Yes, I'm afraid it's that time again. I don't like it anymore than you do, but we've gotta be strong. So make peace with your Gods, grab hold of something, and assume the position... because it's time for another journey to WCW land!

That's right, my name is Chris Jones and this is YOUR Halloween Havoc recap! Hopefully everyone had an enjoyable Halloween this year. Mine was a little rough, I got punked out by a gang of neighborhood bullies who knocked me in a puddle and made off with my candy, but hey... life goes on and you gotta get past it. I'm not obsessing over the humiliation. But believe you me, their day will come... oh yes, my friends, their day will come. I'm already planning something and, trust me, as soon as I can sneak myself into that third grade classroom there will be some HELL to pay!

But enough about my horrible experiences with the 9-year-olds up the block. We're here to have a horrible experience of our own, so let's get started with Halloween Havoc 2000!

WCW logo - it still sucks

Here's a look at the MGM Grand! Pamela Paulshock gets comments from the fans in the merchandise area. They wanna see Goldberg... and Pamela's boobs if the direction their eyes are pointing is any indication.

An opening video package hypes this incredible, dramatic event we're about to witness.

And we fade into the arena where we are LIVE from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada! Cheering! Pyro! Lame "O Fortuna" rip-off that Berlyn used as his entrance theme!

JINDRAK & O'HAIRE vs. KID-MAN & LIL' REY (with Konnan) VS. THE BOOGIE FOOLS for the WCW World Tag Team Championship - Speak of the devil, here comes Berlyn now. And YES, Stevie Ray is on commentary, so maybe things will be more tolerable tonight. We see clips of the Boogie Knights winning the tag titles as they enter... whoops, no they didn't win, thanks to that rat bastard Mike Sanders. Here come Jindrak and O'Haire, who ARE the champions. Madden compares them to the Anderson and Steiner Brothers, among other top teams of the past. For some reason, my feed is scrambling every 30 seconds or so. That sucks. Here comes the final team. So when did Kidman rejoin the Filthy Animals? Konnan joins the broadcast team... and we're underway! Alex and Jindrak start off as Kidman stands and watches. Alex holds Jindrak so Kidman can chop him and they do some double teaming. A spin kick from Alex takes Jindrak down. More double teaming backfires as Jindrak springs off the corner on a whip and nails both guys. Mark tries a suplex on Kidman, but Alex is back over to stop it. They lift him in a double suplex and drop him on the top rope! Kidman nails Jindrak, dropping him to the floor. And Alex turns on Kidman and goes to town on him! Kidman hits a head scissors and makes the tag to Rey. Bronco Buster... no, Alex raises a boot and catches Rey in the nuts. Tag to Disco. Jindrak springboards back in and clotheslines Disco down. Rey gets caught in a big side suplex. Tag to O'Haire, who dominates Disco and Rey. Rey tries a sunset flip on Sean and Disco DDT's him when he won't go down. 1, 2, O'Haire kicks out. Rey and Disco do some double teaming. Konnan says Disco was a Filthy Animal because someone has to pick up the fat chicks. Why didn't they let Mike Awesome in instead? Disco whips Rey into O'Haire for an avalanche. They go to repeat it and Rey turns on Disco, whipping him into an empty corner and hitting a dropkick to the knee. Rey goes to the apron and up to the top rope... he falls forward into a splash! O'Haire breaks up a pin attempt. Disco hits a Russian Leg Sweep on O'Haire and Kidman goes up top. He nails Disco! 1, 2, O'Haire breaks up the pin. Disco tags out and Alex hits a missile dropkick off the top! Kidman breaks up the pin. Jindrak is tagged back in. Alex does an overhead throw on Kidman and Jindrak covers him, but it's broken up. Alex and Jindrak double team Kidman and Alex quickly turns, taking Jindrak down and covering him for a 2. Alex puts Kidman up on the top rope. Superplex coming... wait, here's Jindrak lifting Alex onto his shoulders. They hit an Edge & Christian DOUBLE-DECKER superplex! Kidman and Jindrak both drape their arms over Alex. 1, 2, kickout! The three crawl to their corners and we've got tags all the way around! Rey hits a dropkick to O'Haire's knee. Springboard legdrop by Rey! Disco tries a powerbomb and Rey falls forward onto him. Sean throws Rey to the floor and ends up following him out where Kidman and Jindrak join in the fight. Jindrak and O'Haire hiptoss Kidman back into the ring! O'Haire gorilla presses Rey back in... and Alex catches him in a belly to belly suplex! 1, 2, Kidman breaks it up... and Disco bulldogs Kidman! Jindrak pulls Disco outside the ring and drops him on the railing. Alex flies over the top onto Jindrak! O'Haire tries a powerbomb on Rey and Rey does a head scissors and tosses him out to the floor. Kidman does a top rope move that we miss. Rey springs out to the floor and we barely see it. Disco and Alex double team Jindrak in the ring. Kidman runs in... Kid Krusher on Alex! 1, 2, O'Haire pulls Kidman outside. Rey hits a top rope Frankensteiner on Disco! Bronco Buster on Disco! Alex runs in and Rey backdrops him to the floor! Jindrak presses Rey over the top onto Alex! Disco recovers... KICK WHAM STUNNER on Jindrak! Disco throws Kidman to the floor and covers! 1, 2, Rey breaks it up with a springboard legdrop. SWANTON BOMB BY O'HAIRE ONTO DISCO!! He covers! 1, 2, 3!! Alex starts working over Rey and Kidman with a chair. Konnan runs in and gets stomped down by Jindrak and O'Haire. HOLD THE PHONES! HERE COMES THE WALL! Jindrak and O'Haire go down! Konnan is down and Wall and some referees check on him. He rolls out to the floor and then collapses. Oh c'mon, all they did was STOMP on him. Wall pulls a table out from under the ring as the announcers speculate on Konnan and the status of his match later.

Your winners and still WCW World Tag Team champions: Mark Jindrak & Sean O'Haire (match time: 10:07 )

Garbage cans with various weapons inside are strapped to the ringposts. We're going right into the next match, it appears.

RENO VS. A-WALL for the WCW Hardcore Championship - Reno enters to clips of his title win, again thanks to Mike Sanders. Wall sets up his table in mid-ring. The clips end and Reno uses his kendo stick on Wall. Wall fires back with a big boot to the face. He charges in with a clothesline and Reno lifts him and drops Wall through the table! 1, 2, kickout! Madden tells us that it's OLD SCHOOL hardcore rules tonight. They brawl outside and Wall eats one of the garbage cans attached to a post. Trash can lid to the head! Reno gets a few kendo stick shots in and then dumps the contents of one of the cans, using the can to nail Wall upside the head. Cover! 1, 2, kickout. My feed is still scrambling, damn it. Another trash can shot staggers the Wall. Reno goes for more weapons and Wall nails him with a kendo stick shot of his own! Reno gets dropped across the railing. Now Wall has a trash can. He puts it over Reno's head and unloads a big kick about a foot over where Reno's head would be. Wall grabs another trash can and puts this one over Reno's head. There's another foot-high kick. Wall nails Reno with a pan of some sort and then walks over to Stevie Ray and they do the nWo/kliq sign finger tap. Um, okay. Wall and Reno brawl up the aisle towards the entrance ramp. Wall applies a choke on the ramp and Reno goes low to break it. There's a second low blow...

And my FEED GOES BLACK!

Wait, we're back just in time to miss Reno hitting his finisher on the ramp. Now Reno's dragging a table out and setting it up next to the ramp. Here's a SECOND table and Reno puts it on top of the first one. Hey, Halloween Havoc is brought to you by WCW Backstage Assault! Because RINGS are for PUSSIES! Reno pretends like he's going to chokeslam Wall onto the two tables, despite the fact that he'd actually have to lift the much larger Wall above the height of the second table because of their position on the ramp. Wall, not surprisingly, blocks and lifts Reno in atomic drop position... and Reno goes through the stack of tables!! Wall declines to cover and they brawl backstage. Reno eats a concrete post. Wall grabs a computer monitor and hurls it at Reno, who ducks. Funny how that monitor had something on the screen but NO WIRES sticking out of it. Did they steal a display from Best Buy or something? Wall grabs a laptop but Reno blasts him with a fire extinguisher. Reno whips Wall into a table that JUST HAPPENS to be propped against a wall in the backstage area. Cover! 1, 2, Wall kicks out. Reno finds the laptop and Wall ducks a shot. Wall lifts Reno and drops him onto the table the computer stuff was on. There's the phony monitor to Reno's head. Wall whips him into a garage door while Madden makes a joke about the internet killing wrestling. Wall and Reno brawl back towards the ring, through the go position. Hey! Wall nails FIT FINLEY, who's working as an agent. They brawl back to the ramp and Reno rolls down it after a big shot. Madden does a Tommy Rich impression for some reason I can't begin to imagine. Reno eats the railing and then a few shots from various items around ringside. Wall pulls another table out from under the ring. He starts setting it up and suddenly stops like he's out of breath. Reno grabs a chair and smashes Wall from behind! The table falls flat and Reno rolls the dice onto it! There's a cover! 1, 2, 3! Reno works over the Wall a bit... wait, here's PERFECT EVENT out to join in the beating. They work over Wall in the ring... and here comes CHAVO AND LASH to make the save. Stasiak and Palumbo are chased out and Wall is helped backstage.

Your winner and still WCW Hardcore champion: Reno (match time: 10:47)

Say, here's all the Natural Born Thrillers backstage. Reno has managed to shower in the past 5 seconds and Stasiak and Palumbo have changed out of their wrestling gear. Shane Douglas comes up to thank Jindrak and O'Haire for what they did to Konnan. The kicker: an "earlier today" label pops up on the screen, despite Shane clearly saying "earlier tonight" several times in reference to the beating given to Konnan. In an effort to not rag on WCW and their piss-poor planning and production here, I'll say that this must have been taped right after the tag title match, just before Reno came out, Jindrak and O'Haire managed to quickly shower and put back on their wrestling gear, and Shane said "earlier tonight" when he really meant "a few minutes ago". There, see, it all makes sense. You've just gotta try.

We get a look at our commentators, STEVIE RAY & A COUPLE SAD-SACK SUCKAS, who lead us into clips from Thunder of Goldberg spearing the ringpost with his head. Ouch! Stevie tells us that he knew right away that Goldberg was hurt and said as much at Thunder. You GO, boy! Tony tells us that Goldberg isn't here yet and some upcoming matches are mentioned.

Here's Kronik with some guys in suits... hey, is that SEAN CONNERY?! Nah. The guys are apparently part of the athletic commission and Kronik informs them of Goldberg's head injury in the hopes that they won't clear him. Wow, that's a surprisingly good plan.

PERFECT EVENT vs. MIA - Tony tells us that this match was JUST NOW BOOKED because of the events that have unfolded. Wow, whoever's booking tonight is giving the fans what they want! Perfect Event enters without incident. MIA runs down and we're underway! Chavo and Lash get hammered, but they turn the tides and Palumbo goes outside leaving Stasiak to get double teamed. Madden says the problems Perfect Event has been having are all ironed out. Chavo hits a clothesline on Sean and then nails Palumbo on the apron. Stasiak fights back and takes Chavo down with a kneelift. Tag to Palumbo who runs into a drop toe hold. Dropkick! Armdrag! Chuck fights up and Chavo makes a tag. Back suplex on Chuck... springboard elbow by Lash! Lash hits a snap suplex and covers for 2. Palumbo gets chopped against a corner. He reverses a whip and Lash raises a boot, catching Chuck in the face. Tag to Chavo. He works over Palumbo a bit until Chuck catches him and tries a Stun Gun but ends up dropping Chavo to the floor. Chuck follows him out and rolls him back in. Tag to Stasiak and they can't agree on a double team move. Stasiak shoves Chuck and Lash is in with a dropkick, knocking them both together. Chavo rolls Sean up! 1, 2, kickout. Perfect Event puts their problems aside long enough to throw Chavo up and let him drop. Hey, WCW Backstage Assault by EA will be available for the N64 in mid-December! Mark your calendars! Stasiak tries a gut-wrench powerbomb and Chavo fights it... but Sean hits it! 1, 2, kickout. Palumbo gets the tag. Chavo ducks a clothesline and tries a high cross body, but Chuck catches him and does a Scott Hall throwaway slam. Chavo kicks out of a foot on the chest at 1. Palumbo hits an overhead belly-to-belly for a 2 count. Tag to Stasiak and Chavo gets stomped. Sean tries a gorilla press and Chavo turns it into a face slam! LUKEWARM TAG TO LASH! Stasiak goes down! Palumbo goes down! Stasiak manages to hammer Lash, flooring him. Cover. 1, 2, kickout. Tag to Palumbo and Stasiak whips Lash into a big boot from Chuck. Lash tries fighting back and Chuck applies a sleeper. Lash slumps down to the mat. The arm drops once... twice... but not three! No, sir! Lash fights back up and breaks the hold! He bounces off the ropes and Palumbo puts the sleeper back on. Lash fights out again... springboard X-Factor! LUKEWARM TAG TO CHAVO! Stasiak gets the tag as well and runs into a Chavo dropkick. Palumbo takes a DDT. All 4 men are in! They've paired off and are brawling in opposite corners. Stasiak puts Chavo up onto the top rope. Chavo fights free of a superplex attempt, knocking Sean back into the ring. Palumbo tries to superkick Lash and hits Sean instead! Stasiak falls into Chavo's corner... TORNADO DDT! 1, 2, 3!! Chavo and Lash celebrate their win.

Your winners: MIA (match time: 9:23)

We quickly cut to Konnan talking to a trainer. Kidman and Rey would wrestle for him but, hey, they already wrestled. That doesn't seem to be a good enough excuse for Konnan, who storms off saying he'll do it himself.

DEAN DOUGLAS AND WHORRIE TILSON VS. KONNAN AND TYGRESS in a mixed tag team match - Oh my holy lord, Torrie is dressed up like Wonder Woman. There's three things that do it for me, baby: an oversized football jersey and nothing else, a white button-down shirt with a tie and nothing else, and spandex with gold bracelets and the Lasso of Truth. Woo Hoo! They enter and Shane's got the stick! "Cut the damn music! Konnan... maybe you and your people are too stupid to understand that when you've had your ass beaten, stay down, stay out of the game! Now you and that bitch Tygress think you're coming out here and taking away our title as the first couple of sports entertainment? WELL, YOU'RE WRONG. Since those men called Jindrak and O'Haire taught you a lesson earlier, Konnan... it seems Tygress, you have no partner. So if you wanna come out here and, let's say, get your ass franchised, well come on down, baby!" Oh man, look at those jugs on Torrie. The Animals' theme starts up and here comes Tygress. And now she's got the stick, but unfortunately I left my Rosie Perez to English translator elsewhere. The gist is that she's gonna kick ass herself and she tries unloading a boot, but Shane grabs her leg! Torrie throws her down and there's the bell. Tygress hits a low blow from the floor on Douglas and Torrie drags her up by her hair. Tygress does a throw of some sort. Some horrible looking stomps land on Torrie, who backs into Bronco Buster position. Tygress dances around in preparation and Shane pulls her down by her hair, leaving her open for stomps from Torrie. They both grab her for a double Franchiser... here comes Konnan from the crowd! Douglas lowers the boom on him as Torrie tosses Tygress aside. Konnan with a double clothesline on Torrie and Shane! Somersault clothesline! Hug for Tygress! Shane and Torrie regroup outside, so Tygress and Konnan hit stereo baseball slides... and Torrie totally no-sells hers and checks on Shane. Konnan whips Shane into the railing! Tygress goes down. Konnan throws Shane back inside and hooks on an armbar. Tygress comes off the top illegally with a double axhandle. Now there's a tag. Tygress and Konnan stomp Douglas against a corner and Torrie runs over, but does nothing. Tygress with an armbar... and she's BITING his arm. Douglas reverses then Tygress reverses... and Douglas POPS her one! HA! Tony is offended by the abuse. Douglas tags out to Torrie, who unloads some sad looking offense. She charges Tygress in a corner and Tygress gets in a kick to the gut. X-Factor on Torrie! WOO, look at Torrie's ass! 1, 2, kickout! Tygress crawls towards Konnan but gets cut off. Tag to Shane who applies a camel clutch, or "Boston Crab" if you're Stevie Ray, to Tygress. Shane hammerlocks Tygress... there's a CROSSFACE CHICKEN WING!! Tygress runs in a circle and manages to hurl Douglas to the floor. Oh, come ON. Shane runs back in but Tygress makes the hot tag to Konnan! He hammers away on Shane! Torrie bounces unhappily on the apron. DDT by Konnan! 1, 2, Torrie's in to rake Konnan's eyes. Tygress attacks Torrie as Konnan unloads the 10 punches of doom on Douglas. Tygress sets for a Bronco Buster and Torrie pulls referee Charles Robinson on top of her. Bronco Buster on Charles! Shane hits a Stun Gun on Konnan, who staggers into Torrie. FRANCHISER ON KONNAN BY TORRIE! She covers! 1, 2, Tygress breaks it up. Douglas goes after Konnan and Konnan fires back. He and Tygress whip Shane into the ropes... double X-Factor! Konnan covers! 1, 2, 3!!

Your winners: Konnan & Tygress (match time: 8:39)

We immediately go backstage to GENE MEAN, who's standing by with David Flair and some guys in lab coats. David starts talking...

AND MY FEED GOES BLACK AGAIN.

We come back to hear David wrap things up. I'll bet he said he was gonna kick Buff's ass.

NOT GONNA JOB BUFF BAGWELL VS. DAVID FLAIR in a DNA match - Remember when Russo said this would be the greatest angle of all time? Do I need to mention that it's not even the greatest angle on this show? Buff enters and MY FEED GOES BLACK AGAIN. I won't complain this time. We're back just in time to get a quick glimpse of TOMMY TUNE in the crowd, watching Buff like a wolf watches it's prey. Buff has the stick! "What's up MGM Las Vegas?" Cheers. "Well, I guess tonight we're gonna find out if Buff Daddy is the REAL daddy. It looks like little Flair... and I mean little Flair... may have gotten himself in a little bit of trouble. So tonight, right here in front of Las Vegas, I'm gonna whip your ass! So come on out." The piercing screams of Daffney lead David Flair to the ring. He lays a "DNA collecting kit" onto the broadcast table and heads inside the ring. Here we go! Buff flips David off to start. David gets bounced around the ring. Buff slaps him around and slams him a few times. There's a spinning neckbreaker. Buff yawns to let us know how above this he is. Yeah, you keep thinking there's a WWF job waiting for you, Buff. David manages a sunset flip attempt and Buff strikes a pose before breaking it up with a punch. David gets whipped into the corner... FLAIR FLIP!!! David goes up top and gets caught as Buff slams him down. Buff unloads the 10 punches of doom. David dances into center ring and hits the FLAIR FLOP! Buff rips David's shirt off and stands behind him, holding David's arm in various poses. But David hits a low blow! Now David gets some offense in. He dumps Buff out to the floor. Buff blocks going into the steps, but David slams him down. David pulls up the padding... and there's a "WHOOOOO". He tries a piledriver on the concrete, but Buff backdrops him onto the pulled up padding. Buff tries whipping David into the railing, but David reverses and Buff eats the steel. David grabs a chair and strikes the ringpost on a missed shot. He slides the chair inside and climbs in, but Buff crotches him on the ropes as he enters. Buff grabs the chair and nails David in the head, knocking him back outside. David's been busted open... that's it, I guess. David staggers back inside and is met with a BUFF BLOCKBUSTER! The ref sees the blood and calls for the bell. WAIT A MINUTE! Here's LEX LUGER in the ring! He and Buff embrace in a hug... and Lex clotheslines him down! OH MY GOD, A TURN BY LUGER, WHAT AN INCREDIBLE SWERVE! Lex takes Buff outside and rams him into the ringpost. David grabs the DNA kit and walks to Buff, who's apparently busted open. No, he's bleeding from the mouth. Smart move, Buff, why cut yourself?

Your winner: Buff Bagwell (match time: 5:34)

David heads backstage with Buff's DNA and meets the guys in lab coats, who take the slide and presumably go to run the tests, the results of which we'll learn sometime in the next 4 to 6 weeks. Say, there's GOLDBERG backstage!

PAMELA PAULSHOCK is standing by with Scott Steiner and Midajah. Count the artificial body parts! Steiner promises pain for Booker T later tonight.

COMMISSIONER CAT (with Ms. Jones - no relation) vs. IRON MIKE SANDERS (with the Perfect Event) in a kickboxing match for the Commissionership of WCW - Sanders enters with the bickering Perfect Event. I've read a few things raving about Sanders' skill on the mike, but it doesn't strike me as being anything but passable. It's just that in today's WCW, being average is better than normal. Like they say, in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king. Hey, look at that, Sanders has the stick! "Now... while you Las Vegas trailer trash have been...". Boos. "While you Las Vegas trailer trash have been spendin' your kids' college tuition in these damn casinos, I've been trainin'. I've been trainin' long and hard. So let me tell you somethin', Cat, this ain't gonna be no one round Tyson match. This ain't gonna be no Rumble in the Jungle. This ain't gonna be no Thrilla in Manilla. This is gonna be me dead in your ass." And here comes the Cat and Ms. Jones, and it looks like the Cat has a stick of his own. "Hey, cut that music off. Hey Mike, the people didn't come here to hear me talk, and I know they didn't come here to hear you talk. Bitch, I'm gonna kick yo' ass!" And Cat storms the ring, sending Sanders outside. We've got three two-minute rounds, says Tony. Here we go! Ooh, maybe Sanders will load his glove with water at the end! Or he'll spray it with some blinding substance! Round 1 is underway for about 30 seconds before any contact is made. Sanders swings a few times and Cat unloads a flurry, taking Sanders down with a kick. Mike's up at about 9. Cat comes in and lands a few more kicks with a final leg sweep putting Mike back down. Again, Mike's up at 9. 10 seconds are left and we get nothing to speak of to close out the round.

Perfect Event checks on Sanders while a somewhat unattractive ring girl holds the "Round 2" card.

Round 2 begins with more Cat dominance. Cat starts kicking out towards Stasiak and Palumbo and another legsweep takes Mike down about 30 seconds in. Yet again, Mike's up around the 9 count. Cat unloads some karate before doing the splits and hitting an uppercut to floor Sanders. Mike asks for the towel to be thrown in, but Stasiak refuses causing an argument between he and Palumbo. And so ends the round.

The ring girl is back. She doesn't even have a big rack. Who's relative is she? Sanders argues with his corner men like he's Andrew Golota. Stasiak and Palumbo exchange shoves. SHANE DOUGLAS has come out to join Mike's corner.

Round 3 is underway and Sanders can barely stand. The referee is outside with Perfect Event and Douglas despite the round having started. Sanders moves out of his corner and Cat nails a cartwheel kick to floor him. Shane encourages Mike to get up and Cat is all over him as soon as he stands. Palumbo hops onto the apron, distracting the referee, and Douglas nails the Cat with a chain around his fist. Cat is flat on his back. The ref counts. 7... 8... 9... Cat sits up slightly and the ref stops the count. The round ends two seconds later, ending the fight though the announcers think we'll keep going.

Sanders does the Andy Kauffman spinning arms attack and Cat superkicks him down, then slides outside and starts brawling with Shane Douglas. The gloves are off! Douglas eats the railing! The ref is counting for some reason... he calls for the bell. Sanders wins? HUH? The ref claims that Cat was COUNTED OUT? Holy shit, I'd need a calculator to figure out everything that's wrong with this.

Your winner by count-out (in a kickboxing match... after the match was over) and new WCW Commissioner: Mike Sanders (match time: 0:30 after the end of Round 3)

We jump right to Goldberg talking with the athletic commission suits backstage, who ask him if he's been feeling dizzy or experiencing any other ill effects. Goldberg says there's no way they'll stop him from wrestling.

And here's Mean Gene with Kronik, who say they'll get paid regardless of if the match happens. But if Goldberg can't wrestle, he loses on a forfeit and he's out of WCW. Oh no!

POOR MIKE AWESOME VS. VAM-PIE-RO - As Mike enters we see some clips of Vampiro taking an Awesome Bomb well over a month ago on Nitro. Vamp heads out wearing a Marilyn Manson like outfit. Clips of Vamp defeating Crowbar on Nitro are shown. Madden says Vamp has a sword with him, but I don't see it. Vamp tosses off his leather Manson attire and enters the ring. Now he's got the stick! "Yeah, I've come here to fight, I've come here to kick your ass, Mike Awesome. But besides that... not only am I gonna bring it, but you think you're such a tough guy, tomorrow night it's scheduled that you've got a championship match, cause you're just the big guy on the block right now. But how about tonight, if I beat you here in Las Vegas, why don't you put that title shot on the line, and if I kick your ass here tonight, I get that title shot, big guy." "I'm so confident that I can kick your ass, Vampiro, that I will give you that shot. If you beat me then you take over my title shot tomorrow on Monday Nitro!" And here we go! They exchange moves and Mike hits an AWESOME SHOULDERBLOCK that knocks Vamp to the floor. Vamp tries to come back in and Mike knocks him back to the apron. Mike dives over the top rope and knocks Vamp down! Awesome tries a whip and Vamp reverses to send Mike into the steel. Vamp rushes in and Mike tosses him over the railing, where Vamp knocks a security officer off her chair. They brawl into the crowd. Vamp grabs somebody's cane and smashes Mike with it. A fan jumps on Mike and gets stomped accordingly. They brawl back to ringside and Vamp hits a flying clothesline off the broadcast table. Stevie: "That son of a... just stepped on my hand, Tony!" Vamp rolls Mike inside and grabs himself a chair. He slides it inside and grabs a second chair. Mike grabs the first one and Vamp enters with his. DUELING CHAIRS! Mike drops his first but he ducks a big swing from Vamp. Mike tries to take advantage but Vamp tosses him the chair and kicks it into his face! Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Vamp puts Awesome against a corner and chops away on him. A big clothesline takes Mike down. Vamp tries a backdrop and Mike kicks him. Awesome goes upstairs! No, Vamp stops him and goes up to meet him. They're both standing on the top rope. TOP ROPE OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY!!! Vamp covers! 1, 2, kickout! Now Vamp goes up top. He goes for a whoopie cushion of sorts and knocks Mike flat, but Mike ends up making the cover for 2 as if he'd turned into a powerbomb. Awesome slides outside and pulls out a table, putting it inside the ring. He throws the table into Vamp. Vamp goes to the eyes to take the advantage. NAIL IN THE COFFIN! Now Vamp goes outside and starts looking under the ring... he inspects every side and doesn't seem to be finding what he's looking for. Vamp goes back in and eats an AWESOME CLOTHESLINE. Vamp slides outside to regroup and Mike follows him. SIT-OUT AWESOME BOMB ON THE FLOOR! 1, 2, kickout! They roll back inside and Mike goes up top. Vamp again is up to meet him... but Mike fights back. TOP ROPE AWESOME BOMB!!! 1, 2, 3! And Mike's hair is STILL looking swank, daddio.

My feed goes black again here, but...

Your winner: Mike Awesome (match time: 9:50)

We come back in the middle of a General Rection promo. He's back... or something. What happened to Gene's swearing gimmick?

Vampiro is still in the ring getting tended to by trainers. A replay shows the back of Vamp's head SMASH off the mat on the Awesome Bomb. In the immortal words of Bobby Heenan... that's whiplash, pal.

The winner of the WCW Master Card sweepstakes is here with his wife. Way to go, man.

MR. PERSONALITY LANCE STORM AND HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (with Major Hooters) VS. HUGE ERECTION for the WCW Canadian Championship - Lance and his entourage make their way into the ring. Damn, was turning Hacksaw a stupid ass idea. A "USA" chant fires up. "If I can be serious for a minute... I need your undivided attention. That little interview with General Rection almost brought a tear to my eye, because it's sad when a man can't admit he's beaten. He actually believes that 'never say die, win in the end' American propaganda. The fact is I can't be beat because I'm from CALGARY... Alberta, Canada. Tonight, Rection, you don't get the gold... you don't get the girl... all you get is the beating of your life. Show some class and rise for the Canadian national anthem." Stevie suggests Madden rise for the exercise. "God... keep our land... MISFITS... IN ACTION". Whoops, that's the MIA song interrupting things. It happens so much I'm starting to think it's part of the anthem. Here comes General Rection with a US flag, which he waves dramatically as if anybody cares. Hacksaw wants to keep his 2x4, but the ref won't allow it. "USA" chant fires up again, probably out of habit of seeing Hacksaw and the 2x4. There's the bell! Hugh and Duggan start it off. They exchange punches and Hugh clotheslines Hacksaw to the floor. Lance comes in and takes a BIG backdrop! Repeated clotheslines take Lance down and he rolls outside to regroup with Hacksaw. There's a shot of Major Gunns and her naughty parts. Lance comes back in and chops away at Hugh, who no sells everything. Now Lance gets chopped. 10 punches of doom on Storm... no, Lance counters into a reverse atomic drop! There's a tag to Hacksaw. He kicks Hugh a few times and tags Lance back in. Hugh backdrops Lance to the floor! Hacksaw is back in and Hugh bounces off the ropes, but Storm pulls down the top rope and Hugh crashes to the floor. Major Gunns watches on as Lance works Hugh over on the floor. Hugh is rolled back inside and Hacksaw unloads some punches. Hacksaw's style doesn't seem any different from when he was a face. He's even shouting "HOOOOO" every 10 seconds still. Hugh gets rammed into Storm's boot and Hacksaw tags out. There's a cover for 2. Hugh fights up to his feet and Lance hits a jawbreaker. There's a superkick! 1, 2, kickout. Tag to Hacksaw. Hugh takes some punches. There's the spinning slam! THREE POINT STANCE! And Hugh throws a clothesline himself! Both men are down! Gunns bounces on the outside. Hacksaw makes the tag and there's a sleeper on Hugh by Storm. After a few seconds Hugh counters it with a back suplex. Lance crawls over and tags Hacksaw. Hugh grabs Storm for another back suplex and Lance slips out, but he nails the incoming Duggan when Hugh ducks a flying forearm! Hugh hammers both men! Slam for Storm. Avalanche on Duggan. Storm attacks from behind... he tries the half crab and Hugh kicks him off into the ropes. Powerslam on Storm! Duggan tries to break it up and ends up stomping Lance. Hugh kneelifts Hacksaw and makes a cover. 1, 2, Storm pulls him up. Storm runs the ropes as Hugh AND the referee drop down and the ref ends up getting bumped. Everybody's down but Hacksaw. Piledriver on Hugh! Hacksaw covers... but there's no ref. Hacksaw counts himself and the ref crawls over. 1, 2, kickout. And Hacksaw lands on the ref. Here's NOT REALLY CANADIAN ELIX SKIPPER running down with a 2x4. But Major Gunns wacks him with the flagpole! He falls to the floor! She grabs the 2x4 and Lance takes it from her. He tries to go back inside and Gunns pulls him off the apron. Lance yells at her as they back up the aisle... and Hacksaw has the board! A shot misses... Rection with a side Russian leg sweep! He goes up... MOONSAULT!! 1, 2, 3! Lance is in a second too late. And the moonsault didn't really hit either, but what can you do? The rest of MIA is in to celebrate the win with Hugh and Major Gunns. Hey, now that he's got the second highest title in the company, this would be a good time to ditch the "Hugh G. Rection" crap.

Your winner and new United States champion: General Rection (match time: 10:08)

We cut to the commentators as Tony and Stevie applaud Hugh's victory. Someone has put a shirt ON Major Gunns. What the HELL is that about?

Next month... it's MAYHEM! The ad focuses around Scott Steiner, but since this is WCW we know that doesn't mean anything. Or is Sting still undergoing some massive transformation tonight that we'll have to see to believe?

Pamela stands by with Jeff Jarrett, who promises a surprise of sorts for Sting. Kick his ass, Jeff!

A video package details the Sting/Jarrett feud.

WCW'S LORD AND SAVIOR JEFF JARRETT (with gee-tar) VS. REVEREND STING - "Cho-cho-chosen one!" Okay, now things will get good. Can you believe it's been a year since Jeff jumped? He makes his entrance without incident. Sting comes out in the same old outfit. He enters the ring and climbs the corners while Jarrett stands on the outside. Jeff shouts something to the announcers and Sting attacks from behind! There's a chairshot to the back! They brawl into the aisle and Jarrett gets dropped across the railing. Sting rolls him inside... STINGER SPLASH!! He runs Jeff into the opposite corner and tries ANOTHER Splash... Jeff moves, but Sting stops himself! Reverse atomic drop! Clothesline to the floor! We hear a painful sounding "OWWWWWW!"... and there's someone at the entrance. It's 80'S SURFER STING! Sting walks up the aisle to meet him and they brawl! Sting hammers the fake up the ramp and gives him a Deathdrop! Why isn't Sting wondering how his old outfits are getting into the hands of his enemies? Jarrett rushes up and attacks Sting and they brawl in the aisle. Sting whips Jeff into the railing and they fight into the crowd. Wait... here's EARLY 90'S DRUM MAJOR STING coming through the fans! Sting suplexes Jarrett on the floor and the fake Sting tries to attack, but Sting hammers him back to ringside. They enter the ring and fake Sting gets some shots in, but Sting throws him over the top! Madden points out that in the time this fake Sting is from, throwing someone over the top was a DQ. Sting hammers the fake back up the ramp and gives HIM a Deathdrop as Jarrett watches on from the ring. Sting heads back down and climbs back inside the ring.. and the Wolfpack theme starts up! IT'S WOLFPACK STING! OH MY GOD, NO! Red Sting heads down the aisle slapping hands and Sting attacks him. Sting grabs the fake's bat and beats him up the aisle with it. He pulls Lobster Boy up the ramp and there's another Deathdrop! Jarrett grabs the bat and nails Sting! There's another shot! Jarrett hits a suplex on the stage! He drags Sting back down the aisle, bouncing him off the railing a few times as they go. Jeff's got a chair! He jams it into Sting's gut! Tony calls This Sting's "most important battle". Uh, okay. They go back inside the ring and Jeff covers for a 2 count. There's a sleeper on Sting. How many sleepers is that tonight? Sting slumps down to the mat and the ref grabs the arm. It drops once... twice... but not three! No, sir! Sting fights up to his feet and breaks the sleeper, then applies one of his own. Jarrett breaks it with a back suplex. Both men are down! Jarrett covers. 1, 2, kickout! Jeff tries a punch and Sting blocks and unloads. A turnbuckle ram by Jeff has no effect. Sting's hulking up! A right sends Jarrett down! So does a second right! Jeff tries a dropkick and Sting holds the ropes. SCORPION DEATHLOCK... and somebody comes up through the ring! It's CROW STING! He pulls Sting down through the hole and STRAIGHT TO HELL!!! What, no smoke? Sting pops back up with the fake, who's now bloody. Sting tosses the fake outside... STINGER SPLASH ON JARRETT!! There's ANOTHER Stinger Splash! Sting goes for a Deathdrop and Jarrett grabs the top rope... AND THE LIGHTS GO OUT!! ANOTHER CROW STING is repelling from the rafters! Sting goes outside and attacks him, knocking his wig off and revealing that it's a fat bald guy. Sting pulls him up onto the broadcast table... SCORPION DEATHDROP THROUGH THE TABLE!!! Sting goes back inside and there's the Deathlock on Jarrett... no, the bloody Crow Sting has a guitar! EL KABONG ON STING!! But Sting no sells! DEATHDROP ON CROW STING! Now JEFF has a guitar! EL KABONG!!! Sting sells THIS one! 1, 2, 3!! JARRETT WINS! JARRETT WINS! He celebrates his win as some refs run down to tend to Sting.

Your winner: Jeff Jarrett (match time: 14:38)

Pamela talks with Booker T, who says he'll have his match first to buy Goldberg some time. Say huh?

A video package hypes Booker and Steiner.

We see some replays from the just concluded match and the involvement of the final two Stings. So why can Sting shrug off the first guitar shot and not the second?

THE ROCK VS. PILL POPPER PUMP (with The Lovely Midajah) for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Our pal MICHAEL BUFFER is back for the intros. Isn't his 15 minutes up YET? Booker comes out first because tradition is for suckers. Steiner's music hits... and there's no Steiner. We go backstage where Steiner is demanding to know why Booker's in the ring. RICKY SANTANA informs him that the match is now and Steiner chokes him down before heading out. Scott has his Knights of the Round Table headgear on and Midajah has a pipe in hand. Steiner poses and then goes outside to badmouth Stevie Ray and the fans. He comes back inside and we're underway! Booker claps to get the fans behind him. Scott backs him into a corner. Booker ducks a punch and backs away. They lock up and Booker puts on a hammerlock... and Steiner FLOORS him with an elbow to the chops! Steiner works the champ over. Booker reverses a whip and elbows Scott. Flying forearm by Booker! 1, 2, kickout. Steiner rolls outside and ends up hopping the railing to go after a fan. Security brings him back in and he goes back in the ring and attacks. Lots of big punches and kicks put Booker down. Booker leapfrogs a charge and hits a spinning roundhouse kick! A clothesline puts Scott down and Booker covers for 2. There's the 10 punches of doom! "AHHHHHHH!!!" Booker swings at Midajah and Steiner clotheslines him out to the floor. He follows and whips Booker into the railing. Chairshot to the back! Steiner dumps Booker over the railing and they brawl in the crowd. Scott throws Booker back to ringside and continues hammering him. There's now an ordinary table set up in front of the broadcasters and Steiner slams Booker through it! Stevie Ray: "Tony, that's our last table that we have!" Yes, Stevie, never mind that YOUR BROTHER was just put through it. Steiner talks trash to Stevie as Booker tries to recover. Scott rolls Booker back inside and hits a Steinerline! There's an elbowdrop and a cover. 1, 2, kickout. Steiner puts a surfboard on Booker. Steiner shouts at Stevie while he stretches Booker. But Booker fights back up! He hits a Rude Awakening! Knee to the gut... Steiner counters the ax kick with a Steinerline! There's a snot rocket from Steiner. He puts Booker onto the top rope and climbs up to meet him. SAMOAN DROP off the second rope!! Scott does some push-ups while Midajah cheers while kneeling on the apron. Steiner pulls Booker up and works him over some more. Booker blocks a turnbuckle ram and Steiner hits a low kick. SPINNING BELLY TO BELLY! 1, 2, kickout! Scott rushes Booker and Booker leapfrogs, causing Scott to fall to the floor. Booker follows and whips Steiner into the railing... but Scott bounces off and clotheslines Booker down. They roll back in and Steiner unloads more shots. Booker turns a corner charge into a sunset flip! 1, 2, kickout! A savat kick takes Steiner down. Booker goes up top! Steiner nails him and climbs up to meet him. Booker knocks Scott back down... and Midajah trips Booker, crotching him on the top! WOO, look at those melons! Steiner climbs up again and Booker knocks him off. MISSILE DROPKICK! 1, 2, kickout! There's a knee to the gut... AX KICK! Steiner rolls over to the ropes and Midajah hands him the pipe. He NAILS Booker with it! And then he attacks Charles Robinson! What the hell? There's a double underhook powerbomb on Booker. STEINER RECLINER... but there's no referee. Another ref comes in and gets T-boned. Scott goes back to the Recliner as Midajah comes in. A third ref comes in and calls for the bell and Steiner nails him with the pipe. A DQ finish? Are you kidding me? Security guys rush in and they all get wacked. Steiner goes outside and grabs a chair, which he smashes Booker with a few times. Steiner gets in Stevie's face and here's JEFF JARRETT to try calming Scott down. Steiner poses to boos from the crowd. He grabs the pipe and gets a few more shots in on various people as he leaves. Trainers check on Booker.

Your winner by DQ and still WCW World Champion: Booker T (match time: 13:23)

We jump to a video package of Kronik and Goldberg. So this means that KRONIK is in the main event? Oy.

WCW ADVOCATES ILLEGAL DRUG USE VS. WILLY GOLDBERG in a handicap match - Kronik makes their entrance without incident. Madden mentions Mike Awesome's title shot on Nitro and Booker's bad condition after the beating he just took. Bryan Adams has the stick, lord help us. "All the hype... all the build-up... for nothin'. You can chant 'Goldberg' all you want. He hasn't been cleared to wrestle, there'll be no match tonight. We told Goldberg we'd beat 'im... now you people will never know exactly who would have won, will ya? So chant 'Goldberg' all you want. There is no match. Ref? Play our damn music and raise our hands." Their music starts again and the ref raises their arms. Okay, good night, everybody. Wait, here's DR. NOT SEAN CONNERY and the other suits backstage telling security that they've cleared Goldberg. What, he magically got better in the last half hour? Goldberg's music starts and we get the lengthy entrance. He finally enters the arena and runs into the ring, where Kronik attacks. Adams gets tossed aside but he hops up and they continue hammering Goldberg. They toss him to the floor and follow him out, still pounding on him. Yawn. Goldberg gets rolled back inside and Kronik hits a double shoulder block. Adams goes outside and pulls a table out from under the ring. Stevie points out that they have no table as Wrath hits a DDT back inside the ring. Kronik leans the table against a corner and they prepare for a High Times... but Goldberg fights back. Adams goes outside the ring. A half-spear puts Wrath through the table. 1, 2, 3. (2:26) Goldberg's up to 13-0. Adams comes back in and attacks. Full Nelson slam! 1, 2, kickout. Goldberg reverses a whip... there's a spear. Jackhammer. 1, 2, 3. Now he's 14-0. Only 162 more to go! We quickly fade out. Watch Nitro!

Your winner: Goldberg (match time: 3:43)

FINAL THOUGHT:

As I was watching this, I couldn't help wondering one thing: what the hell is WCW going to do for Starrcade? I can't see ONE big money match that's left for them. The leading choice has to be Steiner vs. Goldberg, but not only have they already done that on PPV and on free TV (to less than impressive ratings), it ought to get a little more build-up than one month if Steiner happens to win the belt at Mayhem. And that's not even factoring in that Goldberg has another 160 some wins to go before he can get a title match in the storyline.

Goldberg's stock has sunk like a stone since his ill-advised heel turn, as he's back to squashing mid-carders to try building heat, and Steiner isn't even a strong heel. The fans treat him like a tweener. An epic babyface vs. heel battle is always a good way to generate interest, and aside from bringing Russo back to finally lose to Goldberg or Flair, I don't think WCW has such a match to go to the way they're currently structured.

As for the show, it was a mediocre effort at best. The opening match was quite good, but it went downhill from there. Jarrett/Sting was... interesting. If the world title match had ended with some sort of finish, it would have been better. And ending with a Goldberg squash just doesn't work like it did 2 years ago.

Somebody needs to buy this damn company already and get them on some sort of solid track. This lame duck period may end up killing off viewers to the point that, when new owners do come in, nobody will care enough to watch.

And assuming there IS still something to watch, I'll see you next month. Adios!