WARNING: The following program, and its subsequent recap, contains material (Test bias, for example) that may offend some viewers/readers. Discretion is advised, but who am I kidding yer gonna watch the show (AND read the recap) anyway.
WARNING 2: Unauthorized Interception of Receipt PROHIBITED! You know they're serious, because there's THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS behind "Prohibited"! So if you're watching this illegally, send ME $35 and you'll feel much better.
Opening Montage: Zip, zero, nada, nyente, the empty set. This show is too INTENSE for an opening montage besides, you've seen thousands of Brock/Rock montages you don't need another! And, it's cheaper this way!
And now, Foot Locker presents WWE SUMMERSLAM!
Plenty O' Pyro and A Band I Have Yet To Identify tell us that we're in Long Island, NY inside the Nassau Coliseum and everybody's ready to rock n' roll! Michael Cole and Tazz are our initial hosts for reasons as of yet unrevealed, but we'll get to that later it's time to wrassle!
KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, PA 237 pounds)
Now Cole tells us that they'll call the SD matches, while JR and The King will call the Raw matches. Angle is out first, and has new tights AGAIN, which make him look like Your Olympic Candy Striper. Perhaps the new tights are to distract you from the fact that his pyro TOTALLY didn't work. D'OH! Rey's music plays, but there's no Rey. Angle's lookin' pissed and waits for Rey but Rey appears out of NOWHERE on the apron behind him! Rey jumps on the top rope OVER Angle but catches his feet on his head for a pretty wicked-awesome flying head-scissors, and we're off and running!
Angle clothesline misses, Rey off the ropes, Angle backbreaker NO head-scissors by Rey! Dropkick! Monkey flip out of the corner! Boot to the gut, Rey tries to whip Angle but Angle whips him into the instead, waistlock, Rey reverses, Angle's elbows miss 'cause Rey's too short, then Angle grabs Rey's feet and takes him down - Rey pushes him off into the ropes, Angle grabs Rey's leg, somersaults over him, and apples the ANKLELOCK ALL IN ONE F'N MOTION but Rey's right by the ropes and grabs them as fast as he can! Angle won't let go of the leg, Rey hopping on one foot, throwing rights backflip kick Bruce Lee style( breaks that up Angle charges, Rey wit a drop toe hold onto the bottom rope. Rey off the ropes 619 but Angle ducks and pulls Rey out of the ring in a nasty-ass way. Angle rolls back in, then goes out to throw Rey back in. Rey's mask (and pants) are silver tonight, by the way, with a big "619" on one side and a big symbol on the other. Kick by Angle, another, big supple. Angle talkin' a little trash to the crowd. Tough to do that considering the tights he's wearing. Big right by Angle, Irish whip, head down so Rey kicks him, off the ropes again, wheelbarrow into a HUGE GERMAN SUPEX BY Angle! Angle hangs on but Rey grabs the ropes Angle with some shots to the back, but Rey rolls around going for the sunset flip and gets it! 1, 2, no! clothesline by Angle cover, 1, 2, no. angle with a scoop and a backbreaker - Cover, 1, 2 no. Angle puts Rey between the first and second ropes and dries the knee into the lower back breaks at 4, then does it again. "Angle Sucks" chant. Big right hand some taunting by Angle. Another right. And a third. Fourth MISSES, series of forearms, whip to the corner reversed, but Rey jumps off the bottom rope and grabs Angle's head with his legs head-scissors NO Angle catches him in mid-move sidewalk slam! Cover, 1, 2 no! Angle with a half Boston Crab only Rey is on his side instead of his stomach. Tazz calls it a legbar. Cole continues to tell us how Angle has vowed to make Rey tap tonight. Out of nowhere Rey rolls up Angle 1 2 NO! Big clothesline by Angle cover, 1, 2, no. Angle taunting Rey again picks him up big right drops him down again. Another big right. Third right blocked jawbreaker! Series of forearms, whip is reversed, clothesline misses, sunset flip NO Angle drops down, his right hand to Rey's head misses, Rey off the ropes BIG Belly to Belly supple by Angle. THE STRAPS ARE DOWN! Angle Slam NO Rey reverses into an armdrag!! Angle charges but Rey hauls down the top rope and Angle goes flying over the top! Here's a replay of the way-cool Angle Slam reversal. Angle's on the apron of the ring but Rey baseball slides his feet out from under him, causing Angle to smack the Apron with his face on the way down! Rey Rey off the ropes, he's gonna fly but THE REF STOPS HIM?! What the HELL?! The ref leans between the second and third ropes to check on Angle. Rey's done waiting, so he's off and running somersault plancha OVER THE REF!! Wow! Here's a replay of that. Rey throws Angle in the ring. Angle lying face first on the mat while the crowd starts a "Holy Shit" chant. Rey with a HUGE springboard leg drop! Cover, 1, 2, NO!! Rey can't believe it. Whip is reversed Rey slides under, Angle kicks him in the gut, whip to the corner, Rey umps off the second turnbuckle onto Angle's shoulders, a couple of rights but then Angle just DROPS him face first ANKLELOCK! But Rey kicks him away, and Angle lands on the ropes! Rey's off and running again 619 HITS!! WEST COAST POP HITS!!!!! 1, 2, NOOO!!!!! Rey's dumbfounded he wanted the three. Spinning heel kick by Rey. Rey's heading to the top rope Angle charges for his sprint-up-the-ropes supple but Rey somersaults over him! Angle's now sitting on the top rope Rey jumps off the second rope with a big dropkick!! Now Rey climbs up behind Angle and gets on his shoulders spins around, hurricanrana NO Angle doesn't go around, landing right behind Rey ANKLELOCK!! Rey reaching for the ropes, and ANGLE PULLS HIM AWAY! Frey tries to fight it but taps out!!! (9:21) Kurt wins! Angle tells the crowd he did what he said he'd do on his way out. Here's a replay of the 619 and the West Coast Pop (ow, Angle landed RIGHT ON HIS HEAD), and the anklelock that finished off Mysterio. Rey gasps and holds his ankle.
Meanwhile, a backstage guy talks to Stephanie McMahon about how great the match was she tells him to tell Eric to try and top that match, then enters a room with "General Manager" on the door and finds Eric Bischoff waiting for her. "What the hell are you doing in my office?" "Stephanie McMahon, a pleasure to be sure." "Who's pleasure is it Eric it's certainly not mine." "Oh, it's always mine." Bish informs her that there's only one office tonight, so they should just share it. Steph agrees, saying she's like to see the look on Eric's face as SmackDown reigns supreme. Eric tells hr to take out a pen and take notes.
Meanwhile, Lawler welcomes us to the Raw portion of SmackDown. Attaboy, Jerry!
Chris Jericho (Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada 227 pounds)
JR and Lawler show all the events that have led to this match. This is also Ric's first SummerSlam appearance. Jericho glares menacingly at Flair as he removes his robe. There's the bell!
Circle, "woo!", Lockup, Jericho backs Flair up, ref orders the breaks, they do so, but Jericho shoves Flair first. So Flair slap him across the face, and gives us a little styling', profilin', and a 'woo!" Lockup, Jericho goes behind, Ric armdrags him, cover, 1,2, n. Ric struts again. Woo! Jericho with a boot to the gut, right, right, right, right, right, Jericho pushes the ref away, choke, Jericho breaks before 5. Whip to the corner, baaaack body drop! Big clothesline. Back supple! "I'm king of the world!" Elbow MISSES! Chop! Chop! Chop! Whip, Ric puts his head down so Jericho kicks it, off the ropes, Flair throws him over, but Jericho hangs on to the top and hauls himself back in, only to run into a big chop from Flair! Woo! Chop, right, left, right, left, right, woo! Jericho with a right, head into the turnbuckle, chop, chop, whip into the corner, Flair goes flying in back first. Clothesline over the top by Jericho! Jericho follows him out, head into the security wall, Jericho pulls back the padding and drops Flair on the exposed wall! Jericho drapes Flair on the wall up to the top rope, big shot to the back! Flair says "Oh god!" and stumbles right into the cameraman, causing a Blair Witch moment as the cameraman tries to re-steady himself. Jericho picks up Flair and rolls him back in. Right, right, right, fourth right drops Flair. Jericho talkin' trash. Big right Ali shuffle! Another big right another shuffle! Right blocked, chop by flair! Right, chop, chop, whip to the corner, Flair charges but eats elbow, Jericho to the second rope- missile dropkick! Cover, 1, 2, no! Cover again, 1, 2, no! JERICHO starts to take one of the turnbuckles off, but the ref stops him and while he's fixing the turnbuckle, Jericho takes some tape off his wrists and chokes Flair with it! The ref (Charles Robinson) finally catches on and tells him to sop. Flair fires back with a chop. Right by Jericho, chop by Flair, another, another, big right by Jericho drops Flair but he gets right back up, chop, right by Jericho, chop, another Jericho right drops Flair again. Jericho now choking Flair on the second rope. Off the ropes, Boss Man leg drop on the rope. "C'mon, you sunovabitch!" Big supple by Jericho. Jericho heading to the rope taking his time, and Flair is back up and chops him one (almost in mid-pose. There's another and a slam off the top! Both men slow to get up Jericho charges but Flair dodges and Jericho runs into the post shoulder-first. Chop drops Jericho. Another! Whip, baaaack body drop! Woo! Flair dances! Back supple! Cover, 1, 2, no! "Now!" Flair with a headlock, couple punch supple NO Jericho drops underneath, schoolboys him, and now goes for the Walls! But he can't quite get it in there's a rollup by Flair 1 2 no! Big clothesline by Jericho. Chop, chop, whip to the corner, bulldog! Lionsault MISSES! Chop by Flair! Another! Double-leg takedown Flair going for the Walls seems to settle for a half Boston Crab but Jericho takes HIM down FIGURE FOUR!! Flair screaming in pain! He's trying to reach the rope, but he can't quite make it! Crowd getting behind him.he reaches, but NO, the pain is too great! He hasn't tapped, though! Flair reaches for the ropes again...and grabs the second rope and taps very shortly after that! Jericho releases the hold and raises his hands, thinking he's won! "He tapped out!" but the ref said he grabbed the ropes this earns him a shove as Jericho goes back to work on Flair with the boots to the head. Knees to the side Jericho charges for the Boss Man legdrop but Flair dodges! Big chop sends Jericho into Robinson, ho is down, holding his eyes! Flair drops to his knees LOW BLOW! Double leg takedown and Flair with the FIGURE FOUR! And JERICHO TAPS!! (10:24) Flair limps around, styling' and profilin'. Jericho is predictably LIVID. Here's the replay of the rope/tap he grabbed the rope about a half-second before tapping. And here's a replay of Jericho tapping to the Figure Four.
Meanwhile, Brock limbers up while Heyman smiles and looks at a monitor. Heyman compares the Hulk Hogan CD ad to a "Best off" album - he goes on t say he's gotta murder the Rock's title reign because he's different, he's the Brama Bull, etc. etc. Lesnar smiles.
Outside shot of Nassau Coliseum - will the Next Big Thing arrive tonight? Stay tuned!
EDDIE GUERRERO (El Paso, TX - 228 pounds)
Eddie with a little trash talkin' to start lockup, Eddie goes behind, full nelson, Edge reverses, Eddie reverses, elbow by Edge, right, whip, clothesline misses, flapjack by Edge! Cole calls Edge a 'sex symbol' discuss among yourselves. Edge with a sot to the back, waistlock, Eddie reverses, Edge reverses, knee to the gut, supple over the top rope NO Eddie lands on the apron- and drops the back of Edge's neck on the top rope! Right, right, right, right, elbow to the head, trash talkin'! Whip reversed by Edge, leapfrog, and monkey flip! Body slam! Cover, 1, 2, no! Right by Edge, now Edge ties Eddie in the ropes and hits a running shoulderblock to the ribs (it's not a spear unless they SAY it's a spear!) Edge tries for another not-a-spear but Eddie dodges and Edge lands slightly awkwardly. Edge shakes his arm Eddie follows outside, but Edge shoves him away and walks away from him Eddie looks a little stunned a Edge holds his shoulder, and now the ref checks on Edge - but before long, Eddie jumps right on him, running him shoulder first into the stairs! Here's a replay of Edge's awkward landing. Eddie rolls Edge in and starts stomping on the shoulder relentlessly. Whip reversed, Edge put his head down so Eddie knees him in the gut there's an armbar takedown! Eddie now wrenches the arm, pounding away with the elbow. Now Eddie to the top rope, holding Edge arm TOP-ROPE ARMBAR TAKEDOWN! Cover, 1, 2, no! Eddie stomping away there's a hammerlock on the bad shoulder. Here's a replay of the top rope armbar takedown. Eddie yells in Spanish. He's really locking in the hammerlock Edge yelling in pain, trying to get to the ropes and makes it. Eddie lets go but starts pounding way on the shoulder again. Big right drops Edge. Eddie flips off the fans while talkin' Spanish. He then slaps the hammerlock right back on. Ref checks the arm it drops! Checks it again drops again! Checks a third time no! Elbow, snapmare, but Eddie IMMEDIATELY scurries behind and takes down Edge and puts a nasty lookin' armbar on him. Edge reeeally screaming in pain Edge gets to his feet, Eddie drops an elbow on the arm. Back supple now Eddie with a wristlock. Picks Edge up, whip reversed, but Edge eats a short clothesline. Eddie off the ropes, but gets caught in a powerslam! Clothesline by Edge! Another! Backdrop! Eddie in the corner, Edge charges but TOTALLY EATS an elbow. Eddie walks out right into a faceplant! Cover, 1, 2, no! Eddie twists the arm, kick, supple NO Edge suplexes Eddie to the outside! Edge going to the top rope! High Cross Body (more or less) off the top!!! Both men down, and here's a replay. Edge rolls Eddie in heads to the top but Eddie catches him with a right. He climbs up himself but Edge fights back FACE FIRST SUPLEX OFF THE TOP (I don't know what else to call it!) Cover, 1, 2, NO! Edge in the corner setting up for the Spear he charges but Eddie dropkicks him BEAUTIFULY in the shoulder! Eddie to the top Frog Splash GETS THE KNEES! EDGE-A-CUTION! Cover, 1, 2, NOOO!!!!!! Edge is SHOCKED! Edge goes for another but Eddie counters into a Northern Lights 1, 2, no! Neckbreaker! Eddie heading up to the top again, but Edge is up and catches him! Superplex NO, headbutts to the shoulder, and he shoves Edge off. FROG SPLASH ON THE SHOULDER!! (Tazz: "JESUS!!!") Cover, 1, 2, NOOOO!!!!! Eddie can't believe that at ALL! Eddie goes right to work on the shoulder up to the top, but Edge throws him off Eddie clothesline misses SPEAR! Cover, 1, 2, 3!!(11:50) Edge wins, and that RULED. Here's a replay of the spear. Eddie kicks the bottom rope in disgust.
"We're not considered a pastime. Contract disputes don't determine the outcome of OUR season. Negotiations are handled a little differently in THIS arena. When two sides have a problem, it's taken care of face to face. World Wrestling Entertainment. Our Season NEVER Ends." Well, it's certainly obvious that the WWE thinks the players are gonna strike...
Meanwhile, The Coach is with The Un-Americans. Christian and Lance can't wait to expose Booker T and Goldust for the American shams they are. The only problem is, they have to do it here in Long Island. "What's wrong with that?" "We perform in cities all over this country, and this Long Island crowd, typifies American. They're lazy, they're unappreciative, unresponsive and spoiled." "And the sickening part about it is that they'll all be sitting on their hands while athletes like myself and Lance will be performing at a world class level. 'Cause just like greedy Americans, they're always wanting more. Well if they want more, we'll give them more more of the Un-Americans as WWE Tag Team Champions."
WWE Tag Team Championship
Lawler calls the Un-Americans "From Canada, where the start of Moose Season is a national holiday". For the record, that isn't true. Goldust and Christian will start.
Circle, lockup hoops no, Christian with a boot to the gut. Right, right, right, right, whip reversed, flying butt pliers. Storm in ad he gets powerslammed. Kick to the gut, Goldust off the ropes, drop-down slap to the face. Cover, 1, , no. Christian with a right, tag to Storm. Storm runs into an armdrag. Knee by Storm, right, whip reversed, atomic drop, clothesline! Tag to Booker! Right, right, whip, big elbow. Arm twist but Storm hits a knee, off the ropes, sidewalk slam by Booker. Booker off the ropes, robotic-like knee drop. Cover, 1, 2, no. Tag to Goldust, who lands an elbow on the head off the second rope. Big right, whip reversed, Christian slaps Goldust as he's whipped and that earns him a big slap of his own. Storm with a thumb to the eye, whip to the corner and Goldust goes all the way over to the floor! Christian rams him into the security wall, then rolls him back in. Storm covers, 1, 2, no. Kick, kick, kick, series of rights, tag to Christian. Kick, right, Goldust fires back with rights, but Christian floors him, then chokes him with his foot. Goldust in the corner, Christian flips off Booker T get him in the ring, then double-teams Goldust while the ref is distracted. Backbreaker by Christian. Cover, 1, 2, no! Tag to Storm. Storm with a kick, whip, dropkick but Goldust hang on to the ropes and rolls him up, 1, 2, no! Storm charges Goldust takes Storm down in a sot of double-handed chokeslam. Storm tags Christian and Christian doesn't let Goldust tag Booker wit a front facelock. Booker rallies the crowd! Goldust slowwwly gets to his feet he gets closer a little closer he back body drops Christian and tags Booker! Booker starts cleaning house but the ref didn't see the tag! Booker is furious, but the Un-Americans grab Goldust and double-team him in their corner! Storm with an arm twist and a clotheslines cover, 1, 2, Booker saves. "Booker T chant". Storm with a headlock, tag to Christian. Goldust now trying to fight out of the corner and does it Monkey flip on Christian into Storm rollup 1, 2, no! Double clothesline floors both men! Ref starts the count up to 6 Goldust trying to tag but Christian grabs his leg Storm around to trip up Booker! HE CHASES AFTER Storm meanwhile, Goldust gets free and leaps for the tag, but Booker isn't there! And while the ref is holding back Booker, Storm gets two chairs! Con-Chair-To on Goldust MISSES! Double clothesline! Goldust sloowwwlly making his way over....he reeeaaches TG OF HOTNESS to Booker! Clothesline for Storm! Right for Christian! Clothesline for Storm, another for Christian! Baaaack body drop on Storm! Series of big chops on Christian! Whip revered, clothesline misses, big forearm! Booker going o the top(!) missile dropkick on Christian! Goldust knocks out Storm! Cover, 1, 2, NO!! Kick by Booker Scissors kick NO, Un---prettier NO Booker pushes him off flapjack by booker! Calf kick by Storm but Booker ducks and it hits the ref! Booker kicks Storm both guys have their heads down off the ropes, Scissors kick on BOTH guys! Uh oh it cold be time..it is! Spinnarooni!! Followed by the Harlem sidekick! Cover,.but there's no ref, even if the audience DOES count to 10 for them! Storm's belt shot MISSES and he gets cuffed by Goldust! Both guys beat on Storm, then clothesline him over the top Goldust follows him over. Booker turns around, and there's Test out of nowhere into the WHITBY BOOT OF DEATH~!!! Christian covers, 1,2,3! (9:37). Champs retain, thanks to TEST! The Un-Americans celebrate here's a repay of Test running in and Booting Booker into the next universe.
Meanwhile, at The World, some guy won a 'make-out contest" with Nidia. There's two finalists Nidia picks one. Noble throws the other guy away, and gets to swappin' tongues with the guy on a conveniently located leather couch. Man, Nidia will do ANYthing.
Meanwhile, Bisch says Nidia knows her place in the business. Steph says the women's place is on top (oh hyuk hyuk please stop the hilarity), Bisch says we'll see who's on top after the IC title comes back o Raw. Steph says she can safely say that'll NEVER happen.
WWE Intercontinental Title Match
Test of strength NO RVD boots BENOIT HARD in the leg. They try again, Benoit takes a swipe at RVD and misses. Another try, big kick by RVD, and another, and a third drops Benoit. HUGE kick to the jaw sends Benoit to the outside! Benoit takes his time on the outside while RVD poses then gets back in. Another Test of strength try, another kick by RVD second kick is caught - dragon leg screw by Benoit! Benoit with a headlock from behind RVD slowly gets to his feet RVD shoots Benoit off, HUGE shoulder block by Benoit. Whip into the corer, Benoit charges but RVD flips over him, somersaults to the other corner, springboard cross body, 1, 2 no! Quick spinning heel kick drops Benoit. Kick, forearm, whip, clothesline but Benoit somersaulted under it, clothesline misses, spinning kick misses, German supple folds RVD up. Benoit drops a quick elbow, then rams RVD into the second turnbuckle. Short clothesline nearly takes RVD's head off. Cover, 1, 2, no. Backbreaker, cover, 1, 2, no. Stomps by Benoit snap supple! Cover, 1, 2, no. Benoit with an arm bar RVD yelling in pain, but slowly gets to his feet. Nice armdrag takes down Benoit but Benoit is right back on his feet and FLOORS RVD with a huge elbow. Small package by RVD 1 2 no! Backslide by RVD, 1, 2, no! Monkey flip, but Benoit is right back up again, with a clothesline! Stomp, head into the turnbuckle, HGUE chop, another, kick, Benoit's just murdering him now. Whip to the corner, Benoit charges but eats boot Split-Legged Moonsault GETS THE KNEES! There's the fingers across the throat! Benoit to the top Swandive Headbutt MISSES! RVD with a spinning legdrop. Now HE goes up to the top 5-Star Frog Splash MISSES! And Benoit is right on him with the CROSSFACE! And he's right in the middle of the ring! RVD slowwwwly makes his way to the ropes he can't reach them then he sticks out his foot and reaches them! Benoit breaks. Here's a shot of Steph and Bisch, as Steph adds a scintillating "Get 'em, Benoit!". Benoit rams RVD into the turnbuckle. BIG chop, boot, right RVD looks mad. Whip to the corner, Benoit charges but eats elbow RVD to the top but Benoit shoves him off to the outside!! RVD is holding his arm. Benoit to the outside arm wrench now Benoit runs the shoulder right into the steel pole! Benoit rolls RVD back in scoop, shoulderbreaker! And a lightning-quick elbow! Stomp! Now RVD is dragged to the middle of the ring RVD gets to his feet slap by Benoit, kick, chop, forearm by RVD, whip, HUGE elbow by Benoit. Cover, 1, 2, no. Somebody in the crowd does something stupid, causing half the crowd to chant "Asshole". Benoit has both RVD's arms and is driving the knee into RVD's back. He slowwwwly gets to his feet trying to reverse but Benoit turns it around and drives the knee into the back again. Then he takes RVD's arms and chokes RVD out with his own arms. Cool! RVD actually manages to reverse this by doing a backward somersault but Benoit's power is too much kick, and Benoit tosses RVD to the canvas like a sack of potatoes. Cool quick foot sweep takes Benoit down off the ropes, cartwheel senton MISSES, Benoit SLAPS ON THE CROSSFACE! RVD yelling in pain he's not very close to the ropes now he fires elbows off to break free Benoit rolls him up, 1, 2, NO! Benoit with an arm bar into a hammerlock, then rams RVD into the steel pole. Here's a replay of that. Benoit still with the hammerlock NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX ON THE ARM and Benoit HANGS ON knee to the gut, ANOTHER NORTHERN LIGHTS on the arm Benoit floats over a THIRD NORTHERN LIGHTS!! Benoit floats over AGAIN RVD starts to break free but Benoit AGAIN puts on the CROSSFACE! You'd think this would do it, but RVD is working his way toward the ropes and he's about to get there but Benoit grabs his hand, moves in front of him, and puts on a dragon sleeper. Benoit is GOD. RVD bridges up CROSSFACE BY RVD ON BENOIT! Benoit quickly breaks it though, and delivers a dropkick to RVD's face. Big right by Benoit and another. Whip to the corner, Benoit charges but eats elbow RVD lands a springboard kick from the second rope! Cover, 1, 2, no! Benoit kick is blocked step-over heel kick! Rolling Thunder!! Cover, 1, 2, NO! Forearm, whip to the corner, shoulder block but RVD hurt his shoulder so he can't do another Benoit's clothesline misses - spinning heel kick by RVD! Cover, 1, 2, no! Forearm, whip to the corner somersault monkey flip NO Benoit puts him on the top but RVD kicks him off Benoit pushes RVD off and RVD gets crotched! Now Benoit pounding on RVD's neck TOP ROPE BACK SUPERPLEX NOOO RVD reverses into a cross body in mid-air!! Now RVD is up to the top 5-Star HITS!!! Cover, 1, 2, 3!!! (16:32) We have a NEW Intercontinental champion, and his name is Rob Van Dam! RVD is dead, but barely has enough energy to point...to..himself. Bisch says "YES!" RVD celebrates while the replay of the 5-Star is shown.
Meanwhile Bisch says "never say never" to which Stephanie laughs like a banshee when Bisch says you can watch the IC champion on Raw. Hmmmm, RVD to SmackDown, it looks like.
THE UNDERTAKER (Houston, TX 300 pounds)
Taker comes out on the bike, as per usual. Test leaves the ring when Taker gets in. Test slowwwwwwwwwly takes his shirt off and gets into the ring, and there's the bell! GO TEST GO!
Circle, lockup, Test with a headlock, shoulder block by Test!! Off the ropes, Taker drops, down, Taker with a LEAPFROG, Taker with a hiptoss(!) arm bar, shoulder block another. A third NO Test buries the knee, twice, a third time, Test with a whip, clothesline misses, Taker flying clothesline nearly folds Test in half because he jumped up to meet it. Test RULES. Taker with an armbar wrenching it he twists the arm again goes to the corner for Old Skool but Test shoves the ref into the rope, causing Taker to crotch himself! Test is SMART!! Taker on the apron Test charges and a big right sends Taker crashing down! Here's a replay of Test's most-awesome old skool avoidance. Test on the outside now big right to Taker. Another right. Taker with a boot, right, whip to the stairs reversed and Taker goes flying over the steps! Test breaks the count. JR says that he has no doubt that sometime soon, Test will be wearing some major gold around his waist. If JR were here right now, I'd hug him. Test picks up Taker and throws him into the ring. Taker with a right, but Test with a boot and a right of his own. Head into the turnbuckle Test measures big elbow! And another! A third! Foot choke, Test breaks at 4. taker with a headbutt to the gut, a second, a third, but Test stops him with a knee. Whip to the corner, HUGE clothesline by Test. Crowd BOOS! I CHEER! Right by Test, right by Taker, Test, Taker, knee by Test stops Taker GAIN. Short left-handed clothesline. Test with an armbar, Taker yelling in pain...he slowly makes his way to his feet....right to the gut, another, another, Test clothesline misses big back supple by Taker!! Taker elbow MISSES! Right by Test, right by Taker, Test, Taker, Taker, Taker, knee by Test stops Taker AGAIN! Test with a whip, drops his head, so Taker DDT's him! Cover, 1, 2, no! Now Taker's go the arm again and this time, Old Skool is successful! Taker with a big clothesline in the corner. Whip to the corner, scoop, Snake Eyes! Taker's big boot MISSES PUMPHANDLE NO Taker drops down GOOZLE Test elbows out! Whitby Boot Of Death MISSES BOOZLE CHOKESLAM! Oh nooo...noooooo...cover,.1,.2..NOOO!!!!! TEST KICKED OUT!!!! TEST KICKED OUT!!!! TEST KICKED OUT!!!!!!! Taker signals for the Last Ride, but here's Lance Storm, who gets thrown into the ring by Taker. Christian follows and gets the same treatment. Clothesline to Storm in one corner, clothesline to Christian in another. Chokeslam to Storm! Chokeslam to Christian! Taker turns around WHY F'N BOOT OF F'N DEATH YEAHHH!!!!!!! COVER, 1, 2, NOOOOO!!!!! Test is PISSED! I am PISSED! Test chases after the ref! He can't believe it! Neither can I! Test is pissed now he goes to the outside and gets a chair! Ref tries to take it away, but Test manages to keep it but he turns right into a Taker boot, which sends the chair back into his own face!! Taker with a scoop TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! Ahhhh shit, that's the ballgame, turn out the lights, the party's over...cover, 1, 2, 3. (8:20). Taker goes into the crowd and gets the American flag, then poses on the top rope with it. Here's a replay of the Tombstone. Taker holds up the flag and says "Hell NO, I ain't puttin' Test over! I don't CARE if it's the right thing to do, I AIN'T DOIN' IT!" ...ok, he didn't' say that. I sure said it, though! No, I'm not bitter...why do you ask?
Ad for ShopZone.com, which refuses to sell Test stuff, so IT SUCKS
Foot Locker presents "Test Was Screwed" live from Long Island! There's Taker leaving on his bike - OH MY GOD TEST STICKS A CROWBAR IN HIS WHEEL SENDING THE UNDERTAKER FLYING SIXTY FEET INTO THE AIR RIGHT INTO THE SUMMERSLAM SIGN....ok, that didn't really happen. But it should've! ...alright, maybe I'm a LITTLE bit bitter.
WWE Non-Sanctioned Match
How can it be a "WWE Unsanctioned Match" if it's not sanctioned? Shouldn't it just be an unsanctioned match? Michaels comes out first, complete with confetti guns and an old costume over jeans and a T-shirt which says "Philippians 4:13" The King James Bible's Philippians 4:13 reads "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." The New International Version's Philippians 4:13 reads "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I knew you were wondering, and now you know. As Triple H approaches, Michaels perches himself on the top rope and waits. The Game looks freshly shaven for this contest, by the way. Michaels approaches, throws his shirt at H, and starts pounding way!
Michaels with more rights, backs H into the corner, H with a kick to the gut, throws Michaels outside but Shawn is right back in spear!! Right, right, right, right, H shoves Michaels off. H right blocked, right, right, right, side headlock by H, Michaels shoots him off, shoulder block by H Michaels drops down, Michaels (sorta) leapfrogs, Michaels tosses H to the outside! Michaels launches himself over the top with a cross body!! More rights by H. Michaels looks pretty good so far. Knee to the gut by H. Head to the pole NO Michaels reverses and rams H into the pole! H rolls back into the ring H rolls back out, so does Michaels. Clothesline drops H. Michaels looking under the ring for something he's got a trash can and a lid. He throws the can into the ring, takes the lid, heads over to H but gets kneed in the gut. H then drops Michaels on the security wall. H reaches down to get Michaels, but Shawn nails him with the trash can lid, then brings himself into the ring by hauling himself over the top rope- I can do everything through him who gives me strength. By Michaels! He's got the garbage can and he nails H in the head with it! Out goes Shawn again to the top rope(!) Double axe handle connects! Michaels motioning for the Sweet Chin Music it MISSES, backbreaker by H, which Michaels sells like somebody just stabbed him in the back. There's a replay. H picks Michaels up another backbreaker!! Right by H. Head to the turnbuckle. Whip to the corner, and Michaels again sells it big-time. The Game is methodical here. Another HUGE whip, and Michaels is down on his knees CROTCH CHOP BY H big kick. Elbow to the back and Michaels screams. Replay of the crotch chop from a better angle. H continuing to work on the back cover, 1, 2, no. H to the outside he grabs a chair. And he NAILS Michaels in the back with it. Michaels face is a mask of pain. Cover, 1, 2, no! Lawler and JR think that maybe Michaels should just let it end. Exchange of rights, knee to the gut by H suplex NO Michaels floats over, rolls him up 1 2 NO! Right by Michaels, another, whip, Michaels put his head down facebuster! H gets the chair again and lays it in the middle f the ring. Picks Michaels up DDT on the chair!! Cover, 1, 2, NO! H kinda smiles. Michaels is cut on the forehead. H takes off Michael's belt WHIP! WHIP! H wraps it around his hand and hammers away at Michaels' face. H picks up Michaels big right floors him. Now H is out, looking under the ring for something. He can't seem to find it...man, he ALWAYS forgets where stuff s under the ring. NOW he's found what he was looking for, the dreaded sledgehammer! Earl tells him not to do it H pulls him away! Michaels kicks H in the gut! And again! Right, right, right, right, H is down and drops the hammer, whip to the corner reversed abdominal stretch! H uses he ropes for leverage Hebner wants to kick his arm off, but he can't it's all legal!! Hebner PLEADING with him to stop H shoves Hebner into the ropes Hebner rebounds and shoves him right back! "KNOCK IT OFF!" yells Hebner. H slowly backs off from Hebner. H over to Michaels, who punches him in the gut. AND ANOTHER! Michaels on his feet kick to the gut, right, knee to the gut by H stops Michaels. H puts Shawn on the top now- big right. H is up, Shawn fighting him off big right sends him off! Crowd cheering now.Michaels to the top, selling his back...but H shoves Hebner and Michaels gets crotched, and drapes himself over the turnbuckles perfect setup for a chairshot to the back!! H sets up a chair in the middle of the ring BACKBREAKER ON THE CHAIR! Michaels looks dead. "Holy shit" chant. Cover, 1, 2, no! Another, 1, 2, no! Yet another, 1, 2, no! H stomps the chair back into semi-normal form. He lays it own, picks up Michaels sidewalk slam on the chair!! JR: Fast count him, Earl! Get it over with!" Cover, 1, 2, no! Another, 1, 2, no! Another, 1, 2, no! H is getting mad. "HBK" chant. H puts the chair in the middle of the ring again setting up for a Pedigree hooks the arms Michaels drops down, LOW BLOW! Both men down! Both men slowly up H has the chair Hebner trying to tell him not to use it SWEET CHIN MUSIC ON THE CHAIR BY MICHAELS!! Here's a replay! H stands up, and H is MASSIVELY busted open. Shawn up big right! Another! A third! A fourth! Whip reversed, flying forearm! MICHAELS KIPS UP!!! He's jumping up and down!!! Right, right, whip, baaaack body drop! Michaels has the chair chairshot to the head!! Whip to the corner reversed, but Michaels reverses again and H is whipped right over the top! Here's a replay of the chairshot! Meanwhile, Shawn nails H with a garbage lid! Now HE'S got the belt! WHIP! WHIP! He's got a garbage can shot to H's head! Michaels with the can lid shot takes him over Tazz and Cole's table! Michaels takes off the boot of one of the Spanish announcers and nails H with it! Now he's moving the top off the stairs he's circling the ring BULLDOG ON THE SEPS!! Now Michaels looks under the ring and gets.......a ladder! He puts I on his shoulder and RAMS it into H's head! Now he's driving it into H's stomach! Here's a replay of the ladder ram as Michaels sets the ladder up in the corner. Whip is reversed but Michaels stops himself big right, double-leg takedown catapult into the ladder!! H REALLY has the crimson mask goin' now. Cover by Michaels, 1, 2, NO!! Michaels now brings the ladder into the ring but H baseball slides it into Michaels' gut! H is out now with rights to Michaels' head. H throws Michaels into the ring. H to the top but Michaels catches him with right hands SUPERPLEX! And Michaels landed on his side to save his back! Cover, 1, 2, NO! Whip is reversed Michaels with a crucifix, now he rolls H up 1 2 NO!! Michaels off the ropes but eats a high knee! Cover, 1, 2, no! H looks at the sledge but leaves it there, goes to the outside, and brings the top of the steps into the ring! He picks them up, has them over his head, but Michaels drop toe holds them back into H's face!! Both men up Michaels with a running clothesline sending H over the top! Michaels looking under the ring again and now he's got a table!! He sets the table then he walks over and floors H with a right now the table is properly set up. Now Michaels has a fire extinguisher and he nails H in the head, and H is now laying on the table! Michaels is going to the top! SPLASH THROUGH THE TABLE!!!! Here's a replay! And another! The crowd chants "Holy Shit"! H rolls into the ring. Michaels gets the ladder and brings it into the ring! He sets it up in the corner, and climbs to the top!! ELBOW OFF THE LADDER! And Michaels gets RIGHT BACK UP! He's PSYCHED! He's PUMPED! He's making the sign for the Sweet Chin Music!! Michaels shaking he goes for it, H catches it! Kick to the gut, Pedigree NO, double leg takedown, rollup, 1, 2, 3!!!!! (27:20) Shawn Michaels WINS! He kisses Hebner on the head in celebration! The crowd goes nuts, and H NAILS MICHAELS IN THE BACK WITH THE SLEDGEHAMMER! Michaels is on his knees H tells him to look in his eyes the sledge is over his head AND HE SMOKES MICHAELS IN THE BACK WITH THE SLEDGEHAMMER! Michaels is OUT! H raises his arms! The crowd BOOS! Michaels doesn't move! Hebner calls for help! A doctor (at least, a guy in a white coat) comes in, and H gives Michaels a crotch chop! The EMT's are putting Michaels on the stretcher, and H is LAUGHING. H laughs all the way to the back. The EMT's get a collar on Michaels and take him out on the stretcher. Here's the replay of the finish. And here's a replay of the first sledge shot and the second, much more nastier-lookin' shot. Michaels gets a rousing cheer as they wheel him out.
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JR continues to lambaste Triple H, and then shills Unforgiven. And now we're with The Fink. "Ladies and Gentlemen, before we present our championship match, I, Howard Finkel, have a few things that I would like to get off my chest. First of all, I'm very proud to say that this is the first PPV that I've announced in this arena since WrestleMania 2! Thankyou! It's a little something called commitment! And just so you know, Major League Baseball may be going on strike, but you WWE fans will always have The Fink!" We hear Trish's music, and there's Trish Stratus. She comes to the ring and gets a mic but before she starts, "Hold on, hold on honey! Hold on! Two weeks ago, you slapped me in the face! Last week, you pushed me into a pool of mud! Now just because you're in an arena of Long Island skanks, doesn't give you the right to think that you're hot stuff and interrupt me!" "I know I know, and Howard, I've been feeling very bad about the things I've done to you, and I hope you'll accept my apology. But y'know I gotta tell you I've been sitting there in the back listening to you all night, and I gotta tell you, I didn't realize until tonight what a sexy voice you have!" Fink likes this "To make it up to you, I have a little surprise." Trish removes her hat. Fink: "Oh wow, hey Trish, y'know we may have something here, because I'll tell you, it's certainly a dog-eat-dog world, isn't it? Especially when you've got the puppies, and I've got my wiener!" "Yes you do, Howie, but you know what, lets go slow, lets start off with a little hug or maybe a big hug, Howie." "Fine with me" The hug commences. I am SPELLBOUND!! "Wow, Trish I must tell you something, that certainly is a pleasant surprise to me, what's going on here." "Well, next I was thinking...actually Howard, the real surprise, is Lillian Garcia!" Sure enough, Lillian's behind The Fink and she's got some choice words for him....and a big slap which floors The Fink! Kick to the groin!!! Trish raises Lillian's hand, but she's STILL pissed. The girls leave, and JR and The King send it down to Michael Cole and Tazz, who will call the "SmackDown main event". Cole and Tazz say the talking is over and I agree. Let's get it on! But first, here's a big montage how these two got together.
WWE Undisputed Championship
Brock comes out first because that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be Rock comes out, takes about three steps forward, lays down the belt, starts mimicking Brock's dance, much to Lesnar's delight. Then the Rock SPRINTS to the ring, Brock's punch is blocked, Rock with rights and we're ON!!
Rock with a Right, another right, Belly-to-Belly Overhead Suplex by Lesnar!!! Cover, 1, 2, no! Lesnar scoops up Brock driving the ribs into his knee and again! Cover, 1, 2, no! "Rocky" chant. Shoulder block, 2, 3, 4, 5! Lesnar with a knee to the ribs that sends Rock to the outside! Heyman gets a kick in! Lesnar follows, club to the back clothesline over the security wall! There's a replay of Heyman's kick. Lesnar with a GORILLA PRESS drops Rock on the security wall! Clothesline over the wall again! Brock with a cocky kick, then rolls Rock in! Another overhead B2B suplex! Cover, 1, 2, no! Brock picks up Rock, Rock breaks free, right, right, right, off the ropes, Heyman trips Rock! Lesnar drops an elbow, and another! Stomp, stomp, Heyman with a choke while Lesnar distracts the ref! Lesnar grabs the leg, drags Rock to the middle but Rock with a right, 2, 3, whip reversed, Brock puts his head down so Rock kicks it, Rock charges, powerslam by Lesnar! Cover, 1, 2, NO! "Rocky Sucks" chant??? Big right by Brock, shoulder block, and another. Lesnar backs off, then CHARGES into the Rock's ribs. Backs off, Lesnar charges again but Rock dodges and Lesnar eats the pole and the crowd BOOS! Back suplex by Rock! More booing!! Da HELL is goin' on here?? ANOTHER "Rocky Sucks" chant! Both men down, ref counting BOTH MEN KIP UP AT 6!! Right by the rock, another, whip reversed, clothesline by Rock, NO SALE! Brock tells him to do it again, so he does this one stuns, but doesn't drop Lesnar! Lesnar says do it again Rock ducks a Lesnar Rock's. Drops Brock!! Kick, DDT! Crowd BOOS! Cover, 1, 2, no! Rock going for the Sharpshooter but Heyman is on the apron so Rock nails him! Lesnar with a kick but Rock - Dragon Leg whip that doesn't quite go as planned! Rock sets up the Sharpshooter to BIG BOOS and he LOCKS IT IN! Lesnar's in pain, but he won't quit! "Let's Go Lesnar" chant?!? ! Lesnar looks like he's about to tap....so Paul gets on the apron again, and Rock breaks the hold and pulls Heyman into the ring! Rock setting him up Rock Bottom NO Lesnar nails Rock in the back. Ref gets Heyman out of the ring, but Heyman had kicked in a chair Lesnar nails Rocks in the ribs with the chair!! BEARHUG!! Rock in pain, but fires off rights until Lesnar nails a back suplex! Another "Lets Go Lesnar" chant!!! And Lesnar STILL has the bearhug on! Rock can't break free! Tazz points out all the Lesnar fans- good job! The Rock is trying to make it to the ropes but he's fading....Lesnar cinches in the bearhug.....ref checks the arm it drops! Checks the arm again it drops again!!! Checks the arm a third time it stays up!!! Crowd BOOS!!! Rock to his feet right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right breaks the hold, right, right has Lesnar reeling, right, Heyman on the apron again, but Rock with a LOW BLOW!!! Crows BOOS AGAIN!! Rock looks EVIL God love 'em. Rock over to pick up Brock but Brock explodes and drives Rock back into the corner!! Lesnar really selling the low blow Charging shoulder block into the ribs! Another one N Rock with a clothesline! Right, right, right, right, right spit punch LANDS and sends Brock to the outside!! Crowd is really mixed! Tazz points out how great it is to have a choice. Rock rams Brock's head into the stairs three times in succession. Now Rock is taking apart the Spanish announcer's table. Rock turns around and catches an approaching Heyman who yells "OH SHIT!!!!" Heyman tries to talk his way out but it doesn't work head into the table! Lesnar's clothesline misses Rock nails him with one of his own! Rock shines up the steel post, the catapults Lesnar into it and Lesnar jumped so high, he almost his head on the top o the pole! Now Rock has Heyman - ROCK BOTTOM THROUGH THE TABLE ON HEYMAN!! That'll take care of HIM for this match. Rock picks up Brock and throws him into the ring. HUGE "Rocky Sucks" chant! Rock measuring Brock.....ROCK BOTTOM!!! Cover, 1, 2, NOOO!!!!!!! Rock can't believe it! He's talkin' to himself! Another "Let's go Lesnar" chant! Rock picks up Brock NO BROCK BOTOM!!!!!!! Cover, 1, 2, NOOO!!!!!!! Both men down! Ref starts the count! Both men are up at 6! Brock has the advantage whip reversed, spinebuster!!!! Rock kicks the leg! He takes off the elbow pad! He hits the ropes, he hit the other ropes and Brock leaps up and SMOKES ROCK WITH A CLOTHESLINE!!! F5 NOOOO Rock lands on his feet!! Right, right, right, ROCK BOTTOM NO Lesnar with an elbow, ANOTHER ROCK BOTTOM NOOOO Lesnar twists the arm Rock's on Brock's shoulders, F5!!!!!! Cover, 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!!! (16:02) The winner, and YOUR NEW Undisputed Champion, Brock Lesnar!!! Brock stares at the title and YELLS and hits his head against it! Tazz: "Who in the HELL will be able to stop The Next Big Thing?" Lesnar is the youngest WWE Champion in history, the FASTEST champion in history, I think (did anybody ever beat five months?), and as Brock stares at his new belt, Michael Cole declares that The Next Big Thing has ARRIVED! HUGE WW Entertainment logo and THAT'S IT!!!
WELL. Except for Test losing, that pretty much rocked my world. As for the answer to Tazz's question, it's anybody's guess, but MY guess involves a certain Machine who is Big and Red. Who ELSE would it be??
Tune in tomorrow as The Brock Lesnar Era BEGINS!!