Get ready... 'cause it's time, once again, for everybody to come aboard the... JOOOOOONES TRAIN!!!
Yes indeed, my name is Chris Jones and this is YOUR SuperBrawl recap! It's a show with Jeff Jarrett in a main event world title match... could WCW possibly ruin it for me? My Magic 8-Ball says "Signs Point to Yes", but I'm going in optimistic. Let's see what happens!
I will point out that putting the WCW title on Jeff Jarrett would not only make my day, it would actually make SENSE and might add some much needed interest to the current WCW landscape. But if history is any indication, not only will NONE of the above take place, but the guy who wins the belt will be on RAW in two weeks. Viva WCW!
I should also point out to you that this is the very first pay-per-view recap by yours truly to be co-featured on EmZee.com! That's right... I'm selling out and doing it BIGTIME, baby! Ahh, that's just a joke, of course. It seems EmZee needed a poor sucker who's dumb enough to watch 3 hours of WCW once a month, I needed my name on at least two wrestling websites to validate not having any friends in the real world, and a marriage was made!
How does this effect you, the fine readers of [slash], you ask? Well, I can now put another website name under mine at the bottom of this recap... and before long, you might see weekly contributors at another site asking who the hell Chris Jones is... but other than that, we should all get through this painlessly!
On the other side of the pain spectrum, however, I write this recap as a proud new Uncle! A big fat congrats to my sister Pamela and my main homey Mikey on the birth of my niece Lauren. This didn't relate to this recap in the least until I mentioned that I was off to watch WCW and the baby, barely a few weeks old, looked at me and said "you WATCH that crap?" Straight out of the mouth of babes, my friends.
But enough of all this pointless chatter! We've got a PPV to watch! By the way, all this junk you're reading now? It's not at EmZee! You're both getting original material! So hop over there if you want a fresh intro and closer. The PPV itself, unfortunately, I can't change.
WCW Logo shot. Isn't it time to get something better?
An opening video package runs down the recent history of the Flair/Funk and Hogan/Luger feuds, then goes into the Sid/Jarrett/Hall situation. Which legend will emerge victorious? Can Hogan stop the evil reign of the Total Package and Elizabeth? And will this be the last time we EVER see Scott Hall? We'll find out TONIGHT!
We fade into the arena where we are LIVE from the Cow Palace in San Francisco, California! Pyro blows up as we check out the crowd. A fun side note tonight... find the sign that says "CHRIS JONES IS NOW SUFFERING" and then tell CRZ you saw him! And thank him for so blatantly putting me over!
Tony sends us off to GENE MEAN, who's standing by Kevin Nash's office. The door opens... why, it's the nWhos! Tylene rubs Gene's head as JEFF JARRETT & DOA make their exit! Jarrett claims to have laid out Nash, making Jeff the acting commissioner for tonight by default. If you'd heard about a stipulation banning the Harris Boys from ringside for the main event, you can forget about it. Jarrett leads the crew off as the girls continue a proud tradition by flirting with Gene. Anyone want to give me odds on Woman's baby really being Okerlund's? I'll take this time to point out that I may be the one of the five people in the free world who recognize the brunette nWo girl from her role as the Commandant's sister on BattleDome.
We're taken to our tour guides for this voyage of non-stop excitement, TONY "FINALLY, I'M NOT THE FAT GUY ON THE BROADCAST TEAM" SCHIAVONE, "MAN OF 1000 NICKNAMES" MIKE TENAY, & MARK "MAN, WHERE THE FUCK IS BOBBY HEENAN?" MADDEN, who discuss what we just saw with Jeff Jarrett. A graphic appears to show us that it's a No-DQ 3-way match tonight with Jarrett, Sid, and Scott Hall. The WCW title is on the line!
Another graphic for the "featured attraction match" between Hulk Hogan and the Total Package. Tenay wonders if we'll see Hulk, Hollywood, or a "deadly combination of the two"? When did Tenay become such a putz?
It's a "Death Match" tonight between Ric Flair and Terry Funk. It's so obvious it's not funny... but is the loser the first guy who actually dies? Ha Ha. Madden says something about both guys holding back during their 1989 feud. Uh, yeah.
I guess they're running down ALL the matches. In other title matches tonight we'll see Lash LeRoux meet TAFKA Prince Iaukea in the finals of the Cruiserweight tournament, Bam Bam Bigelow defends the Hardcore title against former champ Brian Knobs, and David Flair & Crowbar meet the Mamalukes in a Sicilian Stretcher match for the WCW tag team titles.
Booker goes against Big T for "Ownership of the Harlem Heat Franchise". Kidman faces Vampiro in tonight's "plain old match", and it's The Demon against The Wall in a... are you sitting down? A "special main event" match. It boggles the mind to think of the balls it must have taken to actually put into writing that the Demon would be wrestling in main events. You can switch "balls" with "mind-numbing stupidity", if you wish. And finally, Norman Smiley meets 3 Count in a 3-on-1 handicap match.
Also... James Brown is here! Madden claims to have partied it up with James and the Cat last night, but Tenay doesn't believe that the Cat will actually deliver. If you aren't moist with anticipation for this card, you're not a wrestling fan.
We're off to a video package of Ed Ferrara winning, wearing, and vacating a championship belt. Re-read that sentence a few times. The vacant title set up the Cruiserweight tournament, which they FINALLY show us a bracket for.
LASH LEROUX vs. THE ARTIST (with Paisley) in the finals of the WCW Cruiserweight Championship tournament - Lash throws beads to the fans as he enters. Prince gets a cool, quite undeserved, entrance. Paisley gets the stick and says something about supporting the Artist as Madden asks for more cleavage. I'll second that. Lash smacks Paisley in the butt and Prince attacks him! We're underway! Lash gets held on the mat so Paisley can kick him in the ribs. Isn't that a DQ, ref? She makes her exit as Prince goes for the 10 punches of doom. Lash throws him off and Prince runs right back, only to be pushed off again. A third try sees Prince thrown onto his face. Lash covers for a few 1 counts. A Road Dogg-like punching sequence from Lash is foiled by a Prince superkick. Lash reverses a whip and takes control with a clothesline. Prince gets whipped into the corner and flips over the ropes to the floor! Lash dives out onto him! They roll back inside and Prince lands a dragon screw leg whip. He ties Lash to the TREE OF WOE! Paisley walks up the stairs as Prince runs in for a knee to the nuts. Lash manages a sunset flip attempt... and Prince grabs ref Charles Robinson by the CROTCH to prevent it. What the HELL? Chuck breaks the grip and Lash gets the pin attempt, but Prince quickly escapes. They trade pinning combos and Lash ends up being tossed over the top rope. Prince follows him out and sends Lash into the steps a few times. Paisley is still up on the apron for no logical reason. Back inside, Prince covers for a few 2 counts. Lash fights back and regains control. He lifts Prince up to the top rope! Lash climbs up... Frankensteiner! No, Prince stayed on the ropes! Lash crashes down and slowly rises... just to be caught with a second rope DDT! Prince covers! 1, 2, 3! We have a new champion... and it's a guy who's entire gimmick is ripping off a fruitcake like Prince. Would it be hypocritical of me to suggest putting the title back on Madusa? Replays show us that Paisley actually held Prince's arms during the Frankensteiner attempt. So THAT'S why she was on the apron for 5 minutes.
Your winner and new Cruiserweight Champion: TAFKA Prince Iaukea (match time: 5:49)
Somewhere backstage we find Norman Smiley having his ribs taped up. He was hurt by the Wall, you see.
Mean Gene talks with Brian Knobs, who spoils his PPV streak by slipping the word "nasty" into the interview.
We see a door marked "PRIVATE - KEEP OUT", which has been the subject of mystery all day. Nobody knows who's in there! I'll bet it's STEVE AUSTIN!
BAM BAM BIGELOW (with cart o' plunder) vs. SOLDIER OF SUCK BRIAN KNOBS for the WCW Hardcore Championship - As Bam Bam enters we hear Mike Tenay talking about spending endless hours staking out that mystery door. Hey Mike, did KNOCKING ever occur to you? A video clip shows Fit Finley costing Knobs the title a few Nitros back. Knobs enters to the lamest entrance music possible. Another video clip shows Knobs having his arm broken by Lex Luger. Madden slips in a good line to explain Luger's various arm breakings as accidents. There's the bell! Bam Bam chases Knobs around the ring before being distracted by FIT FINLEY in the aisle. Knobs smashes Bammer with a garbage can lid from behind! There's the garbage can itself! Knobs drags Bam Bam to the WCW.com location where Knobs ends up eating some railing. They fight up an aisle into the stands, strangely separated from the crowd. The commentators discuss the Hardcore title moving around a lot. Uh, isn't Bam Bam only the third guy to hold it? Knobs and Bammer end up somewhere backstage where Knobs gets slammed through a table. Fit Finley appears and nails Bam Bam with his cast. If Finely's working with Knobs, why did he cost him the title? Can anyone explain this to me? Knobs tells Finley that he wants to win on his own and then proceeds to drag Bam Bam back to the ring. Knobs drags a table out from under the ring. They both enter the ring and Knobs props the table up against a corner. A bulldog attempt by Knobs ends with Knobs being shoved through the table. Double trash can lid shot by Bam Bam! Greetings from Asbury Park! Bammer grabs a chair and goes up top... but then throws the chair at Fit Finley. Knobs crotches Bam Bam on the top rope and shoves him to the floor! Knobs rolls outside and covers! 1, 2, 3!! THE CROWD GOES APESHIT!!! Okay, you caught me, they didn't. Knobs and Finley celebrate for reasons that completely escape me.
Your winner and new Hardcore Champion: Brian Knobs (match time: 4:45 )
We've found Ric Flair, Lex Luger, and Elizabeth somewhere in the back. Flair refers to the threesome as "Team Package" and then pumps up Lex by telling him that he's better than Hogan. Have you ever noticed that Liz constantly smiles when she's around Flair?
2 security guys stand outside Scott Hall's dressing room. Nobody gets in and nobody gets out, it seems. 2 others at Sid's dressing room say the exact same thing.
HARDCORE WARRIOR NORMAN SMILEY vs. 3 COUNT in a 3-on-1 handicap match - 3 Count enters with their dancing circles, but Evan says they aren't going to sing. Tonight's all busines ! Norman enters in a Jerry Rice jersey as a video clip shows the Wall chokeslamming Norman through a table on Thunder. Damn that Wall! Norman gets the biggest crowd reaction of the night, I'd say. If Russo doesn't get remembered for anything else, he DID help get Norman over like gangbusters. 3 Count attacks... but Norman fends them off! 2 members regroup on the floor and Norman backdrops the third WAY in the air and onto his partners! Norman throws one of them back inside and they do a series of comedy spots and near falls. This is like a midget match with grown men. Norman catches Shannon Moore in Wiggle position, but another 3 Counter breaks it up. Tag to Shane Helms. Gutwrench suplex on Norman. Helms goes up top and misses a senton-looking dive. Norman hooks him by the legs... GIANT SWING!!! Both men are down! Shane reaches his feet and bends over as Norman walks up behind him to smack him up and do him in the butt. The San Francisco crowd, as you might imagine, pops HUGE for the implied sodomy! Evan rushes in to break things up but he misses a clothesline and almost collides with Shane. They break into a dance and Norman starts the wiggle to counter. Moore runs back in and gets caught in the CHICKEN WING! The others break it up and Norman's jersey is removed, exposing his taped ribs. Evan and Shane double suplex Norman onto the top rope. A triple team in the corner is allowed by the referee. Helms hits a superkick and pulls Norman into position as Evan goes up top. Twisting Splash! He hops up as Shane hits a Frog Splash from the top rope! Shannon Moore hooks Norman's legs and puts on a LionTamer.... Norman gives it up! 3 Count celebrates as the broadcasters hype Norman's courage.
Your winners: 3 Count (match time: 4:06)
The mystery door is shown again. Who's in there? Maybe it's THE ROCK!
Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Boys discuss the door. Jarrett doesn't want any surprises so he sends the stooges off to see who's inside.
THE DEMON vs. THE WALL in a "Special Main Event Match" - Demon enters as Tony suggests being quiet so they can hear "God of Thunder". Demon does the Gene Simmons blood drooling and Madden wonders what exactly the substance is. Tony suggests that Mark isn't up on his "KISS-tory". Shoot me now. Please. Video clips show us the Wall's reign of terror. The Wall doesn't enter to his music, so Demon heads up to the entrance and gets jumped from behind. It's a good thing the Wall knew Demon would be stupid enough to try that! The Wall runs Demon into the railing and drags him up the aisle to the ring. Gorilla Press Slam by the Wall! The crowd is SO dead that it isn't funny. Wall proceeds to make the Demon his bitch for a bit, but Demon takes control by hitting a clothesline off the second rope. Madden works in his "that's no shotgun, that's his love gun" line that was all the rage on WCW Live 6 months ago. Demon hits a dropkick and follows with a suplex. He whips the Wall to a corner and then gets dropped on the top rope as he charges in. Madden fails to follow up with "that's no love gun, that's a stun gun", but since nobody calls that the "stun gun" anymore I suppose it's forgivable. Side backbreaker by the Wall. Wall goes up to the top... Demon catches him! Bodyslam off the top! Wall seemed to land directly on his upper back and neck. Now Demon goes to the top and the Wall grabs him by the throat. Chokeslam! 1, 2, 3! Mercifully, it's over. The Wall walks off as we see some replays.
Your winner: The Wall (match time: 3:51)
Mean Gene has caught up to The Cat. Gene claims he's been looking for James Brown and Ernest says Gene ought to be searching for a breath mint. Ha! The Maestro has apparently been badmouthing Ernest, but the Cat ain't worried. He's as cool as a... well, as a cat.
The Harris Boys try opening the mystery door... but it's locked. Doh! Foiled again!
Tank Abbott paces back and forth. Big Al talks to himself.
Video clips provide insight on the heated feud between Tank and Big Al that has captivated the world.
WORLD TITLE MATERIAL TANK ABBOTT vs. BIG AL in a "skins match" - The object here is to retrieve the leather jacket that's hanging from a pole. What a concept! The jacket, featuring UFC logos, is shown. Al enters without incident. Tank's beer gut heads down the aisle, followed closely by Tank himself. He enters and the bell sounds! Al pulls off his belt for some reason. He offers a hand to Tank, who accepts... but Al drops the belt. He retrieves it and the two clasp hands and use the belt to tie their hands together. They're doing this gangland style? Wha? Tank's devastating right hand has been tied up, exclaims Tenay. They trade punches back and forth. Tank takes Al down to his knees with a left. Al fires back with a forearm and knocks Tank cold! Whaa? Tank exits the ring and pulls Tank's legs towards the ringpost in crotching position... no, Al says "it's too good for 'im" and he re-enters the ring. Al climbs to the first rope and looks up... then he STANDS on Tank's face! Tank knocks Al off and hops to his feet. A few big punches rock Al back. Al gets backed into a corner and hammered, then Tank leans him against the ropes and proceeds to smash him in the face a few times. Tank drapes the unconscious Al over his shoulder and... you've gotta be SHITTING me! He starts climbing the pole HOLDING Al. Tank reaches the top rope and, surprise surprise, completely loses his balance and drops Al to the floor. What the fuck were they thinking? Tank climbs back up and grabs the jacket for the win. He then throws the jacket down onto Al and... does he have a KNIFE? Tank crouches next to Al, holding a knife to his throat and saying "I could fucking KILL you!". WHAT... THE... FUCK?! Is this really happening? They quickly pan away and Tony claims it was scissors (wrong) and that Tank wanted to cut off Al's beard (what beard?).
Your winner: Tank Abbott (match time: 4:34)
Mean Gene stands by with Stevie Ray, Big T, and J. Biggs. Stevie claims that the person who used to watch Booker's back might be on their team. Didn't they release Midnight?
Video clips show the formation of the "New Harlem Heat". They didn't get a chance to edit Midnight out of the package, it seems... but maybe she isn't really gone?
Gene now talks with Booker, who refers to himself as "B". B ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it, sucka. Stevie be playin' him like a punk, now you know that's unheard of. Can you dig it?
BOOKER OJ vs. OBESE T (with the Nation) in an "Ownership of the Harlem Heat Franchise" match - Some of you (okay, one guy) asked what I mean by "Booker OJ". It was a joke referring to Booker's selling out on the black community as Stevie claimed... but since he's lost his other initial, the OJ may as well stick around... at least for this show. As T enters the commentators wonder what Stevie meant about the person who was watching Booker's back. They also assume Midnight, but I figure she's busy trying to find a way into the Georgia Dome Raw to talk with Vince. Booker enters to the "Leave It To Beaver" theme. My GOD, look at the massive gut and ass on Ahmed. Breathe Right strips are owned by Harlem Heat also, it seems, as T has one and Booker doesn't. Stevie leaves the ring and we're underway! T jumps Booker from behind as Booker is distracted by his brother. T hits a clothesline and a slam. Booker reverses a whip into a back suplex! Vertical suplex on T! That's a load to get up, no doubt. Running forearm by Booker! He pulls T up and heaves him over the top rope. Booker out to the apron... forearm on T! Stevie moves in and gets nailed! Booker grabs them both... NOGGIN KNOCKER! T is rolled back inside. AHHHHHH!!! Booker to the top... forearm to the back of the head. AHHHHHH!!!! Stevie trips Booker and T knocks him to the floor. Stevie and Biggs work over Booker while T distracts the referee. Booker is rolled back inside as Madden gets on Tony for saying "Booker T". Russian Leg Sweep by Booker out of nowhere. He doubles T over... AX KICK! AHHHHHHH!!! Didn't Ahmed give Owen a concussion with one of those once? T stands up into a HARLEM SIDEKICK! AHHHHHHH!!! Booker goes up top... Biggs hops onto the apron and Booker dives down and nails him. Rock Bottom on T! Stevie hops onto the apron and gets nailed! Booker to the top... MISSILE DROPKICK!! There's a cover! 1, 2... the lights go out!! BONG!! MY GOD, THE UNDERTAKER IS IN WCW!!! No wait, it's... it's... it's SOME REALLY FAT BLACK DUDE standing on the apron. Booker is distracted by the man and T nails him from behind. PEARL RIVER PLUNGE!! 1, 2, 3! I think that's 4x4 (or was it Swoll?) from the No Limit Soldiers crew last year. Biggs grabs the stick and tells us we're looking at the NEW New Harlem Heat Incorporated. Everybody's all hugs as they exit. What does it say when Stevie Ray is the most talented wrestler in a group?
Your winner: Big T (match time: 5:23)
Mean Gene is backstage with The Maestro and (YES!) Symphony. Lord, she is hot. The Maestro wants to make a wager with the Cat: if James Brown appears, "the Stro" will listen to whatever music the Cat wants him to. If James doesn't appear, the Cat becomes "the Stro's" lackey. Are you kidding me? Well, at least Symphony was there.
The Harris Boys have a locksmith, I assume, trying to get them into the mystery door. The guy can't get it open and gets attacked for his trouble.
Video clips show us the history of the budding Kidman/Vampiro rivalry.
KID-MAN (with Torrie) vs. VAM-PIE-RO - As Kidman enters I see that Torrie's not showing any cleavage, damn it. But her asscheeks are hanging out, so there's at least something. Vampiro enters without incident. We're underway! They trade lockups and such early on. Vampiro hits a tilt-a-whirl slam to gain the advantage. A clothesline gets Vamp a 2 count. Kidman tries a clothesline and Vamp ducks down, lifting Kidman onto his shoulders. Kidman spins around into powerbomb position and they tumble over the top to the floor! Vamp goes into the railing! Kidman throws him back inside and goes up top... Vamp stops him and hits a GUTWRENCH SUPERPLEX! 1, 2, Kidman escapes! Vamp dominates for a while as Torrie watches on. A suplex gets Vamp another 2 count. POWERBOMB ATTEMPT... Kidman escapes, of course, but gets met with a dropkick to the knee. Torrie climbs onto the apron and the camera is right behind her for some great butt shots. Kidman eats a superkick and he flies into the ropes, knocking Torrie to the floor. Kidman goes to check on her and Vamp attacks him on the floor. Vampiro grabs a chair! He shoves Torrie aside and she grabs the chair! Kidman takes advantage of the distraction and dropkicks the chair into Vamp. He rolls Vamp back inside and gets a 2 count. Vamp regains the advantage with a suplex and gets another 2 count. Kidman reverses a suplex into a roll-up for 2. Sky-High by Kidman! 1, 2, Vamp kicks out! Fame-Asser by Vamp gets a 2. Vamp goes up top... dropkick to the back of the head! 1, 2, Kidman's out. Vamp attempts something on the ropes but Kidman counters with a TOP ROPE FRANKENSTEINER!! 1, 2, Vamp kicks out! Kidman whips Vamp to a corner, but it's reversed. Kidman eats a kick to the gut... VAMP POWERBOMBS KIDMAN!! He holds it and pulls Kidman back up... RELEASE POWERBOMB ON KIDMAN!! VAMPIRO IS GOD!!! 1, 2, Kidman gets out! Vamp lifts Kidman onto the top rope and climbs up to meet him. Kidman reverses a superplex into a reverse DDT off the top! 1, 2, 3!! Torrie climbs in to celebrate as the announcers speculate on Vampiro's condition. Replays show us the incredible DOUBLE powerbomb combo on Kidman.
Your winner: Kidman (match time: 7:20)
What a surprise, Mean Gene is standing by! Terry Funk and Dustin Rhodes are his guests. Funk promises an ass kicking. Dustin, the apparent WCW version of Mick Foley and Tommy Dreamer, stands and nods.
Sid's dressing room opens... why, it's Sid! The security guards try to stop him from leaving, but Sid demands that Mean Gene be brought to him. Why not, Gene's talking to everybody ELSE tonight.
Backstage we find David Flair and Crowbar dragging Daffney around on a stretcher. Daffney's wearing that blue wig Madusa had on a few weeks ago.
Video clips show us the wild and wacky feud between the Mamalukes and the Nutcases.
Gene talks with Disco Inferno, Vito, and Johnny. The jist is that Johnny is so upset with David and company that he can't "eat his cheese sandwich". Yep, you heard me.
A COUPLE GOOMBAS (with Disco Inferno) vs. DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR (with Daffney) in a "Sicilian Stretcher Match" for the WCW World Tag Team Titles - Tenay breaks down the rules for us: the only way to win is for both team members to be rolled out of the arena on stretchers. As Flair and Crowbar enter we see video clips from Nitro of the Mamalukes getting laid out. As promised, Madden rips off CRZ's "Olive Garden" line to describe the Mamaluke wedding reception. Congrats, Madden, you're officially a fat fucking hack. Now go ask Bobby Heenan to teach you how to properly deliver a line so that somebody might actually laugh at what you say on some distant day in the future. Disco leads the Mamalukes down by pushing a wheelchair with a garbage can sitting on it. We see that multiple referees are around ringside... and Flair and Crowbar attack! We're underway! They're all going at it on the outside as Disco joins the broadcast team. Crowbar hits a Vader Bomb off the security railing! David puts Johnny on a stretcher and Crowbar dives over the top rope onto him! Dave starts rolling Johnny up the aisle... nope, Vito breaks it up. The Italians use the stretcher to ram both David and Crowbar. Daffney screams. David gets thrown into the ring and gets double teamed. Crowbar gets some of the same. Vito does the "Vito Shuffle". David and Vito go outside as Daffney enters the ring. She moves in on Johnny, who lifts her up so she can do a Frankensteiner on him and lose her blue wig in the process. Crowbar hits a German suplex on Johnny as Daffney maces Disco. Vito rolls Disco up the aisle on a stretcher... Crowbar breaks that up. Vito gets run into the frame of the stretcher. Daffney screams some more. Crowbar hits a powerslam on Vito! Then he hits a Lionsault! David uses the stretcher frame on Johnny as Crowbar slides a table into the ring. Disco rejoins the broadcasters to find out how things are going (since he's blind from the mace, you see). The table is propped up against a corner. Crowbar and Vito avoid going towards it... then Vito POWERBOMBS Crowbar through the table! David gets a double team slam. Vito does the shuffle and then exchanges cheek pecks with Johnny. Johnny leaps to the top rope and STICKS the landing! Twisting legdrop from the top on Dave! They throw David outside and load him onto a stretcher. Vito finds some weak looking tape and they use it to keep Dave on the stretcher. Crowbar is standing in the ring as two referees drag David backstage, eliminating him from the match. Back at ringside Crowbar uses a piece of table to floor both Goombas. He springs over the top rope and takes them both down! Disco gets nailed! The bell rings for no apparent reason. It was Daffney, probably. Crowbar pulls out another table and sets it up on the floor. Johnny uses a lead pipe to beat Crowbar down. He sets Crowbar onto the table as Vito SLOWLY climbs to the top rope. SPLASH OFF THE TOP THROUGH THE TABLE!!! They drag the limp Crowbar onto a stretcher and tape him down. Daffney screams for the 300th time this match. Crowbar is rolled up the aisle as the Mamalukes grab Daffney and set her in the wheelchair. Disco tapes her to the chair and sticks a sock in her mouth to shut her up. Crowbar disappears backstage and the Mamalukes win it. Disco pushes Daffney up the aisle to close this out. Madden says something about Daffney's breasts. He probably didn't mention that his are bigger than her's, but it's the truth.
Your winners and still WCW Tag Team Champions: The Mamalukes (match time: 11:22)
Jeff Jarrett and the Boys Harris are in the "office". Jeff has a plan and isn't worried that they couldn't enter the mystery door.
Mean Gene is led to Sid's dressing room. Sid gives his usual speech.
Back in the arena, the Cat's music starts to play. And sure enough, here's THE CAT making his way down to the ring. He's got the stick! "Cut my James Brown music off! You know, now you people wanna kiss up to me. Now you rednecks wanna kiss up to me. Just last week you were callin' the Cat a liar. You were callin' the Cat a piece of crap." More verbiage follows. Cat does the mandatory "sit down, fat boy/girl" insult. The Cat's music fires up again as Ernest calls for James Brown. Out walks... NOT JAMES BROWN with Jerry Lawler's cape and crown. The commentators can actually tell that it's not James, but the Cat pretends like it is. Here's THE MAESTRO & SYMPHONY SHAMROCK coming down the aisle. Maestro has a microphone of his own. "Cut this crap off right now! Cat... the Maestro has come to collect on our wager, little lackey." He orders the Cat to go get his bags. Cat says the only thing he'll be driving is "this red shoe in and out of your ass". The Maestro rips the wig off the phony James Brown, revealing that the man is actually bald. Cat: "Don't you ever disrespect James like that again! He's the Godfather of Soul!" Maestro: "Says WHO?" Voice: "Says ME!" More music fires up as the Cat jumps in the air... A BUNCH OF DANCERS jive their way down the aisle. And after a few moments, there's JAMES BROWN behind them. The Maestro apparently faints and Symphony rolls him outside. James enters the ring and the Cat falls down and bows to him. Ernest says they're gonna turn it up and the music starts again. The Cat does some steps and James follows suit. The Cat busts out THE ROBOT! James does a few more steps. Cat throws his jacket off and goes to town. James tries to put the robe on him, but the Cat does a few splits and then lets the robe be placed on him. James: "OWW! I feel good!" They dance a little more.
That segment would have ruled... if any current wrestling fan GAVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT JAMES BROWN!!!
Mean Gene, who's standing at Scott Hall's dressing room. Hall says when he started wrestling you didn't have to be friends with the boys and the bookers if you could go. Maybe not, but it would probably HELP, wouldn't it? When Hall wins he's gonna put the belt... down where? "Down here!" Hall does a hands-crossed DX-style chop, if you care about those sort of details.
Video clips run down the feud between Ric Flair and Terry Funk, minus a decade or two.
Mean Gene is now with Ric Flair. Flair's gonna kick Funk's ass tonight, a-yup.
We're back to the commentators as Tony runs down the death match rules: after a pinfall or submission, you have to beat a 10 count to stay in the match. If you ordered SuperBrawl, send away for your WCW Collector's Bear! Supplies are literally FLYING off the shelves!
TERRY FUNK (with Gold-Dustin) vs. RIC FLAIR in a Death Match - As Terry enters I notice that Dustin is wearing red leather pants. He's a true Texan through and through, no doubt. Flair makes his way down with the determination of a man who's only at this show because he can't get out of his contract. He enters the ring and we're underway! They trade shoves and lockups to start off. Funk hits a shoulderblock and pounds away on Flair's head. Flair gets Funk into a corner and chops away! WHOOOO! Funk reverses and punches to a round of boos from the crowd. Flair retreats to the outside and stalls. He climbs back onto the apron and Terry hits a suplex to bring Ric back in. Flair does the semi-famous "bounce off the corner, take a backdrop" spot. Funk nails some punches to take Ric down. Here's the SPINNING TOE HOLD!! Flair breaks free with a few right hands. He puts Funk against a corner, rips the front of his shirt open, and chops his exposed chest before tossing Terry outside. Flair tries a suplex on the floor... Funk blocks and hits his own! Dustin watches on as Funk ends up running into the guardrail. Flair tries another suplex and, again, Funk blocks it and hits his own. He covers! 1, 2, 3!! Flair has a 10 count to get back up. He does around 5. Funk moves in and gets chopped over the railing into the crowd. Ric pulls him back over and hits a running kick to the nuts. Flair grabs a chair! Smash to Funk's knee! There's another! And a third and fourth! Madden tries explaining the silence of the crowd by saying they "can't believe what they're seeing". Flair rolls Funk back inside and follows him in, chopblocking Funk's leg. Here's the FIGURE FOUR!! Funk gives up right away. The 10 count begins. Madden says something about a chop and Terri's nipple... now he's ripping ME off!! Wait, he probably meant "Terry's nipple", not "Terri's". Never mind. Funk reaches his feet around 6. Flair chops him down and goes up top... Funk catches him. Slam off the top! Funk whips Flair to a corner... FLAIR FLIP! Ric crashes down to the floor. Funk follows him out and hits a PILEDRIVER ON THE FLOOR! Terry starts pulling up the protective mats, then covers Flair for a 2 count. A good area of concrete is exposed and Funk hooks Flair... PILEDRIVER ON THE CONCRETE!!! Tony claims Flair's head hit the edge of the pads, but it didn't look like that to me. Funk covers. 1, 2, 3!! The 10 count begins. 1.... 2.... 3.... 4.... Funk pulls a table out from under the ring. 5.... 6.... 7... Flair's up! Funk sets the table up inside the ring and asks for the microphone. Funk's chest is almost busted open from Flair's hops. "Hey Flair, would you like to quit?" He nails Flair with the microphone a few times. "I have this table put out here so I can break your neck like I did before, Flair." Funk drags Flair up and sets him onto the table. Funk climbs up himself... PILEDRIVER THROUGH THE TABLE!!! Funk covers! 1, 2... Funk pulls Flair up! He goes outside and grabs another table, sliding it into the ring. Funk stands up the table and then covers Flair. 1, 2, Flair escapes! Funk positions Flair on the table, then starts climbing up for a moonsault! Flair slides off and clips Funk's knee, knocking him off the top and THROUGH THE TABLE! Flair inches over towards him. 1, 2, 3!! The 10 count begins. 1... 2.... 3.... 4... Funk and Flair are down. 5.... 6.... 7.... Funk is still down. 8.... 9.... 10!! Flair wins! Dustin enters to assist Funk as Flair is helped backstage by the referee.
Your winner: Ric Flair (match time: 15:41)
There's the mystery door again. You know who's in there? THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! It's gotta be!
Lord, Mean Gene's earning his pay tonight. He stands by with the cast sporting Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart. Hulk promises to make Luger's arm go snap, crackle, pop... and if Liz gets involved, he'll break HER in half and feed her to Lex! Hey, if anybody's gonna eat Liz around here, it's gonna be ME, pal. Uh... sorry.
HULK HOGAN vs. THE TOTAL PACKAGE (with Lizbet and a chair) in a "special attraction" battle of the American Heros - Out for the intros is MICHAEL BUFFER. Lex does his routine faster than normal tonight. Buffer actually reads Lex's body fat percentage as he introduces him. The crowd cheers as Hogan's music starts. Lord, help us. The camera zooms in on a "HULKAMANIA RULES" sign... and just before it cuts back to Hogan, THERE'S CRZ!!! Go pop in your tape and see for yourself! Hulk slides under the bottom rope and Lex jumps him! He hammers Hogan around the ring and drops him with a clothesline. Big elbow drop by Lex misses! Hulk rises up and unloads some right hands. Rake to the eyes! Scratch to the back! A clothesline takes Lex down. Repeated elbows by Hogan, then a blatant choke. Hulk pulls Lex up and throws him outside so he can tear off his shirt uninterrupted. Hogan goes outside himself and uses his shirt to choke Lex. Luger eats the steel! Hulk uses a chair to smash Lex down! Liz watches on. Back inside the ring, Hulk dominates with his limited offense. Lex throws back an elbow that nails Hogan in the chops. A big punch knocks Hulk to the floor. Lex follows him and runs Hulk's head into the railing a time or two. They go back inside and Hulk manages a comeback. He rams Lex's head into the buckle 10 times... I haven't seen THAT in a while. Hogan moves to another corner and does it again. Once was enough, I think. A big wind-up punch sends Lex down. Hulk hits the ropes and Liz grabs his leg. Hulk goes outside and chases her, allowing Lex attacks him from behind. Hulk regains control and Liz sneaks up on him with the bat... here's JIMMY HART to mug Liz! He takes the bat and hands it off to someone as Lex takes back control. They go back inside and Lex calls for the Rack! He drops Hulk with a suplex... Hogan pops up! He's hulking up despite not being hit with a finisher! Big Boot on Lex! Jimmy Hart throws a weight belt into Hulk, but Lex lands a low blow! He smashes Hogan down to the mat. Now Luger has the belt! Lex goes into the ropes... Jimmy Hart nails him with his cast! Hogan uses HIS cast and Luger goes down! There's the atomic legdrop! 1, 2, 3! Bah. Hulk grabs the weight belt and whips Luger with it! Here's RIC FLAIR!! He clips Hogan's knee! WHOOOO!!! Jimmy Hart nails Flair from behind and then gets floored by Luger. "Once a Horseman, always a Horseman" says Madden. Lex grabs his chair... here comes ACTOR/WRESTLER STEVE BORDEN! The Stinger uses his bat and drives off Lex and Flair! They limp up the aisle as Sting and Hogan shake hands. Hey, remember Hogan's last PPV match when he laid down for Sting for no apparent reason? Nah, me neither.
Your winner: Hulk Hogan (match time: 8:11)
Scott Hall emerges from his dressing room and waves off the security. Sid heads out himself. Jarrett, the Harris Boys, and the girls leave the office.
Video clips show us the evil reign of Jeff Jarrett as Commish. Total words said with "slap" in them: 4.
There's the mystery door... and it's open! But it wasn't Sting inside! So the camera that's been there for 3 hours MISSED the person leaving? Blow me.
SYCO PSYD vs. SUPREME DEITY JEFF JARRETT (with the Harris Brothers and a 6-string) vs. SCOTT HALL for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Jarrett enters and gets his pyro treatment. Buffer says he's a former 5 time world champion. HUH? Hall enters to the Wolfpack music, despite there not being a Wolfpack. I, for one, will mark out like a motherfucker if Hall shows up on Raw in the near future. But I'll feel really guilty about it afterwards. Hall does the "Razor Shuffle" and he and Jarrett go at it! Hall hits the throwaway slam! Sid's music fires up as Hall clotheslines Jarrett to the floor. Sid enters and Hall jumps him! Sid fights off Hall and Jarrett both! The Harris boys get nailed! Sid stands alone in the ring! Hall and Jarrett re-enter and Hall does another DX-style chop. The Harris brothers sweep Sid's legs out as Jarrett jumps Hall. Swinging neckbreaker by Jarrett! He stomps both guys! Jarrett drapes Hall on the second rope and hits a legdrop to the back. Jeff with a sleeper on Hall! Hall shoves him off and applies one of his own. Jeff fights out and they exchange big punches. Hall nearly hits the referee... and Jarrett DOES. The ref goes down! Oh SHIT, I just figured out who's behind the door. Sid grabs BOTH men by the throat... DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! Sid makes a cover... but there's no ref. The Harris boys pull Jarrett out and hand him the world title belt. Sid gets a 2 count on Hall. Jarrett enters and waffles Sid with the belt! He covers! 1, 2, NO! Jarrett shoves Patrick and Nick shoves him back... into a Scott Hall roll-up! 1, 2, Jarrett escapes! Small package by Hall for 2. Jarrett nails Hall and then nails Nick Patrick! There's the Stroke on the ref! A Harris climbs up with a chair as Charles Robinson runs down. Jarrett gets rammed into the chair. Hall covers him as Sid lays out the Harris brothers. 1, 2, Jarrett kicks out. Razor's Edge attempt by Hall fails. Jarrett hits the Stroke on Robinson! Mickey Jay enters and gets a Stroke of his own! Jeff waves down referee Mark Johnson... but Hall hooks Jarrett in the Razor's Edge! He hits it! 1, 2... Johnson hurt his shoulder! Somebody get him some help! Hall stalks the evil referee, but Sid starts laying out everybody. Hall ducks a big clothesline and Sid goes outside. Jarrett gets the guitar! EL-KABONG ON HALL!!! The crowd cheers... yep, here's REFEREE RODDY PIPER on his way down! Jarrett makes the cover. 1, 2... Piper stops the count! Aw, bloody hell. Mark Johnson gets laid out. Jarrett confronts Piper and gets poked in the eyes. Sid grabs Jeff... CHOKESLAM! Sid pulls up Hall... POWERBOMB! Piper drops down. 1, 2, 3! God DAMN. Piper walks off as Sid celebrates with the belt. That's all for SuperBrawl! Watch Nitro!
Your winner and still WCW Heavyweight Champion: Sid Vicious (match time: 7:52)
They didn't mention it... but don't forget about next month's event! Because when you think things can't get any worse, there's always Uncensored!
Man alive... it took about 3 cans of Surge, 4 Mt. Dew's, and a few gallons of coffee to stay away through this show. Talk about a f'n snoozer. I officially want those 3 hours of my life back. The show didn't actively suck, but few developments, only one decent match... that isn't a formula for a good PPV. And if you were paying attention, the sign with my name didn't make it on camera. But thanks to CRZ anyway!
In happier news... due to the overwhelming pressure I've been under from all my loyal readers (and I thank all 3 of you!), I have decided to expand my recapping duties for a show and cover WrestleMania! As best I can tell, there should also be two other looks at the show once it happens... but it's freakin' WRESTLEMANIA, baby! The more the merrier!
I'll see you back here at Uncensored. Adios!