WRESTLEMANIA SUCKED BIG HAIRY RHINO BALLS
Wrestlemania 'all day':
Ivory is a bimbo. A useless human being. Gawd. The one funny bit is where she liked Liz' dress from Wrestlemania 92 because of the scarf. Har har. But she also thought the Hogan match that day was as good as the Flair match. Argh.
No complete matches?
At least they put over the stars now elsewhere. Hmmm... 'we have the stars, and we made their stars too!' Jericho said Rey Jr's name... tsk tsk. We needed full matches, damn it. Gerry Brisco is an idiot.
May I mention that the best match I've seen in 6 months, including Wrestlemania, was on WCW Saturday Night with 3 Count vs Shark Boy and two other people I've never heard of? It wasn't a GOOD match, but it was 6 people attempting an honest to goodness good match. God bless em, hopefully they won't get jaded for another week or two.
The show itself...
SAVATAGE IS JERICHO... that sign was the highlight of the night. If you don't know who Savatage is... tsk tsk. Hall of the Mountain King and Edge of Thorns. Get those albums. NOW.
Match 1: Godfather and D-Lo vs Bossman and Buchanon.... Ice-T sure has fallen. Didn't McMahon just get done saying celebrities were unnecessary? D-Lo deserves better. Buchanon actually shows some moves. He's motivated. Not one of those hos are worth looking twice at. 'Hey mom, I'm a slut!' BEING a slut is one thing... LOOKING like one is just trash. This sucks. *1/2, all for Buchanon. Why did D-Lo do the job? SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK.
Stephanie McMahon looks like Julia Louis Dreyfus. Not bad, but I liked 'good Steph' better. 'Good' people make much better, and more fun, noises then the bad girls.
Match 2: Hardcore Battle Royal: They fucked the finish. They fucked Tazz. Every member of the Mean Street Posse is now a former hardcore champion. This match sucked. Hard. Who booked this shit? This match had one purpose... for Tazz (or ANYONE) to destroy. No, it made everyone out to be jobbers to everyone. Everyone's equal to the Mean Street Posse. Boy, are Kaentai used well or what? Yeesh. DUD. If Tazz was the champ and you get the title by beating the champ, why was Tazz only fighting 1 or 2 people the last 3 minutes? You think Tazz had a 'must get a title' clause in his contract? 'I'm sorry, Mr. Senerca, you're fucked! HAHAHAHAHAHA' I'm from Greenwich (really!)... comment from my mother.. 'But there aren't any mean streets in Greenwich! How stupid is this?' I'm not taking this woman in in 15 years and I can't afford a nursing home. Support euthanasia legislation. Please.
The Axcess feature was WAY too long for
Match 3: T&A vs Head Cheese... I laughed at the midget. Match sucked. Does anyone out there really think Trish Stratus is attractive? Really? You know, if you know what porn is, none of these women in the WWF are worth watching because they don't DO anything. Yay, you look pretty... so do the pictures in my magazine, and you're worth as much. Oh yeah, the match sucked, too. DUD. They killed the midget! OK, OK, 1/2* for the midgetkill. Stratus is an ugly woman with two crappy wrestlers. I predict a push to the moon, as usual.
Match 4: Dudley Boyz vs Hardyz vs Edge & Christian... I'll do my Z rant later. WTF? Anyone who popped for some spots in this match is normal. Anyone who thought this match was good overall is a mark and a moron and thank you for being the majority of the crowd who has killed professional wrestling. 'I can do a flip and fall down through this wood thing here'... yay. *I* can do that. There was NO 'match' here. Just some spots. Get hit, lay down 5 seconds, then get up and go to the next spot. The ending was anti-climactic. The champions were not factors in the finish... and the Dudleys are the best team of the three overall. Fuck this shit. *1/2
I stopped recording my notes so if something's out of order from here on out, go to hell.
Match 5: Catfight... Jerry's Kid vs Terri... would bring either of those women home to mother? Val has a ref's towel... how cute. At least he's not stinking up a real match. Oh look, they're wearing thongs. You can see their asses! On my nightstand at home I have pictures of women where you can see actual bush... so this really doesn't move me. Stacy's face is just wrong for some reason. Terri is plastic and therefore useless. A gimmick match, and Mae Young's broncobuster... yay. DUD
Match 6: Jerry's REAL Kid and Scotty 2 Hotty and Chyna vs Radicalz.... Yes, wrestling fans are illiterate, so instead of ending group names with an S, we'll use a Z. Going for the 'cool' guarantees two things... intelligent people will laugh at you, and boy is this all going to be REALLY dated when they have the look back at Wrestlemania 25. What's the interview segment going to be? Vince explaining how cool it was to spell like a dumbass at the turn of the millennium? Puh-lease. So let's look at this match. 3 wrestlers versus 3 gimmick performers. I know who should win. I know who will win. Do you realize if Eddy pulled a Von Erich right now the tribute would make his career more alive than it is right now? If I were Eddy I'd wonder why I didn't go to Mexico or Japan instead. What shit is this? Too Cool suck. They had potential. I have never seen them wrestle under this gimmick before (I don't watch any TV, I just read CRZ's recaps for the wrestling stuff I miss). This is shit. Chyna can do a handspring elbow. Yay. Send her to Japan. I'm out of the loop of Japanese women's wrestling at the moment but I'm betting Aja Kong would whip her into shape REAL quick. Even if it's a work, she'd KILL Chyna. Have you ever seen those backfists she throws (threw?)? 'Attitude' aside, Chyna is going to kill careers if she's pushed against the men. Especially if she squashes them. Or how about Bull Nakano? Now THERE'S a woman I'd bring home to Mom. Athletic, REAL looking, and blue hair. Meow meow, yum yum! And she could kick Chyna's ass too. ** for the work, -*** for killing Eddy. Oh yeah, your elbow looks nice Saturn... could you bother to hit it?
Match 7: Benoit vs Jericho vs Angle... Angle lost both belts but didn't suffer a single pin. Bullshit booking that makes the titles look bogus. Some good work. Passable. No drama for the pinfalls though. Benoit totally fucked that dragon suplex. **1/2
Match 8: Kane/Rikishi vs Dogg/X-Pac... Garbage filler. DUD. This is my first time seeing 'The Dance' and this is NO DIFFERENT than the Bushwhackers. I knew the Chicken wasn't Pete Rose just because it was obvious. Kudos to the WWF and to Pete for keeping this running gag going though.
Match 9: Fatal Four Way... a bunch of people with a bunch of overbooking prospects vs everyone else. Big Show dies early, as should be. A good match. No, wait, McMahon vs McMahon is more exciting and is taking precedence. Fuck this. This is garbage. The main event at Wrestlemania is a storyline and not a match. Eat shit. FUCK YOU,WWF! Ross tries to sell Vince's shaving cut as 'losing quarts' when Pete Gas and Crash Holly did good bladejobs early. FUCK YOU JIM ROSS! Foley misses the elbow to the outside badly... I'm surprised he didn't kill himself hitting that table. No exciting points here once the McMahons start pummeling each other. I KNEW Vince was turning on the Rock, just because a guy with a chair never hits the guy you think he should. I bet you on Raw it turns out that he aided Helmsley in exchange for HHH to divorce his daughter... and Steph will get mad because she liked Hunter's dick so much but is horrified he wanted the belt more than her. Who cares. This is crap. When Foley was eliminated, the match was a dead issue. Rock HAD TO WIN. Sure, I like 'dynasty' title reigns because they give a crowd prestige. I like heels because they are more freeform and entertaining than faces. But the shenanigans killed credibility of the gold, and by pinning Rocky, it deflated the crowd. Please me, or please the people, but don't fuck us both! This was a WCW level screw up. The biggest show of the year (EVER! as they said) and it was a big schmozz. Suck a dick, Vinnie Mac. Suck a dick. DUD
And that's my Wrestlemania recap. If you missed it, you're $50 richer than my mom is. If you missed it, you're lucky. Get a tape of the highlight montage at the end... it shows all the good spots from the ladder match anyway... and NOTHING happened in that match that wasn't shown there. Fuck this. I mean really.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Just because I can.
Frick frick frick frick.
Just because I want to.
If I see that this show got lots of thumbs up, I'm done with wrestling. I can deal with my brand of wrestling being unpopular, that 'the people' want flash and entertainment over a grueling match that means something. But if people who are supposed to know what they are talking about are accepting this, then my time with the sport is done.
Top 5 Wrestlemania matches of All Time:
1- Hart vs Hart 94
And Michaels/Ramon doesn't even count on my radar screen as even eligible. It was a gimmick match with a gimmick in the ring. Michaels is an awesome wrestler but notice how his most remember matches involved a ladder, a prosthetic leg, and a cage? Fuck him.
I know what I want from professional wrestling. I know what pro wrestling is 'supposed' to be. And I realize the reality of what it is. But I also know that on every single TV show, on every single PPV, on every single card in any arena... there is room for my style of wrestling. There are good workers who can do a 10-15 minute straight match. Even as an opener. Just have them there SOMEWHERE. Doing real matches. If they had changed just a few of the matches around... make Jericho vs Angle a singles match, and the IC/Euro match improves right there. Take Kaentai out of the hardcore match, and have Guerrero/Malenko vs them. Involve Chyna and this angle with the Godfather so she can beat on him and not bury a useless wrestler. If you must deflate the millions (and millions) of the Rock's brainless followers, fine, but do it clean!!!! You deflated Wrestlemania and you didn't even elevate HHH to the next level of STAR because he didn't come close to doing it on his own.
Hey, WWF, you suck and your business decline begins NOW. Because in the end, I am right and you just don't 'get it.' Your success has made you arrogant and now you've messed up Wrestlemania because of it. People will remember.
Yeah, I'm a bit bitter.