It's that time again. Yes... THAT time. So kiss the wife and kids good-bye, strap yourself in, and hold on tight... 'cause it's time for another WCW pay-per-view! Yes indeed, my name is Chris Jones and this is YOUR WCW Spring Stampede recap!

I've gotten a lot of questions this week. "Chris, what do you think of this new 'era' in WCW? Is it off to a good start? And why are you stealing this bit from Craig Kilborn? That guy isn't funny." Okay, first off... I don't "steal". I "borrow". Second... I don't think a week is a long enough time frame to really judge how things will shape up. I am concerned, however, with some of the reaction I've seen on the internet as it relates to these new changes.

The number of times I've seen someone say "Haha! Bischoff said 'scissors' to Sid! I can't believe it!" is honestly alarming. And it's not that people think there's actual shooting going on, they're just giddy that they understood the reference because now they can explain it to their buddies during a commercial and sound like an insider. Then they express their excitement about the "New Blood" finally getting a chance, somehow having been blinded to the fact that it's the old guys who are getting the top spot. When it's not the mid-90's and people pop for a freaking Lex Luger run-in, a buzzer should sound in your head to alert you that something's fishy. And I won't even get into the fact that Russo and Bischoff themselves aren't only the leaders of the main faction, they're the ones dishing out the most punishment.

Making the young guys be the heels makes no sense to me and, mark my words, it's all part of somebody's master plan. Perhaps Bischoff's, Hogan's, Russo's... but before long, someone important will make the argument that the fans don't WANT to see the younger guys get pushed, because if they DID then the young guys would be getting cheered regardless. And before we know it, we'll be right back where we started.

But on the other hand, Jeff Jarrett IS still in the main event... and we know Russo likes the ladies, and that's sure to mean plenty of cleavage shots from Kimberly, Torrie, and the like... so things can't be ALL bad. If Double J's packing the gold and girls like Kimberly's are packing their funbags into a tight top, I could give a shit about everything else, baby!

Well, at least for now. But enough of this "opinion" crap! Let's get going!

WCW Logo. In 6 months it will be running the company.

Opening video clips show us... what else? RUSSO AND BISCHOFF!!! And they're kicking some ass! Russo's swearing from Nitro gets in unedited. Flair is Russo's bitch! Bischoff takes out Hogan! Boy, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear Russo vs. Flair and Hogan vs. Bischoff were our main events tonight. Maybe next month!

We cut to a live shot of THE BISCH pacing in a dressing room. IRON MAN is seated on a couch. "How the hell did he check himself out of the hospital?" ponders Eric. There's KID-MAN & TORRIE'S CLEAVAGE on the other end of the couch. Kidman isn't worried... they'll just fire up the Hummer if there's trouble. Torrie and hummers... WHAT A COMBO! Russo tells Bischoff to relax.

Here's more clips of America's favorite duo. Wow, some other guys are included, too!

We fade into the United Center where we're LIVE from Chicago, Illinois! Pyro! Cheering! Sign reading "Steiner Is Gay"!

We meed our hosts for tonight's big barrel of fun, TONY "STILL A JABRONIE" SCHIAVONE, SCOTT "REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS GOOD?" HUDSON, & MARK "HEY, WAS THAT BIG BARREL OF FUN REMARK SOME KIND OF CRACK AT ME?" MADDEN, who remind us that ALL titles (except that pesky TV belt) will find new owners tonight. Thanks to Russo and the B, and the fact that there aren't enough of the old boys to go around, the Millionaire's Club has only one representative per tournament. Referring to Diamond Dallas Page, Madden says "DD-Me" to prove he still reads the Torch. Where was Tank's knife on Monday when he needed it? Also tonight, the referees have been told to relax the DQ rules. You know what that means! BRING ON THE SCREWJOBS!

A COUPLE GOOMBAHS (with Disco) vs. ????? in a first round match in the WCW Tag Team Title Tournament - I have no idea what the brackets are, so their opponents are a mystery to me. The Italians enter and we're treated to the Vito Shuffle.

Hey, here's PUBLIC ENEMY #1 GENE OKERLUND backstage with Ric Flair, the Package, and LIZ! Flair's in street clothes again. It's a street fight, baby! WHOOO!

A COUPLE GOOMBAHS (with Disco) vs. TEAM PACKAGE (with Lizbet) in the semi-finals of the WCW Tag Team Title Tournament - Luger does his posing in the aisle and gets music AND pyro. So that whole thing lasted, what, one night? Flair gets both as well. It's already becoming slightly apparent that Ric's wrestling in clothes to keep covered up... how many more reasons for wearing the clothes can they come up with? Hold on, here's IRON MAN at the top of the aisle. "Cut the music! Cut the music! What happened to the even playing field? Hey Slick Ric and Very Small Package... we've got two crafty veterans in that ring against two rookies! That's not even! So what do you say we even up the sides just a bit? What do you say we send out the boys?" More music... here comes THE HARRIS BOYS to... well, I don't know. Madden says it'll be 4-on-2. Gee, that only slightly gives away who's going to win since TWO teams can't advance in the tournament. The Harris Boys enter and it's a BRAWL! Flair gets pounded by the Goombahs, Luger by the Harris Boys. Wait! Team Package fights back! Disco gets nailed! Flair works over Johnny! Luger brawls with the Harris Boys outside. FIGURE FOUR ON JOHNNY! Flair... lets go. Okay. Superkick by Vito! A jumping elbow keeps Flair down. Luger comes in and attacks Vito. Ron and Don hit a double big boot on Flair. Cover! 1, 2, kickout! I guess tags aren't needed here? Ron-or-Don hits a corner clothesline on Flair, then tags Don-or-Ron. Flair gets beat down. Flair counters a corner charge with an elbow... then Flair goes up top! He gets slammed off! Tag to the other Harris. He drops an elbow... misses! Another one misses! Tag to Luger! Nope, the ref missed it. All 4 guys work over Flair in the interim. Disco runs Lex into the ringpost on the outside. Liz hit Disco for his interference, apparently, but we didn't see it. Flair continues to get worked over. TWO GUYS right from the crowd, seemingly, grab Disco by the arms and lead him off. They aren't security, says Tony. They look Sicilian, says Madden. YES! MORE WACKY MOB FUN! Meanwhile, a Harris is brawling with Vito... I missed why. Flair makes the tag! Luger takes everybody out! Vito climbs up top slowly and Lex shrugs while he waits for him. Vito leaps off and eats a punch to the gut! Lex tosses him outside! Johnny jumps Luger from behind. Luger whips Johnny to the corner... LEAP TO THE TOP ROPE! YES! I love that move! A flying clothesline takes Lex down. Flair's getting beaten on the outside of the ring. Johnny gets a 2 count on Lex. Luger whips Johnny into Vito. TORTURE RACK ON JOHNNY! Johnny submits! Flair and Liz are in to celebrate. Wow, FOUR young guys couldn't beat TWO old guys! The new blood wrestlers must SUCK!

Your winners, advancing to the finals: Team Package (match time: 6:11)

Gene's backstage with... Mike Awesome! Mike's the 8th man in the United States title tournament. Awesome does an interview as only he can while trying not to swear too severely. Here's BAM BAM BIGELOW for some reason. "Where did you get this jabronie?" "Hey, who the hell are you calling a jabronie? I'm trying to conduct business here, so why don't you get the HELL off my set?" "Who you talkin' to?" Mike backs down... then, of course, as Bammer leaves Awesome jumps him and stomps him down. "Yeah, that's right! I was talking to you, Bam Bam! And don't you forget it, all right? I was talking to YOU!" Maybe it's just me... but Mike Awesome comes off sounding like SUCH a weenie.

Up next... Jimmy Hart vs. Mancow! BREAK OUT THE VCR!!!

Video packages show us that there's actually a history to this feud. "Bullshit" slips through.

JIMMY HART (with a big, bald dude) vs. MANCOW (with a cast of freaks) - The dude with Jimmy is HALE, it seems. I should watch WCW Saturday Night more often. Wait, no I shouldn't. Jimmy gets the stick! He calls Mancow a Stern wanna-be. So Jimmy's the heel? One of the ho's with Mancow trips on the way down. Tony tells us that the rest of his entourage includes "Al Roker Jr.", "Brian the Whipping Boy", and "Turd". Now Mancow has the stick! He ups the "shit" count to 3 tonight before thanking Bischoff for this chance. One PPV back and Eric's already got the celebrities wrestling, huh? Mancow REALLY sucks up to the locals... then he attacks! Here we go! They roll around like girls for a bit. Hale hops onto the apron to distract Mancow. Mancow gives him the finger! Jimmy hits a low blow and starts throwing punches. Jimmy to the TOP ROPE! BIG SPLASH! No, Mancow pulled referee "Slick" Mark Johnson on top of him. Need I point out that the ref, the BIGGEST GUY IN THE RING, is selling it like he's dead? Mancow hammers Jimmy! Hale climbs in and lifts Mancow in a gorilla press. He HEAVES him onto the freaks at ringside! Hale goes outside and throws Mancow back inside. Jimmy covers! The ref is still down. Hale leaves, apparently, and Jimmy tries helping the ref up. Mancow has a chair! He wacks Jimmy across the back! Cover! 1, 2, 3! Mancow celebrates with his pals as KID-MAN heads down the aisle. He nails Jimmy Hart! Billy puts the badmouth on Hart and heads off.

Your winner: Mancow ("match" time: 2:49)

Somewhere backstage, Russo chews out the Mamalukes and Harris Brothers for losing their match.

THE WALL vs. WALKING ROID RAGE (without freaks) in a first round match in the United States Title Tournament - Wall enters without incident. Steiner enters to "Steinerized" as RICK & TED DIBIASE follow him down... okay, you caught me, they didn't. Didn't Steiner win a US title tournament at LAST year's Spring Stampede? They lock up! Steiner forces Wall into a corner and hammers him. Wall fires back! Steiner eats the turnbuckle pad. Wall climbs up for the 10 punches of doom... but Steiner hits a low blow! Scott busts out the spinning belly-to-belly! Wall breaks free of another suplex attempt and hits a blatant low blow. Big boot! Steiner's down! Legdrop by the Wall! 1, 2, kickout! Wall lifts Steiner with a two-handed choke and then drops him. Steiner hits a stun gun! They go outside and Scott gets whipped into the railing. Wall pulls out a TABLE! He sets it up at ringside. Steiner rams Wall's head into the table and tries for a suplex through it! Wall blocks! He's got Scotty by the throat! Steiner goes to the eyes to break it. Scott pulls the ref in front of him and holds him there... the blinded Wall grabs the ref! CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE TABLE! Like he couldn't tell that wasn't Steiner? Another ref runs down and calls for the bell... Wall is DQ'd for chokeslamming the ref. HUH?! Isn't it Steiner's fault for HOLDING THE REF IN FRONT OF HIM? Whatever. Wall chases after the second ref.

Your winner, advancing in the tournament: Scott Steiner (match time: 3:52)

Gene's standing by with the Cat, who was expecting James Brown... or something like that. Bam Bam appears again and beats Ernest down for reasons known only to him.

TAZZ'S BITCH vs. THE CAT in a first round match in the United States Title Tournament - Video clips from Nitro show us Awesome laying out Nash. Here comes BAM BAM again... he jumps Awesome in the aisle! The bell rings? Oookay. If this is all you have to do to get in the tournament, why doesn't EVERY OTHER WRESTLER not involved attack someone that is and claim their spot? Bammer whips Awesome into the guard rail. "ECW" chant fires up. They head inside and Bam Bam unloads some shots. Mike fires back! AWESOME BIG BOOT! An AWESOME CLOTHESLINE sends Bam Bam to the floor! AWESOME LEAP TO THE FLOOR!! Bam Bam whips Awesome into the railing again. Mike clearly tells the fans behind him to move. Bam Bam charges in... AWESOME BACKDROP OVER THE RAILING! AWESOME LEAP OVER THE RAILING! Mike tosses Bam Bam back inside the ring. AWESOME RUNNING CLOTHESLINE! Awesome goes up top! AWESOME CLOTHESLINE OFF THE TOP! 1, 2, kickout! Mike tries an awesome belly-to-back, but Bam Bam lands on top of him! Bammer with a scoop slam... but not an AWESOME scoop slam. Bam Bam up top! TOP ROPE HEADBUTT!!! Here's THE CAT in out of nowhere. He superkicks Bam Bam to the floor! Cat asks for the stick! "I'm gonna tell you people, I came here to be a winner and I just beat every ass in the ring. And now even though I'm hurt, I'm gonna dance for you fools! Now shut up until I put my red shoes on." Cat does indeed put on his shoes. "Hit my music!" His music starts and the Cat gets funky! Mike gets back to his feet. AWESOME RUNNING CLOTHESLINE! Mike goes up top! AWESOME AWESOME SPLASH!!! 1, 2, 3! So it only takes two moves to beat Ernest Miller? Man, the Cat is a pussy. (Haha! Get it? The Cat is a... bah, leave me alone.)

Your AWESOME winner, advancing in the AWESOME tournament: Mike Awesome (AWESOME match time: 4:01)

Russo's chillin' on the couch and telling Bischoff to relax. Eric thinks Hogan will appear after Kidman's attack on Jimmy Hart. NOW I know why Kidman gets "the rub" from Bischoff and Russo... it means Russo gets to be on screen with Torrie.

Mean Gene is with Buff Bagwell and Shane Douglas. Buff says that we're looking at the new blood. Huh? The only way Shane Douglas qualifies as "new blood" is if he happens to be on the same transfusion plan as Keith Richards. Douglas runs down Flair. "Bullshit" is said again.

HARLEM HEAT - THE NEXT GENERATION (with J. Biggs & Cash) vs. BUFFY & THE DEAN in the semi-finals of the Tag Team Title Tournament - Harlem Heat enters. Shane Douglas FINALLY gets a rip-off of "Perfect Strangers" as his entrance music. What took 'em? He waits in the aisle as Buff makes his entrance. Does anyone LIKE Buff Bagwell? Seriously. If you like Buff, e-mail me and tell me why. Douglas and Buff rush the ring! We're underway! Stevie slams Douglas down as the ref forces Buff and Ahmed to the outside. Stevie misses an elbow and Douglas takes control. Tag to Buff. Swinging neckbreaker! Stevie makes a blind tag and Buff gets caught in a spinebuster by Big T! Stevie drops a leg! T proves to be the DUMBEST WRESTLER ALIVE as he whips Buff into Buff's own corner. Buff nails an elbow! VADER BOMB! 1, 2, T kicks out. Tag to Stevie! Douglas gets the lukewarm tag! Stevie and Ahmed get nailed! Cash attacks Buff on the floor. Stevie and T hit a double big boot on Shane. Stevie pulls a slapjack from his tights! The referee takes it away! Douglas goes low on Ahmed. Perfect Plex on Stevie... no, Shane turned it into a regular suplex to make it a Fisherman Buster, I suppose. Cover! 1, 2, 3! Shane and Buff leave as Harlem Heat 2000 argues in mid-ring. PLEASE let them split and feud! Imagine all the classic matches it'll produce!

Your winners, advancing to the finals: Buff Bagwell & Shane Douglas (match time: 2:41)

Mene Gene talks wit' Booka T, sucka. He worked for his opportunity, ya dig, but he ain't always been cool wit' Bischoff. It be all about bidness tonight!

BOOKER TEE vs. ACTOR/WRESTLER STEVE BORDEN in a first round match in the United States Title Tournament - Booker enters to new music and NO CROWD RESPONSE WHATSOEVER. Maybe those two observations are related... but it's more fun to blame Russo and Bischoff for killing Booker's heat. C'mon, try it! Sting heads out to a healthy pop. He heads inside and we're underway! Sting and Booker exchange a few words... and some shoves! Hey, there's BILL APTER taking pictures on the floor! They lock up. Booker grabs a headlock. AHHHHHHH!!!! Sting hits a hiplock. OWWWWWW!!! Booker hammers Sting but ends up getting slammed down. Sting clotheslines Booker to the floor! The Stinger follows him out. Booker gets whipped into the railing and timekeeper's table! Sting knocks Booker into the announcer's table and rushes in... Booker stun guns him on the table! They go back inside and Booker wraps on a chinlock. Sting fights back... but eats a knee to the gut! Booker knocks him down and covers. 1, 2, kickout! Booker with a big kneedrop. 1, 2, kickout! Back to the chinlock goes Booker. Rest holds this early? What's up with THAT? Sting starts fighting up again... Booker hammers him. AX KICK!!! Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Booker shoots Sting to the ropes... 110TH STREET SLAM!! Booker spins up to his feet! HARLEM SIDEKICK... MISSES! Sting hits a DDT! 1, 2, kickout! Sting backs into a corner... STINGER SPLASH! ANOTHER STINGER... NO, BOOKER HITS A HARLEM SIDEKICK!!! Booker whips Sting to the ropes... Sting ducks a clothesline and hits a high cross body block! 1, 2, kickout! Booker escapes a suplex and tries one of his own. Sting escapes! SCORPION DEATH DROP! 1, 2, 3! That was a nice little match, that was. But a clean finish? Who booked this crap? Sting heads out and Booker follows him, spinning him around in the aisle. They re-enter the ring and Booker offers a fist. The crowd BOOS, I think. Sting bumps fists and head off as replays show us various spots.

Your winner, advancing in the tournament: Sting (match time: 6:34)

Mean Gene's standing by with Kidman, Torrie, and Eric Bischoff. Eric's still worried about Hogan. Kidman still isn't.

VAM-PIE-RO vs. KID-MAN (with Torrie's cleavage) in a first round match in the United States Title Tournament - Vamp enters with little to no crowd heat. Kidman and Torrie head down without incident. There's the bell! Kidman rushes Vamp and Vamp sidesteps. Rapid headbutts on Kidman! Vampiro hits a corner clothesline... then an overhead belly-to-belly! Vamp goes up top! FLYING CLOTHESLINE! 1, 2, kickout! Big chop by Vamp. Kidman ducks under a kick and hits a Frankensteiner! Then a dropkick! Kidman tries for the 10 punches of doom... Vampiro tempts fate by grabbing Kidman in powerbomb position! RELEASE POWERBOMB ON KIDMAN! Vamp hits a belly-to-back suplex! He tries a regular powerbomb... NO!! You STILL can't powerbomb Kidman! Big face slam! Kidman unloads some punches and stomps Vamp down in a corner. Vamp gets slammed down... Kidman with slingshot legdrop! 1, 2, kickout! Vamp fights back and nails a few kicks. Kidman regains control with a side suplex. 1, 2, kickout. Kidman chokes Vamp with his boot. Kidman tries a suplex... Vamp blocks! Vamp hits his own suplex! ROCK BOTTOM on Kidman! 1, 2, kickout! The crowd is TOTALLY dead here. Vamp tries ANOTHER powerbomb... and gets ANOTHER face slam. Doesn't he learn? Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Kidman tosses Vampiro to the floor. Vamp bangs his shin into the steps. They come back in and Vamp floors Kidman with a spinning kick! 1, 2, kickout! Kidman escapes an armbar and hits a DDT. 1, 2, kickout! Here's a car speeding into the building. Why, it's HULK HOGAN inside! Hogan, with ribs and arm taped, heads down the aisle and enters the ring! Kidman attacks! Hogan fights him off easily and throws Kidman to the floor. Hulk follows and slams Kidman into the steps... then the post! Hogan grabs the steps and THROWS them at Kidman! Kidman moves! Hulk positions the steps by the announce table and grabs Kidman. Hulk lifts Kidman and DROPS HIM ON THE TABLE! Hogan pulls Kidman up and slams him THROUGH THE TABLE this time!! Hulk rolls Kidman inside where Vampiro covers. 1, 2, 3! Hogan grabs the stick! "Bischoff! I hope you're watching, you son of a bitch! Cause I'm coming after your ass right now!" Hulk stalks off backstage. There's THE BISCH with his head in his hands backstage. Russo says if Eric runs, he's a sitting duck... then Russo leaves.

Your winner, advancing in the tournament: Vampiro (match time: 8:28)

We pick things up with Hogan hunting for Bischoff and saying something about dragging Eric behind his car until he smells as bad as Rodman. Hogan opens in a door... no Eric. Another door... no Eric. Hey, remember the time Steve Austin hunted for Vince McMahon (in this same manner, no less) and found Owen Hart on the phone? "Leave me alone! I'm retired!" Those were the days. Another door... no Eric. Hulk finds a locked door and kicks it in. There's Eric! Eric picks up a chair as Hulk chokes him up against a vanity mirror. OH MY GOD!!! THE WARRIOR IS IN THE MIRROR!!! Okay, not really. In come A BUNCH OF COPS who pull Hogan off, then pull GUNS on him. Give me a break. Hulk gets cuffed and taken away. As they leave we see TERRY TAYLOR and TERRY FUNK in the hallway. Taylor tells Funk that Norman Smiley is scared to face him, so Norman's hiding in catering. Terry stalks off down the hall as all we hear is Bischoff breathing heavily like a crank caller. Funk enters the room and asks the people where Norman is... they all point towards a door in the back. Terry enters the men's room. "Norman, are you in here?" "AHHHH!!! AHHHH!!!" I guess we're underway!

TERRY FUNK vs. HARDCORE WARRIOR NORMAN SMILEY for the vacant WCW Hardcore Championship - Terry kicks in the stall and drags Norman out. Norman's wearing Cubs catcher gear tonight. Norman escapes the bathroom and Terry rips a fire extinguisher off the wall and sprays it. Norman gets slammed on a table! Terry dumps a bunch of Coke cans and then slides Norman into the dirty tray slot leading to the kitchen. As Terry climbs through the slot himself, Norman sprays him with water. Terry gets dumped on a steel table. Norman uses a giant cookie sheet! They brawl into a hallway and Funk gets put HEADFIRST into a trash can! Norman pulls him out and continues working him over. Norman smashes Funk with a soda can. Terry finds a LAPTOP and nails Norman with it! Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Norman gets tossed into a few boxes. A ladder is propped against a wall and Norman climbs it and grabs hold of a large pipe about 7 feet off the ground. Funk tries to grab him as Norman screams in terror. Terry puts a table under Norman and hits him with a chair! And again... and Norman falls through the table!!! He quickly scurries away as Terry launches a chair that misses. Norman finds a chair of his own and works Funk over! They brawl into the main arena. Norman unloads a few chair shots to the head. They reach the aisle and Norman hammers Terry up towards ringside. They roll inside the ring. Norman hits another chair shot... and HERE'S THE WIGGLE! Funk tries to stand and Norman rams his head into a chair on the mat. Norman comes up behind Funk... he slaps him up and does him in the butt! Funk grabs the chair on the mat and nails Norman! Then he hits him AGAIN! They go to the outside. Funk pulls a ladder out from under the ring and sets it teeter-totter style between the ropes. Here's WASTE OF SPACE DUSTIN RHODES to attack Funk! They go back inside. Dustin nails Terry with a chair! Piledriver on the chair! Dustin grabs the chair and goes to the second rope... he leaps off, but Funk raises a foot! Dustin takes the chair in the chops and falls into the ladder... I guess it was supposed to raise up and smash Norman on the outside, but it didn't quite work out that way. Funk grabs the ladder and DROPS it over the top rope onto Norman! Funk goes outside and covers! 1, 2, 3!! Terry celebrates with the belt and we quickly move on.

Your winner and new WCW Hardcore champion: Terry Funk (match time: 8:03)

If YOU ordered Spring Stampede, send away for a WCW logo mouse pad! I'll keep my "Where's The Beef?" pad, thank you very much.

Vinny is in a locker room chewing out Booker T for showing respect to Sting. Russo's trying to help, he says... it's Bischoff who Booker is pissing off. If Booker assists Russo with something, everything will be cool.

MIKE AWESOME vs. SCOTTY STEINER in the semi-final round of the United States Title Tournament - Awesome enters without incident. Steiner still uses his old theme. He enters and there's the bell! They lock up... Steiner takes him down and NAILS him with some elbows and a stiff as hell crossface! SHIT! Mike fights up and meets a STEINERLINE! Scott hits an elbow and tosses Awesome outside. Steiner does a few push-ups to pass the time. Madden: "Scotty will be doing that later, except there'll be somebody under him." Awesome climbs onto the apron and gets nailed. Steiner hits the ropes... AWESOME SLINGSHOT SHOULDERBLOCK! Steiner goes down! Awesome runs the ropes... AWESOME WARRIOR SPLASH!! Mike climbs up top! AWESOME FLYING CLOTHESLINE!! Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Steiner goes low with a kick. Spinning belly-to-belly! Awesome gets hammered against a corner. Chop by Steiner! And another! Scott whips Mike to the opposite corner... Awesome springs off the ropes with an AWESOME SPRINGBOARD ELBOW! Cover! 1, 2, kickout! The fans rise up and start cheering at something as Awesome hits an AWESOME LEGDROP! Mike climbs up top again... here's KEVIN NASH with a crutch! He nails Awesome with the crutch, knocking him off the top rope! STEINER RECLINER! Awesome gives up! Steiner shows us the tennis ball he had implanted into his arm.

Your winner, advancing to the finals: Scott Steiner (match time: 3:15)

Russo is in some other locker room, chewing out Dustin Rhodes because of Terry Funk's title win. Booker T stands nearby. Vince FIRES Dustin! YES! GOD BLESS VINCE RUSSO! Russo brings up Goldust as Booker keeps Dustin calm.

VAM-PIE-RO vs. ACTOR/WRESTLER STEVE BORDEN in the semi-final round of the United States Title Tournament - WHEN BROTHERS IN PAINT COLLIDE!!! Vamp enters... I miss that ICP tune he used to have. The lights to out and we hear lighting crashing before "Seek and Destroy" kicks up. Sting charges into the ring and gets met with a spin kick! Vampiro dominates early! A few shots suddenly have no effect. Sting fires back! Vamp gets dumped to the floor. Sting follows him and rams Vamp into a chair! Sting picks up another chair and cracks Vamp in the back! They go back inside. Scoop slam on Vamp. Sting goes up top! FLYING SPLASH OFF THE TOP!!! 1, 2, kickout!! Sting tosses Vamp back outside and follows him. Vamp eats the railing. Sting backs up... STINGER SPLASH MISSES!! Sting hits the railing! That NEVER works. Vamp rams Sting's head into a chair. A BIG superkick knocks Sting flat. Vamp rolls Sting inside and climbs up top! Sting... I think he's shaking his head "no" to Vamp. Maybe he's hurt? Vamp drops down and whips Sting to the ropes... jumping shoulderblock! Vamp hits a legdrop! 1, 2, kickout! "Sting" chant fires up. Belly-to-back by Vamp! 1, 2, kickout! Vamp goes to the apron as if to go up top, but then comes back inside. Sting takes a few chops in a corner. Suplex by Vamp! 1, 2, kickout! Vamp hits a slam and goes up top again. DROPKICK... no, Sting swats him away! Sting moves in... SCORPION DEATH DROP! SCORPION DEATH LOCK!!! Stick a fork in Vamp, he's DONE! Call me crazy but I think they were going for the Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels spot at the end where the guy tries a dropkick off the ropes and gets caught in a Sharpshooter. C'mon, you know the one!

Your winner, advancing to the finals: Sting (match time: 5:57)

Mean Gene's backstage with DDP and... Kim's left boob! WOO HOO! I SEE HER BRA!! Jarrett's gonna feel the bang or whatever. Keep dreaming, DDP.

3 COUNT is coming to the ring for some reason... well, there's actually just two of them (Evan is missing), so I guess it's just 2 COUNT. They start singing their song as Madden FINALLY points out that their "going down for the 3 Count" line can be taken a couple ways. A few girls in the crowd are shown close-up and one girl actually KNOWS THE WORDS! How scary is that? The song ends and they go into it AGAIN... where's Sid when you need him? Wait, here comes some guys... I guess this is the Cruiserweight match!

SUICIDE 6-MAN MATCH for the vacant WCW Cruiserweight championship - I see THE ARTIST heading down as LASH LEROUX and CROWBAR attack the 3 Count members. Prince rolls up Crowbar for a 1 count. JUVI JUICE is in. There's SKIP CANDIDO. Candido ends up alone in the ring with a 3 Count member. Crowbar breaks up a pin attempt. This is like a "first pinfall wins" match, I guess. Figures. Lash breaks up a Crowbar pin on Candido. Lash hits his finisher on Crowbar! 1, 2, Prince breaks it up. Now Juvi and Lash are in. Lash tries his finisher on Juvi, but Juvi escapes... JUVI DRIVER!!! The Artist runs in and nails Juvi. Juvi hits a bulldog. Candido gets suplexed by Lash on the floor. DAFFNEY climbs the top rope as Crowbar holds Juvi. Juvi moves and Daffney hits a Frankensteiner on Crowbar! Juvi runs in on Daffney and she screams to keep him back. He kicks Daffney in the gut! Crowbar breaks up a Juvi Driver attempt! Daffney gets knocked into Crowbar and they both end up on the floor. Lash dives out onto Crowbar! Daffney goes down, too! The Artist leaps onto Crowbar AND Lash! Juvi jumps on all 3 guys! Shane Helms backdrops Moore onto the pile. DAVID FLAIR is in with a shot on Helms. The Artist crotches Chris Candido on the top rope. Artist tries a superplex and gets thrown off. He tries again and gets dropped once more! Candido goes up... HEADBUTT MISSES! Prince hits a Torture Rack Samoan Drop! PAISLEY slides a chair into the ring. The Artist climbs the ropes... oh boy, SKANKY has finally arrived! She throws the Artist off and then pushes Candido on top of him! 1, 2, 3!! Tammy enters the ring... she's got a sheer robe on with what looks like a bathing suit on underneath. Madden mentions that she used to be "Sunny". She thankfully appears to have lost a few chins... but DAMN, she used to be so much hotter. It's almost painful to see her now. Paisley comes up behind Tammy and spins her around. CATFIGHT!!! Yikes, it seems Tammy's chins went to her sides and her ass. They get pulled apart and each does a testicular claw on somebody, then they rush each other again. Candido pulls Tammy out and they escape.

Your winner and new WCW Cruiserweight champion: Chris Candido (match time: 5:14)

Quick question... if Madden can say that Tammy was once Sunny, and Sean Stasiak can be identified as "Meat" on Nitro, why didn't they ever say that Big T was Ahmed Johnson? You KNOW they wanted to! And while I'm asking questions, how is WCW using that slightly altered Mr. Perfect theme music? Is it not the WWF's?

Next month... it's Spamboree! ORDER NOW TO BEAT THE RUSH!

Gene's backstage with... HERE WE GO! Jeff Jarrett! DDP's in trouble, Gene's an old man, and Jarrett breaks in "geritol slap ass". I smell a new t-shirt!

TEAM PACKAGE (with Lizbit) vs. BUFFY & THE DEAN for the vacant WCW World Tag Team Championship - Lex gets MORE pyro as he heads down. MAN, Liz looks good. Flair enters separately, with music and pyro, still in his street clothes. Buff heads out on his own... SERIOUSLY, does ANYBODY give two shits about Buff Bagwell? Douglas enters and he's not alone... a new female valet? Close. IRON MAN follows the team to ringside and joins the broadcast team. Wow, I think the last time I heard Russo doing lengthy talking on TV, he was arguing with Todd Pettingill and talking about Hector Garza being the next Rey Mysterio Jr. The bell sounds! We're underway! Buff and Lex start things off. Buff wants a handshake... Lex agrees, then kicks Buff in the gut. Lex charges Buff and eats a boot to the face! Buff hits a slam and does his dance. He turns and Lex poses and dances! Ha! Luger with a clothesline! Buff gets slammed! Buff goes to the eyes and makes the tag. Douglas hammers Luger. Luger reverses a whip and catches Shane in a gorilla press! Flair dumps Douglas outside and gets the tag. Flair takes it to Shane on the floor! Douglas gets rolled back in and Flair attacks. Shane goes to the eyes and tags Buff. Buff whips Flair to a corner and backdrops him. Madden talks about Flair ducking Shane for 7 years and Tony lets a "bullshit" fly. I can't take this profanity! I'm THIS CLOSE to quitting! Shane's back in to work over Flair. Luger tries to come in and Flair gets double teamed. Tag to Buff. Flair gets hammered in a corner. Tag to Douglas. Shane pulls Flair up... Flair fights back! Douglas hits the ropes and they collide! Both men are down. A slight "boring" chant rings out. Douglas whips Flair to a corner... FLAIR FLIP! No, Ric didn't make it to the apron and sort of crashed down in the ring. Douglas sets Flair for the 10 punches of doom and lets out an audible "FUCK YOU, FLAIR!" as he does. Another corner whip... FULL FLAIR FLIP! Douglas knocks Flair off the apron and Luger clotheslines Douglas. Flair rolls back in. Douglas tags Buff! Flair makes the tag! Luger mows down Buff! Down goes Shane! Double noggin knocker! Flair's got the FIGURE FOUR on Douglas! Vince leaves the table... it's RUSSO TO THE RESCUE!!! Buff breaks up the figure four. Douglas holds Flair as Buff goes to the ropes. BUFF BLOCKBUSTER... Flair moves! Buff hits the move Douglas!! Flair makes a cover! 1, 2, Russo pulls the ref out and they exchange shoves. ORIGINALITY, BABY! Luger works over Buff inside the ring. Here's A PAIR OF BRIANS in from the stands. It's Wrath and Crush! And NOBODY CARES! They hit a double chokeslam on Luger as Russo pulls the ref shirt off Nick Patrick. Buff covers Lex. Russo hardly has the shirt on, but he counts. 1, 2, 3! Russo holds the belts over his head before finally agreeing to, you know, let the WRESTLERS have them. So is Buff more like Ricky Steamboat, or is Douglas more like Scorpio, the Patriot, and/or Scotty Riggs?

Your winners and new WCW World Tag Team Champions: Buff Bagwell & Shane Douglas (match time: 8:31)

We quickly jump back to Mean Gene, who's now with Scott Steiner. The fact that Steiner is "new blood" is almost a big a joke as Shane Douglas being included. Sting's going down!

SCOTT STEINER vs. ACTOR/WRESTLER STEVE BORDEN for the vacant WCW United States Championship - Madden lets out "bullshit" a time or two as Steiner enters. They're so EDGY!

Now Gene's talking with Sting. This is WAR and Steiner will be the first casualty! And it's showtime!

Sting's music starts up and a big light show with video wall lightening treatment plays. Odd treatment for guys who weren't getting music and pyro just under a week ago, no? Sting climbs in and, after some posing, we're underway! Steiner gets into it with some fans. HERE we go now! Steiner hammers Sting into a corner and beats him down. Sting ducks a clothesline and hits a dropkick. Scott rolls outside and calls for a time out. Sting leaps over the top rope onto him!! Steiner gets rolled back in as Sting goes up top! FLYING SPLASH... but Steiner raises his knees! Gorilla Press on Sting. Steiner yells at a new fan now. What's scary is that he REALLY looks like he's a second away from snapping and attacking somebody. A clothesline gets a 2 count and Steiner pushes around the ref. Steiner hits a suplex and then hops outside to get in somebody's face. Scott sets Sting on the top rope... Sting knocks Steiner off! Running clothesline by Sting! And another! Sting backs up... STINGER SPLASH!! ANOTHER STINGER SPLASH!! But Steiner pulled the ref in the way! The ref is down! Sting hits a THIRD STINGER SPLASH!! He tries a fourth... it's VAMPIRO from under the ring!! He's got Sting by the legs! Steiner runs over and gets caught with a boot. Vamp pulls Sting down under the ring. To FURTHER rip this off from Undertaker/Diesel circa-1996, the announcers say "he pulled him straight to hell!" ad nauseam. Sting re-appears knocked out with some fake blood on the side of his mouth. STEINER RECLINER! The ref calls for the bell! Replays show us the finish. For the second straight year, Scott Steiner wins the finals of a US title tourney at Spring Stampede. Hey, Scott! You've done NOTHING for an entire year! Way to go, man!

Your winner and new United States champion: Scott Steiner (match time: 5:32 )

We're taken back to our hosts, who are BLOWN AWAY by all the shocks and surprises! Tony really is looking slimmer. Scott Hudson says "ass".

Hey, a world title match graphic! WCW spares NO expense!

A video package shows us the history of the DDP/Jarrett feud, which has gone on for an incredible SIX DAYS!

SUPREME RULER OF THE EARTH JEFF JARRETT (with 6-string) vs. KIMBERLY'S HUSBAND (with Kimberly) for the vacant WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Jarrett is shown walking all the way from his dressing room. So are the nWhos no more? Alas, poor Midajah. I hardly knew ye. Jeff reaches the ring and gets his pyro treatment. What, no Michael Buffer? DDP's music fires up and he, too, gets the long walk. Am I crazy or does Kimberly look even better now than she did a few months ago? DDP enters the arena to a mild ovation. He gets pyro, too. DDP heads inside and we're ready to go! DDP knocks Jarrett down with some punches. A spinning clothesline does it again! Reverse atomic drop! DDT by DDP! 1, 2, kickout! Jarrett slides outside. DDP springs over the top and lands on him!! Page holds Jarrett and Kimberly slaps Jeff in the face! They brawl up into the crowd. Thanks to the crack WCW production crew, watching them is like playing Where's Waldo. "DDP" chant fires up. Page breaks a crutch on Jarrett. They FINALLY get a camera over to them as Jarrett smashes a trash can on DDP's back. They head back towards ringside. Page throws Jeff over the railing to the mats. Jarrett pulls Kim in front and nails Page when he moves her. DDP fights back and throws Jarrett inside. Sunset flip by DDP! Jarrett grabs the ropes! Page hits the flip anyway! 1, 2, kickout! Kim watches on. DDP goes up top... Jarrett crotches him! Jeff climbs up to meet him. SUPERPLEX!!! Jarrett goes outside and grabs a chair. He CRACKS Page across the back! And AGAIN! The ref steps in and prevents a third shot. Jarrett stomps DDP's back. BIG corner whip! DDP bounces off! Kim leans in to watch the action. I lean in to watch Kim lean in. Jarrett to the second rope! Double axhandle to the back! Jeff goes for a whip and gets an elbow to the chops. Page fires back! He blocks a punch and nails Jarrett! SITTING POWERBOMB BY PAGE! 1, 2, kickout! Here's THE BISCH in the aisle. A DDP clothesline takes both guys to the floor. Jarrett grabs a plastic tray from a fan and nails Page with it. DDP goes into the railing! Jarrett grabs a copy of DDP's book from a fan and tears it up! HA! Page gets rolled back inside and Jarrett pulls his legs towards the ringpost and crotches him! Kim grabs Jeff by the hair and he shoves her off. Jarrett tries another crotching and Page pulls him into the ringpost. Jeff recovers first and goes back to work on DDP. Page fires back! He slides outside and pulls Jarrett's legs to the ringpost! Jeff gets crotched! DDP tries a Diamond Cutter... Jarrett grabs the ropes! The ref got hurt somehow. Jarrett grabs the title belt and NAILS Page! Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Eric approaches the ring. FIGURE FOUR ON DDP!!! Kimberly has Jarrett's guitar at ringside. DDP tries to reverse it... but he can't! Page escapes a few pin counts. DDP tries reversing again... he gets to the ropes! Jarrett breaks and tries for the Figure Four again... SMALL PACKAGE!! 1, 2, kickout!! Jarrett yells at the ref and DDP rolls him up! 1, 2, kickout! Jeff hits a jawbreaker! Jarrett off the second rope... Page catches him! ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, kickout! Kimberly's cleavage looks worried. SLEEPER BY JARRETT! DDP starts to fade... and then he fights back up. Bischoff climbs onto the apron. DDP hooks on a sleeper and turns it into a spinning slam! Bischoff grabs the referee and starts wrestling with him. Kimberly climbs onto the apron with the guitar. DDP grabs Jarrett... DIAMOND CUTTER! Kim climbs inside as Page pulls Jeff up. Kim nails DDP with the guitar!!! Jarrett... HITS THE STROKE!!! OH MY GOD!!! THE REF TURNS AROUND!! 1, 2, 3!!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! JARRETT WINS THE WORLD TITLE!!! Bischoff looks on with a grin from the apron. We get a GREAT cleavage shot of Kimberly. Kim comes back inside the ring and hugs Bischoff. Yeah, HE needs another valet. Here's IRON MAN and various other nBo members. Russo hugs Kimberly. That's right, who cares if her turn doesn't make sense... RUSSO GETS TO TOUCH HER! Buff and Douglas lift Jarrett onto their shoulders! YES! JARRETT WINS! JARRETT WINS! JARRETT WINS!!! We fade out! Watch Nitro!

Your winner and new WCW World Heavyweight Champion: Jeff Jarrett (match time: 15:02 )

Final Thought:

RUSSO AND BISCHOFF ARE GODS!!! ALL HAIL THE NEW WCW!!!

Alright, things aren't that great in Turner-land just yet. Ripping off the WrestleMania finish, only having it make even LESS sense, wasn't that great an idea... but screw it! JARRETT WINS! JARRETT WINS! And a Kim heel turn is sure to mean she'll be all trampy and easy now. Right? Right?!

The rest of the show was decent enough. The constant screwjobs and whatnot are getting slightly annoying, but for one show I'm willing to let it slide. It was a SMALL thumbs-up up to the Jarrett win, which pushed it WELL over the line. Big props from me this month! Let's just hope and pray that Double J keeps the belt past Monday's Nitro. I'll see you back at Slamboree!