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WCW Bash at the Beach

Chris Jones



Greetings, interested readers!

Mi nombre es Chris (Mr. Jones, if you're nasty) and this is YOUR Bash at the Beach recap! Before I get started I'd like to thank CRZ for taking a chance and letting a complete unknown do the first pay-per-view recap ever seen on [slash] wrestling. Hopefully I won't suck... too bad, anyway. But even if I do I can't be any more bland or uninteresting than that new guy on Talk Soup. Or can I? Read and find out!

This article is officially my new personal high point in the world of internet wrestling coverage. My previous high point, if you're curious, was the recap of a WWF house show I did in which a news reporter misread a match result and posted on numerous sites that Dude Love had won the Intercontinental championship. I even got a mention in the News From Dayton out of it! So as you can see, this is a big step up from that experience.

You know, as I scan over the main [slash] wrestling page, I can't help noticing that something I wrote will soon be linked next to things written by the likes of Jim Ross, Bret Hart, and Herb Kunze. So with that in mind, business is pickin' up... I just want to be your hero... and I do not e-mail images!

And on that note... on with the show!

This is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and WRESTLE! Why? 'Cause we're OUT THERE!

We open with a special look at the participants of tonight's main event. Nash, Savage, Sting, Sid... who will walk away with the gold? Or perhaps more importantly, how many men will Nash singlehandedly defeat? And how many women will he leave with? And hey, who was driving that pesky Hummer? Perhaps we'll find out tonight!

Cameras pan the arena where we are LIVE at the National Car Rental Center in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida! After some brief opening hype we're taken to...

DJ RAN? Well, the good DJ is once again all up in our area, and he continues his mission to find the rowdiest fans in the building. I want to know what he'll do if he ever FINDS them. "If you're sexy and you know it, make some noise!" Uh... yeah.

We're taken to our hosts for this magical mystery tour, "SILVA TUNG" TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN, both decked out in Hawaiian shirts. They fill us in on the changes to the main event. If Nash could trust Sting before, he certainly can't any longer as Sting can actually PIN his own partner to become world champion. That Nash is one clever bastard, ain't he? Also tonight, Mike Tenay is at the junkyard for the first ever Invitational Hardcore Match. It's UNSANCTIONED! And Mills Lane will attempt to add some legitimacy to tonight's boxing match between Roddy Piper and Buff Bagwell. Good luck, Mills!

It's GENE MEAN! Gene's sporting some beach attire of his own, missing only the goop on his nose to complete the look. There's some people backstage who's identity we wouldn't BELIEVE! It's breaking news! Call the WCW hotline for more!

"THE PROFESSOR" "IRON" MIKE "IXNAY" "SCOOP" TENAY has made his way to the junkyard, thanks to the tireless efforts of his location-ratting spies. Good thing Mike's so well connected or he'd have had to stoop to asking the camera crew the location... or he could have asked Hak. Or Jimmy Hart. Or... well, you get the picture. Mike catches us up on Flair's banning of the hardcore matches and Hak's subsequent challenge, while we're given a look at the setup. A large ring of cars will attempt to enclose the combatants. Tenay says there's even a car compactor, though we don't see it. To win, escape the ring of cars, make your way to a steel fence, climb the fence and touch the ground to be declared the winner of this first ever Invitational Hardcore Obstacle Course.

Back inside the arena Tony reminds us the hardcore match is UNSANCTIONED! Up next, The Cat and Disco Inferno!

A package of clips shows us some of the history between these two.

ERNEST "THE CAT" MILLER (with Sunny) vs. DISCO INFERNO - As the Cat makes his entrance, Tony lets us know that the "loser can't dance" stipulation has been removed. So then the point of this match would be... what? Cat grabs the microphone and reminds us that he's the greatest, a baaaaad man, and we'd betta call his momma. Apparently he and Disco will have yet another dance contest to start the match. Why? Because this is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and WRESTLE! Miller puts on his ruby red slippers and proceeds to have a rhythm-based seizure. Disco starts his dancing and wisely ducks an attack by Miller. He must have been watching the video clips! Disco hammers the Cat into a corner. Whip to the other side, another whip, and yet another as the Cat finally slides to the outside. Cat still wants us to call his momma. He re-enters and keeps Disco at bay with several kick attempts. Disco charges with a tackle and hammers away! Whip to the ropes, inverted atomic drop, regular atomic drop, another whip, and the Cat eats a clothesline. Disco covers and gets a 2. Cat scores with a kick to gain the advantage. He throws Disco to the outside, where Sonny dazzles us with his martial arts ability. Cat heads outside and throws Disco to the steel railing. Whip to the railing, Disco reverses, and the Cat eats the steel! They're back inside and Cat lands a low blow. Cat throws Disco to a corner and hammers him to the mat. Whip to the ropes, Disco hits a sunset flips that gets him 2. Miller hops up with a superkick. Cat unleashes a kata display and covers, getting another 2. Disco stands and gets slammed for his efforts. Cat misses an elbow and Disco regains control with a bite to the arm. Whip to the rope, elbow to the chops, scoop slam, elbow from the second rope! 1, 2, and the Cat escapes. Whip to the ropes, Cat reverses, Disco ends up with a Side Russian Leg Sweep. Pin attempt gets him two. Whip to the ropes, Miller reverses and hits another superkick! 1, 2, Disco's out. Stunner attempt from Disco and Cat hits ANOTHER superkick, but only manages a 2 count. Whip to the ropes, Miller ducks his head and gets caught. Disco hammers him to a corner, where Miller goes to the eyes. Sonny's up to distract the referee as the Cat puts on his magical slipper. Disco stomps the Cat's other foot and takes the shoe, cracking the Cat upside the head! Disco crotch chops and covers. The ref's tied up with Sonny but sees the pin! 1, 2, the Cat kicks out! Disco protests to the ref as the Cat slips on his shoe. Sonny gets nailed by Disco, but Cat scores with a kick to the head! Disco's down and Cat covers. 1, 2, 3! We have a winner! The Cat does his James Brown routine as Heenan speculates that Miller's red shoes are loaded. Replays show us the controversial kick.

Your Winner: Ernest "The Cat" Miller (match time: 8:05)

MARK MADDEN is at the internet location with Mills Lane. Mills makes two points. 1) He wants 'em to get it on, and 2) he's not taking any crap. He re-enforces these points about 5 times during the brief segment. I wonder if Chris Jericho is helping with the internet coverage this time. Probably not.

Up next, the TV title bout!

Video clips show us Van Hammer's rise to glory.

"DOGFACE" RICK STEINER vs. HEAVY METAL VAN HAMMER for the Television Title - As Steiner enters we pan a hut at the entrance marked "Mean Gene's Bait Shop". Would that be Live Bait? Nyuk Nyuk. The bleach in Steiner's beard has faded, making it look as if he's spilled something in it. Apparently if we don't like Rick, we can bite him. I'll pass, thanks. Tony calls Van Hammer one of the hottest young stars in our sport. Yeah, who needs Jericho when you've got Van Hammer! What's Tony's been sniffing? They lock up, Steiner forces Hammer to a corner and punches him over the ref's back. Whip to the ropes, Hammer ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. A boot knocks Steiner out to the floor. Hammer's all over Rick as he comes back inside, hitting a big suplex and getting a 1 count. Steiner comes back with hammering blows, then mauls Hammer's face. Hammer gets thrown outside and Rick runs him into the railing. Steiner pulls up the protective mats! DDT on the floor! Steiner makes a COVER on the outside. He's hardcore! He's hardcore! Well, it's that or he's a moron. Take your pick. The ref explains the rules and is shoved to the floor for his efforts. Van Hammer eats the steps, but gets in a low blow and throws Rick back inside. Whip to the corner and Hammer runs in with a clothesline. Steiner comes back and knocks Hammer down, getting a 2 count. Steiner mounts Hammer and unleashes a few crossface blows. Hammer is thrown to the outside again, but grabs a chair and pastes Steiner as he exits the ring. Steiner is rolled back in and Hammer hits a top rope clothesline! 1, 2, Steiner's out. Scoop slam but Steiner BITES Hammer's stomach. Steiner hits the ropes and kicks Hammer low in clear view of the referee. Steinerline knocks Hammer down and Rick ascends to the top. Top Rope Bulldog! 1, 2, 3! Replays show the finish as Steiner mumbles about sticking something up our butts.

Your winner and still TV Champion: Rick Steiner (match time: 4:53)

Mike Tenay is still in the junkyard, where it's suddenly become nighttime. Tenay can't give us a roster for the hardcore match, although WCW.COM has already provided one. Referee Scott Dickinson is holding some sort of trophy or belt "Hardcore Champion" written on it. The junkyard match is UNSANCTIONED!

Up next, our United States title bout!

Video clips show us David Flair's shocking and memorable title victory.

DAVID FLAIR (with Daddy Dearest, Double A, Lil' Naitch, and Asya) vs. DEAN MALENKO (with a look of determination) for the United States Heavyweight Championship - Malenko enters without incident. "Thus Spake Zarathustra" fires up and gets NO crowd response whatsoever. Why, that's TORRIE WILSON on David's arm! Tony speculates that her 72 hours with Nash are up, though Nash never really WON that match. And that doesn't explain why Torrie was still with Nash the following week. But Torrie's showing too much cleavage for me to complain about it. Dave gets some last minute coaching from Dad. Lockup and Dean throws David to the mat. Another lockup, Malenko takes David down again. David manages a go-behind but gets thrown back down for his efforts. This is your US title match, folks! Dave shoves Dean and Malenko charges, knocking Dave into a corner and stomping a mud hole in him. Whip to the other corner and a clothesline, vertical suplex, and Malenko goes for the Cloverleaf! Flair's in and he eats a right hand. Dean goes back to the Cloverleaf and Double A is in, attacking the REF. Charles Robinson strips the striped shirt from Johnny Boone as Malenko knocks Arn flat. Asya slides in, gets a kick to the gut, a scoop slam, and now SHE'S in the Cloverleaf! Flair's back in and he cracks Dean from behind with the US title belt. Flair pulls David on top of Dean and Robinson makes the count. 1, 2, 3. Blech. Torrie enters to help Dave celebrate and then pauses as she leaves the ring, providing a nice butt shot as I speculate that she's got this valet thing down. Arn and Flair stomp Malenko in the aisle as Heenan calls for the camera to return to Torrie. I'm with you, Bobby. Replays show the match as the giant clusterfuck it was.

Your winner and still United States champion: David Flair (match time: 3:05)

Up next, it's Rap vs. Country! Feel the excitement!

Video clips show us the great history of this feud. MASTER PEE is shown. "Hootie Hoo" is said. We're also treated to the "Rap Is Crap" video. Is it just me or does it seem like Curt Hennig is lip-synching while Brad Armstrong is singing? Okay, it doesn't seem like that, but that would be an interesting swerve, no?

DOUBLE J CURT HENNIG, BOBBY DUNCUM JR., & THE FABULOUS WINDHAM BROTHERS (with the pride of Texas) vs. KONNAN, HOOTIE HOO MYSTERIO, BAD ASS BRAD ARMSTRONG, & SWILL (with Chase and One Massive Sumbitch) in an elimination tag match - Elimination rules are Survivor Series rules for the uneducated or those of us who just don't care. We cut back to the arena to hear David Penzer preparing the crowd to count down before realizing he's on camera. A guy in the crowd holds a sign asking for Big Sexy's sloppy seconds. That's just nasty. Tony tells us that the Massive Sumbitch with the rappers is known as "4x4". Konnan does his usual spiel on the microphone, followed by Rey asking for the call of the soldiers. Man, I like Rey less and less now that he's "hard". My money is on Armstrong being the first to be eliminated. Rey and Barry Windham start off. Lockup and Barry forces Rey into a corner, where he pounds away on him. Whip to the ropes, Rey slides under and gets in a few shots. Rey with a springboard moonsault, Barry catches him and runs him to a corner, Rey slips off his shoulder and Barry goes into the buckle. Whip to the corner and Barry goes down. Rey with a splitlegged moonsault for 2! Windham tags out to Hennig. Hennig with a chop and a whip to the ropes. Rey hops to the outside and drives a shoulder to Curt's gut, then tags BA from the outside. Whip to the ropes, Hennig cartwheels away but eats a punch anyway. As the commentators say "BA", I think of Billy Gunn. Heenan even speculates that "BA" may not stand for Brad Armstrong. Hennig takes a few more shots, whip to the ropes, BA lands a dropkick. Hiptoss, slam, and Hennig tags out to Duncum. Lockup, they trade armbars, BA whips him to the ropes and hits a punch to the gut. Tag into Swoll. Whip to the ropes and Duncum takes a big clothesline. Another whip and Swoll gets a boot to the face. Whip to the corner and Duncum charges with a clothesline. Repeated elbowdrops and a cover. 1, 2, Swoll escapes. Tag to Kendall, who takes a big clothesline. Kendall hits a low blow and a clothesline of his own. Whip to a corner, Kendall misses a splash and Swoll tags in Rey. Rey's thrown to the ropes and he catches a big boot. Whip to a corner, Kendall catches a boot to the head and Rey goes after the knee. Rey springboards off the top rope but Kendall catches him. The two tip over the top rope, knocking Duncum off the apron in the process. Rey teases a dive to the outside but tags in Konnan instead. Hennig's in without a tag. Lockup, whip to the ropes, Konnan ducks down, Hennig bounces back, Konnan attempts a float over but simply runs in a circle behind Hennig before driving Curt's face into the mat. Rey springboards off the top with a vertical splash onto Hennig, despite not being tagged. Duncum comes in and gets knocked against a corner. Konnan monkeyflips Rey into Hennig, then Rey delivers a Bronco Buster to Duncum, which makes me think of X-Pac as Rey will never have that known as "his" move. Konnan pounds Hennig in the opposite corner. Rey tags Swoll and apparently Duncum is now legal, despite not being tagged by another guy who wasn't tagged. Swoll with a big slam. Whip to the ropes, Duncum ducks a clothesline and misses with a flying tackle. Swoll clears out the country corner and covers Duncum for a 2. Rey with a springboard legdrop, again without a tag, and Swoll covers. 1, 2, 3! But he wasn't legal! Ahh, screw it. Duncum is eliminated (6:25).

Hennig comes in as something breaks loose on the outside. Konnan is tagged in as we see Chase and 4x4 beating on Duncum in the aisle. The lesson here is that the good guys CHEAT, kids! Hennig runs out to aid his partner, but is chased back inside. Windham and Konnan are now in. Konnan gets dropped across the top rope. Suplex and Barry covers for a 2. Windham with a tag to Hennig and they both shoot Konnan to the ropes for a double clothesline. Hennig with a chop to the chest. Whip to the ropes, Hennig eats a boot and BA is tagged in. Brad nails the country corner and steals another page from his brother, hitting rapid lefts and then a big right. A kneelift stuns Hennig. BA hits the ropes and Hennig hits a forearm to the face. Whip to the ropes, Windham looks to just miss BA with a blow from outside, and BA stumbles into Hennig. Curt rakes his face and hits a Hennig Plex for the 3. BA is eliminated (9:07). He was the second to go, I was close.

Rey comes in, gets knocked into his corner and tags Swoll, but Konnan enters and nails Hennig. Curt tags Kendall, who snapmares Konnan down. A knee and legdrop get Kendall a 2 count. Whip to the ropes and Konnan takes a running clothesline. Scoop slam, Kendall goes to the second rope, misses a knee drop. Konnan with his somersault clothesline. Whip to the ropes, leapfrog by Konnan, a blind kick doubles over Kendall and Konnan with a jumping face slam as I again think of X-Pac. Konnan covers but Barry breaks it up. Rey enters illegally yet again with a springboard dropkick, that knocks Kendall into something resembling a small package from Konnan. 1, 2, 3! Kendall is history (10:52).

Barry comes in and levels Konnan. Belly to back suplex, cover, Konnan's out at 2. DDT onto Konnan for a 2 count as, again, Chase and 4x4 are assaulting the eliminated country member in the aisle. Windham throws Konnan outside and Hennig works him over. Konnan is thrown back in, whip to the ropes, Barry puts on a sleeper. Konnan counters with a jawbreaker. Whip to the ropes, Konnan takes a clothesline and covers for a 2 count. Konnan comes back with his somersault clothesline, then clotheslines Barry over the top and both are outside. Chase attacks Barry on the outside for no reason , then carries him up the aisle. Konnan follows them for some reason known only to him. Nick Patrick announces Barry and Konnan have been counted out (we'll say 13:05).

Hennig is in against Swoll. Swoll hits a few big punches, Barry Windham comes back in, but Chase runs him out. Hennig tries to leave but is stopped by 4x4. Good lord, that guy's arms are huge! Swoll pulls Curt back inside. Whip to the ropes, punch to the chest. Swoll tags Rey, who climbs to Swoll's shoulders. Swoll walks out to mid-ring and Rey falls forward with a splash onto Hennig. 1, 2, 3. Hennig is eliminated and this match is over.

Your Winners: Rey Mysterio Jr. and Swoll (match time: 15:00)

We go back to the announcers, who kill some time hyping the remainder of the card. It'd better be loaded with 5 star matches to make up for what we've seen so far. Tony and Bobby display the wit and chemistry that has made them the third best PPV broadcast team in wrestling, just behind Ross/Lawler and Styles/nobody. Our Invitational Hardcore match is next! It's UNSANCTIONED!

Hak's challenge from Nitro is shown.

A WHOLE MESS OF HARDCORE GUYS in the first ever UNSANCTIONED Invitational Hardcore Match - since they haven't given us a roster, I'll name the participants as I see 'em. Scott Dickinson sounds an air horn, which apparently is the hardcore version of a bell. An aerial shot shows the junkyard as several figures move towards one another. BRIAN KNOBBS gets pelted with something. LA PARKA, dressed in flannel, is on top of a car. JERRY FLYNN is wielding a bumper. A car is pushed off of a stack of tires, missing everyone. Is the Big Show there? No, it's PUBLIC ENEMY! Tony is shocked at their appearance, despite the fact they were included on the WCW.COM roster. Jimmy Hart directs traffic in a bright yellow shirt and a helmet. Someone gets thrown into a pile of tires. A barrel of fire burns in the middle. Jerry Flynn uses an electrical wire to "shock" someone, as some pyro shoots up from a car. Good lord. SLIVER KING throws Knobbs onto a car, then misses a follow-up splash. STEVEN REGAL is there, but not in flannel. La Parka is a REAL man's man! FIT FINLEY works over someone with a bumper. DAVE TAYLOR smashes HUGH MORRIS with a trash can lid. HORACE is getting beat on. Tony and I both wonder where HAK is. Hey, there he is! Tony spies Hak by his "trademark left hands". Sure, Tony. There's MIKEY WHIPWRECK! Hak has just been hit low, apparently. Where's Chastity? Somebody has a chair. Someone is slammed on top of a van. If you really want play-by-play here, rent the tape. Why is no one trying to WIN? Hugh Morris elbowdrops the hood of a car, then gets hit with something. Hart apparently continues telling his guys to NOT win. Regal hammers some poor idiot. Knobbs nails La Parka, then gets pelted by Finley. La Parka uses a tail pipe to get revenge on Knobbs. The shaky aerial shots make me sick to my stomach. Hugh Morris finally connects with an elbow off of a car. Someone dives off a stack of cars and takes out 5 people. I'm guessing Mikey, but the person is never shown. CICLOPE is there! "What would a match in a junkyard be without a guy with a mask on?" asks Tony. Good question. La Parka throws some objects at various people. Silver King gets thrown onto a windshield and right away checks himself for a cut. Horace is after someone. Taylor beats on Johnny Grunge. Hugh Morris tries to splash Mikey but again eats the hood of a car. I'm wondering where Hak was on Thunder during the hardcore tease. Not that I was watching Thunder or anything. Knobbs uses a tire to beat on Dave Taylor. Finley has the hood of a car. Rocco Rock and Horace FINALLY make it to the exit fence. Rocco climbs up but Horace stops him. Silver King IS cut on the arm or the side. I'd get that looked at. Finley drives some sort of metal object into Hak's gut. An aerial shot shows a wall of fire somewhere nearby. Hak opens the trunk of a car and stuffs Finley inside it. Hak closes the trunk and waves to someone, but the trunk opens. A FORKLIFT appears and grabs the car. The trunk opens again and Finley is out before the forklift even moves, but it takes the car to the car crusher and smashes it anyway. Someone tried to KILL Fit Finley! WHO DROVE THE FORKLIFT?! What? Not important? Okay. Finley climbs the fence as a car EXPLODES. Finley touches the ground and is the winner. You know, WCW's hardcore division was over before this. But with this one match they may have made a coffin, put the division inside it, and nailed it shut.

Your winner: Fit Finley (match time: 13:49)

Video clips chronicle the history of the participants in the tag title match. Hey, there's DDP in a SCOOPS shirt! Who will be first to wear a [slash] wrestling shirt?

THE JERSEY TRIAD vs. CHRIS BENOIT & PERRY SATURN for the World Tag Team Championship - if any match on the card can save things after that hardcore debacle, this will be the match. We learn it will be Diamond Dallas Page and Bam Bam Bigelow on behalf of the Triad as the group enters. Kanyon asks his question. DDP does his "love me, hate me, forget me" speech. Or is that "never forget me"? Who cares? DDP proclaims the Triad the greatest trifecta ever. He has obviously forgotten about the Kevin Sullivan, Brutus Beefcake, John Tenta combo that ran rampant on WCW a few years ago. "Bada-bing!" "Bada-boom!" "Bada-BANG!" Lord, help us. Tony talks about the knee injury Saturn suffered when he was "wrestling elsewhere". DDP and Saturn start off trading punches. DDP drives Saturn to a corner and works him over. Saturn reverses and unloads some punches of his own. Whip to the ropes, Saturn catches a boot and kicks DDP in the head, knocking him outside. Saturn nails Kanyon and Bam Bam, who are BOTH on the apron. Saturn tags Benoit. DDP tags Bam Bam, then drops to the apron as KANYON remains in the corner. So all three Triad members can wrestle this match? And that's legal because...? Bam Bam drives Benoit to a corner and beats on him. Whip to the corner, Bam Bam eats a boot. Whip to the corner, Benoit clotheslines him and dropkicks him outside. Bam Bam climbs back inside and tags in Kanyon. Benoit tags Saturn. The announcers fail to mention that ALL THREE Triad members are wrestling this match. Saturn works over Kanyon in a corner. Whip to the corner, Saturn takes a boot and gets his face raked. Whip to the ropes, hiptoss attempt fails. Kanyon with some kneedrops to Saturn's back. Whip to the rope, Saturn ducks a clothesline, Kanyon with a leapfrog. Saturn tries a German suplex but Kanyon grabs the referee to block it. Benoit hits a chop to Kanyon's chest and Saturn hits a T-Bone suplex. Tag to Benoit. Double headbutt on Kanyon. Whip to the ropes, Benoit clotheslines him. Snap suplex and a Lion Tamer from Benoit, which is NOT called so by the announcers. Benoit turns it into a slingshot and Kanyon flies into Saturn and gets nailed. Benoit chops away on Kanyon in a corner. Tag to Saturn. Double whip to the ropes, double clothesline, double snot blow! I didn't need to see that. Benoit and Saturn rush the Triad then again floor Kanyon. Saturn gets a 2 count from a pin attempt. Saturn throws Kanyon by his hair. Kanyon looks for a tag from Benoit and gets kicked in the head. Benoit gets tagged in. Backbreaker and a cover. 1, 2, Kanyon kicks out. Whip to a corner and Benoit snaps Kanyon down. DDP is now on the apron for the Triad. Benoit works over Kanyon's leg. Tag to Saturn and they make a wishbone out of Kanyon. Saturn dropkicks Kanyon in the face as he sits up. Scoop slam and Saturn takes his time going to the top rope. Legdrop connects! 1, 2, and DDP breaks it up. Saturn shoots DDP to the ropes, reversal, Kanyon trips Saturn and pulls him outside. Bam Bam tries a cheap shot, Saturn nails him, but DDP connects with a punch from the apron. Bam Bam works over Saturn and this match is LEGALLY a 3-on-2 affair. Kanyon tags Bam Bam. Delayed vertical suplex on Saturn, then a headbutt to the back. Benoit breaks up a pin attempt. DDP chokes Saturn on the ropes as the ref argues with Benoit. Tag to Kanyon. Legdrop to the stomach. The crowd isn't paying attention at all. A round of boos not pertaining to the match rings out as Kanyon gets a 2 count on Saturn. Beach balls are seen floating around in the crowd. More loud boos as the fans rise up and look to our right. They're not watching the match, so why should I? The fans are still watching the crowd. More boos ring out. A flasher being ejected, perhaps? A fight? A loud "asshole" chant comes from the fans, and I start to wonder if Vince McMahon has gotten tickets. But if Rena Mero can get front row seats, surely Vince can. Kanyon gets suplexed off the top rope by Saturn. Benoit is tagged in and he cleans house on DDP and Bam Bam. Is that a "Rocky" chant from the fans? DDP with a top rope clothesline. Page climbs the top rope to celebrate and then seemingly fakes a fall to the floor. He either planned that or saved himself at the last second. He struts around with the Pee Wee Herman "I meant to do that" glow afterwards. Bam Bam covers Benoit and gets a 2. DDP is tagged in. An elbowdrop on Benoit looked low. DDP knocks Saturn off the apron. Kanyon chokes Benoit behind the ref's back. Saturn tries getting the fans back into things. DDP hits an elbow and covers, only getting 2. Tag to Kanyon, who hits a sunset flip on the way in for 2. Kanyon forces Benoit to a corner and chops him across the chest before yelling "What's good for the goose!" into the camera. Kanyon believes himself to be Gorilla Monsoon now, I guess. Whip to the opposite corner and Benoit runs into the buckle. Another "asshole" chant from the fans as Benoit gets powerbombed. Saturn breaks up a pin attempt. DDP calls Bam Bam up and he gets a tag from Kanyon. Bam Bam headbutts Benoit repeatedly. More reaction from the fans that is unrelated to the match. Boos as Benoit kicks out of a pin attempt. Tag to Kanyon. Double ax handle from the second rope. "You Suck" chant comes from the fans. Benoit gets caught in a neckbreaker, but kicks out of a pin attempt at 2. Cheering from the fans as Kanyon tags DDP. Page probably thinks it's for him. Saturn breaks up another pin attempt and the fans boo, starting a duel "asshole" and "you suck" chant that's obviously not towards Saturn. Benoit makes a tag during an asshole chant, but the ref misses it. Page hits a powerbomb and gets a 2 count. Kanyon is tagged in. Slam on Benoit. Kanyon to the second rope. Legdrop connects! He covers and Benoit kicks out. Saturn and the referee have words. Kanyon tags to Bam Bam, who gets a belly to back. More booing from the fans as they look to our right. Now I'm more interested in what's going on than this match. Bam Bam to the top rope. Moonsault! Benoit rolls aside! Tag to Saturn! DDP runs in but he can't stop Saturn. Belly to Belly! Superkick for Kanyon! Benoit comes in as Saturn clotheslines Kanyon and DDP over the top. Saturn whips Benoit into Bam Bam, who catches Benoit for a slam. Saturn dropkicks Benoit's back and Bam Bam is squashed. Saturn and Benoit ascend to opposite corners. Saturn dives off.. big splash! Benoit leaps... swandive! DDP leaps off and axhandles Benoit! DDP tries a Diamond Cutter on Saturn, who blocks and hits a Northern Lights Suplex. DDP's out at 2. Kanyon's got a handful of powder. The ref is knocked down as Saturn lifts up Page for a Death Valley Driver. Kanyon throws the powder and gets both Saturn AND Page. A blinded DDP Diamond Cuts Kanyon! Benoit covers! 1, 2, Bam Bam gets Kanyon's foot on the ropes! Saturn superkicks DDP into a Benoit German suplex! 1, 2, Page kicks out! DDP gets outside and slides a metal trash can into the ring. The referee gets knocked down. Page nails Benoit with the can, then hits Kanyon by accident. Bam Bam lifts Saturn and drops him into a Diamond Cutter from Page. The ref comes around as DDP covers. 1, 2, 3. This is NOT the ending the crowd wanted to see. Or that I wanted to see, for that matter. Replays show the finish. The commentators never ONCE mentioned the entire Triad's involvement.

Your Winners and still tag team Champions: The Jersey Triad (match time: 23:17)

Up next, it's our boxing match! Because this is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and... ahh, it's not worth it.

Mills Lane's comments from Nitro are shown.

THE ICON RPVP (with Ric Flair) vs. BUFF BAGWELL (with the stuff) in a boxing match - MICHAEL BUFFER apparently thinks this is a legit boxing match, as he's come out for the intros. Actually, this won't be any more worked than a Don King fight, so I've got nothing to bitch about. Buffer introduces the special referee, AMERICA'S JUDGE MILLS LANE, who walks out in his judge's robe. Buffer says Lane hosts the hottest courtroom TV show ever. Eh, I say Wapner could take Mills, who has removed his robe to reveal a ref's shirt. Piper repeatedly punches the camera during his entrance. Buff wears a boxing robe with his image airbrushed on it. His gloves are numbered "1" and "2". How cute. Buff removes a glove and takes the microphone. "You know, for the last three weeks, Roddy and Flair... it's no big secret, you guys come out and you double-team, you triple-team... you do whatever you can. Well, I suspected you'd be in the corner tonight... so I got my OWN corner man. Or let's just say... corner PERSON. Let's bring her own down. Judge Judy Bagwell!" Just when I thought this match had reached it's FULL suck potential they pull THIS? Ah yes, because if anyone can offset Ric Flair, it's JUDY BAGWELL! Buff's mommy trips on her way down, but enters the ring as Flair tells Buff no one will blame him if he leaves. Buff tells Flair to check out the tape where he took a Blockbuster. Oh, good one, Buff! Lane runs down the instructions... "LESGITITON!" Round 1 starts and Piper's legs already look rubbery. I'm not calling this. They trade punches as I imagine that if Bagwell wanted to, he could drop Piper harder than Butterbean dropped Bart Gunn. Bagwell forces Piper into a corner and punches him while Lane stands there and watches. Isn't that illegal? Buff takes a tap to the chin and goes down. THIS is how to make him a star! Piper continues to look like one good punch will knock him out. The crowd stays awake by chanting "Ric Flair Sucks!" Round 1 ends and Piper headbutts Buff after the bell. Flair pulls out a bottle and sprays Piper's gloves with something. Tony and Bobby speculate as to what it might be. Round 2 starts and whatever Piper has on his gloves is blinding Bagwell. Lane goes to check Piper, who puts his hands behind his back so Flair can wipe the gloves clean. Bagwell goes to one knee and Piper continues pounding him. A kidney punch >from Piper goes uncalled by Lane. Some ref! Buff takes a punch and goes down again. Buff throws Piper into a corner with a waistlock and punches him down to the mat. Boy, Mills doesn't referee for a while and he completely forgets the rules. Round 2 is gone. Lane checks with Buff, who's eyes hurt, and then with Piper as Flair wipes off his gloves. "So does your mother!" says Flair to a fan as he exits the ring. I can't help but notice Flair not making any sexual references to BUFF'S mother. Can't blame you, Ric. Piper attacks Buff before the bell and Mrs. Bagwell enters and BITES PIPER'S EAR. Is this really happening? She grabs a bucket from Buff's corner, dumps it on Piper's head, and Buff punches him. Buff nails Flair and hits a Blockbuster onto Piper. Judy Bagwell holds back Flair as Lane counts to three, not slapping the mat, as Buff pins Piper. HUH? This is surreal. Piper raises his hands in celebration. I'd be hiding my head in embarrassment.

Winner by pinfall (in a boxing match): Buff Bagwell (match time: 0:35 into Round 3)

Up next, it's the main event!

A video package shows ample amounts of Gorgeous George's cleavage, Madusa's massive rack, shots of George's ass... oh, and some of the events that led up to the main event. I can't help but notice that the whole "Who drove the Hummer?" angle has not been brought up ONCE tonight.

THE MAIN EVENT: KEVIN NASH (without common sense) & STING (without trench coat or ceiling entrance) vs. RANDY SAVAGE & SID (with their savagely sexy trio) for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - remember, Sting can PIN his tag team partner in this one. Michael Buffer announces Savage and Sid as "two men who care little about world title belts". I'd question that but I don't care at this point. Madusa isn't showing any cleavage tonight, so she must be taking a bump at some point. George, though, is making up for it with her outfit. Tony has been doing this long enough to tell us that it's REALLY Sting in the ring... like I said, I don't care anymore. Sting and Nash have words upon Nash's entrance. Madusa appears to have red, white, and blue highlights in her hair. That seems to be more fitting for the Great American Bash than it does now, but who cares? Sting is holding his fist to his mouth for some reason. Savage brings George to center ring and yells at Sting. George pulls off her sunglasses. Well, no obvious bruises or black eyes, that's a good sign. Macho gives her the Chin Squeeze of Doom and tells her to know her role and stay in the corner. Sting and Savage start off. Macho wants a handshake. George has walked over to NASH'S corner. And she *DOES* have a black eye, though it looks suspiciously fake. Savage climbs outside and walks over to George, but Sting attacks him from behind. Savage goes into the railing! Sting throws him inside and pounds on him. Sting with an inverted atomic drop and Savage tags in Sid. Sting howls and the crowd is so dead they barely respond. Sid hammers Sting to the mat. Whip to the ropes, Sting ducks a clothesline, high cross body! Sting rams Sid's head into the mat and then clotheslines him over the top. Sid comes back in and knocks Sting into a corner. Whip to the opposite Sid, Sid runs in and misses a splash. Sting whips to the opposite corner, Sid reverses, they hit a double clothesline but it's Sting who goes down. Tag to Savage. Madusa and Miss Madness slap at Sting as Savage ties up the ref. Tag to Sid. Sting is knocked flat and Sid hooks on a surfboard. A technical move from Sid? He turns it into a Steiner Recliner, which Nash breaks up. George cheers Nash on. Savage and Sid switch without a tag. Macho spits at Nash and continues beating on Sting. Sid chokes Sting behind the ref's back. Sting comes back with a flurry of punches and kicks. He nails Sid on the apron, dropkick on Savage, tag to Nash! Nash floors Savage. Sid is in! Nash with a side suplex! Savage is hammered in a corner. Whip to the other side, Nash crushes him with a clothesline, then the extended boot to the face. Nash with a crotch chop to Sid, then Savage, then a tag to Sting. Sting and Savage go to the outside, where Macho is rammed into the guardrail. Sting does it again and then tries a Stinger Splash, which misses. Has that EVER worked? Sid lifts Sting up and drops him across the railing. Madusa and Miss Madness shove Sting into the ringpost. Savage pulls Sting back inside. Miss Madness chokes Sting as the ref is tied up with Nash and Savage. Sid and Savage switch again. Sid with a slam on Sting, then a rear chinlock. Sting takes the dreaded arm drops and recovers at 2, fighting back to his feet. Sting hits a shoulderblock that knocks Sid down, and Sting then falls forward and headbutts Sid low. Tag to Nash! Big boot for Savage! Another side suplex for Sid! Another big boot for Savage! Nash sets Sid for the Jackknife but Macho breaks it up. Sting is in. Madusa and Miss Madness are in! Sting knocks their heads together! Stinger Splash on Sid! Stinger Splash on Madusa! Stinger Splash on Miss Madness! Let's beat up ALL the women! Sting goes for a fourth Stinger Splash but hits Nash instead of Savage. Sid catches Sting with a chokeslam! Sting is knocked outside, as is Sid. George climbs onto the apron. She's not gonna turn on Nash, is she? Nash sets Savage for the Jackknife. George punches Nash low from behind, but he doesn't feel it. George does it again and Nash drops from the brutal low blow. George escapes as Sid comes back in and slams Nash down. Flying elbow from the top by Savage! 1, 2, 3! We have a new world champion! Savage and George hug as Savage celebrates. Tony is SHOCKED by George's turn on Nash. Macho lifts George on his shoulder and she holds the title belt. I suddenly miss Elizabeth. The 40 people that ordered this can get a free Bash at the Beach cooler if they send in their cable bill! And all it costs is sitting through this crap! Is it worth it? YOU decide! We'll see you tomorrow night on Nitro!

So who drove the fucking hummer? Weren't we supposed to find out?

Your winner and new WCW World champion: Macho Man Randy Savage (match time: 13:21)


I'd been hoping to get a regular spot recapping PPV's here on [slash] wrestling, but if that's what WCW is going to offer, I don't think it'll be worth it. That has to be one of the WORST pay-per-views in recent memory. I was more entertained by the In Your House where the power went out for over half the card. The hardcore and boxing matches were jokes, no angles were furthered in the country vs. rap feud, and the angle we expected to end here was never mentioned! To say this PPV sucked would be unfair to the many other WCW PPV's that have been subpar. There was not ONE good thing about this show, other than the fact that it finally ended.

But there you have it, I suppose. I'd like to hear your comments, be it positive or negative, on my performance. And if you really liked it, maybe you can drop CRZ a line and ask that I be asked back in the future. See you next month at Road Wild! And who knows, maybe I'll be back again!

Chris Jones
Regular website on hiatus

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