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WCW Bash at the Beach


by Chris Jones


Upside, inside out... she's livin' la vida loca... she'll push and pull you down... livin'...

Ahem... sorry. Greetings, everyone! And welcome to YOUR Road Wild Recap! I am your hero, your role model, your paragon of virtue... "Kittenheart" Chris Jones-ico... and as you may have noticed, I've got that Ricky Martin tune on the brain. Earlier today I overheard that damn song and I haven't gotten it out of my head since! I downloaded Tom Green's "bum bum" song to attempt a cure, but nothing's worked yet. If you know any good methods of freeing yourself of that sort of thing, please, pass them along.

And on the subject of telling me things, thanks to the several people who sent me links to Sable's recent Playboy pictures after I mentioned that I hadn't seen them. Strangely enough, I did see them in between my writing that column and it going on the page... but I appreciate it nonetheless.

In other news, a few people were upset that I hadn't included their letters in my last column. I'm of the school that people read recaps for details on something they might have missed, not to spend half of it wading through other things to find what they're looking for. So I promise that my next non-recap will feature more things from yourselves (and I've got a really funny story about my Nitro Girl report, rumors of Chae's sexual preference, and a newsboard writer asking me to "comment" on the situation), but bear with me for now as we begin our journey to Road Wild!

Opening video packages hype the main event. Pop quiz: after tonight, which wrestler will we never see again, Hogan or Nash? If you said "C", none of the above, give yourself a cigar! If you said "D", hopefully both, I wholeheartedly agree. Also tonight... will Sid do a J-O-B on P-P-V? Will Chris Benoit be allowed to keep a belt for an entire week? And how far back will Dennis Rodman's match set pro wrestling? We'll find out TONIGHT!

Hey, didn't they promise the Hummer driver again tonight? Can they possibly screw us twice at consecutive events? I can hardly wait to find out!

Aerial shots of the Black Hills begin our action where we are LIVE in Sturgis, South Dakota! Hot damn, there's a lot of bikers there. Doesn't Sturgis have a reputation for hundreds of flashers? Why hasn't there ever been one at Road Wild? Oh well. Maybe tonight!

We get a look at our hosts for this evening's festivities , TONY "SCOTT HUDSON? WHO'S SCOTT HUDSON?" SCHIAVONE, BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN, and "PROFESSOR, IRON, etc. etc." MIKE TENAY, who are sportin' their best biker wear. Tony hypes up the return of Hulk Hogan while I picture Tony going into a biker bar and getting the shit kicked out of him for wearing that outfit. It's a career match in the main event! The effects will be felt all over the wrestling world for years to come, says Tenay. I guess Tenay uses a much shorter calendar than the rest of us. The "Millennium Man" (which millennium, exactly?) Sid wrestles Sting, Goldberg faces Rick Steiner, and they give away a FREE American Ironhorse motorcycle! Can it possibly get ANY better?

Hotline shill... but no Mean Gene! How am I supposed to get pumped for the show without Gene's mandatory hotline plug?

Video clips show us the history of the Dead Pool. I notice that Konnan's total number appearances in this package equal a fat zero. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

THE GOTHIC ODDITIES (with Raven) vs. HOOTIE HOO MYSTERIO, EDDIE GUERRERO, & KIDMAN - Vampiro and ICP make their way down to ICP's catchy new tune. Shaggy 2 Dope looks like he's nine years old with no hair. Tenay slips in a plug for ICP's new album. Finally, their WCW gig pays off! The Three Amigos make their way down as several females in the crowd are shown, but none of them flash. Don't they know where they are? The Amigos rush the Dead Pool and we're underway! ICP gets tossed to the outside. Kidman and Eddie whip Vampiro to the ropes and hit a double clothesline. A triple team on Vamp ends with a suplex from Eddie. Kidman stays in and whips Vamp to the ropes. Reversal, Kidman blocks a slam and hits a Sky High! Tag to Eddie, who hits a somersault senton over the top. Rey comes in illegally with a springboard legdrop. Eddie throws Vamp to the floor, where Kidman stomps him and tosses him back in. Whip to the ropes, Eddie ducks and hits a flying elbow. Vamp into a corner, whip to the other side, Eddie with a monkey flip! Vamp almost stays on his feet. Eddie grabs Vamp's leg and gets caught with a twisting kick that knocks him flat. Vamp chops Eddie and throws him to the Dead Pool corner, where ICP gets some shots in. Vamp throws Eddie outside. Both ICP members work Eddie over and Violent J slams Eddie down, making a loud THUMP on the platform the ring is on. Eddie gets thrown back in. Vamp backs him into a corner and ICP gets off some more shots. Tag to Violent J. Whip to the ropes and a clothesline. J hits a jawbreaker on Eddie. Eddie's back in the Pool corner and Shaggy gets the tag. Big suplex on Eddie from Shaggy! Shaggy hits the ropes and drops an elbow. Tag back to Vampiro and Eddie gets worked over in the corner again. Eddie comes back and springs off the ropes, nailing a Frankensteiner. Violent J runs in and takes Eddie down before he can tag. Vampiro with a Rock Bottom. He covers and Kidman pulls him off. Tag to Shaggy but both ICP come in and hit a double suplex on Eddie. Shaggy goes to the top and Eddie hits the ropes, crotching him. Superplex on Shaggy! Both men are down. Shaggy tags in Violent J. Eddie tags Rey! Rey in with a springboard whoopie cushion, then he nails Vamp on the apron. Spingboard moonsault by Rey! Vamp pulls him off before the 3. Rey gets tripped up by Raven and pulled to the outside. Vampiro hits the Nail in the Coffin on the floor! Rey gets thrown into the steps, then chopped by Vampiro. Vamp throws Rey back inside and Violent J meets him with a side slam. A cover gets him 2. J works over Rey and whips him into a corner chest first. Kidman breaks up a cover at 2. J with an atomic drop on the knee. Tag into Vampiro. Vamp nails Kidman on the apron, drawing him in. Tenay mentions that many radio stations refuse to play ICP material. Boy, they sound family friendly! Vampiro sets Rey for a running Liger bomb but tosses him through the air instead. Vamp drops a low knee and makes a tag to Shaggy. Shaggy with a running powerslam! They've been training, I see. Eddie breaks up a pin attempt. Shaggy throws Rey outside to Raven, who mocks Rey and throws him back inside. Shaggy whips Rey to the ropes, Rey slides under Shaggy's legs, but gets drilled with a clothesline. Rey gets backed a corner, whip to the other side, Shaggy eats a boot. Then another. Rey to the top, split legged moonsault! Tag to Kidman! Dropkick on Shaggy! There's one for Violent J! Vampiro comes in and misses a clothesline, but gets caught in a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Eddie. Rey with a bronco buster on Violent J. Shaggy gets thrown into a superkick from Vampiro. Rey leaps to the outside to take out Violent J. Eddie does likewise to Vamp. Kidman goes to the top. Shooting Star Press! 1, 2, 3! Raven's in a second too late. Eddie pokes Raven in the eye, then celebrates with the team. Replays show us highlights of the match.

Your Winners: Rey Mysterio Jr, Eddie Guerrero, and Kidman (match time: 12:22)

WCW.COM plug.

Clips of Booker T ruining his promising career for his family are shown. Saying "the reunion of Harlem Heat" would have also worked here.

There's a bunch of bikers in downtown Sturgis.

DA JOYSEY TRIAD vs. HARLEM HEAT - It's Kanyon and Bam Bam for the Triad. Kanyon's got the microphone but he doesn't ask his question as the revving of the motorcycles drowns him out. Stevie Ray doesn't tell us how he's gonna knock a sucka out as the Heat enters, much to my disappointment. They enter and we begin! Bam Bam and Booker brawl, as do Kanyon and Stevie. Kanyon gets tossed outside. We see a blown spot already as Bam Bam gets whipped towards Stevie, who misses something, causing Bam Bam to stand there and wait for Booker to Harlem sidekick him. Tenay discusses the possibility of "team rust" on Harlem Heat. Sure, blame both of them for Stevie sucking. Kanyon and Stevie are legal. Kanyon wants a test of strength, but opts to kick Stevie in the gut instead. He pounds on Ray a bit and backs him into a corner, driving shoulders into his stomach. Whip to the ropes, reversal, Kanyon gets caught in a gorilla press slam! He bails out as Bam Bam runs in and gets nailed by Booker. Stevie has trouble but he gives Bammer a bodyslam. Kanyon comes back inside and says he wants Booker. Stevie tags out. I notice that referee Charles Robinson has gone back to his "natural" fake hair color. Lock up, Booker forces Kanyon into a corner and stomps a mud hole in him. Side headlock into an arm bar by Booker. Kanyon throws back an elbow to break it, then chokes Booker down. Booker goes into a corner and eats a few punches. Whip to the ropes, reversal, shoulderblock by Kanyon. They hit the ropes again and it's Booker with a leapfrog and a dropkick. Bam Bam breaks up a cover. Booker tags out, as does Kanyon. Stevie tries getting the crowd behind him. Good luck, Stevie! Not that I'm saying they're a bunch of racist rednecks or anything. They lock up and Stevie clamps on a headlock. Bammer shoves him into the ropes and they collide with neither man moving. They try it again and neither moves. Bam Bam with a boot to the gut and a whip, he misses a clothesline, Stevie hits his. Bam Bam with a headbutt to the stomach and Kanyon gets the tag. He comes in with a double axhandle from the top rope. A snap mare takes Stevie down, then repeated elbows keep him there. Kanyon suckers Booker in, then chokes Stevie behind the ref's back. Tag to Bam Bam. Stevie's whipped into the corner and gets a double avalanche. Bam Bam snap mares Stevie into a reverse chinlock. Stevie fights to his feet and breaks free, but Bam Bam knees him in the gut. A headbutt and a cover get him 2. Tag to Kanyon. Another cover on Stevie gets 2. Stevie comes back with a few punches and a slam. He misses an elbow. The Triad sets for a spike piledriver, but Stevie slingshots Kanyon to the buckle, crotching Bammer on the top. Stevie tags Booker! Kanyon gets hammered. Flying forearm takes Kanyon down. Harlem side kick! 1, 2, Kanyon gets out. Booker prepares for the ax kick, but Bam Bam pulls down the top rope bringing Booker to the floor. Booker gets thrown into the steel railing, then the steps. Back inside, it's Kanyon with a top rope Rocker Dropper. Booker escapes a pin at 2. Kanyon tries the Rocker Dropper again and Booker counters with a powerbomb! Tag to Stevie. Tag to Bam Bam. It's a brawl! Stevie gets the worst of it, but comes back with a kick. Here's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE to save the day! DDP's up on the apron. Bam Bam throws Stevie in, reversal, Bam Bam and DDP collide! Booker with a missile dropkick from the top! Stevie covers! 1, 2, 3! We have new tag team champs! Harlem Heat is all hugs on the outside. Eight times, says Booker. I can dig it. Replays show us that Booker got all the talent in the family.

Your winners and new Tag Team Champions: Harlem Heat (match time: 13:08)

Video clips show us the heated feud between the West Texas Rednecks and the Revolution, which apparently is one single incident.

THE WESTSIDE REDNECKS (with Kendall Windham) vs. THE REVOLUTION (without Chris Benoit) - By the listing of who is and isn't out with the groups, you can see who's wrestling for the teams. The Rednecks enter to "Rap Is Crap". I thought they had a new song, what gives? The Revolution enters to Saturn's music, because images of Marilyn Manson is exactly what you want to put in the head of several thousand drunken, violent bikers. Boy, talk about having little impact... Douglas is just another name in WCW now. I'd like to know his reaction to Jericho's Raw debut. Saturn takes the microphone and tells them to get in the ring. They do and it's a brawl! The Revolution cleans house as the Rednecks scatter. Barry and Malenko decide to start off. Dean hits an arm drag. Barry gets whipped into a corner and clotheslined. Tag to Saturn. Double whip to the ropes, double elbow. Saturn knocks the Rednecks off the apron. Side headlock on the mat by Saturn, but Barry stands up. Saturn makes the tag to Douglas. Barry gets to his corner and tags Bobby Duncum. Douglas gets triple teamed. Whip to the ropes and Shane takes a boot to the face. Whip to the corner, reversal, Shane with a powerslam. Tag to Malenko... no, Dean says to tag Saturn. Saturn's in and kicks away at Duncum. Whip to the ropes, Saturn gets a boot to the head, tag to Barry. Saturn with a few suplexs. Hennig comes in and gets nailed. Saturn hits the ropes and Kendall uses his cowbell from the outside. Barry tags Hennig. Hennig chops Saturn in a corner, then hammers him down. Hennig with his snap mare/neck snap combo. Tag to Duncum and Saturn gets thrown outside, where Kendall uses the cow bell to work him over. Duncum throws Saturn in and gets a 2 count. Saturn hits a German suplex and then tags Malenko. Dean with a dropkick on Duncum, then a vertical suplex and some pounding. He makes the tag to Douglas. Dean hits a drop toe hold and Shane follows with an elbow drop. Perfect Plex attempt by Shane, but Hennig prevents the copyright infringement. Douglas gets knocked to the outside and is double teamed. Shane fights back and lifts Hennig in an atomic drop position, hitting both Curt's heads on the steel post (think about it, it'll come to you). Curt is thrown back in as Shane climbs to the top. Hennig catches him and hurls him across the ring. Tag to Barry. Belly to back suplex and a cover for 2. A whip to a corner and a big clothesline get Barry another 2 count. Tag to Duncum. Shoulder breaker on Shane. 1, 2, Saturn breaks things up. Shane gets triple teamed as the ref puts Saturn back out. Kendall chokes Douglas with his rope. Hennig is now legal. He hammers Shane in a corner. Tag to Duncum. Whip to the ropes, boot to the gut, float over suplex for 2. A reverse chin lock gives Shane a breather. He fights up and gets the knee to the gut as he comes off the ropes. Barry is tagged in and hits a DDT. He covers for 2. Whip to the ropes, Barry drops down and knocks heads with Shane as he hops up. Tag to Duncum. Whip into a corner followed with a running clothesline. Bobby tries again and eats a boot. Shane tags in Saturn! The crowd... claps. Saturn takes out the rednecks, but gets nailed by Barry. Everybody's in! Tony mockingly says "pier six brawl", perhaps making fun of Jim Ross. Grow up, Tony. Malenko gets the Cloverleaf on Hennig! But Kendall slips in with the cowbell to break it up. Douglas sends Kendall to the outside. Saturn lifts Duncum... DVD! (Or LSD, if you prefer to pay homage to Louie Spicolli.) 1, 2, 3! The rednecks try to attack after the bell, but they wisely retreat. Saturn stomps the cowboy hats that remain in the ring.

Your winners: The Revolution (match time: 10:46)

Up next, Buff and the Cat! I thought Buff was getting a push. Who'd he piss off?

Clips show us this budding feud. Bagwell's Cat impersonation was pretty funny.

ERNIE "THE CAT" MILLER (with Sunny) vs. BUFF BAGWELL (with some stuff) - Sonny's wearing a leather vest and no shirt, which would rock if it were Tammy Sytch. Unfortunately, it's a scrawny Japanese guy. The Cat has on a similar outfit... and is that the "rebel" Confederate flag on his gloves? He's sold out his people! And isn't he anti-redneck? Cat takes the microphone and the bikes rev to keep him quiet. Cat: "I'm gonna whoop every stupid redneck out here!" Heenan: "We're gonna be here a while." Bagwell makes his entrance. You know, that "Buff Daddy" thing was funny the first time Buff said it. Now it's just stupid. Buff gets the stick but before he can speak, Miller takes it away and rips on the rednecks. Buff takes it back and gets out two words before the Cat steals it again. The gag here is that the motorcycles rev up so Miller can't talk. Miller goes to the outside to confront the fans and Buff can finally speak. "I think Sturgis is in agreement with this... you're not a crowd favorite, if you know what I mean!" Hey, he's got the flag on his gloves! He's just got a dark tan. Have some tolerance, Buff. "I think they're also in agreement with... why don't you just kiss our ass?" Cat comes back inside and shows off his gloves, trying to get the fans on his side. His wearing those gloves is funny on multiple levels. The bell rings and we're underway. Lockup and the Cat hits a hip toss, then mocks riding a motorcycle. Another lockup and Cat with a scoop slam and more mocking. The fans chant "pussy cat". It's better than what they COULD be chanting! Buff hits a series of slams, then clotheslines Cat to the outside. Miller regroups with Sonny. More "pussy cat" chants. Cat pounds Buff into the corner and appears to bite his neck. Whip to the ropes, Buff counters a slam and hits a few dropkicks. Buff climbs the corner and goes for the 10 punches of doom, but Cat hits a low blow at 9. Buff staggers out and gets caught with a superkick. Sonny chokes Buff on the bottom rope behind the ref's back. Cat covers for 2. He pulls Buff up and hits a roundhouse kick to the chest. Miller chokes Buff over the middle rope, then distracts the referee so Sonny can do it himself. Cat hooks on a reverse chinlock. Tony talks about Hulk Hogan's shocking return as Buff fights out. Cat tries a suplex but Buff blocks and hits one of his own. Buff with an atomic drop, then a reverse atomic drop. High cross body off the ropes only gets Buff a 2 count. Miller hits a chin breaker. Sonny jumps onto the apron with a briefcase. Miller tries to whip Buff to the briefcase, but Buff reverses and Miller runs into Sonny. Buff with a roll-up! 1, 2, 3! Huh, that's the second time they used that ending tonight. Miller hops up and lays Buff out. Sonny mocks Buff's posing routine. Don't tell me this feud will continue. The Cat deserves so much better.

Your winner: Buff Bagwell (match time: 7:19)

Up next, Chris Benoit and DDP! Who do YOU think will win?

Video clips show DDP learning that you don't talk about Benoit's mama. No, I'm serious.

CHRIS BENOIT (with the smarts in his back pocket) vs. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Bischoff in his back pocket) in a No DQ match for the United States Heavyweight Championship - DDP enters and sticks the microphone in his tights. Gross. He does his speech and the fans don't care enough to try drowning him out. DDP apologizes to Benoit for bringing up his mother. "I know you love your mother. But from what I understand, so can anybody for $2.99 a minute! OH!" Watch out, Dice! DDP is on your tail! The Crippler makes his entrance. Did you know his ring music was used in the "Best of Pamela Anderson" video that Playboy put out a few years ago? Well, it was! Tenay talks about "all the great names" who've won the United States title over the years. Yes, such as the One Man Gang, Mongo, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and David Flair. What a lineage! One of DDP's greatest matches was here last year with Jay Leno, says Tony. DDP starts out talking trash... and Benoit kicks him in the balls! Ha! Benoit unloads on Page as only Benoit can. Whip to the ropes, reversal, DDP gets in a boot. Page tries a powerbomb but Benoit hammers him in the head and falls down on top of him. DDP goes to the outside and Benoit hits a dropkick through the ropes. They fight on the outside, with Benoit being run into the railing a few times. DDP throws him back inside. The announcers can't stop talking about Hogan. Benoit gets whipped into a corner chest first. DDP hits a belly to belly for a 2 count. Page works over Benoit on the mat. Fireman's carry into a... well, he just lifted and dropped him. A cover gets 2. DDP with a Dominator onto the knee. Whip to the ropes... no, Page runs Benoit into his knee a few times. Now he whips him to the ropes and Benoit manages a roll up. Page kicks out and they briefly trade pin attempts. DDP smacks Benoit around some. Benoit fights back but comes off the ropes into a big spinebuster. Page covers for 2. He holds Benoit down for another 2. Page tries again and Benoit gets a sunset flip for 2. DDP hits a clothesline as they rise up. Page gets in Charles Robinson's face, then puts the boots to Benoit. Side slam from DDP earns him a 2 count. Benoit blocks another side slam and comes up with a jaw breaker. Benoit climbs the ropes like he's going for a moonsault and DDP catches him, hooking Benoit on the tree of woe. Page grabs Robinson, smacks him, and takes the belt off his pants. DDP whips Benoit across the chest as he hangs! And again! And again! Bobby gets Tony to admit he was never whipped as a kid, then tells Tony to get in the ring and receive the beating he sorely needs. Truer words were never spoken, Bobby. DDP chokes Benoit with the belt, but only gets a 2 count on a pin attempt. Page snap mares Benoit using the belt around Chris' throat. Again discussing Hogan, Tony says "I think (the fans) always loved him. I don't think it ever left." I suppose the last few years have just been a bad dream to Tony, only he's gotten fatter while he slept. DDP lifts Benoit for another Dominator and leaves Chris on his shoulder, using the belt around the throat to choke him. Benoit gets out and unloads on DDP, taking the belt and whipping him. German suplex! 2 count and Benoit holds the grip for another! Another 2 count! A third German suplex! Page kicks out. Benoit goes to the top... here's KANYON to ruin things! Benoit gets caught in a modified Rock Bottom by Page. A split screen shows the match and the Revolution backstage, watching a monitor. DDP gets a 2 count on Benoit. Kanyon up to the apron, DDP shoots Benoit towards him, but Benoit reverses... Page runs into Kanyon. Only the THIRD time they've done that spot tonight. Benot with a roll-up, but he only gets 2. BAM BAM BIGELOW is in with a big splash off the top rope. Page covers. 1, 2, Benoit kicks out! Hey Revolution, now would be a FINE time to come down. Kanyon is on the apron, holding onto Benoit. DDP whips Bam Bam towards Benoit, who moves, causing Bam Bam to smash into Kanyon (AGAIN with this spot) and he stumbles backwards and knocks down Page. Bam Bam does the "I fall and headbutt you in the balls" bit to DDP, then Benoit does it to Bam Bam. The Revolution is STILL backstage watching. Benoit to the top rope... swan dive on DDP! 1, 2, 3!! Benoit wins! Benoit wins! NOW the Revolution is out to help steal Benoit's spotlight. They all stick their faces in the camera and try out potential catchphrases for the group. Replays show good facial work by DDP during the multiple German suplexs.

Your winner and still United States Champion: Chris Benoit (match time: 12:22)

Up next, the 4 greatest matches in the history of pay-per-view! We're taken back to the announcers, who continue hyping Hogan. Bobby Heenan looks like a Dusty Rhodes Mini-Me in his outfit. Tony and Tenay just look gay. It's time to give away an American Ironhorse! Heenan thinks he's won it. Tony: "Have you ever been on a motorcycle in your life?" Heenan: "Yes, but the wheels on the back, the two that you put on the side, fell off. It was a horrible accident. I was going down the sidewalk one day through the park..... and there was a squirrel....." Heenan still rules, I don't care what anyone says.

WCW.COM's CHAD DAMIANI is backstage with the prized bike and a hopper filled with names. Some random chick spins it and draws out the winner. It's... it's... no, first we have to introduce the President of American Ironhorse, who's name I didn't catch. The winner of the bike is DARNELL POTTER from Cleveland, Ohio! Way to go, Darnell! Heenan cracks up at the name "Darnell".

Video packages show us the mass destruction that Sid has caused in WCW.

THE MASTER AND RULER OF THE MILLENNIUM (with no countdown) vs. BACK, BACK IN BLACK STING - Sid's music intro sounds like "Born to be Wild", but then changes into something else entirely. The announcers talk about Sid's incredible record since debuting in WCW just over a month ago. Maybe I'm wrong but doesn't David Flair have a longer streak than Sid? The announcers run down Ric Flair as Sting enters. In a few months, we'll have a new WCW president! Gee, it's not too important a position, I guess. Sid stalls for a while before finally coming inside the ring. Sting howls to get the crowd going. Lockup and Sting's forced back into a corner. Sid pounds on him. Whip to the other side, Sid crashes into a corner. Sting delivers a kick with such force that it lifts Sid up across the ropes... I mean, surely Sid didn't jump up there. Sting backs away and runs in... Stinger Splash! There's another one! Sid staggers out and gets clotheslined over the top rope. Sting follows him and tosses Sid over the railing! The bikers aren't sure what to do. Sting drags Sid down to another side of the ring and throws him into the crowd again. The bikers "help" Sid back as Sting flies into view with another splash. Sting rolls Sid inside. Another Stinger Splash? Nope, Sid's out of the way. Sid shoots Sting to the ropes and hits a powerslam for a 2 count. Sid pulls at Sting's face, just to be mean. Sid drops a leg across Sting as Sting hangs over the middle rope. Sid scoops Sting up and hits a backbreaker. A cover only gets 2. Sid hooks on what seems like the 10th reverse chinlock of the show. He whips Sting into a corner, then clotheslines him when he bounces out. Sid climbs the second rope to gloat. He throws Sting outside and drops him chest first on the railing. Sid brings Sting back in and covers with his feet on the ropes, which gets him caught by the referee. Sting fights back and runs into Sid, hitting another "I fall and headbutt you in the balls" spot afterwards. Sid climbs to the top rope! But Sting catches him and slams him off. Sting takes a few steps and trips over Sid, and both Sting and the announcers sell it as if Sid meant to trip him. Sid pulls Sting up and Sting hits a slam, then splashes Sid's raised knees. Sid covers and gets a 2 count. Sid hits a snake eyes on Sting. Sting fights back, hits the ropes, and eats a big boot to the face. Sid goes up to top again! Sting catches him and hits a superplex! On Sid? Sid hops up instantly and backs into a corner. Sting with a Stinger Splash! Then another! Then a third... no, Sid grabs him by the throat! Chokeslam! 1, 2, 3! Are we not good enough for a powerbomb? Sid rolls outside and blows snot from his nose as we see some replays. Tony wonders who can possibly stop Sid.

Your winner: Sid Vicious (match time: 10:39)

Video clips see the brewing hatred between Goldberg and Rick Steiner.

Television Champion DOGFACE RICK STEINER vs. WILLIAM GOLDBERG in a non-title match - Steiner makes his entrance and doesn't speak, thankfully. Goldberg comes out to what's likely the smallest pop he's ever received... or maybe I can't hear the cheers over the engines revving. But I don't think the fans are making much noise and there aren't many engines revving. Tenay mentions Goldberg's appearance on Larry King Live, and how Goldberg said that it's because of wrestling that he has the chance to do things like movies and he knows that. What Tenay didn't mention is how Goldberg actually said it, as if he wishes he COULD go do other things and leave wrestling behind. Just my opinion. No, I'm not doing play-by-play on this match, thanks for noticing. Like Steiner has a chance? Goldberg dominates things early on. He gets thrown into a corner and hits a superkick on the way out. Steiner bails out and regroups, then comes back in and regains the advantage with a low blow. Rick dives on Goldberg and removes the brace from his knee, using it as a weapon. Steiner puts the brace on his arm and throws some forearms, clotheslines, and the like. A good close up of Steiner saying "Fuck you!" and flipping off the fans. He then grabs his balls and shakes them. I really needed to see that, thanks Rick. Steiner briefly goes after Goldberg's now exposed knee. How is using a brace like a weapon considered legal? Steiner gets a few 2 counts. Goldberg comes back and takes it home, first catching Steiner in the gorilla press-shoulder slam move. Spear. Jackhammer. 1, 2, 3. Replays make me think Rick might have had a chance. Okay, you caught me, they didn't.

Your winner: Goldberg (match time: 5:38)

Video clips of Dennis Rodman embarrassing WCW are shown. And when you consider how much WCW embarrasses themselves, Rodman's accomplishments mean something! Arli$$ claims that Rodman vs. Savage will break every PPV record. Bet he wishes he could take THAT back! They end with Savage saying the baddest man on the planet, and hummer driver (!), will protect Gorgeous George. I still bet we don't find out who it is.

THE WORM, THE PARASITE, THE PLAGUE OF WRESTLING vs. MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE - A "Born to be Wild" knock-off plays for a few minutes before Rodman appears. Maybe they started this instead of Sid's music earlier on. Rodman's wearing a Rocky Balboa-ish robe. "What up, Mach?" "Oooh yeah!" Savage comes out... alone. No George. No Hummer driver. Dennis has the microphone. "Macho Man! You brought my ass all the way here to Sturgis, you wanna kick my ass, right? All I want to know is where's my bitch? Where's she at?" Macho responds. "Tonight, you're MY bitch! And everybody out here, I invite you to fight for sloppy seconds!" Something tells me it wouldn't be the first time a group of bikers fought over who got first crack at Rodman. Dennis says something about doing his shit outside, then scrambles inside and nails Savage from behind with the microphone, knocking him outside. Rodman throws Macho into the post. Then into the guardrail. Then into the thing that holds the lights above the ring, according to Tony anyway. They go back inside and I notice Rodman has several piercings in his face. Is that really a good idea while you're wrestling? Rodman with a back elbow to knock Savage flat. C'mon, Randy, shoot on him! Tenay orgasms over a Rodman clothesline. Dennis does a side Russian leg sweep that appeared to give Savage whiplash, getting a 2 count. Heenan mentions the photographers at ringside. Maybe Rodman will kick one of 'em in the balls! Speak of the devil, he throws the referee down. Then he punches him and elbow drops him. Anyone catch Shaq on Letterman making fun of Rodman wrestling? Not making fun of wrestling, just the fact that Dennis is allowed to do it. Oh yeah, there IS a match going on. A new ref has joined the action as Savage manages to get in a few offensive moves. Tony mentions the "brotherhood" of officials and that the ref is likely to allow Savage plenty of latitude due to Rodman's actions. Hasn't Macho laid out a ref at nearly EVERY show in the last two years? Savage hits a Stun Gun that snaps Rodman's neck back. There's ROSS FOREMAN on the outside! Macho nails him and uses his camera to floor Rodman. A cover only gets 2. Macho nails the referee (see?) and throws him outside. A third ref comes in and Savage jumps him right away. Savage does his classic "I run in and you backdrop me to the floor" spot, which gets a pop from me. I love that move. Savage gets up and pulls Dennis out to the floor. Savage tosses Rodman into the fans and they forcefully throw him back as the two fight up the entrance road. They reach the top of the ramp and Rodman throws Savage down another ramp that dumps out in the backstage area. Savage throws Rodman into a pile of garbage. I could make a joke, but it's too obvious. Savage pulls a guy out of the port-a-potty and puts Rodman inside. Savage tips it over and something's leaking out of it... oh, shit! Literally! What is it with Macho Man angles and the involvement of human feces? All he needs now is Sable as his valet. Rodman throws Savage into something with JumboTron written on it, then he heads back to the ring. Savage follows him and knocks Rodman down the ramp. Savage again gets rammed into the thing holding up the lights. They bring it back inside and Rodman goes to the top rope... no, just the second. He misses a clothesline and hits the referee. Here's MACHO'S BITCH on her way down! Rodman puts on a sleeper on that's countered with a jaw breaker. George goes into her pants... somewhere I'D like to be... and hands Savage a chain. Because the 20 year veteran needs a WEAPON to beat the scrawny basketball player! Rodman rises up and George low blows him. A "show your tits" chant is the most crowd involvement in the last hour. Macho nails Rodman with the chain and covers. 1, 2, 3! What a career boost for Savage this must be. Replays show us the stinking watery shit that this match showed in more ways than one.

Your winner: Macho Man Randy Savage (match time: 11:26)

And need I mention there was no Hummer driver? I didn't think so.

Video clips show us what led up to the main event. Hogan gets powerbombed through a "table" on Nitro. I don't recall anybody mentioning this, so maybe I heard wrong. But on the Nitro where that happened, I could have sworn that earlier in the night while the Dead Pool was doing their rather long intro, Bischoff shouted at them to stay the hell away from the broadcast table. Not that I can blame him, a strong gust of wind would have knocked it over from the looks of it.

MY HERO, YOUR HERO, EVERYONE'S HERO HULK HOGAN (with training, prayers, and vitamins) vs. THE ACTOR WHO FORMERLY PLAYED THE ROLE OF DIESEL in a Career vs. Career match for the WCW Heavyweight Championship - MICHAEL BUFFER is out for the intros, making his one monthly appearance. Remember when having Buffer there meant something was important? Yeah, me neither. Nash still uses the Wolfpac theme, despite there no longer being a Wolfpac. I just know Nash is losing in full 1980's Hogan finish mode, with the "Hulking up" and the legdrop. He has to if the red and yellow push is going to go anywhere. A girl somewhat resembling that former Nitro Girl that married that WWF guy is shown in the crowd. She doesn't flash. Hogan enters to both a mild pop and his "American Made" theme, which has always sucked. Just because he's the Hulkster doesn't mean he can't use Hendrix, does it? Buffer announces him as "Hollywood", just further proving that Buffer is a moron. Tony hasn't stopped kissing Hogan's ass since he walked out. Hulk has all his old mannerisms back, which is both somewhat cool and sort of sad. I was a big Hogan fan as a kid, don't get me wrong, but you know what else I liked as a kid? Riding my bike. Eating peanut butter and jelly at every meal. Having my mom bring me water at night when I was thirsty. I grew out of all of that... well, my mom still gets me water... but I grew out of Hogan, too. And so has every other wrestling fan over 10, because if you're not over 10, you don't remember the old Hogan anyway. And so ends my pre-match commentary for this match! There's the bell and we're underway! For my amusement, I'm going to count how many non-repeated wrestling moves we see. They lock up (move #1) and Nash shoves Hogan back into a corner. Another lock up and they do it again. A third lock up and Hogan shoves Nash into the corner and flexes, then kisses his hand and slaps his butt. This is such classic Hogan that it's nauseating. Nash with a side headlock (#2). Hogan tries to escape, complete with agonized groans, but Nash is just too strong! Hogan goes down to one knee. The first big move of the match and it's a REST HOLD. What does that tell you? Hogan tries to shove Nash off to the ropes, but Nash keeps his grip. Hogan hits a back suplex (there's #3) and Nash goes to the outside to regroup. He comes back in and wants a test of strength, another Hogan classic bit. They lock hands (#4, I guess) and Nash forces Hulk to his knees before turning his hands in, which is what REALLY hurts. A "Hogan" chant rises from the fans (or is it the speakers?) and Hulk starts to rise to his feet. Tony's voice cracks as he proclaims Hogan is the greatest athlete ever. Blow me, Tony. Nash stops Hogan's rise with a knee to the gut. A few big punches knock Hulk into a corner, where Nash keeps laying into him. Nash does his corner routine of kneelifts, a straight legged boot to the face, and elbows to the side of the head (I'll count the boot to the face as #5). Nash steps back and looks at Hogan through a director's square, then crotch chops and misses an elbow. Hulk rebounds with some right hands. Tony: "Hulk Hogan is AMAZING!" A wound-up right hand knocks Nash to his knees. Hulk climbs the buckles and unloads the 10 punches of doom. An eye-poke and a right hand send Nash down. Nash comes back with some forearms to the lower back. This match is so slow... it's a recapper's dream. More corner work from Nash. He scoops Hogan up for a side slam (#6) that gets him a 2 count. Nash tosses Hogan outside and follows him, running Hulk into the lighting beam. He rolls Hogan back inside and drapes him over the middle rope for a few running legdrops (#7). Hogan's selling like he's near death. Nash raises his arms and the announcers predict a powerbomb, but Nash puts Hogan back in a corner and does more corner work, complete with another director's square and crotch chop. Nash shoots Hulk into the ropes... big boot (#8)! The announcers claim Nash took a page out of Hogan's book with the boot. Yeah, Nash has NEVER done that before. Remember when Mike Tenay had credibility? Hogan lies motionless. Nash pulls him up. Tony is near hysterics. Jackknife! (That's #9) Nash covers. 1, 2... Hogan's out... and he's Hulking up! Aw, shit. Nash's punches are shrugged off. Hulk gives him the dreaded finger point to the face. This routine just isn't the same without Gorilla Monsoon on commentary. Tony has had multiple orgasms since the kickout. Hogan blocks a punch and unloads. Nash into the ropes... big boot! Atomic legdrop! (#10) 1, 2, 3! You've got to be kidding. Hogan celebrates with the belt. It takes the announcers a few minutes to stop sucking Hulk's ass and mention that Nash's career is now "over". More jubilant reaction from Tony closes us out. Watch Nitro!

Your winner and still WCW Champion: Hulk Hogan (match time: 12:18) (total wrestling moves executed: 10)

And HEY! If you ordered Road Wild, send away for a free WCW Road Wild Fanny Pack! What a perfect gift for this show, seeing as how fanny packs went out with Hogan's good guy routine.


Well... not too much to get excited about here. Although a wrestling card with mostly clean pins and few run-ins can't be all THAT bad. But there was there was certainly nothing worth shelling $30 out for. The fact that they're pushing Hogan's "Hulkster" bit like this is really quite scary, and if anything, the event makes me weep for what the future may bring. The fact that, supposedly, they're doing this so Hogan can making a "surprising" heel turn when he feuds with Bret Hart is even more scary.

But on it's merits alone, the event is a thumbs-in-the-middle effort. As I said, there was nothing really good, but there wasn't anything horribly bad. Which, when you consider this is WCW, is saying something.

That does it for this look at Road Wild! And hey, if you've read all this way, drop me a line! I enjoy hearing what you have to say. And I actually respond! Honest, I do! See you at Fall Brawl!

Her lips are devil red and her skin's the color of mocha... she will wear you out... livin' la vida loca... livin' la vida loca...

Chris Jones
[slash] wrestling

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