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WWF Fully Loaded


Guest columnist: Michael Cunningham


WWF Fully Loaded

First off, I will not kiss CRZ's ass. I love his work, we all do or we would not be whoring ourselves to him for a permanent spot. But that admiration will not change if my writing sucks or not. Besides that, I watched the 2300 replay after my paying job, and have a class in 7 hours, so I need to get this done quickly. Also, I have the honor of being inducted into Ian's Heatrate Cru, an honor which means dick tonight, since the crowd was DEAD all night, my freezer had more heat.

Live from the Marine Midland Arena in Buffalo New York (Home of the Buffalo Jobbers, er Sabres.)

Your hosts are Jim Ross (w 10 gallon hat) and The Mayor.

Opening Montage: The dreaded Austin - McMahon back-history assuming that nobody watching has been paying attention through the last 3 years. But it was on par.

Let's take you back to heat, where good ole JR was interviewing SCSA when the Undertaker decides to cut him open one more time. Your basic Raw ending from the last month or so, as the McMahons watch on with glee.

Fast Forward to the present. Doctors look over Austin and decide he needs stitches, SCSA tells them to hurry the hell up. Meanwhile, Michael Cole interviews the McMahons who deny any responsibility for the attack on SCSA (DUH), but assures, nee, GUARANTEES that we will see a title change.

Match 1. Edge vs Jeff Jarrett (with Mongo's ex old lady) for the IC Title.

JR makes note that Edge won the IC strap in Toronto last night, so he is defending against Jarrett rather than vice-versa. The King wastes no time in throwing that P-word out there (which is verboten in my recaps, and you will NEVER see it) as Edge smiles, blinding me. Debra is out in an olive/teal bikini-sport coat combo. I reflect on the fact that Debra is old enough to be my grandmother and am thoroughly grossed out by ever finding her attractive. JJ starts the spiel as the match begins. Edge fights fair, ensuring him a defeat. The two start out with good basic wrestling, lot's of go behinds and headlocks. These two live and die by whips into the ropes. Edge hits a spin kick off said whip. Edge with a sunset flip from the second rope, for a 2 count. Jarrett quickly exits, grabs the title belt, and takes off down the ramp, which prompts a loud "WHAT THE FUCK?" from me. The two continue to stall, crowd doesn't give a shit. Upon Jarrett's return, he is posted, and thrown into the steel™ steps. The two get back into the ring, short exchange ending with a sweet bridge belly to belly. Edge to the corner, vault, there goes the knee. Jarrett starts in on the bad wheel. Jarrett goes for a figure 4 which is countered into a sweet roll-up, which is in turn countered by Edge being thrusted shoulder first into the post. Crowd is DEAD!

Jarrett decides to strut here, as I reconsider having Konnan be my least favorite wrestler. Jarrett has an offense that resembles a monkey fucking a football, It doesn't appear to hurt, or even remotely serve a purpose. We come to a sleeper hold by Jarrett, which is actually ignored in favor of a gratuitous Tit shot on Debra. (Remember Grandma!) Who the hell am I kidding, give that camera man a raise! There is no boring chant, but damnit there oughta be. Arm drop gets only 2. Edge breaks loose with some gutshots, off the ropes, and now he has Jarrett in the sleeper. I consider sleeping myself, but I must get over! The next rapid succession of moves ends with the very tired, fall down nut shot. Somebody get Sting's lawyer's on the phone! After the 2 count, a brief I-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine and a swinging neckbreaker. Inside cradle for 2. So-so tornado DDT. Jarrett dodges the spear, and shoots edge over the rope. Cue the lights and Gangrel's music. Looks like a bloodbath. No! Edge no sells the bloodbath as we come back to Gangrel laid out and Edge standing over him. Now the match has gone into a scramble for 2 counts. Jarrett tries the Rana, Edge counters with the Powerbomb. Debra starts in on the ref as I fight the urge to slit my wrists, Gangrel is back up, and hits the stun gun on Edge, Jarrett with the shtty reverse leg sweep for 3. (pinfall call it 13:30).

Backstage we learn that Stone cold's stitches won't last for very long, Austin says they won't have to. Back in the ring Jarrett is buttoning up the belt when we hear glass. Jarrett pounces, and guess what, he takes SCSA down, well, not really, he gets a stunner to remind him that he is a talentless hack that is wrestling because of his name and little else, nevermind the fact that he was Owen's friend hence the title reign. Crowd is up for this, one of the few times in the night. Give that man a microphone. In short, Undertaker busted him open, so now Austin wants to bust the Taker open, and what Stone Cold wants. . .

Match 2 The Acolytes Vs Freebirds 2k for the World Tag Team Titles.

This match is fought under Acolytes rules, to which I handily cross-reference to Raven's rules, in short there are none.

Michael Cole interviews the birds in the back, and Hayes says he will lead the Hardyz by example.

The match starts in the aisle. This is basically a glorified brawl, and a lot of early action slipped past this commentator, since I was trying to review this live instead of on tape like any smart person. Basically all five guys take turns bashing each other into the steps o' steel. They should write a book, 2001 uses for aluminum, hollow steps. Back into the ring, the Hardyz get a sweet drop kick-rollup combo on Bradshaw. Smoke is coming off my pen trying to keep up with this. Double suplex on Farrooq followed up by a senton splash from Jeff. Standard kick-punch combos, lots of tags by the acolytes. Jeff hops onto the top rope, and is thusly driven down into a wicked spot by Bradshaw. Fast interference and some switches leads to Bradshaw back in to hit a teardrop suplex from the top rope on Jeff in an interesting spot. Hayes throws in the Cane, Jeff with the shot to the head for two. Matt on all fours, Jeff tries vault on Bradshaw who sits on the second rope, Jeff gets clotheslined out of his fucking world. Replay the spear from KOTR and replace with clothesline if confused. The match goes to shit here, as the Hardyz disappear and Michael Hayes is left with the Acolytes to take the double power bomb. (pinfall call it 9:30 or so.) The crowd is still dead as hell.

Backstage we see Austin, anybody want to guess what he's doing?

Kevin Kelly interviews D-Lo. D-Lo reminds us he is an accountant by telling us that it has been 9 months since his last Euro title reign.

Match 3 D-Lo Brown vs Midian for the European title.

I love D-Lo, and have since the early days of the ministry. Dennis Knight is a fat piece of useless shit. I vow to never be heard from again should D-Lo job to the pig farmer. (And I may never be heard from again anyway if CRZ cuts me). The match starts out with D-Lo talking shit, and getting slapped for it. Whip in to the corner by PIG, back elbow reversal by DLB. Whip to ropes, Count to ten punch along. The two end up outside somehow. Midian reverses the whip sending DLB into the steps. (What the fuck is with those steps tonight?) DLB is dropped over the guardrail, which always reminds me of Crush's first heel turn back in the day). Back in the ring now, Gutwrench powerbomb by Midian for 2, into an immediate rear chinlock. Ross calls this a sleeper, I say potatoe, he says "I'm getting paid for what you are doing." Fat okie bastard. Midian with an interesting neckbreaker. Match is Slow! DLB sells PIG's fat useless bastard offense like a champ. Chops of Death by D-lo Whooo! Midian whips D-lo in, but lowers his head and gets a Sunset flip for his truobles, he is out at two. Follow up this action with a chokehold and we get our first "Boring" chant of the night, and I am inclined to agree. Tornado DDT is botched by D-lo, but PIG doesn't help any. Whip Midian to the ropes, D-lo hits the worst Sky-hi ever, but quickly follows it up with a leg drop, and the lo-down. (Pinfall call it around 10, I lost track) (Crz's results tell me it's actually 7:35)

Backstage, SCSA continues to put one foot in front of the other to change his location.

Michael Cole interviews Al Snow while showing replays of the match from Raw. Snow is a nut job here.

Match 4. Al Snow vs The Big Boss Man for the Hardcore Title

The Champion is in first, CRZ commence bitching now, I have your back. But it makes sense here as Snow meets boss man halfway down the aisle, and asks him to pound him senseless as the voices in his head are eased by constant pounding. Only in writing do I see how stupid an idea that is. That idea is only worsened by Traylor hitting the railroad spike in Head and Snow selling as though it were a Voodoo Spike. I feel like my head has the spike in it. About this time my right hand tells me it's time to adopt a "no hardcore" review policy. What do you mean you found the movies under my bed? Damnit. Usual hardcore match booking here, fight to the back, and hit your opponent with anything not nailed down, and throw him into anything that is. This time we see a pot of hot coffee, (my favorite) an empty coffee pot, cookie sheets, plastic trash can, and the dreaded CARDBOARD BOX OF EXTREME INCONTENCE. Not in that order. The two fight outside, Snow is slammed into the concrete, BBM follows up with a knee-lift. He's training with HHH. Kick, punch (it's all in the mind) across the street, nearly getting hit by a Lincoln in the process. Traylor puts down the rumor that he can't read, by reading the "No trespassing" sign then shoving snow into it. We are finally put out of our misery by Traylor handcuffing snow to the fence, then beating him senseless with the metal rod. Ref counts the pin. ( 11 minutes by my guess. Damn the WWF is prompt tonight.)

Video Recap - Undertaker and Kane back together or not? Kevin Kelly interviews Harcore Holly. HH says that he is not going to be impartial, that both Big Show, and Kane are afraid of him and rightfully so! If either one gets out of line, he will kick both asses. I have long since jumped on the Hardcore Holly Bandwagon. However, as he comes out, the true nickname of "No-heat" Holly is more appropriate. Small pop for the big show. Holly starts telling Big show what's what as soon as he is in. Finally, through hellfire and brimstone, it's Kane. Big pop, quickly dies. HH tells Kane to keep it clean as well. We lock up. Kicks and punches all around, TBS gets the upper hand with a Gorilla press, which actually looks pretty sweet, and dumps Kane to the floor. Both men outside now, Kane gets posted, and sells it so-so. Getting back in the ring, TBS gets a big boot which knocks him back into the ropes. TBS recovers, whip of Kane into the corner, which Kane over sells. At this point we have our first "Ventura at Summerslam plug by JR." Why not, the two have a hard time finding something to talk about in this match, and I feel their pain. Big Show decides to head-butt his hand 3 times (they really need to find a way to fix that). Kane goes down, and BS does the step over. BS tells Holly "I'm gonna powerslam his ass" Holly: "Do it then" So he does, shaking the hell out of the ring. The ring is the best seller in this match-up. Side-Russian leg sweep. TBS misses the "Giant" elbow, but Kane hits the DDS in a flashback to older Character days. Kane to the top, and (wait for it) clothesline from the top. Two men return vertical, and there's the choke by Kane, now wait for the slam. It's not coming, as Holly clips the FUCK out of Kane's leg. Showstopper Chokeslam with a quick three, and ladies and gentlemen, there is your heel turn. I called it (Pinfall just over 8 minutes). X-pac is out to protect his big buddy, and gets an ass stomping by the Untertaker who is also out. UT and TBS continue to pound on Kane. Which makes me go "WTF?" TBS and UT hate each other or something. Oh well. Am I watching WCW or what? As Undertaker makes his way back, Big Show looks kind of torn about what he has done. God damnit is he a heel or not.

Backstage: Austin takes this opportunity to catch up with the undertaker and ask him to blade. He also kicks the shit out of him.

We get an outside shot of the arena, just to reassure us that we are somewhere. This leads into the Iron Circle background package. In other words, Blackman beating Ken Shamrock profusely about the head and shoulders with a kendo stick. Riggs and Murtaugh are banned from this match.

Match 6: Steve Blackman vs Ken Shamrock in the Iron Circle match.

Blackman's new music sucks ass. Shamrock hasn't shaven recently, could he be emulating Blackman??? The Iron circle is a lot of cars in a parking garage. On each car is a jobber beating the hood, and blowing the horn. I only hit the high spots, not that I was expecting any. Usual garbage brawl, hood shots, attempts at windows, mainly I am interested in shutting those fucking horns up. Blackman attempts a whip with a chain which misses. We are out of our misery thanks to Shamrock choking Blackman out with the chain. (Call it 4:10 or so).

Backstage Terry Taylor interviews the Undertaker, and nothing important is said. Michael Cole interviews Mr. Ass and Chyna who proceed to make him their bitch.

Match 7: Badd Ass Billy Gunn and Chyna vs. Roadd Dogg and Tooth-pac for the rights to DX.

I don't care what anybody says, heaven is coming back as Chyna's wrestling gear. Roadd Dogg does the spiel to a short lived pop. Chyna and Roadd Dogg. Headlock gives Roadd Dogg a good view of the Rockies. Whip off the ropes into a sholderblock, this sequence is repeated before RD drop kicks Chyna in the back. RD tries the pump-handle, and Chyna bails after much effort. We come back to the battle of the New Age Outlaws. BABG gets an asshole chant, confirming that he is Shane's long lost brother. Fast Forward to a manly beatdown on the RD by BG. Lukewarm tag to Chyna as I stare at her breasts in order to better ignore her face. X-pac apparently has a concussion from his chokeslam earlier. BG with the Jackhammer. Why the hell is BG using that for just a move? From here on out, I will refer to Billy Gunn as "Dumb-ass" Billy Gunn. Hot tag to X-pac, and he is a condo on fire until getting hit with the Stunn Gunn by DABG. Chyna tags in. Gets 3 kicks in, and locks the rear chinlock on. X-pac escapes, but gets a powerslam for his troubles. Chyna moves with the front face lock. We see old school tag tactics here as DABG blocks the ref from seeing the tag, then said ref allows the non-tag by the heels despite not seeing it. Suddenly it's 1988 and WCW again. But I get the biggest laugh of the night from it. Chyna attempts a sweet cartwheel, backflip, hand-plant back elbow which is met with a clothesline. Tag to Road Dogg, wibbly-wobly knee drop. From here the whole thing breaks down. X-pac with a Bronco buster on Chyna. Chyna accidentally pulls X-pac out of the way of the Stinger Splash by DABG, pump-handle slam, see ya. (Pinfall 11:45 or so.) DX talks shit on the way out.

Summerslam ad #1. Summerslam is Mmmmm Beefy!

Apparently you can send your cable bill in and get a free WWF mouse pad, I would do that, but I am not fond of federal prison.

We kill some time with the history of HHH and the Rock. All of it! Back to the days of DX vs The Nation. Summerslam 98' This package actually kicks ass. If HHH does not win this match, then the promoters for WWF need to be tied to a tree and shot. Actually, just feed them to Viscera.

Match 8 Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. The Rock in a #1 contender's strap match.

Going once again against the grain, I will publicly admit to liking HHH's entrance and music. Backstage, Michael Cole leads this edition of Sing along with the Rock. Basically HHH is a bitch, and is going down. How many months since WM 15 and I still mark out for that Head thing to keep us waiting for "… is cooking." Rock comes out with his jobbing face on. In traditional Rock fashion, the two men are soon outside. Rock teases the Spanish announcers table, but leaves it standing. . . for now! Back into the ring. Big Clothesline whip - back elbow combo from HHH. HHH chokes Rocky over the bottom rope. Back outside. JR tells us that the 4 corners rule is NOT in affect. At least it's not a first blood match ending in a pinfall. Whips into the Stairs o' steel by both men. Titan must have gotten some kind of deal on black trunks with silver writing, as HHH and the rock, both have that color scheme. Faint "Rocky" chant dies as soon as it starts. Rock drags HHH around, and whips him good. HHH regains the upper hand, until a suplex is reversed outside. King reveals that the Rock is in fact, cool. Ross tells us that HHH felt he had this match won before it started. Gee, could that be due to the commercials running for a month declaring him God? Here comes Chyna. She effectively distracts Chioda through the Rock Bottom. Chioda actually looks Chyna in the face, and suddenly I feel bad for him. Funny spot as HHH tries to step over the top rope and neither foot touches hanging him there for a moment. HHH climbs the top rope, effectively hanging Rocky, and I have to admit, the leverage looks pretty sweet. However, Rocky jerks HHH off (JR's words, not mine), and both men are down for the 10 count. Cue the second Body reference of the night, Sweet strap pull clothesline by Rocky, then a Samoan drop. HHH strips the strap off. What the FUCK!!! Manly beatdown by HHH. Rock with the whip, DDT, for 2. Dumbass Billy Gunn makes his way out and clubs Rocky. Pedigree attempt gets countered into a golatta, body slam, Peoples Elbow. DABG yanks the strap after 2, getting a Rock Bottom, of course, HHH is waiting with the Pedigree for 3. (Pinfall call it 20 minutes or so, seemed much longer!)

Back history for SCSA vs. UT. McMahon vs. Austin Footage in here as well just in case a WWF fan hasn't been paying attention for the last 3 years. This montage is good, but it effectively reminds me how annoying the buildup for this match was. Personally, I would love to see either stip enacted, but McMahon getting back on TV is easier to get around. So I guess we see the Undertaker bleed.

Match 9 Undertaker vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF Title in a First blood match.

No chance in Hell fires up and out comes Vincent K. I wonder how in the Hell the WWF can be stalling as this feels like the longest card in the world. Both guys have fresh wounds, so It can't possibly go too long. Vince is announced as a guest commentator, and I predict that this shall in fact suck.

Undertaker comes out and makes me reconsider hating his guts. He has no druids, no Paul Bearer, no goofy outfits, he just walks out, and looks to kick some ass! I hear glass! SCSA and UT meet in the aisleway and go to work, kicks punches, basically the same style we have seen all night. Whip into the Guardrail by UT, and Austin is looking pretty pudgy here. Maybe that's why he keeps getting Light beers on Monday. Blocked stairs o' steel shot by Austin, reversal countered by Taker. Taker chucks the stairs at Austin, who effectively dodges them. Vince admits he could care less about the undertaker, as the two fight into the crowd. Kicks and punches all around. SCSA goes to work on the knee. This match is slower, and stiffer than the previous meetings for these two, yes, THAT SLOW! Whip, reversal, chop block from Austin. UT gets the leg whipped into the post. I'm thinking that knee is never going to bleed. Crotch attempt is reversed and Austin is sent into the crowd. McMahon swears that Austin is bleeding. Back at ringside, UT misses the Chairshots. SCSA with the upper hand drives the Undertaker into the steps of steel. What has vince got against those steps? SCSA chokes away at Taker, back in the ring now, ref gets bumped by Taker, then Taker is tied into the ropes after tripping over said ref. Here comes Shane, wicked Chairshot on Shane. But now Taker is free. Of course, Taker goes right to the bottom rope choke while he removes the top turnbuckle. SCSA regains the upper hand, and the exposed turnbuckles doesn't factor in any way. Grrr. Vince is in, but SCSA has a second chair, and interference is irrelevant. First chair to the back from taker. Here comes X-pac. X-Pac kicks the chair back into UT's face, stunning him, and Austin has a TV camera. Holy SHIT! Wicked shot with the TV CAMERA OF DEATH! Taker is gushing, I think he had to have hit a vein or something. Ref is out though. . . No he isn't. ring the bell, your winner is SCSA. Vince is Gone forever, or at least until RAW tonight. Vince is in the ring. Stunner Crowd is going Apeshit. HHH is in. The Rock is in. They soon fight to the back. Taker is pounding Austin, who is also busted open. Shane gets in the way, and is decked by Taker. Refs all over the place. Vince is in the ring crying Taker looks like someone just killed his puppy. Austin offers his hand to McMahon, which Vince takes (dumbass) of course Stunner! Crowd goes apeshit, and the only real crowd interest comes at the end. (I called it 15:35)

Bottom line: The main factor in critiquing any performance is the reaction of the audience. That is why this card is so bad. For the most part the fans were bored, and generally disinterested. The ringwork was stale, and bland. To much brawling, and even that other Cru would have to say that their big deal is lacking here. Nevermind that the main stipulation will not stand, as Shane will pull the "Vince has no say" that CRZ called.

That's it, drop me a line and let me know how I did. Hopefully I'll see you around.

Michael "Der Ubertank" Cunningham

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission