It's me, it's me... it's that C-H-R... wait, that's not going to rhyme. Then I guess I'll simply say that my name is Chris Jones and this is YOUR WCW Great American Bash recap! It's the show that has promised a surprise that will change the very face of professional wrestling. I know I can't wait!

Yes, I know that last month I promised some sort of non-recap article... but you have to remember, "soon" to me means 5-6 weeks. So be looking for it in the next few weeks or so. I'll make it worth your while. And I'm told that the next WWF T&A home video will be out in mid-August, so we have that to look forward to. Boobies! Yay!

Anyway, it's time we get started on this train ride to hell, so strap yourself in and observe the no smoking signs... ‘cause here we go!

2 weeks ago - Goldberg beat on Rick Steiner and then hugged Kevin Nash. Last Monday - Goldberg pins Tank Abbot and celebrates with Nash. Last Wednesday - Goldberg assaults a few cops. Why is this kicking off the show? Is Goldberg even ON this card?

Outside the arena... lots of cops! They're waiting on Goldberg. I smell trouble!

Opening video package hypes some of tonight's matches. The human torch match is hyped last, as if it's the main event. Maybe it IS.

We fade into the arena where we're LIVE from the Baltimore Arena in Baltimore, Maryland! Pyro! Cheering! Close-ups of goofy looking people! And it looks like we're underway already!

LT. LOCO (with the Misfits in Action) vs. DISCO INFERNO (with the Filthy Animals) for the WCW Cruiserweight championship - Despite Chavo being the champion, the MIA members enter first. I'd be remiss if I didn't specifically mention that "Major Gunns" Tylene and all of her glorious parts are with them. Huge Erection has the stick! "Misfits... fall in! Lt. Loco, your mission tonight is to defend the Cruiserweight championship against the Disco Inferno! Now shout like you've got a pair!" Your mileage may vary on that last line. Now Chavo has the stick! "Disco Inferno! I've got a little surprise for you, baby!" He pulls something off his belt. "Say hello to my little friend!" Ahh, it's a plastic grenade. Hugh quickly takes it from him as the other MIA members back up. "Filthy Animals, you mess with me, you mess with this match... I'll kill ya! Hahaha!" Um, yeah. The crowd didn't respond to ANY of this, if you're keeping score already. The Filthy Animals get their curtain dropping entrance, which is really... what's the word... oh yeah... GAY. Disco is wearing a Lakers jersey, jinxing the team's chances tonight, no doubt. I'd be remiss still to not mention Tygress with the Animals, although I think she's ugly and can't stand her. So Rey's got a girlfriend and, for some dumb reason, he's wearing overalls... let's just print "I want to be X-Pac" right on his forehead. Madden sneaks in a good line about Chavo's grenade and how he thought Major Gunns was the authority on plastic round things. Speaking of Tylene, we almost get a good shot of her ass while she bends over on the outside as the ring empties out. Disco and Chavo are in! We're underway! Chavo unloads on Disco to start. Madden refers to Tygress as Rey's "main trim". Disco fights out of a reversal and drops Chavo onto the top rope. Chavo blocks a corner charge with a head scissors and Disco is tossed to the floor! The MIA members attack him and then roll Disco back inside. A t-bone suplex gets Chavo a 2 count. A back suplex scores another 2. Disco tries a dive and ends up falling to the floor. Chavo flies off the top and connects with Disco! I think he caught a Filthy Animal or two, as well. Chavo gets caught on the floor with a beatdown until the MIA makes the save. The announcers have started calling Disco the "Hip-Hop Inferno" out of nowhere. Chavo is rolled back inside and Disco slams him down. Big elbow off the second rope! 1, 2, kickout! Hold on, here comes... I guess that's POP in military clothing. What's his full name? Poppa E Rection? Disco hits a reverse atomic drop and a clothesline. 1, 2, kickout! Pop says something to Tygress about Jennifer Lopez. Konnan and Rey shove him away and the old man drops to the floor and doesn't move. Back in the ring, Juvi is in behind the ref's back to take down Chavo. A People's Elbow attempt misses and Chavo dropkicks Juvi to the floor. Disco hits the Stunner on Chavo! Quick, somebody use a Pedigree! Complete the trifecta! Lash hits some move on Disco and pulls Chavo on top for the pin in clear view of the referee. 1, 2, 3! The factions storm the ring and we've got a brawl! The Animals head off relatively quickly and Major Gunns approaches the motionless Pop, presumably to provide mouth to mouth. Madden: "C'mon, honey, pick an end... either way it'll revive him." Tylene thankfully tears off her tank top to reveal her bikini and massive rack before applying her life saving technique. Pop wakes up and tries rolling over onto Tylene, prompting the Misfits to pull him off and bully him.

Your winner and still WCW Cruiserweight champion: Lt. Loco (match time: 4:57)

Eric Bischoff, the Cat, and some cops occupy a room backstage. A few cops assure Eric that he's got nothing to worry about. Eric wants nobody ruining his surprise for Kevin Nash. Wow, this surprise will change the industry AND be bad for Nash! I can't wait!

Mean Gene speaks with the Mamalukes. They aren't too worried about Kronic, it would appear. Gene stirs the pot by wondering which Mamaluke is the Hardcore champion and Vito ends the interview. Gene: "Hey! Vito, I'm askin' you a friggin' question ova heea."

If YOU bought the Great American Bash... you can get a FREE Hulkster inflatable raft! WOW! I find this gift choice odd since the way the ship of WCW is sailing right now, I wouldn't be handing out the rafts too quickly.

A COUPLE GOOMBAHS (with the Hardcore title) vs. WE SMOKE POT for the #1 Contendership to the WCW Tag Team Championship - Is "contendership" even a word? The Mamalukes head down and we get the Vito Shuffle right off the bat. Don't shoot your wad so early, Vito. A lazer show straight from Glacier's entrance plays as Kronic enters. I guess it looks cooler if you're stoned. Madden and Tony hype Bischoff's surprise as the best well-kept secret in WCW history. It's probably pretty easy to keep something secret when you have NO IDEA WHAT IT IS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Kronic enters the ring and we're underway! The Mamalukes get hammered to the outside. Vito, wearing the Hardcore title belt, polishes it at ringside. Johnny and Wrath start us off. Johnny gets pummeled in a corner with knees and chops. A brief comeback sees Johnny get drilled with a Rock Bottom. Johnny tries going outside and Wrath follows, bouncing Johnny off the railings before rolling him back in. Johnny ducks a clothesline and hits a spinning kick to the head! Tag to Vito. They double team Wrath and stomp him down. Another Vito Shuffle! And he's still wearing the hardcore belt. Vito works Wrath over in a corner and makes another tag. Johnny enters and Wrath hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Johnny is shoved into the Kronic corner and Wrath tags out. In comes Crush. Johnny tries a clothesline and gets caught in a full nelson slam. 1, 2, Vito breaks it up. Tag back to Wrath. Johnny gets a big powerslam. 1, 2, Vito's in again to stop things. Tag to Crush. Johnny prevents a backdrop with a kick to the chest. A clothesline takes Crush down. Johnny tries a suplex and Crush turns it into a Gorilla Press! He drops Johnny onto his knee! 1, 2, Vito breaks it up again. Vito nails Crush as he hits the ropes and Johnny hits a DDT. Tag to Vito. Vito hammers Crush down. Crush gets whipped into a corner and he eats a corner clothesline. Another attempt sees Vito hit the buckles. Wrath enters without a tag and they backdrop Vito. Crush takes the Hardcore belt off and Wrath tosses it outside like garbage. Crush hits some sort of DVD into a DDT! 1, 2, kickout! Vito ducks a clothesline and hits a superkick to take Crush down. Tag to Wrath. Vito tags out. Johnny clears out Kronic! Powerslam on Wrath! Johnny misses his leap to the top rope. He hits it a second time and misses a splash attempt by a mile. The announcers say Vito is out by them, polishing his title belt... but we don't see it. Johnny tries in vain for a tag. Kronic hits High Times on Johnny. NOW we see Vito on the outside. Wrath covers. 1, 2, 3! See, kids... smoking pot pays off!

Your winners and #1 contenders: Kronic (match time: 9:20)

Pamela Paulshock is standing by with DDP, who's facing Mike Awesome in an ambulance match... or if you're Pamela, an "am-ba-lanche" match. DDP calls her a bimbo and implies that he has something special for Awesome. She gives us "whatever" as DDP heads off.

KIMBERLY'S ERRAND BOY vs. KIMBERLY'S HUSBAND in an Ambulance match - We get a shot of the ambulance backing into the arena. Mike enters to Madden's "WCW has used Awesome so well since he debuted" routine. Yet a little under a year ago, Chris Jericho being in the mid-card (much as Awesome is now) was a result of the WWF not knowing how to use him. DDP enters... and he's pushing KANYON down in a wheelchair. Kanyon sits up on the stage wearing a halo and a horribly vacant "duh" stare on his face. Gee, he's not going to turn on Page, is he? DDP rolls inside and we're underway! They trade shots and the referee eats one, going down early. DDP clotheslines Awesome to the floor. Mike whips Page into the railing and DDP falls into the crowd. Page has what looks to be a piece of toilet paper stuck to his back. Ewww. Awesome follows and DDP hammers him. Awesome has a chair! DDP swings one of his own and catches the ringpost. They both enter with chairs and exchange smashes. Mike's chair flies away and DDP throws his to Awesome, smashing it into Mike's face with a punch. DDP whips Mike to a corner and is met with an AWESOME BACK ELBOW! Awesome hits an AWESOME BACK SUPLEX to keep DDP down. There's an AWESOME WARRIOR SPLASH! Page gets his eyes raked across the top rope. An AWESOME CLOTHESLINE takes DDP down. Mike drops Page throat first onto the top rope. Now Awesome's going for a table! Kanyon stares straight ahead from the ramp. Somebody get that man a drool cup! The table is set up. Page misses a baseball slide by a mile. Awesome grabs him... AWESOME BOMB through the table!! The EMTs lift Page from the wreckage and put him on the stretcher. They start to roll him away, but Page rolls off onto the floor. Mike heads up the aisle and delivers an AWESOME chairshot! Page is rolled back inside and Mike continues working him over with the chair. A fan at ringside receives an awesome "up yours!" from Mike. DDP falls flat on the mat and Awesome goes up top! AWESOME SPLASH! Since Mike moved his knees about an 1/8th of an inch, Madden calls it a frog splash. Awesome goes back up... ANOTHER AWESOME SPLASH!! Kanyon watches on... sort of. Mike puts a chair under and on top of DDP and then climbs back up. Awesome Splash... misses! Mike kinda hits the chair he left under DDP. Hold on, here's KIMBERME on her way down! Wa-hoo! She runs to the ring while holding a pipe of some sort. As Page tries to stand Kimberly enters and cracks him across the lower back with the pipe! And she swings it just as good as any Hollywood actress! Why, here's MISS HANCOCK on HER way down! Wa-hoo! She grabs Kimberly by the hair and... and... drags her backstage. Boo! Back in the ring, Awesome sets for a top-rope Awesome Bomb... but Page goes low! Mike drops onto the top rope. DIAMOND CUTTER!! DDP rolls Mike to the apron and yells at the EMTs, who put Mike on the stretcher. As they reach the top of the aisle, the nWo Nitro theme starts up. THE BISCH emerges from the entrance with a steel chair. He's going after Kanyon! DDP floors Eric as Kanyon... surprise, surprise... tosses off the halo and gives Page a Diamond Cutter through part of the stage. Kanyon takes off his t-shirt... he's got a New Blood shirt on! SOMEBODY TURNED ON DDP AT A PPV!! WE'VE NEVER SEEN THAT! WHAT A SWERVE!!! Kanyon shoves Awesome off the stretcher and puts Page on it. Mike rolls DDP into the ambulance and takes the win. The ambulance drives off.

Your winner: Mike Awesome (match time: 9:40)

We're taken to our hosts for this evening's festivities, TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON, & MARK MADDEN, who are all shocked and surprised by the incredible swerve we have just seen. I'm so shocked I can't think up dumb nicknames for them this month! Tony wonders how long this has been in the works. Don't forget about the APB out on Goldberg!

What the... here's somebody coming to the ring American Gladiator style on a zipline. It's G.I. Bro! I guess we're to our next match.

G.I. BRO - A REAL AMERICAN NEGRO vs. HEATLESS WONDER SHAWN STASIAK in a boot camp match - The object here is to keep your opponent down for a 10 count. The announcers discuss Bischoff's surprise as Stastiak walks down with camouflage paint on his face. He's got the stick! "G.I. Bro... take a good look at what a real... or should I say "perfect" solider of fortune should look like. And as you can see, tonight I'm taking this war to you!" Shawn heads down the aisle and Booker meets him halfway. Here we go! The announcers think Booker should have the advantage in the boot camp match, as if changing to a military gimmick suddenly gives you an advantage in a military gimmick match. Bro tosses Shawn into the stairs! "AHHHHHHH!!!" Shawn eats the railing and gets rolled back inside. "AHHHHHHH!!!" Booker enters and Shawn attacks. A slam puts Bro down. Shawn misses a clothesline and Booker hits a flying forearm! Bodyslam on Stasiak! "AHHHHHHH!!!" Shawn gets clotheslined to the floor. Booker leaps off the apron and hits a forearm. "AHHHHHHH!!!" Shawn eats the railing again. Booker throws him into the first row! Shawn starts hammering Booker but Booker regains the advantage. "AHHHHHHH!!!" A chairshot seems to graze Stastiak's head. Booker rolls Shawn back inside. "AHHHHHHH!!!" Booker goes up top and hits a flying clothesline! The ref counts. We're up to 5... 6... 7...8... Shawn is up and Booker's all over him. Bro mounts Stasiak in the corner for the 10 punches of death. "AHHHHHHH!!!" He unloads with right hands! Shawn tries a reverse atomic drop at 9, but Booker blocks it. Shawn counters with a stungun onto the turnbuckle pads. Now Stasiak chokes Booker down. A flying elbow knocks Booker flat. The ref starts his count. Booker is up at 8 and Shawn attacks. A corner charge sees Shawn eat a boot! Spinning sidekick by Booker! Shawn tosses Booker to the floor and they brawl in the aisle. Shawn hits a suplex onto the metal entrance ramp! The ref counts. 5... 6... 7...8... Shawn attacks as Booker rises up. He drags Booker back to ringside and runs him into the steps. Shawn rolls Booker back inside and climbs up top. Flying clothesline! The ref counts. 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... Booker's up! Shawn attacks again. Booker reverses a suplex attempt and hits one of his own, but Shawn rebounds with a clothesline. Booker gets counted down and rises up at 8. Shawn tosses Booker outside once again and they brawl in the first row. A big chairshot to the back floors Booker on the outside. 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... he's up! Stasiak goes right back to work on Booker, rolling him back inside. Gut-wrench powerbomb by Shawn. Both guys are down! Stasiak's up at 5. 6... 7... 8... 9... Booker's back up. Stasiak locks on a sleeper hold and rides it down to the mat. A "boring" chant fires up. Booker's arm drops once! Twice! But not three! No, sir! Booker fights up to his feet and breaks free. Back suplex by Booker. An elbow by Shawn knocks Bro back down. Booker reverses a whip into a HARLEM SIDEKICK! "AHHHHHHH!!!" The crowd is dead. Booker ducks a clothesline and hits a Rock Bottom, which pops the crowd somewhat. Booker climbs up top at Shawn rises to his feet at the 8 count. MISSILE DROPKICK! The ref starts his count. Here's STILL A NOBODY CHUCK PALUMBO on his way down. He's got the "Lex Flexer"! Booker ducks a shot and hits the ax kick! Stasiak goes low with the flexer, sending Booker down. The ref starts his count on Booker. He's up at 9 and gets double teamed. Where's the MIA to assist him? Booker ducks a double clothesline and hits one of his own! The ref takes the flexer as Booker spins up to his feet. Harlem Sidekick on Chuck! Sidekick on Shawn! Booker grabs the flexer and floors Palumbo. There's a shot for Stasiak! The ref counts. 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10!! Booker celebrates his win.

Your winner: G.I. Bro (match time: 13:57)

We quickly cut to Kanyon packing his bags as Mean Gene barges in on him, demanding an explanation. "When I was in the hospital, nobody came to visit me more than Eric Bischoff." Kanyon says he put DDP out in order to claim DDP's spot, but "moments ago" footage shows DDP breaking out of the ambulance as it tried leaving. Page stumbles around and... MY GOD!!! IT'S THE GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK!!! Anyway, Kanyon's positive he took Page out because he's "Positively Kanyon". Ha ha. Oh, my sides. Whoa. Ha ha. Let me catch my breath.

DEAN DOUGLAS vs. THE WALL in a tables match - Douglas enters and takes the stick. "Cut the damn music! First off, you Baltimore pieces of shit, sit down! And pay attention while the real star here in WCW tells you a little lesson. They put a wall up in front of the Franchise tonight. Tonight could be a very historic night. You people here in Baltimore might finally have the pleasure of seeing not one but two great careers come to a close. While the New Blood is disposing of Hulk Hogan and Dick Flair, the Franchise is going to define his career tonight at the Wall's expense. You see, Baltimore, I like to make guarantees and I guarantee that tonight I'm going to chop the Wall down to size. That's why I've got a plan. Hey, Wall. A little challenge, big man. It ain't a tables match. I suggest we make it a best of 5 tables match and I say we give these people in Baltimore a knock-down, kick-ass, Baltimore drag-ass fight with five tables broken, not one! If you're up for it, big man, I think Baltimore will let us know if they want that. Do you want 5 tables?" Cheers. "You just signed the Wall's death warrant. Get out here, you big piece of crap!" As Wall enters the commentators say you have to put a guy through 5 tables to win. I thought Douglas said "best of 5"... wouldn't that be 3? Wall enters the ring and Douglas attacks! We're underway! Big boot to Shane! The Wall shoots Shane into the ropes and catches him in a gorilla press slam. Shane lands a boot to the gut and attempts a swinging neckbreaker, but the Wall shoves him off. Douglas gets hammered against a corner. Shane reverses a whip and hits a jumping kneebutt, but Wall goes right into a double handed choke. Shane goes to the eyes and hits a suplex! Douglas hits his reverse snap mare move, which Madden claims the crowd clapped for out of respect. I don't think 2 guys behind you count, Mark. Shane runs in and clotheslines the Wall to the floor. A baseball slide knocks the Wall over a table, which tips onto it's side. They brawl around ringside where tables have been set up every few feet. The Wall eats the railing a few times. Douglas tries a suplex onto a table... Wall blocks. Chokeslam through the table! (Wall: 1, Shane: 0, 3:55)

The commentators continue saying that someone has to go through 5 tables to lose. Shane fights back but ends up being dropped through another table! (Wall: 2, Shane: 0, 4:47)

Hudson finally says it's the "best of 5" and that Wall only needs one more table. They re-enter the ring and Shane lands a big low blow. Then he hits another! Shane retreats up the aisle as the Wall slowly stalks after him. Shane heads off near the entrance area where... hey, there's a ladder standing up next to two tables that are placed on top of a platform. What luck! Shane climbs the ladder on the side facing the tables. Wall climbs up with his back to them. Shane tries hammering Wall backwards. Wall grabs Shane by the throat! Shane fights out and continues punching. Wall teeters! He falls and breaks through the 2 tables! Wait... they're pretending like that was 3 tables. Shane wins! Whatever. We see that Douglas had brass knuckles on while he hammered the Wall. Referees try helping the Wall up from the wreckage. Wall grabs "Slick" Mark Johnson by the throat and chokeslams him through a nearby table, as WCW continues their goal of making the table spot even LESS meaningless. Replays show us Wall going through the "three" tables.

Your winner: Shane Douglas (match time: 7:57)

An outside shot of the arena shows us that the cop cars are still there. One backs up as a black car rolls up... here's Hollywood, complete with black and white feather boas. Say, is he still running for president?

PILL POPPER PUMP (with the superfreaks) vs. TANK ABBOTT'S BEER GUT in the Asylum for the WCW United States Championship - In fairness to Tank, it seems his gut is getting a little smaller. Or he's sucking it in, one of the two. Tank enters the ring and waits. Steiner enters with oiled up cleavage galore and heads inside the ring. We're underway! As they brawl, the ring announcer reads a note that Rick Steiner has been added to the match by Bischoff and Russo to even out the playing field. And as promised here is DOGFACE RICK STEINER on his way down. He attacks his brother while the cage sloooooowly starts to lower. A "Goldberg" chant fires up. Rick and Tank basically just stomp and kick Scott while they wait for the cage to touch down. Once it does, Scott gets rammed into the cage. The girls stand on the apron and shout in. Rick drops an elbow onto Scott's crotch. Tank takes off his glove and reaches into his tights... HE'S GOING FOR HIS KNIFE!!! No, he's got a chain. Whew. Rick tells Tank not to use the chain for some reason. What, Rick has a heart all of a sudden? Tank pretends to put it away as Rick holds Scott. Tank balls up the chain and nails... Rick? Huh? Scott goes low on Tank and grabs the chain. Tank takes the chain upside the head! Scott applies the Steiner Recliner... Tank gives up almost immediately. Well, that sucked. The announcers play up Rick "saving" his brother. Scott and the girls leave as Scott slaps a few high fives with fans at ringside. You don't see THAT too often.

Your winner and still United States champion: Scott Steiner (match time: 3:47)

Here's a limo pulling up outside! Is this part of the surprise?! Why, it's Ric Flair! There's his wife! There's another girl... and another... and there's Reid Flair. AND THERE'S THE GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK!!! OH MY HOLY LORD!!!

Video clips show us various incidents in the Hogan/Kidman feud... mainly Kidman looking like a bitch.

Mean Gene stands by with Hollywood Hulk Hogan, who unloads a interview full of rambling that has to be heard to be believed. When asked about Horace being the special referee, Hulk claims blood is thicker than New Blood.

KID-MAN vs. TRIPLE H - If Hulk loses, he retires. If he wins, he gets the title shot at the next PPV. Special referee WHORE-ASS accompanies Kidman to ringside... but no Torrie. Great, suck out ANY reason for me to care about Kidman. Billy does get pyro when he enters the ring, though. The nWo theme kicks up and out strolls Hollywood, strumming his air guitar. Why aren't they using "Voodoo Child"? They can't shell out the money all of a sudden? Madden says Hulk will never be as cool as Hall or Nash. They show a close-up of a sign proclaiming Hulk "THE REAL H.H.H." How is he the "real" HHH? Isn't he simply another HHH? The music finally dies we're ready to go. Horace remembers to call for the bell and we're underway! Hulk tosses Kidman around like a doll. A big punch knocks Kidman all the way out to the floor. Hulk throws Kidman back inside and continues beating his ass. There's the big boot! Kidman rolls out to the floor and Hulk follows. Hogan runs Kidman into the railing in front of a few little kids, then he slaps hands with the kids. That's pretty un-Hollywood like, isn't it? Hulk tires of kicking Kidman's ass on the floor, so he rolls him back inside and kicks his ass there. Horace gets in as Hulk blatantly chokes Billy. Kidman goes to the eyes and manages some offense. Horace breaks up Kidman's illegal tactics and Kidman gets annoyed. Hulk hits a low kick and takes off his weight belt. Kidman gets strapped! Again! And again! Kidman rolls outside and Hulk puts his belt back on before following him out. Now Hogan has a chair. Kidman dropkicks it into Hogan, but the chair goes flying at a few fans in the front row. Kidman unloads a few chairshots and rolls Hulk back inside. He covers. 1, 2, kickout! Hulk rolls outside and pulls Kidman with him. Kidman resumes his role as this match's designated bitch. Hulk hits a chairshot of his own and then rolls Kidman back inside. Kidman slips out of a slam attempt and almost DDT's Hogan onto a chair. 1, 2, kickout! Kidman yells at Horace about his count. Kidman goes up top! Big splash! 1, 2, kickout! Kidman gets in Horace's face again about the count. Billy hammers Hulk around the ring, prompting Hulk to hulk up and turn things around. There's the 10 punches of death and destruction! A corner clothesline sends Kidman to the floor. Hulk follows and tries to ram Kidman into the post, but Kidman slips out and runs Hogan into the steel. Kidman charges Hogan and gets hiplocked into the announcer's table, breaking it as he flies over it! Here's TORRIE'S CLEAVAGE on it's way to ringside! Wa-hoo! Hulk rolls Kidman back inside as Torrie climbs onto the apron. Hulk jaws with her and Torrie hands something to him... brass knuckles, apparently. Kidman rams Hulk into Torrie, who drops to the floor and holds her ankle. Kidman grabs the knucks and nails Hulk. Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Kidman stomps a mudhole into Hulk in a corner and Horace throws Kidman off. Kidman nails Horace with the knucks! He prepares for another shot at Hulk and Torrie low blows him from behind! Hulk uses the brass knucks himself and makes a cover. Horace recovers. 1, 2, 3! Boy, what a fabulous push for Billy Kidman. Horace raises Hulk's arm and they hug. It's a great night for families to reunite, apparently.

Your winner: Hollywood Hogan (match time: 11:40)

Eric is backstage talking on the phone to someone we learn is in Montana. A cop checks with Bischoff, who's concerned about the Goldberg monster truck. The cop promises Eric that everything is under control. Eric relays that message to his pal on the phone.

Next month... it's Bash at the Beach! Hogan has a world title shot! That disturbing news aside, it'll be my 1-year anniversary doing recaps for [slash]... so come on back next month!

Our hosts discuss the incredible swerve Hulk and Horace pulled off.

Video clips show us footage of Vince Russo putting himself over at Ric Flair's expense.

Pamela talks with David Flair and Russo, wishing him luck in his match because he'll need it. David tells her off and Russo rants.

Mean Gene stands by with Ric Flair, who does his typical interview despite this not being a typical match. Gene just HAS to remind us about Hogan's title shot next month.

Here's members of the Flair family heading to ringside... REID, BETH, MEGAN, & ASHLEY FLAIR all take front-row seats. So which one's gonna turn on Ric?

BOY WONDER (with Batman) vs. RIC... WHOOO... BY GOD... FLAIR - If Ric loses, he retires. David enters with Russo and without Daffney, despite the graphic for the match saying she'd be here. They enter the ring and hug. Ric enters with the full pyro treatment. We see multiple shots of the Flairs at ringside... damn, Reid looks like a little punk. Ric is in his tights and not street clothes. The bell sounds! Here we go! Russo shouts something at the commentators as Ric and David lock up. David is forced back into a corner and Ric slaps him in the face. Another lockup sees Ric backed into a corner and David unloads some forearms and a few chops. Ric is whipped to the other side... FLAIR FLIP! Well, he didn't quote make it out to the apron and rolled out to the floor instead. David goes out with him and beats him around ringside before rolling him back in. Big suplex by David. Ric goes into the ropes and David locks on a sleeper. Ric slips out... belly to back suplex! David is backed into a corner and Ric tears the front of his shirt open. Big chops! Flair shoots Dave to the ropes and chops him down a time or two. Flair takes David outside and chops him down in front of the announcers. David is rolled back in as Russo watches on. Flair misses a chop and David clotheslines him to the floor. Russo sneaks in behind the ref's back and uses his bat on Ric. Russo's got handcuffs! He cuffs Ric's hands together and rolls him back inside. The chain is long so Ric's not defenseless. David backs his dad against a corner and chops him. FIGURE FOUR BY DAVID!! Russo assists with leverage as Flair's shoulders are counted to 2 a few times. Ref Charles Robinson catches Dave's hands on the ropes and breaks up the hold. David sits on top of Ric and punches him. Charles throws David off as Russo continues working over Flair. Here's REID FLAIR after Russo. Russo throws the kid down and Reid hits a low blow from behind, grabbing the handcuff key from Russo's fallen body. Reid enters and David tosses him around as Charles unlocks Flair from the cuffs. David walks towards Ric and eats a big chop! Now ASHLEY FLAIR is sitting on Russo's back, cuffing his hands behind his back as Ric continues beating on David. Kinky! Russo tries to stand while shouting "bitch!" after Ashley. Ric hits a stomp to the nuts on David. David does a FLAIR FLIP... he JUST makes it over the top rope and Ric clotheslines him to the floor. David is pulled back in and Ric hits a big suplex. There's the strut! Ric has a few words for Russo and David begs off as Ric approaches him. David goes to the eyes and then goes up top, where Ric catches him and throws him off. Like father, like son. Kneedrop by Ric. Ric hammers David with punches and then drops down on his leg a few times. There's the FIGURE FOUR!! David gives up!!! Russo is in the ring and Ric tears his shirt open and gives him a chop. The rest of the Flairs leave with Ric as David helps Russo out of the ring. Russo has the stick! "Hold it right there, you piece of shit! Flair! I'm tellin' you right now... you and that little bitch son and that little bitch daughter of yours, you have chopped Vince Russo for the last time!" Cut to the Flairs doing crotch chops. No, seriously. "Flair! Tomorrow night on Nitro, I will retire your crippled ass, baby! Me!" God help us. The Flairs head off as Russo stews.

Your winner: Ric Flair (match time: 10:17)

Video clips show us various incidents between Sting and Vampiro.

EL VAM-PIE-RO vs. REVEREND STING in a Human Torch match - Vampiro enters with a blow torch in his hand. There's another torch of sorts hanging from the entrance which Vamp lights. We briefly see a fire truck waiting outside. Sting's music starts and the torch Vampiro lit starts to rise up in the air. A better shot shows us that Sting's on top of the video wall pulling the torch up. Sting grabs the torch and hooks it to something. He's got the stick! "Vampiro! Are you afraid of heights? Because I'm not. You want to torch me, you've gotta get up here, boy." Vamp complains to the referee and even walks down to yell at Madden. Hudson: "If he thinks Madden knows anything, he HAS lost it." Sting repels down army style from the video wall and heads to the ring. Say, Sting's uncharacteristically wearing a shirt... who's going to lose this one? He's in and we're underway! Vamp gets the early advantage, flooring Sting with a spinning kick. Vampiro tries a corner whip that gets reversed into a Sting powerslam! Sting unloads on Vamp! "OWWWWWW!!!" A Stinger Splash attempt sees Sting eat a boot! Vamp rushes Sting and Sting drops him onto the turnbuckles. Sting tries another Stinger Splash... Vamp moves! Sting hangs over the top rope and Vamp grabs the gas can, dumping the gasoline all over Sting. Sting rolls to the outside and Vamp pours more on him as they brawl. Sting drags Vampiro up to the top of the ramp and runs him against the scaffolding. They reach the area that Sting repelled down at and Vampiro starts climbing up. Sting starts up behind him and Vamp kicks backwards, knocking Sting off the scaffolding from about 7 feet up! His landing looked rough to me, but Sting starts climbing up again pretty quickly. Vampiro has reached the top! Sting meets him at the top and the lights start flickering. Vamp tries pushing Sting towards the flaming torch, but Sting fights free. They drop down from view briefly. The brawl continues but we can barely see anything. Vampiro goes for the torch but Sting stops him. Vamp hits a DDT, it appears. We cut to a wide shot and the lights go out altogether, so something must be happening that they don't want us to see. Vamp has the torch! He lights Sting up! Fire covers most of Sting's body! Ah-ha... they put somebody else up there. "Sting" teeters near the edge... THEN FALLS OFF THE VIDEO WALL AND CRASHES THROUGH THE STAGE!!! HOLY SHIT!!! That obviously wasn't Sting, but DAMN, that's dangerous! It looked cool, though. Vampiro's music starts up as fire extinguishers spray the hole. "Sting" is put onto a stretcher and covered up immediately so we can't see his face. Hudson works in a "Jesus Christ!" and a "Steve Borden is a father..." for extra drama.

Your winner: Vampiro (match time: 7:23)

That was a pretty cool visual and all, but I'm of the school that if you're going to do a stunt like that (and then the "My God, he's a father!" drama that follows), don't make the stunt aspect so obvious. It's just cheesy. The time Hawk fell off the TitanTron, with a dummy being dropped behind the stage, it was lame. And this, with the lights going out and cutting to a wide shot, was just as bad.

Our announcers are shocked and horrified about what has gone on. I'd like to know why the lights went out, but they're far too concerned with Sting to worry about those trivial details. Imagine if Sting DID get lit on fire and fell off the stage... can you imagine the shitstorm that would rain down on WCW for, at the very least, the "human torch match" idea? Hudson chimes in with "it's not wrestling anymore". Testify.

Replays show us the fall from a few angles. I wonder what those guys get paid for that sort of fall.

Pamela barges in on Eric's phone call to ask about the big surprise. Eric's so paranoid about Goldberg that he calls off the surprise. Of course, if you can't tell by now what's going to happen, you're in serious need of some glasses.

GOD OF WCW JEFF JARRETT vs. KEVIN NASH for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Lord of the ladies MICHAEL BUFFER is out for the intros. Nash enters without incident. As Jeff Jarrett enters, it dawns on me that all 3 major companies use songs by Kid Rock as entrance music (Jarrett, Taker, Kid Kash). Jarrett gets his pyro treatment in the ring and... the Cat's music fires up? Sho' nuff, here's THE CAT appearing at the entrance. I think he's got a referee's shirt on under that jacket. "Cut my music off! Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... ahem." Cat pulls a piece of paper from his jacket. "May I please have your attention, please? May I please have your attention, please? SHUT THE HELL UP! Now since this is a really big show, me and Eric Bischoff and the New Blood have some very important celebrity guests to introduce to you tonight. So if you can shut up, I'm gonna introduce those people to you tonight." The music of the Filthy Animals starts up. "The special guest bell-ringer... K-DAWG!" Konnan indeed heads down. Nash watches on. "Now, up next... go take a seat down there, go take a seat. Now the special timekeeper... REY MISTERIO! Come on down, baby!" Rey Jr. meets up with Konnan in the aisle. "And now, the special belt keeper... DISCO INFERNO, come on out!" Disco jogs to join his buddies. "Now the special ring announcers... JUVI, the Juice baby, the Juice!" There's Juvi. "And now the special ring enforcer and referee..." and Cat removes his jacket to show he does indeed have a ref's shirt on. The Filthy Animals surround ringside as Nash displays his "puzzled" look. Nash takes the belt from the referee and admires it. That looks like a replica of the belt, not the actual one. There's the bell! We're underway! Nash shoves Jeff into a corner to start. They lock up and Nash does it again. A third shove sees the Animals hop onto the apron and Jarrett attacks as Nash is distracted. Jeff unloads the 10 punches of doom and leaves Nash sitting on the mat in the corner. Nash fights back with a big kneelift. Jarrett gets put into the corner and Nash unloads the dreaded "barrage". The announcers say something about a noise rumbling the building, but it's not coming across on TV. Nash and the Cat both seemed to hear it, though. Director's square... crotch chop... elbow to the head. Jarrett falls over the second rope and Nash drops a running leg across his back. Jeff staggers back and gets clotheslined to the floor. Nash follows and tries a battering ram that Jarrett slips out of, running Nash into the post. Does that ram move EVER work? Nash runs Jarrett into the railing and then drops him face first onto the announcer's table. They brawl up into the fans! It's a Russo trademark! Nash takes a sip from somebody's drink as the brawl rages on. Nash has a chair! He cracks Jeff across the back. Jarrett hops over the railing at ringside. Nash climbs over and Rey attacks with a chair to the knee! Konnan and Disco roll Nash inside as the ref yells at Rey. The announcers talk about all the work done to Nash's knees over the years as the fans chant for Goldberg. Jarrett slides in with a chair and works over Nash's knee. Is this a no DQ match? The ref finally grabs the chair and throws it outside. Jeff drapes Nash's leg on the bottom rope and drops down on it a few times. More leg work by Jarrett... and here comes the FIGURE FOUR!! No, Nash shoves him off. Jeff goes right back to work on the leg, dropping elbows down into the knee. Jarrett turns Nash over in a half crab! Nash reaches the ropes and Jarrett breaks. The Cat argues with the referee over the call. Jeff continues stomping on Nash's leg. Here's the Figure Four again... YES! It's on! Jeff cranks on the pressure but Nash refuses to give! Nash escapes a pin attempt at 2. Nash is entering levels of courage in this move only seen before by Vince Russo! Nash tries to reverse the move and Jarrett turns it back. Nash finally reaches the ropes and the ref forces Jarrett to break. Konnan is up on the apron with the ringbell... he nails Nash! The ref didn't see it! Jarrett covers! 1, 2, kickout! Nash is suddenly up and is a house on fire. He hits a side suplex! 1, 2, kickout! Nash nails Juvi off the apron. Rey climbs up top and Nash crotches him and elbows him to the floor. Jarrett has the belt! Nash ducks the shot! Jarrett eats a boot and now Nash has the belt. He nails Jarrett! Cover! 1, 2, Disco nails the referee! Nash goes after Disco and hammers him down. Juvi hits Nash with a chair! The Animals roll Nash back inside as a "Goldberg" chant fires up. The Cat is in to be the referee. Both men are down! The Cat starts counting both guys. Jarrett rolls over and covers! 1, 2, kickout! Disco jumps on Nash's back with a sleeper. Nash dumps him off. Big boot for Rey! Konnan eats a forearm. Big boot on Juvi! Jarrett hits THE STROKE! He takes a minute to recover and then makes the pin attempt. 1, 2, kickout! Jarrett tells Cat to look away and Jeff grabs the guitar! He goes up to the second rope... Nash catches him by the throat! Chokeslam! 1, 2... Cat backs away while holding his eye in pain. "He poked me in my eye! Ahhhh!! Owww!" Nash kicks Cat in the gut and hits a JACKKNIFE! Big boot for Jarrett! Nash pulls down his shoulder straps. He's SERIOUS! He signals for his move and hits a Jackknife on Jarrett! Cover! No ref. Wait, Charles Robinson is out, but gets pulled out by... RICK STEINER. Huh? Now TANK ABBOTT is running to ringside. The Animals rush the ring and attack Nash. SCOTT STEINER cuts Tank off in the aisle and they brawl. Nash is put into a corner for a Bronco Buster from Rey. No, he doesn't want to be X-Pac. A loud revving is heard... MY GOD, IT'S THE GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK!!! It rolls down towards the aisle and stops. Hit Goldberg's music! Here's WILLIAM GOLDBERG plodding to ringside. The Animals scatter. Goldberg measures a spear as Jarrett rises up. Nash reaches his feet as well as Goldberg SPEARS NASH! "Surprise!" says Madden. Goldberg tells Jarrett to make a cover and he dumps the original referee at Nash's head. 1, 2, 3!! Jarrett wins! RUSSO & THE BISCH make their way down the aisle with looks of apprehension. Goldberg stands over Nash as a "Goldberg sucks" chant fires up. Tony: "Did you ever think you would hear the chant we are hearing right now?" I can recall hearing that at least twice before. Russo and Bischoff enter the ring and Goldberg grabs them both by the shoulder and hugs them! NO! NO, DAMN IT! THEY'VE SCREWED US! THEY'VE SCREWED US ALL! Madden and Tony talk about how nobody saw this coming just as we zoom in on a sign reading "Goldberg -IS- New Blood". Seems SOMEBODY saw it coming. As one would expect, trash fills the ring. The landscape of wrestling has changed! And Vince McMahon could do nothing to stop it!

Your winner and still WCW World Champion: Jeff Jarrett (match time: 17:22)

Boy, I bet those cops that were outside are pissed about being jerked around by Bischoff all night, huh?

Final Thought:

I can't imagine what Bischoff was thinking with all his hype for the big surprise. Sure, Goldberg turning is a big deal, but certainly it isn't half as big as it was made out to be. And this surprise is probably why a lot of people ordered the show. I hope for WCW's sake that those people liked what they saw with the show, because the surprise wasn't much to write home about. And as for the turn itself, who does this leave as WCW's top babyface? Hogan? Nash? Even if Vince McMahon COULD have stopped this, why would he want to?

I, however, didn't much care for what I saw on the show. With the exception of the Goldberg turn, the fall during the torch match and perhaps Ric Flair carrying David to a decent match, there's nothing memorable about this show at all. I was looking forward to the Steiner/Tank match, and that sucked a big one. Everything else was just... there. Kidman continuing to be Hogan's whipping boy is depressing. And we didn't even get much T&A tonight. This is PPV, people!

I've gotta chart this one as a thumbs down. And I'm even in a good mood after learning that my man Samuel L. Jackson will be showing on WWF TV soon! Sam Jackson is THE MAN. Go see Shaft this weekend!

Anyway, that's it from me. As promised, I'll be popping up sometime soon with a non-recap feature... and as I said earlier, next month marks my 1-year anniversary doing these recaps, so I may have something special (depending on your point of view).

Adios, amigos!