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WCW Halloween Havoc |
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Greetings, mi amigos! I am Chris Jones... elusive [slash] wrestling contributor and all around good guy. Yes, it HAS been a while since my last bit of work appeared here. Why do some of you feel the need to point that out to me? It's not MY fault that there hasn't been a T&A production on recently. Or a rare picture of a valet's nipple. And for your information, I was working on a piece about how Jeff Jarrett was quickly becoming my favorite wrestler alive... up until that fateful day I saw "Jarrett Set To Jump" at 1wrestling.com. But I'll sum the article up for you... EVERY man, at some point in his life, has wanted to say "get in the kitchen and make me some supper" to a woman. And if you deny it, you're LYING! But forget about all that... for this is YOUR Halloween Havoc recap! The first WCW pay-per-view written by that wacky twosome of Vince "wrestling sucks" Russo and Ed "incest rules" Ferrara. A quick look over at the previously mentioned 1wrestling shows me that Bob Ryder's been taking hype pills, as he says that not only will the internet be abuzz over this event... it may very well be the show that's marked as the turning point of WCW. Has Bob completely lost all impartiality since signing a WCW contract? Let's FIND OUT! Hey, this is the first PPV since July that the Hummer driver angle hasn't been a part of. What do you want to bet that we'll find out TONIGHT who drove the damn thing? Opening video packages hype the boiling feud between Goldberg and Sid. Hey, isn't there a world title match on this show? Tonight... will Sid suffer another loss that won't be counted against his streak? Will the "work the smarts" crap about Hulk Hogan carry over into the show? And if so, will anyone CARE? All that and SO much more! We fade into the MGM Grand Garden Arena in lovely Las Vegas, Nevada. The entrance way is flanked by a large mechanical gargoyle that breathes smoke and gropes a big pumpkin. Oookay. We're introduced to our hosts for tonight's non-stop celebration, TONY "I'M NOT FAT, I'M BIG BONED" SCHIAVONE & BOBBY "NO, YOU'RE FAT, TONY" HEENAN, who are seated at ringside. Ringside commentators... what is this? Nitro? We've got breaking news to start things off! It seems Rey-Rey has a boo-boo and will be unable to wrestle this evening... so the "powers that be" have stripped Rey and Konnan of the tag belts! Tonight we'll see a three-team, falls count anywhere, anything goes match between Harlem Heat, the First Family, and Konnan and Kidman to crown new champs. Now when they say "the powers that be", do they mean the championship committee? The executive committee? Those two new writers who we're supposed to be excited about? I'm confused! Tony mentions the world title match but they quickly change the subject to discuss Sid and Goldberg. It's the ONE match we've all been waiting for! Bobby's tired of jawing... let's HOOK 'EM UP! DISCO INFERNO vs. LASH LEROUX (with "Lash Vegas" t-shirt) for the WCW Cruiserweight championship - Disco makes his way out first, despite being the champion and everything. His entire outfit looks like it came from something that was once alive. Fur is murder, Disco! Lash makes his way down without incident and the bell sounds! Disco starts off quickly and beats Lash down in a corner. A DDT plants Lash so Disco can choke and punch him. Lash rebounds with a dropkick! Bodyslam! But a cover only gets 2. A Powerslam by Lash also gets 2. Lash does some breakdancing before flooring Disco with a haymaker. Disco hits the ropes and Lash steps aside, throwing Disco outside the ring. Tony: "I haven't seen THAT many times!" How long has Tony been doing this? Lash follows Disco out but gets posted for his effort. Back inside, Lash rebounds and hits another powerslam for 2. Lash goes up to the top... Frankensteiner! Well, sort of, as Lash pretty much powerbombed himself with it, though he managed to flip Disco over as well. Disco fights out of a chinlock and then throws Lash over the top. No... Lash skins the cat! Disco goes for a Stunner, Lash pushes him off. Disco with a swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, Lash escapes! Side Russian Leg Sweep by the champ. He points towards the turnbuckles and climbs up... elbow from the middle rope! They stand up and Disco nails a jumping piledriver! 1, 2, Lash gets out! Disco runs in from the ropes but gets caught in a quick powerbomb from Lash. It's Lash's finisher, says Tony, but it only gets a two count. Disco hits a reverse atomic drop... and a Stunner! 1, 2, 3! As the cameras pan the crowd, Lash has attacked Disco. Disco goes up in DVD position and gets a Juvi Driver on the title belt! I'll assume THAT is Lash's finisher, but thanks just the same, Tony. The crowd boos Lash's poor sportsmanship. Replays show us what we missed while they showed us all the witty signs at ringside. Your winner and still Cruiserweight champion: Disco Inferno (match time: 7:37) Back to Tony and Bobby, who have some video from earlier today involving Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko. They arrive to meet Perry Saturn, who's wondering why they haven't returned his calls. Dean tells Saturn to stick the Revolution up his ass and Benoit seconds it. Wow... they're STILL not in the group! It's a good thing we saw that enlightening exchange! Mike Tenay talks with Harlem Heat backstage. It's gonna be like old times tonight, says Booker T. Booker: "Can you dig it?" Tenay: "I can relate to that." Stevie Ray works in "fat fruitbootie" and "egg-sucker" for my enjoyment. THE FIRST FAMILY (with Jimmy Hart and a cart o' plunder) vs. HARLEM HEAT vs. THE FILTHY ANIMALS in a three-way, falls count anywhere, anything goes match for the vacant WCW Tag Team championship - The First Family wears Halloween masks on their way down. Jimmy told Bobby they'd be wearing masks... Bobby wants to know where the masks are. Ha! I notice that Booker T has long tights on again as Harlem Heat enters. Clips from Nitro show us the title change. Kidman and Konnan come out with the belts around their waists. I'm thinking someone forgot to tell them that they're not the champions. Kidman's carrying a camcorder with him to film the crowd, ala Shawn Michaels. Hey, where's Torrie? The Animals dance around as they enter, apparently forgetting that they're supposed to be HEELS after mugging Ric Flair. If they can't remember these details, how can I be expected to? Kidman leaves the camera with Bobby as the bell rings. Too much stuff going on to call here. The First Family clears out the ring with garbage cans. Booker T sends Knobbs into the first row. Kidman takes a can to the head. Hugh Morris hits a mean garbage can lid shot to Booker T for a two count. Knobbs nails Hugh by accident with a trash can. Harlem Sidekick on Knobbs but Kidman breaks up the pin. Hugh levels Kidman with a clothesline. Jimmy Hart runs in and smashes a lid on Booker T. Booker chases Jimmy up the aisle. Run, Jimmy! Knobbs follows Booker and hits him with another trash can. Stevie Ray has followed his brother and they smash Knobbs into a large cardboard casket. That HAS to hurt! Then they break a piece over Knobbs' head... I take it back, it's styrofoam. In the ring, Hugh with a gorilla press on Kidman... onto a set up chair! Stevie takes an accidental side kick backstage. Knobbs works over both Heat members with a metal can. Jimmy Hart pulls a table out from under the ring! Knobbs sets Booker on a table in the back. Hugh sets Konnan on the table in the ring. Hugh to the top... moonsault through the table!!! Backstage, Knobbs gets hit with a styrofoam mummy. Oh, the humanity! Booker covers. 1, 2, 3! Um, okay. We follow Harlem Heat as they make their way to ringside, where another pinfall takes place that we don't see. Kidman has apparently pinned Hugh Morris. Booker takes the tag belts and the crowd BOOS, having no idea that the Heat won backstage. Here's the announcement... Harlem Heat wins! They're the ten-time, ten-time, ten-time, ten... well, you know. Konnan has been injured, it seems. Maybe he got hit with a styrofoam chair. Trainers help him leave... he's either really hurt or a much better actor than I ever gave him credit for. The Heat leaves ringside... there's TORRIE WILSON and LIL' REY at the entrance! They... stand there. Okay. Replays show us the devastating mummy shot that led to the backstage pin. Your winners and new WCW Tag Team Champions: Harlem Heat (match time: 5:05) Here's RIC FLAIR and DAVEY BOY making their way in! Flair's got a tire iron! And he's PISSED! A familiar tune kicks up over the speakers... why, here comes KIMBERLY & HER HUSBAND. Kim's outfit looks somewhat like the one Elizabeth spray painted a few years ago, complete with black stripes. They enter and Kim actually gets to speak! Flair spanked her 14 times in the hotel room, it appears. That's ALL he did? How horrible! But you see, when Kim's with DDP, 14 spanks is just a warm up. Yeah, whatever. Despite the crowd chant saying the opposite, DDP can't suck 'cause he's not from Vegas. Didn't they used to bill him as being from Vegas? Oh well. If Flair likes to "spank it", says DDP, they can both spank it all night in a strap match. He beats this point to death with more "spank it" and "whack it" jokes several more times before leaving. My goodness, I haven't seen Kimberly in an angle with this sort of drama and intrigue since the Evad Sullivan dinner date. Backstage, Goldberg has arrived! MY GOD! What can this MEAN?! Sorry, I slipped into Tony Mode. Goldberg's looking for Sid. Mike Tenay is standing by with Eddie Guerrero, Kidman, and Torrie. Kidman protests the fact that the Animals and Revolution have been banned for the next match, and then he walks off with Torrie to further show his concern. We learn that Rey has gone with Konnan to the hospital. Eddie's wearing Ric Flair's rolex, but he certainly didn't steal it or anything. A REAL MAN'S MAN, PERRY SATURN vs. EDDIE GUERRERO - Saturn enters. Eddie walks down still wearing Flair's watch. Hmm, you think he'd put it in his locker or something. Apparently giving things to Bobby Heenan is the best way to keep things safe tonight, as he gets possession of the watch. Is Eddie a heel? Is Saturn a heel? I like to know these things. The bell rings! Quick action to start things off that sees Eddie take a Stun Gun. Eddie comes back with a dropkick to Saturn's knee, then he dumps Perry outside. Elbow off the apron! Saturn gets whipped hard into the steel railing. Eddie positions the steps but ends up getting gorilla pressed onto them! Now THAT looked painful! Back in the ring Saturn hits a big powerbomb! Springboard body block! Eddie keeps escaping the pin attempts. Saturn applies a few submission holds to keep Eddie grounded. Eddie manages a comeback but gets caught with a T-Bone suplex. Saturn goes back after the legs. Eddie manages a back suplex and applies an arm hold. They do the "I lift you up while you're wrapped around my arm" spot that Shawn Michaels and the Bulldog did in every match they ever had. Lionsault by Saturn! Another one... but Eddie gets up his knees! Eddie hits a brainbuster! He goes up top... Frog Splash misses! Saturn tries another springboard move but gets dropkicked in the gut. Eddie ends up on the top rope but Saturn crotches him. Saturn with a Northern Lights superplex of sorts! 1, 2, Eddie escapes! Saturn puts Eddie back on the top rope. He sets him for a Splash Mountain! Eddie flips out of it and climbs back up... superplex! Here's RIC FLAIR on his way down! He's got his crowbar! He attacks Eddie for a DQ! KIDMAN runs down and gets a few crowbar shots! Here's TORRIE WILSON in to cover up Kidman. Flair grabs her, dances around, and plants one on her! WHOOO! Torrie smiles with the universal "I rather liked that closed mouth kiss" look. Flair heads backstage. Hey Ric, you forgot your watch! Torrie checks on Eddie and Kidman and here comes Flair again... he remembered the watch. Replays show us Flair's dancing and kissing. Screw all that wrestling action! Your winner by disqualification: Eddie Guerrero (match time: 11:13) Backstage, two guys are brawling! It's Goldberg on Sid! Sid's bloody! They're pulled apart! Sid isn't happy! He wants more! This is EXCITING! Shouldn't the Outsiders be here by now? Or are they still looking for Goldberg? Tony and Bobby discuss what we just witnessed as music kicks up. It's BUFFY THE KAYFABE SLAYER making his way to the ring! He's got a problem with the two new writers who plan to "save" WCW. Why does WCW need saving, pray tell? Because Buff's a jackass he also has a problem with Jeff Jarrett. Buff says he's got so much stroke he can walk out for an interview without being on the card! WOW! He calls Jarrett out. And here comes MY HERO JEFF JARRETT with a geetar! Buff's all over him, knocking Jarrett to the outside. They brawl around ringside and Jarrett gets dropped onto the railing. They slide back in... is this a match? Buff tries the 10 punches of doom and gets dropped on the top rope. Here comes THE TOTAL NARCISSIST! He grabs the guitar and swings at Jarrett... but nails Buff! The guitar DOESN'T BREAK! Ha! Double J escapes as Luger hits the guitar on the turnbuckle and it, of course, shatters into hundreds of pieces. Lex is looking for revenge on behalf of Liz, say the commentators. Mike Tenay oversees Sid getting stitched up. Sid shoves away the doctor and shouts "let it bleed!" That's not very sanitary. Eddie Guerrero is somewhere backstage talking on a cell phone. He can barely speak from all the pain he's in, but he manages to tell Rey Rey to get back to the arena. I smell trouble! BRAD ARMSTRONG vs. BERLYN (with scary Aryan guy and queer lighting) - Brad enters with a microphone... he's kicking this shiznit doggy style! Okay, not really. Berlyn makes his way down with his man friend. The crowd collectively goes to get snacks. This was a cool gimmick but, yet again, WCW has seriously screwed it up. The bell rings! They exchange some holds to start off. Berlyn ends up with the advantage. Brad tries a leapfrog and gets powerbombed. Brad manages a cross bodyblock that gets him a 2 count. Berlyn comes back quickly and hammers Brad down. Crowd busts out a "USA" chant to keep from falling asleep. Berlyn tries a Rude Awakening and Brad grabs the top rope, causing Berlyn to crash to the mat. Brad covers! 1, 2, 3! Brad hops up to celebrate but gets laid out by the bodyguard. Does anyone else remember previously seeing a big massive bodyguard who could lay people out with one punch? What was that guy's name? Ah yes... DIESEL. Think Berlyn's bodyguard will be world champion in a few years? Berlyn's music starts to play despite the fact that he just LOST THE MATCH. Your winner: Brad Armstrong (match time: 4:26) Mike Tenay is talking with Ric Flair and his crowbar. Flair runs down the Filthy Animals and challenges them to come after him. Tenay rats out Eddie and his phone conversation with Rey. Ric imitates Kimberly after the spanking, then brags about kissing Torrie as only Ric Flair can. CHRIS BENWAA (with oft used adult feature music) vs. DOGFACE RICK STEINER for the WCW Television Championship - Benoit comes out first despite being the champion and everything. Rick still has that stripe in his beard and it still reminds me of a... well, you remember, don't you? Tony says this has all the makings of a great match. Yeah, if Benoit goes to get a wheelbarrow so he can CARRY Steiner's worthless ass. The bell rings and Steiner hops outside to stall. After Rick refuses to come in, Benoit does a baseball slide outside... but Rick rolls inside and lowers the boom on Benoit when he tries to re-enter. A Steinerline takes Benoit off his feet. Rick throws Benoit up in the air for a backdrop, then catches him with a powerslam! Benoit fights to his feet and chops away at Rick. Steiner ends up on the top rope. Superplex by Benoit! Benoit tries the Crippler Crossface but Steiner gets outside before Benoit can take him down. Benoit dives through the ropes on Steiner! They brawl around ringside. Benoit gets tossed into the railing and the stairs. They go back inside and go at it some more. Benoit whips Steiner into the corners a few times and then barely hits a dropkick as Steiner staggers towards him. Steiner throws the ref into Benoit and kicks the Crippler low as Benoit moves the ref out of the way. Steiner slows things WAY down and applies a few rest holds. Steiner tries a powerbomb and Benoit appears to attempt a sunset flip, but he misses and crashes to the mat instead. My word, did Lord Benoit just screw up? Steiner picks Chris up for a powerbomb again and runs him into the turnbuckles. A release German suplex gets Rick a 2 count. "Boring" chants start as Rick continues to keep things moving as slow as possible. Benoit hits a DDT out of nowhere and then hits a BIG shoulder tackle! Benoit with a German suplex... then a second... then a third! 1, 2, Steiner kicks out! Rick throws the referee into Benoit, who elbows the ref in the chops. Steiner goes out to grab a chair. He misses a swing and gets T-Boned! Benoit feeds Rick the chair and punches it into his face, which knocks Rick down but does no visible damage to Benoit's hand. Benoit to the top! Steiner has the chair over his body! Swan dive... Rick raises the chair into Benoit's head! Here comes DEAN MALENKO! Dean grabs the chair... hey, I thought he didn't like cheating. He swings it at BENOIT! Dean rolls outside and throws the referee back in as Rick covers! 1, 2, 3! Dean meets PERRY SATURN in the aisle... and they HUG! NO! NO, DAMN IT! THEY'VE SCREWED US! THEY'VE SCREWED US ALL! Ahem, sorry. Replays show us Malenko's heinous actions. Your winner and new WCW Television Champion: Rick Steiner (match time: 12:50) Mike Tenay is backstage with Bret Hart. Where the hell is Mean Gene? Bret's ankle is still hurting from the bat shot he took on Nitro. But will that stop him from beating Lex? Surely you jest! THE TOTAL NARCISSIST (with Elizabeth and her breasts) vs. ONE MESSED UP BITC H BRET HART - Just so you know, I refuse to exclusively call him the "Total Package". Lex is out in his tear-away sweat gear and Liz has the same dress on she did when she unmasked after the funeral sketch. Has she run through her "post-implant" wardrobe already? I wouldn't mind seeing her in something tight, but that's just me. Lex has trouble tearing off his pants before he poses. Clips from Nitro show us Lex hitting Bret's shin with a bat. So let me get this straight... Bret, a twenty year veteran, takes a shot to a padded part of his body and walks with a limp a week later. Liz, a frail manager, got hit over the head with a guitar and shows no signs of being hurt. Does this seem odd to anyone else? Bret enters with the previously mentioned limp and goes right after Lex. We're underway! They brawl outside and then back in, with Bret dominating. Bret tosses Lex outside and slowly follows him out, still selling the leg injury. I smell a swerve! Bret trips as he goes after Lex...no, Liz tripped him! She tries to slap Bret and gets her hand caught, but Lex can't capitalize on the distraction. Bret throws him back inside and continues to work him over. Remember when Lex forearmed Bret at the WrestleMania IX brunch? Those were the days, huh? Lex gets in a few cheap shots to get Bret down. Liz is shown a few times... I see tan lines! Bret comes back and is all over Lex again. Side Russian Leg Sweep! Reverse Atomic Drop! Backbreaker! Elbow from the second rope! Sharpshooter... no, Lex goes to the eyes. They trade hiptoss attempts until they BOTH fall over the top rope to the floor. WHO WON? WHO'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA?! Jeez, I gotta stop doing that. Bret throws Lex back inside but Bret's leg is hurting and he can't follow up. Lex bends Bret's leg around the middle rope. He pulls Bret into center ring and puts on a half crab. Wow, Chris Benoit screws up a move and Lex Luger applies a technical hold. All in ONE show! Bret... TAPS OUT?! What the FUCK? Lex and Liz head out as we see replays of Bret being the only guy to submit to that move in the history of the free world. Your winner: The Total Package (match time: 7:48) Mike Tenay is now with Goldberg. They show the "blood" on the floor where Sid and Goldberg were brawling earlier tonight. Goldberg plans to tear Sid's head off. Some music starts to play... here's MADUSA & HER MASSIVE BREASTS in a bikini. She's holding something... the Nitro cologne, says Tony. Bobby talks about how the stuff stinks. Good lord... Madusa's got huge knockers and all, but that's where it ends. She climbs onto the broadcast table and holds up the bottle as I shield my eyes as not to see her lumpy ass. Madusa grabs the microphone and mentions that she doesn't like doing this. In fact, she thinks it's "bullshit" and she dumps the bottle on Bobby! Oh man, she was SHOOTING! I feel all tingly having seen that! Madusa walks off as Bobby AND Tony talk about how much the cologne stinks, with Bobby comparing it to the bullshit Madusa mentioned. Way to hawk the product, boys. Again, I need some clarification. WCW has Kimberly, Torrie, Gorgeous George, Elizabeth, and numerous Nitro Girls... ALL who are attractive and who have large breasts... but Vince and Ed want the aging, cottage cheese thighed Madusa to flaunt her stuff on every show? These are the same guys who had Mae Young stripped down to her underwear, by the way. If I didn't know better, I'd say this bizarre obsession with old women and incest angles points to something troubling in one of their pasts. Video clips show us the troubles between Sting and Hogan. They're putting the match on THIS early? STING (with sharp new haircut) vs. WCW'S EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH HULK HOGAN for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Hulk's music plays... but there's no Hulk. Lord, they're trying to work the 3% of the viewing audience that's HEARD about this crap. We see endless shots of crowd signs as there's still no Hogan. Tony and Bobby claim ignorance. Sting's music kicks up and the champion makes his entrance, wearing a cool leather coat with a multi-colored scorpion on the back. Hogan's music starts again... still no Hulk. Tony again mentions how much Bobby stinks. Wait, HERE'S Hulk... in street clothes! Because you can't work a shoot angle without street clothes! Hogan gets in Sting's face and they have a few words, then Hulk... LIES DOWN? What the FUCK? Sting covers for the 3 and Hogan walks off. THIS is WCW... where we take our advertised main event and flush it down the crapper! Your winner and still WCW World Champion: Sting (match time: 0:03) We quickly go to video clips of Sid and Goldberg to make us think we really DID see a shoot. Call me crazy but if Hogan was trying to screw up the PPV, Sting would do something more than pin him and walk off. Y2S (no record given) vs. WILLIAM GOLDBERG for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship - So the strap match is last? Tony and Bobby speculate that we'll find out about Hogan's actions on Nitro, confirming that it's not a shoot for the 4 people who were still wondering. Sid enters with dried blood on his head. Gross. Goldberg's music plays for nearly 2 minutes before we're taken to a shot of security waiting at his dressing room door. The door slams shut before Goldberg realizes you have to PULL to open it. Heh! Goldberg and company apparently take the long way to the ring... but hey, you piss away the world title match and you've gotta kill some time. Goldberg FINALLY enters the arena and a figure looking strangely like Maxx Payne appears behind him. No, wait... it's SCOTT HALL! And KEVIN NASH! They finally found Goldberg! And it only took them a week! They hammer Goldberg briefly as Sid walks out to get things going. Goldberg fights back and Sid nearly goes into the front row. Sid gets his head rammed into the steps a few times, then Goldberg hammers away at him. Sid ducks down so the stairs can hide his blade job, as blood is now flowing from his head. Sid rolls back inside and gets the advantage. The commentators are putting Sid over huge for his guts, despite the fact that he JUST started bleeding. If you're trying to make a turn for Sid, at least wait to hype his bravery until he DOES SOMETHING BRAVE. Goldberg powers out of a camel clutch and falls back onto Sid. Goldberg starts hammering Sid about the head. Damn, Sid's bleeding like a mofo! Did he hit a vein? Goldberg continues his domination as Sid tries fighting back every now and then. Tony and Bobby act like this is the first time someone's gotten busted open and didn't lie down for the rest of the match. Goldberg pulls Sid into mid ring... and the ref STOPS THE MATCH?! Goldberg is our winner as RICK STEINER runs down to check on Sid. The referee gives Goldberg the US title belt, pissing on hundreds of match endings from the Dusty Rhodes era that made a point of titles not being able to change hands by the ref stopping things due to blood loss. Sid is on his way backstage... no, he's heading back to ringside! No, he decides to go backstage. What an exciting climax to this feud they've been building for months. Your winner and new United States champion: Goldberg (match time: 7:13) Tony and Bobby act like Sid bleeding was on par with Mick Foley falling off a cell. Clips from Nitro of Kimberly in the hotel room. Wow, there's her BREASTS! More music starts... here's STING on his way to the ring again. Tony mentions the "powers that be" for the forty-third time tonight. Sting: "I didn't come to Las Vegas for a night off! I came to Las Vegas for a FIGHT!" The crowd pops. Is Sting a heel or what? Sting challenges anybody backstage to a fight later tonight, because apparently it's showtime. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Kimberly and her protruding nipples) vs. SPANKY FLAIR in a strap match - This is a "Fully Loaded" strap match in that it's won by pinfalls or submissions, not "first guy to touch the corners wins". Both men enter without incident. The referee is Charles Robinson. Remember when he was Flair's boy? Well, neither does WCW. DDP refuses to get near Flair once they're both connected to the strap. They finally begin brawling and Flair takes the early advantage. DDP goes outside and the two brawl up the aisle and into the crowd, 'cause if there's one thing Vince Russo knows, it's a crowd brawl! They trade punches and shots with the strap somewhere near Row 20. Flair gets the strap around DDP's throat and drags him around with it. Kimberly stands near the railing adjusting her top, but the idiot fans near her actually strain to watch the wrestling. The fight returns to ringside and Flair grabs Kim, giving her a kiss! WHOOO! The smooch allows DDP to take the advantage, but I'd say it was worth it. Flair is busted open but strangely the announcers don't praise him for being able to continue. Flair gets put on the broadcast table as Tony and Bobby scatter. Pussies! How often do JR and the King go off headset during a show? DDP climbs on top and whips Ric with the strap. They finally get back inside the ring and Flair hits a low blow. "Powers that be" is said AGAIN. Flair gets DDP in the corner, lifts him by the legs, and punches him in the nuts! Flair starts in on DDP's legs. A chopblock takes Page down and he somehow got the strap wrapped around his throat. Flair hooks on the Figure Four! DDP struggles with the strap around his neck. They do the figure four pin spot, but DDP repeatedly escapes at 2. Page gets his neck free of the strap and reaches the ropes to get the hold broken. Flair stands over Page and hammers his head... and Page headbutts Flair in the balls! Now Flair has the strap around his neck. DDP hits a Diamond Cutter out of nowhere! 1, 2... Flair lies there, Robinson doesn't count three, but then he calls for the bell! Say it with me... what the FUCK? Somebody screwed up here. DDP hits Charles with a Diamond Cutter to try making sense of things. Here's DAVEY BOY running down with the crow bar! Kimberly blocks his way and knees him in the nuts, then hands the crow bar to Page! DDP uses the crow bar on Flair's ribs... then on his nuts! Page rolls outside and throws David back inside. Diamond Cutter on Dave. Then another! DDP drops a low elbow on Dave for good measure before walking up the aisle with Kim. Some EMT's come out with a stretcher, because lord knows you SHOULD be carried out after being hit in the balls. They put a collar around Flair's neck... whatever. David and Charles Robinson stand over Flair as Dave tries to act concerned. Charles actually has tears going down his cheeks! Flair is loaded on the stretcher and rolled up the aisle. But if you're like me, you're expecting Eddie's call to Rey to pay off any minute now. They wheel Flair towards the ambulance... and sure enough, the FILTHY ANIMALS leap out to attack! Torrie plays Syxx as she video tapes the beating. David runs in to help but gets beaten down. They load Flair in the ambulance and drive off with him! The announcers are speechless with concern! I would be too, except for the fact that they'll probably make it three blocks in a stolen ambulance before getting stopped. We cut right back to the ring where STING is making his third entrance of the evening. "It's showtime... WHO is it going to be?" After a few moments the crowd begins cheering wildly, so the cameras pan to a wide shot, of course. Why... it's JIMMY SNUKA!! What a HORRIBLE mystery opponent! Russo strikes again! Just kidding... it's GOLDBERG! If your name is Tony then this is the greatest event EVER! STING vs. WILLIAM GOLDBERG (without the US title belt) for the WCW World Heavyweight championship - As Goldberg enters Tony announces that this is a NON-TITLE match! WHAT?! Blow me, WCW. Sting climbs outside and mentions to the camera that a referee would be nice. Bobby says we know it won't be Charles Robinson after what just happened with Flair... so naturally, Charles runs down and the bell rings. Goldberg gets the early advantage with some solid blows that knock Sting to the floor. He runs Sting into the broadcast table a few times, then whips him into the railing. Sting ducks a clothesline and Goldberg hits the ringpost. They roll inside and Sting goes to the top... big splash!! 1, 2, kickout! Sting hits a SPEAR on Goldberg to make him the coolest man alive! But Goldberg hops up to his feet right away and lands a superkick. He measures Sting for a spear... Sting moves! Goldberg hits the ringpost! Sting backs up... Stinger Splash! And another! A THIRD Splash takes Goldberg down! Sting whips him to the ropes, Goldberg hits a leapfrog and then a spear! He drags Sting up... Jackhammer! 1, 2, 3! The crowd roars as they're not aware that it's a non-title match. Charles Robinson... hands Goldberg the belt? Then he's ANNOUNCED as the champion? WHAT... THE... FUCK?! Sting rolls back inside the ring as Goldberg walks off. Charles tells Sting it was a three count and then turns his back so Sting can Deathdrop him. Sting walks off to a mixed reaction to close us out. See you at Mayhem! Watch Nitro! Your winner and new WCW World champion: Goldberg (match time: 3:10) Send in your bill and get a Halloween Havoc YO-YO! But you better hurry! It's only good while supplies last! FINAL THOUGHT Well, Bob Ryder was either drunk or stoned as he wrote up his hype for the show. A grand total of NO things he said would happen actually did, right down to the internet reaction to the show and the non-appearance of a "controversial personality". Although he did say some people would hate the show... I'm willing to be THAT one came true! But overall, what was looked at as a big show for WCW in terms of their new "era" sure didn't seem much different than the last several I've watched. It wasn't really a bad show, but aside from Goldberg's win(s) nothing stands out as being special... and the show was full of things that either didn't make sense or were mind-numbingly dumb. I mean, is there ANY reason, aside from poor planning, why the announcers told us that Sting/Goldberg was non-title? I'd peg it another thumbs in the middle effort. Nothing that sucked but nothing I'd really want to watch again. If this is the turning point for WCW as Bob thought it would be, it looks like they're planning a strong surge towards status quo for the next several months. See you back at WCW Mayhem! And maybe I'll have something before then. But only if you're good! Adios! Chris Jones [slash] wrestling Mail the author |
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