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Chris Jones



Greetings, people!

As promised, it's Starrcade! And not several weeks late! Let's skip the chatter and jump right in.

Actually, first let me get this note out of the way. I've been having e-mail trouble here lately, so if you sent something to me it's possible that it never arrived. I usually answer all my e-mail, so if you're wondering why you didn't get a response... this is probably why. If it was important or if you just really wanted to tell me that I suck, resend it when you get a chance.

WCW logo - Happy Chanukah

The opening video package hypes Sid/Steiner and Luger/Goldberg.

We fade into the arena where we are LIVE from the MCI Center in Washington D.C.! Cheering! Pyro! Aw man, Scott Hudson is on the broadcast team? Where's Stevie Ray? Suckas gots ta know!

Wait a minute... Eddie Guerrero's old music is playing! Why, it's CHAVO JUNIOR on his way out, Cruiserweight title belt in hand.

3 COUNT VS. THE JUNG DRAGONS (with Leia Meow) VS. THE NORTH CAROLINA GANGSTA PARTY in a ladder match - Hanging above the ring is a contract for a title match with Chavo, who joins the broadcast team. The rub is that only one person can grab the contract. Why not make it for a TAG title shot? 3 Count enters to some clips of recent action. Jamie and Evan head down past the ladders in the aisle. Kimona comes out in a dominatrix outfit... and the Dragons are there too, yep. We're ready to go! Shannon Moore and Kaz start off. They exchange takedowns. Kaz hits the ropes and... well, they collide and both guys stay down for a minute. Shannon eventually hooks on an armbar and Kaz fights up. Frankensteiner by Kaz! They blow another spot and Shannon runs out for the ladders. Evan cuts him off and throws Shannon back in. Tag to Yang. Tag to Sugar Shane. Shane runs out towards the ladders and everybody runs out to stop him. A brawl breaks out... wait, Shannon pulls a ladder from UNDER the ring! 3 Count goes up... the Dragons run in and tip it over! They clothesline 3 Count to the floor. The Dragons climb... Jamie and Evan break that up. They grab the ladder, but Yang dropkicks it into them! Kaz with a Lionsault, I assume, onto the ladder that's on Jamie and Evan. I say "I assume" because we didn't see it. A ladder gets set horizontally over the middle rope against a corner. Shane gets a drop toehold onto it, looking like another blown spot as he lands roughly and knocks the ladder to the floor. Jamie and Evan flapjack Kaz onto another ladder. Jamie goes up for the contract... Evan pulls him down and Evan goes up. Jamie pulls him down and they exchange shoves. Here comes Yang off the top with a dropkick! He nails Jamie who knocks Evan to the floor! Yang sets a ladder against a corner and he whips Jamie into it. Another ladder has ended up horizontally against the middle rope. Shannon runs in and Yang puts him on that ladder, but Shannon comes off with a cross body... no, Yang turns it into a gut buster! Yang goes onto the ladder... corkscrew moonsault! He landed on Shannon's legs, but it was still cool. Kimona watches on. Shane nails Yang from behind and throws him to the floor. Now we have the "everybody jumps over the top onto the pile" spot that would be much better if they didn't do it EVERY match. Jamie, though, goes for the contract instead! He's a GENIUS! Yang runs in and tips over the ladder... and Jamie lands on the pile anyway! Yang takes a ladder and places it horizontally between the top rope and the middle of a standing ladder, creating a platform of sorts. Evan comes in and hits a back suplex off the ladder on Yang. Evan climbs onto the platform. Kaz springboards at him.. Evan catches Kaz in a powerslam to the mat! YES! Shannon goes onto the platform and jumps off with a kick to Evan's head. I think he was going for a Rocker Dropper, actually. Jamie climbs onto the platform, as does Shane. Shane hits a neckbreaker off the platform! The Dragons destroy the ladder setup and Shannon sets two ladders up side by side. He and Yang climb up on side... Shane and Jamie climb up the other. Punches are thrown all around. Jamie does a sunset flip powerbomb on Shane! Yang and Shannon sit on top of their ladders and brawl. Now they're climbing down... okay. Shannon carefully hits a sleeper-slam on Yang from a few rungs down. Kimona can't believe it! Evan brings in another ladder as Jamie goes up for the contract. Kimona pulls him down! She whips him with her... uh... riding crop until Evan chases her off. Another ladder is slid in, making it 4 total. Evan leans one ladder against a corner and gives Kaz a backbreaker in front of it. Evan climbs the leaning ladder... but Yang stops him! The Dragons hit a... I don't even know what! A double flipping powerbomb of sorts. Now the Dragons put together another platform with one ladder being put horizontally through standing ladders. 3 Count runs Kaz into the structure and it almost falls apart. They carefully ram Yang into it... then they climb up. Jamie and Evan cut them off. TOMBSTONE on Shannon! Evan stomps Shane. Jamie climbs up onto the platform. Kaz climbs another way and kicks Jamie off! Evan climbs up and shoves Kaz off to the mat! Yang goes up and kicks Evan onto the ropes, where he springs off to the floor! Shane and Yang stand atop the platform. Shannon hits a skin-the-cat head scissors on Yang, flipping him off to the mat! YES! Shannon skins the cat again to end up on the platform. Jamie climbs up and Shane throws him off! 3 Count stands up... they hold hands and grab the contract together! What? Chavo protests on commentary as only one guy was supposed to win. Replays show us the finish.

Your winner(s): 3 Count (match time: 13:51)

Hacksaw Jim Duggan is backstage polishing his 2x4. Lance Storm enters and tells Hacksaw that the American fans will never take him back. And even if they did, the office was set to cut Jim before he joined Team Canada. Lance hands Hacksaw his Canadian flag windbreaker and walks off. Hacksaw looks perturbed.

Mike Sanders heads to his office and is met by Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers. Jeff doesn't want a Filthy Animals street fight, he wants a bunkhouse match. Is there really a difference? Sanders says he can't change the advertised stipulation, so Jeff suggests a Filthy Animals street fight / bunkhouse match. Mike says that'll work.

Kronik sits in the steam room, all sweaty, wearing nothing but towels. Why, one can almost taste the homosexual undertones. Wrath tells their mysterious... uh... beating purchaser that they'll take care of business. Adams says they'll make an exception from their normal policy of getting cash up front. Did he just say "I'm baked"?

CANADIAN LANCE STORM (with Not Canadian Elix Skipper and Not Canadian Major Gunns) vs. THE KAT (with Ms. Jones - no relation) - Team Canada enters to some clips of Hacksaw screwing up during the past few shows. Lance has the stick! "If I can be serious for a minute... I demand your undivided respectful attention!" Boos. "I think it appropriate, being in your nation's capital, that I congratulate you on taking 37 days to do what Canada did in 1: finalize your federal election. While America was laughing at me for singing on Thunder last week, the rest of the world was laughing at you and your pathetic attempt at a democracy. Because the truth is, the man with the most votes LOST. So Cat, tonight we'll see who laughs last, because Team Canada stands as one. And tonight we will win. Show us some respect and rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem." The music plays and get THIS... the opponent's music cuts it off! The Cat and Ms. Jones groove down the aisle. Cat's got a stick! "Okay, cut that music off, cut it off! You know what, Lance Storm? You think Canada is so great, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna represent the US of A and I'm gonna kick yo' ass! And I want you to pack all your little clothes and I'll tell you want, I don't want you to leave alone. I want you to take big fat nasty-ass Mark Madden with you! So what I'm gonna do now, I know what these people here came here to see, they came to see one thing. Now hit my music!" Cat storms the ring and Team Canada takes a powder. Cat and Ms. Jones get funky. Cat's got his red ruby slippers on already... well, actually, he kicks them off and puts them in his corner. Lance stalls on the outside as the crowd chants "USA". The announcers say Cat cost Storm the US title back at Mayhem. Uh, I don't remember that. Lance eventually enters and we're underway! Wait, first we see that Major Gunns is watching. Lance shoves Cat and talks some trash. Cat shoves him back! A lock-up sees a break against the ropes. Cat hits an armdrag and poses on one knee. Storm goes to the arm and Cat floors him with some kicks. Lance slides under the Cat's feet on a whip. Gunns grabs Cat's ankle! Lance nails the Cat from behind and Jones goes after Gunns on the floor! Storm rolls outside to keep them apart and Cat follows, leaving the girls free to go inside the ring! Lance goes back inside and keeps Major Gunns back to a round of boos. We get some good camera work of Major Gunns straddling the ropes in her little shorts. The ladies finally go to the floor and Lance attacks Cat from behind again. A clothesline takes the Cat down. Cat fights up but a jawbreaker stops him. The ladies watch on. Lance tries a suplex and Cat counters with a small package! 1, 2, kickout! Storm clotheslines the Cat back down for a 2 count. Lance puts on a reverse chinlock. The Cat fights up to his feet... he breaks free and Lance goes to the eyes. Storm tries a corner whip and eats a boot. Cat with kick to the nuts! Splits and an uppercut! He calls for his finisher... but Elix Skipper jumps on the apron and nails him! Elix drags the Cat to the floor while Storm distracts the ref. Cat fires back with a water bottle but Lance slides out and nails him from behind. Cat gets whipped into the railing repeatedly. Ms. Jones tries to kick Lance in the head and hits the ref by mistake! Major Gunns with a DROPKICK to Jones' back! Gunns tries to whip Jones to the railing and it's reversed on her! Ms. Jones checks on the referee while Elix rolls Cat inside the ring. Storm hits a springboard dropkick! Cover... the ref is still outside. Elix rolls the ref in, but Lance has risen up. Cat fights back and takes Lance down with kicks. 1, 2, kickout! Lance reverses a whip and hits a northern lights suplex! 1, 2, kickout! The fans make some noise... HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN is out. Cat stands over Storm while the ref is distracted. Hacksaw is in. He... he... he drops the 2x4 but clotheslines Cat from behind! Lance rolls through into the half-crab! Duggan is back outside and the ref turns to see the Cat tap out! Hacksaw looks upset but he joins Team Canada in the ring for a celebration. And Lance attacks him! Storm and Elix beat Hacksaw down. Cat makes the save and THROWS Lance over the top rope! Jeez! Cat puts on his red slippers but fails to get funky. Tony says something about a special interviewer working tonight.

Your winner: Lance Storm (match time: 7:25)

An ambulance is pulling in backstage for tonight's ambulance match. Say, that's Mike Awesome driving!

The special interviewer is... BUFF BAGWELL? Ah... ah... ah-hahahahahaha!!! Buff talks with the Filthy Animals, who aren't concerned about the Bunkhouse match stip being added. Konnan says Jarrett can stick the guitars up his ass and THEY BEEP OUT "ASS". On a PAY-PER-VIEW?!

Vito, Reno, and Marie walk down a hall. This angle... I... I don't know where to start. But Marie has quite the rack, woo woo! The Thrillers interrupt them and harass Reno.

CROWBAR (with Daffney) VS. TERRY FUNK for the WCW Hardcore Championship - Crowbar and Daffney are having a conversation backstage. Daffney, sounding like she was just sucking down helium, tells Crowbar that the 70's gimmick is making him soft. Crowbar disagrees and walks off... only to be met by Funk and a fire extinguisher! Here we go! Terry rams Crowbar's head into the side of some trucks backstage. Cover! 1, 2, kickout. Daffney screams. Crowbar gets tossed into a pile of cardboard and then Terry puts him onto a rolling equipment box. Tony points out that Funk's first retirement match was in 1983, the year of the first Starrcade. Funk tosses Crowbar up into the back of one of the trucks. As Terry climbs in himself, Crowbar nails him with a... a bumper? The "bumper" breaks right in half on the second shot. Crowbar bounces Terry off the inner sides of the truck and then dumps a bunch of boxes down on him. Funk escapes a pin attempt at 2. Crowbar chops Funk repeatedly. He tries knocking Terry out of the truck... Funk teeters! Crowbar gets a running start and Terry hiptosses him out and THROUGH A TABLE! Daffney keeps screaming and Terry chases her off. Funk grabs a car door that just happens to be there. Crowbar fights back and thumps Funk with the door several times. They come across an actual door and Crowbar slams Funk's head inside! Daffney screams. Crowbar asks her for a pair of handcuffs and Terry fights back. Now Crowbar gets his head slammed in the door... repeatedly! Terry grabs the handcuffs, which have about a foot of chain on them, and cuffs Crowbar's hands. Terry's got a chair... he nails Crowbar in the head! And again! Ugh, this stuff isn't cool. Crowbar takes another shot to the head and Terry begins dragging him and the car door out into the arena. Scott Hudson actually claims Crowbar is defenseless, despite Crowbar having his hands in front of him and the cuffs having more than enough chain for him to fight back. Terry beats Crowbar up the aisle with the car door. Funk slides the door inside the ring and picks up a chair. There's another shot to the head. Daffney screams. Another head shot to Crowbar. Terry pulls a table out from under the ring. He rams Crowbar into it and then places him on the table. Funk goes to the apron... Daffney pulls Crowbar off the table before the moonsault. Funk goes after Daffney! Crowbar nails Terry with a chair! A head shot takes Funk down. Crowbar chokes Funk with the handcuff chain and now Terry's on the table. Crowbar goes inside the ring and jumps over the top, putting Terry through the table!! 1, 2, kickout! They roll into the ring and Daffney grabs a chair. She throws it into Terry's head! Crowbar covers. 1, 2, kickout! Daffney keeps screaming. Now I remember why I never liked her much. Funk nails Crowbar in the gut with a chair. There's another chairshot to the head. Funk hits a PILEDRIVER on the car door! Funk crawls over and covers. 1, 2, 3! Funk uses the ref to pull himself up. Replays show us some of the action.

Your winner and new Hardcore champion: Terry Funk (match time: 10:21)

OBSCENE GENE stands by with Team Canada, demanding to know why they attacked Hacksaw. Storm says he knew a month ago that Duggan was worthless, so they used him one last time and dumped him. Major Gunns has all of one line, "don't blame Canada, blame yourself", and she screws it up. Gene tells Gunns that later on he'll let her fly the Canadian flag on another pole, wink wink. I love Gene.

Lex Luger unpacks his bag and admires a pair of brass knuckles.

MARIO & LUIGI (with Marie-uh) VS. THE APA - Okay, let me see if I've got this straight. Vito had a sister named Maria, who seemed to have once been dating Vito's hated rival Reno, but it turns out that Reno and Vito are BROTHERS, Maria is actually "Marie", and somebody's been paying Kronik to beat the family up. So... WAS Marie dating her brother Reno? Why does she have a new name? Or are Maria and Marie perhaps twin sisters? Why does Reno look so un-Italian compared to his siblings? Was he adopted? Was Reno ever a mob hitman like his brother? Where's Johnny da Bull? Did Disco ever pay off his debts? And what does Tony Marinara's father think about all this? If you know the answers to these questions, feel free to fill me in. Vito and Reno make their way down as we see clips of Kronik attacking Reno and Vito making the save. Wow, Marie does have quite the rack. Kronik hits the ring and Adams takes the stick. "All right, everybody knows that Kronik's all about breakin' necks and cashin' checks, and that's what we were hired to do tonight. And when we're done, we expect payment in full. You understand that, little sister?" Marie gives us "innocence". Kronik works over Reno as Hudson suggests that Marie paying Kronik is the story of the year. Remember the 5 minutes when everyone thought Hudson was such a breath of fresh air on the announce team? Vito is in to make the save. Reno dropkicks Adams to the floor, leaving Vito in with Wrath. Vito tags out and then hits a neckbreaker. Reno covers for 2. Reno tags out and Vito comes in with a double axhandle. Wrath reverses a whip and hits a kick to the gut. Double underhook suplex on Vito! 1, 2, kickout. Wrath chops Vito against a corner, but a corner charge fails. Vito hits a superkick on Wrath as Adams approaches Marie on the floor. Vito comes out behind him and tries to attack. Adams holds Vito as Wrath comes off the apron with a forward roll! Wrath legsweeps Vito into the railing as Marie tells Adams she doesn't know what he's talking about. Wrath works Vito over with a chair, but we don't see it. Reno comes over and the ref tells him to get back in his corner. So the chair attack was okay, but Reno can't come over? Back in the ring, Adams works over Vito. Vito tries a sunset flip.. Adams misses a punch to break it up. Big clothesline on Adams! 1, 2, kickout! Adams reverses a whip and hits the full nelson slam! 1, 2, Reno breaks it up. Tag to Wrath. Kronik hits a double team shoulderblock. A belly to back suplex gets Wrath a 2 count. He puts a chinlock on Vito. Hold the phones... out comes JOB SQUAD 2000 to the top of the ramp. Vito breaks free of the chinlock and inches towards his corner, but Adams comes in and drags Vito all the way back to Kronik's corner. Reno tries coming in and the ref is all up in his face. This is SO stupid. Kronik double teams Vito and Adams hits a dropkick. Wrath gets the tag and they try a double clothesline, but Vito ducks! He tries a double DDT and they launch him off... Vito lands on his feet. He tries a double clothesline of his own and both guys catch him with a big boot. Wrath pulls Vito up and Vito starts fighting back. They hit the ropes and both guys try body blocks and end up crashing together. Both men are down! Adams gets the tag... Vito makes the tag! Reno is in... and he hits his finisher on Vito. Reno covers Vito and Kronik tells the ref to count. 1, 2, 3. Marie comes inside to check on Vito as Reno tosses Adams a plastic bag. What's in it? Money or pot? Reno hugs the Thrillers in the entrance as Wrath gives the Meltdown to Vito. Marie kneels down by Vito and Kronik pulls him back up for a High Times.

So Reno was behind his OWN beatings? Oy.

Your winner: The fans (match time: 8:19)

A word or two about that tag match, if I may. It looks so bush league, for lack of a better term, when they try the standard "face partner tries to help, ref stops him, heels double team" bit and half-ass it. That's one of the most basic formulas in wrestling and they can't pull it off. The most glaring example being when Vito tried tagging out and Adams came in, stomped him, and drug Vito back to the Kronik corner. The ref stood there and watched Adams come in illegally, but the second Reno came in the ref rushed at him all gung-ho so that his back was turned. What does it matter if his back is turned when he's doing nothing as the heels cheat right in front of his face? And since the heels are cheating right in front of his face, what possible reason does the ref have for getting in Reno's way to stop HIM from doing it? Go all the way with it and make sure the ref sees nothing or don't do that bit at all, but half-assing it makes the whole thing seem so phony. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Mean Gene stands by with 3 Count and asks them which one will face Chavo for the Cruiserweight title. They think they both should get the shot. And here comes Chavo! He mistakes 3 Count for the guys who painted his house... then he lays them out! Gene calls for security.

Now Buff is joined by the remaining Misfits. Buff asks about what we saw with Chavo and Hugh dodges the question to shout about Shane Douglas.

BAM BAM BIGELOW VS. POOR MIKE AWESOME in an Ambulance match - Bam Bam enters to clips detailing the feud. Out comes Mike in full 70's gear. He waves out the ambulance and strips out of his duds, which the announcers make a big deal over like he's bailing on the gimmick to become the "career killer" again. 1) Why is losing the 70's clothes important when I can't remember ever seeing Mike wrestle a match in them, and 2) who's career did he kill to earn that name, anyway? Awesome rushes the ring and here we go! Bam Bam hammers him and hits a corner avalanche. Bam Bam whips Mike to the other side and Mike hops up the ropes... awesome back elbow! Awesome clothesline to the floor! Mike follows him out and they brawl. Awesome eats the railing. Bam Bam lifts Mike up and rams him into the ringpost. Awesome grabs the bell and nails Bammer with it. Now Mike has a chair. He cracks it across Bam Bam's back! Bammer throws a drink in Awesome's face and returns the chairshot. Bam Bam heads up the aisle and sets up the chair, then he rams Mike's face into it. Awesome blocks a chairshot and they brawl up the aisle. Bam Bam bounces off the hood of the ambulance. Mike drags him to the other side and runs him into the back. "He's goin' in!" Mike tries to stuff Bammer in, but Bam Bam slams the door on him. Now Bam Bam runs Awesome into the back of the ambulance. Bam Bam punches right through the window! They brawl back into the aisle and a big "boring" chant fires up. Bam Bam gets in a chair shot and Awesome rolls back inside the ring. Bammer comes in and hits a DDT! They go back outside and Bam Bam pulls the ring steps out a few feet. Mike reverses a whip and Bam Bam slides into the steps, which slide back easily on the mats since Bam Bam pulled them out. Bammer's arm is bloody from the window shot. Mike pulls out a table and leans it against the ring apron. He drags Bam Bam over to it and tries to knock him backwards onto the table. Bam Bam teeters and Mike gets a running start... Bam Bam tosses him through the table! Mike wasn't watching the Crowbar match earlier, I guess. Bam Bam drags Awesome back towards the ambulance. He sets Mike onto the hood and climbs up with him. Off come the sirens. Bam Bam jumps onto the top and pulls off a chunk of metal. Mike fights back and grabs the remains of the sirens. He nails Bam Bam, who falls back. Mike celebrates and the bell rings. What? Bam Bam fell THROUGH the top of the ambulance, they're saying. Oh, come ON. Replays show us nothing. They couldn't be bothered to get a decent angle of it?

Your winner: Mike Awesome (match time: 8:35)

Gene stands with the Thrillers and demands answers from Reno. Reno says the Thrillers are his family. They switch focus to the tag title match and Palumbo cuts an... I don't even know, some sort of promo that he bails on mid-way through. Stasiak takes over and works in "cakeholes" and a "note to self". They tell Gene they have a surprise for him and then just push him out of the way as they leave. Gene: "Ahh, I gotta tell you somethin'. That guy there especially... that little wise-ass, I'm gonna slap that crap outta him one of these days!"

HUGE ERECTION VS. DEAN DOUGLAS for the WCW United States Championship - Shane enters to clips of his run-ins with Hugh. I guess Torrie really is gone. Shane's got the stick! "Cut the damn music! Even low IQ morons like you can see something's missing from my side." Boos. "I've taken 20 years of my life to be the best this sport has to offer up and people like you don't show me the respect I deserve. Now General Rection, Hugh Morrus, you're responsible for that beautiful woman missing by my side tonight! So I promise all of you idiots that your ticket will be paid for, because of what he did to my girl, I promise you tonight it won't take 36 days for them to figure out who has won this contest. Because tonight, the Franchise puts a hole right in Rection's heart and in front of all you Washington D.C. moron's, I take his title away!" Cue the MIA theme! Hugh makes his way down and goes right after Shane, who ducks out between the ropes. Hugh turns his back and Shane rushes him! He chokes Hugh down and puts the boots to him. Shane unloads some chops but Hugh no-sells everything. Hugh unloads some chops of his own and Shane goes to the eyes. Douglas hits the ropes. Hugh nails him with a clothesline. Hugh charges and almost hits the ref, but puts on the breaks. A second charge squashes Shane, who falls out to the floor. Hugh follows him and they brawl. Douglas eats the broadcast table and Hugh rolls him back in. As Hugh comes in Douglas raises the ropes to catch him low! Douglas kicks low and Hugh no-sells it. More low blows get no reaction. Shane comes off the ropes with a right hand but Hugh CAN'T BE STOPPED. The fans respond with "boring" chants. Shane comes off the ropes into a bear hug. He tries fighting out and eventually bites his way free. He comes off the ropes and gets caught in another bear hug. Hugh lowers him to the mat shoulders first and Shane kicks out of a pin attempt. Hugh pulls him back up into the bear hug. The arm drops once... twice... but not three! No, sir! Douglas pulls the hair and tries a slam, but Hugh lands on top of him. 1, 2, kickout! Hugh hits a slam of his own and goes up top for the moonsault... but Shane crotches him and Hugh falls back into the ring. Shane hits a reverse snap mare. He pulls Hugh up into a piledriver! He pulls Hugh up again... swinging neckbreaker! Shane jaws at the crowd and then makes a cover. 1, 2, kickout. Douglas puts on a neck vice. Hugh starts fighting up... he breaks free but Douglas takes him down with a clothesline. Hugh reverses a whip... gorilla press slam! Douglas rolls outside and Hugh follows him. He rams Shane's head into the apron a few times, then whips him into the railing. He scoops Shane up for a slam and Shane's head bounces off the ringpost. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not. Shane looks like he's busted open, regardless. They go back inside and Hugh unloads with punches. He slams Douglas and goes up for the moonsault. He leaps... Shane moves! Douglas pulls a chain out of his tights. Hugh ducks a punch and hits a back suplex. The chain has been knocked free. Here's CHAVO JUNIOR running down. He grabs the chain and jumps onto the apron, tying up the referee... but he tosses the chain to Douglas! Shane wraps it around his hand and moves towards Hugh, but the ref grabs Shane's arm... and calls for the BELL? Oh, whatEVER. Douglas nails Hugh anyway and punches him repeatedly with the chain. Chavo comes in and pulls Shane off, so Shane decks Chavo. Wasn't Chavo helping Shane? Douglas pulls Hugh up and gives him a Franchiser. And there's a Franchiser on Chavo. The rest of MIA runs out and Douglas escapes. Lash attends to Chavo while Wall checks on Hugh. Hugh has some harsh words for Chavo.

Your winner by DQ: General Rection (match time: 9:47)

Mean Gene talks with Scott Steiner and Midajah. Steiner and Sid are under "house arrest" and can't leave their dressing rooms, which is where they are for this interview. Steiner talks about getting horizontal with his freaks and going for the big "O". Doesn't he have a match or something he can discuss?

A Glacier promo runs. I guess they're taking as long to bring him in as they did the first time.

Buff talks with Nash and DDP. Nash takes Buff's hat and does an impression of... somebody. DDP says he and Nash are like fine wines. If you say so.

THE CHO-CHO-CHOSEN ONE & THE HARRIS BOYS VS. THE FILTHY ANIMALS (with Tygress) in a Filthy Animals streetfight / Bunkhouse match - Jeff comes out and stops in the aisle to talk. Listen up! "The Chosen One has somethin' to say. So the Filthy Animals think they were gonna get one over us tonight, thought they were gonna have it one sided, thought they were gonna have it all their way in the Filthy Animals street fight. Well, let me remind you D.C. slapasses of one thing: I am the chosen one. And earlier tonight I proved that I'm the superstar with all the stroke around this place, cause I went to Commissioner Sanders and told him that we should even the playing field, that not only should we have a Filthy Animals street fight, but also add one more stipulation and make it a bunkhouse match. So tonight, Starrcade 2000, for the first time ever on pay-per-view we're gonna have a Bunkhouse match AND a Filthy Animals street fight all rolled into one. So Heavy D, Big Ron, come on out here cause we're gonna give 'em a little bit of southern justice. So choke on THAT." The Harris brothers join Jeff and they head to the ring as we see clips of their run-ins with the Animals. Plunder surrounds ringside... a popcorn machine, a shopping cart full of cans, a BAR (one you serve drinks on) is inside the ring. A rubber dumpster is on the outside. Out come the Animals and Jeff launches a trash can at Rey! The Animals rush the ring and we're underway! Jeff and Rey go at it on the outside while the others brawl inside the ring. Jeff gets whipped into the railing. Hudson says "Nashville World Order"... and if you thought it couldn't get worse, Tygress puts on a headset. The action is pretty fast here. Jarrett's team is in control. Tygress refers to the weapons as "props" a few times. Konnan gets laid out by a Harris. Kidman stuffs Jarrett's head into the popcorn machine. Konnan hits Jeff with a street sign. The heels all end up in Bronco Buster position. Rey hits it on the Harris boys, but Jeff blocks his with a kick to Rey's nuts. Jarrett works over Kidman and positions the bar, which moves like it weighs about 5 pounds. Jeff puts Kidman on the top rope, but Rey comes over to break it up. They push Jeff off the ropes THROUGH the bar, which smashes into several hundred pieces. A Harris gets face slammed onto a trash can. Rey goes up top and Kidman tosses him a traffic sign. Arabian facebuster with the sign! Konnan works over a Harris with remains of the bar. Kidman goes over the top onto the Harris boys. Jarrett takes a faceslam from Rey on the inside. Rey springs off the ropes and ends up on Jeff's shoulders. Jeff spins him around and powerbombs him out into the dumpster!! Kidman rolls Jeff up from behind. 1, 2, kickout! The Harris boys nail Kidman and Jeff smashes him with a garbage can. The match has slowed into a standard tag format. A Harris hits a side suplex on Kidman. 1, 2, Konnan breaks it up. The Harris brothers hit a double big boot. Rey's still in the dumpster. Jarrett gets the tag. Standing dropkick on Kidman! Another Harris comes in and tries a powerbomb... but HE CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Kidman hits the faceslam counter and crawls to his corner... but a Harris cuts him off. Tag to Jeff. Kidman ducks a clothesline and gets caught in a sleeper. He sinks down to the mat and the ref checks his arm. It drops once... twice... but not three! No, sir! Kidman fights out and gets a sleeper of his own. Jeff counters with a back suplex... but Kidman flips out. Acid Drop on Jarrett! Kidman tags Konnan! Somersault clothesline on Jeff! And one for a Harris! There's one for the other Harris! X-Factor on Jeff! Konnan tries to clothesline both brothers and they duck... H-BOMB!! Jeff and a Harris pull a table out and slide it in the ring. They set it up... and Rey climbs out of the dumpster. He's got a broom! Double broom clothesline on the brothers! Broom shot on Jeff! REY IS CLEANING HOUSE! Haha... cleaning... he's got a... nevermind. Rey puts Jeff on the table. He goes to the apron... springboard... the Harris brothers catch him! H-BOMB THROUGH THE TABLE! Kidman comes off the top with a dropkick on Jeff! The Harris brothers rush Kidman but miss and fall to the floor. Sky-High on Jarrett! There's the Kid Krusher! Kidman drags Jeff towards the corner. He goes up top! A Harris breaks a bottle on Kidman's head! Jeff pulls Kidman up... for the STROKE!!! 1, 2, 3!! Jeff celebrates the victory.

Your winners: Jeff Jarrett & the Harris Brothers (match time: 12:32)

Next month... it's SIN.

Buff stands by with Dewayne Bruce. Sarge puts the bad mouth on Lex Luger, who flies in and attacks him! Lex quickly escapes.

The ring is being cleaned up from the last match. HEY, there's Buff's old pal DOCTOR UBANGI pulling a dumpster away! I met that guy once, did I ever tell you about that? Surely I did.

We finally see our hosts for this run of endless excitement, SUCKY, BALDY, & CHUBBY, who shill the rest of the card. Up next, the tag title match!

A video package shows us the history between Nash, DDP, and the Thrillers. I can't help noticing that we saw most of this LAST month. Tell me, does it get any better than Page going "jacked up Natural Born Monkeys" like that's a serious insult?

THE PERFECT EVENT (with Iron Mike Sanders) VS. THE VEGAS CONNECTION for the WCW World Tag Team Championship - The match so great we needed to see it twice. DDP's music has the usual Nirvana intro and "SELF HIGH FIVE", but then it turns into a different song altogether. When's the last time Page DID a self high five, anyway? Nash's music cuts DDP's off and they make their way to the ring. The Perfect Event makes their way out... but wait, I know that music! CEO FLAIR is out! "Commissioner... Commissioner Sanders, you don't think for a moment when I gave this match to Kevin Nash and Diamond Dallas Page that you were gonna be allowed to run around out here? You got a manager's license but if you take one step towards the ring tonight, the match is over, they're the champs." Sanders gives us "shock". "If you take one step towards the ring... DDP, Big Sexy, automatically are the world heavyweight tag team champions. WHOOOO! One foot in the ring." The crowd chants "We want Hall" as Sanders gets in a few words on Madden's headset. The bell sounds! Nash and Palumbo start us off. Chuck gets in a cheap shot and works Nash over. But Nash reverses a corner whip into a corner clothesline. There's one to the opposite side. There's a third. Nash hammers Palumbo against the corner. Here comes the dreaded barrage. Chuck reverses a whip to the ropes and hits a clothesline. Nash goes down! Chuck tries a legdrop and misses. Tag to DDP. He comes off the top with a flying clothesline! 1, 2, kickout! Chuck avoids a whip and rolls out to the floor to regroup. He comes back inside and tags Stasiak. DDP goes to work on Shawn. Page slides outside the ring to avoid a boot and he crotches Stasiak on the ring post. Stasiak lowers the boom on Page as he comes back inside, but Page fights back. Belly to belly! 1, 2, Palumbo breaks it up and DDP knocks him to the floor. Stasiak tries a slam and DDP slips out. He goes for the Diamond Cutter... Stasiak shoots Page off into the ropes and DDP hits a ROCK BOTTOM! Page signals for the Diamond Cutter! He grabs Stasiak's head and Palumbo comes in with a superkick. Stasiak tags out and Chuck briefly works DDP over before tagging back out. Stasiak hits a jumping elbow and covers for 2. Tag to Palumbo. DDP avoids a corner charge but gets caught in a double underhook suplex. A pin attempt gets 2. Chuck chokes DDP with his boot and Page shoves the camera away. DDP fights back and Chuck cuts him off. Tag to Stasiak. He stomps Page a few times and tags Chuck back in. Tony calls it impressive teamwork. Palumbo kicks DDP in the ribs and taunts Nash. Stasiak chokes DDP as Palumbo ties up the ref. Shawn comes back in and DDP starts firing back at both guys. Stasiak goes down and Palumbo floors DDP, but he headbutts Shawn in the nuts! Stasiak makes the tag. Palumbo enters and DDP starts fighting them off again. Spinning clothesline floors Chuck! Both men are down! DDP inches towards Nash... he and Palumbo stand up and exchange punches, which ends with both guys falling back down. Page goes towards Nash and Chuck goes low. Then Chuck nails Nash. DDP kicks Palumbo away... tag to Nash! Big boot on Stasiak! Side suplex on Palumbo! Side suplex on Stasiak! Stasiak gets clotheslined to the floor. Big boot on Palumbo! Sanders nails DDP low on the outside. Nash sets for a powerbomb and Stasiak hits a top rope clothesline on him. Palumbo flips over for a pin. 1, 2, kickout! Stasiak has one of the tag belts. Nash nails Sanders... and Stasiak nails Nash with the belt. Stasiak goes after DDP. Page hits a Diamond Cutter, but we don't see it. Palumbo covers Nash. 1, 2, DDP pulls Chuck out. THE OTHER THRILLERS are out. DIAMOND CUTTER on Jindrak! O'Haire superkicks DDP down. Sean goes up top and DDP crotches him on the ropes. Palumbo goes after Nash... but Nash hits a big boot! THE STRAPS ARE DOWN! Nash grabs Palumbo... JACKKNIFE!! 1, 2, 3! The champs celebrate as Sanders shakes his head in disgust. Replays show us the Diamond Cutter on Stasiak that we missed. Nash calls for the stick. "Hey yo! We got 'em again." That was deep.

Your winners and new WCW tag team champions: Kevin Nash & Diamond Dallas Page (match time: 12:05)

A video package hypes Goldberg against Luger. Wow, another match we saw last month!

So if Goldberg's only at 30 wins and he needs 177 to break his streak... that means he's got 147 left to go, so we've got SIXTEEN more months before he gets up to the 170's? They'll clearly never go that long, yet this streak angle continues. This is WCW!

BRING BACK LIZ VS. WILLY GOLDBERG in a no holds barred match - Mafia kingpin MICHAEL BUFFER is back for the intros. Lex enters without incident. Goldberg gets the long dressing room entrance. Goldberg was on the Man Show earlier this evening. Yeah, that's a wholesome show for the entire family. Goldberg finally reaches the ring and runs in as Lex goes outside. But Goldberg follows! He hammers Lex around ringside like a ragdoll. Goldberg rolls Lex inside and follows him in. A clothesline takes Lex down. So does another one. Lex tries to escape and Goldberg pulls him back in for an underhook suplex. Lex begs off and Goldberg stomps him. Powerslam on Lex. Luger rolls to the floor and heads up the aisle... but Goldberg attacks him. He lifts Lex up in slam position and tries taking him back to ringside, but Lex slips out and runs Goldberg into the ringpost. Lex grabs a chair and misses a shot. Here's SGT. BUDDY LEE PARKER and BUFF BAGWELL on their way down. Buff looks to be telling Sarge to stay backstage. Lex and Goldberg go back in the ring as we hear Buff tell Sarge to "stay out of it". Goldberg is ready for a spear... Lex pulls the ref in and Goldberg stops. Buff hops onto the apron and pulls the ref away from Luger. Lex goes into his tights and Sarge lunges for him... Lex nails him with the brass knuckles! Goldberg comes in and eats a shot! Lex takes off the knucks and covers. 1, 2, kickout! Buff is in and he stands on the second rope. Blockbuster on GOLDBERG! Wait, Buff acts like it was an accident. Lex nails Buff and throws him outside the ring. Now Lex signals for the Rack! He pulls Goldberg up... Goldberg holds the ropes and blocks. Buff attacks Sarge on the outside, but we didn't see it, of course. SPEAR on Luger! Buff's got a chair in his hands. He's choking Sarge. Jackhammer on Lex. 1, 2, 3. Buff slides inside and nails Goldberg with the chair! He smashes Goldberg down and poses. Now THIS is good, Buff as a heel is far less annoying. Buff and Lex walk up the aisle arm in arm. Huh? Sarge enters the ring and celebrates with Goldberg. They go outside and Goldberg lifts up a little kid from ringside. He walks to the back with... oh JEEZ, the kid's missing an arm or something. I'm sorry but, damn, warn me first.

Your winner: Goldberg (match time: 7:19)

So if Buff and Lex are together, why did Luger attack Buff and throw him outside? Why didn't Buff break up the pin instead of standing on the outside? Why do I keep asking these questions when I know there's no answer?

A video package hypes Steiner and Sid.

PILL POPPER PUMP (with The Lovely Midajah) VS. SYCO SYD for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Buffer busts out the intros once more. As Sid makes his entrance, Tony reads off some big Starrcade main events... I notice he leaves out "Hogan vs. the Butcher". Sid's got long tights on... that's a first, I think. I still miss the giant "SID" bursting into flames over the ring. Steiner makes his way down. Midajah follows him with her lead pipe and giant breasts. The announcers point out that Sid never lost the world title earlier this year when Russo and the Bisch took over. There's the bell! Steiner works over Sid in a corner right off. Sid reverses and fires back. He goes up for the 10 punches of death! Sid lands them but Scott comes off with a reverse atomic drop... no, Sid counters and clotheslines Steiner down! Side suplex! 1, Steiner escapes and rolls to the floor. He takes a minute and then comes back in, where he drops to his knees and poses. Steiner challenges Sid to the test of strength. Sid accepts and Scott pushes him straight to his knees. Sid fights back up... Scott kicks him in the gut and forces him back down. Sid fights up again and flips Steiner over with a suplex. 1, 2, kickout. Sid unloads. Big legdrop! 1, 2, kickout. Big boot on Steiner! Sid clotheslines him out to the floor and follows him out. Midajah nails Sid from behind with her pipe and Sid drops like a sack of potatoes. Steiner grabs a chair and nails Sid in the chest. The champ gives an audible "fuck you" to a fan before rolling Sid back in. A Steinerline takes Sid down. There's an elbowdrop and Steiner does some push-ups. He scoops Sid up into a backbreaker and jaws at the fans. Steiner puts Sid against a corner and works him over. Sid reverses a whip and eats a boot on a corner charge attempt. Spinning belly to belly! STEINER RECLINER! Sid's right by the ropes and he finally reaches out and grabs them. Suplex by Steiner. There's the Recliner again! He's in the middle of the ring this time. Midajah starts climbing to the top rope. Sid stands up and Midajah jumps... but nails Steiner! Scott stands up... into a CHOKESLAM!! 1, 2, kickout! Midajah adjusts her top. Get a close-up of THAT! Steiner and Sid stand... Sid hooks on a Million Dollar Dream!! Steiner punches the ref in the face and Sid turns the sleeper into a slam. He covers but there's no referee. Midajah hops onto the apron to distract Sid and Steiner has her pipe. He nails Sid from behind! A few more shots take Sid down. A second ref is out. 1, 2, kickout! JEFF JARRETT is running down with a guitar! Steiner holds Sid... Sid moves! KABONG on Steiner! Sid covers! 1, 2, Jarrett pulls the ref out. The ref ducks a punch and slides back in! 1, 2, kickout! Sid hooks Steiner for the powerbomb... Scott goes low. A field goal kick gets Sid low. Overhead suplex on Sid. There's the RECLINER again! Sid reaches for the ropes... but he fades out. The ref calls for the bell! Steiner climbs the corners with the belt, which looks to be falling apart. We're out of time! Watch Nitro!

Your winner and still WCW champion: Scott Steiner (match time: 10:11)

So why wasn't Steiner DQ'd for punching the ref out?


It's sad how WCW's "granddaddy of them all" has become just another pay-per-view. There was nothing special about this show in the least. Instead of taking their top babyface, who has had issues with the heel world champion for months, and removing him from the stupid "streak" angle to put him in the main event... we get SID out of nowhere?

With Starrcade being pissed away like it was, WCW sinks even lower into a pit of depression. Having everything build up to a major annual event is one of the things that really makes the show worth watching. Now WCW is just about building to one show a month. I suppose the lame duck status of the company, not knowing if or when they'll be sold, is a contributor to that... but it's not an excuse for letting your biggest event come and go like it was an ordinary show.

Oh well. We'll see what they do next month with Sin. Happy holidays and have a good new year.

Chris Jones
[slash] wrestling

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