My name is Chris Jones and I'll be your conductor for this little ride. So join me as we travel full speed ahead towards our destination: excitement! All aboard!

Whoa, sorry about that. Let me try again. My name is Chris Jones and this is YOUR Fall Brawl recap! I have to apologize for the remark above, but my birthday is fast approaching and I'm nearing a world record for the most lame cards received for one single event. I think they're soaking into my brain. It's next Thursday, the 28th, if you're in a shopping mood... although cash is happily accepted.

And just to show you the kind of company I'm in, take a look at these other luminaries who share my birth date: one-time sex-pot Brigitte Bardot, the wacky Janeane Garofalo, the lovely Mira Sorvino, and the award-winning Gwyneth Paltrow. Not to mention a certain gentleman, whom you may know, by the name of Steve Blackman. Unfortunately, it's also shared by my father and my brother-in-law, which tends to reduce the amount of money people can spend on ME. But I'm slowly coming to terms with it.

As for presents, I wear a size... wait, what's that? You came here to read about WCW and not about me?! Well, okay. But YOU asked for it.

Onward we go! Let's see what Fall Brawl has to offer us this time around.

WCW logo - we're right around IT'S birthday, aren't we?

The opening video package features... WCW action figures wrestling each other?! WHAT?

We fade into the arena where we are LIVE from the HSBC Arena in Buffalo, New York! Pyro explodes! Fans clap! And... we're underway!

NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME ELIX SKIPPER (with Major Gunns) PROOF OF RUSSO'S ENDLESS CREATIVITY (with Paisley) for the WCW Cruiserweight championship- Kiwi, which is how I'll spell it as I'm not gay, walks out and looks... well, gay. The champ makes his entrance with Major Gunns, who looks cuter than normal. If she's changed something, I can't put my finger on what's different. Her hair, maybe? Who looking there anyway? Elix takes off his gear and the bell sounds! They trade punches to start. Kiwi with a scoop up... and he drops Elix face first! A dropkick takes Elix outside, but Elix runs right back in and goes to work on the arm. Kiwi takes Elix down and hits a cover for 2. Armbar by Kiwi. Elix tries to counter with a hiptoss but Kiwi keeps his hold applied. Elix reverses into a go-behind, Kiwi reverses THAT and they end up in the ropes. Elix trips Kiwi down and ends up with the armbar again. Elix fights out and hits the ropes. Kiwi tries a leapfrog and slightly lands on Elix on the way down. Back to the armbar. Elix shoots Kiwi into the corner and hits a FLYING FOREARM to the back of the head! Is Elix Skipper really a Canadian? He works over Kiwi regardless. Major Gunns has a major wedgie from her little shorts. Why, I think I've come across a new name for her! Kiwi tries a backdrop to the floor, but Elix lands on the apron. He tries a MEROSAULT off the ropes and lands on his feet! DRAGON SUPLEX! 1, 2, kickout! Elix covers again. 1, 2, kickout! Another cover gets the same result. Elix puts the boots to Kiwi. A back suplex puts Kiwi down right near the corner. Elix hits a jumping legdrop for 2, then applies a reverse chinlock. Kiwi fights his way up... Elix takes him back down by the hair. Major Gunns watches on. Judging by that wedgie she's probably got serious camel toe action happening in those shorts, but the camera won't give us a good look. Kiwi fights back up again... Elix breaks and unloads a shot to the back of the head. Kiwi ducks a clothesline and hits a high cross body! Elix catches him and falls back into the ropes... he teeters and then dumps Kiwi to the floor. I think Elix fell out himself, but they didn't show us. Kiwi climbs onto the apron and Elix trips him so that his head hits the apron. Now Elix is on the apron. TOP ROPE ASAI MOONSAULT HITS... and takes out the CAMERA! YES! Both men are down. Elix gets back into the ring just before the 10 count. Kiwi slides in himself and Elix covers. 1, 2, Kiwi's in the ropes. Elix tries a Rocker Dropper and Kiwi turns it into a powerbomb! Some boos ring out... here's the JOB SQUAD filing out from the entrance. Kiwi hits a big kneelift. THESZ PRESS! A big dropkick takes Elix down. 1, 2, kickout! The Natural Born Thrillers continue to watch. Kiwi with a BIG backdrop! 1, 2, kickout! Kiwi pulls Elix up and tosses him to the floor. The announcers say Elix hit his knee on the guardrail, but I didn't see it. Kiwi drops Elix on the railing and rolls back in. The ref is on the floor arguing with Paisley... and here's MIKE SANDERS with a stickball shot on Kiwi. It looked like he hit him in the ass, but Kiwi sells his knee. Elix goes up top... high cross body! Kiwi rolls through! 1, 2, kickout! Elix goes after the knee. A corner charge sees Elix eat a boot. Kiwi tries a running clothesline and Elix ducks with a bridge! There's a chopblock on Kiwi. Elix goes for the Rocker Dropper. It hits! 1, 2, 3! I stand corrected, it's actually more of a spinning Rocker Dropper of sorts. The announcers call it the "Overdrive", despite that name not sounding very Canadian.

That was a good match! Why the hell did they have to fuck it up with a pointless run-in? Wait, I forgot, this is WCW.

Your winner and still WCW Cruiserweight champion: Elix Skipper (match time: 11:04)

We go right to CURLY, LARRY, & CHUBBY so Tony can hype some of the remaining matches. Madden's stomach growls. No, wait, that's just him talking.

Here comes 3 COUNT down to the ring, green circles and all. Shannon: "Hey... you know why 3 Count's in the house? Just for all the ladies out there!" Evan: "I want to thank all the ladies who slept outside waitin' on tickets last night. Hudson: "The homeless women?" Evan: "But before we break it down, I got one thing to say. The 3 Count... we can't be beat, we won't be beat, we said it, we meant it, and by God, we're here to represent it!" Shane: "And like we always say, everybody goes down for 3 Count!" They proceed to bust out a new tune. No, that's the old one, never mind. Okay, where's Tank? Sid? ANYBODY? They're STILL going.

THEY'RE STILL GOING.

Finally, they're done. Evan: "Thank you! I know you people love us so much and we're gonna make SURE you get your money's worth! So hit our music one more time!" Wait, that's not the 3 Count music! IT'S THE MUSIC OF OTHER WRESTLERS! THAT NEVER HAPPENS! The music in question this time is of the MIA. Is this a match? Okay.

3 COUNT vs. MIA in a 6-man tag - We've got Chavo, Lash, and the Wall representin' the MIA tonight. Wall's got a table. Chavo's got a supersoaker. We're ready to go! Chavo fires up a "USA" chant. Um... why? He and Shannon start us off by exchanging some quick moves. Chavo hits an overhead slam and tags in Lash, who gets caught in a moonsault. Evan gets the tag. Lash gets caught by a kick from Shane on the apron and Evan floors him. Now Shane's in. A big elbow drop misses... tag to Wall. Shane avoids some contact but gets caught in a gorilla press into a spinebuster! 3 Count breaks up a cover attempt and Wall floors them all. Tag to Lash. Shane takes a slam and Lash is tripped up by Shannon on the floor. Shannon comes in without a tag and he and Shane do some double teaming. A cover gets Shane two. Shannon gets the tag and works over Lash. A corner charge connects. Rocker Dropper! 1, 2, Chavo breaks things up. Tag to Evan, who goes up top. Shannon holds Lash in a suplex and Evan nails a cross body! Chavo breaks up a pin and Lash gets triple teamed in the 3 Count corner. Lash rushes Evan and gets caught in a powerslam. Evan goes back up top... big elbowdrop! 1, 2, kickout! Tag to Shane... he goes up top. Sunset flip! 1, 2, kickout! Shane and Lash exchange punches but Shane hits a Side Russian Leg Sweep to put Lash back down. Tag to Shannon, who hits a twisting splash off the top! 1, 2, kickout! Shannon yells at the skinny red-headed referee and gets shoved down for his efforts, making Shannon Moore the BIGGEST PUSSY EVER! Shannon eggs Chavo in and then chokes Lash up against the ropes. A cover gets a 2 count. Shannon tries another corner charge and misses. Springboard X-Factor by Lash! Tag to Wall! Shane goes down. Evan goes down. Big boot for Shannon! Backbreaker on Evan. The fans chant for the table as Shane hits a low blow on Wall. Shannon knocks Lash off the apron and hits a SPRINGBOARD SOMERSAULT PLANCHA to the floor!! Chavo dives off the top onto Shannon. Evan does a springboard dive of his own onto the pile. Shane prepares for a jump... Wall catches him from the apron! Wall's got the table in mind but 3 Count attacks him before anything can happen. Wall holds Shannon up BY THE HAIR and Shane hits a superkick that knocks Wall off the apron and THROUGH THE TABLE! Chavo is rolled back inside. Shane hits Evan with a superkick by mistake. Shannon comes off the top and Chavo catches him in a sit-out powerbomb! 1, 2, Shane breaks it up! Lash is back in. 3 Count tries a triple suplex... Lash and Chavo counter and then try a double suplex on Evan, which is turned into a double DDT. Wall pulls two 3 Counters to the floor. Shane and Chavo are in. Chavo sends Shane into Lash... Lash hits his finisher! 1, 2, 3!! MIA celebrates the win.

Two solid matches in a row? What PPV am I watching?

Your winners: MIA (match time: 10:26)

Earlier today a kid asked Jarrett, Nash, and Steiner about an autograph and got brushed off when he told Nash he had no money. Wow, main eventers stealing from WWF mid-carders, that's a good idea.

THE HARRIS BOYS vs. WCW ADVOCATES ILLEGAL DRUG USE in a Chain Match - And the good match streak comes to a crashing halt. What are Adams and the Harris Brothers fighting for? DOA wasn't that long ago, was it? Both teams enter rather quickly... Adams has the stick! "Hey Harris Boys... you two look pretty confident for a couple of sheep gettin' ready to be slaughtered. What do you guys say we up the ante a little bit and make this a first blood match? The first one to get his head busted open loses, that simple." The Harris brothers accept, I guess. Each Kronic is attached to a Harris by a chain, as per the rules... and here we go! Adams and Don-Ron brawl in the ring while Wrath and Ron-Don fight outside. Wrath eats the railing while Adams misses a fistdrop off the middle rope. Don-Ron takes Adams outside as the other duo goes in. Adams eats the broadcast table and gets whipped with the chain a few times. Wrath hits a back suplex. Adams chokes Don-Ron with a chain outside. Wrath and Ron-Don have brawled up into the crowd. Now everybody's in the crowd. They brawl around a bit. Adams sends Don-Ron into the railing and then dumps him back to ringside. Wrath and Ron-Don return to ringside, as well. Adams takes a big clothesline as Wrath unloads a few chair shots on his Harris. Adams whips Don-Ron into the railing. Ron-Don works over Wrath on the other side, then he rushes a fan. Back inside the ring, Adams gets choked with the chain while Ron-Don is hammered on the broadcast table. Now everybody's back inside. The Harris Boys are in control for the moment. Adams ducks a clothesline from the chain and the ref gets bumped. Adams hits a Stunner as Wrath goes low with the chain on his man. Kronic double teams Ron-Don. Don-Ron gets up and goes low on Adams, who doesn't sell it. Wrath and Ron-Don are outside... Ron-Don has a BARBED-WIRE BAT? No, the announcers say it's a chain wrapped around the bat. He lays out Wrath and takes off his chain. Ron-Don is busted open, but the ref is still down. Madden disputes that he's bleeding. Hudson: "What do you think, he got his period, for Pete's sake?" That's lovely. Ron-Don joins his brother and they unload on Adams. Don-Ron pulls the ref up... Adams is busted open and the ref calls for the bell. Kronic regroups and chases the Harris boys away. Now they've got the referee... High Times! Yeah, that's good sportsmanship.

Your winners: The Harris Brothers (match time: 6:34)

PAMELA PAULSHOCK'S HOOTERS are standing by with MIA. General Rection sucks up to the United States. He promises a surprise... and here's Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who doesn't say "HEY, FOLKS!" much to my dismay. He'll be the special enforcer tonight, it appears. C'mon Russo, don't turn Hacksaw.

MR. PERSONALITY LANCE STORM (with Major Wedgie) vs. HUGE ERECTION for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship - Storm enters first because he's Canadian. I think it is Gunns' hair that's different... so if any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, you're WRONG! I do too notice those things! Storm's got the stick! "If I could be serious for a minute... I stand here tonight with mixed emotions. I'm so close, yet so far, from home. I can't believe living this close to the greatest country in the world, you all haven't packed up and moved north of the border by now. Well, tonight is your opportunity. After I defeat General Rection in this ring, in front of that has-been hero Jim Duggan... I invite you all to join me for the drive up to Kitchener, Ontario for Nitro... cause after you get a taste of the good life, you'll be applying for citizenship and you'll never come back to this hell hole!" Boos. " Show some class... all rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem." And we get the ENTIRE song. What's with this musical filler tonight? It finally ends and Hugh makes his entrance. Gunns bounces on the outside. Now here's HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN in a referee's shirt... and one under it. He's turning, damn it. Storm attacks Hugh from behind! Here we go! Storm chops have no effect as a "USA" chant fires up. Hugh unloads some chops of his own. BIG backdrop on Storm! Lance gets bounced around and Hugh tosses him outside. Gunns jumps up and down. Woo! Storm comes back in and hammers Hugh. Lance tries a float-over into a crucifix and Hugh counters with a Samoan drop. A charging avalanche hits! A second... doesn't! Storm slams Hugh and goes up top. Hugh runs up to meet him. SUPERPLEX!! 1, 2, kickout! Hudson talks about how all the guys in the dressing room love Hugh. Uh, okay. Storm hops away from a corner charge but eats some punches anyway. Lance goes low to get the advantage and he works Hugh over. Lance ducks a clothesline, blocks a backdrop, and hits a superkick! Hacksaw fires up a "USA" chant again. Storm hits a standing dropkick. Hudson again says that everyone backstage wants Hugh to win. What about the Canadians? Hugh rolls to the floor and Lance hits a SPRINGBOARD SPLASH to the floor! Hugh gets whipped into the railing, but he comes back with a boot and hammers Lance down. Storm is rolled inside but he hits a jawbreaker as Hugh enters. A Storm whip is reversed and Hugh hits a powerslam! 1, 2, kickout! High cross body by Storm... Hugh catches him and hits a powerbomb! 1, 2, kickout! Hugh with a suplex... no, Lance slips out. Hugh breaks a suplex attempt, but Lance hits a dragon screw leg whip... sort of. Lance goes for the CRAB, but Hugh kicks him off. RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX by Hugh! He clotheslines Lance to the floor and Hacksaw throws Storm back inside. Hugh with a slam. Duggan and Gunns are on the apron. The ref is distracted by Gunns... no, c'mon. Hugh goes up top and Hacksaw... hits him with the 2x4. Aw, fuck. Hugh, to his credit, fell off AND hit his head on the buckle as he did so. Storm applies the half crab and the ref calls for the bell. Gunns weeps on the apron as Hacksaw tosses the referee away and tears off his ref shirt to reveal one with the Maple Leaf. Hudson screams like Duggan was behind Pearl Harbor. The rest of MIA runs down and all get laid out by Hacksaw's 2x4. Replays show us Hacksaw's heinous actions. Sure, let's turn the ONE guy who isn't a big star but who can be over regardless of what he's doing or how long he's been away.

Your winner and still United States champion: Lance Storm (match time: 6:46)

OBSCENE GENE stands by with Mike Sanders and the other Natural Born Thrillers. Of note: Mike Sanders does a good Konnan impression, Gene calls Sanders a "prick" then tells Sean O'Haire to blow it out his ass, Sanders calls Tygress a "cheese-whiz sucking, trailer trash hoochie".

THE JOB SQUAD (with Sean Stasiak) vs. THE FILTHY ANIMALS & BIG VITO in an elimination tag match - Some BUFFALO BILLS are in the front row. I'd make a joke, but what's left to say? The Thrillers enter first. We see the Animals outside by a limo... someone exits with a towel over his head. Tazz? Nah. We follow the Animals and Vito as they walk back into the arena and towards the entrance. It's nice to see Vito and Disco have put their mob troubles behind them. Stasiak joins the broadcast team. Goody. The Animals finally make their way out with TOWEL MAN remaining at the entrance. Konnan's got the stick. He does his spiel... and the towel is removed. It's PAUL ORNDORFF! Um... yay? All the teams are at ringside and we're ready to go. Rey and Mark Jindrak start us off. Rey gets bounced around and finally slides outside to get away. When Jindrak follows him out, Rey goes back in and lowers the boom. Springboard legdrop by Rey! A springboard moonsault attempt ends in a big slam by Mark. Tag to O'Haire, who hits a powerslam on Rey. 1, 2, Juvi breaks it up. Rey manages to tag Juvi, who comes in with a springboard body block. O'Haire catches Juvi in a gorilla press... Juvi slips out and ends up on the apron. Neck snap on O'Haire. Juvi with a springboard dropkick! He goes up top... cross body is caught into a sit-out slam! Jindrak gets the tag. They try a double team and Juvi hits a Frankensteiner on O'Haire. Head scissors on Jindrak. Tag to Vito! He hammers Jindrak. Japanese arm drag! Atomic legdrop! VITO SHUFFLE!!! Disco tags himself in to Vito's dismay. He hits Jindrak with a reverse atomic drop and gets a 2 count. Jindrak hits a tilt-a-whirl slam... tag to O'Haire. They do a double leapfrog and Jindrak hits a dropkick. O'Haire covers for 2. Superkick on Disco! 1, 2, Rey breaks it up. Disco ducks a clothesline and hits a spinning neckbreaker. Tag to Konnan! Somersault clothesline! Leapfrog, reverse kick, X-Factor! O'Haire reverses a whip into a clothesline and then takes a swing at Disco. Konnan gets whipped into the Thrillers corner and Disco comes in after O'Haire. Konnan fights out and rushes back at O'Haire, who ducks away, and Konnan runs into Disco's back. Stunner on Konnan! O'Haire covers. 1, 2, 3! Adios, Konnan.(6:00)

Johnny Da Bull gets tagged in and he works over Disco. A spinebuster hits. Johnny leaps to the top rope... AND STICKS THE LANDING! But the top rope legdrop misses. Disco goes for a tag... but nobody will give him one. Vito pops Disco one as Reno gets the tag. Reno hits the Roll of the Dice! 1, 2, 3! (6:53)

Vito comes in against Reno. Did we ever find out the "history" between these two? They exchange shots. Chuck Palumbo makes a blind tag as Reno backs up to the ropes. Vito shoots Reno off and hits a reverse atomic drop and a mafia kick, but Palumbo nails him. Torture Rack... no, Vito slips out. VITO DDT! 1, 2, Johnny breaks it up. Orndorff tosses in Vito's stickball bat. Is this legal? Vito swings at Reno, misses, and gets hit by a bat by one of the Thrillers. Reno hits his finisher again! 1, 2, 3! (7:43)

Orndorff calls a meeting with the remaining Animals, that being himself, Rey, Juvi, and Tygress. Is Tygress IN this match? Juvi enters against Reno. Juvi's a house on fire! He takes Reno down with a dropkick out of a backdrop attempt. 10 punches of doom by Juvi! He goes up top... spinning body attack! Tag to Rey. They double team Reno with the Hardy's "poetry in motion" bit. JUVI DRIVER! Rey and Juvi double team with a modified version of the Dudleys' "wazzzzup?" spot. Rey covers! 1, 2, 3! Reno is done. (10:45)

O'Haire and Jindrak go in against Rey and Juvi, who get whipped into each other. Jindrak slides Rey out to the floor. O'Haire eats a boot from Juvi on a corner charge. Juvi with a dropkick from the middle rope! O'Haire and Jindrak regroup on the outside and Juvi springboards out... they catch him! Juvi eats the railing and then they HIPTOSS him back in over the top rope! Juvi obviously helped, but DAMN! O'Haire goes up top... SWANTON BOMB ON JUVI! 1, 2, 3! (12:08)

Here comes Orndorff. Jindrak and O'Haire go down! He takes turns hammering both of them. Atomic drop on Jindrak. BOOGIE WOOGIE ELBOW!!! Johnny smashes Orndorff with a stickball bat. How is this legal? A big swing misses and Orndorff grabs the bat. He goes to town on Johnny! PILEDRIVER!!! 1, 2, 3! (13:28)

Jindrak and O'Haire jump Orndorff right away. They do a "poetry in motion" spot, but Orndorff moves and Jindrak falls to the outside. O'Haire backflips off the buckles but gets hammered anyway. Jindrak flies back in and misses! PILEDRIVER ON JINDRAK!!! Orndorff... well, he's still lying there. The ref's talking with him. O'Haire covers Orndorff. 1, 2, 3. (14:51)

Rey comes in as other refs slide in to check with Orndorff. I think he's hurt, but I can't imagine WHAT hurt him. Rey with a bronco buster on Jindrak. Tygress does the same. Orndorff is still down in the middle of the ring. Mike Sanders comes in and gets an X-Factor from Tygress. Chuck Palumbo comes in and they try to wrestle while avoiding Orndorff's body. Finally ref Charles Robinson calls for the bell. (16:35)

Result: No Contest

We cut to the announcers, who do their same "this wasn't planned" spiel that they do EVERY FUCKING MONTH, making this seem no different than worked crap like Miss Hancock's stomach pains. "Boy who cried wolf", Russo. Orndorff is fitted with a neckbrace and put on a bodyboard. Rey, who watches on, gives a little kiss to the cross around his neck. You go, Rey. They eventually get Orndorff onto a stretcher and the fans give him a nice ovation.

The commentators flap their jaws about nothing.

Pamela is backstage with Kidman and Madusa. LOOK AT ALL THE BOOBIES! Kidman wishes well to Paul Orndorff, then discusses his match... Torrie's a bitch and she isn't ready being the gist. Madusa tells us that "bitch" is an understatement, then she goes on to call Torrie a bitch again. Uh, hello? Ranting like Hogan on crack, she manages to call Shane Douglas a "bastard" as well.

DEAN DOUGLAS & WHORRIE TILSON (with no visible cleavage) vs. KID-MAN & MADUSA (with breasts of extreme grotesqueness) in a Pittsburgh Plunge Scaffold Match - Douglas and Torrie come out first, stopping in the aisle so Shane can speak. "Hey, Buffalo... you just saw a punk up there making big-ass statements that his little ass can't back up. Now Kidman and Madusa, take a look at the contraption that will end your stinkin' careers! 20 feet in the air... a Pittsburgh Plunge scaffold match! Take it up, people. Let's get it good and dangerous in here. Kidman, you'll be joining your friend Orndorff at the hospital in a few seconds. Now Madusa, you BITCH, you want to talk about this woman and the things you're gonna do? You won't lay a stinkin' finger on her! Got it? Now I'm a man of my word and I promised that you two jackasses would take a flying leap tonight... or I'd pay every stinkin' person here their money back. And I'm a man of my word and I don't quite like people from Buffalo, so I ain't payin' a dime to anybody, but you two are takin' a leap. THAT'S A FACT! THAT'S A FACT! THAT'S A FACT, JACKASS!" The scaffold is over the entrance in front of the video wall, rather than over the ring like the old days. Douglas and Torrie climb on... and out come Kidman and Madusa. The scaffold starts to rise above the ramp... but I don't think that's 20 feet. Maybe from the floor, but not the stage underneath it. Here we go! Kidman and Douglas brawl. Torrie screams as Madusa gets near her. Kidman slips out of an atomic drop as Madusa snap mares Torrie down. The scaffold bounces and shakes with every move someone does. Douglas floors Kidman and approaches Madusa, who knocks him down with a few kicks. Shane rises up and goes back to work on Kidman, then stalks Madusa once more. Douglas grabs Madusa's leg and ducks an enzugiri. STF on Madusa! Torrie gets in Madusa's face and trash talks her. Kidman breaks it up and Torrie crawls to the other side of the scaffold, but she doesn't climb down for some reason. The ladders appear to be 2-3 feet higher than the scaffold, so climbing down doesn't look to be that easy. Douglas powerslams Kidman. Shane tries a piledriver... Kidman counters with a backdrop. Reverse atomic drop by Douglas. Madusa manages to get on the ladder and does the SLOWEST JOB OF CLIMBING EVER SEEN. Kidman hits a sit-out powerbomb. Both men stand back up and Douglas hits the Franchiser! Madusa has stopped climbing altogether now and is shouting at Kidman. Douglas starts climbing down above Madusa. He's kicking at her... Madusa goes low! Shane kicks a few more times and Madusa DROPS OFF THE LADDER! Eh, she fell about 10 feet onto a giant pad that they didn't even bother trying to cover... we'll give it a 0.2 Owen. The announcers sell her fall like she's dead. Douglas flips her off and walks back over to Kidman, who scores with a dropkick. Shane appears to hit a face-first suplex, but the cameras don't pick it up. Torrie comes back into the middle and low blows Kidman from behind... and Douglas throws him OFF THE SCAFFOLD!! He breaks through the stage below! Kidman went from the full height and seemed to have a rougher landing than Madusa... let's say 0.4 Owen. Shane holds the ladder so Torrie can descend. She goes SLOOOOWLY but eventually touches down, giving her team the win. Replays show us the two falls. The padding Madusa landed on clearly absorbed the blow, yet Tony tells us again that it had no give. I guess we're all just idiots to Tony.

Your winners: Shane Douglas and Torrie Wilson (match time: 6:17)

Gene stands by with Sting, who promises to end his feud with Vampiro and Muta tonight. It's about time. As Sting starts talking about his title shot on Nitro, he's ATTACKED... BY JEFF JARRETT! YEAH! Get him, Jeff! Gene calls Jarrett a "crazy bastard" and Jarrett says HE will be getting the title shot.

Mike Tenay went to David Flair's house yesterday. Let's watch the wackiness unfold!

Sure enough, here's Tenay knocking on a door. He tells David he's all alone and David lets him in. What about the cameraman? And hey, there's ANOTHER cameraman already inside! David's house is strewn with half-full pizza boxes, lit candles, and empty beer bottles. IT'S MY OLD DORM ROOM! How the hell did David Flair get in there? David takes a seat on the couch and offers Tenay some refreshments. Tenay instead asks David about Stacy leaving him at the alter and how he's not the father of the Kiebler elf (Get it? Keibler elf? Remember those... ahh, leave me alone.). David sits in silence before rushing to the window and taking a peek outside. He sits back down and offers Tenay a cigarette. Tenay asks if David has any suspects and David names his brother Reid. As Tenay explains the impossibilities of an 11 year old being the father, David rushes to the window again. "He's here!" "He's here? Who's here?" "The father!" And David sits back down again. Tenay brings up Ric Flair and how he didn't deny being the dad. David says he hasn't talked with Ric since the wedding, then he rushes back to the window and runs outside where we see the mailman delivering David's mail. David CLOTHESLINES him down! "Was it you?! Are you the father?!" FIGURE FOUR ON THE MAILMAN!!! Tenay breaks it up and the mailman says his leg is broken. David takes off running down the street.

That was a giant waste of my time. Say, isn't attacking a federal employee a rather serious crime?

REVEREND STING vs. VAM-PIE-RO (with the ICP) vs. THE GREAT MOOTA in a 3-way match - Vamp and ICP head out first. Muta comes out next in full garb. Oh goody, Shaggy and Violent J replace Tony and Hudson at the commentary table. Sure, let MADDEN stay. Sting heads out and Vamp jumps him in the aisle. Muta joins in and they take turns beating on Sting. ICP gets annoying REAL quick. Vamp hits Sting with a face slam on a chair on the outside. All 3 brawl into the fans, where Sting continues getting double teamed. They dump Sting back over the railing and Vamp drags him to the announce table, ramming his head into it. Shaggy cracks Sting with the JCW title belt. Shut up, ICP. Jesus. Muta grabs a chair and nails Sting. Sting reverses a whip and sends Vamp into the railing. He goes after Muta but Vamp breaks it up. Shaggy tosses Vamp a kendo stick and he cracks Sting with it. Everyone rolls inside and the double teaming continues. Vamp walks over and shoves Muta for some reason. Sting starts fighting back against Vamp. A shoulderblock takes Vamp down! Sting ducks a Muta kick and clotheslines HIM down! STINGER SPLASH... misses! Muta hits a kick. Vamp goes up top and Muta whips Sting into a top rope clothesline! Muta hits an elbowdrop and Vamp shoves Muta again. Vamp hits a few kicks on Sting. SHUT THE FUCK UP, ICP. Muta hits the MOONSAULT!! 1, 2, Vamp pulls him up. Now Vamp and Muta are going at it. ICP runs into the ring and I never thought I'd be happy to have Tony back. Sting grabs his bat and lays out everybody! DEATHDROP ON MUTA! 1, 2, 3!! Man, was that a big steaming pile of suck. Vamp slams Muta as Shaggy goes up top... Sting pulls Muta from the ring and Shaggy misses his move. The announcers wonder why Sting helped Muta. JUST LET THIS END ALREADY.

Your winner: Sting (match time: 5:10)

Earlier today Pamela caught up with Mike Awesome at his bus. Mike asks Pam to come aboard and have sex with him, but she reminds him that they're just friends. Shouldn't she be INSULTED by such an offer? If, for no other reason, because a few weeks ago Mike Awesome only liked fat chicks? Awesome promises a big surprise for Jarrett tonight... and here's GARY COLEMAN coming off the bus! Gary Coleman?! WHAT A COUP FOR WCW!!! Gary even points out that he's from the 80's, making his appearance here completely meaningless. Mike asks Gary to do his "whatchu talkin' 'bout?", but a confused Pamela ends up asking it herself. Ha ha. Mike and Gary head inside, leaving Pam all alone. Woo, look at her rack!

WCW'S SAVING GRACE JEFF JARRETT (with geetar and Tennessee Titans jersey) vs. POOR MIKE AWESOME (with that 70's table) in a Bunkhouse Brawl - "Cho-cho-chosen one!" Yes! Business has picked up! Jarrett heads down and mocks the Bills players at ringside. I see various weapons... there's a NOOSE around a ring rope. A table with "barbed wire" is propped up against a corner. There's a branding iron. Jarrett has the stick! SHUT UP, EVERYBODY! "Take a good look at a jersey of a REAL football team!" Boos. "You mean to tell me you people are still pissed that the Titans handed the Bills their asses last year in the playoffs? Let's face it... you got beat by a lateral pass! The Music City Miracle is in the damn history books, it's over, so quit cryin' about it! I mean, the Chosen One can't help that the Buffalo Bills suck ass. I mean, the New York Jets proved it TODAY!" Jeff rubs more football insults on the fans and the players before calling out Awesome, who enters to NO CROWD RESPONSE WHATSOEVER! Now he's even got a lame-ass entrance theme to go along with the gimmick. Mike drags his table to ringside and Jarrett attacks! Mike gets whipped into a wheelbarrow. Cookie sheet to the head! Mike grabs a broom and breaks it on Jeff's back. Jarrett gets whipped into the railing in front of the Bills players. And again! Now Awesome chokes him with a bull rope and drags him to the other side of the ring. Jeff reverses a whip and Mike eats the railing. Jarrett finds a leather belt and whips Mike with it. They head inside and Awesome gets a broom broken over his back. Mike's got the branding iron! He gives Jeff a few shots to the gut. AWESOME SHOULDERBLOCK! They brawl back outside. Gee, one guy's in nothing but tights, the other has on a jersey and jeans... who's going through that barbed-wire table, I wonder? Each man grabs a chair and they smash them together. Awesome gets the advantage and hits two big chairshots to the back. There's a third! Mike tosses his table into the ring. The Bills taunt Jarrett as he pulls himself up into the ring. Mike puts Jarrett onto the table... Awesome goes up top! Jeff runs up and nails him. Superplex coming? Mike blocks! AWESOME BOMB... no, Jarrett BACKDROPS Mike through the table!! Jeff puts the boots to Awesome and breaks another broom over his back. Jarrett adjusts the barbed wire on the table before unloading some more shots. He whips Mike towards the table... Mike baseball slides to stop himself. Jeff tries again... Mike reverses... JARRETT GOES INTO THE TABLE! The barbed-wire, surprise surprise, doesn't catch to his clothing. Mike whips him in AGAIN... and again, the barbed-wire doesn't catch on Jeff. Mike hits an AWESOME SITTING POWERBOMB!! 1, 2, kickout! Awesome goes up top... AWESOME SPLASH MISSES! Jeff taunts the Bills players... and they come over the railing! Hey, THIS isn't fair! None of the announcers can name them, so don't expect me to. Jarrett exchanges shoves with one guy. Another snaps Jarrett's neck on the ropes. Awesome grabs him. AWESOME BOMB!! 1, 2, KICKOUT! KICKOUT! JAR-RETT! JAR-RETT! Mike pulls him up again... Jeff slips out of the Awesome Bomb and hits a low blow! The Bills players finally leave the apron. Jeff gets the guitar! Here's GARY F'N COLEMAN on his way down! Oh, PLEASE let him get it! No, he low blows Jarrett! Gary poses on the buckles. But Jeff's still got the guitar. YES!!! YES!!! EL KABONG ON GARY COLEMAN!!! JARRETT IS STILL GOD! He pulls up Awesome... here's STING out of nowhere. He breaks up a Stroke and DEATHDROPS JARRETT! Awesome covers! 1, 2, 3! STING MUST DIE!!! Someone carries Gary Coleman backstage as Awesome celebrates with the Bills.

Your AWESOME winner: Mike Awesome (AWESOME match time: 9:04)

A video package shows us the history between Goldberg and Steiner. So Goldberg's the FACE after putting Midajah through a table? And couldn't they have found someone a little hotter to play Goldberg's girlfriend? Wait, that's not Ryan Shamrock, is it?

Gene stands by with Scott Steiner. Gene AND Steiner?! GET THE CENSORS READY! Steiner does his usual Warrior-inspired promo and walks off. Gene: "Jeez, what a mouth on that bastard."

PILL POPPER PUMP vs. WILLIAM GOLDBERG in a no DQ match - Steiner comes out with his chain-mail head gear. What's the story on that? He, too, gets into it with the Bills. Oh boy, we get the FULL Goldberg entrance! He makes his way through the backstage area, gets his pyro, and finally gets to ringside. Steiner has put on a mask to protect his face... rather than the Virgil special, he's opted for the Catwoman mask. Good choice. Here we go! They lock up and Steiner backs Goldberg into a corner and unloads. Goldberg comes back with a shouldertackle that knocks Steiner down. Gorilla press! Into a front slam! Goldberg whips Steiner to the ropes and Scott goes outside to regroup. But Goldberg follows! Steiner reverses a whip and Goldberg hits the railing. Scott rolls him back inside. Steinerline! Elbowdrop! 1, 2, kickout. Steiner unloads some shots but ends up eating a boot. Double underhook suplex by Goldberg! He hammers Steiner about the face. Steiner blocks a backdrop. DIAMOND CUTTER BY STEINER!! It takes the announcers a minute or two to call it as such, oddly. Scott pulls Goldberg back up. SPINNING BELLY TO BELLY! 1, 2, kickout! Steiner yells at the ref. He scoops Goldberg up into a tombstone... Goldberg reverses and hits a front slam! 1, 2, kickout! Goldberg backs up... SPEAR MISSES! Goldberg hits the corner. Is he bleeding? Steiner goes up TOP... a cross body gets caught! POWERSLAM! Goldberg stands up and then falls back down. Steiner rolls out to the floor. Goldberg stands again and goes out after him. Steiner whips Goldberg into the steps. HOLD THE PHONE! Here comes THE LOVELY MIDAJAH, carrying a pipe! LORD, look at them things. Have you seen this shot of her holding a sheer cloth in front of her naked body? I don't think I've ever seen nipples that size without also seeing baby bottles attached to them. Steiner takes a chair to Goldberg, then tosses the chair inside. He rolls Goldberg in as well. Steiner ties Goldberg to the TREE OF WOE! Chair to the gut! And again! Goldberg's legs fall to the mat. Overhead suplex by Steiner! Scott does some push-ups, just for kicks. There's a backbreaker on Goldberg. 1, 2, kickout. Steiner sets for a DRAGON SUPLEX... Goldberg breaks free, but Scott hits an overhead belly to belly. Midajah hands him the pipe. SPEAR!! Goldberg pulls Steiner up... and here's BATMAN, with bat, to screw things up. He cracks Goldberg with the bat a few times before the Jackhammer can hit. Russo goes to the apron and Steiner covers. 1, 2, kickout! Steiner dumps Goldberg to the floor and Russo backs off. Steiner hits a double axhandle from the apron, then whips Goldberg into the railing. Steiner sets up a table on the floor. One of the legs gives out but Steiner slams Goldberg onto it anyway. He rolls Goldberg back in... that's it! STEINER RECLINER! Goldberg won't give up. He reaches the ropes and Midajah hops onto the apron and kicks Goldberg's arm off. We get a NICE boob shot as she jumps down. Goldberg rises from the Recliner with Steiner under him... he drops Steiner into the ropes! But Steiner's right up, nailing Goldberg with a clothesline. He lifts Goldberg up onto the top rope. Steiner climbs up and Goldberg headbutts him off. Midajah swings with her pipe, barely catching Goldberg in the back, but he sells it like someone cracked him upside the head. Russo gets in a shot of his own. Steiner climbs up... OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY OFF THE TOP!!! 1, 2, kickout! Steiner drags Goldberg into center ring... there's ANOTHER RECLINER! Goldberg reaches the ropes and manages to shoot Steiner outside the ring. Scott grabs a chair and comes back in. Goldberg ducks a shot and hits Reno's spinning finisher. Russo's back in. Goldberg grabs the bat! Steiner cracks Goldberg with Midajah's pipe! And again! Goldberg slumps to the mat. Steiner hooks on the Recliner again! Goldberg's out cold. The ref raises the arm. It drops once... twice... three times! Steiner wins! Russo tears off his shirt and poses over Goldberg. DAMN, is Russo pregnant? Do some situps if you're going to take your shirt off. Steiner leaves with Russo and Midajah as refs and the Bills players tend to Goldberg.

Your winner: Scott Steiner (match time: 13:50)

A promo for Halloween Havoc promotes a rebirth for Sting at the PPV. Is this legit or just another dumb WCW ad that means nothing?

Here comes the cage!

A video package shows us the heated issues between Kevin Nash and Booker T. Unfortunately, no action figures are used this time.

Pamela stands by with Booker T, who tells us nothing we don't already know. Don't start none, won't be none, hate the game and not the playa, yo. I'm waiting for him to work in "2 legit 2 quit".

FRESH YOUNG TALENT KEVIN NASH vs. THE ROCK in a cage match for the WCW World Heavyweight championship - Noted crime boss MICHAEL BUFFER is back with us again. He bills our match as "the people's champion vs. the world champion". Golly, what must DDP think? Nash enters first because he's old. He hands the belt to the ref and starts doing something to one of the turnbuckle pads. Booker enters as Buffer tells us he's from "Harlem, USA" and again says "people's champion". He enters and we're ready to go! A lock-up ends with Nash shoving Booker backwards. They lock-up again and Nash pulls Booker into a kneelift. There's a bodyslam. Booker ducks a clothesline... and again... big forearm to Nash's head! Nash fights out of an armbar and hits a running corner clothesline. There's the dreaded barrage! Director's Square elbow misses! Booker hammers away! "AHHHHHHH!!!" Nash regains control with a big boot and a clothesline. 1, 2, kickout! Hudson tells us that Paul Orndorff suffered a stinger earlier tonight, but he's doing okay. Nash puts a surfboard on Booker. Booker fights out and Nash scoops him up... side suplex! 1, 2, kickout! Nash goes to the corner he was at earlier and easily removes the pad. So that's what he was up to, that rascal! He scoops Booker up... Booker slips out and runs Nash chest first into the exposed steel! Bodyslam on Nash! The crowd has completely died for some reason. HARLEM SIDEKICK! Booker doubles Nash over. "AHHHHHHH!!!" AX KICK! Booker spins up! Rock Bottom... Nash breaks out. Big boot! Chokeslam by Nash! Both men are down. Nash manages to drape an arm over Booker. 1, 2, kickout. Booker gets run into the cage a few times, marking the first time it's been USED thus far. It's a CAGE match, guys, let's act like it. Nash tries to run Booker's face in again and Booker blocks. Nash blocks his own face from going into the cage, so Booker rams him into the exposed turnbuckle! Big punches by Booker. Nash is bleeding! Blood from Nash?! ALERT THE MEDIA! Booker runs Nash's face along the cage. There's the 10 punches of doom... no, Nash goes low at 9. He crotches Booker on the top rope. Nash goes for a Jackknife... Booker grabs the cage and stands on the top rope. MISSILE DROPKICK! 1, 2, kickout! Nash blocks a superkick and clotheslines Booker down. 1, 2, kickout! Both men stand and Booker fires more right hands. Nash goes low and both men are down again. Nash is up first. He shoots Booker into the ropes... BIG BOOT! Nash falls to a knee but pulls himself up. DOWN GO THE STRAPS! He pulls Booker up. JACKKNIFE... Booker lands on his feet! ROCK BOTTOM!!! 1, 2, 3!! Jeez, that was anti-climatic. The cage goes back up as Booker celebrates with the belt. That's it for Fall Brawl! Watch Nitro!

Your winner and new WCW world champion: Booker T (match time: 9:03)

FINAL THOUGHT:

Well... not too bad a show, really. The opening matches were quite a surprise, but the show slowed down from there up until the Jarrett/Awesome match. I can't much complain about the quality, but there was just something missing. It seemed more like a solid Nitro than a good PPV.

I really don't get the main event. What's the deal with Nash losing clean? How many weeks has Russo beaten into our heads that not-the-nWo can overcome any odds because they're smarter? But they had no plan for the pay-per-view? They worked out a plan to keep the belt on Nash at all costs for War Games, but not for this show? It doesn't make sense to me.

And while his first reign was a good idea, Booker T isn't the guy WCW should be putting the belt on at this point. Rumor had it that Nash got the belt because he thought Booker chasing the title, rather than being champion, would help him get over more. Well, I don't think it worked. I don't doubt Booker can be a fine world champion some time, but the fans seem to want the Goldbergs, Steiners, or Stings of the world to have the title right now.

Well, anyway, consider this one a mild thumbs-up from me. The decent wrestling was a nice surprise and Steiner/Goldberg was better than I thought it'd be. And you can't beat Jeff Jarrett hitting Gary Coleman with a guitar for sheer entertainment.

I'll be back at Halloween Havoc! Adios!