|Guest columnist: Kirk Wagstaff|
It's time for... WWF Backlash! There's the TV14 logo, sponsored by Gastrol GTX! We are LIVE from the MCI Centre at Washington DC! Unless you're watching on Channel 4! Over 19,000 in attendance! Tonight, your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler.
Yes, we're watching on Channel 4 in the UK, and it's our only option - you don't want nothing to do with 'em, CHANNEL 4 SUCK.
And here come the fireworks! And lets take a look at all the fantastically WITTY signs the WWF fans have for us! I remember when I was just a little boy, and you could scroll around the arena and see just about five signs at the most! And then I thought the WWF would never change... Now there's always some marks with signs that would embarrass like likes of Madonna. Let's see now... Slut. Felix is gay. Pootang pie. Bwahahahah! You guys should have your own show!
Tonight, The Rock faces Triple H in the long awaited rematch, with special guest referee Shane McMahon! I'm sure he's gonna do his job properly tonight, you know how trustworthy he is an' all. Jericho faces Chris Benoit for the Intercontinental Championship. Big Show will be dressing up. Scotty 2 Hotty will be getting down. Buh Buh wants to put Trish Stratus through a table! The thousands of males in attandance want to put her on a table! It could all happen tonight!
Eh? Who? DEBRAis out! With puppies! Apparently she's the guest ring announcer! And that is a very COOL set - lots of swinging hooks - you'll have someone's eye out with that!
Tag Team Championship: ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (w/ Tori) vs EDGE & CHRISTIAN. Debra ABSOLUTELY SUCKS on the mic introducing both teams. She sounds like a spoiled little kid. There's X-Pac and Tori's stance. Er, Tori, you're supposed to be the other way round. He and Road Dogg have two words for ya. The bell rings. X-Pac and Edge start. Grapple, X-Pac with Edge with a headlock, go behind back into the headlock. Edge with a hammerlock. Arm drag takeover sends Edge to the other side of the ring. Grapple, Edge in off the ropes, sends X-Pac down with a shoulder block. Spinning heel kick by Edge. Tag to Road Dogg. Kicks. Edge executes a beautiful hurracanrana, followed by a clothesline. Tag to Christian. Irish whip sends RD into the corner. Uses Edge as a step and kicks Road Dogg in the corner. For 2. And another 2. Eye poke by RD. Tag to X-pac. Kicks. Exchanging rights. Whip, powerslam by Christian. Kicks in corner. Christian attempts the 10-count punch in the corner, he only gets to three. RD interferes on the apron with a rope choke that nearly took his head off. Throw to the outside. RD whips Christian into the steps. Back in the ring, Road Dogg has him in a headlock, Christian in desperate for the hot tag. And he got it - but the ref didn't see it. Double team in the corner by X-Pac and RD. Broncho buster! And all this time the ref is blind. Snapmere takeover by RD. Two BIG kicks to the back of the neck. Rear chinlock. Two elbows counter, rights by Christian, kick, ducks a clothesline, Road Dogg still manages to bet his WIBBLY WOBBLY rights in. Shake rattle and knee drop? Apparently by JR. 1, 2... Edge interrupted the count. Irish whip, mid-air collision. And both are out. X-Pac gets the ref's attention enabling Edge to execute a crap headbutt from the top. Christian with a cover. 1, 2... Tag to X-Pac. Double back suplex - Christian lands on his feet - DOUBLE REVERSE DDT! HOT TAG to Edge - who destroys everybody. Rights for both opponents - powerbomb for X-Pac for 2. Road Dogg takes Edge up the poop chute and attempts the pumphandle slam - Christian interrupts it. Maritano attempt, X-Pac with a spin kick. Spear by Edge! Tori is on the apron, grabs Edge setting him up for X-Pac, Edge ducks and Tori gets locked. Roll-up by Edge! That should do it - 1, 2... No! Rights by Road Dogg! Tori and Christian are on the outside, RD with a pascato off the apron. X-Factor on Edge! But the ref is more interested with what's going on on the outside. Edge has the ring bell - WHACK on X-Pac! He's OUT! Cover by Christian - Road Dogg can't reach - 1, 2, 3 (9:24). Edge and Christian retain the belts. Debra screws up: "The winners of the worl' rasslin'... World rasslin' federation tag team champions... Edge, and Christian..." Bwahahahah! Let's... What... Channel 4 have made their first mark - X-Pac IS bleeding, that was a good blade job too... but there's a mosaic effect over it. I LOVE YOU CHANNEL 4!!! ***
And now there's an ad break on Channel 4, great...
A limousine pull up in the back. Its... Stone Cold doesn't wear those shoes... Its... THE ROCK!!!!!
Light Heavyweight Championship: SCOTTY 2 HOTTY vs DEAN MALENKO. Malenko has the NEW Lightweight belt. It's now in black. Scotty with rights. Whip, elbow. Irish whip, back body drop! Clothesline! 1, 2... Scotty is firmly in control - no he's not - Malenko with a powerbomb... Scotty rolls out, arm drag takeover by Scotty! For 2. Rights. In the corner. Irish whip reversed, waistlock, go behind, headlock, Scotty with a huge back suplex! He's MOONWALKIN'. JR confesses he tried the worm, and he fell over. Those crazy guys! There's a big patch of X-Pac's blood on the canvas, Channel 4 better do somethin' about it! Rights by Scotty. Whip, on the rebound, Scotty didn't get to do the bulldog as Malenko clothesline him. Head to the buckle. On the outside, back to the apron. Throws Scotty back in. Exchanging blows. Dropkick to the knee by Malenko. There's "a torque on the ankle". Malenko is working away on the legs. On the post too. Scotty gets up whilst in an ankle manoeuvre, the Enziguri is ducked, elbowdrop by Malenko. STILL working away on the legs. Kick to the knee sends Scotty flying. Kicks. KNEEBREAKER! Enzigui by Scotty! But Malenko comes back with more leg torture. Baseball slide to the ankle. Kick to the ankle. Spinning toe hold? Malenko gets shoved off into the buckle followed by a quick roll up - 1, 2... Malenko with a right sends Scotty down again. Irish whip, Malenko with a tackle of some kind takes them BOTH to the outside. Malenko on the apron, Scotty with a sneaky pull of the legs sends Malenko face first into the apron. Scotty to the top, Malenko catches him. Superplex! Backslide by Scotty for 2. Texas Cloverleaf? Inside crable counter. 1, 2... Whip to the buckle, Malenko catches him on the rebound with a back suplex. Powerbomb attempt, Scotty slips out, bulldog. There's the set up for THE WORM. My, would that look crap if Malenko moved out of the way! JR: "Scotty scores with his worm." Holy shit JR, we're watching Channel 4 you know! Malenko pushes Scotty into the buckle and rolls him up, using the ropes, but the ref spots him. 1, 2... Suplex by Scotty slips out - and that went wrong. Waistlock, go behind, elbow misses, Malenko with a knee to the gut. Beautiful tiger driver/powerbomb combination. Irish whip to the buckle, on the rebound - powerslam! Whip, arm twist counter, Scotty with some kind of drop over the ropes, but he himself gets choked! Malenko goes to the rop. Scotty catches him. What's this? Eh? DDT from the top!!!!?!?!?! Holy CRAP! 1, 2, 3 (12:58). This was no Malenko/Ultimo Dragon classic, but it was comfortably inside thumbs up territory. *** 1/2
Judgement Day is coming...
Vince and his crew are backstage with Patterson and Brisco. Shane shows off his new ref shirt, I'm sure you'll agree - he looks great! Vince has something brewing, and it's not a fart: "All hands on deck." Looks like this main event will be carnage.
THE APA vs BIG BOSSMAN & BULL BUCHANAN. I think it's safe to say no one gave a rats ass about this match. Most of the 19,000 in attendance were silent during this matches nine minutes. And by the WWF's standards, the fans don't like long matches. This was an awful brawling contest. And it went back and forth on both sides of the ropes. Farooq executed a few decent moves, but that was the peak. Bossman clocked Bradshaw with his nightstick in the face, and Bull Buchanan laid this match to rest with a scissors kick from the top on Bradshaw for the three (9:39).**
That's THREE matches in a row that didn't end with a finishing move! What next!
The HARDY BOYZ are backstage, and vow to work as a team in the following 6-man hardcore match. Crash and Hardcore DON'T.
Hardcore Championship: CRASH HOLLY vs TAZZ vs MATT HARDY vs JEFF HARDY vs HARDCORE HOLLY vs PERRY SATURN. Saturn works on Crash straight away. Hardcore with an impressive powerbomb on Crash. Matt Hardy interrupted the 3 count. Taz works on Crash whilst Saturn works on The Hardys. Things take off to the aisle and they all end up following. Eh? Crash is climbing up the super structure! Matt follows. HOLY CRAP Crash nearly fell from about 12 feet up! Crash falls, on his feet. Matt Hardy - with a pascato from the super structure! "Holy Shit" chant. Guys... OOOHHH, Saturn whipped Crash into the structure, but for some reason our cameraman didn't get it. The object's broken! Jeff - hurracanrana off the structure on Saturn! Back in the ring now, Hardys work on Crash, legdrop from the top! Tazz with the wafer thin trash can lids! Double whip by Hardys. Double team kick to the buckle. Matt has a chair and lays it on the canvas. Tazz clotheslines Jeff on the chair! Saturn with a winged-submission of some kind on Crash. Hardcore thrown into the steps by Matt. This is utter mayhem! Tazz with an awesome clothesline on Crash! Hardcore with a street sign on Crash. Stop picking on Elroy you guys! Saturn with a spinning kick on Crash. Hardcore with millions of stomps on Saturn. Bodyslam on Crash on the outside. All exchange covers. AAAH suplex from Hardcore on his cousin on the outside! There's a nice view of Lillians legs. Crash with a dropkick on Tazz. Jeff has some cord of some kind. Tazz clocks Jeff Hardy in the face with that street sign! And Matt in the back! Hardcore with a rope choke on Crash. Saturn looks like he could get it on Crash, 1, 2... Tazz breaks it up. Poor Crash - he's done! Hardys have trays, and they crack everyone. Arabian facebuster on Crash by Matt. Jeff with a wonderful springboard splash! Hardcore with a superplex from the top on Crash! Saturn with a suplex on Crash. Hardcore has a chair. YOWWWW suplex/powerbomb combination on the chair. That was AWESOME! Hardys have ladders! WHACK on Hardcore. WHACK on Taz and Saturn! Irish whip into the ladder set up in the corner - YAAGH! That was great! Clothesline sends Hardcore to the outside. Setting up the ladder. Jeff Hardy on the ladder. Twist Of Fate by Matt on Crash, sets him up for the "swanton" bomb from the ladder! Great! 1, 2... Matt interrupted and covers. 1, 2... Eh... TAZ(Z)MISSION ON CRASH! TAZ(Z)MISSION ON CRASH! Saturn has a STOP sign - WHACK on Tazz! Tazz is out. 1, 2... That SHOULD have finished it. Oh no, Jeff on the top - TWO PASCAO'S TO THE OUTSIDE! Eh? 1, 2, 3... Crash pinned Tazz?!?!?! SHIT! (12:16) That was a great match. ****
SHANE MCMAHON is backstage, claiming that he's really serious about refereeing this match. Bwahahahaha!
Big Show will be dressing up... next!!!
KURT ANGLE vs THE BIG SHOW. Angle is on the MIC!!! "How fitting for me to be in Washington DC..." etc... Angle does his usual spot, implying that George Washington is a liar and a cheater. "The Big Show is a giant waste of talent". Now I *KNOW* THAT'S TRUE! What... the.... HULK HOGAN IS HERE! HULK HOGAN IS BACK! IN WWF! With his old music! Well, it's The Big Show dressed up ain't it? That was genuinely funny. "Let me tell ya somethin' brother, I've been to the top of the mountain. I got the largest pythons in the world.... So what you gonna do when the Showsta goes wild on you?" Angle starts the match with rights... HE'S HULKIN' UP! Blocks a right - WHOOMPH! BIG RIGHTS! He's the real American Hero! Irish whip - BIG BOOT! Yeahhhh.... off the ropes... LEGDROP OF DOOM!!!! 1, 2... NO! NO! NO WAY!Whip, Angle with a takedown of some kind. Working on the leg, like Malenko. "Hogan" chant. Going for a figure four? He gets kicked off. Hulk... I mean Big Show, takes the bandanna off, goes wild on Angle. Chops in the corner. Irish whip into the buckle. Elbows. Shortarm clothesline! AAAAAAHHH THE CHOKESLAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!! 1, 2, 3 (2:39). Ross just said "piss". That match gets a DUD for wrestling action, as entertainment it was good. ***
Will Trish Stratus get wood this weekend? You guys are SICK! Hey, why does Bubba keep stopping in mid air? Oh. I get it. Viewers in the UK, we are cursed...
BILLY CORGAN is here tonight in Washington! I am a fan!
THE DUDLEY BOYZ VS T&A (w/Trish Stratus). Bubba chases after Trish, and he gets caught by Test with a great big clothesline. Albert has D-Von. Irish whip by D-Von, clothesline, 1, 2... Tag to Buh Buh. Rights. Irish whip. Clothesline. Buh Buh to Trish: "I'm gonna get ya ya little BITCH!" That got huge heat. Albert has the advantage with rights. Double suplex by Dudleys. Headbutt to the groin. I'm a little confused at this whole angle. Trish wants Buh Buh, yet she's running away from him all the time? Eh? Test clocks D-Von with various clotheslines. Head to the buckle. Irish whip, D-Von with a flying shoulderblock. Rights. This is a slobberknocker. Kicks by Test. Buh Buh hasn't been in for a while now, so I guess he's gonna receive a hot tag. So the Dudleys are faces now? How things change. Double team gorilla press/splash by T&A. Irish whip, elbow. "Table" chant. This ECW? After brawling for three or four minutes, HOT TAG to Buh Buh. Does it matter who gets what? Samoan drop on Test for 2. Modified 3D? 1, 2... Powerbomb by Albert. Test to the top. He hits nothing. Cover by Buh Buh for 2. 3D signal, Buh Buh runs, and gets distracted by Trish who's on the apron. Oh for PETE'S SAKE. Test with a kick to Buh Buh's face. 1, 2, 3 (11:11). "Table" chant. D-Von gets a table. Buh Buh has Trish! Here we go, SUPERBOMB ON THE TABLE!!!! And Buh Buh has creamed his pants. Trish is carried out on a stretcher. Whaa... Channel 4.... Edit... Oh.. F... F... FU... FUCK YOU CHANNEL 4!! Why did they edit that out?! Are they just stupid? They included every "shit", every "piss", every "bitch", and "score with his worm", yet they edit a table splitting!!! Here's five replays, followed by another two later on, and every one gets edited - ooh my sore eyes! Oh don't you worry, they'll be hearing about this! ABSOLUTE IDIOCY! CHANNEL 4 CAN EAT SHITTT!!!!! **
Just had to get that off my chest...
CHANNEL 4 SUCK.
Now EDDIE GUERRERO and CHYNA are arriving, driving into the arena....
EDDIE GUERRERO (w/ Chyna) vs ESSA RIOS (w/ Lita). Dropkick by Eddie Whip, duck, sidekick! Pick up. Whip, tilt a whirl escape, followed by a tilt a whirl backbreaker. That musta hurt! Back suplex by Eddie. Kick. Arm drag. Rights by Essa. Arm drag takedown. Whip, hiptoss! Wow. Springboard crossbody to the outside misses! Face first into the steps. Throws him back in. Bodyslam by Eddie. Springboard senton bomb. Head to buckle. Throw to the outside. Chyna clocks Essa with a forearm and throws him back in. Chyna is ugly. Whip reversed, Essa with a dropkick! Top rope by Essa, dropkick! 1, 2... Neckbreaker by Eddie. Powerbomb, slip out, arm drag takedown. Off the ropes, monkey flip sends Eddie flying into the ropes. Eddie tosses Essa out. Chyna with a forearm. Whilst they replay that monkey flip we miss a springboard crossbody to the outside. Powerbomb on the outside? Lita - on top? Chyna pushes her off the top straight onto the Spanish announcers table below! Essa counters the powerbomb with a back body drop. Essa with kicks. Moonsault off the ropes onto the table outside! Great! Replay of that - and we nearly miss a dropkick from the top rope by Rios. Sprinboard plancha to the oustide! HOLY CRAP! And he's hurt. Tosses Eddie back in the ring - AND HE'S GOING TO THE TOP AGAIN. Chyna catches him, for PETES SAKE! Eddie with a superplex, and they're both out. Cover by Eddie - 1, 2... Rights by Essa. Eddie with a sloppy brainbuster. Eddie to the top - Essa catches him - ARM DRAG FROM THE TOP ROPE! I'll give him a 9. Setting him up for the moonsault - but he hits Eddies knees. Oof! Swinging powerbomb/neckbreaker! 1, 2, 3 (8:45). Wondeful match. Essa dropkicks the couple after the match. Lita - she's stripping Chyna! Down to her evening gown! Eddie likes it , and Cyhna comes around. ****
CHRIS BENOIT is backstage, claiming he isn't a robot.
Intercontinental Championship: CHRIS JERICHO vs CHRIS JERICHO. Y2K chant. Grapple into the corner. They brawl all the way backstage. Two slaps. Back in the ring, arm drag takeover by Jericho. Various brawling. Benoit with a roll up, Jericho reverses it, Benoit reverses it back... Hey... About 18 exchanged chops. Benoit with an eye poke. Whip to the buckle, splash misses. Jericho with a drop toe hold. Jericho with kicks. Rights. Whip reversed into buckle, on the rebound, three german suplexes, then Jericho grabs the ropes. Back suplex ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR! Wow! Benoit off the ropes... Topay (how do you spell that?) completely misses Jericho on the outside, that looked painful! Jericho moves the steps. Chops. Whip into the steps. Jericho jumps over, Benoit dropkicks the steps into the gut of Jericho! Yow! Tosses him back in the ring for 2. Irish whip, knee to the gut. Gutwrench. Kicks. Whip to the buckle. Kicks in the corner. Benoit says "punk". Jericho comes back with rights. Irish whip - Jericho misses a dropkick and fell on his head. Catapult into the buckle by Benoit. Chop. Front suplex into the ropes! That looks like fun! Snap suplex. 1, 2... Irish whip, knee to the gut. Whip, into the abdominal stretch. He ain't gonna quit. Rights applied. Jericho escapes with rights, and an elbow off the ropes. Lionsault! Yow, Jericho has hurt his right forearm, and that looks convincing. There's the count to 9, Jericho makes the cover for 2. Rake to the face by benoit, a chop to the corner. Irish whip to the buckle reversed, Jericho hits a kick. Spinning heel kick by Jericho sends Benoit down. Rights. Misses a clothesline. Chops by benoit. Whip reversed, Jericho with a bulldog on the rebound! 1, 2... Kicks. Chops. Whip reversed, sneaky inside cradle for 2... Misses a chop, kicks by Benoit. Suplex to the ropes, dropkick from the second rope to Benoit, but he gets swiped away. Benoit to top rope. Benoit going for the moonsault? He gets crotched. Back suplex from the top coming up... Benoit drove his body into Benoit with a big thud. That was awesome! Whip, knee to the gut, gutwrench attempt countered with a backslide? A test of strength for the backslide... Jericho with a kick into the powerbomb position... POWERBOMB! TWO POWERBOMBS! This is a great match. 1, 2... Crippler crossface! Crippler crossface! And WCW marks say that's Sids move. Jericho slowly reaches the ropes. He applies it again, but Jericho fights back with weak elbows. Leg takedown... WALLS OF JERICHO!!! Benoit is reaching for the ropes... he just makes it. Kicks by Jericho. Chops. Whip reversed, flying shoulderblock is ducked, and hits the ref - ladies and gentlemen - we have a ref bump! Benoit goes straight for the belt. WHACK on Jericho. Covers... 1, 2... JR can't believe it. Yaaa - suplex on the belt! To the top, swandive headbutt... Jericho lifts the belt and Benoit hits it... Oh, the ref saw it for the predictably unpopular disqualification (15:07). Well, that was an awesome match. Jericho puts the ref in the walls of Jericho after the match. ****
THE ROCK is backstage! He guaran-damn-tees a win tonight. "If ya smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll what The Rock is cookin'!!!"
World Championship: TRIPLE H (w/ Stephanie & Vince McMahon) VS THE ROCK (with special guest referee Shane McMahon). Triple H appears to be having trouble opening his bottle of Evian on his way to the ring. Bwahahahahah! When The Rock comes down the place goes nuts. Stone Cold isn't here yet, Vince claimed that he won't be here tonight. And he expected us all to believe it. The bell rings. Exchanging rights. Triple H gets the advantage. Then The Rock. Right right right right right. Elbow. Right right etc... Helmsley with a kick, pedigree? Back body drop counter... Rights. A taunt to Shane... Neckbreaker by Triple H! That's the first wrestling move I've seen so far this match. Back suplex by Rock - that's more like it. Right, off the ropes, Helmsley tosses him out. Head into the steps. Toss onto the announcers table. Vince then tosses Rock into the post. Triple H then brawls with Rock for a few minutes, Helmsley mainly in charge. Off the ropes, knee to the chest. 1, 2... very fast count. Rights, suplex. 1, 2... 1, 2... 1, 2... Stop covering damnit! Sleeperhold, into a rear chinlock, for about three minutes. 1, 2... Rights in the corner. Rock tosses him onto the middle buckle. Look at poor Stephanie. Rock back in control with rights. Irish whip, DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! They're both out. Vince - Vince just clocked The Rock with the belt! Rock is OUT! Cover... 1, 2... Rights in the corner, switch - Rock is laying the smack down! Clothesline! Whip to the buckle... reversed, Rock gets it into the same corner and goes over the top to the floor! Cracks Helmsleys shoulder on the table. Whip, back body drop countered with a face buster. Kick by Rock. DDT!!!!! Um... Shane... He GENUINELY DOESN'T see Rocks cover under his nose. Gimme a break! Rock clocks Shane over the top rope! That ain't allowed! Triple H follows and whips Rock into the steps. Helmsley has plans for the Spanish announcers table - he removes a monitor. Helmsley with rights on the table. Setting up for the Pedigree... Low blow! Yooooww! Rock Bottom on the table? Shane gets up there, hoping he'll split it up - WHAAA???? SHANE IS POSITIONED FOR THE ROCK BOTTOM TOO??? YAAAAAAHHH DOUBLE ROCK BOTTOM ON THE TABLE WHICH SPLITS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! ALL THE WAY TO THE CONCRETE!!! That was awesome - and it didn't get edited! Rock has Triple H in the corner... Vince comes up behind - Rock lays the smack down on Vince! Low blow by Helmsley, PEDIGREEEEEEEEEE!!!! It's over, but Shane's still in a pile of broken table. Vince shouts for a ref - out come Patterson and Brisco. 1, 2... ROCK KICKED OUT!!! They work on Rock too. This is an assault! Helmsley with rights on Rock. Vince gets handled a steel chair. WHACK ON ROCK! Well, sorta... SMASH. IT'S STONE COLD! IT'S STONE COLD! IT'S STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN! THE RATTLESNAKE IS BACK! WITH A STEEL CHAIR! In order from the aisle: WHACK on Triple H. WHACK on Patterson! WHACK on BRISCO! WHACK on Shane! WHACK on Vince! HOLY SHIT! And WHACK on Helmsley again! LOOK AT THE CARNAGE!!! Out come Earl Hebner and Linda McMahon. Linda shoves Stephanie over. Aw, diddums. SPINEBUSTER on Helmsley! THE PEOPLES ELBOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ebner obliges with a three count. THE ROCK - THE ROCK - THE ROCK IS THE NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION!!!!!!!! (17:23)!!! Rock celebrates... and here comes Austin towing in the destroyed DX Express with his truck... Is there heat between Rock and Austin? Naaaa... he just tosses him a beer, and they toast to the belt. ***
Well, that just about wraps up an overall great PPV! There were only two slightly bad matches, but the rest made up for that. Thanks for reading my debut PPV report. Well, that's all I gotta say about that. AND CHANNEL 4 SUCKS.