Well, here we go again with another trip into the Land of Extreme. I was going to Q&D this, but CRZ kinda beat me to it. Of course you know this means RECAP. But before we do, there's a couple of things I'd like to cover.

3-8 FOR N2R2K: Like Cyrus said, you could use your format sheet for toilet paper on this one. In addition to the impromptu Simon/Swinger vs. York/Matthews match, two of the matches did not take place as advertised, because Paul E.'s EXTREME! Bad News: Jerry didn't retain the title. Good News: At least it's not back around Alpo's waist.

THIS WEEK'S SIGNS THE TWILIGHT OF EXTREME IS UPON US: By "this week" I meant the week before the PPV, but that didn't quite fit, see. ECW cancelled the Texas house shows, just when I could organize a party to go to one. As I write this (12/9/2K), I shoulda been coming back from the Houston ECW show. Note to Paul E.: Get the national TV deal, get those shows rescheduled, and make sure your top talent gets paid. Also, Jerry Lynn was at the SmackDown! taping in his hometown of Minneapolis, talking over his options with Good Ol' Jim Ross. Jerry, the Wiffer's got talent to spare. Don't jump until you're sure ECW's going down the crapper for the last time.

In the back, I PAID TO SEE STEVE CORINO BLEED and CAPTAIN HIGHSPOT are talking about how happy they are to be here in midtown Manhattan. "For the first time in the career of the King Of Old School, I'm walking in the World Heavyweight Champion for a pay-per-view. Not only am I walking in the World Heavyweight Champion for a pay-per-view, I'm walking into the most famous wrestling city in the world... New York City! And I think back to all the great champions who got to defend the World Heavyweight title in midtown Manhattan. You think of... Bruno Sanmartino. 'Buh-beeh-buh-beeda-butta.' God, he sucked! Then you think of Pedro Morales. Guy's on welfare now!" The usual (low) ECW production values cause ring announcer Steven D'Angeles's voice to bleed in as he announces the Dynamic Duo. "He can't even get a green card, he's hiding from the INS! And then you think of Bob Backlund... Now wait a second. I have nothing to say bad about Mr. Backlund. I mean, the guy's insane. He did a shoot run-in in Poughkeepsie! I mean... but most importantly, we voted for him! And then I think about all the other great champions that didn't get to perform here: Tommy Dreamer, Tazz, Ric Flair... WHOO--*coughcoughcough* And I think about how fortunate I am to be the World Heavyweight Champion. So Justin Credible, Jerry Lynn (ya big crybaby), both of you are coming after the World Heavyweight Championship, and I'm prepared to do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to keep this gold around my waist! If I gotta take your cane, Justin, and wrap it around Jerry's head, well, then fine. If I gotta write the word 'die' on Justin's chest instead of Jerry, doesn't matter to me either. I'm 'a do whatever it takes to keep this World Heavyweight Championship, because I'M THE TOUGHEST BASTARD IN THIS ENTIRE LOCKER ROOM!" He then turns to Jack Victory. "You don't want the belt, do ya?" "No, man. It looks good on you." The rest of the promo continues in this vein, until Corino begs Victory for a "highspot" and Victory ultimately gives him one. The vignette lasts a bit too long, and I'm pretty sure a director's voice got through.

WE ARE LIVE from the Hammerstein Ballroom in NYC, with a crowd of howling Demographic, no turned-down lighting, and still no RVD, as he sprained his knee beating up on Thai stuntmen making Black Mask 2. Sign in crowd: "NEW YORK IS THE WHOLE F'N SHOW". Your hosts for this evening's festivities are JOEY STYLES and WELL WELL WELL IT'S...

"I always win the bedroom battle
I kick it like a cowboy, I slaughter them like cattle
And a Stud Muffin never kisses and tells, so I would never tattle
But your mom does some pretty outrageous things with a pacifier and a rattle

Because I'm not just her babysitter, I'm her power hitter
The Quintessential Stud Muffin, the lyrical miracle
And the sexual intellectual" JOEL...

"Every woman's impassioned infatuation, across the whole entire nation
They like the pulsation, but they love the penetration
And I can sense (I can sense) your frustration
Because all you get is masturbation
You can use your imagination, or I can give you a demonstration..." GERTNER.

*deep breath* *ECW Wrestling* EXTREME *RVD thumbpointing* CHAMPIONSHIP *RVD Five Star Frogsplashing Scotty Anton* WRRRRRREESSSTTLLLLIIIINNNNGGGG!!! *RVD Van Daminatoring Buh Buh Ray (damn) Dudley* *RVD nailing Rhino with the Van Terminator* *Rhino posing on the turnbuckle* *Rhino piledriving Mrs. Fullington through a table* *Rhino Goring Sandman through a table* *Rhino Goring Kid Kash* *York and Matthews' Future Shock on some guy* *The Sinister Ministry says reading is fun-damental, especially if you play with matches* *Mikey tilt-a-whirl hotshotting Tony Mamaluke on the ropes* *The FBI with Too Damn Big Sal E.* *C.W. Anderson thumbslashing his throat* *Steve Corino getting in Fred Durst's face* *Balls Mahoney powerbombing Angel through a flaming table from N2R2K* *Dawn Marie -- finger lickin' good!* *Balls chairshotting two random jabrones* *Tommy Dreamer Dreamer Cuttering Justin Credible from two ladders from Guilty As Charged 2K* *Kid Kash's muhfuh midair rana on EZ Money* *Kid Kash's tope on the most of the ECW locker room* *Simon, Swinger, and C.W. pose* THIS... IS EXTREME *New Jack's balcony dive from Living Dangerously 2K* *Sandman crushes a beer can on his head and wastes beer* *Kid Kash's springboard rana on EZ Money* *Doring and Roadkill's rope stand* *Justin Credible is NOT Bret Farve* *Francine gives Dawn Marie a Face Full O' Stuff* *New Jack lays out Dangerous Danny Daniels with a cookie sheet at AR2K* *Francine's oh-so-diaphanous dress from N2R2K* *Steve Corino, your current ECW Champion, but for how long?* *ECW Wrestling* ECW THIS IS EXTREME ECW THIS IS...

A CRZesque dissection of the opening montage, y'all. *whew*

SIMON DIAMOND (with THE STICK) and NUMBER 398 ON THE DVDVR 500 are walking out to the ring because they got something to say. Joey lets all of us who don't get Hardcore TV in their areas know that Joel's wearing the sling tonight because of Simon, Swinger, and C.W. Anderson. Simon makes with the promo: "New York City!" (Crowd: "You suck dick!") "Simon and Swinger HAVE A PROBLEM! Tonight, in the City That Never Sleeps, Swinger and I are going to put to rest Joey Matthews and Christian York!" That was refreshingly short. Anyway, here come JOEY MATTHEWS and CHRISTIAN MATTHEWS (if your name is Joel Gertner) to get this match started.

SIMON DIAMOND/JOHNNY SWINGER vs. CHRISTIAN YORK/JOEY MATTHEWS - Some other music hits and here comes SIMON DIAMOND'S SO/JOEL GERTNER'S MUSE, in tube top, SHORT skirt, heels, and carrying papers. Joey asks for all the non-smar(t/k)s in the audience what she's doing out here: "I'm the straight man, it's my job." Joel: "If you hang out with me and Joey Matthews and Christian York at Scores, you won't be straight anymore. Well, you'll be straight. You'll be violently heterosexual, as a matter of fact." Joey then takes aim at Florida vote counters. Dawn Marie commandeers THE STICK from Steven D'Angeles: "I know you're all happy to see me. I'm happy to see me in the morning, too. But you know what? I need a man." (Joel: "PICK ME! PICK ME!") "Actually, after thinking about the past few months here in ECW, one man just isn't enough. Because I'm way too much *woman* for just one, (Joel: "Who told her to go shoot?") that I need two. So I have a... proposition. (Crowd: "Show your tits!") Well, that would be the obvious answer, right? But anyway, I have a managerial contract for two men that can.. um, step up to the plate, to fill all of my desires (Joel: "Joey, c'mon, tag with me, be the Missing Link or something!"), all of my needs (Joey: "Kim Chee to your Kimala, is that it?"), and... all that I could want. Now, that includes my mind for the wrestling business. So, I want you to start and look at this contract, because this isn't just for me--" York loses the handle on the contract and Dawn Marie helpfully bends over to get it, which gives Matthews a free peek under the skirt. Matthews then helps Dawn Marie through the ropes, and prompts York to get himself a peek. Dawn Marie announces that this is a Winner Gets Dawn Marie For Their Manager Match, and Simon and Swinger attack from behind while the faces stare at the pretty lady. York gets sent through the ropes, Matthews shot into the ropes, double gorilla press drop from Simon and Swinger. Matthews ducks the double clothesline, York pulls Simon out of the ring, kick to the lower body on Swinger, who responds with Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Simon enjoys the STEEL guardrail as York slides back in, Future Shock on Swinger. Simon comes back in to taste a double kick to the gut and a double suplex. Sitout dropkick to the head from York, followed by a Matthews legdrop. "Blind" John Finnegan orders Matthews out of the ring, leaving Simon to taste both turnbuckle and York's fist before reversing a whip into the opposite corner, kippup by York, Simon tosses York over the ropes, who lands on his feet, Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine from York. Swinger comes over on the apron and lands an enziguiri! High kick from Simon sends York to the floor and into the tender mercies of Johnny Swinger. STEEL guardrail for York before being rolled back in. Stomp, tags Swinger, punch, Swinger with a kick, Russian leg sweep gets 2. Rear mount punches from Swinger. York gets a shot in but gets whipped into Simon's boot for his trouble. Simon tagged in, double arm wringer, and was that a double version of the Flatliner/Downward Spiral I saw? Either way, it only gets 2. Brief round of chain wrestling ends in Simon's Series (Northern Lights suplex, snap suplex and sitout front suplex). Simon gets his pose on and calls for Swinger. York being held for a top turnbuckle clothesline, but he wriggles out and it hits Simon! Atomic drop from York which Simon sells by landing face down. HOT TAG TO MATTHEWS! Hot tag punches for both, Simon lifted up and dropped into a Golotta! Hanging neckbreaker for Swinger, Simon clotheslined out of the ring. Matthews tosses out Swinger as well, suicide dive through the ropes! (Crowd: "ECW!") Right, right, right, right, right, right, and a boot from Simon stops Matthews. Simon collects Swinger, only to eat a springboard plancha from York. Swinger rolled back in, ten punch countalong stopped at five as Swinger puts York in the corner only to get Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmyboot. York stands up, only to get crotched on the turnbuckle as Swinger finds a use for Finnegan by pushing him into the ropes. Right from Swinger, another one, Matthews comes over only to get a jawjacker for his trouble. Matthews staggers right into a Simonizer from Diamond! Simon and Swinger looking for a double superplex, but Matthews gets right back up, crotches Swinger on the top rope, uppernut for Simon, leads to a sunset flip powerbomb by York! Swinger dragged onto the turnbuckle, top turnbuckle huricanrana by Matthews, York with the Rebel Yell -- 1, 2, 3. (5:38) And Joey Matthews may have hurt himself on that rana, as York and Dawn Marie celebrate. York turns to check on his partner, only to get horse collared and eyeraked by Dawn Marie! Simon and Swinger shoot York into the ropes, Problem Solver! Gertner leaves the booth to check on Joey Matthews, while Dawn Marie has a moment with Simon -- the SHOCKING SWERVE may have been acting, but that kiss ain't acting. PLAY THEIR DRAIN STH SONG!

Joey Matthews leaves the ring under his own power as we cut to...

AMERICAN GIGOLO 2K and SAY CHICKENSSS ALREADY are in a dressing room to tell us that despite this being a Titles vs. Team Future match they have coming up, they didn't go to the House of Hardcore and pay their dues only to get tonsorial service from the FBI, because they've worked too f'n hard. Doring: "Tonight, we leave this room as hungry contenders, but we're coming back..." And Roadkill says something besides 'chickens': "CHAMPIONSSS!" The last time we had a match like this, the belts changed hands. Makes you wonder...

MICHAEL BOLTON (with godawful tights, the Cash Money Jobbers & Elektra) vs. BALLS MAHONEY - EZ Money enters and takes the stripper thing farther than it should be taken as he pulls down the Godawful Tights to reveal a thong. Now, did EZ Money channel Billy Gunn, or Dennis Knight? We semi-mercifully cut to the broadcast booth where THE DON OF HEELDOM takes his usual PPV post. Hot Commodity clears the ring for Balls's entrance. Balls be mad over, yo. Collar elbow tieup to EZ Money headlock and crowd giving us the second "You suck dick" chant of the night. Balls shoots Money into the ropes only to be on the losing end of a shoulder block (WTF?). Back into the ropes, hiptoss by Balls. Nice arm drag takedown by Balls as he takes his technical skills out of mothballs. Money with a finger to the eye, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, Money turns around into the Balls punchalong. Money on the ropes, but gets out of the way of a flying shoulder tackle (or spinning leg lariat, if your name is Joey Styles) and Balls goes sailing to the floor to be met by the rest of Hot Commodity, who wale away and set him up for a Money top rope plancha! Hamrick rolls Balls into the ring to get stomped on some more. Money sets up Balls in the corner, turnbuckle, right, right, whip into opposite corner reversed, kippup, caught, Balls looking for the Nutcracker Suite but Money slides free, shoots Balls into the other corner, wild swing ducked, Balls with a belly-to-back suplex, cover, 2 count from referee "Blind" Mike Kehner. Money sent outside the hard way with a clothesline, Balls climbs the turnbuckle and responds with a plancha of his own! "ECW" chant as all four men lie in a heap, with Balls favoring his right leg. Balls rolls back in, Money tries to follow, flips out of the suplex attempt, clothesline ducked, boot to the midsection by Money, whip into ropes reversed into a short-arm clothesline by Balls that leaves Money flopping. Balls going up top, New Jersey Jam misses! Hamed-esque flip back into the ring by Money, Money Clip gets 2. Stomp, blatant choke, not so blatant choke as the crowd chants EZ Money's name... his recap name, at any rate. Balls picked up, put back into the corner, right, right, right, right, right, blatant choke, gnaw. Flair chop, whip into the other corner, runs into a Balls elbow, and then a Balls boot. Yet another ducked clothesline, Money with a jawjacker. Money goes to the top, but gets crotched. Superplex by Balls, but only gets 2. Balls up, Money slow getting up. Crowd lets us know where their priorities lie: "She's got herpes!" Crowd too busy insulting Elektra to join in on another Balls punchalong. Whip into the corner reversed, Balls jumps up, attempts a sunset flip, stopped, Money In The Bank! 2 count, according to Kehner. Money goes up top as Joey channels Dusty by saying "pay window". Wonton soup by Money finds only canvas. Both men up, Balls superkick gets a 2.6 count. The shirt comes off, and Balls is looking to do some chair-swinging... rears back, Hamrick grabs the chair, jump side kick by Money! 1, 2, Balls kicks out! Money on the second turnbuckle, hoping to land a chairshot of his own, Golotta by Balls, who goes up top to dish out more punishment. "I was discussing herpes treatments with Elektra" Mike Kehner misses Hamrick and Julio Dinero swarming Balls... second turnbuckle neckbreaker by Dinero, Confederate Crunch by Hamrick, top rope asai moonsault by Money, 1, 2, 3. (7:54) Heel beatdown ensues, but is that the Beastie Boys I hear?

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S JUST NOVA rushes in for the save, hot punches for all, knee to the gut for Hamrick, followed by a whip into the ropes and a sloppy looking jump front kick. Clothesline takes down Money, Hot Commodity regroups outside the ring, only to get Dinero tossed onto them as "Blind" Jim Mollineaux looks on. Nova going up top to a decent pop... top turnbuckle pescado on all three Commodities! (Crowd: "ECW!") Nova tells Dinero to get in the f'n ring, Mollineaux calls for the bell and we are underway...

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S JUST NOVA vs. LOOK AT MY ABS - Shoulder to the gut by Nova, right, right, Dinero staggers into the corner. Whip into the other corner, jumping double knee lift by Nova, Sledge-o-Matic! Meanwhile, Balls is up, has his chair, and is about to let EZ Money know how he feels about getting screwed out of a victory. EZ Money running scared, but Julio is back up with some rights for Nova. Weak "You suck dick" chant. Whip into the ropes reversed, but Dinero slides out of the ring, spingboard dropkick to Nova by a waiting Hamrick in full view of "Blind" John Finnegan and "Blind" H.C. Loc, who joined in to keep Balls at bay. Dinero back in, Vertebreaker, Mollineaux remembers he's officiating this match and counts, 2 count. Right by Dinero, another right, whip into the corner reversed, Nova charges into a spinkick. Julio going up, moonsault only gets 2. Cash Money Elbow by Dinero, and a "look at my abs" pose. Kneedrop, sloppy cover for 2. Nova back up and trading blows with Dinero, Irish whip reversed into a short arm elbow followed by The Stroke, but that only gets 2. Dinero argues with Mollineaux before resuming the offensive, arm wringer to short arm clothesline, and that looked like it hurt Dinero more than it did Nova. Blows traded, Nova invented that, by the way. Dinero sent into the corner, Nova charges into a elbow, haymaker by Dinero ducked, more brawling. Nova flails away on Dinero in the corner followed by some stomping. Nova lets Dinero back up, enziguiri to the shoulder blades (or the small of the back, if you're Styles). And the offense just keeps getting sloppier by the minute. Cover, 2.75. Dinero slips out of the powerbomb attempt, Nova waistlock, Dinero goes to the ropes, rolled up by Nova, kickout at 2 and Nova sent forward into a chair thrown in his face by EZ Money. Jump side kick, cover, 2 count only. Suplex by Dinero reversed into the Spindoc! Nova staggers to his feet, only to get manhandled and flipped off by Elektra. Mollineaux misses all this since he's discussing currency exchange rates with Chris Hamrick. He, of course, also misses a Kryptonite Krunch on Elektra, which gets an "ECW" chant from the fans! Nova going up top, top rope leg drop over Mollineaux and the carcass of Elektra. Cover, but Mollineaux's tending to Elektra and doesn't see EZ Money and Hamrick swarm Nova. Double pullover pancake on Nova, and Balls has seen enough. CHAIRSHOT OF F'N DOOM on Hamrick, who gets no props for taking it protected while the other Hot Commodities take it unguarded.. Down goes EZ Money, down goes Dinero and HARD! Swanton bomb by Nova, Mollineaux turns around, 1, 2, 3. (5:59) PLAY BALLS'S MUSIC! And THESE ARE EXTREME replays of Dinero getting tossed into his stablemates, Hamrick's springboard dropkick that from this angle hardly touched Nova, the enziguiri (I'll be damned, that WAS more to the middle of the back), and the Kryptonite Krunch on the girl.

GET THE BELT OFF RHINO ALREADY is in the locker room, seething in such a way that makes one want to say "Switch to decaf". He's here to tell us that you haven't seen hardcore towns until you've been to Detroit, that NYC and Dudleyville are fulla pussies, he's sick of Spike interfering in his matches, and he only let Spike live so that he can destroy him in this match, yadda yadda yadda.

Joel Gertner's done checking on Joey Matthews, which leaves him free to shill some prevert pix of Dawn Marie in the shower and Jasmin St. Clair available at ECWwrestling.com, not to mention Dose Damn Dudleys back in ECW for one night only, December 15; other future show dates, Guilty As Charged 2K1 yadda yadda yadda.

TODAY'S FBI (with Fat Bastard Sal E. Graziano) vs. DASTARDLY DANNY DORING/ROADKILL in an ECW Tag Team Titles vs. Team Future match - That "woah-ohhh" you hear is for the towel boy wiping down the ring ropes (you'll see it next match). Champs enter first because their team's future is secure. God, Doring is ORANGE tonight. Crowd gives the FBI the obligatory "Where's my pizza?" chant. Doring and Guido to start it off. Joey takes this moment to namedrop the Human Commentary Machine and the Vanilla Midgets. Guido opening with a bitch slap of Doring, who pulls away and charges, only to eat a Fujiwara armbar to front face lock to side rollover pin which gets 2. Both men back to vertical base, crucifix from Doring for 2, Doring jumps a low swipe from Guido only to catch a backhand in his midsection, snapmare by Guido into a head scissors, but Doring gets Guido turned and turns the move into a bow-and-arrow pin for 2. Boot by Doring caught, ducked clothesline, ducked clothesline, duelling dropkicks and both men back up to a round of applause. Northern Lights takedown by Doring, mounted punches-in-bunches. Chopfest, Mamaluke tagged in, who also gets taken to WHOO BY GOD Flair Country. Arm wringer, HUGE POP for Roadkill. Tag to Roadkill, Amish finger to the eyes. Irish whip, Tony tries to get out of a slam, but gets dropped on his ass. Both men back up, armdrag by Mamaluke into an armbar. Gorilla press drop by Roadkill, followed by an elbow from the second turnbuckle. Doring tagged in, right by Roadkill, Irish whip, Doring leapfrogs Tony, Dirt Road Slam by Roadkill! Guido takes to the air, only to get caught into a bearhug by Roadkill, which leads to the Lancaster Lariat of Lust. "Blind" John Finnegan gets confused about who's legal, which leads to a brawl on the outside between Roadkill and Big Sal. Top turnbuckle plancha to tornado DDT on the concrete by Tony Mamaluke gets an "ECW" chant! Doring goes up top, Finnegan gets in a conversation about Emeril Lagasse recipes with Big Sal, and a chairshot to the back of Doring by Guido. The FBI drop Doring on the STEEL chair from the turnbuckle, Tony covers, 2 count. 3 rights from Doring, but the boot is caught -- UGLY Dragon Screw legwhip by Tony. Yet Doring gets back up to eat a dropkick. Snapmare by Mamaluke, who stops to taunt Roadkill and take a cheap shot before nailing a Mafia kick on Doring. Guido tagged in, second turnbuckle sitout dropkick to the mush which will get 2. Guido puts the boots to Doring, and we get the spot in which one man running in to make the save means a bigger asswhipping for his partner. Doring sent to the corner, kippup into a rollup for 2, and Guido responds with a schoolboy for 2. Elbow, Italian leg sweep, only gets 2. Mamaluke tagged in, body blow, Doring eats turnbuckle. Italian uppercut, Doring sent into the corner again, kippup caught, Doring dropped on his face. Tony then has a matter of urgent importance for "Blind" John Finnegan, Guido goes up, SICILIAN SLICE! Guido covers, 2 count. Armlock on Doring, followed by boots, and the legal man gets tagged back in for the FBI. Italian uppercut, Italian uppercut, third one misses, G-Spot Sweep! HOT TAG TO ROADKILL! Barn Burner on Guido, who lands on his feet for it. Amishbomb on Tony, and a baseball slide for Big Sal. Roadkill gets airborne from the top rope and kills Sal E. Graziano dead with a plancha! (Crowd: "ECW!") Back in the ring, Doring with a bodyslam on Mamaluke. Doring going up, but gets crotched by Guido. Tony going up for a bulldog, but gets a Golotta. Doring drops Mamaluke with a move pulled from his ass, but only gets 2. Doring double underhooks Tony, Joey reminds us that stipulations are adhered to in ECW-land, Guido with a tag belt, I hope Doring likes WAFFLES! Rollup with bridge by Tony, 2 count only! Roadkill up on the apron as the Italians put the boots to Doring. Double Italian whip, Doring baseball slides to safety, but the double flying clothesline by Roadkill misses. The FBI waste no time... double Fujiwara armbar on Roadkill. Doring back in, Tony breaks the hold to see to Doring, and gets sent over the top rope. Superkick knocks Tony off the apron onto and over the STEEL guardrail! (Joey: "Oh my God!") Guido now goes over to Doring and sends him over the toprope, onto the timekeeper's table, which doesn't break. Clothesline by Roadkill ducked, waistlock, reversed, reversed again, Guido looking for the Kiss of Death, won't get it. BUGGY BANG! Doring covers, 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new Tag Team Champions. (9:13) Pose with those belts, boys. Cyrus says "troglodytes" as Tony Mamaluke has to be assisted backstage.

Replays of the top turnbuckle plancha/tornado DDT, the battle between Big Sal and Roadkill, and the Buggy Bang.

COMMISSIONER SPIKE DUDLEY is backstage with a halfway decent Rhino impression, and some choice words for the ECW TV Champ. Spike also names a few big men he's beat in the past that no longer wrestle in ECW: Bam Bam Bigelow, 911 (now Sgt. A-Wall), Curtis Hughes, and Dose Damn Dudleys (which he beat at the same time).

And as promised, the towel boy wiping off the ring ropes to the "whoa-ohh".

LIL' ARN vs. TOMMY DREAMER in a "good ol' fashioned professional wrestling grudge match" - Sign in crowd: "CW = Can't Wrestle". C.W. interrupts the ring announcer and takes THE STICK: "C'mon, Dreamer! C'mon, let's end this tonight, you New York pussy! COME ON, DREAMER! FIGHT ME, PUNK! COME ON!" Steven D'Angeles wisely takes the stick away from C.W. as the diatribe continues, punctuated by C.W. hocking a loogie into Tommy's face. Which means C.W. is so f'n dead. C.W. turns around to pose, and Tommy decides to show him right then and there how he feels about being spit on with a right. Right, bootbootboot in the corner (crowd: "Fuck him up, Dreamer, fuck him up!"), rake to the eyes. Irish whip reversed, hip toss blocked, backslide escaped, clothesline ducked, culminating in a Dreamer neckbreaker. Anderson extends the hand, which Tommy takes and promptly twists around into a headlock and Russian leg sweep. Tommy gets innovative with an armbar to headscissors neck stretch, and C.W. rolls out and answers with a left. Left, left, elbow drop misses. Mutated hip toss/armdrag by Dreamer and he cinches on the armbar again. Dreamer slaps C.W. around and gets some kneelifts for change. Irish whip by Anderson reversed, short arm by Dreamer into a single arm DDT. Anderson rolls out and gets his arm wrapped around the STEEL ring post the hard way. Once more into the STEEL, and Dreamer rolls Anderson back in. Arm wringer, shoulder blocks, another arm wringer. Psychology? From DREAMER? Tommy looks for a hammerlock slam, but Anderson escapes and wrenches that tender left arm of Dreamer's. Superkick by C.W. sends Dreamer down. Stomps to that shoulder as Anderson continues to sell the left arm. Dreamer tossed over the top rope onto the STEEL guardrail. Whip into another STEEL guardrail, and Dreamer crotched on the same rail. Left from Anderson sends Dreamer back down. Camera follows C.W. getting chairs as Dreamer juices (currently at .3 Muta). Anderson setting up a chair in the STEEL ring post, threads Tommy's left arm in there, and Pillmanizes it with a second chair! "C'mon, you piece of crap, you want some more? Huh?" Another whack with the chair. Left from Anderson, gnawing on the busted open forehead. Left, left, and now Anderson tastes the STEEL. Chairshot ducked, but Dreamer piefaces the chair into C.W.'s mush. And Dreamer takes this fight to the People... punch punch beershot ECW chant. Dreamer's suplex onto the concrete reversed, and gets a "Holy Shit" chant! More brawling on the way back to the ring. Anderson rolled in, Dreamer tosses a chair in, and Anderson hotshots Dreamer's arm on the top rope. Anderson sets the chair on Tommy's shoulder and stomps away. Anderson with a variation on that armbar/headscissors combo, but Dreamer finds the ropes. Again with the C.W. gang sign. Dreamer sent into the corner shoulder first, reverse... oh, let's call that move a reverse single-arm DDT. Tommy trying to shake the bees out of his arm as C.W. sets up the chair between the ropes. Irish whip reversed, sending Anderson into the chair headfirst! Anderson again with the arm wrench and sets up the chair in the middle of the ring. Crowd starts another "fuck him up" chant as Dreamer crotches Anderson on the chair. Elbow drop off the second rope onto C.W.'s crotched form! Dreamer gets innovative and asks for the ring towel. Towel around Anderson's neck, and Tommy uses C.W.'s face to clean the top rope with, getting "whoa-ohhs" as he does so! Tommy having fun, but Anderson right back in it with a superkick. "Blind" Mike Kehner removes the chair from the ring as C.W. has issues and is looking to make the towel boy pay. Towel boy whipped into Dreamer, Anderson charges, but Dreamer lifts the towel boy and Anderson charges right into the towel boy's boots. Towel boy gets out while the getting's good, Dreamer tornado DDT from the second turnbuckle! First cover of the match, Anderson gets out at 2.8. Meanwhile, HE HAD POP is stalking the ring area and bitching out the towel boy, shoving him to the floor. Dreamer drags Lou E. to the apron by the hair, C.W. charges with a left but Tommy gets out of the way. C.W. narrowly avoids hitting Lou E., but Dreamer catches him with a gutshot and is looking for a piledriver. Lou E. in, CELL PHONE SHOT! DDT on Tommy by Anderson, and here comes PAUL E. DANGEROUSLY to show Lou E. how to do the cell phone shot properly! Anderson turns to rough up Heyman, but Dreamer is back up, grabs Anderson... Spicolli Driver! Cover, Kehner just now getting back in the ring, Anderson kicks out at 2.85! Irish whip reversed, Anderson looking for the Spinebuster, Dreamer looking for a Dreamer DDT, ultimately reversed into an Anderson Ferris Wheel! Cover, Dreamer kicks out at 2.4. C.W. going for plunder, gets a couple of chairs, charges Dreamer in the corner, and misses. Dreamer ties Anderson to the Tree of Woe, stacks the chairs to an ECW chant, high angle dropkick to the chairs and face. Weak "Holy Shit" chant from the Demographic. Dreamer with a piledriver, and he's going for the timekeeper's table. Dreamer sets up the table but does not set up the legs... sidewalk slam onto the table. Tommy going back up top, only to get a chair thrown in his face by Anderson. Anderson superplex onto the table splinters it some, cover... Tommy escapes at 2.9! Anderson gets another table, sets it up. Mild "Sabu" chant from the crowd, Dreamer back up, Tommyhawk! Dreamer gets innovative yet again by resetting the table with the legs pointing up... Dreamer looking for the Spicolli driver on that table, Anderson escapes, clothesline ducked, SPINEBUSTER THROUGH THE TABLE! Cover is academic.. 1, 2, 3. (16:47) Anderson can barely stand up to make his gang sign as Dreamer very slow getting up. THIS IS EXTREME replays in abundance: Anderson spitting in Dreamer's face, the armbar/headscissors submission attempt, crotched on the STEEL guardrail, double chair Pillmanization, suplex on the concrete, the one man Veg-o-Matic, C.W.'s face being used for a ring towel, Dreamer's tornado DDT, the cell phone shots, Spicolli driver, high angle dropkick, chair tossed into Dreamer's face setting up the superplex on the flat table, and the Spinebuster on the "wrong" face of the table.

In the back, THE SINISTER MINISTRY is wondering who Super Crazy's Tag Partner To Be Named Later will be, and if the Padre will make it to the show. Mikey is playing with a devil boxing puppet while Tajiri answers it in Japanese and English. Mikey: "Last I heard, he was in some funny farm or something..." A chuckle announces the return of the Sinister Minister from injury: "Don't pay the rent, Mikey, call it off! I escaped." Mikey is dumbfounded. Vandenberg shows off the injured hand: "You didn't think I was going to let a little... stigmata keep me down, did you? Mikey, they say one flew over the cuckoo's nest. I THRIVE in it!" And with a group hug, we are back to Sinister Ministry things once more.

RHINO vs. LITTLE SPIKE DUDLEY for the ECW TV Championship - Sign in crowd: "MIKEY + TAJIRI - BRING ME THEIR HEADS". Champ enters first because he has caffeine jitters. Spike enters and promptly jumps up on Rhino's head and rains down blows. Boot, looking for the Acid Drop early, and Rhino tosses him off like a rag doll. (0-1) Spike sets up, and spears Rhino down. (Joey: "Did Spike just Gore Rhino?") Drop toehold by Spike, boots to the inner thigh, leg drop on the leg. Rhino decides he's sold enough for Spike, gets back up, and rains down rights of his own. Full Stone Cold Salute from Spike! Rhino's clothesline ducked, tripped by Spike, more punches. Rhino throws Spike off him, gets back up, and punches Spike right back. Single leg takedown by Spike, but Rhino throws him off again and boots him out of his ring. Rhino follows, whips Spike into the STEEL guardrail. Cyrus makes a crack about dwarf tossing. Rhino throws Spike into more STEEL and follows, only to taste Spike's boot leather. Spike tosses a chair into the ring, but Rhino catches him and drops him on the timekeeper's table, which does not break, but the legs on one end buckle. Spike rolled back into the ring, and Rhino goes to get a chair of his own. Chairshot to the head of Spike. THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! (sure, the saying may be past its prime, but it fits) Rhino tossing more chairs in the ring, another chairshot. Stomping on the head of Spike who is at .2 Muta right now. Rhino dragging Spike to the corner and making a show of tasting Spike's blood. Hey, Rhino, write 'die' on your chest in his blood while you're at it. More stomping, and Rhino wraps Spike's bad leg around the ring rope and wales on that for a bit. Rhino sets up a chair and tosses Spike face first into it (Crowd: "BORING!"). Rhino goes to the ropes to bitch out the crowd, then turns around to get a chair thrown in his face from Spike. Rhino rolls out of the ring, top turnbuckle flying chairshot from Spike. Somebody tries to start an ECW chant and fails miserably. Spike tosses Rhino over the guardrail and goes over to gnaw on his forehead. Weak ECW chant from the crowd here. We lose the action in the Demographic for a bit, but the mics clearly pick up an "oh shit" from somebody, can't tell who. By the time we see wrestlers again, Spike is doing a balcony dive onto Rhino to give the crowd the first real excuse this match to chant "ECW". Spike now at .5 Muta as he shows Tommy Dreamer how he should've performed the beer shot last match. We're back around the guardrail, and Spike is showering Rhino with chairshots. Rhino rolled back into the ring, covered, Spike only gets a 2. Side headlock on Rhino, who punches out of it. Forearm shot, Rhino whipped into the corner, Spike follows, and gets a drop toehold into the turnbuckles. Boot to Spike's gut, Rhino going for a gorilla press, but Spike squirms free, kick, looking for the Acid Drop again, and this time gets dumped onto the timekeeper's table, which breaks! (Crowd: "ECW!") "Blind" Jim Mollineaux goes to check on Spike, and Cyrus wonders if the match should be stopped, while Rhino rolls Spike's carcass back in, covers, but only gets 2.6. Right by Rhino, Irish whip, clothesline ducked, and Rhino Gores Spike! Crowd chants "GOLDBERG" at Rhino as Spike rolls out of the ring. Spike back up with some more chairshots for Rhino, the last on right on the knee, and Spike tapes Rhino's leg to the bottom rope. Edge of the chair to the knee! And again, and again, and again, and one more time before Rhino decides he's sold enough for Spike this match. Rhino grabs Spike, rolls around, rear naked choke on Spike and Rhino is wrenching it in. Mollineaux raises the arm of Spike and it falls for the third time. (KO 9:53, 0-2 for Acid Drops) WHO THE HELL BOOKED THIS CRAP? You expect matches like this to have some kind of exclamation point. A move that says "BOOM! He ain't getting up from that one!" Sure, Tazz has the Tazzmission, and Kurt Angle can call it a chokehold all he wants, but it's an acknowledged finisher. There was no exclamation point to this match, just a simple, brutal, completely anticlimatic chokeout. You may now puke all over your shoes, but I see Spike's already done that to Rhino. Crowd boos and Mollineaux having trouble getting Rhino to let go. Rhino does let go, only to get the chair and swing it at Spike some more. More refs come in to stop the beatdown, but Rhino goes out to get a table because he's constitutionally incapable of wrestling in a PPV without Goring somebody through one. Rhino sets it up, looks to grab a hold of Spike, but settles for "Blind" Mike Kehner. PLAY HIS MUSIC ONE MORE TIME! Joey tries to get the camera to cut away from the scene of Spike lying in his own vomit while the surviving refs and EMTs see to him. Cyrus: "The people want to see it." Joey: "Can't we deport you to Canada?"

THIS IS EXTREME replays: Spike going into the timekeeper's table the first time, Rhino's big right hand, a double replay of the balcony dive, the Gore, Spike taking the chair to Rhino's leg, and the decisive chokeout.

Prevert Pix! Get 'em while they're hot! Get 'em while they're buttered!

STEVE CORINO and JACK VICTORY are stoked for the main event, even though Corino's not dressed out yet. In comes CHRISTMAS CANDY FRANCINE: "Steve, where's your belt?" "You know I never leave home without it, right here, huh?" "You know what, I just wanted to come over here because I thought you might need a little warm-up before the pay-per-view." Corino says he already took care of himself, but Victory chimes in, wanting to "get himself over". Francine leads Victory over into the back, and we hear another knock on the door. Corino thinks for a moment, and decides he's got some time to kill, might as well get himself over as well. He tries knocking on the bathroom door, but Jack's in no mood to answer. And without even an establishing shot, here comes ALPO MONTOYA, who promptly nails Corino with a kendo stick. Credible continues the punishment, using boots as needed. He then knocks on the door. "Come on, we're done." A loud scream is heard from the bathroom, and Francine walks out, licking her fingers and looking for all the world like the cat who just ate the proverbial canary. "Sharp teeth," she says, "are a BITCH." "So are you." Corino and Victory are left writhing in pain as we go back to the arena. What exactly the sharp teeth were used on is left as an exercise for the interested and sufficiently gutterminded student.

YOSHIHIRO TAJIRI/MIKEY WHIPWRECK (with The Sinister Minister) vs. SUPER CRAZY/? - Sign in crowd: "TAJIRI IS GOD". Crazy not even waiting for his player to be named later as he rushes the ring and gets stomped. Elbows by Tajiri to the head of Crazy. Blatant choke by Mikey, as Joey wonders who the mystery partner is...

Is that Kid Rock I hear?

Big pop for KID KASH as he rushes to Crazy's aid. The Sinister Ministry regroups as Kash and Crazy work out who's going to be the legal man to start this contest proper. Or maybe they were checking out the cute girls in the balcony. We'll never know, because as soon as they make up their minds, Mikey clubs Kash from behind with a forearm. Left, Irish whip, Kash flips out of the sidewalk slam! Clothesline ducked, but a shoulder block takes Kash down. Mikey into the ropes, hip toss by Kash blocked, counter hip toss blocked as well, Kash flips out of the arm lock. Kash's clothesline ducked, ducks a Mikey clothesline, waistlock and Mikey hangs onto the ropes on the rollover. Mikey laughs to the crowd, but doesn't see Kash until he hits a springboard sunset flip, which gets 2. Both men back up, Mikey ducks a clothesline to hit a Russian leg sweep. Leg drop by Mikey as Joey tells us Mikey can wrestle in any style. We've come a LOOONG way from the days of Champion Without An Offense. Mikey picks up Kash, Irish whip reversed, and Kash with a hurancanrana! Both men now on their knees in a staring contest. Shoving match, and Mikey tags in Tajiri. Tajiri slow getting out, and both he and the crowd want Super Crazy. Kash obliges with a tag. Crowd: "LUCHA LIBRE!" Crazy with a kick to the knee and a whip into the ropes, Tajiri answers with the handspring elbow! Crazy kippups, back to a staring contest. Kick and whip by Crazy, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, Tajiri kippups. Tajiri now gets the crowd on his side for the moment as the Demographic is digging this. Test of strength, kick by Tajiri, Northern Lights suplex with bridge, which he rolls out of before "Blind" John Finnegan can even count, monkey flip by Crazy, both men back to a vertical base, sounds like the world's longest run-on sentence, doesn't it? Factor in mind both men are doing all this while their fingers are laced in the test of strength! 'Rana by Tajiri ends the test of strength. WIFTY duelling armdrag sequence from Tajiri and Crazy gets a standing O from the Demographic! (ECW chants this match: 1 so far) After a while, Crazy takes a hard kick (.7 Tajiri) right to the midsection, and goes down. Tajiri hauls up Crazy to a "fuck him up" chant, boot, boot, buzzsaw kick, boot to the quads, and Tajiri is feeling creative. Tajiri sticking Crazy's head into the ropes as if to hotshot, but puts on a Sharpshooter (!), and lets Mikey lower the boom with a guillotine leg drop! Kash has seen enough, tries for the save, but takes .8 Tajiri to the head. Kash dragged over to his partner as the Padre gets some chairs out. Kash and Crazy's heads set up as filling for a DOUBLE DECKER CHAIR SANDWICH! (ECW chants this match: 2 so far) Forget Dreamer, never mind Nova, these guys are the real Innovators of Violence. Mikey and Tajiri tying Crazy and Kash to the Tree of Woe... there's a boot for Crazy, axe kick to the err, little Kash. Baseball slides forthcoming, and find nothing but air! The Ministry regrouping outside, Crazy takes them both to the floor with a springboard asai moonsault! (ECW chants: 3 so far) Crazy hauls them back up for Kash's Poetry in Motion tope! (crowd: "Holy shit!") Mikey and Tajiri rolled back in, Kash and Crazy follow. Simulatenous Irish whip reversed, boots to the midsection by Tajiri and Mikey, clothesline for Kash, .6 Tajiri for Crazy. Boot to Crazy, Kash double whipped into the corner, but springs up onto the second turnbuckle. The Sinister Ministry charge into Kash's boots, and get wiped out by a springboard corkscrew plancha! Mikey and Tajiri set up into the corners, simultaneous countalong punches: UNO, DOS, TRES, QUATRO, CINCO, SEIS, SIETE, OCHO, NUEVE, DIEZ! Kash adds "once" and "doce" on Mikey, as well as some boots in the corner. Crazy and Tajiri outside as Kash Golottas Mikey. Crazy off the guardrail into the crowd! (ECW chants: 4 so far) Mikey thrown out of the ring as Tajiri is thrown back into the ring area. Crazy and Tajiri brawl as Mikey gets back in the ring, only to get punched and choked by Kash. .7 Tajiri to Kash's ribs! Mikey knocks the Kid down with a clothesline. Double Indian leg flip pancake from the Ministry, followed by a double rib-breaker. Double dropkick to a kneeling Kash's head! Mikey readies 2 chairs Foley-style, Kash is crawling toward the wrong side of the ring, stomp by Mikey. Mikey looking to suplex Kash through the chairs, but it's blocked and reversed into a falcon arrow. Kash sets up Mikey on the chairs, goes up top, but Mikey catches him with a left. Mikey follows up top... WHIPPERSNAPPER THROUGH THE CHAIRS! Crowd with its second "Holy Shit" chant of the night, and both men are down. Kash rolls to the apron furthest from Crazy (Joey: "He's more confused than a Palm Beach County, FL voter!"), Mikey goes after him... WHIPPERSNAPPER THROUGH THE TIMEKEEPER'S TABLE! Crowd with a more subdued ECW chant (that makes 5 for the match). Crazy and Tajiri decide they'd better do something, so in the ring they go, and Crazy with a Samoan drop setup into a slam. One moonsault, two moonsaults, Crazy poses... and the third moonsault hits! Cover... but Crazy remembers that neither he nor Tajiri are the legal men, and gets up. Stomp to Tajiri, Crazy asks for a chair and sets it up. Tajiri into the corner, gets sent to WHOO BY GOD Flair country. Crazy charges, looking for a triple jump rana or something, but Tajiri gets out of the way, leaving Crazy perched precariously on the turnbuckle. Tajiri pushes Crazy to the floor below. Crazy staggering punchdrunk in the aisle, and Tajiri adds to it with .75 Tajiri to the head. Joey tells us that both Mikey and Kid Kash are still down. Tajiri going up top, but Crazy right back at him with a right. Crazy goes up top... top turnbuckle bulldog! Springboard moonsault by Crazy, cover... but gets only 2! Crazy gets the chair.. lets Tajiri's head drop once, twice, but Tajiri with a surprise rollup for 2! Tajiri now with the chair, Crazy right back with a sunset flip, but Tajiri chairshots his way out right on 2. Cyrus with a spiel on foreigners, capped off with "I'm not a foreigner, I'm Canadian!" Tajiri catches Crazy in the Tarantula! Somehow, Kid Kash gets back up and nails Tajiri in the head with a dropkick. Mikey with a diving elbow to the back of Kash's head. Headbutt to Kash, picks him up and holds him for the GREEN MIST OF DOOM, which Kash gets out the way of, but Crazy doesn't! Running forearm by Mikey spills Kash out of the ring, and Mikey looks for plundah. Mikey comes up with a table and slides it into the ring, but when he gets up to the apron, Kash is right there to pull him back down into the STEEL guardrail. Tajiri with some boots to Crazy's head before he sets up the table in the ring, while we pull back to see another table set up on the outside and Mikey working over Kash. Kash tastes the STEEL, and is laid out on the table on the outside. Mikey goes up top... distracted by Crazy, and Kash is up with a left to the gut. Right, right, right... HURANCANRANA THROUGH THE OUTSIDE TABLE! Mixed "ECW"/"Holy Shit" chant from the crowd! ("ECW": 6, "Holy Shit": 3) Springboard missile dropkick to Tajiri's sternum from Crazy! Crazy polls the crowd on putting Tajiri through the table, and gets a decent pop. Crazy looking for a powerbomb, but YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB TAJIRI! Reversal DDT! Crazy hauled up by Tajiri, jawjacker, buzzsaw kicks, topped off with a dropkick to the face. Scoop slam by Tajiri on the fallen Crazy, and Tajiri gets creative once again. Tajiri slams about three chairs on top of Super Crazy, gets the table, and sets that up over Crazy's carcass. Knee to the head, Tajiri goes up... DOUBLE FOOTSTOMP THROUGH THE TABLE ONTO THE CHAIRS! (Joey: "Om my GOD!") Cover... 1, 2, 3! (18:21) And that right there was what I meant when I was expounding on the exclamation point last match. Tajiri staggering around a bit as the Sinister Ministry's music plays. Damn good match, and the crowd lets these four know it.

More THIS IS EXTREME replays than Dreamer/C.W. got, so you know this match ruled: Kash's springboard sunset flip, Irish whip to 'rana, Tajiri's handspring elbow, Crazy's tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, Tajiri's 'rana, the Sharpshooter/guillotine legdrop combo followed by Kash taking .8 Tajiri to the head, the double decker chair sandwich, Crazy taking the Ministry out with the springboard asai moonsault to the floor, Kash's Poetry In Motion tope, the Whippersnapper through the timekeeper's table that killed both Kash and Mikey, the Tarantula, Crazy catching the Green Mist of Doom, Kash's muhfuh 'rana through the outside table, Tajiri's buzzsaw combo, and the tablestomp that set the seal on this match.

And now, all the pre-PPV promos they didn't get to show you because Corino's ran long:

DA BALD REMORAS OF HEAT step off the subway. Angel: "We took the train from the Brizzonx to Manhattan, and they could've done the pay-per-view in any city in the world, but there's no place HARDCORE enough than New York [F'n] City!" DeVito: "And tonight, there's gonna be a Massacre--" "On 34th Street!" Thank God that was the only time you guys were on my TV that night.

Oh look, it's THE BLUE BOY, in a car: "You know, I just don't get it. Since the Blue Boy has gone more 'conservative', I can't get a break anywhere! Look at me! I'm in New York City, the town of Junkies and Pimps and Whores (Oh My), and I can't find action anywhere! To get laid in this town, you either have to be a freak, and... you know, for one, the Blue Boy is definitely not a frea-- and check this out! Look at her!" And sure enough, JASMIN ST. CLAIR walks up to the window looking for a Massacre. The former Blue Meanie tells her to get out of his dreams and into his car (not his exact words). Jasmin's just about to go down on Bluey when she realizes the camera's on. SHE'S THE SMARTEST VALET ALIVE RIGHT NOW!

WILL HE GO TO THE WIFFER OR WON'T HE vs. JUSTIN CREDIBLE (with Francine) vs. STEVE CORINO (with Jack Victory) in a Three Way Dance for the ECW World Championship - Jerry Lynn is the recipient of the Don Callis Fellatio Award for this PPV as Cyrus is shilling for him for all he's worth. Cyrus says he even likes Jerry's intro music, but can't place the band (It's Fear Factory, Don. Fear Factory.). I wonder who picks out Francine's dresses, because she's looking damn fine! as always. Cyrus can't stop talking about her sharp teeth now. Sign in crowd: "HALL IS HAMMERSTEIN". Champ enters last because he's OLD SCHOOL, BAY-BEE! Crowd: "We want Sandman!" Just what we needed, shades of Chi-Town and N2R2K. "The Extreme Blind Man-- err, Official" H.C. Loc orders the seconds off the ring apron, and we are underway. Credible still has that kendo stick as all three men circle. Lynn strikes first with a boot to Credible's midsection, and a caneshot for both Corino and Credible! Right hand sends Corino back down to the mat, Corino back up to take another right. Boot to Credible, boot to Corino, whip into the corner reversed, Jerry kippups, clothesline ducked, Corino with an Irish whip, tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Jerry Lynn! Boot to Credible, followed by a right hand. Justin whipped into the corner, Flair flip, running bulldog by Jerry. Credible rolls out to take a breather as Corino blunders into Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Right hand answered with a boot by Corino as he takes the offensive. Right, Irish whip, Iduckyourclotheslineyoudon'tduckmine. Credible back up on the apron but sent back down with a right. Stomp for Corino, scoop slam, kneedrop, cover gets 2. Credible takes control with a stomp to Corino's face, then a right for Jerry. Right, kick, kick, kick, kick, angry stomps, and Credible plays to the crowd. Boot to the midsection for Corino, right, right, Corino manuevers out of the corner to answer with some rights of his own. Stomps for Jerry by Corino, and Corino with a "Who Sold Out?!" yell to the crowd. Crowd gives Jerry Lynn the "You Sold Out" chant as Corino goes to work on Credible. Whip into the corner, and Credible goes over the top rope. Corino and Lynn trade rights, and Jerry sends Corino over the top rope. Cyrus gives the match to Jerry Lynn on points for the second PPV in a row as the object of his affection follows Corino out of the ring. Corino sent into the crowd as Credible comes up behind Jerry. Credible charges into a backdrop over the guardrail that he tries to flip out of, but his knee hits the STEEL. Alpo with some choice words for anyone who'd listen as Jerry goes after Corino. Corino greets him with a boot and a right, but his Irish whip into the STEEL guardrail is reversed. Lynn with an enzuiguiri for the match's first (albeit weak) ECW chant. By this time, Credible's walked it off, and he's back over the guardrail to serve a right to Jerry. Alpo then puts Lynn's head into the STEEL before working over Corino. Lynn and Credible trade blows for a bit, but Corino's back in the ring area to send a right Lynn's way. Jerry gives Corino his change, and climbs back over the guardrail as we see that the ring crew didn't bother to set up another timekeeper's table. (Crowd: "She's a crackwhore!") Corino back on the offensive, but Jerry sends him into the crowd on the other side of the arena. Second weak ECW chant as Credible seizes the initative and sends Lynn into the STEEL guardrail. Right, boot, and Jerry Lynn rolled back into the ring. (Crowd: "And she swallows!") Head into turnbuckle, boots from Credible, Lynn pulled into a sitout powerbomb for 2! Credible gets THE STICK: "C'mon, you little bitch! Get the fuck up!" *stomp to Lynn* "You think you're fuckin' bad?" *stomp to Corino* "Who's the man, motherfucker?" *stomp to Lynn* "Justin Credible is live on your monkey... ASS!" *stomp to Corino* (Cyrus: "This is the second-best color commentary I've heard all night!") "NYC... suck this!" Credible waffles Jerry with THE STICK! Full Stone Cold Salute by Lynn! Alpo right back with a right. Jerry answers with rights, topped off with a jumping back brain kick that leaves Credible sprawled in the corner. Corino whips Lynn into the ropes and nails a Waltmanesque spinning heel kick which only gets 2.6. Irish whip by Corino, Lynn looking for a crucifix, settles on a sunset flip for 2, rollup by Corino gets 2, Credible with a sunset flip of his own on Corino for 2, backslide by Corino gets 2, Jerry Lynn with a sunset flip on both Corino and Credible (!) for 2, but Corino and Credible back with a double rollup which (wait for it) only gets 2. Lynn sends Corino down with a clothesline, Irish whips Credible, double clothesline and all three men are down. Corino back up on 6, Bionic Elbow for Credible! Lynn whipped into the corner, but he mounts the turnbuckle. Corino charges into Lynn's boot, coast-to-coast tornado DDT! Corino dragged into the center of the ring and covered, but escapes at 2.4. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine on Credible, right, boot, looking for the Cradle Piledriver, but Alpo, too far off balance, flops into the corner. Jerry with a suplex on Corino-- that is, if Corino hadn't flipped out. Old School Expulsion reversed into a reverse DDT -- cover only gets 2! Credible back up, beats Lynn's head into the turnbuckle, right, right. Lynn sent for the ride into the corner, kippups, body scissors on Credible, flips over, 2 count only! Credible clothesline ducked, waistlock, standing switch, Lynn with 2 elbow strikes, Irish whip turned into a short-arm knee to the gut, Credible looking for That's Intolerable, but Lynn reverses it into a tombstone! Credible escapes at 2.8! Corino with a chair, but gets it kicked in his face by Jerry. Sign in crowd: "NOT JUST THE COOLEST, NOT JUST THE BEST, JUST ALDO". Lynn with the chair and looking to Cradle Piledrive Corino onto it... and does so! Jerry posing over a prostrate Corino as he has a few choice gestures for the playa hatas in the Demographic, but here comes ol' Christmas Candy herself to hit on him in the figurative sense. Credible back up with a waistlock on Lynn, Francine lets fly with a boot, but ends up Golottafying Alpo as Jerry jumps out of the way! Jerry with a handful of hair, but Credible right back up with a right hand that connects... with Francine as Jerry scoots out of the way again! Boot by Lynn, looking for a Cradle Piledriver, but Justin powers out. Boot by Credible, into That's Intolerable! 1, 2, 3. (11:32) FUCK. Cyrus leaves the broadcast booth in disgust. Crowd: "WE WANT SANDMAN!" Joey laments on how he goes through colormen like Spinal Tap through drummers. Staredown for a moment, and Credible and Corino start making with the trading of the blows, which Credible wins. Credible reversal-whipped into the corner and proceeds to blow a Flair Flop. Corino over with a forearm to send him to the floor. Corino with a baseball slide that finds air, but Credible with a king-sized superkick that lays Corino out! Is that a weak "BORING!" chant I hear as Credible gets himself a drink? Corino sent into the STEEL on both sides of the aisle. Credible gets himself a beer, takes a sip, and pastes Corino with it. Corino sent up onto the stage and into the STEEL mesh fence. More trading of blows, but Corino wins this time. And now Credible tastes the STEEL fence post. Corino goes into the back and returns with a ladder! Corino sets up the ladder, (crowd: "Francine Swallows!") but gets reversal-whipped into it! Ladies and gentlemen, the first real ECW chant this match. Both men back into the ring, Credible sets up a chair. THE CROWD IS CHANTING "ALPO"! Waitaminit, that was only "Aldo". Never mind. Irish whip by Alpo reversed, and Corino rips a page outta Scott Levy's playbook. Corino back to get the ladder, and sets it up in the ring. Right to Credible, followed by some Old School Gnawing On The Forehead. Corino looking to suplex Credible onto the ladder, but Alpo with an uppernut before responding with a suplex of his own onto the ladder! Cover, but Jack Victory pulls Corino to safety and gets into a shouting match with H.C. Loc. Corino tossed out of the ring, and Credible decides to take this one (along with his kendo stick) to the people! The action gets lost in the Demographic, but just follow the black suits. We're on the 2nd floor balcony now and Corino is winning this brawl so far. Sign in crowd: "I'M BUYING WCW". Corino with rights, but Credible answers with a caneshot! Credible picks up Corino, bodily hauls him over the guardrail, and caneshots him down to the crowd below! Our second real ECW chant this match picks up steam as Credible's at .2 Muta. Credible makes his way downstairs to collect what's left of Corino. When we see both men again, Corino has hit one of his nationally famous bladejobs (currently at .5 Muta) and is tossing Credible back over into the ring area. Corino wobbly as both men now back into the ring. And now they're trading blows on an extended tour of WHOO BY GOD Flair Country! We can hear somebody in the Demographic audibly shout "Corino, you pussy!" halfway through the chopfest. Credible sets up the ladder, one last Flair chop for Corino, followed by That's Intolerable! Cover, Corino escapes at 2.9! Small "OLD SCHOOL!" chant as Corino gets another Flair chop before being sent into the ladder again. Credible follows up with a high crossbody, but it only hits the ladder! Credible still on his feet, but not for long... Old School Expulsion! Cover... 1, 2, 3! (26:50) PLAY HIS MU-- err, METALLICA! Note that one song got more of a pop from the Demographic than the entire match did.

Anyway, here comes ENTER JIM FULLINGTON, UNOFFICIAL BUDWEISER SPOKESMAN down the aisle in full sail, looking to cane that ass. CANESHOT OF F'N DOOM on Victory splinters the cane on impact! Corino sent to the mat in one shot, and the Sandman follows with 12 more! Sandman chucks his ruined cane and grabs the title belt in one hand and THE STICK in the other: "YO!! You might be the ECW Heavyweight Champion, but now, THIS BELT IS MINE!" Ladies and gentlemen, we have an attempted heel turn. One that seems doomed to failure, I might add, for the same reasons as turning The Rock or Stone Cold heel would go over in Titanland. Who's gonna boo either of those three men? Certainly not this crowd as Sandman reaches for a cold Bud. Corner stand for a bit while Joey searches for an answer, and the Sandman now going over to the other corner to drink, crush the can, and spray out what beer he didn't swallow. Sandman leaves the ring through the crowd, which is singing along with James Hetfield at War Emergency Volume (sorry, E.C.). We're on the third floor as Sandman pours a few lucky fans some brewski.

Our last look at the Land of Extreme comes from outside the Hammerstein Ballroom, from the When-Life-Gives-You-Shit-Make-Shit-ade Department. Jerry Lynn is leaving in a huff, but Cyrus stops him. "Another screwjob, huh, Jerry? Another screwjob! Huh? They fucked you again, didn't they? THEY FUCKED YOU AGAIN and I told you they'd fuck you, huh?!" "Lemme guess. Let me guess -- another pimp who wants to keep all my money." "Maybe one time in your life you should have the pimp working for you instead of you working for the pimp! Huh? What do you think about that?" "Well, now that you put it that way... you got yourself a whore." "Jerry, my boy, we're all whores in this business. Lemme tell ya..." Ladies and gentlemen, our second heel turn of the evening. Don Callis's characters work best when applied in the sense that when you sign on with him, you're not selling out, only buying in. It was bad enough that Jerry Lynn lost the title at N2R2K, but this angle with Cyrus seems to hold some promise. Look for the match with RVD around Living Dangerously 2K1 (if the promotion's still around by that time).

Our Farmclub.com highlights package is set to Marilyn Manson's "Disposable Teens". Watch the show if you can, y'all. A national TV deal may depend on it.

Final Thoughts on 34th Street: Perhaps it's best summed up by the Penny Arcade (www.penny-arcade.com) strip that came out the day after Massacre aired. Of course, they were talking about the demo for American McGee's Alice that had come out that night, but with the proper editing... "This [Alice demo/ECW PPV] sucks!... No, wait! It's awesome!... Dammit, now it sucks again!" "Maybe it just sucks *really well*." I couldn't help thinking that Massacre on 34th Street sucked really well. Sure, it was entertaining, but N2R2K blew it out of the water as far as ECW PPVs go. Of course, I'd've had Spike win the TV title and Jerry Lynn win back the World title. What, you wanted everything from a wrestling booker? Seeing as how I graduated with a business degree, I could understand the decision to keep the title with Corino, what with Jerry Lynn establishing a possible Plan B with the WWF and all. Doesn't mean I have to like it, but there it is.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT: Tajiri/Whipwreck vs. Crazy/Kash
INJURY REPORT: Steve Corino -- 2 black eyes, bruised shoulder
Nova -- blown eardrum

Scattershots: