Hi! I'm Scott. You can check this out over at RantCentral.net,
too! There's my plug. Thanks to CRZ for putting this up, and
apologies to Chris Jones if I'm stepping on his toes.
Everyone is just down, but they start coming to. The crowd is really alive now. Yang and Moore climb side-by-side ladders, but Helms and Knoble climb up other sides. Knoble catches Helms with a sunset flip powerbomb. Good Lord. Yang and Moore up on top of the ladders, and Yang is the victim of the sleeper neckbreaker. Good God. Leia Meow stops Jamie Knoble from climbing, and Evan gets her out of there. Another ladder in, and we're setting up for something or other. The Dragons do some sort of criss-cross powerbomb that kinda sucks. The Dragons construct a scaffold now, and here come Helms and Moore. The Dragons get sent into it one-after-another. Knoble and Evan come in, and Knoble drills Shannon with a tombstone piledriver. Evan pounds away on Shane, and now Kaz and Knoble are up on the makeshift scaffolding. Kaz takes a wicked backflip bump off the ladder set, and now Yang and Helms are up. Shannon just hits a beautiful skin-the-cat-into-reverse rana from the scaffolding, and then Jamie is tossed off. Helms and Moore both up, and they grab it simulatenously for the win at 13'50". ***1/2 Started pretty boring, but really picked up toward the six minute mark or so. And they certainly all get effort points, no doubt about that. A lot of sloppy spots don't allow it to get higher than this.
Stall session before the bell to get a big USA chant going, and here we go now. Tie-up, and Cat bulls him around. Kicks and chops from the Cat here, and Storm ducks a roundhouse. Gunns hangs Cat's foot up, and Storm gets an elbow. Miss Jones doesn't appreciate it, but the men get in the middle of them. The women get into the ring now, but it's stopped again. Cat's willing to let Jones go. Madden steals Regal's "tart" thing. What a dick. This is just stall-stall-stall. Finally we get going again, and Lance Storm is on the advantage with a jawbreaker. Inside cradle gets two for Cat, but Storm takes him back down and gets a near-fall. Chinlock on now. Yeah, we're almost four minutes into a Cat match, let's rest. Cat with a kick to the gut, and some thrusts. Toss-up mule kick that Jerry Lynn once used on Storm at Anarchy Rulz '99, but Lynn did it better than Cat. Prime Time gets on the Cat on the floor now, but Ernesto just beats his ass until Storm comes out. Weak whips into the railing, three of them. Miss Jones wipes out Mark Johnson with a kick by accident, and she tries to revive him. Gunns gets floored, and Cat comes back in now. Springboard dropkick from Storm, no ref to count. Prime Time throws Johnson in, but no count is made. Spinning back kick for two from the Cat. Storm back with a northern lights for two. Here's Jim Duggan out now, as he's being confused as to what to do. Duggan goes to hit Cat with the board, but drops it and opts for a weak clothesline instead, allowing Storm to lock on the Maple Leaf and win at 07'26". Duggan isn't happy with himself. 1/2* Too much stalling and extra-curricular crap here. Team Canada beats on Duggan, and Cat makes the save. Cat wants to kick Duggan out with a red shoe, but opts not to, showing his heart.
Funk sprays away with the extinguisher, and Daffney screams a lot. Funk slams Crowbar into some trucks backstage. Funk gets a two count. Some stuff falls on Crowbar, and Terry throws him around. Crowbar rides a wheeled box into...nothing. Blah. Daffney screams and screams and screams as nothing at all happens here. Crowbar finally gets some shots in with...something. I don't know. More mindless brawling in the back of a truck. Crowbar gets hiptossed through a table from out of there, and Daffney just keeps screaming. God, shut up. Funk wanders aimlessly and picks up a discarded car door. Crowbar with a sidekick, and here's a door shot now. This is craptacular. Daffney gives Crowbar some handcuffs, but Funk fights away. Well, okay. "Fights" is taking it too far. Crowbar gets his head smashed in a door a few times. Crowbar gets his arms cuffed together now, and takes some unprotected chairshots. Funk drags Crowbar and the car door out toward the entrance area now. Wandering toward the ring, and another door shot. The announcers are selling this as some brutal stuff, but it's just shit. Another chair now, and we get two more shots. Daffney yells a lot. Funk sets up a table, and throws Crowbar on, but Daffney pulls him off and we go nowhere with it until Crowbar sets Funk up and gets a slingshot splash through it for two. Daffney throws a chair at Funk, and it connects. One, two, no. MORE CHAIR SHOTS. Yay. Funk finally gets the pin and the belt at 10'34" with a piledriver onto the car door. What a boring mess of shit. 1/4*, bordering on a big fat DUD.
The burning question is who paid Kronik earlier on. Adams says it's Marie, and that's the story here. Right. Here we go.
Vito gets dumped, and Reno is doubled up on with a tandem back elbow. They go for a suplex, but Vito is back in for the save. Adams is sent to the floor by Reno, and Vito gets a powerslam on Clarke in the ring. One, two, no. Reno with a kick to the gut, Vito with a swinging neckbreaker, two count. Held axhandle by the Italians, but Clarke gets a double underhook...takeover? I dunno. It gets two. This is just dead. Roundhouse kick from Vito, and Adams goes to Marie and wants money. But she doesn't know what he means. Vito comes from behind, and it looks like Clarke is going for his highspot. Yep, there's the running somersault bodyblock. Adams argues with Marie some more. Nothing is going on at all. Clarke and...wait, no, that's Adams. Adams and Vito in the ring, and Adams gets what looks like a titty-twister locked on. Sunset flip from Vito, but it goes nowhere and nothing happens. I'm saying that a lot. Vito gets two from a crossbody, but Adams gets with the full nelson slam. Reno breaks the pin, and Kronik are both in now. Belly-to-back from Clarke for two. Yope de dope, here's a chinlock. Egads, man. The Thrillers come out to the ramp to little reaction. Vito elbows out of the vicious resthold, but doesn't make the tag. Gee. Adams with a sort-of dropkick. At least he tried. That was 0.6 Erik Watts. Double big boot, and Big Vito is out. Collision spot, and Vito and Clarke are down. Reno gets tagged, as does Adams. But Reno hooks Vito and rolls the dice for three at 08'14"? Fine. They make the ref count by threatening him with high times. This was terrible, because it was all Vito and Kronik. Not that Reno's inclusion would be much better. Reno is revealed as the benefactor, and he hugs the Thrillers. DUD Vito takes high times and yay.
Avalanche in the corner from Bam Bam to start off, and then Awesome gets a leaping back elbow as Madden mentions the LT match at Wrestlemania XI. Bigelow seems to pop his knee a bit on a clothesline over the top, then we get some uninspired, weak Bigelow brawling. Chairshot to the back from Mike Awesome, and then Bigelow responds in kind. Brawling in the aisle now, and here we go toward the ambulance. Awesome says Bigelow is going in, but Bigelow slams him in the door repeatedly. This is nothing but effortless brawling, and the crowd doesn't care since the wrestlers don't, either. Bigelow seemingly accidentally punches through the rear window, as Awesome's eyes pop out of his head and he says, "Oh shit!" He even looks at it again when they come back by it. More brawling as Bammer tries to shake off the fuck-up. "Boring" chant goes up. Now we're back in the ring. Whenever a crowd chants "boring," make sure to extend the match, guys. Bigelow gets whipped into the steps on the floor, and Bigelow is bleeding from that arm he put through the window. Awesome gets a table out, and props it up against the apron. Awesome with short clotheslines, and Bigelow staggers. OH NO! Not a three inch fall through a table. Awesome gets some steam running, but gets backdropped through it. What a lameass way to do a table spot. Another "boring" chant goes up, albeit a smaller one. Here we go up onto the top of the ambulance now. Awesome with a shot with the safety lights of the ambulance, and Bigelow falls through the roof at 08'31". DUD What a waste.
Remember back in the 80s, when everyone was hyping a young Bam Bam Bigelow as a future world champion, because he was such a big man and did such amazing things for his size? Yeah, meet Mike Awesome in 2000.
Douglas guarantees payback for the Torrie incident. Douglas attacks from behind, and yells a lot. Rection no-sells some chops and hits some of his own. Sloppy little whip sequence as Rection gets a somethingididn'tsee. Charles Robinson almost gets sandwiched, but Rection stops short. Attempt at psychology, I guess. Fight on the floor. Crowd is just out of it at this point due to the last four matches. Douglas with low blows, but Rection isn't selling. And he doesn't sell punches either. Rection responds to all this by catching him in a bearhug. Oh, you show him, Hugh. Douglas bites his way out but we go right back to the bearhug. They get in a very sexual position for two near-falls. Another short boring chant here. Back to the bearhug. Jesus H. Criminy. Douglas bites out again, but Rection falls on him on an attempted slam for two. Rection to the top, and Douglas cuts him off. Nice bump off he top from Rection, too. More nothing happens here as Douglas gets a couple two counts, and we go back to resting. Rection with elbows, and Douglas completely misses a clothesline, but Rection sells. Rection with a military press slam, and Douglas bails. For God's sake, do something or end this. A mess of something or other on the floor, with Douglas getting smashed into the post. Slow rights in the ring from the General, and then a scoop slam as Rection wants to head up top. He gets up, but misses the moonsault. A bleeding Douglas pulls out the chain from his tights. He misses a roundhouse right and Rection gets a back suplex. The chain falls off Shane's hand, and here's Chavo Jr. Chavo grabs the chain, and tosses it to Shane Douglas. Chavo argues with Robinson, then points out the chain. DQ at 09'48". In a way, I say that's a cheap ending. But another part of me says it was pretty inventive and kinda neat. Match blew hard, though, no matter what. -* Chavo gets his ass franchised, and A-Wall and Lash save the day.
Hudson says Starrcade has lived up to expectations. I'll agree with him. Madden says if it ended now, it'd be one of the best. I disagree. Jarrett is wearing a Slapnuts headband. What a dickwad. A pleasant one, at least.
Jarrett tosses a bucket of some sort out at Rey, and he catches it. The match is just a brawl here. There's shit flying everywhere. Tygress: "Deez props are like weapons to us." That sweet girl just shot all over this match. I don't know how to call this match here, but it isn't boring. Jarrett gets his face shoved into a movie-house style popcorn maker. Ten points for creativeness in choice of weaponry tonight. Bronco busters for both Harris boys, but Jarrett gets his foot up. There's some sort of makeshift old-west style bar in the ring, and Jarrett takes a double chokeslam from Rey and Kidman through it. That was fun. Two count for Rey. The Animals put a road sign on a trash can, and Kidman and Konnan bulldog Ron down onto it. Wrong way sign for Rey, and he gets an Arabian facebuster with it. WOW. Konnan with a shard of wood beating the hell out of Ron, who's getting murdered. Kidman with a lariat, and then Kidman flips Rey up for a dropkick. Rey with the deke out, and he tosses Kidman off onto the floor. Intricate bulldog from Rey on Jarrett in the ring. Rey gets powerbombed over the top rope by Double J into a dumpster. Good God. Crossbody from Kidman for two. You know, I would be remiss not to mention Madden's contractual one good line: "Lucha spots in the middle of Vietnam!" Big spinning side slam from one of the Harris' onto Kidman as we've gone to a tag format now. Double big boot for Kidman, and Rey is still out in the dumpster. Nice dropkick from Jeff Jarrett, and another quick tag by the heels. Youcan'tpowerbombKidman, and it was well-done. The crowd is actually really into this one. Sleeper on Kidman from Jarrett now, and the arm drops twice but stays up on the third try. Elbows from Billy, and he gets a sleeper, but Jarrett gets out. Swinging bulldog from Kidman. Konnan gets the hot tag, and hits the rolling clothesline on everyone in sight. Sitdown faceslam on Jarrett, and he ducks a double lariat. H-Bomb puts him down, though.
Rey finally comes to, and flies off the top with broom in hand onto the Harris'. Jarrett gets beaten on and there's a table in there. Jarrett on the table, and Rey goes to the apron. Slingshot over, the Harris' catch him, and there's an H-Bomb through the table. Lord. Kidman gets a missile dropkick and rydien bomb on Jarrett, and hits the Kidcrusher, thend rags him to the corner. He goes up for the shooting star press, but a Harris busts a liquor bottle over his head. Jarrett with the stroke, and that's it at 12'31". Wow, I was expecting absolute crap and got a really hot brawl instead. ***1/2 This is one of the best North American garbage matches I've ever seen.
Ric Flair comes out before the match to bar Commisioner Sanders from interfering at all. If Sanders takes one step toward the ring, DDP and Nash are the champs.
Nash and Palumbo start it off, and Nash kicks his ass from corner to corner. Slow stuff in the corner from Nash now, kneelifts and then the elbows. DDP gets two on Palumbo with something I missed because I was putting up this SmackDown! 2 poster I got with the Prima Strategy Guide. See, it's an exclusive poster that you only get if the thing was bought at Toys "R" Us. Anyway, Stasiak and DDP brawl around, an DDP ducks a boot up in the corner, then crotches Stasiak on the post. Page gets a waistlock, but Stasiak elbows away at him, only to get hit with a belly-to-belly for two. Diamond Cutter is avoided, and Page hits a uranage for two. Superkick from Palumbo, and he stomps away. Nash would come help, but there's probably some guy that looks like Dean Martin in the front row that he's ragging on. Stasiak with a jumping back elbow for two. Underhook belly-to-belly from Palumbo for two. Nice move. "Sanders sucks" chant goes up. Tandem stomping from the Perfect Event as Page is totally playing Ricky Morton here. Page with lots of right hands and a falling headbutt to the balls for the short face resurgence. Palumbo gets the tag, and he kicks away at DDP's ribs. DDP works on both heels in the corner, and gets the discus clothesline. Both men down now, and Page is looking for the hot tag. Moreright hand-trading here, and Page is looking very inspired right now. Both guys knock each other out again. Low blow from Chet Palumbo, and he nails Nash, too. Page fights away and makes the hot tag to a big response. Nash gets both with sideslams, and clotheslines Stasiak to the floor. Big boot on Palumbo, and Sanders low-blows DDP.
Flying clothesline from Stasiak, and a cradle from Palumbo gets two. Sanders hits the apron, then hits the floor. Diamond Cutter on Stasiak on the floor. Palumbo covers Nash in the ring, but DDP pulls him to the floor. Here's Jindrak and O'Haire, and Jindrak takes a Diamond Cutter on the floor, too. O'Haire nails him with a kick on the floor, though, and goes up for a Seanton Bomb. He gets crotched though. Back to just Palumbo and Nash in the ring, and it's another big boot. There go the straps, and there are the middle fingers. Jackknife powerbomb, and we have the three count at 12'02" to give DDP and Nash the belts back. Match was actually pretty okay. ** Nash gives a "Hey yo" on the mic afterward. What a turd.
Goldberg is led out by Robbie Rage, amongst others. Goldberg takes it right to Luger, beating his ass on the floor. Back in, and Goldberg's attention is taken by something in the crowd, causing a reversed-whip clothesline to look lazier than the Undertaker relaxing on a couch. Does UT have spittoons decorating his house? Nevermind, the match. Gotta pay attention to the match. Goldberg with some stomps now, and then a powerslam. Brawl goes to the floor, and Lex takes advantage now. Goldberg rolls away from a chairshot, and here's the Sarge and Buff. Goldberg with a shoulderblock in the ring, and he rolls back for the spear. Luger pulls the ref in the way and Goldberg stops short. Another attempt, but Luger ducks out. Luger nails Sarge as Buff has Goldberg's attention inadvertantly. Brass knux shot, two count. Bagwell gets in, and "mistakenly" hits the Blockbuster on Goldberg. Luger signals for the rack. I missed that. Goldberg grabs the top rope and blocks the rack, then takes Luger over with a judo throw. Bagwell decks Sarge, and Goldberg hits a mean spear on Lex. The crowd really does not care at all. Bagwell chokes Sarge, here's the jackhammer, and it's over at 07'08". Match was really nothing at all. 1/2* Bagwell attacks Goldberg with a chair to swerve us all. What a swerve. Swerves are good. Goldberg regroups and hugs a one-armed child that he met on the Maury Povich.
Sid is wearing long pants for the first time I can ever remember. Steiner bulls him into the corner and kicks away. Forearm shots and chops, too. Sid comes back with rights to the chesticular area, then some Andre punches up top. Weak clothesline from Sid for two, then he gets a side slam for two. Steiner bails and jaws with the crowd, then comes back in and flexes. Sid seems surprised that Steiner wants a test of strength. Steiner IMMEDIATELY takes Sid down to his knees. Wow, kudos to Sid for selling Steiner's strength like that. Out of that, and Sid gets a big legdrop for two. Big boot puts Steiner down. Reverse order there, Sidney. Midajah nails Sid on the floor with the pipe, and Steiner goes to work with a chair. Back in, and Scott nails an elbowdrop for one until he pulls up and does some push-ups. Backbreaker from Steiner, and more posing. A couple kicks back to the mat as Sid tries to get up, then Steiner goes back to the corner and hammers away. Sid reverses a whip, but Steiner gets a boot up. Spinning belly-to-belly. Steiner is just owning Sid Vicious here, and now the recliner is on, but Sid gets the ropes. Vertical suplex from the champ. Steiner gets the recliner again now. Sid powers up, and Midajah flies off the top onto Scott Steiner by accident. Chokeslam from Sid, one, two, no. Cobra clutch is lazily applied by Vicious, but Steiner nails the ref. Cobra clutch slam from Sid, but there is no ref. Midajah gets Sid's attention, and Steiner nails Vicious with the pipe. Two more shots, the first blocked, and Steiner wails away. Charles Robinson in now as the second ref, but it only gets two. Here's Jeff Jarrett now, but the el kabong hits Steiner. One, two, Jarrett pulls him out. Another two count, but Steiner kicks out this time. Boot to the gut, setup for the powerbomb, and Steiner slips down with a low blow. And another one. T-bone suplex from Steiner, and here's the recliner for the third time. This time, it ends it at 10'13". I'm gonna be generous and give this one *, because Steiner and Sid both really tried to sell the match and the finish throughout, even if the match wasn't any good, or anything.
Most of this card was just absolute shit, but the opener and the six-man garbage match were both good, even if I wasn't as blown away as most by the ladder match. The tag match is okay, and the world title match isn't offensively bad, but then it ends at that, because everything else IS offensively bad.
The sad thing is that this is leaps and bounds better than any Starrcade since 1996, unless the first two matches at the '98 show carry that one past what this did, which is debatable.
Anyway, I still wouldn't call it a good show by any stretch of the imagination. I appreciated the efforts of all six guys in both the ladder and streetfight matches, and DDP, Steiner, Chuck Palumbo and Crowbar all tried to do their best. It was the utter ass effort that guys like Shane Douglas or General Rection put out that killed the show, overall.