No report last week because no wrestling was done. I mean, having to read a Survivor Series recap would be bad enough, why on earth would you want to read a recap of the pre-show Survivor Series hype?

Apologies this week -- my VCR crapped out (in sympathy pains for CRZ's?) so you've got what I scribbled or can remember.

We start backstage, where Kaientai is getting coffee and speaking Japanese. Bradshaw tries to get by them to get some coffee. He gets it, and bumps into Funaki, spilling coffee on him. Taka yells at him in Japanese, Bradshaw responds, "That sounds good, but I'm not that hungry." He walks away, giving Kaientai an opportunity to jump him!

I was actually interested by this. Little did I know that this would go on for the FULL HOUR of the show.

Val Venis and Shawn Stasiak vs. The Headbangers
I guess the heel team's gimmick is that each man has the same first initial for his first and last name? Man, that's a stretch. Val does the side to side point and towel toss, and then uses his new heel catchphrase -- "Hello, skanks!" Val starts, go against both 'bangers for a bit. Stasiak gets tagged in and the match slows down noticeably. We see a rare miscue where Thrasher accidentally hits Mosh. Both teams go outside, back in and Stasiak misses a clothesline, hitting Val! Val's knocked outside, leaving Stasiak in the ring where the 'bangers get him with the Stage Dive. Headbangers win in a little under (5:00). After the match an angry Venis attacks Stasiak, hitting him with the Money Shot. Val's music plays and we're out.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Kevin Kelly! Who, in typical Heat fashion, spend nearly all during-match time talking about RAW and Smackdown. Tonight! D'von meets D'lo! Sounds D'licious!

Farrooq is on the fone. Bradshaw enters and explains that Kaientai jumped him. He thinks there might've been eight of them or so. Faarooq asks, "You kicked their ass, right? You kicked their ass, right?" When Bradshaw can't answer, Faarooq says to whoever's on the phone, "Two midgets just kicked John's ass!"

Steve Blackman vs. Mideon
Oh, goody. Mideon has new face paint, but STILL NO SHIRT. We learn that Chyna's not going to press charges against Jericho. That's good, because two police investigation angles would be TWO TOO MANY. Blackman gets pretty much the expected JTTS squash. He does seem to be wrestling a bit better than in his last couple Shamrock angles, I do have to say that. Very quick, very crisp, and he did this cool pop-up to his feet after a flying shoulder block. Unfortunately I'm not sure how Blackman won the match -- it wasn't a submission, I remember that much. (You can't remember the devastating REVERSE TRIANGULAR WHATSIT?!? - CRZ) Give it (2:30).

Bradshaw is looking in the supply closet for Kaientai. Faarooq helps by looking in small boxes, dustbins, etc. I get it, the joke is that they're SMALL.

WWF Rewind, brought to us by MechWarrior 3, is HHH pie-facing Vince, followed by Vince attacking HHH in the ring from RAW.

Tracy Smothers (no entrance) vs. Rakishi Fatu. This is basically the same match we saw on Jakked, only oddly enough Smothers gets in more offense than Crash Holly did, actually taking the big man off his feet at one point. And then we see Fatu run through his repertoire of butt-based moves. Fatu wins in about (2:20).

The Acolytes are looking for Kaientai, when suddenly a Japanese woman runs up to them. She says that K is willing to challenge to Acolytes to a match, but a "technical match, no brawling." She says "brawling" as "brawring" which leads to about 20 seconds of bad racist comedy as the Acolytes try to figure out what she said. Faarooq asks Bradshaw if he can understand what she meant, since he was in Japan. He asks the girl if she speaks Ebonics. The girl says "No brawring" about two hundred more times in case we don't get the joke. They agree to the match.

Now we see the Ahnold recap and Mazzola interviews that I've seen about seventy times this week.

D'lo Brown vs. D'von Dudley (with Bubba Ray Dudley)
I think we all know what's going to happen, since Bubba Ray is accompanying his half-brother to ringside. Standard work inside until D'lo gets thrown outside. Referee Jimmy Corderas spends what seems like five minutes explaining to D'von why he can't go after him, meanwhile Bubba Ray is taking D'lo apart. Match moves back inside eventually, it's all D'lo, hits a leg drop and a power bomb. About to go for the frog splash, but Bubba Ray drags D'von out. D'lo goes to to the top turnbuckle and takes them both out with a flying cross-body! Very nice. D'lo goes back into the ring, tries to drag D'von over the top rope, but Bubba Ray is holding D'lo's foot! He falls backwards, D'von falls on top of him, and the Dudley gets the steal in something like (4:00).

Backstage, The Acolytes prepare for their match. Bradshaw: "We need to use holts!" Faarooq: "Do you mean holds?" Bradshaw: "Yeah, here, like Shamrock, you just twist the ankle like... so..." He's doing nothing, but Faarooq pretends to be in pain as a joke.

This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't take away from the wrestling time. I mean, last week we had a six-minute match between Val Venis and Christian. This week we get two minute Fatu butt-squashes. Wheeeee.

We see a recap of "who hit SCSA with a car", focusing into Vince vs. HHH.

Now we see a recap of what happened tonight, setting up...

The Acolytes vs Kaientai in a Technical Wrestling match.
Faarooq and Funaki start. Faarooq actually does a takedown -- I forget how much experience Ron Simmons has sometimes. He and Funaki trade waistlocks from behind, and then Faarooq goes and hits him with an elbow to the face. Both men break, and Faarooq does this, "Hey man, my bad" look that has my roommate and I laughing hysterically. Bradshaw is tagged in and hits a standing clothesline. Is that technical? I don't know, but throwing Funaki outside so Faarooq can beat on him sure isn't, and Taka thinks so too. He hits Bradshaw from behind with a dropkick. Now we have brawling the match has disintegrated, and the bell rings. (Kaientai via DQ? DDQ? Not sure -- 1:55) The Acolytes proceed to spend the next two minutes DESTROYING Kaientai. Chair shot, into the steel steps, Dominators on both men, Clothesline from Hell, second rope fall-away slam. The only thing we didn't see was the assisted powerbomb. Taka and Funaki are dead, the Acolytes are gloating, and we're out!

Not a particularly good show, though it could have been my state of mind after watching the Pats lose AGAIN. The last match was a joke, but seeing the Acolytes just KILL two guys was kinda neat.

Email me with comments at orion_b@conan.ids.net!