WCW New Blood Rising
Yes, it's that time again. Time for another ride on the speeding, runaway, headed-for-a-cliff train that is WCW! All right, maybe it's not that bad... yet. But the way things are looking, I'm not exactly filled with hope.
I'll get into my thoughts on what WCW is up to in a few minutes, but first let me thank everyone for the feedback I've gotten on the "Year in Jones" column I put together. I'm glad you enjoyed it... and I'm glad that the over-saturation of Jones last month didn't send anyone running from their computer screaming.
But now, let's not put it off any longer... it's time to get this party underway. Hold on tight and maybe we'll get through it, but I'm not making any promises.
WCW logo... watch out, it'll SHOOT on you!
A video package hypes the world title and triple threat matches, building up the "shoot" aspect for the latter. As promised, let me explain my thoughts on this whole shooting business: IT SUCKS.
The whole concept is fucking ridiculous. Like Nash, Goldberg, or anyone else would even be allowed on the show if someone thought they were going to break from the script? Like WCW would promote the fact that one of their wrestlers wants to break from the script? Like it's a good idea to basically admit that ALL matches are staged and not real, but only acknowledge that fact during one match and pretend like everything else is legit?
I guarantee you that the announcers tonight will both play up the aspect of "this is scripted" during the 3-way match, then turn right around and do something like rant about the horrors of Kanyon taking Judy Bagwell or endlessly rave about Booker T's intestinal fortitude because he's fighting through pain from his bum knee. You can't have it both ways. You can't tell us in one match that what we're watching is fake and then expect us to forget about that while we watch every other match on the card. It's an insult to people's intelligence.
And don't give me that "but fans know it's fake" stuff. Of course people know it's fake. They don't need to be TOLD that it's fake, then be asked to kindly ignore that fact 10 minutes later. It's shattering the "suspension of disbelief" that wrestling relies on, and what's worse in this case is that it's shattering it FOR NO GOOD REASON other than Russo's complete failure to come up with a compelling storyline.
And while I'm ranting about things that suck, what the hell kind of stupid-ass name is "Book End" for Booker T's finisher? Since when is "book" part of his character? Hasn't every other move he's done had some reference to Harlem in it? "Book End"? Is he a librarian now? Will he debut the "Dewey Decimal Drop" tonight? Will he start calling all his little fans "bookmarks"?
Whew. Okay, I'm better now. You know, if just watching the video package produced that sort of response from me, I'm worried about what I may do as the show develops.
A few wacky Canadian fans stand outside and mug for the camera.
We fade into the arena where we are LIVE from the PNE Coliseum in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada! Pyro! Cheering! And... a MATCH right off the bat!
3 COUNT (with Tank Abbot) vs. THE JUNG DRAGONS in a double ladder match- Tank heads out first wearing a 3 Count t-shirt with the NIPPLES CUT OUT! Oh, my holy lord, what have I done to deserve this? I see Evan is there... doesn't he have a bad ankle? Tank has the stick! "Do you guys want the best?" Boos. "Do you want the best? I give you the best band in rock-n-roll history! 1-2-3 Count!" The boys dance to their song while Tank SINGS ALONG. Ugh. I'll give him credit, though, he doesn't appear to mind looking like a total idiot. The music of the Dragons interrupt the song and they head down as we take a look at the recording contract (helpfully labeled "recording contract") and gold record hanging above the ring. The Dragons want the contract and 3 Count wants the record, we're told. This will probably be hard to call, so be warned. Jamie-San and Shane Helms start off by exchanging some holds on the mat. Shane hits a quick elbow and 3 Count rushes up the aisle towards the ladders, but the Dragons get the jump on them in the aisle. Yang slides a ladder into the ring, but Shannon jumps him from behind. The ladder gets leaned against a corner. Yang attempts a powerbomb against the ladder, but Shannon slips out. Shannon tries one of his own and takes a sloppy backdrop onto the ladder. Let's see... Evan broke his ankle, Kaz fell 10 feet face first, let's do moves like that so someone else can snap a leg or two. Why not? Yang puts the ladder above the second rope in the corner and ends up getting crotched on it. Shane and Evan are back in. Jamie-San gets powerbombed and Shannon hits him with a top rope splash. Shane and Shannon toss Jamie-San onto the ladder. Kaz gets pressed onto Jamie, then Yan is also stacked. Shannon leaps onto the pile and they all tip over and crash! Tank is on the apron, leading a cheer. 3 Count goes for the record. A Dragon climbs the other side and we get a cool double Doomsday Device spot on both sides of the ring, with a member of each team being nailed. Yang is going up... Shannon tips the ladder over! A group of bodies forms on the floor. Jamie-San climbs a ladder and dives down onto the pile! Now both ladders are set up. Shannon hits a face slam on Yang off the ladders. Kaz rushes up the ladders, but Evan climbs up to meet him. Evan hits a SUPLEX from a few rungs up! A Dragon gets sandwiched under a ladder by a double splash. Yang flips off a ladder and the Dragons hit a few spin kicks to get things going back their way. Evan hits a powerslam on Kaz onto the ladder. 3 Count does a teeter-totter spot on Jamie-San. Now Evan and Shane start dancing. Someone hits a move on the outside that the camera misses. The ladders are moved to opposite corners. Evan gets whipped into the railing on the outside. Shannon takes a top-rope Frankensteiner into center ring. DOUBLE SPLASH off the ladder by Kaz and Yang! Jamie-San goes up... he's got the gold record! Is that it? 3 Count dropkicks the ladder and Tank catches the gold record. I guess that's not it. Kaz and Yang grab a ladder and unleash some weak looking blows on Tank and 3 Count. Evan gets put inside a ladder and Jamie-San... well, it looked like he missed whatever he was going for. They re-do the "jump to the other ladder" spot the Hardy Boyz won with at No Mercy. The two ladders end up side by side and Evan and Kaz run up to try for the contract. Tank comes in and tips over BOTH ladders. Evan sets up one and climbs... he's GOT the contract! That's it, I guess. Evan hands Tank the contract and Tank runs off with the contract AND the record while 3 Count is like "hey, those are ours". This better not be going where I think it is. Where was Johnny Ace on that finish? And why would the Dragons take the gold record down if it didn't help them win?
Your winners:3 Count (match time: 11:32)
We go backstage where the Filthy Animals have come into the Cat's office. Rey says they want to ref the tag title match tonight and they want a shot at the belts on Nitro. In return, the Cat will get the tag title belts back and the Animals will help him in his match with Muta. At the promise of winning his match, Cat agrees to the deal and bumps fists with the Animals. Disco holds his fist out and gives us a "word to yo' mutha." Cat: "Disco, get the hell outta my office."
THE GREAT MUTA vs. COMMISSIONER CAT - Seeing as how the Cat is so powerful, shouldn't this be higher on the card? Muta enters without incident. The Cat heads down and grabs the stick! "Okay, Muta, I know you don't understand English, so I'm gonna break it down to you so you can understand it. You are the Great Muta... and you know what? I'm gonna whoop your great ass!" And Cat nails him with the microphone. We're underway! Cat hits the 10 punches of death right off the bat. Muta falls flat and Cat grooves a little before dropping an elbow. Muta fires back and takes Cat down, then drops an elbow of his own. He works over the Cat's arm with a few submission holds. Muta finally breaks and starts choking Cat with his boot. The Cat comes back with some kicks and Muta hits a quick shot to the throat. Now Muta unloads a few kicks. Here's TYGRESS on her way down. Whoopie. The crowd chants "we want puppies" as Muta's handspring elbow goes missed and uncalled. Cat kicks Muta to the floor and chokes him with a cable. Muta eats the railing! Cat rolls Muta back inside and covers him, but Muta's out at 2. We get a BIG close-up of Tygress. I'm sorry, she's just not attractive. Cat unloads some martial arts and then measures a big kick. Muta catches it! DRAGON SCREW LEG WHIP! Muta applies a leg hold, but Cat quickly reaches the ropes. Muta hits a backbreaker and goes up top! Moonsault MISSES! Cat misses a kick... GREEN MIST!!! GREEN MIST!!! GREEN MIST!!! Tygress is suddenly on the top rope holding a chair. The ref wipes the mist from Cat's eyes as Tygress jumps and nails Muta with THE WORST LOOKING CHAIRSHOT EVER!!! Eat your heart out, Midajah! Muta sells it like he's dead. Cat crawls over for the cover. 1, 2, kickout! Cat unloads some... you guessed it... kicks. Some more kicks take Muta down. Cat signals for the finish... and there's the spinning kick! 1, 2, 3! Cat gets funky in the ring as Tygress watches on. I'd be re-thinking the deal with the Animals if I were him... sending Tygress out is their idea of guaranteeing a victory?
Your winner: The Cat (match time: 6:48)
Buff is backstage searching for Brad Siegel so he can get his release. No, he's searching for his mom, they tell us. Whatever. Tony: "Later on in this telecast, the match is called Judy Bagwell on a pole." To Tony, "later" means "in 3 seconds".
POSITIVELY WANTING OUT OF WCW vs. PRETTY BOY REDNECK BUFF BAGWELL in a Judy Bagwell on a Pole match - I'd like to hear any Russo supporter justify the continued use of Judy Bagwell on WCW programming. But then again, it wouldn't surprise me if Bischoff signed her to a contract back during her tag team title days and Russo has no choice but to use her. And here is BIG MAMA BAGWELL being driven to ringside on a forklift. Kanyon is behind the wheel, wearing a hardhat. He raises the platform, which Judy appears to be tied to, about 10 feet up. Kanyon's got the stick! "After this, I've gotta ask... it's been a long time, but I've gotta ask. WHO'S BETTER THAN KANYON?" Crowd: "Every... wait, what do we say here?" "Everybody knows... this match was supposed to be a Judy Bagwell on a Pole match. But I searched this entire second-rate country of Canada...". Cheap heat and "US Sucks" chants. "SHUUUT UP! But after searching this entire God-forsaken country, I couldn't find a pole that would hold that big, fat battle-ax. So... so, bro... this match is now officially a Judy Bagwell on a Forklift match." Buff is still backstage and sees the situation on a monitor. What, he didn't know it was match time? Buff runs down and tries lowering his mom. Kanyon attacks! Buff fights back and hammers Kanyon about ringside. They go into the crowd! Ru-sso! Ru-sso! The crack WCW production crew makes sure we CAN'T SEE ANYTHING that happens in the crowd. Kanyon gets whipped back into the railing and he flips over to ringside. Both guys roll in. Backdrop by Buff. Spinning neckbreaker! Judy screeches from atop her perch. Buff unloads the 10 punches of... no, Kanyon with a low blow! He climbs up to meet Buff on the second rope and hits a Russian Leg Sweep of sorts. You can HEAR Judy screaming at Buff to get up. Kanyon covers for a 2 count. More shots of Judy. Kanyon hits a suplex and holds up the "X" arms, which means he's either in DX or he's one of the Gangstas. He grabs a pair of wire cutters and snips off the top turnbuckle pad on one of the corners. Buff is whipped towards the corner... he springs off, but Kanyon catches him. Sit-out powerbomb! 1, 2, kickout! Kanyon tries running Buff to the exposed buckle again, but Buff blocks and fires away! Kanyon returns fire and hooks on a MILLION DOLLAR DREAM! Or the "Kanyon Klutch", if you're nasty. He takes Buff down to the mat as "boring" chants fire up. SHUT UP, JUDY! Christ almighty. Buff's arm drops once! Twice! But not three! No, sir! Buff fights to his feet and a few elbows break the hold. Kanyon goes into the ropes and hits a SWEET spinning neckbreaker. Kanyon signals for the finish... but Buff shoves him into the exposed buckle! Buff with a Stun Gun onto the buckle, though Kanyon sort of missed it. 1, 2, kickout! Buff whips Kanyon to the ropes... he escapes a slam... KANYON CUTTER!!! 1, 2, kickout? Suddenly, DDP's music fires up again. You've gotta be SHITTING me... FORMER WORLD CHAMPION DAVID ARQUETTE is back again. He hits ringside and fives Kanyon, but Buff is up! He hammers Kanyon around. Buff goes up for the Blockbuster and David smashes him from behind with Kanyon's hard hat! Kanyon covers! 1, 2, kickout! David stands on the apron, holding the hat. Buff gets whipped towards him, but David misses a shot! Buff pulls him into the ring. Double clothesline on David and Kanyon! Buff goes to the second rope... DOUBLE Buff Blockbuster! He covers Kanyon! 1, 2, 3! We get a shot of Judy, who's SHOWING SKIN! Her shoulders are exposed with the top she's wearing! UGH! What was she thinking? Buff lowers her and frees her from the forklift so they can make their exit. In the ring, Kanyon helps Arquette to his feet and they hug. KANYON CUTTER ON DAVID ARQUETTE!!! Ha! Now let's never see Judy OR David again. EVER.
Your winner: Buff Bagwell (match time: 6:46)
Outside, a limo with Canadian flags on it has arrived. Is the Prime Minister here? No, it's Lance Storm!
We meet our hosts for tonight's fiesta, TONY "I'M NO JIM ROSS" SCHIAVONE, SCOTT "I'M NO MIKE TENAY" HUDSON, AND MARK "I'M NO JASON HERVEY" MADDEN, who discuss Storm's arrival. I cannot BELIEVE that WCW has phased out Bobby Heenan, especially when you consider who's sitting at this table. Speak of the devil, Madden drapes himself in a Canadian flag... and millions of Canadians rush towards the border and turn in their citizenship. Tony tells us out of nowhere that Goldberg was in a "motorcycle accident" yesterday in Sturgis and they don't know if he'll be here tonight. Yeah, sure. Didn't anyone tell him that it's not Road Wild anymore?
WCW PROMOTES ILLEGAL DRUG USE vs. MIA vs. PERFECT EVENT vs. TWO GUYS I DON'T KNOW for the WCW World Tag Team Championship - The FILTHY ANIMALS make their way down, all but Konnan decked out in referee gear. You know what this match needed? FIVE MORE PEOPLE INVOLVED! Rey has two fake horns sticking off of his head. I bet Terri Runnels will buy those from you, Rey. Her fingers have to be getting tired. Konnan joins the commentary team. Hugh and Lash enter with Supersoakers... that's SO three years ago. Jindrak and O'Haire enter as Madden refers to Konnan as "Carlos" repeatedly. I have no idea which one's O'Haire and which one's Jindrak. Perfect Event enters, bringing the "people I couldn't care less about in this match" total up to 6. And here's Kronic to make it 8. Konnan claims the Mexican strategy of the Animals is like Pulp Fiction as it'll "make sense tomorrow". Disco takes the stick! "All right, cut that crap off! Hey, you ham-n-eggers listen up. I got something to explain to you, and I'm gonna explain it real slow so all the Canadians can understand." Boos. "Now I know you guys probably want to kick my ass. Can I have your attention please? Now here's how it's gonna go down. I know you guys want to kick my ass. But we are the referees in this match. I am the in-ring official. Rey, Juvi, and Tygress are the ringside enforcers. Now what that means is if any of you, and I mean ANY of you bums, lay one hand on any of us... not only will you be disqualified, and not only will you be heavily fined, but I'll have your ass wrestling polar bears in Nome, Alaska for the next 6 months. You got that? Huh, Palumbo, you got that? You know why I can do this? Because I've got it like that. If we can't get along, let's get it on. You guys take your corners and ring the bell and start this damn thing." Madden and Konnan go on to say "got it like that" ad nauseam. It looks like Chuck Palumbo and Brian Adams are starting off. Crush tosses Palumbo backwards rather easily. Chuck fires back and gains control until a shoulderblock attempt fails. Chuck runs the ropes and Crush tosses him over the top... and the Animals attack him! Stasiak runs in with Adams and gets caught in a full nelson slam. Palumbo re-enters and tags in Lash. One of the rookie guys is tagged in... again, I really don't know which one is which. A dropkick gets him a 2 count. Lash does a headscissors that takes the rookie down. Konnan: "The people are getting into it because they appreciate the effort and the work ethic." It sounds to me like they're chanting "ECW", Carlos. Lash tags in Wrath as Tony helpfully notes that is the guy in the ring is Mark Jindrak. Chuck Palumbo hits a superkick on Wrath out of nowhere. In comes O'Haire to replace his partner. He goes up top... he front flips to his feet to avoid Wrath and then hits a spinning kick. 1, 2, kickout! Wrath catches O'Haire in a tilt-a-whirl slam and covers! 1........2...... kickout. Disco's slow counting for Kronic, it appears. Wrath tags in Hugh Morrus. He hits a spinning heel kick on O'Haire and Stasiak breaks up a pin attempt. Hugh unloads some chops. Sean catches Hugh in a powerbomb! Hugh is hammered into the Perfect Event corner. Tygress runs in with a bronco buster! Rey tries the same and gets Hugh's foot in his crotch! Stasiak enters and stomps Hugh down. Hugh slides out of a slam and Stasiak kicks him off, causing Hugh to bounce off the ropes and headbutt Stasiak in the balls. Lash tagged Hugh somewhere in there and he works over Stasiak. Lash covers and Disco makes another slow count, which Konnan claims is so the Canadian fans can follow. Stasiak hits a running corner clothesline and then a BIG gutbuster. He covers Lash and Disco slow counts again. This is a giant clusterfuck if there ever was one. I'm done trying to follow this. Hugh Morrus gets tagged back in and lays out multiple people. The Animals enter the ring and everyone here is fighting. Disco makes another slow count, this time with Palumbo on top. It sounds like the fans are chanting "bullshit". Palumbo takes Hugh down with a sleeper and, as he raises and drops Hugh's arm, Disco slaps Hugh across the face to wake him up. Stasiak comes in as the crowd chants "We Want Bret". Konnan actually says that the current WCW talent roster is the best it's ever been since he's been in WCW. Lay off the booze, Konnan. Kronic comes in for no reason and starts knocking people outside, where the Animals attack them. Jindrak and O'Haire end up alone with Wrath and one of ‘em hits a Swanton bomb. Now Adams and Palumbo are alone in the ring. Wait, here's Wrath! High Times? No, here's VAM-PIE-RO & MUTA out of nowhere. Palumbo rolls a distracted Adams up, but Disco slow counts him. I think Disco has now slow counted EVERY team in the match, meaning his actions make NO SENSE AT ALL. Wrath is in... MELTDOWN ON PALUMBO! He covers and Disco slow counts to 2, then stops completely. Stasiak comes off the top rope and Adams catches him, throwing him to the floor on top of several people. HIGH TIMES ON PALUMBO! Here's LT. LOCO at ringside. He nails Disco and takes the ref shirt. Wrath covers Palumbo and Chavo counts. 1, 2, 3! Why the hell would Chavo help KRONIC win when there was an MIA team in the match? Damn, this was one of the worst things I've ever seen.
Your winners: Kronic (match time: 12:23)
Pamela is talking with Jeff Jarrett, who says Pamela is there because she wore Gene out last night. Go Gene! Booker isn't there yet, sayeth Jeff, but once he arrives he'll need eyes in the back of his head.
DEAN DOUGLAS (with Whorrie Tilson & her massive boobs) vs. ELEVATED YOUNG TALENT BILLY KIDMAN in a leather strap match - Shane and Torrie make their entrance... Torrie's showing a fair amount of cleavage, but nothing special. Shane has the stick! "Cut the damn music! Hey, Billy Kidman... BOY... you think you've been cute entertaining lowlifes like these bunch of Canadians with sex tapes. What you've done, Billy, is you've pissed off the Franchise. This woman doesn't deserve a punk like you. In fact, Billy, how many times do you have to have your ass FRANCHISED before you realize you weren't man enough to handle Torrie all night long? We ain't too happy about being in this stinking country, so Billy Kidman...". The fans are chanting "she's a whore", I believe. I think Shane looked around to see if Francine was there. "So Billy Kidman, you wanted a strap match, I got no problem taking some skin off your ass!" Kidman heads out with a leather strap in hand. He gets a LAME ass pyro display as he goes. Shane gets a quick tight-lipped peck from Torrie and then hooks the strap onto his arm. They each pull their ends carefully and Kidman trips Shane up in the strap. Douglas gets in a few shots and Kidman trips him up in the strap again, then he rolls out and goes after Torrie. Shane follows him and eats a clothesline for his trouble. Billy runs Shane HARD into the guardrail! Using the strap to his advantage, Kidman rolls inside and slides out on the other side of the poll so he can pull Shane into it. Both guys roll back inside and Kidman removes the strap from his wrist and whips Shane with it. Torrie hops onto the apron to distract Kidman... Shane catches Kidman low with the strap. Now Shane's choking him. The crowd is pretty much dead. Shane whips Kidman with the strap while Hudson talks about sex tapes, name-dropping Shannon Tweed as he does so. Kidman ends up throat-first on the second rope and Torrie chokes him as Shane distracts the referee. Shane locks hands with Kidman and plays a one-handed game of "mercy" with him. Shane then drops Kidman crotch first onto the top rope. Shane lets some weak looking whips fly and Kidman fires back. 10 punches of death! Frankensteiner off the second rope! Sit-out powerbomb! 1, 2, kickout! Kidman tears off the t-shirt Shane has been wearing and whips him a few times. Shane tries going up top and Kidman slams him to the floor. Kidman hits a whip to the nuts and then a second rope bulldog! 1, 2, kickout! Torrie is up on the apron with her shoe in her hand. She swings and Kidman and nails Douglas. The crowd could care less. 1, 2, kickout. Shane reverses a whip and drops Kidman onto the top rope. 1, 2, kickout. Here's a Perfect Plex... no, Kidman counters into a small package! 1... Torrie rolls in and rolls the pin the other way. Douglas rises and HITS the Perfect Plex! 1, 2, kickout! Kidman slips out of a slam and shoves Douglas into Torrie. Tomikaze by Kidman! 1, 2, 3! Torrie's in with a chair... but Kidman sees her coming. He attaches Torrie to the strap and lightly whips her across the butt a few times. Douglas attacks! He wraps the strap around Kidman's throat and climbs the turnbuckles, trying to hang Kidman. Billy does dangle for a few seconds... and here's BIG VITO on his way down. He breaks things up and chases Shane off. A nice "Vito" chant springs up. When did he get over? Now here's RENO - BOYFRIEND OF SYREN attacking Vito from behind. Vito fires back and it's a brawl! There's got to be history between these two men, says the commentators. So Reno was once a mob thug, too? Vito tends to Kidman.
Your winner: Billy Kidman (match time: 8:22)
Booker T exits a car outside, limping around the area. I guess his wife didn't make it past the border patrol. Wait, here's Jeff Jarrett! He ATTACKS! Jeff knocks Booker into the car and pushes the car door against his knee. Then he SMASHES the door on the knee! AGAIN! AND AGAIN! JEFF JARRETT IS THE MAN!!!
MAJOR GUNNS vs. LEGGZZ in a R.O.T.C. match - HERE WE GO! Finally, some reward for sitting through what's been a BIG stinker thus far. I want some skin, Russo! Major Gunns enters first, dressed in her usual cutoffs and tank top. She plays up to the crowd. Miss Hancock then makes her entrance... she has a camouflage dress of sorts on with a really short skirt. It appears LIL' NAYTCH won the referee straw drawing contest tonight, as he'll be our official. There's the bell! Hancock wants a handshake... they shake and Gunns slaps her one! Hancock attacks. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Hancock whips Gunns into the corner... well, in a perfect world. These two suck so it's more like they both stumbled. Hancock delivers a handspring elbow that looks better than Muta's earlier tonight. Who'd have thought her cheerleading training would pay off so well? Gunns reverses a whip and hits a horrible kick to the gut. Snap mare on Hancock. Gunns goes to the legs... giant swing? No, she flips up for a pin and gives part of the crowd a nice crotch shot of Hancock. Miss Hancock rises back up and kind of hits a clothesline. She tears Gunns' tank top off to reveal her usual bikini top... and makes a cover. 1, 2, kickout. Pins? Isn't the point to strip your opponent? Hancock chokes Gunns with her boot. She whips Gunns to the ropes... LEAPFROG by Hancock! That didn't suck. She bends over for a backdrop and Gunns puts on the breaks. WOO!! Look at Hancock's ass! X-FACTOR BY GUNNS! Sort of. She mounts Hancock and tears off her bottom, revealing a smaller pair of shorts. Gunns with a bodyslam! 1, 2, kickout. Hancock goes to the eyes to get things going her way. She goes to the second rope... she shakes her moneymaker! WOO! Hancock dives with a cross body. 1, 2, kickout! KIP-UP by Miss Hancock! She rushes Gunns in a corner and takes a stiff looking kick to the gut. Who's idea was it to give them all this time to WRESTLE in this match? Gunns barely makes it up to the second rope in her bare feet, but she manages a sunset flip. 1, 2, kickout. The fans are chanting something, but I can't tell what... it doesn't seem related to the match, whatever it is. Hancock whips Gunns to the ropes and then misses a cross body. She rolls out to the floor and holds her stomach in pain. You're not supposed to eat Mexican before a big match! Gunns comes off the apron with an axhandle. She tries dragging Hancock by the hair, but Hancock shoves her off into the post. Hancock tears off Gunns' bottom! WOOO! Gunns is now clad in only a bikini. She attacks Hancock in the aisle and rips off HER top to reveal a bikini top. Gunns tries tosses Hancock into the mud pit, but Hancock crashes into the sandbags around it instead. Gunns tries to charge and Hancock "backdrops" her into the mud! Hancock tries walking off, but gets dragged into the mud herself. They flop around like pigs trying to eat for a few moments before Hancock slams Gunns into the sandbags. Hancock starts grooving... she's rubbin' her boobs! Then she grabs her stomach dramatically and falls down. Oh, lord. Gunns mounts her for the pin! 1, 2, 3! The music quickly cuts out as Robinson and Gunns attend to Miss Hancock. Here's DAVID FLAIR diving into the mud pit to help. Hancock grasps at her stomach and cries. Must be cramps... somebody get her some Midol.
Your winner: Major Gunns (match time: 6:43)
We cut to the commentators, who show us "concern". Hancock is being put onto a stretcher. They all seem clueless as to what could POSSIBLY be wrong with her. The best part: As Tony says we're going backstage for an interview, Madden grabs at Tony's papers and says "does it say anything?" OH MY!!! THIS IS REAL LIFE!!!
Pamela is now standing by with the Dark Carnival. Demon's match with Sting is his entrance test into the group, it would appear.
The commentators are still worried. It wasn't a part of the show, says Tony. Madden sledgehammers home that Hancock didn't take any damage in the match to account for massive abdominal pain. My goodness, then what on Earth could be wrong with her?!
Now Hancock is being taken to an ambulance on a stretcher. She seems totally relaxed, but then breaks back into pained crying... someone must have told her the camera was on. Tony says "Stacy Keibler" to drive home that THIS IS REAL!!! Hudson confirms that what happened wasn't on his script... oh, and that Hancock's real name is STACY KEIBLER. Madden AGAIN tells us that she didn't take any damage during the match to explain her pains. SHUT THE FUCK UP, you giant waste of space. You sound like SUCH a tool trying to sell a "real" situation. That really goes for all 3, not just Madden.
You know what the worst part is, though? Because of this segment, on some distant day in the future, both Major Gunns and Miss Hancock will add "dramatic actress" to their résumé.
THE DEMON - A MAIN EVENT SUPERSTAR vs. REVEREND STING - Demon enters without incident. Sting repels down from the ceiling. In Canada? Demon rushes to attack and Sting kicks his ass all over ringside. They roll in... STINGER SPLASH!!! The Demon falls back... SCORPION DEATHDROP!!! 1, 2, 3!! That's EXACTLY how this match should have gone. Well, Gene Simmons might disagree. VAM-PIE-RO & MUTA quickly rush down and lay into Sting. They drag him up the aisle and wrap the cord he repelled down around his neck. Now KRONIC is out to save the day. We get a goofy Muta face right in the camera! Kronic chases Muta and Vampiro off... now Adams has the stick! "Hey Vamp... Muta. I'm glad you boys showed up tonight. You know, somebody told me that Vancouver was definitely down with the Kronic." Cheers. "So if you ladies aren't busy later on, how'd you like a shot at the tag team gold? Tag team titles match, tonight! Tonight!" Vamp makes the "belt" motion, so I guess they've accepted. We'll show you punks it's all about Kronic!" That's right, because what this show needed was MORE OF KRONIC!!!
Your winner: Sting (match time: 0:53)
Booker T is being worked on by a trainer backstage. Booker demands that the camera leave and the trainer puts his hand in the lens.
MR. PERSONALITY LANCE STORM vs. CHUBBY CHASER MIKE AWESOME for the WCW "Canadian" Championship - As Awesome enters, Madden says he became a Canadian citizen earlier in the day. And the amount of people running for the border triples. Storm's music hits and he gets a Goldberg entrance with the entourage that arrived with him earlier. You know, as Madden talks about Storm being a "serious athlete" and a "technical wrestler", I finally realized who his announcing skills are comparable to: Dawn Marie. Storm enters the arena with his 3 belts, getting a solid pop from the crowd. Lance has the stick! "After wrestling for rude and obnoxious crowds in the US... I finally get to wrestle for some REAL wrestling fans in the greatest country in the world." Crowd: "US sucks! US sucks!" Then why are you paying to see an AMERICAN wrestling company? Morons. "If you're wondering why the security entourage in the back, it's because I've become a marked and hated man in the US. Despite claims of being a patriotic nation, they spit on me for defending my own country. It is irrational American thinking like that that had me worried of a terrorist attack in the back. It is not my fault the Americans think they rule the world. It's not my fault that I threaten that illusion. It is not my fault that tonight I defeat yet another American hero, Mike Awesome. Now in accordance with a Canadian championship bout, I invoke rule number 32B and name a special referee to oversee the enforcement...". Big crowd pop and "We Want Bret" chants. "To oversee the enforcement of the Canadian rulebook. I give you an honorable, true Canadian." Crowd: "Yay, Bret!" Storm: "Jacques Rougeau." Crowd: "...". And here is DA MOUNTIE on his way to the ring, holding the Canadian rulebook and wearing a ref shirt with a Canadian flag on the chest. "Let's do this right one time from the beginning. All rise for the playing of our Canadian national anthem!" While I have a minute... wasn't Rougeau a Quebecer? As in "from Quebec"? Assuming I'm up-to-date on my Canadian provincial spats, doesn't Quebec want to separate itself from the rest of Canada? So what does Rougeau care about this? Anyway, the song ends and in a move showing all that's wrong with WCW, the cameras pan to Madden so he can wipe away fake tears instead of keeping on Storm in case he did the same. Jacques goes outside and "SLICK" MARK JOHNSON remains the in-ring referee. Awesome enters and we're underway! Mike hammers Lance and flattens him with a shoulderblock. There's an AWESOME double-underhook into a pancake! Storm takes some more blows and Awesome drills him with a running corner clothesline. AWESOME LEGDROP! 1, 2, kickout. Storm hits a chinbreaker. There's a superkick! He runs Mike through the ropes into a corner post, then hits a corner clothesline of his own. Chops in the corner! Mike fires back. Awesome blocks a suplex and tries one of his own... Storm slips out! Mike nails him and clotheslines him to the floor. AWESOME AXHANDLE off the apron! Storm is whipped into the railing. Mike pulls out a table! Another "ECW" chant fires up. Mike sets for an Awesome Bomb... but Lance runs him into the railing. Storm rolls Mike back inside. Springboard dropkick! 1, 2, kickout! Storm tries a dive off the second rope and gets caught in a belly-to-belly. Awesome goes up top... he slips! The crowd starts laughing at him. Mike hits a clothesline and points to the table on the outside. Lance slips out of the Awesome Bomb and gets a backslide! 1, 2, kickout! Storm goes for the half-crab and Mike kicks him away. Lance tries a Frankensteiner and gets powerbomed! 1, 2, 3!! Lance makes a last second kickout, but I think the 3 had already hit. Rougeau says it was a 2 count, but Johnson raises Awesome's hand anyway. As Penzer makes the announcement, Rougeau starts instructing him. "Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention, I have just been informed by Jacques Rougeau that, according to Canadian rules, you must beat your opponent with a 5 count... therefore, the match continues." What is this shit? Lance tries a sunset flip over the ropes and Mike spikes him down. Awesome grabs the legs and flips over. 1, 2, 3, kickout! Well, that's twice Mike has cleanly beaten him. Dragon sleeper by Awesome! Hudson gains points by mentioning Ultimo Dragon and how he had multiple title belts at one time. Storm TAPS! Rougeau interrupts the announcement again. Now submissions don't count for a championship match in Canada. Yeah, this makes Storm look GREAT in his home country. I hate WCW. Lance with a northern lights suplex! 1, 2, kickout. Lance escapes a slam attempt and rolls Mike back into a pin! 1, 2, kickout! Lance misses a clothesline and Mike hits a BIG release German suplex! Mike goes to the apron... slingshot shoulderblock! 1, 2, 3, kickout! There's FOUR straight jobs by Storm. Awesome goes up top! AWESOME AWESOME SPLASH!!! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! FIVE jobs in one match, one being by a full 5 count. Rougeau stops the announcement AGAIN. Now Storm has a 10 count to reach his feet. Where's the Cat to stop this? Why doesn't Mike go kick Rougeau's ass? And why isn't Madden asking if this is in Tony's script? Lance reaches his feet just in time and Mike clotheslines him to the floor. Awesome follows him out and puts the table inside the ring. Storm hits a low blow on the outside and nails Mike with a chairshot to the head. They roll back inside. Storm covers. 1, 2, 3, 4, kickout! Wow, Lance finally gets a 3 count. Storm puts Mike on the table and goes up top... but Mike rolls off and climbs up with Lance. Both guys stand on the top rope... and they both fall back through the table! Rougeau tells Penzer that the first man to his feet by a 10 count will win the match and the title. WHAT? Jacques enters and counts along with Johnson. Awesome is up at 7 and Rougeau knocks him back down while Johnson is counting Lance. Storm is up at 9 for the win. The crowd looks like pathetic sheep as they cheer this sorry crock of shit. "He lost 5 straight times and looked like a huge bitch, but he's from Canada! Woo!" Storm holds up his belts. Hold on... here's BRET HART on his way down! The crowd gives him a big response and it's good to see him back. He's looking a little soft under his t-shirt, but having a head injury that keeps you from working out for 8 months will probably do that to you. Bret enters the ring and embraces Storm and Rougeau with a hug. I guess this is a heel turn of sorts? All three head up the aisle as Bret thinks to himself "I might have been screwed in Canada, but at least I didn't job here FIVE TIMES!"
Your winner and still Canadian champion: Lance Storm (match time: we'll say 11:00)
If YOU ordered New Blood Rising, send away for your FREE Vampiro t-shirt! Because we can't get anyone to pay for them!
Pamela is backstage with Kevin Nash, who says Goldberg's accident was pissing him off and not anything on a motorcycle. Nash is "going over" Steiner because he's in this for two things, the money and the belt. What about the chicks, Kev? And the booze?
ELEVATED YOUNG TALENT VAM-PIE-RO & THE GREAT MUTA vs. WCW PROMOTES ILLEGAL DRUG USE for the WCW World Tag Team Championship - Vamp and Muta enter to the ICP song... but where's the ICP? Wait, don't answer that, I don't care. Kronic enters without incident. Vamp gets all up in their area, but the ref gets him to back up. Here we go! Adams starts off by tossing Vamp outside like a rag doll. Wrath ends up the legal man for his team as Vampiro comes back inside. Vamp unloads some kicks and punches to get things going. Wrath nails a shoulderblock and covers for a 2 count. Vamp tries a Frankensteiner and gets powerbomed! 1, 2, kickout! Tag to Crush. Kronic hits a double-team elbow. The announcers talk about the condition of STACY KEIBLER. I sure hope STACY KEIBLER is all right. Did you know her real name is STACY KEIBLER? See, you can tell that what happened earlier was an unplanned break of the script by the way they still call her STACY KEIBLER well after it happened, because REAL names mean it's REAL! Anyway, back to the match. Muta nails Crush as he hits the ropes and Vamp hits a kick to the chest. Tag to Muta! He unloads some shots onto Crush. HANDSPRING ELBOW... no, Crush catches him in a full nelson! Full nelson slam! 1, 2, kickout! I notice the announcers don't refer to it as the "fatty boom batty" any longer. One would assume they were told to cut back on the pot references, although the whole "kronic" and "high times" stuff is apparently acceptable. Wrath gets tagged in and he works over Muta in a corner. The crowd is SO dead. Muta ducks a clothesline and tags in Vamp. Vamp runs right into a powerslam! 1, 2, kickout. Tag to Crush. He works over Vamp in Kronic's corner. A big boot sends Vamp out to the floor. Crush follows him out. Gorilla press slam on the floor! Vamp is rolled back inside and Crush tries a powerbomb... but Vamp counters into a faceslam! YOU CAN'T RIP OFF KIDMAN! A few kicks take Adams down and Vamp tags Muta back in. Muta works over Crush's legs with some stomps and kicks. Vamp is tagged in again. He kicks Adams back down and hits a knee to the balls. Vamp leans Crush across the ropes and chops away at him. Muta joins in and Wrath runs in, but gets forced out by the referee. Muta pulls Crush out and whips him into the railing. Back inside, Crush ducks a kick from Vampiro and they collide. Both men are down! Vamp makes the tag... so does Adams! Wrath comes in to NO CROWD RESPONSE WHATSOEVER! Muta goes down! MELTDOWN ON VAMPIRO!! Muta unloads a few kicks... GREEN MIST!!! It hits the referee! Wrath hits a belly-to-back suplex as Crush re-enters the ring. They go for High Times on Muta... Vamp breaks it up! The crowd rises up... here's THE HARRIS BOYS coming through the people. Oh, yay. The twins attack Kronic. H-BOMB on Wrath! MUTA HITS THE MOONSAULT! The blinded ref crawls over. 1, 2, 3! The Harris brothers escape through the crowd as Muta and Vampiro hold the belts high. Boy, I can't wait for the Harris/Kronic feud. It seems Muta and Vamp will now be defending against the Animals on Nitro. And I bet they lose.
Your winners and new WCW World Tag Team Champions: Vampiro & The Great Muta (match time: 9:06)
Pamela talks with Booker T. You know, for all his talk about hating the game and not the player, you would think Booker would be mad at the world title due to the competition surrounding it and what that competition makes people do... and not at Jeff Jarrett for doing those things. But you'd be WRONG, as despite all his talk, Booka ain't nuthin' but a tired-ass playa hater. Booker even tosses in his catchphrase to further prove his hypocrisy.
A video package shows us the exciting angle behind the 3-way match. Wait, there ISN'T an angle, just threats of shooting during the match. My bad.
WOLF PACKER KEVIN NASH vs. PILL POPPER PUMP vs. WILLIAM GOLDBERG in a Triple Threat match for the #1 contender spot - Nash enters first and fails to let us know that he's in the house. Steiner heads down by himself. I miss Midajah. The announcers get all "inside" on us by talking about what's supposed to happen and what if Steiner doesn't like it or Nash doesn't like it or... bah, this sucks. Goldberg's music starts despite the fact that we're told he isn't here. And nobody comes down. The camera finds a "GOLDBERG FEARS GILLBERG" sign in the crowd and they STAY on it. The music stops and the fans boo. Wait, here's the music again. Still nobody. Who cares? Let's get his over with, please. Nash agrees with me as he signals for the music to be cut. Here we go! They lock up and Steiner gets Nash against a corner. Big knees by Scott. There's some chops. Nash reverses a whip into a kneelift. BIG BOOT! So are they shooting? Steiner rolls outside and Nash follows him. Scott gets whipped hard into the railing and then Nash drops him on it chest-first. Hold on, HERE comes GOLDBERG... he's sprinting down the aisle with his ribs taped up. He's got a chair! Nash takes a chairshot and goes down. Steiner nails Goldberg and rolls him inside. A Steinerline takes Bill down. 1, 2, kickout. Scott hits an overhead suplex. 1, 2, kickout. Goldberg ducks a clothesline and hits a jumping shoulder tackle. SUPERKICK! What must Bret think? Steiner goes outside and Nash is coming in on the other side... he trips as he steps over the top! Ha! They trade shots. Are they shooting yet? Hudson loses points by saying Nash beat Goldberg at "Starrcade 88". Goldberg works over Nash in a corner, but Nash fires back. Big knees to the taped ribs of Goldberg. Steiner flies in out of nowhere and nails Nash. Spinning belly-to-belly! 1, 2, kickout! Steiner goes after the ref. Another Steinerline takes Nash down. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, kickout! Scott gives the ref a "YOU SUCK!". Now Goldberg works over Steiner. There's a suplex. Steiner reverses a whip and they hit a double clothesline. Both men are down! Nash is standing. He hits a double clothesline of his own as Goldberg and Steiner stand. Side suplex on Scott. BIG BOOT on Goldberg. Down come the straps! He pulls Goldberg in... Goldberg shoves him off. Nash gives us a look of surprise as Goldberg walks off. OH MY GOD, HE'S SHOOTING!!! Here's BATMAN coming down. "Get your ass back in the ring!" "FUCK YOU!" And Bill disappears backstage while Russo looks agitated. Steiner jumps Nash from behind and they go outside, where Steiner keeps pounding him. They go back inside as the announcers tell us that Nash and Steiner must be "improvising" now. I can't believe this shit. Steiner scoops Nash up rather easily and hits a backbreaker. 1, 2, kickout. Steiner tries a corner charge and gets met with a boot to the face. Here's THE LOVELY MIDAJAH on her way down! Yay! Nash scoops Scott up and drops him in the Snake Eyes. Chokeslam attempt on Steiner... Scott shoves the ref down before the move and Midajah nails Nash low from behind! Scott pulls Nash up and Nash hits a low blow. Midajah comes back in and elbowdrops Nash in the balls! HA! Steiner makes a cover. 1, 2, kickout! Nash slips out of a slam attempt... SHITTY DDT BY NASH!!! He ups his move-set to SIX! Nash covers and Midajah runs back in and attacks him. Nash stalks towards her and Steiner jumps on his back. Nash rams Steiner into the corner to break it... there's another BIG BOOT! The straps go down again. JACKKNIFE!! 1, 2, 3! Holy SHIT, when's the last time Steiner did a job? And Kevin Nash is the #1 contender for the world title, because having him main event is EXACTLY what WCW needs!
Your winner: Kevin Nash (match time: 10:49)
We go to the announcers, who talk about Goldberg's actions. Just in case someone wasn't sure if this was a work or not, Hudson calls Goldberg a crybaby which you know would NEVER EVER HAPPEN if what was going on was real.
A video package shows us the history between Jarrett and Booker T.
PLAYA HATER BOOKA TEE vs. RULER OF THE EARTH JEFF JARRETT for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Our old friend MICHAEL BUFFER is out for the intros. How'd he get past customs? Jarrett enters and gets his pyro routine. As if the booking for Jarrett the past few months hasn't sucked bad enough, Hudson says point blank that Jarrett's only won the belt before because of Russo. Booker walks down with a noticeable limp. The second he steps inside, Jarrett is ALL OVER HIM! Booker fires back with punches... there's an elbow to the chops. "AHHHHHH!!!" Booker hits a roll-up! 1, 2, kickout! Spinning wheel kick! Powerbomb! 1, 2, kickout! Booker hits a superkick and follows up with a clothesline to the floor. They brawl on the outside and Jarrett eats the railing. He tastes it a second time. A double reversal sees Jarrett hit the railing a THIRD time. Booker rolls him back inside and now isn't selling the knee injury at all. "AHHHHHH!!!" Booker slides outside the ring and trips Jarrett down, then crotches him on the ringpost. Then he does it again! Booker walks around ringside like there's nothing wrong with him. Booker goes up top... MISSILE DROPKICK MISSES! Jeff goes after the leg with stomps and kicks. He goes outside and pulls Booker to the post, smashing his knee against the steel. And again! Jarrett with a chair smash to the knee! Booker falls out to the floor as Jarrett holds the belt aloft. Jeff grabs the chair again and jabs the edge of it into Booker's knee. He lifts Booker up and crotches him on the railing. Jeff rolls Booker back inside... here's a Boston Crab! In yet another example of why WCW announcers suck, Hudson calls the match a "classic" despite it barely being 5 minutes old. Booker reaches the ropes to break the hold before rolling out to the floor. Jeff follows him and smashes Booker's knee with a chair again. Jarrett rolls Booker back inside and Booker reverses a corner charge into a sunset flip! 1, 2, kickout! They both hit the ropes and we see a double clothesline. Both men are down! The crowd couldn't care ANY LESS at this point. They rise up around the ref's 9 count and Booker starts unloading shots. There's a spinebuster! 1, 2, kickout! Knee to the gut... AX KICK!! BOOKER SPINS UP! Boy, his knee must be killing him. The ref takes an accidental shot to the face as Booker stands up... and Jarrett grabs the guitar! Booker tries a Harlem Sidekick and JEFF SMASHES HIM!!! Yes! Jeff pulls Booker into center ring... FIGURE FOUR!!! The ref crawls over to check on Booker, who's trying to fight out. 1, 2, kickout! The announcers, as expected, talk about the pain Booker's feeling and his courage and all that other crap. But it's FAKE, guys, this entire thing was PLANNED. Remember? Booker tries reversing the hold... but Jeff keeps it his way! Booker starts inching towards the ropes. He's got 'em. Bah. Jeff refuses to break the hold and keeps it on about 25 more seconds before the ref gets close to a 5 count. Booker rolls outside and Jeff grabs the title belt. The ref stands behind Booker to help him up and, as everyone could see coming, Jarrett nails the ref with the belt by accident. Booker positions a table near the ring and brawls with Jarrett on the apron. Jeff goes for a Stroke onto the table... Booker elbows his way free! He grabs Jeff in Rock Bottom position... and he drops Jeff THROUGH THE TABLE! Booker falls off the apron himself and both guys are down on the floor. Referee JAMIE TUCKER runs down and begins counting them out. Booker rolls inside at 9 to break the count, then he rolls Jarrett back inside. Cover! 1, 2, Jarrett puts his foot on the ropes. The crowd is chanting "Hogan" for some reason. Jeff rolls outside and grabs a chair. Booker moves in and takes a low blow. The ref comes to check on Jeff and Jeff hits him with the chair! The announcers assume it was an accident. Jeff sets up the chair in center ring... STROKE ONTO THE CHAIR! Jarrett covers! LIL' NAYTCH runs down. 1, 2, kickout! Madden ups the match from "classic" to "epic". Booker ducks a chairshot and hits... a Diamond Cutter of sorts, I guess. 1, 2, kickout! Charles puts the chair outside the ring. Jeff goes up to the second rope... Booker catches him in Rock Bottom position! Jeff breaks free! Booker reverses a whip... ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3! Madden: "That, my friends, is a REAL world heavyweight champion who just won a REAL world heavyweight title match." Could this promotion be any more fucked up? Booker celebrates the win and gets nailed right in the chest with a drink. The gods of irony strike as the PPV closes with a bunch of garbage filling the ring.
Your winner and still WCW World Champion: Booker T (match time: 14:31)
Next month, it's Fall Brawl! ORDER NOW!
Man, did that suck. In fact, "suck" might not be strong enough. The show was simply horrible. Let's examine some highlights: the match with the most potential to be good is put on FIRST so that we forget about it by the time we hit the upper-mid card matches... and it only turns out to be an okay spot-fest. Judy Bagwell and David Arquette both involved with the same match. The tag title match is a HUGE clusterfuck filled with people that neither I or the crowd give a rat's ass about. Someone allowed Major Gunns and Miss Hancock to attempt actual wrestling, then the lame delivery of the pregnancy/miscarriage/whatever angle, with the even WORSE sell-job by the commentators. The idiotic booking of Lance Storm's match. Kronic wrestling twice in one show. The ridiculous "shoot" crap. The only good decision on this show was that Sting completely squashed the Demon, but that just led to more matches with Kronic.
What's worse is that the main event was a solid match, but the crowd was so dead by then that they didn't care what they were seeing. And now we get to see Kevin Nash main event the next PPV, assuming that his #1 contender status holds up. And since this is WCW, that's hardly a sure thing... but since Nash isn't Ric Flair, it's a safe bet that HE will get to keep his main event slot until the next show. That is if Russo doesn't take it so he can wrestle Goldberg.
The "shoot" execution was even lamer than I thought it would be... shit, after all that build-up of a legit fight they didn't even deliver anything except Goldberg walking out. And then they doubled up by trying to convince us that Miss Hancock's angle was real. Hancock, Gunns, and David Flair couldn't act their way out of a wet paper bag, but it wouldn't be as bad if the announcers weren't SO pathetic in trying to sell it as being real. From now on, don't tell them of these things in advance. Maybe if they don't KNOW it's fake, they'll be able to sell it better. But I doubt it.
I have nothing more to say about this show, except that I hope it's never made reference to ever again. It was just THAT bad.
But on a happy note... the latest WWF Divas tape review is on it's way in the next week or so! So stay tuned for BOOBIES! And I'll see you back here next month.