York and Matthews come down, but get attacked by Da Baldies quickly. Gertner goes to beat up Angel, but that wasn't wise, and he gets DDT'd on the bare concrete. One of these guys is bleeding already, and now we're in the ring. Double-team flapjack from Da Baldies, and now Cyrus and Jerry Lynn are out as York (I think that's York) is in the ring chopping away. Yeah, that's York, I've seen pictures of him in PWI before. York for a rana on Angel, but he gets powerbombed/missile dropkicked by Da Baldies.

I guess this is our opening match already? I don't know.

Joey finally gets on the mic, after Lynn has hit the cradle piledriver on one of those guys. Cyrus covers for three. No time for the match, and no rating. Angel and Devito are rewarded with new cigars. And I guess that's that evil referee. I don't know. I feel blind with this mess.

Cyrus says Jerry is the greatest wrestler to ever come out of the state of Minneapolis. Huh? Lynn says to the jobbers that their job is to make the stars look good, a job that was his for 12 "fuckin'" years. And he's the whole "fucking" show. And then the fans chant for one Rob Van Dam, who Lynn guarantees is not the big surprise. Lynn says he won't work anymore unless it's in the main event, because he's "JERRY...LYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNNNNNNNNN!" Wakka wakka, Jerry.

My first look at this Hot Commodity stable...color me unimpressed. Am I watching an AWF show? Roadkill starts to look like Buh Buh Ray Dudley more every day. Doring and Roadkill still have some of the swankest music that's used these days, and Elektra is still ugly as all fuggin' hell. Cyrus has joined Joey, by the way. Doring and Dinero start off. Doring's first offense is telling Elektra, "YOU FUCKING SLUT I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!" Right. Dinero with some basic stuff, and then Doring picks him up and drives him to the corner. Spinebuster-like takedown. Danny's really trying to make me think he's determind and hungry here, but it's not working. Superkick from Doring puts Dinero down. Dinero struggles with some sort of t-bone style suplex, but hits it pretty well. E.Z. Money in now. Flippy-floppy thing that does nothing but allow Money to swivel his hips. Roadkill in now, and he does his comedy stuff to start, then gets a powerslam in. Vader bomb-positioned elbowdrop, and a tag back to Danny Doring. Lancaster Lariat of Lust that sort of hits. How the fuck do you mess up THAT move? Running powerslam from Roadkill on Dinero, and Doring hits the flying elbow. Roadkill misses an avalanche in the corner, and is sent to the floor, allowing the heels a two-on-one advantage. So, instead of using that, stupid Julio Dinero gets a (really nice) plancha on Roadkill. Doring gets some crappy springboard-from-Money's back to the floor plancha on Dinero, then Roadkill goes after Elektra. Chris Hamrick stops that, though. Some flippy, overdone clothesline on Roadkill in the crowd by Money. Back in, springboard bulldog, two count for Dinero. Tag to E.Z. Money. Spin cycle by the heels on Doring, two count. Doring goes for a tornado DDT, but gets caught in the E.Z. Bomb (real creative name) for two. Money up top, but Doring gets a boot in his face. Money falls with a headbutt into his nuts and tags Dinero though. Dinero wisely takes Roadkill from the equation with a dropkick. Hangman's neckbreaker from Dinero on Doring, one, two, no. Doring goes for the bareback, but Dinero elbows out, only to get caught in the double-arm DDT for two. Bareback on E.Z. Money, and Roadkill is awaiting the hot tag. And he gets it! Barnburner on Dinero, and a wedgie for E.Z. Money. Jackknife power bomb on him, called the Amish Bomb. Come ON, think up something besides GimmickName Bomb, for God's sake. Some spin kick with a cute name from Dinero. Money totally misses a moonsault, but it gets two. Hamrick does something, but it misses, and he "wipes out" E.Z. Money. Dinero and Roadkill going at it. Buggy bang finishes at 10'05", and the champs retain. This was such a mess. I don't know, really. It wasn't bad, but it sure wasn't good, either. *, for the effort. A brawl leads right into...

Nova has new music (well, Quiet Riot isn't "new"), and a new look. Apparently he's "Nasty Nova." Holy SHIT, Nova is ripped. He looks GREAT. Hamrick and Nova fight in the aisle, now we're in right away. Sidekick from Hamrick, basically no-sold. To the apron goes Hamrick, and he gets a springboard dropkick. Two count. Kneebreaker and a dragon screw, which he hangs onto right into a figure-four. Elektra rakes the eyes and then leaves the ring. Facecrusher from Chris Hamrick, two count. Boot to the face by Hamrick. This has REALLY slowed down. I don't think they know what they're doing out here. Nova with a bodyscissors faceplant, then he goes up top. Elektra trips him up, though. Hamrick up with Nova now, and he gets a top-rope huracanrana. Pretty ahsum, and the crowd gives us the night's debut "holy shit" chant. Nova absorbs right hands and wants him some more, then he fights back with weak rights and an enziguri. Two count. More pointless flipping and flopping before Nova lays Hamrick out with a superkick. Two count, and here's Elektra again. Nova "breaks her arm" and then gets a crossface chickenwing on Nova. So Chris Chetti runs in to return to ECW in a referee's shirt, counting a three on Nova, or something, at 05'04". I dunno. 1/4* I'll say this: I have always liked Nova, and I think Hamrick exhibited some great potential, but this was nothing. Not a real knock on them, because it wasn't JUST bad. It was bad with some good stuff here and there.

Spike Dudley comes down now. Lou E. Dangerously (yeah, he's out here, too) confronts Spike, saying he would never call himself a Dudley. WINK. Chetti goes after Nova, but Spike stops that. Acid Drop on Chetti, and Nova gets a swanton bomb on Chetti. Hamrick sneaks back in, but is hit with the Kryptonite Krunch for a Spike-counted pinfall? Oh, you figure it out. Cyrus calls Spike a "retard." Awesome.

I fucking hate Steven D'Angelo. He's the ugliest man to ever be involved in the wrestling industry. Anderson goes for his Arn Anderson-thumb-to-throat thing, but Dreamer doesn't WANT him to. So they LOCK UP. Errgggh, you show each other! To the floor right away, and they chop each other a lot. Dreamer with a suplex on the outside. Repeated rights from Anderson on the apron, but Dreamer hotshots his arm, then gets a slingshot splash to the inside. Somewhat of a dragon sleeper, and Anderson gets a "shoulder stunner." Tommy grunts into the microphone while Anderson holds onto an armbar, and doesn't quit. Out of that, rydien bomb from Dreamer and a single-leg crab. Dreamer wedges an open chair under the bottom rope, then puts Anderson's arm in it and hits that all with a chair. Tommy fetches a lug wrench, clocking C.W. with it, and then he gets the ring bell, and puts it on Anderson's head, and he RINGS HIS BELL. OH HO! Anderson won't quit, either. C.W. is busted open, but he tosses Dreamer from the apron across the guard rail. Drop toe-hold into the back of a chair inside. Dreamer has bladed, too. Kneebreaker on the chair. Modified figure-four, and Tommy, of course, won't quit. Chairshot to the knee of Dreamer. Lots of chairshots to Tommy Dreamer, and Anderson charges the corner with the chair, only to have it kicked into his grill. Elbow onto the chair by Dreamer from the second rope as the crowd comes alive now. Dreamer gets a gift-wrapped box, and pulls out some razor wire. Towel Boy gets a couple shots in, including a dual cookie sheet shot with Tommy Dreamer. Ferris wheel by Anderson, and Towel Boy gets caught up top with a cookie sheet shot, then a hanging superplex. Superkick blocked, and Tommy gets a kneelock on. Back elbow from Anderson, and a spinebuster onto the razor wire! Dreamer refuses to quit as Anderson gets an armbar on. Two chairs set up in the ring, and Anderson gets a vertical suplex "through" the sitting chairs. Nasty. Now Tommy has his head in the chair, because he's dumb, and gets sent into the corner like that. Anderson brings a table in now, and heads up top. Chairshot from Dreamer, and then he hits the Death Valley Driver from the middle rope through the table! Dreamer wraps the razor wire around Anderson's eyes, and C.W. quits at 14'10". They shake hands, and Tommy leaves. This match was pretty decent. Tommy is just so deteriorated that it's hard for him to do much. **1/2

Tajiri and Mikey are crazy over. Three men in the ring at a time here. Mikey, Kash and Tony Mamaluke start it off. Kash and Tony double on Mikey quickly, then go at each other. Basic stuff to start out, then they fuck up a spot all of about a minute-and-a-half in as Kash jumps to no one (supposed to be Mikey) from the apron. Lots of standing around, and Super Crazy is tagged. Then Tajiri is tagged to a big pop. Both Italians stay on the apron, but Guido is drilled with a Tajiri kick. Crazy and Tajiri go at it. Chop from Crazy, ugly roundhouse kick from Tajiri. Guido in, and he gets the Fujiwara armbar on Tajiri. Escape, spinning heel kick from Tajiri. Crazy misses everyone on a crossbody as they both dodge it. Guillotine legdrop from Mikey with Tajiri holding Guido's head on the middle rope. Kash with a twisting bodypress, Mamaluke with a flying legdrop, and we're totally broken down now. Three submissions locked on at once here. Whipwreck and Tajiri to the floor, and Crazy is cut off before he can go for a moonsault onto them. Italians and psychopaths fight on the floor, and here comes Super Crazy off of Kash's back. Kash then gets a double-springboard somersault plancha. Back in, Kash with a flying rana on Mikey, Crazy gets two on Tajiri with a backslide. Big Sal comes in now so we can get our share of fatass, and he splashes Kid Kash. Mamaluke covers, and gets three, eliminating Kash and Crazy at 06'57".

Double-team stuff on Tony Mamaluke. Dropkick to the face by Tajiri after a bodyscissors faceslam. Rocket launcher on Guido. Both Italians tied to the tree of woe. Guido eats Tajiri's feet, but Mamaluke escapes Mikey's, and Sal crushes Mikey against the ringpost. Guido in, and he gets a couple two counts on a submission hold. Dropkick to the face, two count. Tajiri gets spittle to the grittle from Maritato. FBI with a double-team super power bomb, two count. Wishbone submission from the FBI, and Tajiri breaks that up, then goes back to the apron. Mikey and Mamaluke in. Snap suplex from Tony, and then Mikey gets the Whippersnapper. Gee, that's some oversell there, Tony. Double tags to Guido and Tajiri. Tajiri cleans house with modified airplane spins for all. OH MY! Mikey goes for the super Whippersnapper, but Tony breaks it up. Both Italians up top, and Whipwreck almost gets a double top rope Whippersnapper, but they block and counter with a double Fujiwara armbar. Tajiri with kicks for all, and green mist for Tony, then he and Whipwreck get double not-really-tiger suplexes, even though Cyrus called them that over and over and over again, for the win at 13'30". This match was mondo disappointing, and really not even very exciting at any point whatsoever. *1/2

Blue Boy goes after Balls on the floor. Chilly Willy heads inside and gets doubled up on. Problem Solver from the heels, and then Balls hits Blue Boy with the chair. Here's Rhino! Balls refuses to back up, then gets gored. Simon and Swinger are gored, too. Then Dawn Marie is taken out next. Chilly Willy fights Rhino off, getting some rights and a butt-bump, but Willy is gored, too. And then the poor Blue Boy dies. So Jasmin St. Claire, not noticing that everyone is being killed, comes in the ring. She gets a piledriver from the second rope. All this carnage ends at 02'07". Well...okay.

Man, I still can't help but mark out for the ECW old schoolers like Dreamer and the Sandman. Corino and Credible stomp away on Sandman as soon as he rolls in, then they brawl with each other. Dropkick into the ladder on Sandman by Corino. Corino then eats the steel as he attempts the same thing on Justin. Two ladders in, and they do the usual ladder brawling spots. Corino brings in the cane, and wacks Sandman. Sandman goes up, gets his hand on the belt, and then is knocked off, falling awkwardly. Corino gets a chair tossed to him by Victory, and Credible has one, too. Double chairshot sends a ladder into Sandman's nuts. The crowd is really not impressed with this at all. Sandman gets whipped into the ropes, so he jumps over the top and through a table. Why did he jump over the top rope? God, this is such an indy hardcore match. Hard kick to Sandman's balls by Corino as we keep brawling around. Sandman with the cane now, and he gets both opponents with it. Justin blades. Ladder leaning against the top rope, and Sandman suplexes Corino onto it. Well, that was cool, at least. Sandman throws Credible through a leaning table (against the guard rail), and Justin doesn't really sell it at all. Sandman goes to climb up, gets a hand on the belt, and then the ladder breaks on him. This is terrible. Corino to climb now after much stalling, and Justin dropkicks the ladder, and Corino bumps down onto a chair. It's a lot more impressive to just take a good bump from the ladder instead of overdoing it by pussying out of the actual bump and smacking your hands on a chair, I notice. Sandman takes a hard spill through a table balancing on the apron and guardrail. Table set up inside, but it does nothing as Corino slingshots Credible into a ladder. Sloppy sequence goes into the That's Incredible on Steve Corino. Sandman brings in a super ladder now after taking a rana from Francine. So the belt gets raised higher. I notice that the ECW giant ladder does look quite as sturdy as the WWF giant ladder. Sloppy spot as Corino and Credible "fly" off the ladder through a table. Sandman climbs up and anti-climactically grabs the belt to win his fourth ECW world championship at 13'19". This was crap. Really, this was just total crap. NONE of it was interesting at all. 1/2*

Jack Victory throws another table into the ring. Then they all shake hands, and Da Baldies run in? I dunno. Corino and Credible take Angel and Devito out, and Sandman is left alone to celebrate. NOW HERE'S RHINO! Rhino slips and falls on his attempt to gore the Sandman. [shakes his head] But he gets up and does it again. Rhino tells the fans, "Fuck you." Rhino says the company doesn't need the TV title, since the "fucking" company doesn't even have a TV show. He asks Sandman to give him a "fucking" match, but Sandman replies with "fuck you." Rhino calls him a "fucking" drunk. Rhino tells the crowd, "Fuck you." Sandman says to ring the "fucking" bell.

Sandman gets gored through a table, but kicks out at two. Piledriver off the apron through a table as Cyrus leaves the broadcast position. Another two count after that. Piledriver onto the remains of a table, and Rhino is your new ECW world champion at 01'18". DUD This is right up there with the stupidest decisions ever, I'd say.

Cyrus joins the festivities, and issues a big open challenge, insisting that anyone who wants some of this should bring it right "fuckin'" now.

And the crowd pops HUGE for Rob Van Dam! Hey, this is definitely a good surprise when you SEE it. The crowd is totally bonkers. RVD and Rhino stare each other down, but then Jerry Lynn comes in, and we have a totally impromptu match here between these two.

Lynn starts strong, but Van Dam does lots of flipping to take the advantage. Lynn gets pissed that Van Dam is staying right with him. When did Lynn start wearing Mongo McMichael's tights? Rob does some big-time stalling to soak in the crowd's cheers. God, this is long stalling even for Van Dam. Sloppy crossbody sends both to the floor. Lynn chokes with his boot, and Van Dam is bleeding from the mouth. LOTS of nothing going on. Van Dam with the corkscrew legdrop across the back on the guardrail from the apron. That was complex to write. Van Dam with a cool sequence, going from military press to standing moonsault to second-rope moonsault for a two count. Ugly mid-air collision that sees Lynn jump from the ropes and Van Dam spring up into him. Lynn sends Rob to the floor, and there he lays. Yep. And now Lynn goes after him, exposing the floor, and slamming him down onto the CON-CREEEEEEEEEETE. In the ring, cover, two, no. Sunset flip by Lynn, two, no. And now here's the pin sequence spot. Lynn with a nutshot and a BLOWN SCHOOL BOY. Yes. A BLOWN SCHOOL BOY. How the HELL do you blow a SCHOOL BOY? Van Dam with a front kick and a spin kick to put Lynn down and finally get some offense in. Rolling somersault splash for two. Lynn with an almost-blown-but-saved-and-turned-into-a-nasty-as-fuck sunset flip power bomb onto a chair in the ring. Two count. Lynn's tornado DDT is blocked, but he gets a bridging German suplex for another two count. Lynn with a DDT on a chair, two count. I am getting absolutely nothing out of this match. An attempt at the five star frog splash misses, and here's Joel Gertner to DDT Cyrus! Oh boy, let's get Joel Gertner over in the middle of the main event! Yeah! Van Daminator connects, and the crowd chants Rob Van Dam's initials very loudly. Gertner holds the chair in place for the Van Terminator, after which Van Dam covers and gets the three count at 19'24". This is probably the worst match between these two I've ever seen. Not unwatchable, but it wasn't very good. ** RVD celebrates with the fans.