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/7 November 1999
WWF Sunday Night Heat


Guest columnist: Alex Beckers


Hello, my name is Alex, and I'll be your recapper this week. And hopefully next week. And the week after that. And so on.

Please email me with any comments -- particularly if I mis-call a move, and you spot it. I should catch most of them, I mean, I would never, say, call a drop toe-hold a leg sweep, if you know what I mean!

So we get some theme music (which I actually prefer to the indeciferable RAW lyrics), and we're taped with Heat, from wherever Smackdown! was this week.

And we're starting off with a match! Our hosts are Michael Cole and Kevin Kelly!

Out to their new (crappy) music are The Acolytes! Val Venis competes tonight! Against... Christian?? Someone tell Tony Chimel's wife that he won't be home tonight! (Because the Acolytes are threatening him.) Now out to their (still cool) music are Viscera and Mideon! Battle of the Evil Minions! Apparently these guys clashed on Jakked, which I missed. Mideon's face paint looks really dumb. Viscera and Bradshaw to start. Lockup, to the corner, Bradshaw out punching. Viscera into the turnbuckle, chops by the Acolyte. Whip, reversed, off the turnbuckle and Bradshaw's clotheslined. Slam. Viscera's "an immovable force AND an unstoppable object." Cole didn't really get those mixed up, did he? Rewind, yeah, he sure did. Moron. Tag to Mideon. Punch. Headbutt. Whipped to the ropes, Bradshaw with a swinging neckbreaker. Bradshaw up first, to the corner with his opponent, tag to Faarooq. Doubleteam on Mideon, who really ought to go back to wearing a shirt, for god's sake. Faarooq takes him to the corner, fists and feet a-blazin'. Whipped into the opposite corner, goes for the splash, stopped by a boot to the face. Mideon hits a clothesline. Off the ropes, Faarooq gets him with a spinebuster. Cover for two. Crowd is chanting, "Mabel", which I find terribly amusing. Mideon up, whipped into the ropes, Faarooq telegraphs, Mideon hits a facebuster. Tag to the big man. Big sidewalk slam. Cover for two. Faarooq whipped, ducks a clothesline, goes behind and punches -- groin? No, ref was watching too close. Must've been the hamstring. Kick to the back of the knee, tag to Bradshaw. Body check knocks Viscera off balance, allowing Bradshaw to come off the top turnbuckle with a flying shoulder charge! Not bad. Elbow, and another! Cover, hooks the leg, two. Goes for a slam??! Viscera falls on him, nearly gets the pin if not for Faarooq coming in. Tag to Mideon (missed the first time). Doubleteam in the corner. Kick, kick, punch. Bradshaw kicks Mideon in the gut. Kicks and punches traded. Viscera holds Bradshaw to the ropes while Mideon... bites him? Ewwww. Whip, reversed, Bradshaw kicks 'em inna head. To the corner, chops. To the other corner, splash. Back to the first, another splash. Bradshaw heads for the far ropes, Mideon stumbles out into the Clothesline from Hell! And you could HEAR the smack as Bradshaw's muscled arm hit Mideon's fleshy, fleshy upper chest! Pin for two, Viscera taps him with his foot to stop the count. Faarooq goes after the V-man, who takes him down. Bradshaw's feet are grabbed by Mideon, Viscera hits the FAT ASS SPLASH! No count, tho', since he's not the legal man. Faarooq brings a chair in, and WHAM! Right in Mideon's back! WHAM! Right in Viscera's back! Ref calls for the bell, things are "out of control here". Double DQ, 4:06. Oh god, this rivalry is "far from over". Not a bad match, but a lame ending.

Boot of the week is the Steviekick on Jericho from Smackdown!

Sign: "My mom shaves my ass."

We have a retrospective of the Chyna/Jericho feud, set to music. Nice wink from Chyna on "Not tonight, Chris. I have a headache."

Now we get to see the music video version of Jericho's music. Woah, he has babes with him! Scantily clad! Topless even! Here's a question -- if Jericho's finisher is the "Walls of Jericho", why is his song, "Break the walls down"? They even say, "Break down the walls of Jericho." MTV-style badging tells us the this song is by James A. Johnston, NOT Kid Rock. Is there a REAL Jim A. Johnston, or is that just a really lame pseudonym?

JVC Kaboom! of the week: The Big Show destroys EVERYTHING! Call in Godzilla! So loud it hurts!

A bass thump tells us that it's THe LeTHAL WeAPON, STeVE BLaCKMAN, out to take on local jobber Julio Fantastico! Blackman's music sounds like it was done by three guys on the street with cans and sticks. But he's still on the cover of the latest issue of Inside Kung-Fu. Both men feeling each other out, Blackman with a kick to the midsection. Punch to the head, punch, chop. Julio whipped into the ropes, comes out into a side kick to the face. Nice bouncy selling from Mr. Fantastico. Head into the turnbuckle. Kung-fu combo from Blackman. Punch to the knee. Whipped into the ropes, ducks the clothesline, off the other ropes, Julio with a flying head-scissors! Haven't seen one of those in the WWF outside Attitude! for the PSX. (Which just shows I'm a newbie.) Stepping side-kick from Julio, Blackman in the corner. Punches. Whipped into the ropes, Julio goes for a Theisz press, gets turned into a slam. He's writhing, Blackman looks like he doesn't know what to do, so he poses to the crowd and gets some heat. Axe kick and a couple elbows. Picks up Julio, inverted Atomic Drop. Blackman goes for the bow and arrow... but his shoulders are down! 1... 2... Blackman's pissed. Fantastico into the ropes, goes around Blackman's back and rolls him up for two. Punches from Fantastico... he goes to the ropes, tries the headscissors again, but Blackman slams his knees into the mat. Blackman poses again. Odd pacing in this match. Backbreaker, and then a Camel Clutch! Blackman breaks the hold with a donkey punch for no obvious reason. Snapmare into a chinlock. Blackman's showing off, but that's what jobbers are for. Fantastico powers out. He goes to the ropes, but Blackman hits an axehandle right into his chest. Fantastico with punches. Blackman tries a kick, Fantastico grabs his leg and ducks the enziguiri that we all know follows. (ooh, a smart jobber!) He rolls up Blackman and gets two. Blackman sends him to the ropes, back body drop but Fantastico lands on his feet and hits a spinning drop kick to Blackman's back. Pins for two. Blackman whips him into the ropes, hits a belly-to-belly suplex, and then straps on what Cole tells us he calls a "reverse triangular choke". Looks like an arm-scissors with the head in for good measure. Fantastico taps out at 4:23. Not a bad show from Mr. Blackman, and this was one of the more talented jobbers.

Paul Wight's dad died this morning. Services are being planned. If they film a graveside vignette I'm gonna be sick.

The Rock is one of the 14 sexiest men alive, according to People magazine.

We get to see the plays of the week, set to "Open Your Eyes" by the Guano Apes. Man, that's one ANGRY chick on the mike.

"Moron. But at least he got to keep his soul." I actually almost won a copy of Soul Reaver by writing a little essay for this totally non-wrestling-related website I frequent. Points to whoever finds it! (You'll know it's me 'cause I'm the runner-up.)

The Dudleys are out, to a pretty big pop. Now they're only being billed as half-brothers, which makes a lot more sense. And their opponents are... oooh! Taka Michinoku and Funaki, from Japan! I've only ever seen these guys once before, in the match against the Hardys which was (I believe) the first appearance of the barricade-run. Dudleys get on the mike and do their usual spiel: insult the local town, cite the three Commandments. I thought heels weren't supposed to have catchphrases? Then they attack and its a Pier Four brawl. D-Von throws Funaki over the ropes, and then Bubba Ray gorilla presses Taka outside onto his partner. Taka into the STEEL steps then into the ring with Bubba while Funaki's slammed into the barricade. Bubba Ray whips Taka into the ropes, Taka ducks the clothesline and hits a spinning heel kick. He goes to the ropes, this time Bubba ducks, and Taka hits a nice slide into his opponent's shin, taking the Dudley off his feet. Taka to the top rope, missile dropkick! Goes for the pin, but BR's already on his stomach. BR up, hits a clothesline, then whips Taka into the Dudleys' corner. Tag to D-Von. Whips Taka into the ropes, Taka ducks a clothesline and hits a huracanrana! Tag to Funaki. D-Von is whipped into the ropes, and Taka hits a drop toehold. Funaki slaps on a reverse chinlock, and Taka dropkicks D-Von in the face, which looks like it smarts. D-Von to the ropes, Funaki with a flying shoulder block. D-Von staggers to the corner, Funaki follows with a slap and a whip to the opposite corner. Funaki goes for a splash, D-Von moves but Funaki's on the second ropes, standing. D-Von punches him in the back, and then grabs his head and hits a neckbreaker, pulling Funaki off the ropes clear into the middle of the ring! Stomp, tag to Bubba Ray. Funaki pushed into the corner, smack (Whooo!), smack (Whooo!). Punch, Funaki falls face-first. Pulled up, whipped into the far corner, Bubba rushes in, Funaki pops up and hits a huracanrana, followed by a dropkick. Throws a punch, BR puts him into a full-nelson, then pops him up for a spinebuster into a sitting position. Dunno what that's called. Stomp. Pulls him up, to the corner, punch. Whipped into the other corner, rushes in, Funaki kicks him in the chest, and hits a tornado DDT! Nice air on that. Both men need to tag. Taka and D-Von are in. Punches from Taka, whips D-Von into the ropes, hits a forearm. Funaki's back in, both men join up to clothesline D-Von out of the ring. Double back body drop onto Bubba Ray! Bubba Ray down to ringside to check on his brother, then they're both hit by Funaki, who does a cross-body off the top turnbuckle to the outside! Asai moonsault from Taka! They drag D-Von in, off the ropes, double kick to the stomach, double suplex! Taka pins D-Von, who kicks out at 2. Bubba Ray's on the second ropes, Funaki runs over to punch him in the groin, then climbs up for a superplex! But Bubba Ray picks him for a powerbomb off the second ropes!! BOOM. He's dead, rolls out. D-Von whips Taka into the ropes, and it's the Dudley Death Drop! Pin at 4:38. Good match, especially at the end, which was really fast-paced, with the crowd really into it.

We see a recap of last week's DX-related fun, including hearing Vince say, "We're not gonna have another DX night" about eight million times.

Now Val Venis is out, with porno music but no mike time. His opponent IS Christian, who has his own music but still makes his entrance through the crowd. Did he ALWAYS have his own music? I only had the Bleem! demo so I wouldn't know... Cole and Kelly would rather talk about ANYTHING than this match. They're commentary comes by emphasizing syllables of the hype they're speaking. "...all the CONtraversy..." CON being where a wrestler hit a move. Crowd likes Christian, who gets kicked and punched to start. They mention that Christian was part of the post-match Al Snow/Mankind celebration, which apparently explains this match. (Of course, in Real World Time, this match took place BEFORE that, but that makes my head hurt.) Christian into the corner where Val pummels him. Foot to the throat choke, which is Val showing his mean streak. Can't a guy turn heel without having a sudden mean streak? Ref drags Val off, who turns around into a big clothesline from Christian. He whips Val, who reverses, Christian off the ropes but slides underneath the Valbowski. Kick to the stomach, Christian grabs Val's head, front suplex! (or is that a facebuster?) Cover, Val kicks out at 2. High knee from Val, who goes off the ropes, only to have Christian pop him up and over the ropes. Dragged back up as the commentators complain (justifiably, I think) about the Al Snow doll debacle. Both men trade punches with Val on the apron. Christian slides underneath and pulls out Val's feet. Christian back up, springboard cross-body! Val's face into the barricade. Christian backs up, takes a running leap off the steps, and crashes into the barricade as Val rolls out of the way. Val slams his head into the steps, then both men back into the ring. Val with big forearms, off the ropes, but Christian gets him into a sleeper. Val scoops him up into a powerbomb. Stomp, stomp. Whips Christian into the ropes, big knee to the midsection. And again. To the center of the ring, side Russian legsweep. Cover, Christian's shoulder comes up. Val hooks both arms, knee, knee, and a wicked double underhook suplex! Pin, hooks the leg, kickout at two. Christian up with punches, gets Val into a corner, goes for a whip but Val reverses and Christian bounces out of the far corner like a red rubber ball. Snapmare from Val into a chinlock. Down to the mat with it, and I gotta say Val is GREAT at these holds, the way it looks like he ratchets them up a notch every couple of seconds. Plus the yells, gotta have the yelling and snarling. Christian powers up to his feet and out of the hold. To the ropes, but Val kicks him in the gut and hits a fisherman's suplex, with a bridge, but Christian kicks out at two. Big slam from Val, who goes for a flying elbow... but Christian rolls out! Both men trade blows. Val is called "one of the most technically precise wrestlers ever." Ever? Val goes for a slam, Christian slides behind, but Val turns it into an inverted Atomic Drop. Christian to the corner, Val puts him up on the top ropes, which means Christian's gonna hit the tornado DDT since I can't think of any move Val pulls from that position. No, he turns Val around and hits a tornado neckbreaker!! Holy crap, that looked painful. Christian can't make the cover, both men woozy, Val misses a clothesline, gets hit with a spinning heel kick. Christian gets Val up, punches him into the corner, goes for the whip but Val reverses. Val rushes in, gets kicked in the face, and gets taken down by his hair from behind. Christian to the top, jumps, Val rolls but Christian stays on his feet. Hits a DDT and Val goes over. Hooks the leg, and Val kicks out at two! Val on the apron, Christian tries to slam his face into the turnbuckle, but it gets reversed. Val climbs the ropes, Christian goes up after him, sets up a superplex, but gets thrown to the middle of the ring. Money Shot! 1, 2, 3, and it's over at 6:34. Whew! Good match, and I'm over to Simpsons!

Man, this took a lot longer than I thought to write. But it'll be all worth it when I get that big check. Wait... I don't...? Really? Ah, crap. I guess it'll just have to be the ego-stroking that makes it all worth it.

See you next week, where Heat will be the good solid pre-show to Survivor Series! Maybe by then we'll know more than two of the matches!

Alex Beckers

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission