No time for lots of small talk tonight - I gotta work tomorrow, so let's get right to it!!

Opening Montage: Lots of snapshots are shown - Finkel announces Hacksaw Jim Duggan as the winner of the Rumble - there's the Shawn Michaels "only one foot hit the floor" announcement - There's Stone Cold winning - there's McMahon winning - There's the Rock winning in controversial fashion. There's pictures of Perfect, Val Venis, The Godfather, and Goldust, And there's Triple H giving Angle a Pedigree and spitting water. Did they just ruin the ending for us? Gosh, I hope not.

Plenty O' Pyro and Kid Rock tell us We are LIVE from Atlanta Georgia! We are LIVE at the Royal Rumble!. Jim Ross (along with the King) do NOT tell us that sports-entertainment will be changed forever! OH NO!!!

WWF Tag Team Title Match
The Dudley Boyz (with Stacey Keibler) vs. Spike Dudley and Tazz Dudley

Hey, Tazz has new music - from Cypress Hill, no less! I guess that means they're gonna win? Spike's got a neck brace on because of that nasty-ass 3D he took on the concrete on SmackDown The Duds waste no time - D-Von tosses Tazz out, and Buh Buh tosses Spike out. Tazz and D-von exchange rights until Buh Buh arrives - NECKBREAKER-BACKDROP ON THE FLOOR! Ow, what a way to start! Spike is tosses in, and the Duds follow. Neckbreaker-backdrop on Spike! Buh Buh stays in - there's a neckbreaker. Buh Buh rips off the neck protector, and gives Spike another neckbreaker. "Get up, Spike!" Kick, nice suplex, tag to D-Von. Elbow to the back on the neck. Snapmare, off the ropes, somersault snapmare! Spike's grimicing in pain. D-Von: "You want 'em?" so he tags Buh Buh - BRAINBUSTER!! And a beauty! Buh Buh yells at Tazz: "This next one's for you! I'm breakin' your partner's neck!" Don't forget, Buh Buh - that's your half-brother, too! Suplex NO Spike floats over, kick, Dudley Dog!!! Both men down! Stacy yells for her man (well, one of 'em) to get up! d-Von hops in the ring without a tag - the ref stops him. Meanwhile, Spike tags Tazz, but the ref didn't see it!! The Duds drag Spike back to their corner! Double Irish whip - Double Flapjack! I think Spike was 134 feet in the air on that one. D-Von to the top rope - diving headbutt misses! Buh Buh goes to the other corner - they both charge but Spike ducks and they clothesline each other! There's a Double Feature of the flapjack. Meanwhile, HOT TAG to Tazz! Two clotheslines for both Dudleys! Belly to belly suplex on Buh Buh! Head-and-arm Tazzplex on D-Von!! T-Bone Tazzplex on Buh Buh!!! FISHERMAN'S NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX ON D-VON!!! No, that was NOT a typo - I said Fisherman's Northern Lights Suplex!! (Is there a real name for that?) 1, 2, Buh Buh saves!! Man, that was awesome! Buh Buh whips Tazz into the corner - but eats elbow, Spike to the top, high cross body by Spike! Big kick by Tazz! ANOTHER Dudley Dog on Buh Buh!! But Stacy's up on the apron - slap misses - Tazmission on Stacy! D-Von nails Tazz from behind, sending Stacy flying to the ground! Spike goes for a Dudley Dog on D-Von, but is dumped to the outside! D-Von charges Tazz in the corner but misses, and backs right into the Tazmission! AND D-VON TAPS!! (5:10) Champs retain! It was short, but it was sweet. Stacy grimaces on the ground as Tazz's new music plays.

Here's a Last Monday bit on Regal using the brass kunx on Edge - then a Last Thursday shot of Edge snapping and hitting everybody in sight, including the ref, with a steel chair. Afterwards, Lillian has a word with Edge. "Edge, as we just saw, you and William Regal have been fighting with each other for quite some time, and it's actually gotten to the point" "whoawhoawhoa, let me cut you off right there. Befcause Regal talks a great game, how he's been fighting on the strreets since he was a teenager, how the blood of the English flows through his veins. We can have a hell of a fight if he wanted it that way, but he doesn't want to, he wants to play dirty, and that's fine. Y'wanna know why? Check this out.." he leaves, and comes back with a chair, which he bangs on, scaring Lilian. "You see that? That's a steel chair! That's what I Edge-a-cuted Regals face onto when I broke his nose! That's what I used to lay him out on SmackDown! If Regal wants to play dirty, I can play with the best of them. He always asks 'Do I wanna gamble with the devil?' Well tonight - sunshine - I say the devil gets burnt!"

WWF Intercontinental Championship
William Regal vs. Edge

Referee Nick Patrick checks around the ring for brass knuckles. Should Nick Patrick be reffing this match, considering it was Edge who hit him with a chair? I smell skullduggery!! But no, Nick checks Regals equipment - even reaches INTO HIS TIGHTS - and comes out the knux (and fortunately, nothing else)!! Regal's upset - now what's he gonna do? Well, while he complains, Edge turns him around and smokes him with a right, and we're underway!

Forearm floors Regal - hair flip - Clothesline - another - whip into the corner, big backdrop, hairflip. Stompin' a mudhole in Regal - choke with the foot. Patrick warns him. Edge drives Regal's face into the mat - makes that twice. Irish whip stopped with a knee - running knee by Regal. Left forearm, another to the back, Euro uppercut is REVERSED into a backslide, 1, 2, no! Cool! Big left floors Edge. Regal with a headlock, but Edge is on the ropes, so he has to let go. Irish whip NO Edge reverses into an enziguri in one motion! SWEET! Both men to their feet - German Suplex by Regal, and Edge flips COMPLETELY over to land on his face! OW! Regal crawls over for a cover - 1, 2, no. Another cover, 1, 2, no. Yet another, 1, 2, no. Double knee shot. cover, 1, 2, no. Another cover, 1, 2, no. Regal grabs edges hands and drives the knee into his back, but Edge gets to his feet, reverses, but eats a left forearm. Double underhook powerbomb BLOCKED - now REVERSED into a Suplex/cover! 1, 2, Regal rolls out while STILL holding on to the double-underhook, and THERE's the poiwerbomb! Cover, 1, 2, no! Regal meauring - big left forearm drops Edge. Edge on the apron - running knee drops him to the outside. Regal follows and drags him up by the hair - double-underhook blocked - DDT ON THE APRON! Wow! Edge rolls Regal back in - here's a cover, 1, 2, Nick Patrick notices Regals foot on the rope, AND Edge's legs outside the ring. Irish whip into the corner but Regal blocks with his foot - both men charge and knock heads. Ref counting - both men up at 8. Right by Edge, left by Regal, right by Edge, another, off the ropes, running forearm. Spinning heel kick. Suplex. Cover, 1, 2, no. Edge-a-cution NO, Regal with an elbow - German Suplex! And whoa, Edge landed RIGHT on his head. But, he's back up, and lands a clothesline! Edge slooowly rolls over for the cover - 1, 2, no! Edge:"C'mon, you sunuvabitch, get up!" Kick, Edge-a-cution NO, Regal goes behind and takes Edge down - Regal Stretch!!! Crows yelling and yelling for Edge to get to the ropes......and he does! Crowd loves it! Regal lets go and drags Edge out, but Edge with a drop toe hold - REGAL STRETCH BY EDGE!!! But Regal's too close to the rope, and grabs it right away. Dropkick to the back - schoolboy, 1, 2, no! Edge to the top rope but Regal catches him with a series of bunches. Superplex NO, Edge shoves him off - Spinning Heel Kick from the top! Hey wait, Regal's going into his tights - he's got ANOTHER pair of knux in there! Meanwhile, Edge goes for the Spear, but Regal pulls Patrick in front of them and they BOTH take it! Everybody's down, but Regal's got the knux in his left hand - Edge slowly up - picks Regal up but WHAM, there's the knux shot, and Edge drops like a sack of potatoes. Regal stashes the knux while the crowd BOOS. Regal sloooooowwllly rolls over and covers - 1......2......3! (9:44) Your NEW Intercontinental Champion, William Regal, and this crowd is UNHAPPY! Terrific match though. A bunch of refs come to help Edge while Michael Cole goes for the old-skool interview in the middle of the walkway: "William Regal how can you possibly justify your actions in winning the Intercontinental title that way?" "Michael, I've been blessed with a gift - the power of the punch! And it is a gift, Michael, it's a blessing!" Regal looks at the sky and says "Thankyou!" Edge looks like - well, like he just got hit with brass kunx. Lawler threatens to use The Power Of The Punch on JR - hehe.

Obligatory outside shot of the Phillips Arena in Atlanta while Kid Rock plays. I hate this song.

WWF Women's Title Match
Jazz vs. Trish Stratus (w/ a wrapped up left hand)

Man, they've moving along at a solid pace here - I guess the Rumble intervals will be at least 90 seconds. Howard Finkel introduces the special Guest Referee, Jacqueline. Where'd THAT come from? Trish is dressed in purple, causing Lawler to say "Purple Puppies!" Well, at least he didn't say he was a Purple Puppy Eater...yet. Trish enters, Jazz attacks and we're underway.

Jazz hits Trish with her own hat, tries to take her coat off - now Trish tries to take it and is having trouble, so jazz belts her until she gets it off. Irish whip, backdrop. Splash! 1, no. Rights by Trish, Irish whip, backdrop NO sunset flip 1, reversal, 1, reversal, 1, reversal, 1 reversal, 1, reversal, 1, Trish kicks out. BIG clothesline by Jazz. Clothesline off the top rope. Butt shot to the hurt hand - I'm sure that hurt like hell. Big Hulk Hogan leg drop - cover, 1, 2, no. Big right floors Trish. Jazz pulls her arm over the rope, then breaks at the count of four. Then she does the exact same thing. Now Jazz gets in Jackie's face with the ol' finger poke to the chest and turns away - Jackie turns her around, so Jazz shoves her. Jackie with the "oh, it's like THAT" look, and shoves back.trish goes for a schoolboy (er, girl) but Jazz sits down on Trish instead for the cover - but Jackie won't count! NOW she counts, 1, 2, no! Jazz points an angry finger. Jawbreaker by Trish, forearm, another, DDT no, Jazz counters and takes Trish down by the arm. Back suplex no - Trish lands on her feet - SPRINGBOARD BULLDOG! Cover, 1, 2, JAZZ REVERSES! 1, 2, NO! Trish clothesline misses - DDT by Jazz! Cover, 1, 2, no! Whip into the corner, followed by a clothesline. Another whip into the corner, this time Jazz eats boot - bulldog! Cover, 1, 2, 3!! (3:43) Wow, I didn't think THAT would get the pin - Lawler calls THAT bulldog, and not the springboard bulldog, the Stratusfaction. Whatever. Nothing wrong with that match. Actually, all the women's matches have been a lot better lately, in case you were wondering.

Earlier Tonight, Ric Flair arrives with his son and daughter, Reed and Megan. They're here to watch Dad take Mr. MaMachon to school. Wooo!

Street Fight
Vince McMahon vs. "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair

Flair comes out first - and hey, he still looks pretty darn good. Crowd yells "Wooo!" - surprised? Megan takes pictures while Reed - well, Reed looks like he's gonna cry. That's ACTING!! Mr McMahon looks even bigger than he did before - quick, start a "Vince is back on the 'riods" rumour! They go nose to nose - a little trash-talkin' - and there's the bell.

Both men circle, they lock up, Vince tosses Flair off with his superior strength. They're gonna WRESTLE? It's a street fight! Vince POSES!! They circle again - Vince is all cocky n' stuff. Lock up - side headlock by Vince(!). Flair pushes him off - shoulder block by Vince - ANOTHER POSE! AND A STRUT!! Look at Vince go!! "Asshole" chant. They lock up - side headlock into a hammerlock by Flair. Flair takes vince down, kick, into the corner, left, right, left, right, kick, another, "Wooo!", bounce off the ropes. Vince up - kick, whip into the corner, shoulder block. And another. Elbow floors Flair. Kick, Knife-Edge(!!), and a deep-voiced "Wooo!" by Vince!! But Flair reverses and hits three knife-edges to very large "Wooo!"'s from the crowd. A "Woo!" from the Nature Boy. Vince with a RAKE TO THE EYES. Brilliant! Whip into the corner, big clothesline by Vince(!) They're WRESTLING! WOW! Kick by Vince, Flair does his patented Drop to The Ground. Shoulder block, another, whip into the corner, Flair Flip but he doesn't quite make it outside the ring, so Vince clotheslines him off the apron and to the outside. Now Vince follows him - oh look, some "Keep Off" signs. Vince rips one off the wall like he's Superman and hammers Ric with it. And again! Irish whip into a Keep Out sign! Ow, that looked like it hurt. Vince looks under the ring - look, trashcans! Vince belts a busted-open Flair with the can. Series of rights by Vince, knee to the gut, whipped into the pole. Flair's all bloody. another right by Vince, another, VICIOUS whip into the steps. Vince is KICKIN' FLAIR'S ASS. Body slam on the outside!! Now they're right beside Megan and Reed - Vince grabs Megan's camera! He takes a pic of himself! Now he takes a picture of a busted open Flair and smiling Vince! He tosses the camera back to megan and says "Now the fun's REALLY gonna begin, Ric!" Vince throws Flair into the ring - big right drops 'em - Vince drops the knee on his leg! Now he's workin' the leg! A knee drop! Another! An ankle-hold! Vince hammers the leg against the side of the ring - and again! Vince is settin' 'em up, Flair style! Vince smacks his leg against the pole! Twice! He drags Flair to the middle of the ring...you don't suppose...yep, FIGURE FOUR ON FLAIR!!! Flair won't submit! Flair's shoulders fall to the mat - 1, 2, Flair sits up! He drops down again - 1, 2, he's up again! Flair trying to turn Vince around.....and he does it!! Vince gets free and rolls out of the ring, liimping slightly. Vince looks by the announcer's table - look, a lead pipe! What luck! Vince says "Oh yeah!" and goes to crack Flair - but gets an uppernut! Vince rolls out, leaving the pipe in the corner! Flair follows him out - knife edge! 2! 3! Right hand floors 'em! 2 more Knife Edges! right hand! Head into the protective barrier! Now Flair's taking apart the Spanish Announcer's table, then smacks Vince with a monitor! He stares into the monitor and yells "LET ME SEE IT!" but the monitor's dead! Now he looks into the other one - and NOW we see the replay in the sideways monitor. Some punches, Flair rolls Vince back into the ring. Vince begs off, but Flair boots 'em, then drags him out by his kids again - Flair bites him while Megan takes a picture of it - THERE'S one for the family album. Vince begs off again! Vince is busted open, by the way. Flair with a boot - lots of punches to open up the cut, "Woo!" - Flair Trick Knee! Flair's got the lead pipe! and WHACK - there's a huge pipe shot to the noggin! "Wooo!" Now Flair grabs the leg, dances around, and slaps on the Figure 4!!!! And Vince yells, and yells, and yells....AND TAPS!! (14:54) Flair wins! Cleanly! Megan is HAPPY! Reed looks RELIEVED! That's ACTING! Flair stares down at a beaten Vince - and leaves.

Michael Cole asks Nick Patrick if he's had a chance to review the tape of the controversial ending of the Edge-Real match, but before he can comment, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley comes over, shakes his hand, and takes over the interview. She proceeds to say Triple H is gonna beat everybody blah blah blah until Steve Austin appears from behind and slowwwly walks up behind her...."What? What? What? What? You gonna flap yer gums about what HHH is gonna do to me? Over the top rope? 29 people? You gonna kick Debra's ass? What? Go ahead talk - What? What? What What What What What What What" Steph says AAAAAAAAAAA and runs off. Michael Cole smiles - then quickly looks serious. :You got something to say to me, you wanna talk about the Royal Rumble?" "Yeah, I'd love to ask you about the" "What?" "About the" "What? Who's gonna win the Royal Rumble? Stone Cold! I said Stone Cold! Stone Cold! What part of Stone Cold do you not understand? 29 pieces of trash! Over the top rope! That includes Triple H! Kurt Angle! Undertaker! The bottome line - the bottome line - the bottom line is that Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna win the Royal Rumble and go to WrestleMania and that's the bottom line - what? - because Stone Cold said so!" "The bottom line is one word? "What?"

Hey, there's the FIRST-EVER ELECTRONIC SIGN IN SIGN HISTORY - And that sign says...."What"

Undisputed WWF Championship
The Rock vs. Chris Jericho

Champ enters LAST - in fact, the champ has entered LAST in every title match. EXCELLENT. Jericho upon entering holds a belt out for a fan to touch - then pulls it away. I LOVE it when he does that. Nose-to-nose stare-down - a little trash-talkin' - a LOT of trash-talkin' - there's the bell!

Rock starts to respond but Jericho holds up the hand and slooowly makes the "Just Bring It sign - whcih Rock does with a right hand! Irish whip - reverse elbow! Samoan Drop! Cover, 1, 2, no! Irish whip, but Jericho grabs the rope and takes a breather - Rock comes out to chase him around the ring - now back in the ring - off the ropes - Jericho runs right into a HUGE Rock spear! People's Fists! (that's what Ross said, anyway). Irish whip, backdrop NO Jericho with a kick, clothesline misses - Jericho with a flying forearm and some more punches. Whip into the corner - clotheslines. Cocky slap!! Forearm - whip into the corner - shoulder block NO Rock dodges and Jericho smacks his shoulder against the pole HARD! Right, Irish whip reversed, backdrop no, Rock drives him face-first into the canvas. Rock charges but gets clotheslined with the top rope. Kicks in the corner by Jericho - forearm - knife-edge, another, "c'mon Rock! I'm the champion!", knife-edge MISSES, reverse, right, right, whip reversed but Jericho eats elbow. Rock charges but eats spinning heel kick - cover, 1, 2, no! Jericho reminds Hebner "I'm the champ!" Big suplex byy Jericho. "C'mon baybah!!" cover gets 2. cocky kick - I love it. Jericho goes over and takes a turnbuckle off, exposing the steel ring. Walks right into a Rock right - 3 of them, actually - irish whip, clothesline misses, takedown by Jericho, going for the Walls, but Rock twists and sends jericho flying. Shoudler block by Jericho - gound-dropkick. Mounted punches. "Rpcky!" chant. Jericho to the top rope - I Have The Belt motion - missile dropkick! Cover, 1, 2, no! Jericho with a chinlock drives the knee into Rock's back - now puts on a side headlock - and Rock is fading! Hebner checks the arm after a minute or two - it drops once - it drops TWICE - but NOT THE THIRD TIME! I am SHOCKED! Rock powers up - right to the gut, another, right to the face, off the ropes, Rock eats an elbow. Jericho to the top again, but Rock hits the ropes and Jericho gets crotched. Big right by Rock, knife edge, 2, 3, Jericho barely hanging on to the corner - SUPERPLEX! I recently read in "Pure Dynamite" that Tom Billington invented the superplex. Is that true? Both men down - ref counts to 6, then Jericho gets up - now Rock is up - Jericho charges, right Blocked, right by rock, Rock blocks another Jericho punch and lands a bunch of rights - irish whip reversed, kick by Jericho, HIS Irish whip is reversed - overhead throw by Rock! Cover, 1, 2, no. Right by the Rock, whip into the corner is reversed - bulldog! LIONSAULT! Jericho with the belt pose! ANOTHER LIONSAULT!!! Cover! 1, 2, NO! Jerichio can't believe it! "C'mon ref!!" Jericho pushes the ref - twice - Hebner pushes back! Jericho to the second rope - goes for the drop kick but Rock grabs the legs - Sharpshooter!!! Jericho's yelling in pain, but wait, there's Lance Storm out to distract the ref while Christian enters the ring from the other side!! Jericho is tapping! But the ref doesn't see it! Rock lets the hold go and nails Storm with a right! Christian goes for a belt shot but Rock ducks - bunch of rights, spit, huge right sends Christian over the top rope! Rock heads for Y2J but WALKS RIGHT INTO A ROCK BOTTOM!! Cover, 1, 2, NO! Jericho looks like he's gonna cry! Mick Patrick removes the "two young Canucks". Meanwhile, Jericho lands a senton splash! uh oh...he kicked the arm! Jericho takes his elbow pad off, while flipping off the crowd! He bounces the ropes but Rock nips up and sends Jericho flying over the top rope! Rock follows - rams Jericho's head into the stairs. Now he starts to take apart the English Announcer's Table - Lawler tells him "The SPANISH table is over THERE!" Rock tries to ram Jericho's head into the Spanish table but Jericho reverses, then drops Rock face-first on the table. Now Jericho takes apart the Spanish table. Hebner tells Jericho to get Rock back in the ring - and Jericho just smiles at him. AWESOME. They're on the Spanish Announce Table - Jericho going for a Rock Bottom but Rock fires off elbows!! ROCK BOTTOM FROM THE SPANISH TABLE THROUGH THE ENGLISH TABLE BY THE ROCK!!! HOLY SHIT, that was VICIOUS. Jericho looks like he's gonna cry because he's in so much pain. There's a Double Feature - man, that was SICK. Rock slowwwwly rolls Jericho back into the ring! Cover! 1, 2, NOOOO! Rock looks pretty stunned - he picks up Jericho's elbow pad, drops it, then measures for the Rock Bottom. Jericho turn into it but fires off elbows to break it - takedown - WALLS OF JERICHO!! Rock STRAINING towards the ropes.............and finally gets there! jericho drags him off and is gonna try it again - wait, SMALL PACKAGE BY THE ROCK - 1, 2, NO!!!! Kick by Jericho - Jericho is PISSED - Picks Rock up, right hand, Irish whip, Rock Flying Clothesline misses Jericho but nails Hebner! Jericho grabs the WWF Title belt - and NAILS Rock with it! Jericho waving to the back - Nick Patrick sprints out! 1, 2, NOOOO!!! Jericho is holding his head in frustration, pounding the ground, yelling at Patrick! Jericho picks Rock up but Rock nails him with a DDT! Cover.....but Patrick will not count!!! So NOW Nick Patrick is evil??? Alrighty then....Rock telling him to count, but Patrick won't - Rock up, Rock Bottom on Patrick! Jericho charges - Spinebuster! Kick of the leg! Elbow pad off! off the ropes....People's Elbow! Cover...but Hebner's still down!!! Rock goes to try and wake up Hebner - turns around and walks right into an uppernut Jericho rams Rock's head into the explosed turnbuckle!!! Jericho with a cover, his feet on the ropes!!! 1.....2......3!!!! (18:49) Jericho RETAINS!!! Rock HOLDS HIS CROTCH!! Jericho looks for somebody to raise his hand!!! Why? 'cause he's STILL THE CHAMP. AWESOME, AWESOME match.

Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels is at WWF New York! He predicts either Austin or Undertaker will win, because they're from Texas! What about Bradshaw?? What about Booker T??? Geeeez!

No Way Out is LIVE Sunday, February 17th! buy it NOW!

The 2002 Royal Rumble

It's time again for my favorite match of the year It'll be tough to call every single move, so you'll have to bear with me. I'm sure you understand. :)

Entrant #1 is Rikishi - that's not good news for him.

Entrant #2 is sssssssssssssssssssss.........Goldust, who looks exactly the same as he did when he left. The golden sparkles fall, so all the wrestlers will no doubt be covered in them for the entire match. JR says "This sunovagun is weird." I'd forgotten about the cool movie-like entrance of Goldust - good to see him back. Let's get this underway!

Rikishi stares at Goldust while he walks around the ring and does the sssssss pose. Rikishi takes off his whatever-it-is and starts laying into Goldust. Picks him up but can't dump him over, Goldust with some punches, off the ropes, sunset flip - ooo, bad idea, Dustin. Fortunately he dodges before Rikishi can sit down and lays some more punches. Off the ropes, clothesline misses, off the ropes, Rikishi tosses Goldust over but Goldust hangs on to the top rope!! Uppernut for Rikishi, right hand, another, off the ropes, Rikishi backdrops him over but Goldust hangs on to the top rope AGAIN! Head into the turnbuckle. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1....

Entrant #3 is The Bossman. He slides in - Goldust had slid out and is now on the top rope - Bossman is whipped into him by Rikishi - avalanche. Rikishi tries to dump Bossman - Goldust will on the top. Bossman breaks free - HUGE clothesline. NOW Goldust is off the top after Bossman beats on Rikishi a bit. Bossman and Goldust team up to try and dump Rikishi but they can't do it. Then Goldust nails Bossman, but Bossman fires back. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #4 is Bradshaw.Bradshaw hits Bossman, then Goldust, elbow to Bossman, Irish whip reversed by Goldust, HUGE shoulder block flips Glodust over. There's a Stinkface for the Bossman - ewwww. Ross syas that will stain your nose hair - I'll take his word for itthrust Kick by Rikishi - Clothesline, and Bossman is the first one eliminated! (5:24) Bradshaw goes to work on Rikishi - irish whip reversed - Samoan Drop. Goldust stands in the corner and rests - now he starts in on Bradshaw. sssssssss pose, punches, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ....

Entrant #5 is Lance Storm. He runs in and clotheslines Goldust a couple times. Body slam reversed, and Lance is dropped neck-first on the top rope while Rikishi tries to eliminate Bradshaw. Strom now tries to eliminate Goldust while Ross calls him 'One of the most under-rated competitors in the WWF". Bradahw ALMOST out, but not quite. Rikishi comes over and tries to dump Goldust but can't. Bradshaw lays into Storm. Irish whip reversed, Storm puts his head down and gets a forearm. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #6 is Al Snow, but we already knew that. Snow clotheslines Storm and goes to work on Rikishi. Storm whips Bradshaw into the corner and charges but misses - Bradshaw off the ropes, and lands a VICIOUS Clothesline From hell on Lance. Goldust eats a Thrust Kick from Rikishi. Here's a Double Feature of the Clothesline From Hell. "We Want Head" chant as Al tries to eliminate Rikishi. Everybody's moving awfully slowly. Now Goldust tries to dump Al, but Al rolls underneath. Big clothesline on Goldust by Al. Now Al and Bradshaw trade punches and kicks while Storm tries to dump Rikishi. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #7 is Billy, who starts laying punches on Bradshaw. Irish whip reversed by Bradshaw - Billy leapfrogs, but eats a HUGE boot from Bradshaw. I wish everybody would STOP STEALING TEST'S FINISHER! Storm charges but Al back drops him - but Lance lands on the apron! Storm tries to suplex Al out, but HE lands on the apron! Both trade punches, both almost fall - then Al nails Storm with a super-kick and Lance is eliminated! (11:03). Al heads over to beat on Rikishi, but Rikishi tries to drop him over - meanwhile, Bradshaw, Goldust, and Billy trade punches. Bradshaw tries to toss Goldust but Billy sneaks up from behind (snicker snicker) and eliminates Bradshaw! (11:30) Bradshaw ain't happy aboutu that. Goldust spazzes out on the canvas. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #8 is - uh oh, it's The Undertaker! I think some bodies are about to hit the floor, here. Al Snow looks petrified, and quickly runs over and tries to dump Goldust while hoping 'Taker never saw him. Good luck, Al. Billy charges but gets goozled - chokeslam! Taker nails Al with e punch and a whip to the turnbuckle - kick to Goldust, punch to Rikishi, punch to Goldust, big boot to Al - Taker goozles Goldust and CHOKESLAMS HIM OFF THE APRON TO THE FLOOR! (13:02). Taker boots Al, and floors him with a punch - punch for Rikishi - taker tosses Al over like a sack of potatoes! (13:26) Rikishi with some punches, Irish whip reversed, big boot - huge clothesline eliminates Rikishi! (13:40) Then he tosses out a half-dead Billy Gunn! (13:46) The Taker ia all by himself in HIS YARD. Lawler says there's one thing he doesn't want to be, and that's next. Speaking of next, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ....

Entrant #9 is Matt hardy (w/ Lita?) Hey, Lita kisses him! I guess they're back together! Matt charges the Undertaker because he's got BIDNESS with the man! Taker clothesline misses, right by Matt, another, three, off the ropes, GOOZLE - but Lita's on the top rope - but TAKER CATCHES HER!! Taker shoves Matt into the corner and hangs on to Lita until she boots him right in the gonads! Neckbreaker by Matt! Matt and Lita layin' the boots to him! Lita FINALLY leaves, that CHEATER! Matt trying to eliminate Taker - punches, taker with a big knee stops all that. Head into the turnbuckle, whip into the corner, but he eats an elbow. Taker right misses, rights by Matt, he gets one leg over the top but that's about it - I betcha I know who's next. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ....

Entrant $10 is, yep, Jeff Hardy. Matt's about to be suplexed out of the ring but Jeff saves, and the Hardyz lay the boots down, now Lita is IN AGAIN and they're ALL beating down the Taker! Jeff and Matt EMBRACE! They're on the same page - oh joy, more cheating for years to come!! Double whip to the corner, but a double clothesline by Taker ends all this family happiness in a big stinkin' hurry. Jeff is tossed over but he hangs on to the top! Taker has Matt on his shoulder but Jeff punches him and Matt slips down - TWIST OF FATE! SWANTON BOMB!! Matt takes his shirt off! Jeff does NOT! Rights by Matt - Poetry In Motion, but Taker catches Jeff in mid-air and unceremoneously dumps him over the top (18:22)! Clothesline for Matt - LAST RIDE POWERBOMB! I think that's it for Matt - yep, there he goes (18:54), and the Undertaker is alone again, but not for long! 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #11 is Maven. Oh my god, he's gonna DIE. Maven's jumping up and down, then he realizes who he has to deal with, so he stops. Then he runs in full speed - right into a Taker Big Boot. Taker takes maven on his shoulder but Lita's still on the apron - Taker dumps Maven off and pushes Lita down to the ground That'll teach her not to cheat. Hey, Matt and Jeff are back in and laying a beating down on Taker! That's CHEATING! Taker finally fights them off and dumps them out again. Taker talking trash by the ropes to the fallen Hardyz, but MAVEN DROP-KICKS HIM AND HE GOES OVER THE TOP!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD, MAVEN JUST ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!!! (20:18) Taker is absolutely STUNNED!!! Maven is jumping up and down like crazy!!! Taker slooowwwlly turns and stares at this, the greenest of all wrestlers, who just eliminated him from the Rumble. WOW! Maven looks at the Taker and holds his head like he just realized what he's done. Well, the Taker isn't gonna take THIS - back into the ring he goes - Maven pleads with him - "I had to!" - he ducks a Taker punch but can't get away from him and Taker lands a bunch of rights. Maven dumped to the outside, and I think Maven's about to take a big-time beating. Taker with a chair - OH MY GOD, THE CHAIR SHOT OF THE CENTURY. He SMOKED Maven, and Maven did NOT raise his hands at all to protect himself. Ho-lee SHIT, Maven RULES. That was INSANE. Taker rams the chair into Maven's stomach, then dumps a cameraman on his ass. But taker's not done yet - more punches. Ref: "You're out, man!" Oh, THAT'LL convince him to stop. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ....

Entrant #12 is Scotty II Hotty He dances out, which is a big mistake, because he walks right into a Taker punch after he throws maven back into the ring. Then, he throws Maven back over the top - doesn't matter, he's still not eliminated!! Now Taker throws him into the crowd, and they brawl all the way up a huge flight of stairs. Maven is busted open, and Taker continues to lay the beating on him. taker and Maven are up on the concession stand - 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #13 is Christian. Meanwhile, the Taker throws Maven RIGHT THROUGH THE GLASS IN A POPCORN MACHINE - then eats some popcorn for good measure while the crowd freaks out. There's a replay of it - ouch, what a beating Maven's taken. Meanwhile, Scotty's STILL down from the Taker punch, so Christian lays back on the top rope and relaxes! Cool! Scotty's finally up, so Christiam hops down. Right blocked, Scotty with rights, whip into the corner, going for the bulldog but Christian Slop Drops 'em. Choke hold - assorted punches. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #14 is Diamond Dallas Page. Meanwhile, a doctor-type person kneels over a half-dead Maven. there's a 360 clothesline by DDP on Christian, who tries to eliminate him but gets Slop Dropped for his effort. Christian with some stomps, choke hold on the rope, tries to dump DDP but eats an elbow - clothesline misses - Diamond Cutter! Bang! Scotty attacks from behind - Irish whip by DDP, clothesline misses, super-kick sends Page to the outside, but he didn't go over, so he's still in. Scotty measuring for the bulldog - and it hits! W O R M hoo hoo hoo chop! But while he's posing afterward, DDP comes in from behind and drumps him aout! (28:29) Page stomps on Christian, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #15 is Chuck Chuck and DDP exchanges punches, Irish whip reversed by DDP, boot is caught, spin around, clothesline misses but elbow hits. Neckbreaker by Page. Jawbreaker by DDP. 360 punch. More stompin' and chokin' - mostly by DDP until he's whipped into a clothesline from a waiting Christian. Now they both stomp on DDP and try to dump him but DDP fights his way out - 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #16 is The Godfather! He's got four ladies with him - no wait, he's heading back - he comes out with four more! No wait, he goes back out again - and gets four MORE! 12 hos! That might be a record - or something! Needless to say, they do lots o' dancin' until he finally takes off his jacket, gives it to one of the hos, and heads to the ring, a big-ass smile on his face. Meanwhile, we're told DDP was eliminated by Christian and Chuck - I'll call it around (32:15) - oh, there's a double Feature of DDP's elimination. Godfather is not done, he's going back to dance again!! He just can't resist! Godfather gets to the ring just as the count hits - 1 0 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #17 is Albert. Albert nails Christian, Irish whip to corner, avalanche. chuck charges and misses - left, left, dancing, right. Irish whip to the corner, clothesline. Godfather with some punches, Irish whip reversed, HUGE Axe Kick! Albert ties to dump the Godfather but can't, but Christian and Chuck sneak up from behind (snicker snicker) and eliminate Albert! (34:01) Both work on the Godfather, irish whip, clothesline is ducked, double clothesline by the Godfather! both guys whipped into the corner, and it's time for the Hooooooooooooo Train, but they both dodge, and double-clothesline Godfather over the top! (34:42). Crowd boos! Christian goes to shake hands but boots Chuck in the stomach, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #18 is Perry Saturn - with a couple HUGE new tattoos. Neckbreaker by Saturn on Chuck. Elbow - Christian with some punches, but Saturn nails him - clothesline by Chuck. Something happens in the crowd that makes everybody look - I think the hos came out to get the Godfather. Meanwhile, assorted beatings continue in the ring. Saturn is wearing cow shorts. Why?? Suplex on Chuck. Christian ALMOST goes over but not quite. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #19 is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I thiink more bodies are about to hit the floor. Saturn charges but eats clothesline and there's another for Christian, and some stomps for Chuck. Low kick for Saturn - Christian is tossed over (37:44) Irish whip on Saturn, kick - STUNNER. Picks up Chuck and tosses HIM out (37:58), and Saturn is almost right behind 'em (38:06). Austin looks at his non-existent watch and realizes there's lots f time left, so he goes and brings Christian back int he ring. STUNNER! He chucks Christian out again! Now he's got Chuck! whips HIM back in! STUNNER! Looks at his watch again - tosses Chuck out again! Now he sits on the top rope and awaits the next victim. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #20 is Val Venis! He's BACK!! And he looks like a MILLION BUCKS. Holy crap, he's HUGE! Like, Triple H huge!! Aw man, he's still doing the porn gimmick? Did I mention HE'S HUGE?? Venis rolls in and Austin stomps a mudhole in him while the crowd says "what?" with every kick. Val rakes the eyes, three HUGE punches, head into the turnbuckle. Man, Val looks GREAT. And he's HUGE! Right, right, right, Irish whip, big elbow, and another elbow! Knee drop! Mounted punches! Venis is killing him! Ok, maybe not, but he looks FANTASTIC. And he's HUGE! Irish whip, Lou Thesz press, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ..

Entrant #21 is Test - HUGE clothesline on Ausint, right, elbow, right, elbow, Venis joins in. THE BOYS FROM MARKHAM AND WHITBY ARE KICKING AUSTIN'S ASS!! Double Canadian foot choke! Venis waves him back, double Irish whip, double Canadian Reverse Elbow! Venis with a Canadian Right, Test with a Canadian Right, now Venis, now Test, Double Canadian Irish whip, both guys put their heads down, and Austin catches them both. Punches for both guys, test backs into a corner, Austin works on Venis - WHITBY BOOT OF DEATH ABSOLUTELY ANNIHILATES VAL. Holy Christmas in July, that was UBER-NASTY.But, when I playd it in slow motion, Test BARELY TOUCHED HIM. TEST RULES THE FRICKIN' WORLD. Austin nails test with rights, then clotheslines Val over the top! (43:09) Whitby Booth of Death MISSES - STUNNER! And Austin throws Test out! (43:22) Damn, so much for the Canadian Connection, buit they sure took a lot out of Austin, who's still checking his non-existent watch. Who's next? 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ..

Entrant #22 is Triple H! ooooooh boy, this'll be good. I timed H's entrance, and it took him two minutes and 15 seconds to get in the ring, but the shot of him behind the lazers was simply AWESOME, so I guess it's worth it. But technically, shouldn't he be eliminated? Just wondering. Biiig stare-down, trash-talking, they're nose to nose - and they commense with the punches! Austin, H, Austin, H, Austin, H, Austin, Austin, Austin, Austin, knee by H, more punches by H, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #23 is The Hurricane - oh boy, I think he's in biiiiiig trouble. H and Austin clothesline each other. Helms stands in the middle of the ring and tells them BOTH to get up! He signals for a chokeslam on H! He's going for a DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! H and austin looks at each other as if to say "can you believe this guy?" and quickly deposit him over the top (48:07). Austin lands some punches, knife-edge, another, 3, 4, 5, H reversed, lands 4 of HIS own, whip to the corner reversed, clothesline by H. H goes back to work, Irish whip reversed, Spinebuster by Austin, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ..

Entrant #24 is Farrooq - punch for H, punch for Austin, Irish whip on Austin - Spinebuster! Goes to chuck Austin out but Austin hangs on - H nails him from behind, Irish whip reversed, H catches him with a kick - STUNNER by Austin! Clothesline by H sends Farrooq out! (49:39). H back to work on Austin with kicks and punches. H tries to dump Austin but can't - punches by Austin - now Austin tries to dump H but can't - H kicks him off. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #25 is Mr. Perfect! Towel, gum and all! Hennig looks terrific - in fact, I don't think he's even aged a day. I'm ever-so-happy to see him again. Damnit, Fed, hire this man!! He can still throw the towel behind his back and catch it - wow. Perfect in and throws the towel at Austin and heads right for Austin with kicks and punches. H's punch is blocked, and Hennig FLOORS him with a shot of his own! More kicks and punches - kick for H - kick for Austin, knife-edge, 2, punch, strap up - HE'S STILL GOT HIS GUM, THAT'S HOW GOOD HE IS! H heads in but Perfect catches him with a kick and a few punches. H finally grabs him and the two of them try to dump Perfect. While almost being eliminated, Hennig SPITS OUT HIS GUM AND SLAPS IT AWAY. ABSOLUTELY...PERFECT. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #26 is Kurt Angle Kurt waste no time, he sprints in, and heads right for HHH, flooring him with kicks and punches while Perfect beats on Austin. More punches by Kurt - there's a low blow on Austin by Perfect. H reverses and lays into Kurt. Suplex is blockes by Kurt - and reversed! Kurt tries to dump H but can't do it. Austin and Perfect grapple in the other corner. The Game ALMOST goes over but is saved by Austin! 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #27 is...well, it's The Big Show. Show in and headbutts Kurt, chokeslam on Perfect! Show goozles BOTH Austin and H, but they both kick free - they both land punches on the big guy, Irish whip, double clothesline by Show. Another one for Austin - headbutt for H. Headbutt for Austin. Kurt tries to German him - good luck - Show pushes him off - Gorilla press, but H kicks Show in the leg and saves him. Perfect kicks H but goes back down, holding his head. Show whips Austin but Austin hangs on to the ropes - and walks right into a clothesline. Headbutt on perfect - headbutt on Kurt. Irish whip by H - CHOKESLAM ON H! 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #28 is Kane, and the Show stands there, waiting for him. JR reminds us he eliminated 11 guys last year. They're face-to-face, Show says "get off me!" or something, so Kane punches him, Show comes back, Kane, Show, Kane, Show misses, off the ropes, clothesline, but no sale from the big man! Kan off again, but runs into a Sho big boot - double Goozle! Wo will win....The Big Show will, but Kane low-blows him - then he PICKS UP THE BIG SHOW AND THROWS HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE!!! (58:22) HOLY SHIT ON A STICK. Kane turns right into a STUNNER, though, and then is Angle Slammed RIGHT OVER THE TOP BY ANGLE!!! (58:37) Wowzers! H clothesline Angle while he celebrates. Now it's Austin on Perfect, and H on Angle! 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #29 is Rob Van Dam, and as luck would have it, Kurt is lying on the ground, a victim of a HHH DDT, so he leaps to the top and LANDS with the Five-Star Frog Splash! H charges but eats a super-kick, Austin with a kick, STUNNER NO RVD pushes him off - spin kick! Perfect kicks but it's caught - step-over spin kick! Rolling Thunder on Austin! But H is back up - kick to the gut - PEDIGREE! Kurt nails H from behind - RVD lies motionless in the middle of the ring. There's carnage everywhere. Austin boots H, Kurt lays punches and chops on Perfect. WHEN (K)CURTS COLLIDE! Angle goes for a suplex but Pefect reverses. There's only one guy left. Can you dig THAT, sucka? 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ...

Entrant #30 is Booker T He picks up a still-dead RVD and tosses him over like a sack of potatoes, much to the crowds disappointment (1:01:42) Uh oh, he's looking at his hand, you know what that means....Spinnarooni! Austin sees that, wanders over while Booker celebrates, and lands a STUNNER which sends Booker right over the top! (1:02:06) Your Final Four are Stone Cold Steve Austin, Triple H, Kurt Angle, and Mr. Perfect! Kurt attacks Austin STUNNER NO Kurt pushes Austin right into H - PEDIGREE NO Austin takes him down and catapults him into the top turnbuckle! Angle Slam on H!! Perfect working on Austin, now Austin comes back. German Suplex by Angle on Austin! There's another!! And a third!!! #4 is blocked by a low blow by Austin, who tries to get Perfect over the top. Kurt beats on Austin, he's almost over, but NO, he slips underneath! Kurt and Perfect lay the boots to him. Austin's up, fighting both guys off.Kurt is floored with an Austin punch. Austin tried to eliminate Perfect but Angle sneaks in from behind and eliminates Austin!!! (1:04:14)! Kurt celebrates, but Mr. Perfect is over with punches. Now Austin drags Perfect to the outside and hammers him with punches - but Angles out and rams Austin into the stairs! Both men back in - H now throwing punches on H. Stompin' a mudhole in 'em. Now Perfect comes over to help. Now Austin has a chair and is back in! Shot to Angle! Shot to Perfect! And....yes, a shot to Triple H! NOW Austin leaves - I guess he's a little pissed he didn't win! All three men lie half-dead in the middle of the ring - all manage to get up at the same time. Perfect nails H with a forearm, some punches - he holds H, Kurt charges but HHH ducks and nails Pefect, but Perfect does NOT go over! Angle over to punch H, but Perfect's right back on him - Irish whip reversed, Angle puts his head down - PERFECT PLEX!! Somersault Snapmare of the neck! But Perfect doesn't see H charge, and a clothesline sends Perfect over the top! (1:07:08)! It's Triple H and Kurt Angle, and they're staring each other down!! Angle drops the straps!! H motions him to come over! Angle charges and eats spear! Punches by H! More punches! Kicks! Punches! Punches! Kick! Whip into the corner reversed by Angle but he eats boot! H charges but runs into a belly-to-belly overhead suplex!! Angle tries to throw H over, but he can't quite get him over!! Now H IS over but lands on the apron! H landing punches and finally climbs back into the ring - clothesline, chokehold by The Game. Both men stumble to their feet, H charges, H IS BACKDROPPED OVER THE TOP BUT GRABS THE TOP ROPE! Angle thinks he's won! He's down on his knees celebrating! He turns around and sees H in his Hawkman pose - clothesline misses - Facebuster backs him to the ropes, and a clothesline SENDS HIM OVER (1:09:22), and TRIPLE H is the winner of the 2002 Royal Rumble! Angle is throwing a bit of a tantrum on the outside! The game makes the belt motion on the top rope! Play his music, 'cause he won! Kurt leaves, MAD! Hawkman pose by H on the top rope, HUGE WWF logo and THAT'S IT!!!

Well only the entire world picked H to win, so no surprise there, but it was a totally solid Rumble and a totally solid Pay Per View from top to bottom. I enjoyed the crap out of that. Perhaps we'll get a little Jericho/HHH feud? We'll find out - TOMORROW!

By the way...Val Venis? HUGE.

BrewGuy
[slash] wrestling