My name is Chris Jones and this is YOUR Slamboree recap! Since last month we've seen celebrities wrestle (and win titles)... we've seen non-wrestlers Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff kick ass and get valets... and we've seen relatives of Hulk Hogan put into prominent positions. Yes indeed... Russo and Bischoff have done it! WCW has changed, baby! All we need now is Ed Leslie popping up and the cycle of suck will be complete.

In quick Jones "news", I figure it's almost time for yours truly to bust out another non-recap article. But to you pervs out there, don't get your hopes up... the only rare nude pictures I've seen lately are of Asya, and I doubt "Asya's Nipple" would go over as well as some past things have. But I'll answer some questions and talk about some things I've been meaning to talk about. So be on the lookout if you happen to give a damn.

A quick shout-out to my man Josh Davins for sending me stills and video of the Kat/Terri arm wrestling thing at the WWF UK show this past weekend. I have to say that I'm really disappointed with my friends across the pond. When Jackie got her top ripped off a few years ago, you couldn't visit a site that didn't have pictures of it. And until I got Josh's stuff I'd seen ONE whole vidcap floating around of the scene. Plus, I hear there was an upskirt shot of Stephanie during the show. Haven't seen any pictures of THAT, either. What gives? Are TV capture cards dying out in England?

Anyway... buckle up! It's WCW PPV time! Take whatever pills you need to take and let's go!

WCW Logo. If you value your health, don't stare directly at it.

Clips from Thunder show us Ric Flair winning a battle royal, earning him a title shot next month. Hey, there's Randy Savage! What up, Mach?

So what are the odds on the Flair title match actually happening? And if it does, why are they promoting a world title match this early anyway? I was doing some reading the past week and stumbled across WCW employee Bob Ryder's opinion on the WCW championship: "While I can understand the temptation to look at the 'belt' as some holy grail of wrestling....the fact of the matter is that it's a piece of metal." Reeeeally?

And while I'm not recapping, a big belated "shut the fuck up" to Vince Russo for his comments to Jim Ross the night after Spring Stampede. "Kiss my ass, JR! You said Jeff could never be world champion, now he is! Psst, Jeff, by the way... you're only keeping that for a week, then Bischoff's buddy gets to give it to a two-bit actor." Boy, Vince, you sure showed JR. Hardly a week after you make a big deal out of Jarrett winning the belt, you and your cronies are telling the world that the title is meaningless and we're all marks for taking it seriously.

Here's a giant tour bus pulling up! WOW! I've never seen THAT before! Various members of the Millionaire's Club exit despite the fact that most of them were already in the arena cutting interviews during the live pre-show. Representatives of the New Blood watch the scene with amusement from their dressing room. Maybe they're making "Lex Express" jokes.

An opening video package hypes many of tonight's matches. The world "hell" is muted.

We fade into the arena where we're LIVE from the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, Missouri! Pyro! Cheering! Opening hyperbole! Hey, there's an entrance walkway leading straight to the ring... just like the good old days! Bring back Gary Michael Kapetta!

SKIP CANDIDO (with Barry White) vs. THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS A GUY WITH A PUSH (with Paisley) for a piece of metal with "Cruiserweight" written on it - Tammy enters all covered up in her robe. Candido has the belt around his neck ala Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Oh goody, Tammy has the stick! "Hellllloooo, baaaaaaby." Just kidding. "So this is Kansas City, Missouri? And from what I heard, they call this the 'show me' state." Obligatory pop. "Well, fellas, how 'bout I show you mine... and then, boys, you can owe me one. Now hit my music." They hit Rick Rude's music instead. Tammy removes the robe to reveal... a dress that doesn't show off anything except the fact that Tammy doesn't look as good as she used to. The Artist and Paisley make their way down with annoying purple light. Chris smooches Tammy one and she exits. Does Tammy have an ace bandage wrapped around her ribs? They lock up! A quick start sees Candido get a roll-up for 2. The Artist reverses another Candido pin attempt into a German Suplex for 2. 10 punches of doom on Candido! A whip to the other corner ends with Chris being BACKDROPPED TO THE FLOOR! Yikes! Tony calls it an "incredible bump" as the Artist gets whipped into the steel. How long before one of them, probably Madden, starts ripping off Edge & Christian by doing "smart" commentary? Candido climbs up top! He leaps to the floor... the Artist nails him! The camera missed most of it, but I think Prince hit a clothesline. Candido keeps control and rams the Artist into the entrance walkway. Candido has a chair! They're both on the walkway. The Artist reverses a Candido piledriver attempt into a backdrop. Candido rolls inside the ring and gets covered. 1, 2, kickout. A brief running sequence sees the Artist hit a Frankensteiner! Candido takes the Artist down with a pin attempt, getting a 2 count. Candido chops the Artist in a corner. The Artist reverses and hammers away! Candido reverses a whip and hurls the Artist out to the floor. Prince climbs onto the apron and suplexes Candido to the floor! They both re-enter and Artist covers for 2. Candido hits a low blow in clear view of the referee. A Candido backdrop attempt results in the Artist landing the worst looking powerbomb ever. Artist goes to the second rope! Jumping DDT is blocked! Candido puts the Artist on the top rope... TOP ROPE FRANKENST... no, the Artist held on! Candido crashes down. Prince stands on the top rope! He tries a sunset flip... it falls apart, but Candido rolls through anyway. 1, 2, kickout! Big backdrop on Candido. The crowd is either chanting "you suck" or "pizza", I can't tell. Candido regains control with a cheap shot. He slams the Artist down and goes up top! The Artist meets him and hits a top rope Samoan Drop! Tammy is on the apron, distracting the referee. If that's not an ace bandage around her ribs, I'm not sure I want to know what it is. Paisley comes around and the girls argue on the ramp. Paisley pulls Tammy down! Tammy grabs a chair! She cracks the Artist by mistake (I guess)! The ref was tied up with Candido and didn't see it. Chris covers! 1, 2, 3!! No, wait, they're saying 2. Candido's music plays and Tammy enters to celebrate, but the ref says 2 and Chris waves her away. Candido pulls the Artist into a piledriver and goes up top. Flying Headbutt!! 1, 2, 3!! Tammy enters and helps Chris up. For the 100th time Madden refers to Tammy as "the most complete female performer in the history of wrestling". Hey, Mark, start using that once she DOES SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. Paisley enters the ring and knocks Tammy down. Nutshot on Candido! Tammy tries to escape and the Artist grabs her! Paisley pulls Tammy's dress off... that ace bandage thing was her underwear? And she's got the panties to match?! Good LORD, has she been trading undies with my grandmother? And who the hell wears a top like that under a dress with no back? We didn't see ANY of Tammy once she was uncovered, but maybe we should be thankful. The Artist and Paisley celebrate for reasons that escape me.

Your winner and still owner of a piece of WCW metal: Chris Candido (match time: 8:00)

We meet our hosts for tonight's shindig, TONY "CRAZY" SCHIAVONE, SCOTT "SEXY" HUDSON, & MARK "COOL... WELL, NOT REALLY" MADDEN, who mention the 3-leveled cage that's hanging overhead. The second cage is a HARDCORE cage! The third level is a GUITAR cage! Madden says Arquette having the world title is a disgrace. But it's just a piece of metal, Mark, you stupid bastard.

Video clips show us Terry Funk acting middle aged and crazy.

TERRY FUNK vs. HARDCORE WARRIOR NORMAN SMILEY & A PARTNER OF COMPLETE MYSTERY for a piece of metal with "Hardcore" written on it - Terry is walking backstage, passing a group of backstage people. "Hey... where's Norman?" They all point somewhere. "Deja Vu, just a different crapper." And with that one line, Terry Funk sums up an entire show! Funk reaches the men's room. "Norman! Get your possum playin' ass out here!" Funk storms in and there's SOMEBODY in the stall... and Norman attacks from behind with a fire extinguisher! He drags Funk out and hammers him about the area! Funk's head breaks a vending machine. Norman has a Kansas City Royals jersey on. Talk about bad karma! The mystery partner was the guy in the stall... and he's also in Royals jersey, but has a catcher's mask on to cover his face. Even though it hit the net several days ago, I'll play along as if I don't know who the partner is... and I'll mention that I called the partner's identity when he got in the ring on Nitro. Funk rolls down a ramp and Norman covers him for 2. Trash can to the head! Norman starts a dance and then nails Funk with a chair. Terry eats a trash can and falls over a table! Norman is kicking some ass! They brawl over to the interview area, where GENE MEAN scatters like a cockroach when the lights come on. Terry runs Norman into some set beams and the mystery partner starts launching empty cardboard boxes onto Funk from atop a large pile of astroturf. Funk hurls up a chair and NAILS the partner! A SECOND one hits! Terry climbs up the turf rolls and gets hit with a trash can a few times. Norman throws up a box and manages to hit BOTH guys in the head. Terry knocks Norman down onto a table. Trash can to Norman's head! And again! Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Funk runs Norman into a rolling cart backstage. Norman grabs a roadblock, but it's ineffective. The mystery partner stands around and does nothing. Norman makes a cover on top of a rolling crate for 2. Funk slams Norman onto a trash can. 1, 2, kickout! The partner hits Funk with the softest trash can shots ever. Terry takes the can and nails the partner with it. Norman fights back and they brawl towards the "go" position. More guys scatter. Funk nails the mystery partner and drags him through the entrance. They climb up onto the ramp and Terry pulls the KC Royals jersey up a bit too high on the flabby body of the partner. Funk nails him with a chair! And again! Terry drags the partner up the aisle. Another chairshot! The mask is off! What do you know, it's RALPHUS! The Royals jersey gets removed... AHHHH!!! RALPHUS ASS CRACK!!! RALPHUS ASS CRACK!!! I'M BLIND!!! Terry holds the shirtless Ralphus upside down against the top rope, and I can only imagine an entire section of the fans are getting a shot of Ralphus' exposed ass! Norman comes out of nowhere with a ladder! Funk goes down! NO!!! MORE ASS CRACK!!! And Ralphus has the most fucked up bellybutton I have EVER seen. Ralphus pulls his pants up as Norman cracks Terry in the head with a chair. 1, 2, kickout! Norman climbs to the second rope and drops a ladder on Funk's head! Chairshot to the head! Norman gets behind Funk... IT'S THE WIGGLE!!! Terry grabs a chair and tries to swing it back... Norman blocks and nails Terry with it! Now Ralphus wants to wiggle! He moves up on Terry and starts humping, but Funk lands the overhead chair shot. ASS CRACK!!! Ralphus takes a chairshot to the head. Norman tries helping Ralphus up... Funk rolls Norman up! 1, 2, 3!! Terry heads off victorious as we're "treated" to double wiggle. You know, I wonder if seeing Ralphus without Chris Jericho does to WCW fans what seeing Debra come out to Jeff Jarrett's music at Backlash did to me. *Sniff* And if Raphus was Norman's "perfect" partner, are we to believe that Norman Smiley is retarded?

Your winner and still owner of a piece of WCW metal: Terry Funk (match time: 10:09)

Here's a limo arriving backstage! Mean Gene catches up to it as the world champ emerges. Funny, HE was in the arena during the pre-show, too. David says he came alone because DDP doesn't think he's a sports entertainer. Oh LORD, don't tell me they'll turn David Arquette heel.

YEP, RUSSO & BISCHOFF HAVE LOTS OF NEW IDEAS vs. LAME DUCK CURT HENNIG - The "Perfect 1" enters without incident. Man, I have NEVER liked Shawn Stasiak. C'mon, the guy couldn't get over when his gimmick was SCREWING TERRI RUNNELS. Hennig comes out to a pretty good pop. He enters the ring and we're underway! Stasiak arm drags Hennig out of a lock-up, then hits a second one when Hennig moves in again. Shawn hammers Curt into a corner. Hennig reverses a whip and hits his own arm drag! There's a scoop slam! Stasiak retreats to the outside. After a few moments of stalling, he re-enters and they lock up again. Shawn clamps on a headlock and Hennig can't escape. He finally shoots Stasiak off into the ropes and Shawn hits a cross body block! 1, 2, kickout! Shawn rolls onto the entrance ramp and leaps in with a sunset flip for 2. Hennig regains control and hits a big kneelift. Hold the phone! Here's Misfits in Action members CHAVO, LASH, & VAN HAMMER at ringside. They're all wearing brightly colored camouflage for some reason. We go back to the action to see Hennig knocked to the floor. Stasiak hits a double axhandle off the apron and then rams Curt into the railing. Hennig ends up on the announcer's table and Stasiak chokes him with a cable. They go back inside and Stasiak goes up top! Flying clothesline! He covers! 1, 2, kickout! Stasiak dumps Hennig over the top rope to the entrance ramp. Hennig tries a bodyslam but his back gives out. Shawn hurls Hennig over the top back into the ring. Sleeper on Hennig! Curt goes down to the mat. The arm drops once! It drops twice! It drops... no sir, not three! Hennig fights up to his feet and breaks free of the hold... but Stasiak slams Hennig down by his hair. Shawn goes back up top. He leaps... Hennig sidesteps his move! Stasiak crashes! Hennig regains control with some big time chops. Backdrop on Stasiak. There's the MIA members again. Hennig pounds on Stasiak in a corner and referee Charles Robinson tries to back Curt up, only to get smacked upside the head for his trouble. Ha! Hennig moves back in and Stasiak sweeps his legs out. Slingshot to the post! Stasiak hits the Perfect Plex! 1, 2, 3! Holy crap, the old "Hennig hits the post" finish. Stasiak walks off as Hennig sells the post shot. The finish is our "Western Unit Speed Move of the Night". Hopefully Curt will jump ship and teach Stasiak how to do the gimmick properly.

Your winner: Sean Stasiak (match time: 7:56)

Russo pumps up the New Blood locker room. He touches Scott Steiner's arm and Steiner heads off, reminding Russo not to touch him.

PILL POPPER PUMP (with Midajah & Kim) vs. HUMOROUS for a piece of metal with "United States" written on it - Hugh enters dressed in camouflage like the other MIA members. He gets the stick! "Cut that music. From here on in... I never want to be called 'Hugh Morrus' again. Not from you (Penzer)... and not from you (fans). That name was given to me by Eric Bischoff and it was a brain fart! It was to make me look stupid! From now on you address me by my real name. Hugh... G.... Rection. Captain Rection, for short." Holy lord. Will they rename the other MIA members, too? Imagine "Phil Atio" and "Dick Goesinya" being in Hugh's corner. King Mabel's music fires up to lead Scott Steiner and the freaks to ringside. Nice oiled-up cleavage from Kim and Midajah tonight. Are they calling Kim "Shakira"? Doesn't that mean "African Princess"? Steiner enters and poses before going out and getting in the faces of a few fans. If I were a fan in the front row, I'd try to goad Steiner into hitting me. Yeah, it'd hurt... but imagine the lawsuit, baby! Steiner re-enters and we're underway! Hugh gets pushed back into a corner and Steiner works him over. Hugh ducks a clothesline and hits a few big chops. Steiner tries a hip toss and Hugh clotheslines him down! Scott bails out to the floor and huddles with the girls. They climb onto the apron and distract Hugh as Steiner slides in from behind and attacks. Scott tries a bodyslam... but THE HUGH G RECTION SLIPS OUT! Reverse atomic drop! Spinning heel kick by Captain Rection! 1, 2, kickout! Side suplex by Hugh. He goes up top! Flying Elbowdrop!! Hugh goes for his moonsault and the girls crotch him on the top rope. He falls backwards into the Tree of Woe! Steiner goes outside and pulls on Hugh's neck before jawing with the MIA members. Back inside, Scott hits a Steinerline. An elbowdrop gets a 2 count and Scott yells at the referee for not getting 3. Hugh gets T-Boned! Steiner does push-ups as we get a good look at Midajah and Kim's push-ups. Scott drapes Hugh over the second rope and the girls get a few slaps in behind the ref's back. Steiner pulls Hugh to his feet... spinning belly-to-belly!! 1, 2, kickout! Steiner chases the referee outside and gives us a "you suck!". Hugh gets locked in a bear hug. Arm drops once! Twice! But not three! No, sir! THIS HUGH G RECTION WON'T STAY DOWN! Hugh tries fighting out but gets an overhead belly-to-belly for his trouble. Rather than follow up, Steiner leaves the ring to jaw with more fans. Scott re-enters, poses, and flips off the crowd. A corner clothesline attempt sees Steiner eat a boot! HUGH G RECTION IS UP! He nails an avalanche! There's a second avalanche! A third attempt is stopped with a Steinerline. Scott barely gets Hugh up with a double underhook slam. A tombstone attempt by Steiner is reversed... OWEN DRIVER BY HUGH!!! He goes up for his moonsault... Kim enters the ring, but isn't really in the way. Hugh leaps... Steiner rolls aside, but gets Hugh's leg across his back anyway. Steiner stands over Hugh and locks on the Steiner Recliner! Hugh gives it up! Scott throws the referee outside and re-applies the Recliner. The MIA members try fighting in but R&B SECURITY stops them. Here's BOOKER TEE out of nowhere! Harlem Sidekick on Steiner! The girls check on Steiner as Booker checks on Hugh G Rection. And with those good cleavage shots as Midajah and Kim lean over, I may have to go check on a Hugh G Rection myself. Replays show us the finish.

Your winner and still owner of a piece of WCW metal: Scott Steiner (match time: 9:24)

Mean Gene is backstage with Chris Kanyon. He stuck by DDP because DDP's like a brother to him. You don't get ahead by kissing ass, you gotta bust your own!

TAZZ'S BITCH vs. FINE SHAM-PON-YA (with ca-we-ar) - As Awesome enters we see clips of him powerbombing a few people through tables. Kanyon heads inside and we're underway! Mike tries a clothesline and Kanyon ducks. Neither men move after a shoulderblock. Kanyon takes Awesome down with a clothesline! Kanyon tries a corner charge and gets met with an AWESOME BACK ELBOW! Kanyon goes outside and Awesome does an AWESOME LEAP OVER THE TOP!! An "ECW" chant fires up. Awesome whips Kanyon into the railing, then into the ring stairs. Mike tries to ram Kanyon into the post... but Kanyon slips out and Awesome eats the steel! Kanyon re-enters the ring as Awesome is laying against the ringpost. Kanyon dropkicks Awesome into the post! Mike goes outside and Kanyon hits a front somersault plancha! Chris tries to pull Mike inside and Awesome snaps Kanyon's neck across the top rope. Awesome double axhandle! An awesome slam! Mike goes up top! AWESOME FLYING CLOTHESLINE! Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Awesome throws Kanyon back outside. Mike's got a chair! Awesome chair to the gut! Awesome chairshot to the back! More "ECW" chants as Kanyon eats the announcer's table. Mike grabs a chair and runs in with an AWESOME CHAIR SMASH! They brawl into the first row as Awesome hits an awesome bodyslam. Kanyon gets choked with the cables at ringside. Awesome rolls Kanyon back in and hits an AWESOME SLINGSHOT SPLASH!! 1, 2, kickout! As Awesome hits an awesome clothesline, the announcers discuss who has the best powerbomb ever. Scott Hudson says Mike Awesome is, at best, "sloppy seconds" to Kevin Nash. Kanyon manages a sunset flip for 2. Awesome dumps him back outside and grabs a chair. Awesome chairshot! Kanyon gets choked with the chair. Mike goes up top with the chair... but Kanyon crotches him on the top rope! Kanyon slides back in the ring and hits a hangman's neckbreaker! 1, 2, kickout! Kanyon reverses a hiptoss attempt into a swinging neckbreaker! 1, 2, kickout! Kanyon goes up top... flying cross body! Awesome rolls through! 1, 2, kickout! Kanyon hits the "DVD to a flapjack" move that Hudson claims is more offense innovation, although I just saw Perry Saturn do it on Sunday Night Heat. A cover gets 2. Kanyon sets for a powerbomb... but Awesome counters and snaps Kanyon down! Awesome running clothesline! AWESOME AWESOME BOMB!!! And Kanyon lands RIGHT ON HIS HEAD! SHIT! Mike goes outside and pulls up the mats at ringside, exposing 10 feet of concrete. Kanyon attacks as Awesome climbs back onto the apron. Chris runs the ropes but is met with an AWESOME SLINGSHOT SHOULDERBLOCK! Mike sets for another Awesome Bomb... but Kanyon slips out the back. Awesome release German suplex! Kanyon rolls out to the entrance walkway. Mike pulls up more mats and sets for a powerbomb off the ramp. Wait! "Thus Spoke Wolfpacstra" fires up! And here's KEVIN NASH on his way down! Awesome releases Kanyon and Nash unloads! Here comes members of the NEW BROOD! Kidman! Douglas! Vampiro! Candido! They attack Nash! RIC FLAIR runs down... STING is behind him! R&B SECURITY heads out and the Millionaire's Club fights them off. Kanyon celebrates with the old boys. So who won? Awesome by DQ? Sounds good.

Your winner by DQ: Mike Awesome (match time: 12:01)

The announcers tell us that it's not about wins or losses. So why have matches?

A video package shows us the heated Russo/Luger feud. No clips of Liz's protruding nipples from Nitro, unfortunately.

Russo and Liz are in a dressing room in front of a monitor. Liz has on a nice lace number... "nice" meaning "shows off plenty of cleavage". Russo insults Liz's outfit and tells her to go change into something "classy". Classy? Christ, Russo! If there was ever a time for hot pants and a latex tube top, this is it. Liz leaves as Russo watches the monitor and says, seemingly to himself, "wait 'till you see this".

THE TOTAL PACKAGE vs. BUFFY THE ENTERTAINMENT SLAYER - Remember last month when I asked for any Buff fans to write in? Nobody did... thus proving without question that BUFF HAS NO FANS. Lex does his posing routine despite not having Liz to disrobe him. As Buff enters we learn that he has 3.5% body fat, beating Lex's 4%. Talk about grounds for a mega-feud! Buff poses to a lukewarm reaction. The announcers wonder if Kronic have the tag team titles, prompting Scott Hudson to go on a rant about how important the titles are. Apparently Hudson doesn't talk to Bob Ryder! Buff poses at Lex and laughs. Lex poses himself and gets a pop. They lock up! Lex forces Buff into a corner, but Buff fights out and takes Lex down. Buff chokes Lex and hits an elbow to take him down again. A cover gets 2. Buff hooks on a reverse chinlock that ends quickly. Lex blocks a suplex attempt and hits one of his own. Reverse atomic drop! And another! A big right knocks Buff down. Lex unloads the 10 punches of doom... no, Buff shoves him off. But Lex hits a big clothesline anyway. Bagwell gets thrown outside. Lex hits a double axhandle off the apron! Buff eats the railing and Lex rolls him back inside. Buff attacks as Lex re-enters. DDT by Buff! 1, 2, kickout! They move into a rest hold already with a chinlock. Buff puts his feet on the ropes for added leverage. Lex fights back up! He ducks a clothesline and both guys... uh, they collided, I guess. Buff is up first and he slams Lex down. Big splash! 1, 2, kickout! They go into another resthold as Buff does a Recliner-like reverse chinlock. Lex starts to fight up and Buff leaps up... but he lands on Luger's upraised knees! We cut to the dressing room, where BATMAN is still watching. "Liz, c'mon, you gotta see this! It's the best part, Liz, where are ya?" Liz enters and tips Russo's chair over! She grabs his bat, cracks him with it, and runs off! You go, girl! But hold on, she's still wearing the same clothes. What gives? Back in the ring, Lex is hammering Buff. And here's LIZBIT on her way down with Russo's bat. Lex is destroying Buff. Big powerslam! He signals for the Rack! But Buff nails Lex from behind. Liz enters and swings with the bat... Buff grabs it and yells at her. Buff turns around and nails Lex with the bat. A swinging neckbreaker puts Luger down. Buff goes into Blockbuster position... Liz nails him with the bat! Buff goes down! Lex hooks him in the TORTURE RACK!! Buff gives it up! Liz enters and celebrates with Lex. Wait, here's... SOME GUY in to attack Luger. It's "Chuck Palumbo", according to the announcers. He's from WCW Saturday Night and Worldwide! WOW! Chuck has on the same tights and kneepads as Luger. Gee, a WCW wrestler who's gimmick is a rip-off of somebody else's? What will Shawn Stasiak, Buzzkill, Juvi, and Oklahoma have to say? Chuck puts Lex in the Torture Rack, but Buff has to help lift Lex into position. Buff picks up Liz and drags her backstage as Chuck lets go of the rack.

Your winner: The Total Package (match time: 9:31)

Mean Gene stands by with Shane Douglas, who does the same "I hate Flair" interview he's done the past several weeks.

DEAN DOUGLAS vs. RIC... WHOOO... BY GOD... FLAIR - The stips say that if Russo gets involved, Flair gets 5 minutes with him. Shane enters and gets the stick! "Cut the damn music! Kansas City, you have the option to become the people that get the chance to see the legendary Ric Flair go down to a greater wrestler. He will fall to the Franchise Shane Douglas! And you idiots can't do a damn thing to stop it!" So they have the option to get the chance to see Flair lose? Gotcha, Shane. Flair enters in street clothes as is now the norm. Now Flair has the stick! "You know the deal, brother. When the world champion walks down the aisle, the referee always lifts the rope, boy. WHOOOO! But you wouldn't know anything about that. But in this town... where guys like Handsome Harley Race... WHOOOO... and the Nature Boy Ric Flair worked hard to preserve the great sport of professional wrestilng, a dipshit like you has got nothing to say about it, buddy. Tonight, brother, just like 1981, I'm gonna style and profile, I'm gonna walk the aisle, and I'm gonna kick your ECW ass, pal." Here we go! After an opening exchange, a Douglas shoulderblock takes Flair down. Flair gets a hammerlock and Douglas breaks free with an elbow to the chops. Flair gets whipped into a corner and backdropped. Shane unloads the 10 punches of doom! A corner charge sees Shane eat an elbow. Big chop! And another! Now they trade chops. Flair gets the better of it and then goes to the eyes. Flair goes up top... and, surprise surprise, Shane catches him and slams him off. FIGURE FOUR BY DOUGLAS!!! Flair has his shoulders down for a 2 count. Flair tries going for the ropes... he's got 'em! Douglas breaks and stomps Flair in the balls. And again! Then a low headbutt! Flair fires back but Douglas takes him down and goes for another Figure Four! But Flair goes to the eyes. BIG low blow on Douglas! Shane falls to the floor and Ric follows him out. Big chops against the railing! Douglas gets whipped to the railing on the other side. Flair chops Shane onto the announcer's table and then pounds on him. Douglas eats the ringpost. They go back inside and Shane hits a quick Jackhammer like move. Douglas goes to his boot and grabs a chain! He nails Flair with it! Suplex by Douglas... he rolls through! A second suplex! A third suplex... and he holds Flair up before dropping him! Douglas covers. 1, 2, kickout! Shane hammers Flair with fists and Ric kicks Shane off. Douglas backs Flair into a corner and hammers him. Ric reverses! Big chops! A big right floors Douglas. They trade chops and punches. Douglas drops and Flair struts! Kneedrop to the nuts by Flair! Ric hits the ropes... FIELD GOAL KICK to the balls! The Chiefs could have used Flair on FG's a few years ago. Flair hits the ropes again and clips Shane's knee. Atomic drop on the knee! Here's THE FIGURE FOUR!!! And here's BUFFY BAGWELL on his way down! A GUY DRESSED AS STING is on the apron with a bat. The ref is distracted by Buff. The guy nails Flair! Douglas turns the figure four into a small package! 1, 2, 3!! The announcers say the Sting mask is Russo, which means it probably isn't. Douglas and Buff double team Flair as Sting Mask enters the ring and watches. Fives are slapped all around. Flair's got the stick! "Russo! Russo! Russo! Russo! Russo! You're goin' nowhere, jack! I'll bring the whole building on top of you! You owe me five minutes. Get your ass in here. C'mon! Russo! You owe Ric Flair... you owe wrestling a moment. I want it now!" Sting Mask stands in the aisle as THE TOTAL PACKAGE sneaks up behind him and grabs him. Lex forces Sting Mask into the ring. And here comes BATMAN down the aisle! We don't see it, but Russo must have laid out Luger. Sting Mask is on his knees. Flair turns to Russo and Sting Mask smashes something on Flair's head. Now Russo and the guy stop Flair. The mask comes off... it's DAVID FLAIR! Wow! This has NEVER happened before! Russo shouts to start the clock. Ric gets choked with the bat as Russo crotch chops over him. There's the Wolfpack theme again! KEVIN NASH lumbers back down the aisle. Russo grabs his bat and doesn't seem scared in the least. Nash lays out David with a big kneelift. Russo throws off his jacket and DOESN'T BACK DOWN FROM NASH. Nash nails Russo and prepares for a Jackknife! But DAFFNEY is in with a low blow on Nash! Russo nails Nash with the bat and then crotch chops over both Nash and Flair. The heels celebrate and make their exit. Just to sum up, after not backing down from Kevin Nash, with a little help from two world-class bad asses like David Flair and Daffney, Vince Russo has laid out Nash, Ric Flair, and Lex Luger.

Your winner: Shane Douglas (match time: 8:46)

Our announcers praise Russo's guts and genius. He got David Flair to turn on Ric! And we've NEVER seen David turn on his dad! Madden is concerned with what Russo did to Nash. Well, it's not as if Russo is SCARED of Nash, so what does it matter?

Video clips show us the feud between Sting and Vampiro. For fun, count the number of things shown that were first seen in the WWF.

VAM-PIE-RO (with lead pipe) vs. ACTOR/WRESTLER STEVE BORDEN - Based on recent events I had a funny new name for Sting, but not only is it not funny anymore, I can't remember what it was exactly. So just for Dale Blasingame, I'll keep the actor/wrestler thing. A sign reading "BIG POPPA JONES" fills the screen just as Vampiro enters. I'll pretend that was meant for me and say "thanks"! Vamp heads down and puts his pipe under the ring. Surely they won't lower Sting from the rafters here... will they? Vamp climbs a corner and poses. Sting's lighting entrance starts up. There's A CROW perched on the entrance set. Sting heads down the aisle with a bat and they brawl on the walkway! Sting suplexes Vamp! Reverse atomic drop! Vamp heads to the ring and Sting punches him over the top rope. Sting goes up top! MISSILE DROPKICK! Vamp goes outside and Sting goes up top again! FLYING LEAP TO THE FLOOR!!! Shit, Sting's got his working boots on! Vampiro eats the railing. Sting drags him to the announcer's and slams him into the table. DDT on the floor! Sting goes back inside and howls... then he goes back out and throws Vamp inside. Vamp goes low as Sting approaches him. A big chop knocks Sting flat. Vamp goes up top! Flying clothesline!! Vamp goes outside and grabs his lead pipe. He nails Sting in the chest! Then across the back! Again across the back! Vamp hits a headbutt and then a kneedrop to the groin. Sting stands and Vamp unloads a few kicks in between smashing Sting with the pipe. Sting crawls out to the walkway and Vamp follows him. Vamp hits a faceslam on the walkway! A spinning kick floors Sting. Vamp drags Sting back to the ring and clotheslines him over the top and in. Another pipe shot for Sting. Vamp lifts Sting onto the top rope and goes for a Frankensteiner... Sting goes low! SUPERBOMB BY STING!!! Sting grabs the pipe and works over Vampiro! Vamp into a corner... STINGER SPLASH!!! Sting grabs the pipe and hits ANOTHER STINGER SPLASH!!! Sting pulls him up... SCORPION DEATH DROP!!! Sting calls to the fans. He pulls Vamp up again... ANOTHER Death Drop! Cover! 1, 2, 3!! Sting poses with the lead pipe and heads up the walkway. Wait, he sees Vampiro getting up inside the ring. Sting walks back down and nails Vamp with the pipe again! Vamp drops! Sting makes his exit as the lighting treatment starts up again.

Your winner: Sting (match time: 6:50)

Mike Tenay is backstage with DDP and David Arquette. David is wearing some sort of bizarre cape. DDP tells Dave to stay out of Jarrett's way, but if anybody interferes then David is to go up top and protect the belt. Lord, they're going to turn a celebrity.

Kevin Nash is looking for Russo.

Mike Tenay is now with Kidman, Bischoff, Torrie, and Kimberly. Billy says he's beat Hogan three times already... how hard can it be if Bischoff's the special referee? Eric's going to call it right down the middle, yep, he is. If you're wondering, Eric comes in just behind Steve Austin and just ahead of Tammy Sytch on the "large gut after a return to TV" scale. But, of course, Big T has them ALL beat.

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KID-MAN (with Torrie's Cleavage) vs. STONE COLD TERRY BOLLEA - We're treated to the nWo Nitro theme as special referee THE BISCH makes his way down. Did you know that song is also used in the movie "Desperado" in that scene where the guys with rocket launchers in their guitar cases help Antonio Banderas fight off Bucho's minions? It's true, it's true! KIMBERLY follows Bischoff down because it's extremely important to the storyline that she be there, just in case you thought Bischoff was stroking his own ego by giving himself a hot valet. Kidman and Torrie enter without incident. Hulk heads down with HORACE by his side and the hip new "FUNB" vest. They enter the ring and Bischoff forces Horace to go backstage. Kidman stays outside as Bischoff lays down the law to Hogan. Hulk chases after Kidman! Kidman slides inside and lowers the boom on Hogan as he enters. Kidman ducks a few moves and they seem to mess up a spot that ends with Kidman getting a roll-up for 2. Kidman tries a crucifix into a sunset flip, but Hogan lifts him by the throat and crotches Kidman on the top rope! Hulk clotheslines him onto the walkway and Kidman falls to the floor. Hulk follows and drills Kidman with a right hand. Kidman rolls back inside and Hogan grabs a chair! He enters with the chair and sets it up in the ring. Hulk lifts Kidman up and DROPS him onto the chair! Why the hell is Bischoff letting Hogan use the chair? Surely he's watched enough WWF tapes to see how the "heel referee" act is done properly. Eric finally tosses the chair outside. How EVIL! Hogan rushes Kidman in a corner and eats a boot. Hulk tries again and Kidman hits either a head scissors or a Frankensteiner. Dropkick by Kidman! Hogan goes outside and Kidman follows. Kidman is rammed into the railing a few times, then he eats the ringpost. Kidman hides behind Torrie and then shoves her into Hogan, nailing Hogan while he's distracted. Kidman rolls Hogan back inside and works him over. Kimberly's watching on. Kidman unloads more shots on Hulk. But Hogan fights back! A running clothesline floors Kidman. Hogan pulls off the weight belt. He whips Kidman! He does it again! Bischoff FINALLY grabs the belt and distracts Hogan enough for Kidman to attack from behind. Now Kidman unloads a few whips with the belt. A quick exchange sees Kidman get hiptossed to the FLOOR! Hulk follows him and again rams Kidman into the railing a few times. They roll back inside and Hogan covers. Bischoff ignores the count. Hulk pulls Kidman up... belly to back suplex! Hogan covers again and Bischoff again ignores it. Now Hogan gets in Eric's face and yells at him. Hulk tries dropping an elbow... Kidman moves. Hulk tries again... Kidman moves. Hulk tries a THIRD elbow... Kidman moves again. Now Kidman's back in control. No, Hogan tosses him back outside again. Hulk follows and this time Kidman rams Hulk into the railing. Kidman tries sending Hogan into the announcer's table, but Hogan reverses and Kidman flies over the table. As they go back towards the ring, Kidman manages to snap Hulk's neck on the top rope to send him down. A flurry of Kidman punches spawns a Hulking up! Big right hands! Big boot! Hulk hits the ropes... Bischoff steps into his way. Big right hand for Eric! Hulk drops the big leg on Kidman! Bischoff slides in with a chair... Hulk grabs it and nails Bischoff! Kidman takes a chairshot! Hulk goes outside and pulls out a TABLE! He slides it inside the ring and then grabs a second table! Hulk tries setting up a table and it's ALREADY broken. Hogan props it up against the ropes and manages to get the second one up. Hulk grabs Eric... and he seems to be fumbling for something. Kidman slips in with a chair and cracks Hulk across the back! HOGAN BLADES! A chairshot the head floors Hulk! Kidman covers but Bischoff is still hurt. Eric manages to count slowly. 1.... 2.... kickout. Hulk is indeed bloody now. Eric tries holding Hulk for a Kidman chairshot, but Kidman eats a boot as he runs in. Hulk grabs Bischoff and powerbombs him through the table! Hogan brings ANOTHER table in and then grabs a chair... but Kidman goes low! Kidman cracks Hulk with the chair and sets up the third table. He lays Hulk on the table and goes up top! FLYING SPLASH... Hogan moves! Kidman breaks through the table! Horace is back in. Hogan covers Kidman and Horace grabs Eric's limp arm. 1, 2, 3! Yay! Another old WWF finish! Hulk and Horace celebrate the big win. What was the point of Bischoff being the referee? Other than not counting at one point, he did NOTHING! A bump on a normal ref could have achieved the exact same result.

Your winner: Hulk Hogan (match time: 13:32)

We quickly head outside where Russo is dragging Liz by the arm. They run to the Millionaire's Club bus and they try to GET ON IT. Is Russo an idiot? Lex is in the driver's seat and he grabs Liz, closing the bus door with her inside. Russo leaps into a nearby car and drives off as Kevin Nash slowly appears on the scene, sipping some liquid bread. He didn't catch Russo tonight... but there's always Nitro!

Video clips show us the David Arquette saga.

Next month is the Great American Bash! Order NOW!

Mean Gene talks with Jeff Jarrett. Jeff promises that David and DDP will be flossing with his shoelaces after the match.

DAVID ARQUETTE - WCW SUPERSTAR vs. LORD AND RULER OVER ALL THAT IS GOOD vs. KIMBERLY'S HUSBAND in a "Ready to Rumble" 3-tiered cage match for a piece of metal with "World Champion" written on it - We cut back to the arena to see that MICHAEL BUFFER is back for the intros. I still say "suck it" instead of "rumble". Ominous music plays as the giant cage structure lowers around ringside. The world title belt hangs above the top of the third cage. The cage covers ringside and there seem to be ladders positioned at all 4 corners of the ring. There's a trapdoor entrance to the second level above the ring... so I assume you have to take a ladder inside and climb it to reach the next level. After some pyro shoots from the cage, the "Cowboy" knock-off starts up as Jeff Jarrett makes his way down. Hey, all 3 guys in this match have bad versions of once decent songs as their entrance music. David Arquette comes out and strikes a few Elvis poses in his cape. And finally, DDP enters and heads inside. David and DDP stand in the ring as Jarrett climbs in. David starts running and Jarrett chases him around ringside. DDP attacks Jarrett and they roll inside, where Jarrett lowers the boom. A DDT drops Page and Jarrett goes back after Arquette. David slides inside the ring and DDP clotheslines Jarrett when he slides in. Another clothesline floors Jarrett. Spinning Rock Bottom by DDP! David goes to the top rope... flying splash misses as Jarrett rolls aside! Page runs Jeff into the cage on the floor. DDP tries sliding a ladder inside the ring, but Jarrett baseball slides it into Page's ribs. Now DDP tastes the cage. Page accidentally (?) whips Jarrett into Arquette. David is down! Jarrett and DDP go back inside the ring, where Page works Jarrett over. DDP tries to crotch Jarrett on the ringpost but Jarrett pulls Page into the post instead. Jarrett runs at Page with a punch but Page ducks and Jarrett nails Arquette! DDP sends Jarrett into the post and slides a ladder inside. He sets it up under the trap door before going back outside after Jeff. Jarrett is bloody. Page runs Jeff into the cage several more times. DDP goes back inside and tries going up the ladder, but Jarrett sneaks in and hits a belly-to-back suplex off the ladder. Now Jarrett climbs the ladder... but DDP powerbombs him off! Page puts the ladder against a corner and whips Jarrett into it! He does it again! Jarrett reverses a third try and DDP runs into the ladder. Jarrett drops the ladder onto DDP and then grabs another one from ringside. Jarrett drops THAT ladder onto Page! Jeff positions the ladder and starts climbing... but DDP pushes him off into the ropes. Now they BOTH start climbing. They trade punches. DDP grabs the top of the cage and kicks the ladder over, knocking Jarrett through the ropes to the walkway. DDP puts the ladder back in position and climbs... he makes it to the second level! This is the "hardcore" cage, don't forget. Jarrett climbs up as DDP grabs a pair of bolt cutters and opens the door that they, apparently, need to use. Jeff grabs a chair off the cage wall and nails DDP with it! Jeff goes out the door and starts climbing up the cage to level three... but DDP pulls him down. They brawl back into the second cage and Jarrett breaks a plastic tray over DDP's head. Page runs a chair into Jarrett's gut. DDP runs Jarrett into a wall of the cage... and the wall GIVES OUT! Shit! Jarrett eats a trash can to the head and then Page runs him into another wall. DDP tries setting up a table... but it doesn't stand up well on the mesh flooring. He manages to keep it steady and Page SLAMS Jarrett through the table!! Jarrett goes out through the broken wall and starts climbing to level 3. DDP nails him with a chair to stop him. DDP walks out near the edge of the cage for some reason. Jarrett tries an Irish whip OFF THE CAGE... but DDP reverses it and elbows Jarrett. Both men are down! Now David Arquette is climbing up to level 2. DDP grabs a chair as David climbs up to level 3. Here's MIKE AWESOME out of nowhere! How the hell did he get up there? Arquette climbs up to the top of cage 3, right under the belt, and stops. Awesome gets caught with a Diamond Cutter! Both Jarrett and DDP start climbing up to level 3. They're up! DDP tries knocking Jarrett off, but he won't fall. They enter the "guitar cage" and Jarrett misses a guitar shot. Now Page misses a guitar shot. DDP hands a guitar up to Arquette and Jarrett lands a low blow! But Page slams the cage door on Jeff's head! Both guys are down again! Jarrett grabs the final guitar and both men start climbing up towards David. David... of course... nails Page with his guitar. Jarrett uses HIS guitar and Page falls back down. Jarrett reaches the top, hugs David, and Jarrett grabs the world title belt!!! DDP is back down with Mike Awesome. Mike sets for an Awesome Bomb! Here's KANYON to save the day! How the hell did HE get up there? Awesome runs Kanyon into the cage... AND THEN THROWS HIM OFF ONTO THE WALKWAY!!! Kanyon lies in a dented section as Awesome climbs up to celebrate with Jarrett. We're out of time! Watch Nitro!

Your winner and new owner of a piece of WCW metal: Jeff Jarrett (match time: 15:30)

Final Thought:

Well, anytime Jeff Jarrett wins the world title, it's a cool moment. But with what's happened to the belt since then, it hardly has the same excitement that it did last month. The main event match was pretty damn cool, though. I was expecting a stinker of Uncensored 96 proportions, but Jeff and DDP delivered.

The rest of the show was somewhat hit-and-miss. The hardcore brawl was amusing. I would have liked seeing Sting's match go longer, since he showed up to work. And the Awesome/Kanyon match was good, although the screw-job finish sucked to high heaven. But I could do without things like Buff/Luger. Hugh Morrus in a title match? And "Hugh G Rection"? Yeah, THAT will get him over. And the Hogan match seemed to be Kidman doing a lot of bumping to make Hulk look good, with Hulk then taking the big decisive victory. I won't even go into David Arquette. If he was going to turn on Page, why not have him do it back on Thunder instead of winning the world title in the first place? Was making the WCW title a "piece of metal" part of whatever "master plan" Russo or Bischoff had? In the words of DDP... whatever.

I'd peg this a thumbs in the middle effort, bordering slightly on a thumbs up. The focus on wrestling was a nice change. Hopefully we'll see more of that in the future. And we'll see you back at the Great American Bash!

Adios!