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WWF No Way Out

Ian Challis

Main

BLAH

Yes, I have not dropped off the face of the Earth or taken a teacher's degree (wink wink), and as usual I'm here to dispense with yakkety yak yak about this month's WWF Pay Per View offering...

  • Cool opening package to kick us off there. And the rubix cube logo rocks too. Now, you see, it's LITTLE things like this that Vince does SO much better than anyone else.

  • Comin' atcha liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive from Sleaze City, USA (that's Las Vegas, dumbasses), your hosts are The King and JR Got Pedigreed Thursday Night. DAMN YOU, TRIPLE H!! DAMN YOUR SOUL!!!

  • Opening Match, Hardcore Title: Raven(c) Vs. The Big Ol' Tub Of Guts: That huge circular TitanTron-which will be dubbed the VegasTron from here on in-is pretty cool too. Raven brings his usual assortment of weapons (tree, "Raven" license plate, pumpkin, plastic Frankenstein) in his shopping cart. Show enters, and Ninjette jumps him with her trusty Jimm Duggan-yeah, that's clever. Show holds her back, then wallops Raven with his own Stop sign when he goes to meet him on the ramp. Show kicks his ass back down to ringside and casually tosses him around, but misses a charge (in the loosest sense) and crashes into the ringpost, giving Raven the brief advantage. Fire extinguisher and baseball slide keeps Show on the floor, and-hey, who's that going t work on Raven in the ring-why, that's JERRY LYNN! Oh, no, wait, it's Crash Holly disguised as a popcorn vendor. Crash gets the tornado bulldog but Show breaks up the cover, Final Cut for Raven-and heeeeeeere's Steve Blackman, batterin' the Show with all sortsa goodies. Hardcore Holly's out for a spot of double teaming on the Show, and Tha One Billy Gunn sneaks in the ring, hitting the FameAsser on Raven to become the NEW Hardcore Champion. Holly and Blackman go to work on the Assman and hit a sidewinder while everyone else messes around, then Show takes them out with a double clothesline, and Raven pins Gunn to reclaim the title. Ninjette's back with her 2x4, but Molly Holly takes her down with a trash can lid and they take a powder. Raven runs at Show with a trash can, but gets caught. Showstopper through a trash can, and Show is YOUR Hardcore Champeen at 4:21. Damn. Rockabilly goes for him, and they totally botch a backdrop to the floor. That's just SAD. Show grabs his title and leaves. *. Well, I hope you're happy, WWF-you've just managed to bury FOUR perfectly good wrestlers, all for that tub of lard to stand a snowball's chance in Hell of getting over. Ugh, not a good start.

  • Kurt Angle gets SERIOUS backstage.

  • Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero demonstrate the good interview, and the bad interview. Try to guess which one's which. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

  • Fatal Fourway For Intercontinental Title: Chris Jericho(c) Vs. X-Pac Vs. Eddie Guerrero Vs. Chris Benoit: Now THIS should put me in a better mood. The Radz storm the ring and everyone picks a partner-Guerrero takes Jericho, and Benoit stomps X-Pac. Benoit and Pac tumble to the floor while Jericho and Eddie brawl inside, and Jericho flapjacks Eddie face-first into the top turnbuckle. Cover, and Benoit breaks it up. It's RADICAL TIME! Benoit and Guerrero beat the living crap out of Jericho while X-Pac naps on the floor. Jericho put in the corner, and Eddie charges, but Jericho ducks and clotheslines Benoit's head off. X-Pac gets back in the ring and meets the same fate as Jericho at the hands of the Radz. Benoit directs Eddie to the top, but Pac tries for the X-Factor and Benoit slaps on the crossface to counter. Eddie looks shocked, I say, SHOCKED at his friend trying to sneak a quick victory. Jericho crotches him, and takes Benoit to the floor.Pac climbs to the top buckle and goes for a superplex on Eddie, but Eddie shoves him down and KILLS Pac with a frog splash. Jericho breaks it up. Benoit follows Jericho back in and takes Jericho down, but Eddie puts Jericho's foot on the ropes, and suddenly there's trouble in paradise.

    The Radz stomp Jericho out of the ring, but Pac bundles Eddie to the floor and puts Benoit down in the corner. Broncobuster attempt, but he's cut off in mid-charge by a missile dropkick from Jericho. Pac goes to the floor and Benoit and Jericho tussle. Benoit hits a German suplex, but Eddie breaks the cover at two and it's RADICAL WARFARE, BABY. Eddie into the ropes and Benoit flapjacks him, but Eddie turns it into a BEEYOOTIFUL rana in midair. Jericho pounds on Pac as Eddie takes it to Benoit, and this match just got a whole lot cooler.

    Eddie goes Rudo on Benoit, bitching him out in the centre of the ring while Jericho and Pac fight on the floor again, and Jericho suplexes him. Belly-to-back gets two for Eddie, and Jericho goes hard into the steps on the floor. Brainbuster by Eddie, and he goes upstairs, but Benoit meets him up there and superplexes him down. Both down, and Jericho and Pac crawl in the ring and get a double cover for a two-count each. Eddie clotheslines Pac to the floor, and Jericho nails a butterfly backbreaker on Benoit, for two. Benoit up, and they chop some meat in the corner, but Jericho catches Benoit coming off the ropes with a rollup for two. Benoit decapitates Jericho with a lariat for two, and commences chopping. CHOKE! CHOKE! CHOKE! Pac and Eddie brawl on the floor, meanwhile, and in the ring Jericho reverses and Irish whip. He comes off the ropes for a bulldog, but Benoit ducks and hits a German suplex for one. Another attempt, but Jericho rolls through it and applies the Walls Of Jericho. Eddie breaks it up and tastes the hold himself, and when Pac tries he meets the same fate. Neato spot.

    Justin Credible runs in and Jericho breaks the hold to nail him. Benoit capitalises on the distraction with a Dragon suplex for two, and Eddie breaks up the pin. The Radz fight some more, and Credible and Pac pull Benoit to the floor and nail him with a double superkick. Jericho with the Lionsault on Eddie, but Pac breaks up the cover. Irish whip, donkey kick, and the X-Factor, but Benoit breaks it up. He smashes Credible off the apron, and locks Pac in the crossface, but Eddie nails the Perfect necksnap on Benoit to break it. Everyone's down! Benoit and Eddie get up first, and Benoit hits a belly-to-back and Air Canada, but Pac nails him with a heel kick. He stoooooopidly celebrates-and Jericho rolls him up with a bridging cradle for the three count to retain at 12:18. Now THAT puts me in a MUCH better mood. ***3/4. Good to see X-Pac jobbing, too. But where to from here?

  • Triple H appears to be having a brain aneurysm while getting his fists taped up. Either that or it's REALLY cold in there. -Back in the plush locker rooms, Vince leaves the Stephanie/Trish situation in William Regal's lap. Well, no, not LITERALLY. Regal makes an amusing facial expression 'pon Vince's egress. -Hey, the WWF European Champion's at WWF New York! No, not Busta Rhymes, silly-it's Test! He sure looks thrilled to be holding a microphone, don't he. -And there's Trish, brushing off her "boyfriend"-ARRRGHHHH! This situation is so full of double entendres! -Trish Stratus Vs. Stephanie McMahon-Helsmley: And Trish now has her own music, without all those hairy backs stinking up her entrance video. That is a damn fine wonderbra she must have on there. Steph runs in, looking dressed for combat-a GIRL? Dressed for combat? Nah. Steph's in the ring, and WE GOT CATFIGHTIN', TONY, WE GOT CATFIGHTIN' AND CLUBBERIN'. Steph just kicks Trish's ass, yanking her off the ropes and clotheslining her down. Snapmare by the hair! Whoa, Steph, you're gonna pull some of that out in a minute. Steph throws Trish to the floor, and it's HARDCORE TIME. Oh, jeez, I did it again. Trish gains the advantage and tosses Steph into the crowd. Steph comes back with a Blackmanesque flying clothesline from the barricade, and Trish slides back in the ring. Steph tries to suplex her to the floor, but Trish hangs her over the top rope.

    Steph rolls back in the ring and Trish just beats the tar outta her in the corner, and caps it off with the five minute bulldog for two. DDT gets two, and Trish shows what a good heel she is by arguing with the ref. Now how do they work ref bumps in these matches? Are we really supposed to believe that Jimmy Korderas would get knocked out by a wayward clothesline?

    Sorry, losing my train of thought there. Trish drags Steph to the corner and chokes her while sitting on the top turnbuckle, but Steph pulls her down, and they hit the floor again. HEAD TO THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Trish is reeling from this heinous assault, and Steph follows up by dumping the NIPPLE RAISING PITCHER OF WATER OF DOOM over her head. Back inside for some more classic exchanges, and Trish goes for a huracanrana but Steph blocks it into the Girly Powerbomb for two. And here's where it gets interesting...Or overly sexual, if you prefer. Steph yanks down Trish's shorts and spanks her repeatedly, sending all the prepubescent pervs that only watch wrestling for this stuff into cardiac arrest. Steph chokes Trish down, and the ref gets them separated, but they fly at each other and do the Matrix double takedown. Time for some fun, methinks. And sure enough, here comes William Regal with a trip for the referee, and an assist for Trish, dragging her on top of Steph. The ref gets to two-and Regal had a change of heart, putting Steph's foot on the ropes and leaving Trish pretty darn irate. Regal gets in the ring to explain his actions to his comely wench-and Trish SLAPS him one. Regal takes it in his stride and apologises, then takes Trish's hand to kiss it-and he KILLS her with the Cobra neckbreaker! OH HELL YEAH! You the MAN, Regal! Regal departs quietly as Steph drags herself onto Trish for the three at 8:30. Post match replays show Regal's MOVE OF THE NIGHT, after which Regal straightens his tie and makes a quick exit. Trish fumes after the loss. That was quite the entertaining little crapfest, I have to admit. **.

  • And backstage, it appears as though Regal made the wrong choice, because Vince just made Regal/Steph Vs. Vince/Trish for RAW! Regal as a face? He's already there, baby!

  • Steve Austin searches for his lost power of speech in the parking lot, but fails to find it in time to answer Michael Cole's questions. Wait a minute...That match is on NEXT??

  • 2 Out Of 3 Falls Match: Triple H Vs. Steve Austin: What in the holy name of Billington is this doing FOURTH on the card? This is one time that I could honestly say a grudge match belonged at the top of the card...Oh well. LET'S GET IT ON!

    First Fall: Brawling to start (as if anything else was expected), and Austin kicks the crap out of him in the corner, then clotheslines him down. Stunner attmept, but Triple H shoves him off and reverses a Thesz press into a pretty ugly stungun. Pedigree attempt, and Austin reverses into an equally ugly armbar takedown, then they hit the floor. Austin smashes the arm around the ringpost a few times. Back in the ring and Trip goes for the Pedigree again, but Austin gets a Flair uppercut and slaps on an armbar. It's Steve Malenko! He works that for a couple of minutes, then shoots Trip into the ropes and hits the Thesz press. BMF Elbow gets a two, and a spinebuster puts HHH down again, but Austin jumps from the second rope and eats foot. Both down.

    Trip gets up first and hits a neckbreaker on Austin, then goes to work on the neck with a succession of kneedrops. Ya know what stip Austin could've picked if he'd got the chance? Triple H can't use the knee. He'd get zero offence in, I'm telling you. Austin tries to fight back but Trip chopblocks him down and goes to work on the knee, wrapping it around the ringpost in the corner. Austin manages to yank him face-first into the post, then back in the ring for some more fisticuffsmanship. Trip knocks Austin down and goes back to the knee, then slaps on a Figure Four! He gets closer to Flair every day...

    Trip grabs the ropes for that darn heelish extra leverage, but Austin eventually manages to turn the hold over, and Trip makes the ropes. Trip's up first and he stomps Austin's knee, then elbowdrops it and slaps on a leglock. Austin boots out the hold and tosses Trip into the corner, then pounds him into the turnbuckle. Thesz press and elbow get another two count, and Ausitn goes for the Stunner but Trip blocks. Second attempt, and this time Trip reverses into a neckbreaker. Both men down. Austin gets up and goes for another Stunner, but Trip rolls him up for two, and Austin reverses that for two. Trip goes to the second ropes, but Austin boots him as he comes off and nails the Stunner to win the first fall at 12:23. Not bad, not bad at all.

    Second Fall: They hit the floor, and Austin hits a pair of suplexes on the ramp-OUCH-then drags Trip to the announce position and throws him around a bit, culminating with a WICKED monitor shot that actually smashes the screen. Austin plays Terry Funk and throws chairs in the ring, and thankfully they aren't in Philly and the fans aren't complete morons. Trip tries to bail through the crowd, but Austin crags him back and throws him in the ring. Trip manages to grab one of the chairs, but Austin kicks him in the gut and just KILLS Trip with about 15 chairshots to assorted parts of the body. Cover, but Trip kicks out at two. Trip bails, and Austin follows and throws him into the timekeeper. Austin rummages under the announcer's table and find a barbed wire 2x4. Placed there by Jimpartial Ross, no doubt. King has the same thought and immediately accuses JR.

    Austin charges Trip with it, but Trip blocks and nails Austin with it. Austin assumes the position, and, sure enough, when he gets up he's juicing. Trip whales away at him and sets him up for the Angle-Killer Pedigree (through the announce table, that is), but Austin backdrops him through the Spanish Table. Various replays give Trip a time to wake up, and when he does Austin meets him with a beer can to the head. Back in the ring, and trip manages to blast Austin with the ringbell for two. Neckbreaker on the chair gets two, then another. Trip reversed into the ropes, and Austin tries a sleeper, but gets death suplexed onto a chair for two. Pedigree attempt, but Austin backdrops him to the floor. To the outside, and Austin wipes Trip out with a chair and the steel steps. Trip slips away and fishes his trusty sledgehammer out from under the announce table(damn, JR, what other weapons have you stashed under there? Staple gun? C4 explosives?) , and it's ON.

    Trip swings for Austin, but Austin nails him right in ol' bread basket and tosses him back in the ring, then stomps a mudhole in the corner. Trip gets the sledge again, and again Austin blocks. Stunner attempt, but Trip shoves him away and nails him with the sledge. Pedigree, and Trip takes the second fall at 28:14. Game time.

    Third Fall: The cage lowers and both men looked WASTED. Trip gets up first and goes to work on the limp and lifeless Austin, throwing him into the cage and pounding him with right fists. He throws Austin into the cage again, and rakes the barbed wire across his face. Austin manages a chairshot to break it up, and he throws Trip into the cage, then nails him with the barbed wire for a nearfall. Another shot, but Trip comes back with a chair-assisted DDT for two. Both struggle to their feet and Austin slugs away at Trip (FLAIR FLOP!), for two. Trip gets up quickly and tries to climb out the cage, but Austin catches him and they fight on the top rope. Austin gets crotched, and Trip climbs again, but Austin grabs him and slams him down.

    That gets two for Austin, and he tries for a Stunner, but Trip reverses to a Pedigree...for two. Brutal chairshot by Trip, and he goes for another Pedigree, but Austin catapaults him into the cage and hits the Stunner...for two. Both men crawl to their respective weapons (Austin' barbed wire 2x4, Trip's sledge), and both charge, but both get nailed, and Trip flops on top for the three count at 39:30 total time. Awesome match. ****3/4. The cage is raised as both men regain consciousness-and Trip tucks a suspect bith of metal back in his shorts. Hmmmm...Austin, being the complete asshole that he is, Stuns Trip when he gets up, because Austin is a huge loser who can't take jobbing at the top of the card and who always has to be the last one standing. Sorry-I don't know where THAT came from.

  • Steven Richards and the Right To Censor share a group huddle, likely discussing tactical plays. XFL! XFL!

  • The Kat slips on her trenchcoat, but not before a shot of her BARE NAKED back. I think that's all you're gonna see tonight, folks.

  • And Tazz joins us on commentary! Whoo hoo!

    Jerry "The King" Lawler w/The Kat Vs. Steven Richards w/Ivory: King kicks Steven's ass to start, and Richards bails. Back in, and King knocks him down and bodyslams him. Richards bails again, and removes his shirt. Richards is joining the Right To Nudity! Eh, probably not. He slides back in, but Lawler tosses him out and throws him into the crowd, then holds Ivory for a slap from the Kat. Richards sneaks up on King and nails him, then tosses him back in the ring. Censor Train by Steven misses, and Lawler beats on him some more. Bulldog gets two, and Steven beats Lawler back into the corner, and suplexes him for two. Steven gets mad and throws a chair in the ring, but King blocks it and DDTs Steven twice. Ivory tosses the Women's Title in, but King uses it on Steven, then bodyslams Ivory. He tries to roll her to the floor, but she puts up some resistance. Steven tries for another shot with the Women's Title, but King knocks him down again and resumes trying to remove Ivory. Steven grabs King in a full nelson, and Kat tries to smack Steven with the Women's Title, but Steven ducks and King chews on it. A three count later, and there goes all those pimply-face teenagers' hopes at 5:33. Poor kids. You'd think the huge amounts of internet porn would satisfy them, but noooooo. The RTC storm the ring and robe the Kat, and Steven carries her off. -Good Ol' MC interviews The Brothers Grimm, and Taker waxes lyrical about Gloria Gaynor. Or something. Triple Threat Tag Team Title Table Match: Dudley Boyz Vs. Edge/Christian Vs. The Rock 'N' Rollin' Connection: Taker and Kane enter first, and Kane's wearing a snappy all-black ensemble. Edge and Christian decide to wait on the ramp, until the Dudleys come out, and they duck out of harm's way and let those wacky half-brother tandems go at it.Both Dudleys get tossed off the ramp, and the big boys go and beat on Edge and Christian at ringside. Duel announce table shots, and they brawl back round the ring. Double powerbomb through a table at the base of the ramp, but the Duds jump them before that can happen and wipe them out with two sweet chairshots.

    Back in the ring, and the Duds pound on the Blondes. Buh Buh misses an Avalanche on Christian, and Edge sets him in the Tree Of Woe, then the Canadians climb the ropes and STAND ON BUH BUH'S GROIN. Ow ow ow ow ow. D-Von makes the save but gets flapjacked. Club Sandwich attempt on Buh Buh, but he ducks, catapaults Edge into Christian, and the Duds hit Wassup on Edge. Wardance, D-Von Get The Tables, but Taker and Kane ambush him on the floor and Christian nails Buh Buh with the Unprettier. Buh Buh rolls out, and it's Taker and Kane's turn with the Blondes.

    Double Emerald City Slams! Double flying lariats! Kane goes for a table and brawls with Buh Buh, while taker fights D-Von. Both manage to slide tables in, but the Duds are BACK and they pound down the big guys. The Brothers Grimm quickly regain the advantage, of course, and it turns into a big six-man melee. Christian and D-Von clothesline Kane to the floor, and Buh Buh and Edge do the same to Taker-then the two makeshift teams go at it. Buh Buh stunguns Edge and they go for a splintery 3D on Christian , but Taker comes back in and prevents it. Edge and Christian go for a double suplex through the wood on Taker, but Kane breaks that up. Double chokeslam for the Blondes, the Duds back in, next verse, same as the first. Two tables set up, and I'd say we're lookin' at a double Last Ride-but lookee here, it's that darn Samoan Swat Team 2000 to take out the Brothers Big. They brawl up the ramp, leaving the others in the ring. Edge sets Buh Buh up against a table in the corner and charges, but Buh Buh moves and Edge eats wood-and it DOESN'T break. A 3D through the table for Christian moments later, and the Dudleys remain the tag champs at 12:05. Taker and Kane dragged this down a notch. **3/4.

  • The Rock thankfully manages to avoid the subjects of pie, smelling and animal body parts while talking to Michael Cole.

    Main Event, WWF Title Match: Kurt Angle (c) vs. The Rock: Champ enters first because he's jobbing. They mouth off a bit and Angle tries a SHOCKING SWERVE by swinging with his title belt, but Rock ducks and smacks him around. Angle hits him low to turn the tide, but Rock catches him off the ropes with a sweet Russian legsweep . He doesn't follow up, however, and Angle clobbers him moments later and chokes him down in the corner. Angle Sucks chant briefly fires up, and Rocky charges out of the corner, but Angle takes his down and locks in the Olympian Ankle Lock. Rock makes the ropes and Angle kicks at him as he tries to get up.

    Rocky fights back but Angle knocks him down and hits a pair of SWEET belly-to-bellies off the ropes, but Rock catches him with the EXTRA LOOSE BELLY TO BELLY OF DOOM. Both down, and they slug it out as they get up. Rock with a missile lariat, and he hooks up the Sharpshooter, but Angle makes the ropes. Samoan Drop gets two, and Angle hits a death suplex and goes upstairs. Rocky lays into him and superplexes him down, which gets two. Angle reverses Rock into the ropes and sends him to the floor, and Rocky jams his ankle on impact. Angle follows him out and throws him back in the ring, and goes for the leg, but Rocky DDTs him-and Big Shows's music hits. Not to go off on one here, but WHAT THE SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP IS THAT DISGUSTING TUB OF GOO DOING DOWN HERE TO RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD MATCH?!?! Urrrrrgggghhhh....

    Show climbs in the ring as quickly as he can and chokeslams referee Mike Chioda, then does the same to Angle and the Rock and leaves. Show, you fat pile of shit, if you EVER stick your nose in a match like that again I will personally pay someone to bump you off. Time White and The Earl Of Hebner come out to help Chioda to the back while Angle covers Rock, and Hebner rolls in and gets a two count. Hebner rolls out again to help Chioda, and Rock grabs Angle's title and nails Angle for two. Both men up slowly, and Angle gets the ankle lock again. Rock drags his ass to the ropes, but Angle yanks him back into the centre of the ring and yells some VERY unpleasant language at him.

    Rock finally makes the ropes again, and Angle works the knee some more. Rocky mounts a mini comeback, and Angle knees him in the gut. Angle off the ropes, and Rock nails the Roody Poo spinebuster and People's Elbow...for two. Rock pulls himself to his feet and stomps Angle in the corner, but Angle nails him in the nads again and removes the top turnbuckle pad, then throws Rock into it. Olympic Slam gets a close two, and Angle loses it and stomps a mudhole in him, kicking his bad leg out from under him. Irish whip attempt, but Rock reverses and sends him crashing chest-first into the TINY EXPOSED STEEL RING OF DEATH. Rock Bottom, and Hebner screws up and says Angle kicked out, so Rock hauls Angle to his feet and hits another NASTY Rock Bottom for the three count and his RECORD-BREAKING sixth title reign at 16:55. Rock celebrates, and Angle weeps on the ramp.



    Analysis

    BEST MATCH: Triple H Vs. Austin, without a doubt. Can't go higher than ****3/4 due to the lame ending and a couple of blown spots early on, but this was an awesome combo of wrestling and brawling. Can't help but think that it would've been SO much more swanktacular as Foley Vs. Triple H, though. But that ain't gonna happen.

    COFFEE BREAK: Sadly the opener was a shitty prelude to an otherwise supoib pay-per-view. Big Show just pisses me off every time I see him now.

    MVP: I'd say Triple H gets the dukes here, because he really held it together with Austin. I think we know who carried who here.

    FINAL THOUGHT: Can't lose here, I'd say. If you didn't catch the repeat, find the tap, because they kicked it into first in preparation for X-Seven. One minor note-Well It's A Big Note, actually. STOP TRYING TO GET THE BIG SHOW OVER. The fat useless mess is probably less marketable for Billy Freakin' Gunn, for God's sake. He is tinking up EVERYTHING he's involved in, and the fans don't give a rat's ass about him-and if you let him squash Raven again, you die.

    Other than that, a fine effort. Mail me at quoththeraven99@hotmail.com, and I'll see you real soon!

    Ian Challis

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