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WCW Starrcade

Chris Jones

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BLAH

Greetings, wrestling fans!

Mi nombre es Chris Jones and this be YOUR Starrcade recap! Can you believe it... it's the 6th WCW event you and I have shared together. It all started back at the legendary Bash at the Beach and we've taken part of every pay-per-view since... not to mention various T&A specials and the like. I don't know about you, but I'll never forget the memories and all the friends I've made. (*Sniff*) And hey, maybe next year you can start chipping in on the cost every now and then! I'm not made of money, you greedy bastards!

You know, a few hours before Starrcade began I realized I had NO IDEA what most of the matches were for the show, so I popped over to WCW.com to check out the card. Talk about your poorly promoted events... are Goldberg and Bret Hart involved in ANY sort of angle going into this? Just for kicks I also checked out my old friends at Mark Madden's message board, just to see what the hardcore WCW fanatics are expecting going into the show. According to them not only will Kimona make her long awaited debut (which I understand to be true) but, in no specific order, the Ultimate Warrior, Lenny and Lodi, Raven, Sean Stasiak, Chris Candido, Tammy Lynn Sytch, and Chris Jericho should all be surprises on the show at some point. WOW! This is surely going to rule!

But do you know what could really put this show over the top? BREASTS! That's right! Why let the WWF have all the fun? Let's see some boobies tonight! And I ain't talking Ed Ferrara's. Good God, man, keep your shirt on!

But since nudity on wrestling PPV's is a hot topic, allow me to say that I love these guys who give the standard response of "if you thought seeing a girl naked was worth paying for, you need to get a life, a girlfriend, etc.". What FAGS! Much like most of you reading, I'd imagine, I've seen many a topless and/or nude girl before... some were even up close (well, through the peep show glass)... but I still popped like crazy when Kitty took off her bra. Why? Because seeing a naked girl NEVER gets old! Well, make that an attractive naked girl. I can just see it being Bertha Faye who ends up stripping down if they decide to have some nudity.

But enough of this petty banter! We didn't come to talk... we came to ROCK! Right? Right?! No? Okay.

Hey, just for ordering Starrcade, you can get a FREE Sting mask! Don't they normally do this at the end of the show?

An opening video package actually runs down all the matches! If I'd know they'd do THIS, I could have saved myself some time. Would it kill them to keep me notified of these things?

WCW logo shot. Happy belated Chanukah!

Another opening video package hypes the important matches. We're rated TV-PG, so I guess there won't be any nudity... well, unless Russo's looking for a shitstorm of bad press.

We fade into the arena where we're LIVE from the MCI Center in Washington, DC! It's the last wrestling PPV of the century! What's this... we start with a MATCH?

TWO YUTES vs. A COUPLE GOOMBAS (with Skinny Italian Tony and his briefcase) - Our hosts tonight are Tony, Bobby, and Scott Hudson(!), but we're spared the sight of them to watch Disco Inferno walk to the ring. Lash enters separately and then Tony Marinara leads the Goons to ringside. Remember what I said about this being a great angle if Tommy Rich was named as the dad? Forget it, this has sucked FAR too hard to be saved now. Who's allowing these mob hitmen to WRESTLE is what I'd like to know. Vito and Johnny enter and we're underway with a brawl! The Goombas get the early advantage and we start with Vito and Lash as the legal guys. Vito hits a big suplex and does the "under the chin flicking" gesture that's all the rage for mock Italians in wrestling. Lash briefly fights back but gets met with a superkick, which Vito follows up with some ninja posing afterwards. Johnny Da Bull gets tagged in. Lash gets the advantage and tags in Disco. Johnny goes down. Disco nails Vito off the apron. A big clothesline gets Disco a 1 count as Vito makes the save. Side Russian Leg Sweep for 2. Johnny hits a leg sweep to get things going his way. Disco gets double teamed behind the referee's back as Vito makes the switch and does some more posing. A neckbreaker from Vito gets a 2 count for Johnny. Johnny slams Disco down and tags out. Vito struts around some and then nails Lash. More double teaming. Johnny's in and covers for 2. The Goons hit a nifty looking double slam as Vito's again the legal man. He goes to the second rope with more chin flicking. Whatever he tried missed! Disco makes the lukewarm tag! Lash is a house slightly tepid! The Goons get whipped into each other! Disco and Vito fight to the outside. Johnny hits a press slam on Lash and then tries JUMPING from the ring to the top rope, but one foot slips off. Still impressive anyway! He does it again, spins in mid air... nobody home for the legdrop! Disco comes off the top... big splash! He covers! The ref counts slowly as Vito climbs the top rope... elbow on Disco! Johnny covers Disco but Lash breaks it up. Skinny Italian Tony is sweating outside the ring. Fat American Tony probably is, too. Lash hits the 10 punches of doom on Vito. A Stunner attempt on Vito is blocked! Vito throws Lash into Disco's back... accidental Stunner on Lash! Vito plants Lash with a big DDT! 1, 2, 3! A beatdown ensues on Disco after the bell. Tony goes into his briefcase and produces a bodybag and a bottle of some sort. The bottle is pushed into Disco's face... it's ether, say the commentators. Disco faints from the effects and is zipped into the bodybag, then carried backstage by the Goombas. Just behind the curtain they drop the bag and unzip Disco, who's now awake... so much for the ether. Vito drags Disco to a conveniently parked car and stuffs him in the trunk. All 3 enter the car and drive off, presumably to put Disco's feet in concrete and toss him off a bridge.

Your winners: Big Vito and Johnny The Bull (match time: 9:39)

See what I mean about this angle? It's not believable on ANY level. Obviously Disco won't be injured or killed. But we're supposed to buy that the mob would kidnap him and NOT do something to him? Or that they'd up and let Disco JOIN the group or something like that? And the announcers aren't concerned in the least that Nitro will kick off with a report of Disco's dead body being found? I'm all for suspending disbelief and whatnot, but let's re-enter REALITY here!

We finally meet our hosts for tonight's non-stop excitement, TONY "I ANSWER ALL MY E-MAIL" SCHIAVONE, SCOTT "I'M ON TV!!!" HUDSON, & BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN, who discuss the remainder of tonight's card. Bret vs. Goldberg... there MUST be a winner! Sid vs. Nash in a "Master of the Power Bomb" match. Ugh, I hear "Master of the Power Bomb" and I flash back to midgets and exploding boats. Scott Hall's got an injured knee, so the championship committee has stripped him of the belt and given it to Benoit. The Championship Committee? When did THEY come back into the WCW power structure? And do you realize this is THREE straight PPV's that's seen someone be stripped of a title?

Some music fires up as the threesome yak... it's CHRIS BENWAA on his way down! Benoit climbs inside with the US title belt and gets the microphone. He's the US champ, but titles aren't to be given... they're to be won, damn it! "I came to DC tonight to kick some ass!" An open challenge has been laid out for the ladder match. That was a solid interview from Benoit! More music plays... someone accepting the challenge? Oh, that graphic tells me we're into the next match!

IVAN COURAGEOUS (with Spice of Nitro Girls fame) vs. MADUSA (and her colossal rack) for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship - Madusa's wearing some bikini top... MAN, are those things huge. How can she even walk upright? Evan enters with Spice, who's his woman now because... well, I don't know why. How much do you want to bet that Ed Ferrara wanted this angle to end up with either Madusa being Evan's mother or Evan realizing how bad he wanted his actual mother? Spice pecks Evan as Madusa runs towards the ropes, steps out onto the apron, and THEN dives on Evan! We're underway! Madusa hammers Evan but then gets somewhat tossed into the steel steps. She reverses things and throws Evan to the steps, then rolls inside. Evan comes in and Madusa points to her chin. She pops Evan and he DECKS her one! The crowd boos as rightfully they should. Is that a marijuana leaf tattooed on Madusa's lower back? Evan tries a top rope Jerichosault that misses by a mile. Madusa with a Van Daminator of sorts to the gut. A dropkick from the second rope floors Evan. Madusa tries going up to the top but gets slammed off. A Frankensteiner attempt from Madusa ends in a powerbomb. Flip over cradle by Evan! 1, 2... well, the ref stops counting, but Madusa didn't kick out. She bridges up and tries a piledriver, nearly dropping Evan directly on his head before settling for a powerbomb instead. Madusa gets knocked to the floor and Evan climbs to the top... cross body! Evan is BRILLIANT... he can land on her chest and not be injured at all! Evan rolls back in after Madusa and Spice jumps on the apron to distract her man. Madusa attacks from behind and Spice sort of hits a low blow on Evan. German suplex! 1, 2, 3! And a title once held by the likes of Rey Jr., Dean Malenko, Ultimo Dragon, and Chris Jericho takes a place next to the TV title in the trash. Madusa and Spice leave together. Gee, will Spice start following Madusa around wear her outfits too?

Your winner and new Cruiserweight champion: Madusa (match time: 3:32)

Mean Gene is backstage with Nor-man Smi-ley, who's decked out in more football gear. Is Norman scared of Meng? "Cautious, yes... wary, absolutely... but I'm not scared of... AHHHHH!!!" The producer counting Norman down made a sudden move, you see, and Norman's a coiled spring ready to explode. Gene tells him they're off the air as Norman checks to see if he crapped his pants. Seriously.

HARDCORE WARRIOR NORMAN SMILEY (with cart o' plunder) vs. KING MENG for the WCW Hardcore Championship - Meng enters without incident. Norman grabs a cart of weapons and pushes it down to the ring. He tosses a garbage can inside and Meng uses it to smash over his own head. Meng goes outside and runs the weapons cart into a retreating Norman. Garbage can shot! And another! And a third! They're at the top of the aisle now. Norman screams and runs backstage, where he grabs a chair and smashes Meng a few times. Meng gets tossed into some spare girders. A trash can shot is ineffective. Norman gets hammered around the backstage area, then tossed into the catering location. A cookie sheet smash on Meng doesn't work. Norman gets slammed onto a table and then dodges a thrown cinder block! Norman finds a fire extinguisher but it's spray has little effect on the Monster Meng. Norman dives over a table back into the catering area as FIT FINLEY & BRIAN KNOBS attack Meng! Knobs gets tossed into some cardboard. Meng gets some coffee thrown on him. Tongan Death Grip on Knobs! Finley breaks it up with a chair! Meng no-sells a bunch of shots from both guys. Fit finds a pipe and nails Meng from behind, finally knocking him down. Norman emerges from his hiding spot under a table and curtains and sees Meng down. He covers with a few fingers. 1, 2, 3! Norman runs for his life as Meng wakes up and grabs Nick Patrick in the Death Grip.

Your winner and still Hardcore Champion: Norman Smiley (match time: 4:30)

Somewhere backstage, David Flair has a golden crowbar delivered to him.

Dr. Death and Ed Ferrara discuss match strategy in their locker room. Ed walks off.

We're back to the broadcasters... no wait, the Misfits have abducted Ed! My goodness! We'll keep on top of this breaking story!

Video clips show us the heated and personal war between the Revolution and Jim Duggan. Does Shane Douglas still do shoot interviews? I REALLY want to hear him go off on this pile of crap angle he's stuck in.

Mike Tenay is backstage with Jim Duggan. Hey, if Tenay's there, why isn't he doing commentary? Hacksaw can't tell us who his mystery partners are, but he can tell us that they're true-blue Americans. HOOOOOOO!!!

3 HORRIBLY WASTED TALENTS & ASYA vs. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN & 3 PARTNERS OF MYSTERY - If Hacksaw and friends lose this match, Jim has to (gasp!) run down America. If the Revolution loses then they have to assume Hacksaw's janitor duties for 30 days. Either way, we've got one hell of a payoff coming! Shane runs down Duggan, the crowd, and America. Hacksaw makes his way down as Douglas joins the commentators. The Revolution bails out as Hacksaw gets the stick. A big "USA" chant fires up. Hacksaw introduces his partners... why, it's THE VARSITY CLUB - IRS, KEVIN SULLIVAN, & DOGFACE RICK STEINER! And there's KIMONA WANABEACHEERLEADER leading them down! The Club gets a "modest" pop, as likely 5% of the people there actually remember when they... hey, we almost saw up Kimona's skirt! Woo Hoo! Douglas is irate at this turn of events. Hey, isn't Sullivan supposed to be banned from wrestling? What's Benoit think about this? Hacksaw starts things off with Saturn. Saturn goes into the wrong corner and gets hammered by the Varsity Club as Malenko runs in and nails Duggan. Dean gets slammed down hard. Three point stance! The clothesline floors Dean! Kneedrop of death! Saturn breaks up a pin attempt as Douglas rants about Bill Clinton. Saturn's tagged back in. A springboard dropkick gets Saturn a 2 count. Bobby notices that Duggan's yet to attempt a tag. Saturn misses a top rope moonsault and gets hammered. Dean hits Hacksaw with the Revolution's flag for a 2. Tag to Malenko. A triple avalanche on Duggan in the corner... and the Varsity Club's in to clean house! Steiner picks up Asya and ties her to the TREE OF WOE! Sullivan delivers! The Varsity Club helps up Hacksaw... and then ATTACKS HIM! NO! WHY, VARSITY CLUB, WHY?! They do a number on Hacksaw while still fighting the Revolution. Sullivan nails a low blow on Duggan! With his partners beaten up, Shane Douglas rolls inside the ring and covers! 1, 2, 3! Tomorrow night, Hacksaw has to denounce America! No! Don't do it, Hacksaw! Don't do it! While Duggan's doing that can we please see the Revolution run down WCW and Vince Russo?

Your winners: The Revolution (match time: 4:54)

Mean Gene has found the Misfits, who have Ed Ferrara inside a shark cage. If Vampiro beats Dr. Death, he gets 5 minutes with Ed... the Misfits want to make sure Ed keeps his word.

VAMPIRO (with the Misfits and a fat, petty bitch in a cage) VS. DR. CAREER DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS - Vamp enters and the Misfits roll down the shark cage containing Ed. Dr. Death trots down to the ring... and Vampiro jumps off the shark cage onto him! We're underway! Doc eats the steel railing, then a superkick. Ed tries to do commentary as the Misfits taunt him. Vampiro unloads some stiff kicks and chops. Doc hits a shoulder tackle to get the advantage. A few chopblocks to the knee keep Vamp down. Doc misses a charge into the corner and Vamp hits a back suplex for 2. Vamp to the top! Doc climbs up to meet him! Belly to belly off the top! The Misfits enter the ring and get tossed out. Vampiro takes the chance to rest and hits a spinning front kick when Doc turns around! Vamp tries a spinning heel kick and gets caught in a suplex. Doc hammers Vampiro and throws the ref down as he tries to break it up. The ref calls for the bell! Doc is disqualified! But the Misfits interfering was okay? Whatever.

Your winner by DQ: Vampiro (match time: 5:01)

VAMPIRO vs. FAT, PETTY BITCH ED FERRARA - Ed realizes that Vampiro is injured and psyches himself up for the 5 minutes. Security forces Dr. Death away from ringside. About 3 minutes later, the cage door is finally opened. Vampiro's up to his knees as Ed enters. A big kick and a DDT by Ed. He does the "Oklahoma Stomp" and Vampiro actually SELLS it. Vampiro fights up and hits a chop to the chest. Ed tries to run but the Misfits throw him back in. Vampiro misses a kick and ED hits one. Oh, this is BULLSHIT! Ed drops a low blow, then hammers on Vampiro some more. Vamp manages to hit a Rock Bottom as the Misfits rush and make it 5 on 1. They all give him a few shots and Ed's shirt is torn open. I said to keep it on, you fat bastard! Vamp hits the Nail in the Coffin for a 3 count. Vampiro and the Misfits stand victorious, because it takes FIVE FUCKING PEOPLE to subdue one of the writers. I can't wait until we see Russo wrestle... and you KNOW that's coming. Let's never see this Oklahoma character again. EVER.

Your winner: Vampiro (match time: 4:40)

The Corporation is speaking with Vince in the office. The boss is pre-occupied with something major going down later tonight, but he wishes them luck in their upcoming match.

Mike Tenay talks with Harlem Heat and Midnight. Booker T denies any friction in the team, but Stevie says there's trouble since Midnight got involved. Stevie's not watching Booker's back tonight. What you talkin' bout, Stevie?

"BOOBY SLAPPER" CURT HENNIG & CREATIVE CONTROL (with Shane) vs. HARLEM HEAT & MIDNIGHT in a 6-person tag for the #1 Contendership to the WCW Tag Team Titles - The suits and Hennig enter. Booker T comes out without Stevie, as per Stevie's earlier comment. The lights go out... BONG! MY GOD, THE UNDERTAKER IS IN WCW!!! No wait, it's just Midnight. That ALWAYS fools me! Booker and Gerald start things off. The commentators speculate on what the big thing is that Russo was talking about. Booker and Gerald trade moves before Midnight gets the tag. She goes at it with Gerald briefly and tags back out. Booker gets double teamed on the outside by Hennig and Gerald. Back inside, a big boot from Gerald puts Booker down for 2. Tag to Gerald. Booker hits the axe kick! Tag to Midnight. She's on fire! Gerald goes down! Gerald goes down! But Hennig doesn't! A leapfrog sequence sees Hennig knock Midnight to the outside where she's double teamed by Gerald. A big chop from Hennig knocks Midnight back to the floor, where Gerald rolls her inside. Hennig applies a front face lock and Midnight manages to tag... no, the ref says he didn't see it despite being RIGHT THERE. Here's STEVIE RAY out finally... but Booker tells him to hit the bricks! Hennig tags Gerald, who slams Midnight down. Gerald hits repeated elbows and Booker breaks up a pin attempt. Second rope elbow from Gerald misses! Tag to Gerald! Tag to Booker! He cleans house! Sidekick on Gerald! Forearm to Hennig! 110th Street Slam on Gerald! Hennig pastes Booker with an object of some sort. Gerald covers. 1... Midnight slides in... the ref hits 3, but we don't see it. Stevie walks off all pissy. He and Midnight were arguing outside, it seems. Gerald, Hennig, Shane, and Gerald make their exit.

Your winners: Curt Hennig & Creative Control (match time: 7:54)

Video clips show us the feud between Dustin Rhodes and Double J. You know, they fought this time last year on PPV and Debra stripped afterwards. Think anybody will follow suit tonight?

Mike Tenay's talking with Dustin, who has a "Dusty Rhodes - American Dream" t-shirt on. He mumbles something and Jarrett attacks! We're underway!

MY CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND JEFF JARRETT vs. WASTE OF SPACE DUSTIN RHODES in a Bunkhouse Brawl - They fight around the backstage area some. Jarrett drags Dustin into the arena and finds a wheelbarrow of weapons. Jeff sets the guitar aside and runs the wheelbarrow into Dustin. I guess we'll be coming back to the entrance at some point to use that guitar. They brawl up the aisle. Dustin's black Dusty t-shirt has "Tour 2000" written on the back. A Dusty Rhodes tour? I don't even want to know. They get inside the ring and Dustin uses weapons to get the advantage. A cowbell upside the head knocks Jarrett down. They go back outside and brawl on the announce table, where Dustin blatantly cheats. Jarrett eats the ringpost. They go back inside and Dustin goes into his tights for what appears to be powder. He throws it in Jeff's face! Now Dustin has a roll of duct tape. He whips Jarrett with his belt a few times... and then whips the ref! Dustin forces the ref into the corner and tapes his arms to the top rope. The ref screams in protest, so Dustin tapes his mouth shut too. Jarrett hits a low blow as the crowd looks to the entrance. It's CURT HENNIG on his way down! He untapes the referee as Jarrett chokes Dustin with something. Jeff breaks a piece of wood over Dustin's back, sending half of it flying into the crowd. A sleeper takes Dustin down to the mat. The arm drops once... twice... but not three! No sir-ee-bob! Dustin fights back up and gets put right back in the sleeper. He quickly counters by heaving Jarrett off. Hennig hands something to Jarrett, but Dustin blocks the punch. Bossman Slam by Dustin! Hennig pulls Dustin off before the referee counts. A sunset flip by Jarrett only gets 2. Dustin puts Jeff in the corner for Shattered Dreams. Hennig gets nailed as he tries to enter and Dustin lands the kick! 1, 2, Hennig pulls the ref out! You go, Curt! Dustin pulls Hennig into the ring and nails HIM with the Shattered Dreams. Dustin charges Jarrett and gets backdropped over the top. They fight up the aisle towards the entrance where, you'll remember, a guitar is waiting. Dustin climbs an impressive 10 inches off the ground and unloads a kick. Hennig catches up to them and gets bulldogged on the floor for his trouble! Jarrett's found the guitar and climbed on top of a ladder! El Kabong off the ladder! 1, 2, 3! Jarrett wins! Jarrett wins!

Your winner: Jeff Jarrett (match time: 11:24)

We quickly cut to David Flair giggling and smashing a teddy bear with his new crowbar.

Video clips show us the fierce and intense feud between Flair and Diamond Dallas Page.

Mean Gene talks with DDP. David Flair has problems... in the form of DDP with a crowbar! Badda-bing!

KIMBERLY'S HUSBAND vs. DAVEY BOY FLAIR in a crowbar on a pole match - DDP walks out to hardly any crowd response. He slumps against a corner as David hops through the crowd and waffles page with his new golden crowbar! DDP falls to the outside and holds his ribs. Referee Charles Robinson takes the gold crowbar and tells Dave to use the one on the poll. DDP is still down on the floor and the ref goes to check on him. David Penzer announces that DDP is too hurt to continue, but Page throws him down before he can finish the announcement. DDP rolls inside and the bell rings. Kneelifts by Dave. Stomps and shots to the back. David misses a corner charge and gets rolled up for a 2 count. DDP fights up but can't hold a bodyslam. The announcers bring up Page's infamous rib injuries. Dave hits a sunset flip for 2, then a DDT! Dave isn't looking half bad. And as soon as I type that, Tony declares this David's greatest match EVER... so I take back what I said. DDP gets caught with a boot and a clothesline for 2. DDP his a clothesline of his own and both men are down. David crawls to the corner and hits a low blow. Then a bodyslam. Figure Four on DDP! Page reverses after a few moments and Dave breaks it. He goes for the crowbar, which is only a foot and over the top rope. He grabs it! Dave with a swing and a miss... Diamond Cutter! 1, 2, 3! DDP pulls David up and sets him on the top rope... top rope Diamond Cutter! Page prepares to smash Dave's nuts with the crowbar when THE NITRO PARTY GIRL FROM PEORIA runs in and covers Dave up. Bobby recognizes the girl right off the bat, killing any form of believability this had. DDP backs off and leaves.

Your winner: Diamond Dallas Page (match time: 5:35)

Back at the broadcast table we glow over Dave's incredible performance. Bobby calls for the beer guy.

Video packages show us the history of Lex Luger and Sting's issues, minus about 10 years.

THE TOTAL NARCISSIST vs. STING (with Lizbet) - If Sting wins, Liz is free from her contract to Luger and becomes all mine. Okay, part of that isn't true... but I'm not saying which part. Lex enters and does his posing routine. Sting and Liz walk backstage. Sting asks if she has the mace, then hands her another can to use for tonight. I'd say Sting smells a swerve. Hey, say "Sting smells a swerve" 5 times fast. Bet you can't! The two make their entrance and I notice a scorpion printed on Liz's outfit. Sting enters and Lex rushes him! Sting gets beaten down and thrown to the outside. Lex taunts Elizabeth as he smashes Sting around ringside. They go back inside and Lex continues to dominate. A cover gets him 2. Lex tries a suplex as Liz hops onto the apron. Sting jumps right up and nails Luger into Liz, who paintbrushes him back into Sting, who nails Luger into Liz, who paintbrushes him back into... well, you get it. A double clothesline knocks both guys down. Liz grabs her can (of mace) and comes into the ring to... check on Luger? Way to make it dramatic. Sting stands up and waves at her. Liz sprays him... but it's silly string! Sting FINALLY expected a swerve! Sting tells Liz to beat it and then works over Lex. Sting to the top rope... BIG SPLASH! 1, 2, kickout! Sting hits a face slam! Lex goes into a corner. STINGER SPLASH! And ANOTHER! Lex falls into center ring. Sting goes for the Deathlock! No, Liz comes into the ring with Sting's bat. He turns and lectures her, telling her to drop the bat. Sting goes back to the move and Liz grabs the bat and NAILS Sting in the face with it! The ref calls for the bell! So even when Sting DOES see a swerve coming, he can't prevent it. Liz grabs a chair and climbs back inside the ring... and I think part of her top broke! YES! All it provides is a nice cleavage shot, but I'll take what I can get. Actually, I think it unzipped slightly. She sticks Sting's arm in the chair. Lex throws the referee outside and Pillmanizes Sting's arm! Sting sells being out from the bat shot and doesn't twitch. Lex uses the bat to smash the chair, then Sting, before leaving with Elizabeth, who fixes her top as they go. Damn! Tony speculates that we won't be seeing Sting for quite a while. Hey, why didn't Sting bring a fake bat? And does this mean Liz is out of her contract?

Your winner by DQ: Sting (match time: 5:25)

Tony says "Master of the Power Bomb". Ugh. Stop saying that!

Video clips show us the heated and not at all unentertaining feud between Sid and Kevin Nash.

SYCO PSYD vs. KEVIN NASH (with a meaningless title belt) in a Master of the Power Bomb match - Tony discusses the brutal shot Liz gave to Sting, although they haven't replayed it at all. Both men enter without incident. I guess Nash is going over here, since we know he doesn't show up at Starrcade unless he's winning. Nash crotch chops to start. The bell sounds! Nash gets the early advantage and works over Sid in a corner. A big clothesline takes Sid down for a 2 count. Uh... I thought you could only win with a Power Bomb? Sid ducks a clothesline and sets for a Powerbomb, but Nash escapes with a low blow. Tony says something about sticking a guy's head in your crotch. They fight outside and Nash tries a Powerbomb that Sid blocks. Sid's been cut open on his back somehow. Sid grabs a chair and smashes it on Nash's back. It sounds like Sid shouts "shut your mouths!" at the fans before realizing that he's the FACE here. Back inside, a clothesline and legdrop put Nash down. Sid tries getting a "Power Bomb" chant started, but it fails miserably. Nash goes to the eyes before Sid can do anything. Nash gets whipped into the referee. Sid lifts Nash in a Power Bomb but almost drops him wrong. Nash has put on some weight since the first In Your House, I guess. Wait... here's WCW SAVIOR JEFF JARRETT on his way down! He's got a gee-tar! KABONG on Sid! Jarrett kicks out the pieces of the guitar and wakes Nash up. Nash sets Sid for a Power Bomb... but his back hurts too much to lift him. Another attempt results in the same. Nash pulls up the referee and makes a Power Bomb motion while saying "I stuck him". The ref... CALLS FOR THE BELL?! What the HELL? Nash's music plays. I don't even care.

Your winner: Kevin Nash (match time: 6:58)

Mike Tenay talks with Chris Benoit. He repeats the same thing he said earlier. You can't expect two good interviews from Benoit in one night, you know.

CHRIS BENWAA vs. AN OPPONENT OF COMPLETE MYSTERY in a Ladder match for the United States Championship - Benoit enters as the US title belt is raised above the ring. We wait on an opponent. Hey, that's "Cowboy" playing! It's SUPREME DEITY JEFF JARRETT! And he's completely changed outfits since his run-in 5 minutes ago. Jarrett climbs the ladder and runs down Benoit. Chris runs out and meets him in the aisle. It's a brawl! They quickly end up inside the ring, where Benoit takes control. Jarrett gets put on the top rope. SUPERPLEX!! Benoit goes out after the ladder, dragging it back to the ring. He sets it on the apron and Jarrett does a sliding dropkick to knock the ladder into Benoit. Jarrett tosses Benoit back inside and props the ladder up against the buckles. He whips Benoit towards it, but Benoit reverses and Jarrett eats the ladder! Then Benoit whips him in again! Jarrett falls to the outside. Benoit goes for the belt... but Jarrett slides back in and prevents it. Benoit gets the ladder dropped on him a few times. Jarrett puts the ladder back against a corner. He runs Benoit face first into it. He tries again but gets it reversed and Jarrett eats the ladder again! Jeff manages to duck a clothesline and lift Benoit into the ladder, putting one of his legs between the rungs. He then TIPS the ladder back down with Benoit's knee still inside! DAMN! Jarrett goes for the belt... but Benoit quickly stops him. Now Benoit puts Jarrett's leg between the rungs and climbs up the other side! Jarrett shakes the ladder and tips it over, getting his leg out just before it fell. The ladder gets set up again and they both climb after the belt. Benoit gets knocked off... but he tips the ladder and Jarrett falls. Benoit climbs for the belt... but Jarrett tips it into the ropes. Benoit has been busted open around the eyes. Jarrett goes back after the belt... but Benoit tips it and Jarrett crotches himself on the top rope. Benoit goes up the ladder... Jarrett goes to the top rope. Dropkick on the ladder! Benoit flies off! Jarrett sets the ladder up and then beats on Benoit. Hudson says something about any tapes Benoit rented to prepare being nothing like this match. Yeah, that's true, but not how Scott meant it. Jarrett whips Benoit into the ropes, Benoit rolls under the ladder and dropkicks it into Jarrett. That's bad luck, Chris! Benoit climbs to the TOP of the ladder... SWANDIVE CONNECTS! Benoit goes back after the belt... and he's got it! A CLEAN FINISH?! Did I start watching another show without realizing it? Tony calls this the "match of the year". Uh... NO, Tony. It's not even the best ladder match of the year. Hudson backs up Tony's overkill. Replays show us various points during the match.

Your winner and still United States Champion: Chris Benoit (match time: 10:16)

Video packages of Bret and Goldberg are shown. It's hard to piece together parts of an angle when there ISN'T an angle to talk about.

Mike Tenay talks with the Hitman. Bret's a man of his word, and he said Goldberg was going to lose, so I guess Goldberg's going to lose. Yup.

BRET HART - ONE MESSED UP MUTHA vs. WILLIAM GOLDBERG in a No DQ match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - The intros are done by MICHAEL BUFFER, who's updated his spiel somewhat. No more "let's get ready", we're just "ready to rumble". Bret makes his entrance first despite being the champion and everything. Doesn't Bret have a jacket to wear anymore? We get Goldberg's entire entrance. I wonder if he ever feels weird walking around backstage in his undies while surrounded by several strange men. Goldberg gets his pyro and then the security rejoins him for the walk to the ring. The ref goes over the "rules" in this no DQ match. There's a handshake. And there's the bell! Goldberg's head is bleeding already. He shoves Bret down a time or two. Bret uses some wrestling to get Goldberg down and Goldberg fights back up. A shoulder block knocks Bret flat. Press slam on Bret! Goldberg applies that one submission move he knows... and Bret turns it to the Sharpshooter!! No, Goldberg kicks him off before Bret turns it over. They fight to the outside. Bret whips Goldberg towards the railing, but he knocks the ref down instead. Bret gets rammed into the broadcast table. Charles Robinson is out to replace the ref. Goldberg drops Bret onto the railing and then rolls him back inside. Big boot from Goldberg. Billy does a suplex of sorts and Bret's legs take out Charles. Goldberg tries a SPEAR... but Bret moves and Goldberg hits the ringpost! A new referee is out. Bret puts Goldberg's legs near the post and goes outside... figure four around the post!! Well, sort of, as the move falls apart the second Bret applies it. "Goldberg" chant fires up. Bret throws him back inside and goes to work on the legs. Here's a figure four! Goldberg reverses without too much drama. Now a "Goldberg Sucks" chant starts up! Ha! Bret stays on the legs by wrenching Goldberg's leg around the middle rope. Goldberg reverses things and hammers on Bret in the corner. Now Bret reverses and throws a wild punch, nailing the referee with his elbow. Goldberg hits a superkick! Bret slowly rises up... SPEAR! But there's no referee! Gee, who else can we get out here? Yep, here comes ICON RODDY PIPER to ringside, walking slowly with a weird look on his face. Bret clips Goldberg's knee and goes for the Sharpshooter... Piper enters and calls for the bell! Bret asks Roddy what the deal is as Piper takes the title belt and walks off. Hudson: "Is this Montreal all over again?!" Bret catches up to Roddy at the top of the aisle and Piper gives Bret the belt before disappearing. Goldberg doesn't look happy... and we FADE OUT? Oh man, FUCK YOU!

Your apparent winner and still WCW World Champion: Bret Hart (match time: 12:11)

Next month is Souled Out! Will anyone watch? Stay tuned!

FINAL THOUGHT:

Up to the main event I was leaning towards a strong thumbs in the middle for the show. We had mediocre crap at best for a good hour and things didn't pick up until the ladder match, which would have saved the show from getting only a weak vote of empathy... but the finish to the title match swings this show to a definite thumbs down.

Their biggest PPV of the year and they end things with a screwy finish taken directly from the WWF and then don't even EXPLAIN things? And this was the show Russo's been building to all these months? Let's see... the ridiculous mob angle... a woman winning an undeserved men's title and getting a female sidekick (where have we see THAT before?)... the crap with the Varsity Club... Ed Ferrara kicking Vampiro's ass... I could go on and on.

WCW could have knocked one out of the park with this show, but chose instead to bump a grounder directly to the first baseman. But everything will be worth it after a good Nitro tonight! Right?

Blow me.

Chris Jones
[slash] wrestling

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