Hey hey hey, my name is 'Lex and I'm here to say, I'll recap Heat in ev-er-y way!

Don't worry, I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.

Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry vs. Prince Albert
Battle of the big men -- I gotta root for the local guy, I guess. (Prince Al's from Boston.) Our hosts, as always, are Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole! Coming up -- a Triple Threat Tag Team match, Acolytes, Dudleys, Edge and Christian.

Mark mouths "That's right, boy." as the bell rings. Crowd is chanting something unintelligible. Lock up, to the corner. Prince Albert with some cheap shots -- crowd is hot, for some reason. Albert beating on Henry. Albert's "really learned at the hands of the Big Bossman." No mention of Droz... Albert still in control. Postures to the crowd to a chorus of boos, Henry gets a pop by nailing him from behind. Mark in control now. Goes for a suplex... can't get Albert off the ground. Albert tries, also fails. Mark tries again... and succeeds! Run-in hit, and again, then Albert uses a drop toehold to slam Mark into the turnbuckle. Rolls the big man up for two. Cole shills "End of Days" some more. Albert with a knife-edge chop and a headbutt. Into the corner, charges in and Henry dodges out! (Metroplex DODGES! and no one's gonna get that reference...) Henry hits a splash. Albert staggers to the ropes, which is a bad idea because it gives the Sexual one a chance to use that slide-through move that hurts somehow I guess. What's scary is that the crowd is REALLY HOT for this move, which we learn from Kelly is called the "Chocolate Mousse (or Moose?)" As he hits the outside Henry apparently injures his knee. He brawls with Albert a bit, then throws him back in, limping heavily. Throws Albert into the ropes and collapses. Albert hits Mark Henry with a Lethal Kick (since there's NO way he can do his normal finisher) and covers. 1... 2... 3! Albert takes the win at (3:30).

I guess there's some sort of wedding tomorrow? We get to hear commentary from other wrestlers about it.

Hardcore Holly is criticizing the couple. Crash wants to speak. Hardcore says he's never had a girlfriend, the only girlfriend he's had is the pump... Thank god he didn't finish that sentence. Crash is mortified, but congratulates the couple on behalf of himself and his cousin.

Musical number! The week's highlights set to The Verve Pipe's "Hero".

The Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman (no entrance) vs. Gangrel (gotta love the entrance) w/Luna.
I guess Blackman's entrance was cut so we could see all of Gangrel's? Man, this is not Steve's night -- first Albert steals his finisher, now he loses his entrance to the Undead. Referring to Luna's wedding gift, Kevin says, "Everyone needs a stuffed squirrel, I keep telling ya that!"

Lockup, to the corner, ref seperates them, Blackman attacks with kicks. Takes Gangrel into the corner, a chop followed by his cool martial arts combo move. Into the ropes, Blackman goes for a hip toss, but Gangrel blocks into a belly to belly suplex! The vampire in control now, with a slam and a couple elbow drops. Cover gets two. Those fangs really do look neat. Into the ropes, Gangrel jumps into a slam. Blackman poses and flexes, gets booed. Stomps. (Err, kicks to the back.) Gangrel bounced oout of the corner, Blackman poses again. More kicks, and another bounce. I can see his tongue stud! Off the ropes, telegraphs, and Gangrel goes for a sunset flip for two! Gangrel hits a knee and a DDT. Fails to hook the leg, Blackman kicks out at two. Hits Gangrel with a spinebuster, then rolls over with a bridge for two. Blackman - master of the weird pin attempts! Ugly inverted atomic drop. Ooh! Half Boston Crab, using the ropes for leverage. Blackman breaks the hold, umm, because he's bored I guess. Luna is ranting. Off the ropes, double clothesline. Both men up, Gangrel in charge! Elbows, slam, elbow. Covers for two. Blackman rolls out so he can be attacked by Luna, who jumps on his back. She's unceremoniously dumped to the floor, and now Gangrel is angry! ("I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire!" yet another reference no one will get...) Throws him into the ropes, Blackman goes for a flying cross-body, but Gangrel rolls him over for the pin! The vampire wins in (4:30).

Sexual Chocolate reads a poem for Test and Stephanie. I'm gonna steal a line from alt.bitterness and say NO POETRY DAMMIT! No, seriously, this is really bad.

These Snickers ads are a signal to the followers of the Great Old Ones. Email me for details. Hungry? Why wait for the stars to be right?

Recap of the rocky road of love for Andrew J. and Stephanie Marie. Meanwhile I flip back and forth to the end of "The Shawshank Redemption". Did YOU know it was originally a Stephen King novella?

Ivory compares finding the right partner to finding the missing sock in the dryer. Andrew and Stephanie are both large, overgrown socks. Man, I love Ivory.

The Headbangers vs. Kai En Tai
Woah! NOW I find out that it's three words! Bleagh. NO, please no, not more "No brawring" references. 'Bangers do mock bows. Yaay, racism. Taka and Funaki do some playing to the crowd but I don't know what they're trying to get across. Funaki and Mosh start off with some mat wrestling. Um, guys, this was last week's angle? Mosh pins Funaki for two, then jumps up into a Karate Kid crane stance! I admit it, I laughed. Crowd loves it. They go to lock up but Funaki just kicks Mosh in the stomach. Funaki on the offensive. Until he rushes into a slam and gets pinned for two. Thrasher in. Funaki to the ropes, Mosh jumps him, he sees Thrasher and stops short -- but Mosh dropkicks him in the back of the head. Clothesline from Thrasher, and nice selling by Funaki. Thrasher attacking now, but Funaki gets out and tags in TAKA! Who runs into two huge hip-tosses and a drop kick.

Mosh tagged in, double face-first suplex. Mosh bows. Choking on the second rope, then jumping on him on the second rope. Thrasher tagged, double team. Thrasher takes out Funaki, then Taka hits him with a spinning heel kick. Fuanki in, Thrasher to the ropes, drop toe hold by Taka. Funaki puts him in the chinlock so Taka can hit the baseball slide to the face! That looks REALLY painful. Kaientai poses to the crowd, who properly boo and start up a USA chant. (Hey, isn't Mosh from New Jersey? That's not REALLY part of the US, is it?) Thrasher into the ropes, double suplex. Funaki pins for two. Thrasher gets up hitting. Taka tagged in. Snap mare, then stomps on him with both feet! Again! Taka having fun being a heel. Chop to the throat, and then says "That's it" apparently. Goes up for a moonsault, but Thrasher's out of the way!

Crowd hot, Funaki and Mosh tagged in, and Mosh cleans house! Kaientai goes for a double move off the ropes, but Thrasher pulls Taka out of the ring! Mosh slams Funaki while Taka goes facefirst into the apron. Stage dive! And it's over... or is it? The ref is getting Thrasher out of the ring, doesn't count Mosh's pin, Taka off the top ropes with a flying knee to Mosh's back! Taka rolls Mosh over, puts Funaki on top of him, 1, 2, 3! Kaientai are your winners and very heelish, at that! (5:45)

The Big Show offers to be a babysitter for Test and Stephanie. Word to the wise -- DON'T LET HIM SIT ON THE BABY!

Recaps of last week's DX vs. McMahon business. Next, the Tag Team Triple Threat!

Mankind congratulates the to-be-wed, schills his book, and says that since McMahon said that he's like a son to him, that makes Steph his sister. So Test had better do right by her. And enjoy the wedding night... but not too much!

Christian and Edge vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. The Acolytes in a Triple Threat Tag Team Match
You think you know me... Dudleys enter second and do their usual spiel. D'von cites the three Commandments at Christian and Edge. They listen to the first two, seem to nod, "Yeah, that's good advice I guess," but ignore the third. Then the Acolytes are out to NEW new music, much better than the last.

Christian starts things off with a quick rollup of Faarooq for two. Hip toss, dropkick. Christian off the ropes into a big slam. Arrogant pin for two. Faarooq tags in D'von by smacking him upside the head! D'von rushes Xian who takes him down with a drop toe hold. Some arm-wrenching follows. Tag to Edge (the women in the crowd go WHOOO!), double hip toss. Stomps from Edge. Kevin Kelly hasn't bought a wedding gift yet, but he convinces Michael Cole to add Kevin's name to Cole's gift. Faarooq to the ropes, hits a flying shoulder block. Tag to Buh Buh (who shouts, "'Ere we go!" in good Orky style), punches to the ribs. Facial stretch? Side headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Buh Buh off the ropes again, Edge hits a hiptoss. And another! Rushes the Dudley, who pops him up and over, lots of air! Edge lands on his back. Big clothesline and elbow. Cover, hooks the leg for two. Tries to yell, "One, two, three!" at Referee Jimmy Corderas but stutters and sprays him on the "Three". Edge into the turnbuckle, tag to D'von. Edge to the ropes, D'von telegraphs, Edge goes for the sunset flip, struggles, gets him over for two. Tag to Buh Buh. Slams on Edge, takes out Christian. As Jimmy looks at Christian, Edge punches Buh Buh in the crotch, as the Dudley is perched on the second ropes. Edge goes up and starts punching away. Tag to Christian, Edge still up top, top-rope Huracanrana! Christian up, flying cross-body for two! Both men up, Christian with a spinning heel kick. Up again, Buh Buh Ray this time with a sidewalk slam. Hooks the leg for two.

Tag to D'von, who batters Christian. Flying headbutt of the second ropes, but Christian moves! Bradshaw with a blind tag as Christian rolls out of the way! Bradshaw goes beserk! Buh Buh's in and getting killed. Meanwhile Faarooq and Christian are brawling on the outside. Bradshaw with a drop kick on Buh Buh Ray, stop the presses! We have chaos. Ref's yelling at Edge, Buh Buh takes Bradshaw over the top ropes with a clothesline. D'von in to fight with Edge, but as both Dudleys are in the ring, he quickly receives a Dudley Death Drop. But he's not the legal man! Bradshaw back in, off the ropes, Clothesline from Hell on Buh Buh Ray! 1, 2, 3, and the Acolytes are our winners! (5:45)

Four good matches, two over five minutes, and all basically clean finishes. And tomorrow, RAW IS LOVE! Guess I'll have to watch again... see y'all next week!

Email me at orion_b@conan.ids.net!

Ack, AGAIN I miss Bart's blackboard writing...

(It was "I CAN'T SEE DEAD PEOPLE" - CRZ)