My name be Chris Jones... and this be your Uncensored recap! It's, once again, Jeff Jarrett in a world title match. Can WCW possibly screw things up two months in a row? Forget all this talk about "Jarrett doesn't WANT the belt"... WCW should tell him to shut his mouth and take one for the company! Who cares if it ruins his career? Make him the champion!
Before we get going, there's a situation you may want to know about. As I mentioned last month, my recaps are now being co-featured on EmZee.com, and I received more mail than usual for the SuperBrawl recap. A LOT more mail. Now I don't have any proof to back it up, but I'll assume that the increase was due to other people seeing it on EmZee for the first time. So what does that mean? It means you [slash] readers are falling behind!
As I said, I have no proof to back it up, but I've asked the readers at EmZee to mention the page they read my recap on should they send me some feedback this time. And the same applies for you. Let me know where you read this. Prove to everyone (or just me) that [slash] readers are just as appreciative and interactive as anybody else! And next month I'll let you know officially where I got the most feedback from. You can rise to the challenge! Don't let me down!
Man, I'm an e-mail whore, ain't I? It's really getting sad. Anyone know of a 12-step program?
Anyway... on with the show!
As the "don't steal this or the FBI will break down your door" warning plays, the feed cuts to the arena for a good shot of a "I'd Rather Be At WrestleMania" sign. Bwahahahaha!!! Now THAT'S funny!
WCW Logo. Throw one hard enough and you could kill a man!
A video package shows us various events from all the major feuds... Luger/Sting, Jarrett/Sid, Flair/Hogan. Hey, if Uncensoreds past are any indication, won't Hogan have to beat VADER in this strap match to get the win over Flair?
Speaking of Flair, he makes his way into the arena with Lex & Liz. Lex tries pumping Ric up about tonight. Liz is carrying her own bag. What's up with THAT? Be a gentleman, Luger!
Elsewhere, Sid and Hogan are shootin' the breeze. Hogan will watch Sid's back, apparently, but Sid's more concerned with what Team Package may try against Hulk.
And rounding things out, here's Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Boys. Harris #1 says something about an "insurance policy". Jeff has some surprises tonight. Hey, where are the girls?
Why, it's a black limo pulling up outside! How original! But I suppose it IS better than a "mystery door", as we got last month.
We fade into the American Airlines Arena where we're LIVE from Miami, Florida! Pyro! Crowd shots! Cruiserweight title graphic!
THE ARTIST (with Paisley) vs. PSYCHOSIS (with Juvi) for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship- As the Prince enters we see some clips that try to fool us into thinking there's an interesting angle behind this match. Psycho enters as we get a good look at the horribly ugly shirt the Artist plans to wrestle in. Hey Artist, my dad called, he wants his pajama top back. The bell sounds... and some other music starts up. After a few moments they finally decide to show the aisle, where... hey, it's CHRIS CANDIDO! The announcers try in vain to find something Candido's done worth mentioning (I guess Tammy doesn't count) as he makes his way to the broadcast table to join them. Madden, Tenay, and Skip ALL slip in "the internet rumors were true, for once", which is slightly odd considering WCW SAID CANDIDO WOULD BE THERE ON THEIR OWN WEB PAGE. Back in the ring, Psychosis slaps Prince across the chops and we're underway! We cut to another shot of Skip. Psycho leaps off the top and hits a Frankensteiner! Candido wants to be known as "Hard Knox" Chris Candido. Yeah, THAT'S a cool name. A big clothesline knocks the Artist outside. Psycho dives off the top onto him! They both go back inside as Candido claims he can actually wrestle and not "jump around like a jumping bean". The Artist takes control and hooks Psycho on the TREE OF WOE! Running knee to the nuts! Cover! Psycho gets out at 2. The Artist nails a superkick for a 2 count, then tosses Psychosis outside. Tony says something about Paisley and Skip complains that HIS valet isn't there. I see the "Shane Douglas Guide to Shooting & Whining" has paid off for Candido already. Paisley pops Psycho one on the outside before the Artist runs him into the steps. They go back inside. Corner Clothesline by the Artist. I take back what I said earlier, not even my dad would wear a shirt that ugly. A legdrop on Psycho gets a 2 count. The Artist tries twice more for a pinfall. Sunset flip by Psycho! 1, 2, kickout! Psycho gains control and sets Prince on the top rope. Top Rope Frankensteiner! 1, 2, kickout again! Psycho hits a front face suplex and climbs back up top. Paisley attempts a distraction and Juvi grabs her and kisses her. Paisley floors Juvi with a punch! Then she tears his shirt off! Madden screams "CATFIGHT!", which, on this occasion, is funny. Now Paisley is going for Juvi's fly! Despite the lengthy distraction, Psycho connects with the Guillotine Legdrop! But he celebrates and THEN tries to get the pin. 1, 2, kickout. Paisley again distracts Psycho and the Artist climbs up to the middle rope, where Psycho would almost HAVE to see him. Psychosis finally turns from Paisley and gets caught with a jumping DDT! 1, 2, 3. I hate these match endings that are only believable if one guy is a COMPLETE IDIOT. Clips show us various spots during the match. What the hell is all over the back of the Artist's hands? Hair?
Your winner and still WCW Cruiserweight Champion: TAFKA Prince Iaukea (match time: 7:22)
We go backstage where MENACE TO SOCIETY GENE OKERLUND is talking with Bam Bam Bigelow. Bam Bam brought the Wall into the business, you see, but the Wall is out of control. Bam Bam taught the Wall everything the Wall knows... but he didn't teach him everything BAM BAM knows! Fill in your own joke here.
2XS... er... LANE & IDOL... no... LANE & RAVE vs. THE SCREAMIN' DEMONS - Lenny and Lodi enter... ahh, now they're just XS. This is a unique strategy. Give them new names every week so that the fans never know what to call them! It's BRILLIANT! Clips show run-ins between the two teams over the past few weeks. Some Nitro Girl music starts up... yay, it's MISS HANCOCK! And she has a slit on her skirt for even MORE leggage! Tenay actually starts to introduce Norman and the Demon as she enters, because the Nitro Girl theme sounds SO much like "God of Thunder". Miss Hancock puts on a headset as Lodi/Idol/Rave gets the microphone. "Excuse me. Excuse me. Miss Hancock. We are sick and tired of you chasing after us. Tonight we're kicking you to the curb for the last time!" Lenny goes on to say she's not "riz-at" material. Hancock scoffs and makes up something about XS needing female companionship. They should really tell her what to say in advance. She then wonders about them being "extra small" and Tenay saves everything by wondering if that's what XS stands for. So Lenny & Lodi dumped her, she acts like she doesn't care about them... can ANYONE explain this angle to me? "God of Thunder" starts up and the Demon walks from the entrance. His casket opens... it's Norman in KISS paint! They enter and get attacked as Norman tries showing the Demon how to Wiggle. Demon hits a double underhook suplex on Rave. Lane breaks up a pin attempt and tosses Demon outside. Norman sneaks in and goes after Lane as Rave and Demon brawl outside. Norman ends up behind Lane and decides to bump his crotch into Lenny's ass. Lane hits the ropes and gets caught in reverse powerbomb position so Norman can start spanking him. You can cut the homosexual undertones with a knife! Norman hits his cool swinging bodyslam. There's the WIGGLE! No, Rave attacks him before he really gets going. Norman manages to make a tag. The Demon hammers Lane as Miss Hancock and Tony discuss taking Los Fabulosos on a shopping spree. Rave gets tagged in and XS does the Hardy Boys' "one guy drops down and the other guy launches off his back onto a gun in the corner" move, but Lane overshoots the Demon and ends up falling to the floor. Rave hits a suplex for a 2 count. Tag to Lane. A double clothesline by XS takes all THREE guys down. Demon makes the tag! Norman comes in and dances. There's the "ass to crotch bump" for Rave! A wimpy clothesline on Lane! Is Norman TRYING to look gay? Swinging slam on Rave. Here's the WIGGLE! No, XS breaks it up with a schoolboy. Lenny hits the Memory Lane! 1, 2, Demon breaks it up! Lane and Demon fall to the outside. Norman comes up behind Rave... HE PROCURES THE CHICKEN WING!! Rave taps! It's all over! Norman and the Demon celebrate as XS take Miss Hancock away from the table. She doesn't look the least bit concerned... but Norman and the Demon make the save anyway! XS scatters and Miss Hancock is led back to the ring. Norman's music starts up and Norman bends over so Miss Hancock can smack him up and do him in the butt. So, what... she doesn't take it that way? Tease. Norman shows referee Billy Silverman how to do the Wiggle. Then the Demon gives it a try. Now all they need is cool lights, music, a fat guy, and the fans will... wait, no.
Your winners: Norman Smiley & The Demon (match time: 3:42)
Kidman, Booker, Torrie, and Torrie's boobs are backstage having a discussion. If Kidman ain't watchin' Booker's back, Booker may have to prove his brutha right, you dig? Torrie manages a disgusted look as Booker walks off.
Here's Crowbar, David Flair, and Daffney elsewhere in the building. David makes Daffney promise that she'll stay backstage when the Wall is out. Daffney holds up 3 fingers to comply, but then she laughs as Dave and Crowbar walk off. Let me guess... she had her fingers crossed behind her back!
We finally meet our hosts for tonight's trip to Funky Town, TONY "DAMN, I'M LOOKING SVELTE" SCHIAVONE, MIKE "MY CREDIBILITY IS LYING NEXT TO JIMMY HOFFA" TENAY, & MARK "TONY & MIKE ARE CAUGHT IN MY GRAVITATIONAL PULL" MADDEN, who discuss the utter devastation caused by the Wall in recent weeks. Clips show Crowbar, David, and Bam Bam all eating tables.
BAM BAM BIGELOW vs. THE WALL - Bam Bam enters without incident. The Wall climbs inside and we're underway! A brawl erupts! Bam Bam hits a corner clothesline! Wall reverses a whip by nailing Bammer with a clothesline of his own. Bam Bam hits another clothesline to stop a Wall charge. Bodyslam by Bammer! He climbs the ropes... TOP ROPE HEADBUTT! 1, 2, kickout! Bam Bam goes for a Greetings From Asbury Park, but Wall slips out and hits a big boot. Jumping kneebutt by Wall! 1, 2, kickout. Wall tries a backdrop and Bam Bam counters with a DDT! A clothesline by the Wall takes both guys out to the floor. They brawl up the aisle and near a table with some computer monitors on it. Wall grabs Bam Bam by the throat... chokeslam through the table!! The monitors fall down and, seconds later, spark and shoot smoke. Uh, YEAH. The bell starts ringing for some reason. DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR attack the Wall from behind! Wall fights them off and rips off Dave's neckbrace in just under 3 tenths of a second. A stretcher is being pushed down... WHY? Suddenly Bam Bam can't take one measly table bump? The Wall brawls with Crowbar on the entrance ramp. Crowbar disappears and Wall follows. Bam Bam's getting put on the stretcher. Now Crowbar is on an upper-level of the entrance set... as is the Wall. THIS doesn't look good. Wall grabs Crowbar by the throat... CHOKESLAM OFF THE SET THROUGH THE STAGE!!! SHIT! That had to be at LEAST 10 feet! The Wall smiles and the announcers rant about his "sick, twisted smile". Oh, come ON! The fans chant "jump" at the Wall, who's still standing on the edge. Replays show us Bam Bam hardly being 6 inches off the ground as he was put through the table. And it doesn't even look like a table! It looks like the same particle board topped thing that Buh Buh Ray put Mae Young through last week. The Crowbar drop is also replayed. That HAD to hurt. Crowbar is wheeled to a waiting ambulance as Tony wonders "can anyone stop this man?" Why do I get the feeling that this push for the Wall will end the second Goldberg returns and squashes him in a minute flat?
Your winner: Hell if I know (match time: 3:35)
Cut to the announcers, who are acting shaken and worried. Now this annoys me. WCW had a perfectly good angle/bump with Crowbar and here they go fucking it all up. How? 1) By pretending Bam Bam's situation is just as serious. Assuming that everything else is equal, how is a guy falling 10 feet on par with someone barely going 6 inches off the ground? Stretchers were brought out for Bam Bam right away and the announcers were so concerned over him that they would have had to break into Jim Ross "GOOD GOD!! GOOD GOD!! THEY'VE KILLED HIM!!!" drama to make Crowbar's drop seem more serious. And 2) The blatant rip-off of the Buh Buh Ray post-table reaction. If you want the Wall to get over, at least come up with something ORIGINAL for him! Damn! I hope Buh Buh shoots about it on Raw sometime.
Mean Gene talks with Brian Knobs. Knobs dedicates his match to Crowbar and Bam Bam. WOW! A Brian Knobs match! The gift that keeps on giving!
3 COUNT VS. SOLDIER OF SUCK BRIAN KNOBS in a Gauntlet Match for the WCW Hardcore Championship - One of 3 Count has a Zorro mask on for some reason. Evan has the stick! 3 Count is the best looking Hardcore champs in history. Now THAT is an accomplishment! Knobs' music cuts Evan off as Madden explains that the Zorro mask worn by Shane Helms is actually a protector for a broken nose. Ah-ha! As Knobs enters Tony breaks into a dramatic "how can we focus after seeing what we just saw" spiel, and Madden actually suggests that maybe the show should be stopped. I could have totally misunderstood things but this exchange rubbed me the wrong way and I'll simply say that if Madden meant his "we should stop the show" line as some sort of crack, he should be taken out back and shot. Knobs heads backstage again and reappears with a cart o' plunder. A ladder, multiple trash cans, brooms, mops, and a fire extinguisher are all inside. Knobs tosses things into the ring and Shane leaps off the top to the floor, cracking Knobs with one of the mops! We're underway! Knobs is getting beaten by everyone. Isn't a Gauntlet match where you face 1 guy at a time? Knobs gets inside the ring and uses weapons to beat everyone down. Shannon goes to Pity City! Here's a Pit Stop for Evan! And the dreaded trifecta on Shane! No, Shane's nose guard prevented the ill effects, which is totally lost on the announcers. Shane grabs a chair and nails Knobs across the head! Shannon puts the ladder against a corner and Knobs gets whipped into it. 3 Count sets the ladder up. Shane climbs up... splash off the top of the ladder! Evan hits a spinning splash off the ladder! Shannon hits a senton bomb! No... I guess he missed, although it didn't look like Knobs moved. 3 Count poses as Knobs grabs the fire extinguisher. He sprays 'em all down! Mop shot on Shane. Knobs puts a chair on Shane's face and hits it with a broom. He covers! 1, 2, 3! (3:02 )
Knobs' music plays despite the match not being over. He goes outside and works over Shannon. A table is pulled out from under the ring and set it up on the floor. Knobs throws Evan in the ring and AWESOME BOMBS HIM THROUGH THE TABLE AT RINGSIDE!! Evan comes RIGHT down on his upper back and head. Knobs rolls out and covers. 1, 2, 3! (4:17)
Shane runs over and attacks Knobs despite being eliminated. Knobs throws him into the fans. Shannon gets thrown inside the ring and Knobs pulls out another table. He slides the table into the ring and then drops the ladder onto Shannon. Knobs positions the table and scoops up Shannon. Shane hits a dropkick onto Shannon's back, knocking them both over the table! Shannon's on top for a cover! Both Knobs' feet and one of his hands are on the bottom rope... but 1, 2, 3! No, Nick Patrick saw one of the feet and the match is restarted. Knobs lays everyone out with trash cans and throws the ladder out of the ring onto Evan. Shannon tries handing the title belt to Knobs, who kicks the belt away... no, excuse me, "into Shannon's face". Knobs goes to the second rope... trash can splash! 1, 2, 3! Tenay: "And all of a sudden, respectability just came back to the WCW hardcore division in the form of the new champ Brian Knobs". When putting a title on Brian Knobs means it gains credibility, I think it's time to rethink things.
Your winner and new WCW Hardcore Champion: Brian Knobs (match time: 6:59)
Mean Gene speaks with Harlem Heat. Stevie says "pipsqueaks". Big T delivers an interview that makes everyone else in wrestling look like they have degrees in public speaking.
There's the mystery limo!
Vampiro mumbles something about doing bad things.
BOOKER TEE & KID-MAN (with Torrie Wilson) vs. THE NATION (with Clarence Mason) - See, if Booker added two E's to the T, then it'd still sound like "Booker T" and he wouldn't have to worry about lawsuits over the use of just the T. The legal advice is free... this time. As Booker enters we see clips of his various problems with Kidman. See, in a nutshell, Kidman be messin' wit' his bitch and not watchin' Booka's back, so Booka ain't pleased and Kidman's all "calm down" and Torrie's all "what-EVER". Kidman and Torrie enter. Harlem Heat heads down and it appears it'll be Stevie Ray and Big T as the team. Although, this being WCW, all 3 could be involved and nobody would notice (as the Triad proved). J Biggs joins the broadcast team. Booker and Stevie start us off! Booker starts beatin' his brutha like he stole sumthin'. Tag to Kidman. Stevie eats a dropkick. Wow, look at that empty row of seats about 6 rows back. Stevie slams Kidman and tags in T. Dropkick to T, tag to Booker. AHHHHHHH!!! Big chop on T! Harlem Sidekick! Superkick on Stevie! A punch on Cash has no effect. Cash tries coming in and gets an ax kick for his trouble! Side Russian Legsweep on Big T! Tony: "Booker is a 1 man assault team!" Tag to Kidman. Tony: "This is real teamwork!" Only Tony can contradict himself in consecutive statements. Kidman goes up top... Stevie catches him with a punch to the gut! Tag to Big T. Double front kicks to the chest of Kidman. Torrie watches on. Tag to Stevie. Double punch to the gut and Ahmed hits a Harlem Sidekick of sorts. Stevie makes a cover and Torrie climbs onto the apron to distract the ref. Booker makes her get down. Kidman gets worked over by Cash on the Heat side of the ring. Cash pulls Kidman outside and holds him as T hops the railing and backs up into the crowd. T runs in and JUMPS THE RAILING... no, he didn't clear it and fell on his face. But he at least made contact with Kidman as he did. Tony and Tenay, of course, act as if T cleared it easily. Back inside, Stevie drops Kidman stomach first on the top rope and superkicks him to the floor. Cash throws Kidman back in as Booker runs around to argue with Cash. Tag to T. Spinebuster! 1, 2, Booker breaks it up. Stevie comes back in and misses a corner charge. Kidman hits a second rope bulldog, or if your name is Tony Schiavone, a "DDT". Stevie tags T. Kidman tags Booker! Rock Bottom on T! Stevie breaks up a pin attempt. Rock Bottom on Stevie! The crowd wastes no time chanting "Rocky". Booker gets caught in a double spinebuster. T lowers the straps on his tights... UGH, cover them titties up, T! Biggs steals my "beat him like he stole sumthin" line. Okay, it's not really MINE. T makes a cover. 1, 2, Kidman breaks it up! Stevie grabs Kidman and throws him outside. Cash lifts Kidman up... but Kidman slips out and shoves Cash into Stevie. They both go down! Kidman climbs up to the top rope. Sunset flip on T... but T won't go down. A Harlem Sidekick by Booker knocks him back! 1, 2, 3! Kidman and Booker celebrate with Torrie on the outside. Replays show us the finish.
Your winners: Booker & Kidman (match time: 6:59)
We now see replays of the Wall putting Bam Bam through a table. Look at them monitors spark! Then Crowbar's drop is shown.
A video package shows us the budding issues between Vampiro and Fit Finley.
FIT FINLEY vs. VAM-PIE-RO in a Falls Count Anywhere match - As Fit enters we hear the injury rundown of Bam Bam and Crowbar. They both have serious concussions. Bam Bam has a dislocated shoulder and Crowbar cracked some ribs and bruised his hip. Vamp enters without incident. There's the bell! Fit unloads on Vamp to start. Vamp hits a spinning kick, then climbs up top... another spinning kick! 1, 2, kickout. Vampiro works over Finley for a while. Fit catches Vamp with a boot to the face to stop him. There's the forward roll slam... man, Finley could break his neck if he screws that up. Fit goes outside and grabs a chair that Tony describes as "very heavy and very thick". I think Tony's describing the HUGE YELLOW PAD on the chair that Fit puts right over Vamp's face. Fit up to the second rope... the ref takes the chair away. Finley grabs it away and Vamp kicks the chair (pad) into Fit's face! Madden mentions the casts that both guys are wearing and wonders about their involvement the lumberjack match later. I'm wondering if either will ATTACK THE INJURED ARM OF THE OTHER GUY. C'mon! Vamp tosses Fit outside and rams him into the broadcast table. Fit fights back and drops Vamp onto the railing. Fit gets run into the railing and then he backdrops Vamp right into some old guy's lap. They fight up the stands amongst hundreds of fans who didn't pay to get in. They eventually reach a concourse area where Vamp eats a concrete pillar. They almost go into the ladies room, but then opt for the men's room instead. Vamp gets run into a stall, then smashed with the door. One stall has a sink and trash can inside it. Why? Vamp uses the trash can on Fit and then dives off the top of the stall... but Fit nails him with the trash can! They make their way back into the main area... hey, go back to the bathroom! Where was the Dog? Security has TOTALLY lost control as the fans are swarming all over the place. Everything has gone red for some reason. Fit and Vamp brawl outside the building for a few seconds and come back in through a sea of people. They hardly have room to move, forget about wrestling. Finally a little area is cleared and Vamp gets backdropped on the floor. Fit smashes his "broken arm" into the concrete pillar and shows no ill effects. A security guy gets thrown down to the floor. Vamp hits the Nail in the Coffin! 1, 2, 3! The fans swarm the cameras and Vamp opts to celebrate in the crowd since trying to get away would be impossible. They pull to a wide shot... LOOK AT THE EMPTY SEATS!
Your winner: Vampiro (match time: 8:45)
Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers talk things over. They aren't expecting to break a sweat.
Video clips show us the issues between the Harris Boys and the Mamalukes.
Mean Gene stands with the Mamalukes. They're gonna beat some respect into the Harris Boys and then break their thumbs.
THE GOOMBAHS (with Disco Inferno) vs. THE HARRIS BOYS in a No DQ match for the WCW World Tag Team Championship - The Harris bros enter without incident. As the Mamalukes enter, Tony talks about their "great story" from mob debt collectors to WCW tag champs. The camera misses Johnny leap to the top rope. Tony and Tenay talk about the great teams over the years who have been WCW tag champs. Ah, yes... Harlem Heat... the Steiners... the Freebirds... Rick Steiner & Judy Bagwell. Those were the days. Disco joins the commentators as Vito and Harris #1 start things off. Vito unloads some shots that send #1 outside to regroup. Disco threatens to make some calls and have Madden disappear. Johnny and, I think, Harris #2 enter. Johnny hits a powerslam that #1 breaks up. Tag to Vito. Johnny lands a kick and Vito hits a neckbreaker. There's the Vito Shuffle and a cover! 1, 2, kickout. #2 goes low on Vito. Tag to #1. Vito goes down and #1 rushes Johnny on the apron. Vito hits a Japanese arm drag! Then a bodyslam! More Vito Shuffling... and then a running stomp. Tag to Johnny. Double double axhandles! Ref stops #2 from entering and the Mamalukes hit their double team H-Bomb like slam, dubbed the "Brooklyn Bomb" by Disco. #2 nails Johnny as he runs the ropes and then gets tagged in. Johnny gets thrown outside where #1 runs him into the railing. Back inside, #2 hits a side suplex. Vito breaks up a pin attempt. Tag to #1. Johnny ducks a clothesline and hits a spinning kick. #1 recovers and nails Vito off the apron. The Harris boys double team Johnny as the ref argues with Vito. #2 gets the tag and works over Johnny. A double clothesline sends both guys down. #2 tags out. Vito gets the lukewarm tag! The crowd applauds mildly! Vito unloads on both Harris boys with mafia kicks. One of them gets the 10 punches of doom! Johnny and a Harris brawl outside as Vito goes up top... elbow drop! 1, 2, kickout! Johnny enters and the Mamalukes hit a Hart Attack like move. The other Harris breaks up a cover. Vito gets tossed outside. Double flapjack on Johnny! 1, 2, kickout. They whip Johnny to the ropes again... H-Bomb! Well, Disco disputes that it was the H-Bomb... and Vito breaks up a pin attempt. Johnny and a Harris go outside. Disco rolls inside the ring with a title belt and nails a Harris. It's no DQ! Vito covers! 1, 2, kickout! The other Harris enters and attacks Vito. One Harris grabs the tag belt and nails Vito. Disco eats the belt! So does Johnny! Vito gets whipped to the ropes... H-BOMB! 1, 2, 3! The crowd... doesn't care. Replays show us some of the action.
Your winners and new WCW Tag Team Champions: The Harris Brothers (match time: 8:48)
There's the limo! There seems to be something leaking out of it onto the pavement.
Fit Finley wants to say a few words, it seems. "Let me explain somethin'. I said all along that I would beat respect into Vampiro. Well, I did that tonight! I'll be the first to admit that the better man won tonight. Vampiro, I took it to ya. I lit a fire within ya. Keep it burning. Ya earned my respect tonight, I beat it into you and I got it from ya. That's all I've got to say. They're always stealin' me Lucky Charms!" Okay, he didn't say that last part... but I was hoping he would. That or maybe the always classic "cause I'm bizarre".
Gene is standing by with Ric Flair, the Package, and Elizabeth. Lex is gonna hurt Sting, yes sir. Flair starts off his interview by putting Luger over. Odd that Ric will do that now, but he wouldn't 10 years ago. Anyway, Hogan's goin' down. Whoooo!
Video clips show us the heated feud between Terry Funk and Dustin Rhodes.
Gene now stands by with Blackjack Lanza... er... Dustin Rhodes. Dustin says something about this being Funk's retirement match, but Funk can't watch it... or something. Who knows? "American Nightmare" and "bit the dust" are said somewhere in there.
Our hosts talk about the Rhodes/Funk match and namedrop Dusty Rhodes. He isn't HERE, is he?
Next month is Spring Stampede! Order NOW!
TERRI'S EX-HUSBAND VS. TERRY FUNK (with frozen chicken) in a Bullrope Match - Dustin enters without incident. Terry walks down with a chicken and the stick! "I say... I say... I say, I think, I say, I think, I say, I think... I see a chicken in the ring. You know the only difference between you and your old man? Is your old man is much fatter than you are. And I've got you a surprise here tonight! Besides your old man... I've got your baby brother here. Come on down!" And there's A GUY IN A CHICKEN SUIT in the ring. Pete Rose is back... but he's at the wrong show! He attacks Dustin and runs outside the ring. Dustin gives chase and gets nailed by a chicken punch from Terry. We're underway! Terry runs Dustin into the railing and slides him inside. Dustin gets whipped with the bullrope! Terry unloads the 10 punches of doom in a corner. There's a DDT. 1, 2, kickout. A clothesline knocks Dustin back down. Cowbell to the head! 1, 2, Dustin grabs the bottom rope. Funk argues with the ref and Dustin goes low. Dustin grabs the bullrope and wraps it around Funk, using it to throw him down. Terry takes repeated cowbell shots to the head and falls outside. Dustin hammers away on Terry and then rolls him back inside the ring. He hooks the rope onto Terry's wrist and then puts the other end on his own. DDT on Funk! 1, 2, kickout. Dustin knocks Funk into the corner as my feed cuts out for about 3 seconds. Dustin hits a bulldog onto the cowbell! 1, 2, kickout. There's the chicken again! He attacks Dustin as some clucking sounds play over the PA. Dustin nails the chicken with the cowbell and sends him outside. Dustin tries going in over the top rope and Terry grabs his leg and bounces him up and down repeatedly on the rope. Terry gets the stick! "I'm changing the rules to this match. This is an I Quit match." The ref argues and Terry tells him he's full of shit before throwing him outside the ring. A cowbell shot to Dustin takes him down. Terry holds the microphone in Dustin's face as he smashes him with the cowbell. Dustin gives up... but it's not an I Quit match, so it doesn't matter. What, submissions don't count? Terry argues with the ref and Dustin nails him with the cowbell. Fistdrop with the cowbell! And another! Dustin repeatedly uses the bell on Funk's head. Piledriver on the cowbell (allegedly) by Dustin! 1, 2, 3! Dustin insults Funk on the microphone and starts hammering him a little more. Terry fights back and Dustin runs off. The chicken is still lying motionless at ringside. Ha!
Your winner: Dustin Rhodes (match time: 9:02)
If you ordered this show, you can get a FREE Outsiders t-shirt! Who are the Outsiders again?
Mean Gene talks with Sid, who says "Double J" for the 100th time. Aren't they NOT supposed to say that? Sid will watch his own back tonight. As he leaves, Gene says "let's take a look at the history of Sting and The Total Package."
And, of course, the video package goes back all of 4 months to Starrcade 1999 and what has happened since.
THE TOTAL PACKAGE (with Lizbit) vs. ACTOR/WRESTLER STEVE BORDEN in a Lumberjack match- We get a look at our cast-wearing lumberjacks as they make their way down. I see JIMMY HART, CURT HENNIG, DOUG DILLINGER, BRIAN KNOBS, FIT FINLEY, & VAMPIRO surrounding the ring. Doug Dillinger? Luger and Liz head down and Lex can't concentrate on posing with all the guys who hate him outside the ring. "Ahem. Now as you just saw, visually, that's why they call me the Total Package. And before this lumberjack cast match gets out of hand, I want to, for now, at least diffuse the situation a little bit... and apologize to each and every one of you individually for breaking your arms. I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart, I really am." For some reason Lex reminds me of Kurt Angle here. "But you know what they say. The Total Package is also the most intelligent wrestler. So don't think I didn't bring back-ups here. Please bring down MY lumberjacks!" Well, here's some more guys on their way down. HUGH MORRIS, STEVIE RAY, BIG T, CASH, & THE HARRIS BOYS head down with casts on their arms. Lex exchanges the Nation salute with Harlem Heat before bumping fists with them. The announcers actually talk about Lex's lumberjacks having an advantage because their arms aren't actually broken. Gee, it hasn't slown down any of the other guys tonight! Finally, Sting's music starts up and Sting makes his way down. He enters and Lex RUSHES him! We're underway! Sting quickly fights back and Lex rolls outside to friendly territory. Sting's lumberjacks run over and Lex rolls back inside where Sting continues stomping on him. "Luger Sucks" chant is the most crowd involvement in an hour. Unless swarming the Vampiro match like drunken idiots is "involvement". Sting continues making Lex his bitch. An elbow drop gets Sting a 2 count. Sting throws Lex out to the enemy lumberjacks! Lex's buddies rush around and a brawl starts. Lex is rolled back inside the ring. Sting gives a howl! Lex gets hammered and starts to beg off. Sting approaches and gets thrown out to Lex's side! The lumberjacks hammer him! Sting gets rolled back in and Lex puts the boots to him. Hold on... here's TANK ABBOT'S BEER GUT leading Tank Abbot to the ring! What does he want? Tank comes up behind Doug Dillinger, spins him around, and punches him. Then Tank walks off. HUH? Yeah, THIS is a feud that needs advancing! A clothesline takes Sting down as the lumberjacks start brawling in the aisle. They all disappear up the ramp. Well, no, Vampiro is still there. Wow, how's THIS match going to end? Here's RIC FLAIR on his way down with a chair! Liz walks along with him, carrying a bat. Flair and Vampiro go at it as Sting regains control in the ring. Flair runs Vamp into the railing. Flair enters and starts chopping Sting. No effect! Sting whips Flair to the corner... STINGER SPLASH! Luger attacks from behind as Flair rolls outside. Sting reverses a whip and hits ANOTHER Stinger Splash! The ref is arguing with somebody. Liz is on the apron... she nails Sting with the bat! Vampiro jumps up and takes the bat from her! Jimmy Hart is back down and he's got a Hogan weight belt. He drags Liz away while threatening to hit her with the belt. Jimmy Hart needs his ASS beat! Luger covers Sting in the ring! 1, 2, kickout! Lex signals for the Torture Rack. I'd rather see Liz's rack. Damn you, Jimmy Hart! There's the Torture Rack... but Vampiro comes in with the bat and nails Lex. Scorpion Death Drop by Sting! 1, 2, 3! Sting hugs Vampiro as Tenay screams "brothers in paint!". Didn't they do this same scene a few weeks ago with Sting and Buff?
Your winner: Sting (match time: 7:01)
Mean Gene has caught up to Tank Abbot. Doug was out there as a participant. He's not taking Tank's money. Um... WHAT?
A video package of the Sid/Jarrett war plays. So this isn't the last match? Bleh.
There's the limo! The door's opening... it's... it's...
Hey, there's Jeff Jarrett and the nWhos walking backstage! This is the ONE THING that they could have cut to in order to avoid a large string of expletives from me about the lameness of missing the limo exit. The announcers talk about this bizarre and sudden format change that has seen the world title match placed earlier on the card.
Sid is in his locker room and Mike Graham alerts him to the format change. Sid seems to mumble "oh shit!" before taking off.
LAME DUCK CHAMPION SID vs. SUPREME DEITY AND WCW SAVIOR JEFF JARRETT (with gee-tar, Tylene, Kim, and Muh-day-jah) for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - WCW still feels the need to bring MICHAEL BUFFER in for some reason. During the "are you ready?" moments, the cameras get close-ups of various girls in the crowd. Jeff enters with 5 pounds of balsa wood and 15 pounds of silicone. "Well, finally, golly... the time has come for the Chosen One to realize his destiny. I said I was gonna make Sid's life a living hell for the past two months, and I've done that! I said I was gonna knock down any roadblocks WCW put in front of me, and I've done that! Well, tonight, I'm proclaimin' once again that I'm gonna stroll down that aisle the US Heavyweight champ and stroll BACK down that aisle the NEW WCW World Heavyweight Champion! Cause WCW has tried to screw the Chosen One time and time again. Well, tonight, I've got one up my sleeve. Yeah, they may have one up theirs, but I've got one up mine. So all you people in the American Airlines Arena... you wanna see some skin tonight?" Yeah! "The nWo girls got it and they want to flaunt it. So you wanna see it?" Yay! "Not until I bring home the gold! So girls, after I pin Sid 1-2-3, hop up into the ring and we've got a show to put on." Jeff Jarrett is BRILLIANT! Now everybody wants him to win! And might I add... God DAMN, that Midajah is a choice piece. Sid makes his entrance... and Jarrett rushes at him! Here we go! Sid avoids contact and starts hammering on Jeff. 10 punches of doom! Sid goes for a chokeslam... no, Jeff goes to the eyes. But Sid clotheslines Jarrett outside and slams him on the announcer's table! Sid jumps off the table with an axhandle! MY GOD, SID LEFT HIS FEET! They brawl into the crowd with Sid in control. They end up by the entrance ramp and Sid locks on a blatant choke. Here's THE HARRIS BOYS to jump Sid! Yes! Get him! They throw Sid into the ring and start working him over. Is this No DQ? Jarrett and the ref argue on the outside as the Harris Boys exit the ring. Jeff starts beatin' on Sid like a red-headed stepchild. Sleeper on Sid! Sid stays on both feet for a while... but then he drops to a knee! Say "good night", Sid! It's all over! The ref drops his arm once! Twice! Thr... Sid's coming back. He fights Jarrett off. Sid charges in and eats a foot! Jeff to the middle rope... double axhandle! No, Sid hit him low! Sid takes control and hits a big boot! A Harris distracts Sid and Nick Patrick, allowing Jarrett to attack! The other Harris is on the apron with a title belt... but Sid runs Jarrett into the belt! Sid covers! The ref turns around. NO! 1, 2, kickout! Sid goes for a chokeslam... Jarrett goes low, I guess. The camera missed it. Jeff throws a punch and his elbow hits the referee. Jarrett checks on the ref... no, he and rams Patrick's head into the buckle. Ha! Jeff's got the guitar! EL KABONG ON SID!!! YES! Jarrett waves somebody down... it's nWo REFEREE MARK JOHNSON... but HULK HOGAN is clearly seen following him down. The nWo ref counts... 1, 2, Hogan pulls him out. DAMN IT! Hogan goes inside and starts hammering Jarrett. Big Boot. The Harris Boys get nailed. Legdrop on Jarrett. Hogan pulls Sid onto Jarrett. Nick Patrick counts. 1, 2, 3. Ah, SHIT. There go whatever hopes I had for this company. Hey, here's SCOTT STEINER with a guitar... he smashes it on Hogan! Nick Patrick gets thrown outside. The Harris Boys work over Hogan. Sid gets up and chokeslams a Harris. The other gets away. If Steiner was the "insurance policy", why didn't he HELP JARRETT WIN THE MATCH? Steiner is a waste of perfectly good chemicals! RIC FLAIR runs into the ring with the leather strap. Another ref is in... I guess we're... yep...
Your winner and still WCW World Champion: Sid Vicious (match time: 7:36)
RIC FLAIR vs. HULK HOGAN in an Apple Pie Indian Strap Match - Flair puts the strap on, then puts it on Hogan and starts working him over. There's JIMMY HART, fresh from abusing Elizabeth, on his way down. Hogan and Flair end up outside and suddenly Hogan is in control. He beats Flair around and then rolls him back inside. This is one of those "touch all 4 corner" strap matches, if you're wondering. Flair gets choked with the strap. Corner clothesline by Hulk. Flair Flop! Ric goes to the eyes and starts kicking Hulk in the ribs. Hogan gets whipped like the dog he is! Now Flair puts the strap in Hogan's mouth and pulls back. Hulk does the "trick knee" low blow kick. Now Flair gets whipped by Hogan's weight belt. Why not whip him with the strap? Flair chops Hogan in a corner... but no effect. Hogan nails Flair down and chokes him. Flair runs outside and Hogan pounds him around ringside. They go back inside and Hulk hits the 10 punches of doom... then he BITES Flair. Here's 10 MORE punches of doom. No, Hogan stopped at 9. Flair slumps to the mat and rolls outside. Hogan uses the strap to pull Flair back inside. Flair's now bleeding from the head. Hogan hammers Flair with punches. Flair begs off again and gets stomped. Flair to the eyes! He goes up top... gee, Hogan slams him off. Flair runs outside again and Hulk clotheslines him down. Jimmy Hart starts whipping Flair with the strap. Somebody kick Jimmy's punk ass NOW! Hogan chops and punches Flair... Flair reverses and nothing he does has any effect. They head up the entrance ramp and Hogan continues beating Flair's ass. Here's THE TOTAL PACKAGE with a chair! He clocks Hogan in the head! Madden: "Hogan may have trouble finding his way home after that one." Is that supposed to be funny? Flair finally gets some offense in as he beats Hogan around ringside. Flair goes low and then takes off the strap so he can chase Jimmy Hart. Flair gives up, I guess, and rolls Hogan back inside. Flair starts choking Hogan... and Jimmy Hart runs in and jumps on Flair. WHAT? Flair nails Jimmy flat! YES! Jimmy eats a few stomps. And a chop! Hogan pulls himself up and Flair stomps his knee. Flair touches 1 corner! There's 2! He hits 3! Hogan wraps himself around the bottom rope like Road Dogg at the Royal Rumble to prevent Flair from reaching #4. Flair gets some knucks out of his boot and nails Hogan in the head! Flair covers... 1, 2, kickout... since when are there PINS here? Hogan starts hulking up. Big boot for Flair! Hogan touches 1 corner. There's 2. He gets 3. Luger runs back down and eats a big boot. Legdrop on Flair. 1, 2, 3! HUH?! Hogan then touches the 4th corner, but after the bell rang and his music started. Jimmy Hart jumps around like a jackass. Hogan poses. Watch Nitro!
Your winner: Hulk Hogan (match time: 14:27 )
I can't believe it. I REALLY can't believe it. Why, WCW, why? Do they REALLY think Sid vs. Hogan will sell? Even if you disagree that Jeff Jarrett is WCW's top heel, he's certainly their top heel under 40... why NOT see if he can draw as champion? Will he somehow do worse?
Overall, the show wasn't bad... but, as is the norm, it wasn't anything great. But at least the stuff that falls under "not good" wasn't horrible like it usually as. I peg this one a Thumbs in the Middle. Had they put the title on Jarrett, I'd probably give it a Thumbs Up based on emotion alone.
That'll do it for me. I'll see you back next month... at WRESTLEMANIA! Finally, a PPV that might actually be GOOD. I don't know how I'll react.