My name is Chris Jones and this is YOUR WCW Mayhem recap! Mayhem... the name that's so great, we used it for our video game... and our CD... and our pay-per-view! And probably our movie if our deal with Michael Buffer falls through!

Before we get going, a few comments from me. I don't care WHAT any other people on this site have promised you, you can't come asking ME for naked pictures if someone else doesn't deliver. ONE TIME I provided a picture of a female's nipple. But that incident aside, I am not your hook-up nor your big bad booty daddy. I will neither send you pictures or point you towards any. Jeez, they aren't THAT hard to find! And to whoever's promising naked pictures, let's hop to it! And hey, e-mail me once they're up.

Thanks to everyone who gave me detailed answers on my Jay and Silent Bob question. But in all the mail I've received, I haven't gotten many answers to my "where can I find a site that makes decent images of the shows?" question. I got TONS of suggestions about my entrance theme search, so maybe there just aren't that many good sites out there?

An opening video package nicely recaps the world title tournament, which has boiled down to Bret Hart, Sting, Chris Benoit, and Jeff Jarrett. Who's YOUR money on?

THIS is WCW! And we still use this weird logo even though it was probably Bischoff's idea!

A second video package focuses on the final four, just in case we didn't catch who they are in the other clips. Boy, has Bret had ONE win without interference in this tournament?

We fade in to the Air Canada Center (or "Centre", if you're nasty) where we're LIVE from Toronto, Ontario! My feed gets the Spanish broadcast for the first 5 seconds, but things get fixed just in time for me to hear Tony proclaim that this is WCW's FIRST pay-per-view in Canada! And only 9 and ½ years after the WWF, too!

We're taken to our hosts for tonight's festivities, TONY "B-TEAM" SCHIAVONE & BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN, who hype the final four AGAIN as if we haven't gotten it by now. Also tonight... OTHER MATCHES! Goldberg meets Sid in an I Quit match! The crowd chants "We Want Bret". Kimberly meets David Flair, Curt Hennig faces Buff Bagwell in a loser is forced to leave match, and a 6-person tag with Saturn, Malenko, and Asya against Torrie Wilson... andkidmanandeddie. Plus, the Powers That Be have declared that Rick Steiner MUST face Scott Hall despite his injures. Lucky us! All this and SO MUCH MORE! Let's not waste any more precious time!

MY HERO, JEFF JARRETT (with gee-tar, without puppies) vs. CHRIS BENWAA in the Semi-Final round of the WCW World Title Tournament - Tony hypes the incredible "12 match" card as Jarrett enters. Considering that Kimberly vs. David Flair is part of the line-up, using the word "matches" is being a little loose with the lingo, no? Jarrett climbs in the ring and gets PYRO! SHIT YES! Benoit enters to new and pointless music, getting a big pop from the crowd. Why? 'Cause he's Canadian! The bell sounds and we start quickly! Jarrett hits a drop-toe hold early and slaps Benoit in the back of the head. Chris hops up and hits multiple chops, then a Tornado DDT! A cover only gets him 2. Jarrett gets hit with a reverse atomic drop and a Rude Awakening for another 2 count. Benoit puts Jeff on the top rope. SUPERPLEX! 1, 2, Jarrett's out! Jeff goes outside and a baseball slide from Benoit misses. They brawl around ringside and Jarrett hits his "Double Head Ram" into the ringpost, then drops Benoit across the guard rail. They roll back inside and Jarrett hits a powerslam for a 2 count! Jarrett with a vertical suplex for another 2. They trade pin attempts that end with Jarrett scoring another 2 count. They stand and Jeff hooks on a sleeper. A "We Want Puppies" sign in the front row has been taunting Jarrett the entire match. Benoit's arm drops once... twice... but not three! No, sir! Benoit fights to his feet and breaks free of the move, then gets his own sleeper! But Jarrett counters with a jawbreaker! "Benoit" chant breaks out. Bobby comments on how Jarrett is the superior wrestler, pretty much calling him the greatest wrestler alive in the process. I shall not argue! They both stand and Benoit takes the advantage. German suplex! A second! A third with a bridge! 1, 2, no! Boos ring out... here comes JACOB and ELI to ringside. Jarrett drops Benoit stomach-first on the top rope and it springs Benoit to the floor. The suits and Jarrett tell the ref to count Benoit out, but then Jarrett goes out and throws Benoit inside. Jeff pulls out his "big match only" top rope crossbody, but Benoit rolls through it for 2. Benoit blocks a sunset flip into a pin for another 2. Belly to Back suplex from Benoit... and it's the thumb across the throat! Swandive connects! 1, 2, one of the suits pulls Benoit out! One distracts the ref while the other puts the boots to Benoit. Yeah, get him! Jarrett hits the "Stroke"... but here's GOLD-DUSTIN to spoil all the fun! Jarrett covers and Dustin pulls HIM out. One suit brawls with Dustin as the other collides with Jarrett on the apron, putting the guitar in the ring. Jarrett grabs it but Benoit takes it away... and smashes it on Jarrett! Not fair, not fair! But the ref counts... 1, 2, 3! Damn it! Jeff and the suits do a number on Benoit after the match while security tries to pull them apart. I notice Jarrett's been busted open from the guitar shot as they leave. The crowd chants "Jarrett Sucks!", ensuring Jeff the "Ken Shamrock heel pop" every time he wrestles in Canada from here on out. Unfortunately, it'll probably be three years before WCW comes back.

Your winner, advancing into the finals: Chris Benoit (match time: 9:29)

Hold on... if Jarrett's in with these new writers, who once made Buff Bagwell lose to La Parka, why didn't they write it so Jarrett won the match? I'm so confused!

Mike Tenay is backstage with Disco Inferno, who's defending his Cruiserweight title and $25,000 tonight. Disco's wearing a brightly colored cowboy hat, making me think of Randy Savage and then wonder what happened to that torch he's supposed to pass. Disco speculates on how much money he could get for the belt... and Jeff Jarrett and the suits jump him as they come through the entrance! Disco gets a beat down as a few wrestlers (Konnan! A Misfit!) pull Jarrett off.

DISCO INFERNO vs. IVAN COURAGEOUS (with Madusa and her massive implants) for the WCW Cruiserweight championship - Evan and Madusa walk down HOLDING HANDS to pound in the fact that they're an "item". Madusa's wearing a feathered top on that doesn't cover enough of her chest for my liking. Wasn't she supposed to be ANTI sex-appeal? Wait, even WITH the revealing outfits Madusa's still not appealing... although I'm sure that's not quite what they're going for. They zoom in on a "What Canadians Watch" sign... Canada doesn't equal many ratings points, eh? Backstage, Disco is being helped up by TONY MARINARA. Lordy, Russo's from New York and that's the best Italian name he could come up with? Tony mentions something about Disco's life depending on this as he follows Disco to ringside. Evan runs out and jumps Disco in the aisle. It's a brawl! The bell rings despite neither man being in the ring. Evan throws Disco inside as Tony joins the broadcast table, doing an Italian impression that makes Tommy Rich look like Marlon Brando. The crowd chants "We Want Puppies"... God help us all. Evan manages a two count from a few pin attempts. The match is secondary to the commentary, so I'll just pick up the highlights. Skinny Italian Tony (as opposed to Fat American Tony) says his father sent him to collect Disco's debts. If Tommy Rich IS the dad, this will be the GREATEST ANGLE EVER! The commentators tap dance around Disco being murdered if he doesn't pay back the debts as Evan hits a springboard off the top rope. The crowd could care less as neither of these two are Canadian. Italian Tony's going to "bring the muscle" if Disco doesn't pay. Disco regains control and dances at Madusa. She must be REAL tight with Russo to get the "I'm a hot chick" push. Disco hits a clothesline to floor Evan. Disco bet on Duke to rack up his debt, if you're curious. Side Russian Leg Sweep by Disco. Disco blows a kiss to Madusa and hits a second rope elbow. Evan gets tossed over the top to the floor. Madusa waddles around to help him up. Disco tries an axhandle off the apron but gets hit with a dropkick! Evan throws Disco back in but only gets a 2 count. Bobby speculates that one could get upwards of $50,000 for a WCW title belt. "Boring" chants ring out. Disco hits a DDT and goes out to hit on Madusa. She POPS him one across the face and Evan lowers the boom from the apron. Italian Tony walks over to Madusa and tries... something. Evan pounds on Disco inside the ring, but then leaves the ring and grabs Tony for ogling Madusa. Disco grabs a chair and hits Tony by accident! Evan throws Disco in and hits a springboard crossbody! 1, 2, 3! Evan wins a title and $25,000... but the REAL story is Disco taking out the weenie mob guy! Evan and Madusa appear to kiss, but thankfully we don't get a good look. Disco carries Tony backstage.

Your winner and new Cruiserweight champion: Evan Karagias (match time: 8:00)

Here's Bret Hart! And he's... dare I say... WALKING! Whatever you do, even though this is a pay-per-view and you're locked in for 3 hours, don't touch that dial!

Vince Russo's hand chews out Jeff Jarrett while the suits stand by and watch. Russo gave Jeff "every chance" to become the champion. Can someone tell me why he didn't just WRITE that Jarrett win? Haven't we established that he's one of the new WRITERS? Jarrett, who works the word "yankee" in 5 or 6 times, has tonight to prove himself to Russo or the favors are over. Boy, have they come along way from the WWF Magazine stories where Russo would complain about Jeff waking him up at 3 in the morning to say "Vince-e baby? It's Jeff Jarrett! That's J...E... Double F...".

Mean Gene's standing by with Nor-man Smi-lay, who's on-screen appearance draws a crowd pop. See, he's from England and there was one guy in the Hart Foundation from England, so logic dictates that Canada likes Norman. It's either that or Norman is just plain over... but everything is geographical with these people. (And don't write me letters... I can say "these people" because I once met a Canadian and as such, I'm now able to comment on them as a whole. They're really not that different from you and I. I'm kidding, of course. Canadians are so sensitive!) Norman's dressed in hockey gear, complete with padding, and discusses being the consummate hardcore athlete in WCW before an off-screen clanging causes him to scream in terror. Norman RULES!

THE HARDCORE WARRIOR NORMAN SMILEY (with Maple Leafs jersey) vs. NASTY BRIAN KNOBS (with Jimmy Hart and cart o' plunder) for the vacant WCW Hardcore Championship - My question... look how bad Russo and Ferrara handled the WWF's hardcore division. Why do we need one in WCW? Knobs enters and he and Jimmy throw objects from the plunder cart into the ring. Norman makes his way down and has trouble putting on a metal goalie mask with his gloves on. An up-close look at the Hardcore title belt shows that it features ECW-like lettering. Knobs rushes Norman with a broom and the bell sounds! Norman gets the mask pulled off right away, making all that effort to get it on for nothing. Knobs with a trash can to the head! And another! Then a trash can lid! I think I hear an "ECW" chant. Knobs breaks the broom on Norman's padded chest. Jimmy Hart throws a trash can into the ring and Norman pulls it out of the air with one hand, then waylays Knobs with it. He stuffs Knobs into the can and smashes it with a hockey stick. Another can shot! Knobs goes back inside... another stick shot to the can! Then a shot to Knobs with the stick! Norman slaps Knobs up but Brian escapes before Norman does him in the butt. Knobs with a trash can shot on Norman! Knobs starts stripping the shin guards off Norman's legs. Norman fights back with the trash can lid and rolls outside, where Jimmy Hart leaps on his back. Norm dumps Jimmy off but gets hit with a flying trash can from Knobs. They begin brawling up the aisle with Norman's screaming slightly audible. They disappear backstage and Norman finds a chair, lowering the boom on Knobs. Norman finds a broom and gets in another shot, but Knobs finds the trusty trash can and knocks Norman flat. Knobs sets a table up against a wall and hurls Norman into it. Tony claims this match is "hard to watch" because of all the brutality. Well, he's partly right. Knobs finds a crutch and smashes it on Norman's back, then he throws Norman into a stack of cardboard boxes and smashes him with a carton of milk. Norman screams and the crowd cheers it. Norman gets tossed into more boxes, then screams, and the crowd cheers. They fight into an area that looks like a Sam's Club, as Jimmy Hart dumps food off the shelves. They fight into an elevator where Norman sits on Knobs, pounding away. Jimmy tries using a trash can but he hits the elevator doors as they close. Jimmy hits the button, the doors re-open, and... of course... Knobs is now on top and Jimmy hits HIM with the can. Norman stumbles out and covers. 1, 2, 3! Norman starts doing the wiggle but gets a trash can to the head. Knobs grabs Jimmy and hurls him into a stack of HAMBURGER BUNS!! No, not the buns! Norman gets tossed in also, then Knobs nails them both with the trash can lid before walking off. Did that belt say "Hardcore Wrestling" or "Comedy Wrestling" champion?

Your winner and new Hardcore Champion: Norman Smiley (match time: 7:27)

Video packages recap the Revolution/Filthy Animals feud.

Mike Tenay is backstage with the Revolution. Tenay wonders what will happen if Asya ends up by herself... this is a Survivor Series type match, I guess. Douglas wonders what will happen to the Animals' marketability if Asya beats them all herself, or what will happen if Torrie ends up against one of the Revolution. Saturn interrupts Malenko to ramble about dinosaurs. Okay.

Now Mean Gene's shooting the breeze with the Filthy Animals, minus Rey Rey. Konnan "speaks on dis" but says nothing worth repeating. Kidman claims Torrie will rip off the Revolution's units and use them as toothpicks if she has to. So she likes having units in her mouth? That's good to know. Torrie isn't afraid and she hopes Asya gets in her face.

Disco tries to explain things to Tony Marinara, but Tony isn't listening. Tomorrow he's bringin' da boys! Oh NO!

Jeff Jarrett stalks around with a 2x4 and Creative Control following him. He must be off to join Jim Duggan! Or wage a one man battle against the Nation! Or join the UNION!

DEAN MALENKO, PERRY SATURN, & ASYA (with Dean Douglas) vs. KIDMAN, EDDIE, & TORRIE WILSON'S RACK in a 6-person elimination tag match - Torrie's in a red outfit that isn't showing off much, damn it all to hell. The Animals rush into the ring and we're underway! Everybody but Torrie brawls. Kidman and Eddie lay out Asya. Shane Douglas joins the commentators and proceeds to be three times more entertaining than Tony OR Bobby have been so far. Dean and Eddie stay in the ring and wrestle to "Torrie" chants. They end up outside where Saturn hits an Asai moonsault on both guys. Kidman dives off the top onto Saturn. Shane calls Malenko "the shooter" as Dean gets poked with some fan's Canadian flag. Dean rushes the guy and security takes him off. Ha! Asya and Torrie are squaring off in the ring! Kidman tries to sneak up on Asya but he eats a clothesline! Torrie rushes in on the distracted Asya and pulls her down by the hair, then slowly rams her head into the mat. As Asya reverses things, Kidman pulls her off and hits a Sky High. Torrie fakes an ankle injury. Shane: "Welcome to the game, Barbie doll!" Eddie checks on Torrie, cause he's a gentleman, but Kidman tries pushing his way in. Eddie shoves Kidman off and Malenko rolls Billy up! 1, 2, 3! Kidman is eliminated! (2:56)

The Revolution's music plays even though the match isn't over. Kidman gets in Eddie's face and they have a shoving contest, bringing an "Eddie" chant from the fans. Take him out, Eddie! Kidman finally walks off and Eddie gets nailed by Dean and Saturn. Dean hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, holding Eddie across his knee so Saturn can hit a top rope kneedrop! YES! Saturn tags Asya and they level Eddie. Tony shouts that Konnan has also left with Kidman, abandoning the team, ignoring the fact that Konnan ISN'T IN THE MATCH. Asya hits a Bulldog-like delayed suplex for a 2 count! Tag to Dean. Eddie flips out of a few suplex attempts, dropkicks Dean, and hits a Frankensteiner into a pin! 1, 2, 3! Malenko is eliminated! (5:03)

Saturn rushes in and drops Eddie on the top rope. Torrie has dropped to the floor to cheer Eddie on. Saturn tags Asya, who dominates Eddie a bit. Sign in the front row, directly in camera view: "Who Booked This Crap?" Someone hasn't been paying attention! Asya holds Eddie for a Saturn superkick, but Eddie moves aside and Asya gets nailed. Eddie throws Saturn outside and goes to the top! Frog Splash! 1, 2, 3! Asya is eliminated. (6:29)

Saturn hooks on a sleeper. Eddie breaks out and Saturn re-applies it. Shane proves to be FREAKING GOLDEN on commentary as he describes how Saturn has the hold applied and compliments Eddie for shifting his weight to take pressure off the artery. Eddie gets a sleeper of his own that Saturn quickly escapes from. It could be "Eddie", "Perry", or "Torrie"... but I swear the crowd is chanting "Rocky". Saturn tries a springboard but Eddie meets him with a dropkick. Tornado DDT by Eddie! 1, 2, no! Saturn does a leapfrog and catches Eddie with the DVD! 1, 2, Eddie escapes! Douglas SCREAMS so loud about a slow count that Torrie looks over at him. Saturn to the top... elbowdrop misses! Eddie crawls to Torrie but remembers that she's inured. Frankensteiner on Saturn! Eddie goes to the top! Saturn makes it to his feet. Crossbody by Eddie... Saturn rolls through! Well, he tries, but Eddie's stomach stays on the mat... so Saturn puts on the RINGS OF SATURN! Shit, if that was an ad-lib, Saturn RULES! Eddie gives it up! (10:17)

Torrie's all by herself! She slowly climbs into the ring and Saturn grabs her, pulling her backwards by her hair. Torrie seems to shove her ass back into Saturn before throwing her leg back for a low blow! She covers! Oh, NO WAY! 1, 2, Saturn escapes! Whew! Douglas leaps onto the apron and distracts the ref and SATURN hits a low blow! Torrie crumples to the mat and Saturn covers! 1, 2, 3! My God, Torrie has TESTICLES! Ugh! Puke! Blech!

Your winner: Perry Saturn (match time: 11:15)

We quickly cut away to Jeff Jarrett and the suits doing a number on Buff Bagwell! Yeah! Get him! Where's the 2x4?

DOUBLE J CURT HENNIG vs. BUFF BAGWELL (with some stuff) in a Loser Must Retire match - The wide shot of the crowd before the entrances show Torrie and the referee just now leaving the ring. Poor Curt... from "loser leaves" matches with Ric Flair to "loser is forced into retirement" matches with Marcus freaking Bagwell. As Hennig enters we see clips of his recent matches where anything BUT Hennig being pinned has happened. Bagwell's music starts but quickly fades out. He doesn't want to job again! Somebody find Jim Duggan! No wait, here's his music again. But it's THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE JEFF JARRETT, SKULL, & 8-BALL on their way out! One of the suits rolls inside the ring and Hennig puts the boots to him! But it's 3 on 1! Finally, Hennig pays for the gimmick infringement he committed against Jarrett! GET HIM! Bah, here comes Buff with the 2x4 to chase everyone away. Hennig nails Buff from behind and puts the boots to him! Bobby: "(Hennig's) career is on the line!" Tony: "But Buff Bagwell's career is too, Brain, we can't forget ---" Bobby: "Who cares about Bagwell?!" Truer words were never spoken. Hennig chokes Buff as Tony says the forbidden phrase "Double J Jeff Jarrett". I smell a lawsuit! They brawl outside the ring as a "Perfect" chant starts up. Hennig throws Buff back inside but gets shot off the apron into the guardrail. Buff knocks Curt around ringside and Hennig kicks him low. Hennig chokes Bagwell with whatever Buff's stupid enough to wear around his neck. They go back inside and Buff takes the advantage. He rushes Hennig in the corner and eats a boot as Bobby speculates that Buff could be a male dancer (again) if he loses. Hennig slaps on a hold of some sort, but Buff gets to the ropes. Hennig does his "legdrop to the stomach, kip up" bit that Bret Hart eventually turned into the Sharpshooter at SummerSlam 91. Buff, needless to say, doesn't do that. Hennig applies the 43rd sleeper hold of the show. Again, neither of these guys are from Canada so the "boring" chants start up. But if it's between "boring" and WWF wrestler names, I'd take the boring chant. Buff fights out of the sleeper, but Hennig hooks it back on. Curt hits a bodyslam and elbowdrop for a 2 count. Hey, I just thought of something... Hennig's supposed to be at the house show I'm going to in 2 weeks. He better not lose this! I haven't seen him live since 1990. Bagwell regains the advantage and hits a slam, then dances like a jackass. Hennig with a small package for 2. He shoots Bagwell into a corner, rushes in and gets met with a boot, and Bagwell hops to the middle rope! Buff Blockbuster! 1, 2, 3! Aw, shit. Bobby is rightfully disturbed by the turn of events. Tony says this is "the last time we'll see this legend in this business". Riiiight, Tony. Like he wouldn't pop up on Raw if WCW was done with him. Hennig rises to his feet and gets a good hand from the crowd.

Your winner: Buff Bagwell (match time: 8:14)

Mike Tenay is backstage with Sting. This may be Canada, but it's still showtime!

ONE MESSED UP MOFO BRET HART (with Gretzky jersey) vs. STING in the Semi-Final round of the WCW World Title Tournament - Bret's music doesn't get much of a crowd reaction until Bret himself appears, and unless it's one of those roars that doesn't come across well unless you're there, I'd say Benoit's pop earlier was louder. And I won't even comment on Bret wearing a cheap-heat getting jersey in CANADA. A fan waves the Owen 3:16 shirt. I guess that pesky broken ankle isn't bothering Bret anymore. Sting gets a LOUD round of boos, cause he's not from Canada, you see. He enters and the bell sounds! Sign in crowd: "This one's for Owen". Why is THIS one for Owen? A shoving match turns into a brawl that Bret wins by fighting dirty. The crowd cheers anyway cause Bret's from Canada. They go outside and Sting eats the railing a few times. Back inside, Bret continues the beating. Sting goes to the eyes and gets the advantage. Both guys are already doing the "sports entertainment" selling of acting like they've been going at it for 20 minutes. Bret hits a suplex for a 2 count. Sting with a low blow. His "Wooooo!" call draws boos. Sting applies what looks like ANOTHER sleeper. Bret fights out but Sting drops him with a knee to the gut. He throws Bret outside and dumps him on the broadcaster's table. Sting gets a running start... Stinger Splash misses! TLC and Destiny's Child are lesbians, says a ringside sign. Back in the ring, Sting eats a boot to the face and Bret goes to the TOP! He dives off onto Sting AND the referee, who gets knocked down. Quick! Put on the Deathlock, Sting! It'll be Survivor Series all over again! Wait, here comes THE TOTAL NARCISSIST & LIZBET to the ring! Elizabeth is jogging and bouncing but the camera pans to Luger?! Come ON! Luger grabs Sting's bat from ringside and nails STING with it! The crowd cheers the heel Luger because he hit the guy not from Canada. Bret stands and takes the bat from Luger, then kicks Lex in the nuts and hits him in the throat with the bat. Sharpshooter on Luger! Lex taps out even though, you know, he's not wrestling. The referee stands and calls for the bell... BRET wins by DQ? Uh, didn't STING get hit with the bat? Bret's a hero who fights dirty, kicks people in the nuts, and calls guys "pussies", so you can bet he doesn't want to win like this. Bret wants the match restarted... well SURE, Bret didn't get hit with the bat! It's restarted and Bret goes after Sting, who's limping around from the bat shot. Side Russian Leg Sweep! Backbreaker! Elbow from the second rope... no, Sting raises a boot! Sting to Bret's legs... SCORPION DEATHLOCK!!! Bret punches Sting's injured leg and reverses it. SHARPSHOOTER! Sting taps out! Tony: "He won the way HE wanted to win!" And isn't that what it's all about? Bobby says this has to be the biggest win of Bret's life about an hour too early. Bret goes to leave and Sting calls him back inside for a handshake and a half-hug.

Your winner, advancing into the finals: Bret Hart (match time: 9:20)

Mean Gene is backstage with Chris Benoit. Bret's going to have to prove he's the best there is, will... ah hell, however that thing goes.

Mike Tenay is standing by with a cervical collar wearing Lex Luger and Elizabeth. Luger's in serious pain from the bat shot Bret gave him and the collar is keeping his spine in line. Lex can't wrestle tonight but to avoid letting his fans down, he's going to cut them all a check so they get their money's worth. Hey, I'm a HUGE Total Package fan! Make it out to Chris Jones, care of... bah, forget it. Lex: "Isn't that great of me, Liz?" Liz: "Yeahthatsgreat." Liz doesn't sound happy. I'm not happy either... Elizabeth was never shown from the front ONCE during this interview!

WAMPIRO (with Misfit Jerry Only) vs. BERLYN (with the Great Wall of Germany) in a chain match - Vampiro doesn't get much of a pop... don't they know he's Canadian? I finally figured out Berlyn's weird entrance lighting... it's al l WHITE light. He's from Germany... white light... must I connect the dots for you? Some other music starts up after Berlyn's trails off... oh, fucking shit. It's PETTY BITCH ED FERRARA & DR. CAREER DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS making their way down. Ed's still twisting his face and now he's carrying a bottle of BBQ sauce. Has Jim Ross ever plugged his sauce on TV? They join the commentators as, in a case of incredible irony, a fan directly next to them holds up a large WWF logo sign that is constantly in view. That brings the current total of free WWF plugs to 2 in this segment, and somewhere in the thirties for the entire show. The match is actually a dog collar match, as Vampiro wears the chain around a collar on his neck. Berlyn refuses to hook up and decks the referee. Vamp nails Berlyn and the Wall levels Vamp. The Misfit gets tossed outside the ring as the Wall does a number on Vampiro. Again, the match here is secondary to the commentary. Ed screeches "Vam-pie-ro!" for the first of many times. Berlyn has taped the Misfit to the guardrail. Ed proves that he's run the gauntlet of jokes as he goes into a phony football background for the Wall, repeating the same thing he did with one of the luchadores on Nitro. This "match" is Berlyn and the Wall double teaming Vampiro. Berlyn gives Wall the collar and he hooks it on. Was there a bell? More "Vam-pie-ro!" shouts and a "Good God, somebody stop the match!" thrown in for good measure. Wall hits a chokeslam and makes a cover, but Berlyn breaks up the count and gets in Wall's face. I take it Russo feels they had enough time to build a relationship so that people will care when they split up and feud, like with Shawn Michaels and Diesel. Wall takes off the collar and throws it at Berlyn before walking off. Jerry Only comes untaped but Berlyn quickly nails him. I've noticed that Tony is saying very little, except to call parts of the match, while Bobby does bits with Ed. Maybe his conscious is FINALLY getting to him? Vampiro puts Berlyn on the top rope. SUPERPLEX! Ed flubs up an attempt to mock JR's call of the Foley Hell in a Cell dive. Vamp and Jerry hit a double suplex. Vampiro with the Juvi Driver! He wraps the chain around Berlyn's neck and puts on a camel clutch. Berlyn gives up! Dr. Death apparently hasn't hurt enough people for one week, so he rushes in and attacks Vamp and Jerry as they celebrate. Overhead suplex on Vamp. Oklahoma Slam on Jerry. Dr. Bomb on Vamp. He probably hurt both of them.

Your winner: Vampiro (match time: 5:00?)

We cut away to Mike Tenay standing with Scott Hall, who has TWO title belts on his shoulders. Due to his injuries after being powerbomed through a cardboard stage, Steiner has been forced to forfeit the TV title to Scott Hall. Yeah! Hall's old, has hardly wrestled this year, and has little effect on ratings. Let's give him TWO titles! Of course, this is world's better than STEINER getting two belts. Scott tries cutting a promo but he's sober and thus doesn't make any sense. Yes, you read that right. The jist is that he's issuing an open challenge.

Curt Hennig takes the long walk good-bye through the backstage area. Norman Smiley and Konnan give him props. If someone had the forethought to show Curt walking slowly up a ramp, pulling a rolling cart behind him, still wearing his wrestling outfit... I'd have DIED of laughter.

Speaking of walking up a ramp, here's Kimberly and her cleavage! She's just arriving, they want us to believe. I guess ramp walking is only for the women?

THE TOTAL NARCISSIST (with Lizbet and her breasts) vs. KING MENG (with funky afro)- If you're curious, "Lizbet" is how Randy Savage used to pronounce her name. Although on occasion he'd enunciate enough to say "Elizbet". Lex comes out with the neck brace and the commentators fail to notice that it's a perfect defense against Meng's Tongan Death Grip. Lex is too hurt to do his posing routine and instead waves the music off. Video clips show Lex punking out Meng a time or two, then Meng returning the favor. Meng enters and goes right after Lex! Meng tears off Luger's garb and beats him down. Tony speculates on the severity of Luger's neck injury, all the while failing to notice the surefire evidence of Lex's knee not bothering him any more. Lex hits a suplex that Meng no-sells. They brawl outside and Meng dominates. Meng throws Lex back inside as it finally dawns on Tony that Luger's collar will prevent the Death Grip. And sure enough, Meng tries it and it's ineffective. But that doesn't stop him from kicking Luger's ass. Liz gets up on the apron but nobody notices her. Well, I noticed her... neither Lex, Meng, or the ref did. Lex gets the advantage and hits a powerslam! 1, 2, Meng escapes. Lex scores with a few axhandles that take Meng down to one knee. Ramming Meng's head into the buckle has no effect. Now Meng's awake! A few headbutts take Lex down. A superkick and cover gets Meng 2. Lex drapes himself over the bottom rope as Liz fumbles with something in her hand. Meng hovers over Luger's back and as he pulls up, Liz sprays Lex in the face with something. It was either executed poorly or we're supposed to think she was aiming for Lex, but nervous about doing it. Or both! Anyway, Lex is blind. Meng strips off the collar as Liz apparently heads for higher ground. Tongan Death Grip! Lex falls to his back. 1, 2, 3! Meng wins! Meng wins! Replays show us it seemed to be both poorly executed AND Liz going for Lex, but you can't really tell when it's fouled up.

Your winner: Meng (match time: 5:22)

Mean Gene's backstage with Bret Hart. Bret's putting his friendship with Benoit aside tonight, don't you know. They're standing near the entryway and Luger emerges, shouting for Elizabeth. He walks directly behind Gene and Bret, calling her name.

David Flair is somewhere backstage... ahem... polishing his crowbar. No, really. What did you think I meant? But it's funny, if I was about to wrestle Kimberly, I'd polish my crowbar AFTER the match.

SCOTT HALL (with two title belts) vs. A MAN OF MYSTERY for the WCW United States and Television Championships - Some hot crowd chick is shown during Hall's walk to the ring. She needs to be signed immediately! Hey, either Mark Madden is in the front row, or some poor dude looks a lot like him. Hall hits "hey yo", the two words he can get out even when he's drunk. Scott just talked to Big Kev, who's on his way here. They gonna turn Toronto upside down! Hall makes his open challenge again and Harlem Heat's music plays for an instant, then cuts off. Then it starts again... why, wouldn't you know it, it's BOOKER T! He hits the ring and we're underway! The cameras pan up as Hall crotch chops. Hall starts off with some technical wrestling, to the shock and surprise of millions. Booker takes control and hits a side slam. Unless they're chanting "Alkie" at Hall or a racial slur at Booker, the "Rocky" chant is loud and clear again. Hall regains the advantage and hits his chokeslam and opts to cover rather than mock the Giant. Crossbody attempt by Booker ends up with Hall's throwaway slam. They brawl outside and Booker eats the steps. Back inside, Hall covers with his feet on the ropes for 2. A spinning right hand gets a 2 count. There must be a flasher in the crowd, as everyone's standing and looking off to their left. Wait a minute, here's MY MAN JEFF JARRETT, PAT, & GERRY on their way down! Booker hits the axe kick and spins up to his feet! Harlem Sidekick! "AHHHHHH!" Jarrett distracts the ref as the suits rush Booker. One gets a sidekick! There's one for the other! Booker climbs the corner backwards and swings at Jarrett. Booker, you never do that when you're fighting Scott Hall! Sure enough, Scott sneaks up behind him... Razor's Edge! Jarrett counts along with the referee, apparently forgetting his heated feud with Razor Ramon all those years ago. Hall rolls outside as Booker gets triple-teamed. Then the lights go out! BONG! MY GOD, THE UNDERTAKER IS IN WCW! No wait, it's that black chick again. That always fools me! Her name is officially MIDNIGHT, sayeth Tony. Jarrett runs and the suits try a double team, but it gets thwarted by Booker. That girl looks familiar.

Your winner and still United States and Television Champion: Scott Hall (match time: 6:03)

Lex Luger is backstage searching in anger for Elizabeth. He pounds on a door and finds it to be locked. PLEASE let him walk in on her changing!

Nope, we cut to the exact opposite of that, a shot of Tony and Bobby. Tony has the balls to call Kimberly vs. David Flair "one of the marquee match-ups" of the show. They speculate that Kim has some sort of plan.

Video clips show us the history of this sizzling feud. Hey, there's Ric Flair! There's Kimberly's breasts! There's DDP! There's Kim's breasts again! There's Bam Bam Bigelow hitting LINE OF THE YEAR with "You wanna pick on a girl? Pick on me!" That ICP song that the Dead Pool used is played during this for some reason.

I have two questions about this... David turned on his dad earlier this year, so why would Ric being beaten up turn Dave into a nutcase? And are we really supposed to believe that a few crowbar shots from David have kept DDP out this ENTIRE time?

KIMBERLY (with "9, 10, and 10+" cards and Evad Sullivan's rabbit) vs. DAVEY BOY FLAIR (with crowbar) - Ric Flair's music fires up and gets NO CROWD RESPONSE WHATSOEVER. David has circles painted under his eyes. Why? Cause he's crazy! DDP's music fires up and gets NO CROWD RESPONSE WHATSOEVER, although Kim gets a mild pop when she walks out because she's got big breasts. And she's showing them off nicely with her flimsy top. Kim does deep leg stretches on the ropes in her leather pants as Dave sets the crowbar down in his corner. Dave moves in and Kim kicks him in the nuts. No effect! Dave grabs his crowbar and taps on his crotch... he's got a cup, it seems. Dave cracks the referee and Kimberly sinks to her knees as Dave approaches her. I think I hear a "suck it" chant. Kim tries playing coy with Dave and reaches for his fly. Suggesting oral sex on a wrestling show? SOMEBODY GET BOB RYDER ON THE PHONE! Wait, he's probably there... and he's probably polishing his crowbar. Kimberly reaches her hand into Dave's pants and rips out his jock strap. Hey Dave, you're supposed to step into it and WEAR it, not stuff it down your pants. She cracks Dave upside the head with the cup and then kicks his exposed jewels. Kim stomps Dave a few times and removes the cup from the jock strap, putting it over Dave's face. She falls down on him and starts wailing, punching and choking as her top starts falling apart on her. Dave kicks her off and Kim slinks back into a corner with over half her chest exposed as Dave moves in with the crowbar. Hold on, here's GOOD FRIEND OF DDP KANYON charging down the aisle! Russian Leg Sweep on Dave! Chris goes to check on Kimberly, then hits a Samoan Drop on Dave. And here's KIMBERLY'S HUSBAND limping down the aisle to no crowd response! He's STILL selling the injuries? Come on! Kanyon and Kimberly hug and Dave gets Kanyon low with the crowbar. DDP comes in... Diamond Cutter on Dave! DDP's got the crowbar... here's ARN ANDERSON from the back! He kneels before Dave and DDP backs off, leaving with Kim. Arn watches them leave as Dave stands... and hits ARN with the crowbar! The shot to the lower back drops Arn down, then Dave hits him in the shoulder and runs off into the crowd. Arn lies motionless and a stretcher is called for. Oh, come ON! Arn's fitted with a neck collar, probably the same one Luger was using, and is loaded onto a stretcher. The fans chant "Rocky" some more. Replays show us the VICIOUS and CRIPPLING attack Dave just leveled on Arn. Arn is finally wheeled out.

Video clips show us the history between Sid and Goldberg. So they did the "Sid bleeds but keeps fighting" bit last month... is tonight the "Sid passes out rather than quit" portion of the "let's pitifully re-create the Steve Austin face turn" plan?

Mike Tenay talks with Sid. Sid doesn't plan on saying "I Quit". C'mon, NEVER say "I Quit" in your pre-match interview just before an I Quit match!

SYCO PSYD vs. WILLIAM GOLDBERG in an I Quit match - Sid gets some chants bearing his name as he enters. Goldberg does his drawn out entrance. If you look closely, you can see VIC VENOM standing against the wall as Goldberg passes by! What's HE doing there? Goldberg isn't getting that big a reaction tonight. Sid rushes him to start! They brawl and Goldberg hits a big slam. They go outside... is that a "Goldberg Sucks" chant? Looks like another victim of the "Ken Shamrock heel pop" from that angle with the metal plate earlier this year. Back in the ring, Sid hooks on a Million Dollar Dream and turns it into a slam! A clothesline takes Goldberg down to more "Sid" chants. Sid chokes Goldberg with his boot. Goldberg into the ropes... Sid grabs him by the throat! Chokeslam! Sid pulls him up... another chokeslam! Sid drops down and just plain chokes Goldberg, shouting at the ref to see if Goldberg submits. Goldberg turns it into a head scissors and the crowd BOOS! Ha! Louder "Goldberg Sucks" chants are heard as Sid gets leveled a few times. Goldberg has Sid backed into a corner, where he hammers him down to the mat. Goldberg hooks on a Million Dollar Dream of his own and wraps on a body scissors, keeping Sid down on the mat. The ref checks Sid's arm and it drops... the ref rings the bell?! HUH? The crowd boos but I take solace in the fact that this is the very ending I predicted. Sid never gave up, say the broadcasters ad nauseam.

Your winner: Goldberg (match time: 5:30)

Mean Gene is talking with Lex Luger. Liz has been hiding from Lex because she knows she screwed up. Lex doesn't get mad, he gets even... Liz has better watch out tomorrow night! But this isn't the WWF, they don't hit women! What's he talking about?

ONE MESSED UP MOFO BRET HART vs. CHRIS BENWAA for the vacant WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Benoit is seen walking from the bowels of the building. My keen eyes spot Ed Ferrara and Terry Taylor sitting at a table near the entrance. Bret's entrance also starts backstage and... was that his wife off to the side?! I thought they were split up. Bret enters to a nice ovation. Sign in crowd: "This One's For Owen". Wasn't the Sting match for Owen? They can't BOTH be the one for Owen, can they? There's the bell! We're underway! They tie up in a corner and are forced apart by the referee. Each exchange some technical moves until Bret gains the advantage with an armbar. The total times "Owen" has been said by Tony so far in this match is around 5. Benoit hits a few running knees to Bret's gut to take control of things. A reverse chinlock is applied on the Hitman, who pulls it into a pinning combo. They trade it a few times. Man, I haven't seen THAT one in years! Bret fights up and ends up trying for the Sharpshooter! Benoit gets free and hooks on the Crippler Crossface! But Bret's in the ropes and it's broken. They slap hands because... well, I don't know, I thought friendship was out the window. Bret breaks up a test of strength with a kick to the gut. He's MY hero! Benoit reverses a whip into the corner and Bret does his chest-first run into the buckle. Benoit ends up outside and the fan who Dean Malenko had ejected leaps the railing... no, it's actually DEAN MALENKO himself! He stomps on Benoit, wipes his painted face on his Canadian flag, and then spits on it before being led off by security. Inside the ring, Bret hits a piledriver and gets a 2 count. He stands on Benoit's throat a time or two, as that's what a Canadian hero does. Benoit fires back with some chops that take Bret down. A backbreaker on Bret gets 2. Benoit hits a BIG backdrop, then a belly to back suplex. Bret regains control with the oft-touted kick to the gut. Benoit reverses a tilt-a-whirl attempt from Bret into a tombstone! Thumb across the throat! Swandive... CONNECTS! But here comes SCOTT HALL for no apparent reason! Hall can't reach the referee in time to pull him out, so Bret kicks out and THEN Hall pulls the ref out and decks him. There's KEVIN NASH! Hall enters the ring and hits his throwaway slam on Benoit. Nash has a chair... here's GOLDBERG! Spear on Nash! Hall uses the chair on Goldberg. Bret with a reverse atomic drop on Hall! Bret beats Hall up the aisle, where Goldberg follows the Outsiders out. They realize they're too close together and they start to brawl. Well, THAT was pointless. Back in the ring, Benoit has the advantage. We see a split screen of the match and the Goldberg/Outsiders brawl that's spilling backstage. Benoit hits an atomic drop onto Bret's knee. He puts Bret's leg on the bottom rope and drops down on it a time or two, then applies the figure four! Bret makes it to the ropes without much drama. Benoit continues going after Bret's leg, but Bret regains the advantage with punches and kicks. Backbreaker! Benoit escapes at the 2 count. Bret sets Benoit on the top rope... SUPERPLEX! Bret makes a cover but Benoit's close enough to wrap his arm around the bottom rope. The crowd stands and looks off to the left again... must be the flasher. Side Russian Leg Sweep! Benoit gets out at 2 again. Bret can't hold a bodyslam and Benoit falls on top of him! 1, 2, Bret kicks out! Benoit falls to the outside where a cup of soda is thrown at or dropped on him. Bret tries to suplex Benoit back in, but Benoit slips out... German suplex! A second one! He tries a German suplex and Bret counters, but Benoit spins it into the Crippler Crossface! No, Bret escapes before it's on! Bret sweeps the legs... Sharpshooter!! A roll of toilet paper is hurled into the ring.. Benoit TAPS! Bret wins! Pyro shoots out from around ringside as Bret is given the belt. He bends down to act like he cares about Benoit. Some KIDS pile into the ring... those are Bret's kids, I guess. Hey, there's JULIE! She IS here! I guess they're patching things up, that's good to see. Bret and Benoit hug. Hey, somebody go ask Bret and his kids what they thought about that oral sex tease earlier on. Bret holds up the Canadian flag that Malenko wiped his face paint on and there's a big stain on the maple leaf. There seem to be more than just Bret's kids in the ring, unless he's been reproducing since Wrestling With Shadows. Bobby says something about Nitro as we fade out to ads. So watch Nitro!

Did ANY of Bret's tournament matches not involve run-ins or interference?

Next month, Starrcade! And if you spent $30 for this, you can get a FREE Goldberg dogtag! WHAT A DEAL!

Final Thought:

This wasn't that bad a show! Nothing sticks out as being exceptionally bad, although the Kimberly match comes pretty close. The Bret win was cool to see. Maybe now he's finally SHUT UP about Vince double crossing him? Nah, I didn't think so. Anyway, a modest thumbs up from me, making this the FIRST WCW event I've given such a rating to! Nothing really exceptionally great, but nothing sucked and everything seemed to have SOME point to it, the Jim Ross parody aside.

What blows me away is how the WWF has completely trained the fans in Canada. And don't say they haven't... I don't recall the Canadian wrestlers getting massive pops at WrestleMania 6 or any other wrestling show before the Hart Foundation angle. 10 years ago if someone had said "we're having this world title tournament in Canada... maybe we should let two Canadian guys end up the finals", he wouldn't have been taken seriously in the least. It just goes to show you the power some things have over people.

I'll be back in around two weeks with my WCW house show recap! Maybe Jeff Jarrett will be there... cross your fingers!

Adios!