/WWF King of the Ring
|by: Marvellous Martin|
WWF: KING OF THE RING 2000.
This recap is brought to you by the message - GO SEE THE SHOOTERS
The opening clips show the past greats to be crowned King of the Ring. In a glaring and unacceptable omission, they totally miss out Mabel - someone's gonna get fired for that!
We are LIIIIIIIVE from Boston for King of the Ring 2000! Your hosts are JIMMIE ROSS AND JERRY "THE KINK" LAWLER. "Lets hope this one doesn't blow chunks!" Jim might have said if he wasn't too afraid to shoot.
RIKISHI VS. BENOIT
Rikishi disappoints me by not flipping over the ropes to enter the ring.
The FACGIME are backstage and HHH warns Vince not to lose his cool. Vince insists he is 'Joe Cool' tonight. *yawn*
We get a MOMENTS AGO clip of Benoit attacking Rikishi. Am I the only one who finds these a little patronising, especially on a PPV?
Michael Cole is in the back with Benoit - why Chris, why? He says he is the best technical wrestler in the world and no one can stop him doing what he wants to do. Who wrote this shit?
VAL VENIS (W/ RIKISHI'S FAVOURITE LADY) VS. EDDY GUERRERO (W/ THE DAUGHTER OF ANDRE THE GIANT, THE NINTH WONDER OF THE WORLD - CHYNA)
Eddy's cut his hair!! No more mullet!
Patterson complains about the outfits he has. He says he wants to look better than Patterson and look thin and sexy. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD CAN THIS PLEASE STOP?
The Coach is talking to Rikishi, he insists he's okay, and he's looking forward to beating Val's ass.
CRASH VS. BULL BUCHANAN
You know, back in prison Bull was 'King of the Rim'
Bull has new music and new ring attire. Note to the WWF producers - you can take a big fat ugly pig and dress it in the finest of evening gowns, use the most expensive cosmetics, and have it wear the finest of all wigs. The thing is, you still end up with a big fat ugly pig in a dress with a wig and lipstick on.
KotR has been BAD so far in case you hadn't guessed.
Vince is talking to Linda and droning on about everything she's done. Something about no interference was mentioned but I wasn't really concentrating. Can you blame me?
KURT ANGLE VS. CHRIS JERICHO
The caption for Angle's name includes 'American Hero' - cute.
Shane tells Vince off for not being cool.
Mick Foley is at WWF New York! Ivory is serving drinks, wow - she really has been de-pushed! JR and Jerry talk to Mick, he says the fans love his new hair cut, and he's backing Angle to win. The thank him and then HE SAYS "HAVE A NICE DAY!" YES! Geez, I'm such a fan boy.
T&A (W/ TRISH) VS. E&C VS. M&J (W/THE LOVELY LITA AND A MASSIVE POP) VS. S&B
Edge and Christian come out first. Christian pretends to play to the crowd again and somr of them fall for it, AGAIN. They unveil a special pose for Boston which involves some baseball reference I don't get because I'm an ignorant damn limey.
Scotty is in with Jeff, Scotty gains control and prevents a Jeff attack with a jumping flapjack. Scotty dances too close to Christian who tags his back. Matt tagged in too and he takes control, hitting a second rope leg drop for a 2. Double team on Christian, Edge runs in and takes a double suplex. Jeff slides outside and Christian blindsides him and throws him back in, Edge covers for a 2 count. Chinlock on Jeff quickly broken and the ref is distracted which allows Lita to hit a really good flying head scissors take down on Edge from the top rope! Jeff gets a 2 from it. Christian and Matt both tagged in, Matt hits a sleeper hold drop on Christian for a 2 count. Matt hits the Twist of Fate on Christian! One, two, th- Edge pulls Matt off! Jeff goes up top to hit a Swanton but Edge pushes him off, he then distracts Matt long enough for Christian to recover and nail Matt with the Impaler for the 3!
Grand Master Sexay and Edge are in. Sexay with a reverse neckbreaker and a middle rope drop kick. JR makes an odd comment and says that after that move he's sure Sexay's parents must be proud, Jerry agrees sheepishly, weird. Scotty is in and double hair take down on Christian and some really stupid looking double teaming by Tool Coo on Christian and Edge follow. Edge catches Scotty off guard with a spinning heel kick though and Christian does a great job of mocking Tool Coo's dancing until Sexay spits his gum in Christian's face. Scotty recovers and attacks but gets nailed with a Russian leg sweep for a 2 count. Edge in and a double falling headbutt on Scotty gets another 2 count. Christian back in but Scotty blocks two corner charges and clotheslines Christian. Both are down and eventually make the tags to their partners. Sexay is a house o' fire. Edge falls into the ropes and gets tied up, the ref stops Sexay from taking advantage however while Christian unties him. Christian then stands on the apron looking away from the ring for what seems like hours while Sexay sets up a slingshot on Edge into Christian - Sexay with the roll up for 2. Sexay then hits a pretty good powerbomb on Edge but Christian stops the count. Double flapjack on Sexay, Edge and Christian start mocking Scotty's hopping worm dance and Scotty hits them both with face jams. Edge lies prone and Scotty forces him to eat a Worm!!! Christian runs in with a belt but gets kicked in the face by Sexay. Scotty holds Edge out and Sexay legdrops him from the top rope, Sexay covers but the ref is making Scotty get out of the ring which gives Christian enough time to come in and nail Sexay with the belt. Edge makes the cover and we have NEW tag champions! Not a bad match, still rather shallow though.
Crash Holly is backstage, he says Angle is in big trouble and he's going to get Patterson and Brisco too. Does he really talk like that?
RIKISHI VS. VAL VENIS (W/ TRISHIE STRATTIEKINS)
Rikishi gets the advantage in the early going, totally forgetting to see the injured arm, doh! They go to the outside and Val goes into the steps. The crowd is dead. Back in the ring Rikishi hits a big leg drop and then hits a butt bump in the corner. Val comes back with an armbar take down. Val starts beating Rikishi down and working on the arm. Rikishi comes back with punches, Val is dazed but he ducks the final swing and hits the DDT. Val goes up top to end it, but Rikishi gets up, Val looks really pissed about that. Val jumps right into a belly to belly suplex by Rikishi and is pinned for the 3? What the hell was that? Trish runs in and jumps on Rikishi's back, he dumps her to the mat and drags her to the corner. He's about to hit a Bazai Drop (the bastard!) when Val crotches him, Trish escapes and Val pulls Rikishi back to the mat. Then attacks Rikishi's arm with the ring steps and a chair.
Ladies and Gentlemen - this tournament blows chunks.
Brisco is interviewed by the Coach. Coach is chuckling about Brisco having to dress as a woman, Brisco takes him to task for it and says the only emotion running through him is 'revenge'. Coach points out 'revenge' isn't an emotion. Hee hee.
CRASH VS. ANGLE
Early exchange favours Crash, Angle counters with a small package for 2. Crash comes back with a powerslam for 2. Crash whips Angle but his hiptoss is blocked and Angle makes the move of the night by countering with a reverse tiger suplex. Crash beaten on in the corner, avalanche clothesline by Angle, followed up by a suplex for 2. The crowd is restless, probably because there hasn't been an entrance for over 2 minutes! (that was sarcasm by the way). Crash comes back but takes a knee to the gut. Angle beats on Crash in the corner again, but Crash turns the tables on him and whips him into the opposite corner and hits an elbow. Crash stays in control with a backdrop, then hits a missile dropkick from the top for 2.5. Angle comes back, hits a top rope stunner and the Olympic Slam for the 3.
The WWF kisses Donald Trump's ass.
Kane is interviewed, he says he is going to win the belt. Interview with the Undertaker, he says Kane isn't going to win the belt. I admit I'm paraphrasing somewhat there.
BRISCO VS. PATTERSON IN A HARDCORE, EVENING GOWN, THIS WILL REALLY PISS OFF THE PURISTS MATCH
Brisco's hardcore! He's wearing heels!
I hope you won't think bad of me if I don't recap this match properly, as *funny* as the banana and Patterson pulling a maxi-pad out of his pants and rubbing it in Brisco's face was. Instead, here are two small quotes from JR uttered during the match:
"What has our business come to?"
Here is also a list of some of the wrestlers who deserved to be on this PPV instead of these two old fools:
Anyway, the torture is finally ended when Crash comes out of nowhere with a garbage can and another ref, takes both of them out, clocks Patterson with the can and gets the pin! THANK JEBUS!
THE DUDLEY BOYS (W/ A TABLE WITH TORI'S NAME ON IT) VS. THE RAPPING IDIOT, PIG FACE, AND THE FORMER MAN
So let me get this straight - DX need to put both Dudleys in the dumpster, but the Dudleys have to put all three of DX through tables? Are you tired of these stupid gimmick matches yet?
Doh! I didn't get to mention the HOMOEROTIC MOVE OF DEATH. Oh wait, I just did! Yay!
Angle is interviewed, he's going to win, then beat Triple H for the world title.
Rikishi is interviewed - he be ready for Angle sucka.
ANGLE VS. RIKISHI
Rikishi and Angle meet on the outside and start brawling, Rikishi in control. Angle rakes the eyes but then tries a scoop slam and fails. Rikishi doesn't when he tries it, and then hits an avalanche clothesline in the corner. Rikishi goes for the stinky face but Angle hits a low blow. Angle takes control with lots more punches and stomps. Rikishi is thrown into the steps on the outside. Back inside, Rikishi tries to fight back but gets his eyes raked. After another beating Rikishi comes back with a 2 whips into the corner, a clothesline and a Samoan drop. He then hits Angle with a Diamond Cutter for 2. Butt bump in the corner by Rikishi, Angle get the stinkie face. Rikishi walks away and Angle jumps up and delivers the Olympic Slam! But Rikishi kicks out! Angle tries a sunset flip but Rikishi sits on him and gets a 2.999999999 count! Rikishi makes the mistake of his career by climbing the turnbuckles, Angle crotches him on the top and after some resistance from Rikishi proves to be in vain, Angle hits a belly to belly superplex and get the three count! Some of the crowd wakes up in time to cheer, they probably heard the music and thought it was another entrance.
Vince is talking to his allies back stage, he's confident because the faces won't be able to work together as a team.
THE UNDERTAKER SITS ON HIS BIKE AND FAILS TO START IT!!!
THE ROCK WALKS TOO!!!!!!
VINNIE DA MAC, BOUNCY SHANE AND HHHHHHH W/ STEPHANIE VS.
Shane wants to start and attacks Kane from behind and runs away. Kane offers Shane a free shot at him, of course it has no effect. Shane tries to punch again and Kane catches his hand and starts crushing it, then executes a choke lift before dumping him in the corner. Shane bails out but Undertaker throws him back in. Kane whips Shane and ducks for a backdrop, Shane rolls over his back but is then clotheslined for his trouble. Gorilla press on Shane, he then goes for a chokeslam but Vince comes in. Kane grabs him too, but HHH runs in to stop it. Kane hits a double clothesline on the McMahons and Rock slaps Kane's back to tag himself in. HHH and Shane get the advantage on Rock, Shane starts beating on Rock and mocking him. Of course this prompts Rock to mount a furious come back and Shane goes to the outside, Undertaker tags Rock out. Undertaker goes to work brutalising Shane. Undertaker chokeslams Shane but Rock breaks up the pinning attempt! HHH is in and he attacks Undertaker. Undie comes back with a backdrop, then a big boot for a long 2 count. Undertaker off the ropes and nails a massive jumping DDT on HHH, but Kane breaks the pinning combination! Undertaker has words with Kane and Rock tags in. HHH tags Shane but he doesn't want to get in but gets dragged through the ropes by Rock. Rock runs to the ropes but HHH pulls them down so Rock falls to the outside. All six are outside, Undertaker pounds Shane while Kane attacks Vince - Rock is punishing HHH and starts pulling everything off the announce table. HHH fights back and he and Rock end up back in the ring. Rock hits a swinging neckbreaker, but HHH kicks and hits a Pedigree! Rock has to kick out of the pin because Undertaker missed his prompt to break up the cover - HA! HHH and Rock are both down but Rock won't tag and does the 'Rocky Stagger'. HHH clotheslines the stubborn fool and kicks him in the corner. Shane tagged in and the kicking continues. Rock off the ropes and Shane hits a jumping elbow smash, Shane starts jabbing Rock and skipping around, the last punch is blocked but HHH cheapshots from behind. Vince is tagged in, he punches Rock and then tags HHH back in, who hits a good suplex on Rock and then a kneedrop for 2. HHH comes off the top rope but gets a punch to the gut. HHH ducks a swing and hits a reverse neckbreaker. Kane breaks the pin. Vince is tagged in and he starts taunting Kane and Undertaker, Rock fights back but Vince hits a low blow and gets a 2 count. HHH is back in and Rock mounts a come back, hitting several punches and a Samoan drop. The McMahons are in, but so are Undie and Kane who take them to the outside. In the ring, HHH hits a knee to Rock's face. Outside, Kane throws Undertaker into the ring steps! Rock hits the spinebuster on HHH! He goes for the people's elbow and runs straight into a Kane chokeslam! HHH is up and he thanks Kane and pats him on the shoulder. Kane nods at him! HHH goes to taunt the fallen Rock, Kane picks HHH up and tombstones him! Undertaker pulls Kane out of the ring however and throws him into the steps and then hits him with a chair! Meanwhile Shane has climbed to the top rope to attack the fallen Rock, but Undertake is on the apron and chokeslams him off the top rope and through the announce table!! HOLY SHIT! Rock is still out in the ring, Vince goes to do the people's elbow but Rocky springs up and hits him with the Rock bottom!! Rock gets the pin! Rocky is champ! Everyone else looks really annoyed as Rock poses and nails Vince with the belt.
A FEW THOUGHTS, IF YOU WILL.
See you next time.