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WWF Royal Rumble


Guest columnist: Marvellous Martin


The Royal Rumble must be the most popular of all the gimmick matches. it is a great spectacle of so many wrestlers in the ring at one time. The Royal Rumble has always been the best PPV to introduce new viewers to the wrestling. First of all, you get to see the majority of the roster in a neat little 2 hours and 45 minutes or so. Secondly, people who have seen little or no wrestling are so impressed by the volume of wrestlers in the ring they don't really notice the almost total lack of actual wrestling. In no other instance in wrestling is simple brawling this enjoyable.

Unfortunately they are hell to write proper reports for and this is my first report ever so give me a break okay? If you wonder why the report is like it is, its because the majority of it was written while I was watching. This was partly to save time and partly to make the whole thing a bit more spontaneous. Please give me feedback because any improvements I can make I will benefit you people reading.

The build up for the Rumble this year started kind of slow but has really heated up the last couple of weeks, I don't think it would be as exciting if I didn't have the internet though. Who is Kurt Angle's mystery opponent? How many tables are The Hardys and the Dudleys going to go through before we stop caring about the match and start wondering how they are still standing? Is there any chance The Rock won't win the Rumble? Will Cactus Jack get the title before he retires/dies? Is there any way the Road Dogg won't suck? How much will I swear in this report if Chris Jericho loses the Intercontinental title? Well, considering the majority of you will have already read the quick n' dirty results, did I really need to bother asking some of those questions? Ah who cares this is MY REPORT DAMMIT! Its CRZ's fault for giving me this POWER! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA! What? Get on with the report? Sorry.

BOOM!!!!!!! WE ARE LIVE AT 1 AM (GMT) FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN BABY!!!. What a great place for my debut, I've had my hair cut and EVERYTHING! Our announcers are GOOD OL' JR (don't you think that someone who sometimes calls himself Good Ol' JR is a bit odd?) and JERRY 'THE KING' LAWLER (brought to you by HARRY'S WIGS, pro-wrestling's first choice for hairpieces WORLDWIDE). Tonight, 30 men in one ring, and a STREET FIGHT!!!

KURT ANGLE vs. ??? Kurt says he knows this building deserves a true champion. CHEAP HEAT with a shot at the Nicks. How generous, he's NY's champion for tonight. He thinks his opponent is pretty nervous, and knows this is something he can tell his grand kids about, and remember the three Is. Here is his opponent! Oh my God its JAKE 'THE SNAKE' ROBERTS! No it isn't! Its THE UNDERTAKER! NO! Its PAMELA ANDERSON! No, wait. OH FUCK IT'S TAZZ!!!! I have been SWERVED!!!!! Angle to the outside Tazz in control, suplex reversed, Angle suplexes Tazz. Punching, back in the ring, Angle is in control, caught up top, nice belly to belly superplex from Tazz and a close 2. Angle back in control. But OW a suplex barrage and Tazz clamps on a kati hajime (Tazzmission?)........ Tazz wins because Angle was seemingly choked out and the ref ended it (3:15) Wow, quick way to get Tazz over! Angle in trouble, being taken out on a stretcher? Oh dear.

My TV station just went to a break. If I miss anything during these breaks, I'm really sorry. Go find another report. NO, don't go to another report.

We are BACK.

The DUDLEY BOYS vs. THE HARDY BOYZ WHEN BOYS COLLIDE!!! (credit to CRZ for the inspiration for that). Did you see Bubba Ray go all intense and crazy on Raw? Wow. Brawling on the outside, all four in the ring. Bubba hits a full nelson atomic drop type move on Jeff. Matt moves the table B4 Jeff could go through it. Bubba goes to the outside and EATS PLANCHA!! Mayhem, then Jeff went for a jump from the guard rail and Bubba hit him in the face with the table (he didn't go through it so he is still in. Double suplex on Bubba but misses the table. The Hardys bring out..... A ladder? Both Dudleys eat ladder. Chair shot for Bubba, nasty one. Matt sets up Bubba and the ladder outside the ring and BOOM both Hardys come down on Bubba through the table! Matt was on the ladder and Jeff dived from the top rope. "HOLY SHIT" chant, cute. Bubba is still allowed to compete. I don't think Jerry and JR know the rules. Ladder set between the ring and the steps, Matt missed D-Von and went through the table, but he was not put through the table by a Dudley so he is still in. DOH! THEN he is put through a table in the ring after a SWEET super powerbom by Bubba. Hardys getting pounded. Bubba sets two tables on top of each other in an exit way in the crowd. ECW! ECW! Jeff makes the save for Matt who was on top of them. Up above the exit way, Jeff low blow and chair shot, Bubba falls through two tables. SENTON BOMB ON D-VON THROUGH THE TABLE!!!! HARDYS WIN!!!(10:18) JEFF HARDY RULES!!!!!!!!!!!! That match kicked ass. The Hardys are high-spot masters.

Angle is in a greatly weakened state back stage but thinks he is undefeated because he was choked out, he didn't submit or get pinned. Jerry agrees. SO DO I!

Oh good, its the swim suit competition. Your judges are SGT. SLAGHTER, TONY GAREA, FABULOUS MOOLAH, JONNY V., AND CLASSY FREDDIE BLASSIE. Your master of ceremonies is JERRY LAWLER. Jerry tells the Fink to get lost because these women aren't his type coz they ain't inflatable. Ha! Here come the ladieez. IVORY is unhappy. TERRI waves and jiggles. Its JACKY and she has a HAT. B.B smiles vacantly and waves. LUNA is next and she, well, she's Luna. Its THE GODFATHER OF SOUL AND THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, THE KAT who seems rather popular. ANDY RICHTER is in the house and is ALSO a judge. You thought I was going to say Andy Richter was in the competition then didn't you? Jerry asks the ladies to get started Ivory disrobes reluctantly and is wearing GREEN. Oh my, that's a thong she's wearing (this is REALLY depressing). Now its Terri and I have no idea how to describe what she is wearing. Its small and silver. Jackie is wearing even less. She waves her ass around and Jerry can't contain himself, he is jumping up and down in delight at this booking nightmare. BB is in BLUE and is, erm, ample. JR helplessly tries to commentate. Luna won't take her clothes off and shouts, didn't she attack Ivory because she didn't want to be involved?. Now its the Kat and the crowd is HOT. Its very small and made of bubble rap, the outfit that is. I could make some jokes about popping now but I won't because I'm an adult and above such things. Wait, here comes MAE YOUNG. My god that women is so far gone its not funny. My bro Ashley asks if she is on drugs, I wish I was. Oh dear this is pitiful. Mae offers to flash, and she does. Jerry screams - big CENSORED cross on the screen but it doesn't do its job. I'M BLIIIIIIINNNNNNND!!!! MARK HENRY becomes my all time favourite wrestler by coming out to cover up the senile lunatic. The Judges desicions are in. Mae Young wins the competition! WTF? Well at least they got it over with early.

Another break, SORRY.

HARDCORE HOLLY VS. CHYNA VS. LIONHEART CHRIS JERICHO Chyna looks pensive on her way to the ring. Jericho! He trimmed his beard! He has a mic! WELCOME TO MADISON SQUARE JERICHO!!!!!!! Chyna shoved out of the way and Bob and Jericho go at it with slaps. Chyna goes to the outside via Holly. Sweet dropkick by Holly on Jericho. Jericho hits that great flying forearm off the ropes. Frankensteiner attempt turned into Walls of Jericho but Chyna breaks it up. Bob dumped out via Chyna, then hits a baseball slide. Jericho from the turnbuckle to Holly on the outside. Back in the ring, the handspring elbow by Chyna then DDT on Jericho, but pin broken up. All three on the outside, Holly has a chair, ends up in his face. In the ring, Holly is down and Chyna and Jericho simultaneously splash him from the top rope. They both cover but Holly kicks out to avoid a crack-head ending. Chyna low blows Jericho, Chyna hits Holly with the Pedigree but HOLLY KICKS OUT!! Phew. Chyna on Holly's shoulders and Jericho with a cross body, two count. Superplex attempt by Jericho on Holly stopped by Chyna. Chyna does hit a superplex but Holly reverses the pin for a TWO. Chyna has a chair, hits Holly and the ref missed it. Chyna went for the Walls of Jericho!! She has a big sneer on herself as she does a good job of doing the move wrong. Jericho slams her head into the floor from behind and HITS THE LIONSAULT (just about hits it)!!! THREE COUNT! (7:30) JERICHO IS THE CHAMP!!!!! You are all spared a MX2 tantrum.

Typical interview with The Rock. Finally, the Rock has come back etc etc. When asked if there are any particular threats, The Rock says he feels threatened by Crash Holly and Headbanger Mosh and if he can get past themhe might stand a chance. I admit the guy is funny sometimes. "What about The Big Show?" asks cole. Rocky tells Cole to get some 'shut up juice'. Talks smack to Paul Wight. Commercial break. Sorry again. I'm not missing any in ring action so calm down.

Look, the Empire State Building. Nice.

THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS (W/FORMER COWBOY GIMMICKS) VS. THE ACOLYTES JR called the NAO the greatest WWF tag team of all time again (JR must have WWF SHORT MEMORY SYNDROME). Acolytes charge the ring and here we go. In the ring, Bradshaw unaffected by a Gunn drop kick, Road Dogg stunned. POWER SLAM out of the corner on Road Dogg. Mr Ass saves Road Dogg from the Dominator and Road Dogg hits those dumb punches. Clothesline from hell on Mr Ass. Spinebuster on Road Dogg but Gunn pulls the ref out and he is accidentally floored outside. Double powerbomb but X-Pac is out and eats spinebuster for his trouble. But then Mr Ass catches Bradshaw with the Lame-asser and NAO win (2:36). That was total shit on a stick. In a ring. Wearing wrestling tights.

The way things are going, we are looking at a LONG title match. The report for this one might go on a bit.

CACTUS JACK VS. TRIPLE H w/Evil Steph C'mon hit me with that Triple Hssssshhhhhh. Steph in going to the back. What's wrong? She wouldn't take a bump? Punches, Cactus in control, now HHH, now Cactus beating HHH horribly. HHH goes outside, neckbreaker on the outside by Cactus. More pain with a leg drop as HHH was draped through the ropes. Both on the outside, HHH gets hit against things, they piped in BONG when he gets hit by the bell. Then Cactus hit with the bell. JR says 'he may be dead', er yeah okay. Cactus asks to be hit and takes a NASTY chairshot but gets up and takes HHH down and leg drops the chair on HHH's face from the second rope. Cactus in control. HHH gets control on the outside, but backdropped over the railing and they are fighting in the crowd *yawn*. In the stands through the fans. They end up in the small alley-type set in the entrance way and Cactus lays down some pallets and suplexs HHH on to them. Cactus squeals at HHH and hits him with a trash can. HHH thrown about a bit. HHH comes back with a back suplex onto a trash can. Someone shouts "YOU PUSSY!". Back towards the ring and Cactus regains control, hammering him into the steps and lotsa punches. Charges at HHH and bashes his knee on HHH's head. Cactus is getting a BIG PLANK WITH BARBED WIRE WRAPPED AROUND IT!!! Oh shit. JR disapproves. HHH gets the advantage and hits Cactus with the plank lots of times in the midsection and back. My bro wants it in his face. Cactus hits a low blow and then one with the plank. Both down and then a two count. Did Cactus just hit one of the Spanish commentators? Cactus hits HHH in the face with the barbed wire and then drops it on his face, there you go Ashley. TWO COUNT? Hits him again but HHH is trying to escape but Cactus sticks the wire in his face before he gets out. Cactus in charge, HHH has a crimson mask (I've always wanted to say that). HHH laid out on the announce table. Piledriver? No, backdrop reversal. Shit HHH is bleeding everywhere - face and his legs. HHH in control in the ring. HHH has a NASTY gash on his calf. Pedigree? Reversal and a slingshot into the turnbuckle, another shot with the plank, TWO COUNT ONLY? On the outside, HHH hiplocks Cactus and his legs hit the steps. He is then thrown through them. HHH takes him down and both men struggling. HHH takes Cactus down again in the ring and hits the barbed wire plank on the injured leg on Cactus. HHH gets handcuffs from a bag Finkel is holding. Oh shit. Cactus is cuffed. HHH in control and he has steel steps in the ring. Drop toe hold on HHH and as he falls he hits his head on them. Cactus hits an improvised low blow and bites him (not down there, onhis face). HHH takes him down though. HHH has a chair and Cactus hammered on the back. He falls out of the ring. Ouch, the chair broke on his back. Cactus wants HHH to come down the entrace way, I smell something fishy. Cactus hit in the head. Cactus wants another. Then, THE ROCK JUST HIT HHH!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!! Cactus is released from the cuffs and HHH is in deep shit. HHH on the Spanish announce table. PILEDRIVER ON HHH. Table had no give. Cactus puts HHH in the ring. THUMB TACKS!!! What are the chances of HHH going in those though? Steph in out. Punches on HHH but then a Cactus charge is reversed into a backdrop and Cactus lands on the tacks!!! Pedigree!!!! KICK OUT!!! OH FUUUUUUUCK!!!! PEDIGREE IN THE TACKS!!!! THREE COUNT! HHH WINS!!!! (26:52) CACTUS HAS TACKS IN HIS HEAD!!!! I'm not surprised Mick wouldn't let his kids watch this. HHH is badly screwed up and is being stretchered out. Foley is up and is chasing HHH! He's bringing him back? Throws him off the stretcher. Plank in the face again. Cactus Jack music plays. Gee that bit sucked.

The Coach is at WWF New York. He has Linda McMahon with him. The McMahon-Helmsley era is in trouble and will be dealt with etc. Ah who cares?

Recap of Royal Rumble 1995? HBK wins. Why are they showing this? is there a reason?

THE ROYAL RUMBLE - The best way I can present this is by saying who comes in, who went out and then I'll try and include as many high points as posible. Forgive me if I miss anything but there was a lot going on.

D'Lo Brown is 1. Grand Master Sexay 2. Brawling, powerbomb reversal. Mosh 3. Kaientai invade and get kicked out. Christian 4, Rikishi Phatu 5, Mosh out, Christian out, D'Lo out soon after, all via Rikishi. Scotty Too Hotty 6. The three (Taylor, Christopher, Phatu) dance, then Rikishi turns on them and eliminates them. Rikishi dances on his own, tee hee hee. 7 is Steve Blackman (YES!). Blackman kicks, then gets caught and taken out with that piledriver thing. Blackman out(NO!). Viscera 8. Gee, I thought Phatu was big. BIG belly to belly on Rikishi and a leg drop. Scary face, man. Avalanche in the corner on Rikishi. Misses a second. Three superkicks and a shoulder charge, Viscera teeters and is thrown out. Big Boss Man 9. Big Boss Man reluctant to get in and waits for the next guy. I bet the next guy is Prince Albert. Its Test (10), he'll do :) Fighting outside, now in. The three men start laying into each other. British Bulldog is 11, beat down by Phatu. Phatu goes up to the second rope and Bulldog crotches him. Test pounding the Boss Man. Gangrel (yay!) 12. He takes time out to spit blood. Boss Man and Test double team him. Kaientai invade and get rejected again. Gangrel and Test attack Rikishi. Edge!! (w/girlie's screams) (13). Edge in trouble because of the Bulldog, recovers. Rikishi hits the second rope splash on Boss Man. Bob Backlund (?)=14. Rikishi eliminated by the other six. Edge barely stays in as Gangrel tries to get him out. 15...IS...JERICHO!!! HE ELIMINATES BACKLUND (sweet dropkick)!! Y2J! Y2J! Random fighting. Backlund exits via the crowd. Edge nearly eliminated again, this time by Jericho. Crash Holly 16. Quick look around and here are the current groupings - Test and Gangrel; Boss Man and Jericho; Crash, Bulldog and Edge. Chyna 17. Who let her in? Straight to Jericho and she eliminated him! She was on the apron and suplexed Jericho to the outside. Then Boss Man eliminates Chyna! Farooq is 18. The Mean Street Posse have invaded and attacked Farooq, Boss Man eliminated him! Is this any way to treat the former WCW world champ? Oh right, yeah. Road Dogg 19. Another quick look around - Test and Road Dogg; Gangrel, Bulldog and Edge; Boss Man and Crash. Crash narrowly avoids elimination again. Al Snow is 20. Jerry Lawler keeps saying the next guy is going to be the Rock. Boss Man eliminates Bulldog. Still in = Gangrel, Edge, Crash, Al Snow, Road Dogg, Boss Man and Test. Val Venis is 21. Sho Funaki came out again, Taka got taken to hospital because when the Boss Man threw him out last time he landed face first and got knocked silly. They keep replaying it. Lots of random brawling. Prince Albert is 22. Val eliminated Edge (BOOOOOO!). Prince Albert pounds Boss Man down in the corner. Road Dogg hides in the corner, clinging to the bottom rope for dear life. Hardcore Holly is 23 and pounds on Test, Val on Prince Albert, Al Snow attacks Crash and Road Dogg hides again. The Rock is out, finally, and he is man number 24 (I would have had him out earlier because the crowd was getting bored). Eliminates the Boss Man. Test and Val try to eliminate Rocky, now Hardcore Holly on him. Situation reversed. Billy Gunn is 25, and is hammering The Rock. Crash gets eliminated by Rocky. Lots of brawling. The Big Show is here!(26) He kicks out Test and then eliminates Gangrel. Bradshaw is 27. The Mean Street Posse is distracting him for long enough for the Outlaws to eliminate him. Kane is 28. Eliminates Val. Goes for the Road Dogg and is caught by Rocky but Rocky is quickly in trouble. The Rock escapes and goes to work on Hardcore. Big Show does a BIG military press on Mr Ass. Godfather is 29. Kane eliminates Prince Albert. Sho Funaki comes out AGAIN and Al Snow throws him out. 30 is out and its that pig faced midget X-Pac. Hardcore goes out. The Big Show takes out the Godfather, Rocky eliminates Al Snow, then Mr Ass eliminates Road Dogg, then Kane eliminates Mr Ass. Quick fire eliminations. X-Pan flung out by the Rock but Kane had the refs distracted because he was attacking the NAO. In the ring now, X-Pac, Kane, The Rock and the Big Show. Kane tries to chokeslam Show but fails then vice versa. Kane slams Big Show but gets eliminated by X-Pac. X-Pac Bronco Buster on The Big Show but gets picked up and Paul Wight gets X-Pac above his head and chucks him out of the ring. The Rock SIDEWALK SLAM on The Big Show. PEOPLE'S ELBOW (RIGHT IN THE HEART!). He goes to throw Big Show out but NO! CHOKESLAM!!! The Big Show has Rocky up on his shoulder but when he goes to throw Rocky out, Rocky grabs the top rope and flips him over to the floor. Rocky holds on to stay in and win the Rumble. (51:48 was that shorter than they used to be?) What a goddamn surprise. While Rocky celebrates though, Big Show comes back and throws him out. They play Rocky's music again and FROM NEW YORK CITY, GOOD NIGHT. Phew.

Here is a full rundown of the Rumble courtesy of the very obliging Mr T.
(Elimated by, Time)
1.D'Lo Brown (Rikishi 8:10)
2.Grandmaster Sexay (Rikishi, 9:06)
3.Mosh (Rikishi, 7:40 - 1st Eliminated)
4.Christian (Rikishi, 7:52)
5.Rikishi (All Current Participants, 21:50)
6.Scottie 2 Hottie (Rikishi, 9:06)
7.Steve Blackman (Rikishi, 10:11)
8.Viscera (Rikishi, 12:08)
9.Bossman (Rock, 36:30)
10.Test (39:41, Big Show, Longest Participation in Rumble)
11.Bulldog (Road Dogg, 31:20)
12.Gangrel (Big Show, 39:51)
13.Edge (I MISSED IT! D'OH! He was eliminated by Val Venis but don't ask me the time! - MX2)
14.Bob F'n Backlund (Y2J, 23:02)
15.Chris Jericho (Chyna, 26:30)
16.Crash Holly (Rock, 37:51)
17.Chyna (Bossman, 26:32)
18.Farooq (Bossman (w/help from Posse), 27:02, Shortest Participation (4 Seconds)
19.Road Dogg (Mr. Ass, 46:01)
20.Al Snow (Rock, 45:43)
21.Val Venis (Kane, 42:21)
22.Prince Albert In A Can (Kane, 44:04)
23.Hardcore Holly (Al Snow, 45:14)
24.The Rock (ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER, Eliminated Big Slow at 53:23)
25.Bad Ass Billy Gunn (Rock, 46:41)
26.Big Show (ROCK ELIMINATED YOU, JABRONIE, AT 53:23, Royal Rumble Runner-Up)
27.Bradshaw (New Age Outlaws (Assist to Posse), 41:02)
28.Kane (X-Puke, 50:02)
29.Godfather (Big Slow, 45:56)
30.X-Puke (Big Slow, 51:20, False Elim by Rock at 47:10 (not seen by referees)
31.Taos Funaki (Eliminated Too Many Times to Count)
Okay, so maybe I made the last one up.

Rikishi - 7
Rock - 5
Big Slow - 4
Kane - 2
Bossman - 2
X-Pac - 1
Al Snow - 1
Y2J - 1
Chyna - 1
Mr. Ass - 2 (1 as Outlaws)
Road Dogg - 2 (1 as Outlaws)
1 - Group Credit (Rikiski).

Longest -
Test (24:38 Total Time)
Bossman (23:56)

In a highly unoriginal move, I would like to present:

THE GOOD The Hardys vs Dudleys was easily the best match as Jeff and Matt put on another spot fest and the Dudleys were really impressive too. Those guys are going to kill themselves. The Tazz debut was good and gave me one of the only big surprises of the night. He was pretty over too. The street fight had some good moments.

THE BAD My TV station putting in adverts. I was really disappointed Mick left Madison Square Arena without the world title, especially as they were building it up as his dream and everything. Some of the matches were not long enough. The Tazz/Angle match was not much more than an extended squash. Its a pity because they were putting on something of a suplex surgery and it would have been nice to watch that for another five minutes instead of some stupid bikini contest. The way Cactus Jack jumped HHH after the match smacked of a cop-out, kind of like some lame apology for Cactus not winning.

THE UGLY That gash on Triple H's leg was pretty nasty. I was actually becomming really worried for Hunter in that match. The Bikini contest was a complete waste of time. The New Age Outlaws match sucked, it was way too short and the ending kind of made all the build up pointless.

THE HIDEOUS Mae Young's puppies. I'm not a big fan of dry wretching either.

That concludes my first WWF PPV report. Any feedback you have will be more than welcome. See you here next month!

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