Lumpy's Big-Assed InVasion Recap
Jim Ross and Michael BYE BYE BYE Cole are your hosts. InVasion is brought to you by Playstation. I'm not sure why I mentioned the sponsor this month because I really have nothing against them or their products. That's not to say I buy Playstation games. Why do that when you can burn them so easily? I mean hypothetically of course. The girlfriend is riding shotgun and full of piss and vinegar this evening. I don't know what I did wrong but I'm sure I'll be finding out for the next hour or so.
Edge & Christian vs. Storm & Awesome
Lance and Mike are already in the ring. Storm with his "serious for a minute" and the trademarked interruption and the MOFO is on. The girlfriend starts the PPV in the washroom. Finally...silence! THANK YOU OH BENEVOLENT GOD!
Awesome and Christian start. Awesome on offence first with fists and shoulder blocks in the corner. Awesome misses a running splash into the corner and Edge is tagged in. Storm is tagged in. Edge on the attack with a Rana and a Missile Dropkick. Edge follows with a standing drop kick on Awesome and a backdrop on Storm to the arena floor. Edge drops to all fours and Christian uses him as a springboard to badly blow a plancha spot on Storm and Awesome on the floor. Christian is lucky he didn't break his neck. Speaking of neck pain (as in "pain in the..."), the girlfriend is just yammering away. I'm missing in-ring action as she goes on and on and on about something.
As I contemplate suicide, a couple of minutes pass before I see Storm pushing Christian to the floor. Awesome works Christian over on the outside before rolling him back in. Awesome gets the tag and drops an elbow on Christian before covering him for 2. Awesome follows up with a clothesline and a powerslam. Awesome off the ropes with a bodysplash and gets another 2. Awesome throws Christian into Storm's boot. Storm and Awesome with the double team shoulder block on Christian. Storm gets a 2 count. So far this has been all ECW as they are doing a magnificent job of isolating Christian. Christian finally lands a crossbody on Storm and both men are down and out. Awesome gets the tag and he proceeds to drop Christian throat-first across the top rope. Awesome hits a "slingshot powerbomb" (when I think of a better name for it, I'll let you know) and covers. Edge breaks the count up at 2. Awesome covers again but Christian kicks at 2. Storm runs in and nails Christian with a backbreaker. Awesome flies off the top with a Five Star Frogsplash. Edge again breaks up the count. Awesome positions Christian for an Awesome Bomb off the top but Christian counters with a back bodydrop. Awesome lands awkwardly on his hip. Edge finally gets the hot tag and cleans house.
Edge with the Edge-o-matic and a 2 count on Storm. Edge with a sunset flip on Storm. Awesome reaches out to Storm and Lance holds on so as to not succumb to the flip/pin attempt. Christian nails Awesome to break the handholding. Edge finally completes the sunset pin attempt and gets 2. Storm rolls up Edge in a small package but Christian helps Edge to reverse the pin attempt while the ref is distracted, Edge gets 2. Storm with a leapfrog but he catches a spear soon after. Storm with a Superkick on Edge while Christian and Awesome fall to the floor. JESUS CHRIST! I can't write this stuff down fast enough. And the girlfriend's whining is not helping matters.
Let's go to the finish...Awesome sets up Edge for an Awesome bomb. Christian crawls back into the ring and nails Awesome with a spear before he can plant Edge with the Awesome Bomb. Edge covers Awesome and gets the 1,2,3. About 10 minutes in total and a hot start to the PPV. Storm and Awesome will fit in nicely with the WWF style. Call it a 7/10.
Vince and Regal talk backstage. Raven vs. William Regal has been added to the card.
Earl Hebner vs. Nick Patrick
You want to know what happened here? Check back to my preview. It went almost exactly like that plus the addition of Mick Foley as special guest referee. Foley is wearing the whitest shoes I have ever seen. The "climax" comes as Hebner GORES Patrick and gets the 1,2,3. Post-match Foley whips out Mr. Socko and stuffs it down the gullet of Nick Patrick. The girlfriend comments that Foley is using a "clean sock" despite the garment plainly having writing on it. Call it 1/10 for being pointless. AT least it only went about 3 minutes.
Tough Enough ad.
The girlfriend just won't shut up: "Tough Enough? What is that? Do you watch that crap? Why don't you watch it? Why don't you get MTV? Do I look fat in these shorts? Have you ever met anyone more annoying than me?" SHUT UP! PLEASE LORD TAKE ME NOW! SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!
Sara and Debra discuss DDP backstage over some coffee. I'd do Sara from behind.
Recap of the APA/O'Haire and Palumbo situation
APA vs. O'Haire & Palumbo
Bradshaw and Palumbo start. Bradshaw with an elbow and a suplex to start. O'Haire breaks up the pin attempt. Palumbo gains some revenge with a clothesline for the big Texan. O'Haire gets the tag and he takes it to Bradshaw. Bradshaw counters with a suplex and Farooq gets the tag. Farooq with a series of punches followed by a clothesline off an Irish Whip. O'Haire spins his way out of a suplex attempt and hits Farooq with a low blow. Palumbo is tagged in and he is met by a shoulder block. Bradshaw gets the tag and he has knuckle sandwiches for Palumbo. Chuck is actually selling! Palumbo tries the crossbody but Bradshaw catches him in mid-air. I wonder what is next? Bradshaw with the fallaway slam. Bradshaw sets him up for a powerbomb but O'Haire is in to put a stop to that. O'Haire hits that Fireman's Carry Dump Slam (I should trademark that!) on Bradshaw but Bradshaw recovers soon after to nail Palumbo with a DDT. Farooq finally gets the hot tag and Mr. Simmons is cleaning house with fists of fury. O'Haire from the apron clotheslines Farooq to the floor. O'Haire lays waste to Farooq outside the ring. O'Haire rolls him back in and Palumbo covers. Farooq gets his foot on the rope at 2.
Double team time as Farooq eats canvas after some double elbows. O'Haire is the legal man and he hits Farooq with a knee lift. O'Haire with the cover and a 2 count. Farooq regains his feet and nails O'Haire with a Spinebuster. Both men make the hot tag and Bradshaw greets Palumbo with the big boot. Palumbo eats a powerslam. Palumbo with another crossbody attempt. Bradshaw catches him again. O'Haire plants a foot in the face of Bradshaw and Palumbo falls on top of Bradshaw for a 2 count! Again there is too much going on here to call. DAMN TAG MATCHES!
We'll pick it up again with a badly missed Superkick by Palumbo on Farooq. Farooq sells it anyway. Bradshaw comes off the ropes with the Clothesline from Hell. He covers Palumbo for the 3 count. Not bad. Not great. About 6 and a half minutes. A little sloppy but entertaining for the most part. I call it a 5/10.
Vince chats with Jericho backstage. Jericho refers to Paul Heyman as a "bovine", a "jelly belly" and as a 'big white shrek". Some funny stuff. Vince gets off an "evvvvvvvvver" line and we go to...
...Kidman, Stephanie, Shane and Heyman in the EWCW locker room. Steph complains about how much she hates Jericho which prompts the girlfriend to tell me how much she hates me. Can you feel the love? Heyman and Shane try to pump Kidman up. Billy tells them to relax because he will show the world "why X-Pac sucks".
X-Pac vs. Kidman
Kidman comes out sans the wife beater. X-Pac is also shirtless I feel really weirded out by that and therefore refuse to call the match. La la la la la la la la...
...OK OK! Let me pick it up in progress. X-Pac is getting some major boos and he seems to relish it. X-Pac with a sleeper hold and Kidman hulks up. Kidman with a sleeper of his own but Sean counters with a suplex. X-Pac misses a cannonball off the top rope. Kidman gains the momentum and follows a series of elbows with a sit-down powerbomb. X-Pac wiggles out of a pin and tries to pin Kidman in the corner by using his legs for leverage. Only a 2 count as Kidman kicks out. Kidman hits an X-Factor. Kidman flies off the top and X-Pac maneuvers him into an X-Factor of his own. He gets a 2 count. Kidman with a foot to the crotch to block the BroncoBuster attempt. Kidman goes up top and hits a Shooting Star Press. The cover...1...2...3! Kidman wins! X-Pac does the job! The sky must be falling. My world is spinning. "X-Pac does not job in singles matches" is like a law or something. Isn't it? It's one of life's certainties...like death and taxes. Color me surprised. Give it a 6/10. Match time was approximately 7 minutes.
Shane, Steph, Heyman and DDP celebrate in the locker room. DDP is focused. HE'S JACKED I'm telling you! JACKED!
Torrie and Stacy are backstage feeling themselves up in anticipation of their big Victoria Secret match tonight. Torrie is damn fine. I'm feeling a little twinge in my loins! Regal and Raven are next...I don't need to see that. Maybe a little quickie action. YEAH! LET'S GO BABY! LET'S DO THE FORBIDDEN DANCE MAMA! Baby? Hello? DAMN! The girlfriend is snoring like a lumberjack! Then again...maybe that's a good thing.
WWF Live dates.
William Regal vs. Raven
We lock up to start. Regal in control with punches. Raven with a kick. Regal with a double arm underhook suplex. We go outside and Regal lights up Raven with punches. Back in and Regal nails Raven with some European uppercuts. Regal goes for the pinfall 3 times but Raven kicks out each time. All Regal so far. Regal drapes Raven over the ring apron and punches him continuously in the throat. This match is really sloppy so far.
Raven with a side Russian legsweep on Regal into the ringside barricade. Back in and Raven lays his shoulder into Regal's midsection. Raven with the spring off the ropes clothesline on Regal. Regal looked lost in the ring and didn't get into position properly. Sloppy! Raven knows this is going downhill fast so he goes to...a headlock! BOO! HISS!
Regal counters with a suplex and gets 2. Raven goes the top and lands on Regal with...a punch! Scintillating! Raven again to the top rope but Regal catches him with a punch this time. Raven rolls up Regal and gets a 2 count. Raven with a running bulldog and another cover for 2. Regal locks in a...full nelson!?!? Rave counters with a ...butt to Regal's groin!?!? This absolutely sucks. The crowd is dead. I cannot in good conscience continue recapping this crap. We'll go the finish...
After Regal and Raven botch some corner head-knocking thing, Tazz hits the ring. Tazz with a Tazzplex on Regal. Raven follows with an Evenflow DDT and covers Regal at about 6 _ minutes. Man that was horrid. 1/10.
Taker/Kane/Sara/Vince are backstage. Vince pumps up Taker with talk of DDP and the bad things he did to Sara.
Big Show/Billy Gunn/Albert vs. Stasiak/Kanyon/Hugh Morrus
Oh Joy! More filler! More tag matches! I'm not even going to try.
Albert looked pretty impressive. The win for WCW comes after Stasiak hits a reverse DDT on Billy Gunn and either Morrus or Kanyon covers him for the pin. I don't remember and I'm not about to rewind the tape to find out. Post-match and TBS is laying out team WCW with chokeslams and backdrops. 2/10 and 4 _ minutes. The middle of this PPV is sucking the life right after me. Speaking of sucking the life out of things...I wonder how the girlfriend is doing? Still sleeping. Big surprise there! All that whining must be really tiring.
Shane and Booker T are in a hallway backstage. Booka discusses the finer points of "suckas". I guess I can skip my yearly sensitivity training session after witnessing that. All the "suckas" talk has woken up the girlfriend. Weird! Maybe she dated a black man before I came along. I ask her so but apparently the sound of my voice is enough to put her back to sleep.
Tajiri vs. Tazz
Tazz opens with punches. Tajiri opens with a spinning heel kick. Tajiri does some flip deal and gets a 2 count. Tajiri follows with chops but Tazz tosses him across the ring with a Tazzplex. Tazz with punches to Tajiri's back but Tajiri regains his feet and does his best "I'm Bruce Lee and I'm on fire with the martial arts punches" impersonation. Tazz has had enough. Clothesline. Punches. Snapmare (Tazz is getting tired already). Clubbing forearms. He's blown up real good now. Stomps and chops. Tajiri regains the advantage momentarily with kicks and elbows but Tazz counters with a back heel trip and he gets 2. Tazz needs some rest time so he goes for the elbow hyperextension. Tajiri tries to nip up over Tazz in the corner but Tazz catches his legs and follows with a whiplash powerbomb. Thank you JR for a much better name for that move. Tazz covers for a 2 count. Tajiri hits his hand spring back elbow thingy. We go outside where Tazz throws Tajiri shoulder first into the ring steps. Tazz rolls his big belly back into the ring and waits for Tajiri.
Tajiri returns and locks in the Tarantula. Cole tells us the move is actually illegal because he is locking the man in the ropes. No shit Sherlock? Tajiri labels Tazz in the face with the low drop kick thingy off the ropes. Tajiri gets 2. Tajiri lands 2 hard buzzsaw kicks to the head of Tazz. Tazz catches his leg on a third attempt and Tazzplexes Tajiri to hell. (I'm trying to make this sound exciting, ok?) Tazz goes for the cover and gets a face full of GREEN MIST! Tajiri to his feet and another buzzsaw kick to the green mohawked head of Tazz. Tajiri covers for the 1,2,3. Not bad. Not good. Didn't have the pacing of an ECW matches. Then again, there are 10 matches on this card and Tazz blows up after 45 seconds. Call it 6/10 and 6 minutes.
Fanatic Series ad. Tazz was once hardcore.
RVD lays out Matt Hardy with a chair backstage. RVD tells Jeff that he is next.
At WWF NY, Hardcore Holly rips a WCW T-shirt off a teenager. Pedophile!
Hardcore Title: Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam
BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP! RVD gets a nice chant early. The two trade flips and stuff to start. RVD plays to the crowd and Jeff dropkicks him from behind. The crowd is really into this so far and JR is playing up how egotistical Van Dam can be.
Fast-forward a few minutes (I'm really into the match and I forgot to write some stuff down) and Jeff runs the barricade on the outside. RVD runs up the other side and they collide in the middle and fall into the crowd. RVD in control as they brawl towards the penalty box. RVD with a springboard moonsault off the boards and onto Jeff. Back to the ringside area where RVD lays Jeff across the barricade. RVD flies off the ring apron with a spinning legdrop onto the throat of Jeff. Van Dam gets a 2 count. More "RVD" chants and Rob bows at ringside. Jeff is in the ring. Jeff with a sunset flip powerbomb from the inside out. Jeff pulls out the monster ladder from under the ring. OH BOY!
Jeff climbs the ladder but RVD recovers and gets back in the ring. Van Dam pushes the ladder and Jeff bumps 25 feet up the rampway. RVD grabs a chair and approaches Jeff. Jeff lifts the ladder into the face of Van Dam. Jeff with a chairshot and some stomps as they go further up the rampway. RVD begs off but Jeff raises the chair anyway. As Jeff swings, Van Dam catches him with a Van Daminator and Jeff falls 6 feet to the arena floor. Damn is Van Dam quick. Back on the ramp and RVD hits a spinning legdrop/ Jeff kicks out of the cover at 2. We go back to the ring and RVD feeds Jeff with some punches. RVD with the chair and a skateboard Van Damninator into the face of Jeff Hardy. RVD does the split leg springboard moonsault but Jeff gets his knees up. Jeff follows with a DDT and gets 2. Jeff with a belly to back suplex and another 2 count. Jeff with a chinbuster. Jeff goes up top and RVD rolls out of the way to avoid the Swanton. Van Dam lays the Hardcore belt across the chest of Hardy and goes up top. FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH and the cover. We have a new Hardcore Champion. That was fun. 9/10 and about 13 minutes in total. The fans are eating up Rob Van Dam as well they should. RVD with the obligatory post-match thumbs and general mugging for the crowd.
Vince and Angle are talking backstage. Angle is so hyped up for tonight that he uses the words "bullshit", "ass" and "damn" all in the span of 30 seconds. Pssst Kurt...settle down....wrestling is not real!
Recap of the Bra and Panties situation.
Bra and Panties Match: Stacy Keibler & Torrie Wilson vs. Lita & Trish Stratus
Foley is out again to referee. I'm going to take a cue from JR and not call wrestling moves. No one really cares anyway. The offense pretty much consists of slaps, hair pulling, punches and kicks. Torrie does attempt a standing drop kick though. And Trish manages to suplex Torrie. When Lita gets the tag, neither Torrie nor Stacy want any part of it.
Let's get to the good stuff. Lita strips Stacy of her top. Stacy rips off Lita's top in return. Lawler is somewhere in Memphis hyperventilating. Torrie rips off Trish's top. Trish rips off Torrie's pants. YOU GO GIRL! Lita and Trish double team Torrie and tear off her top. Torrie is going with the white lingerie ensemble. Lita lands a moonsault on Stacy before relieving her of her pants. Stacy is in yellow underoos. Team WWF wins! Oh joy! Oh yes! I guess I can cancel next year's sensitivity training as well. 4/10 and 5 minutes.
Raw is War on TNN ad.
Team EWCW is getting jacked up in their locker room.
Austin/Debra/Vince are backstage as well. Austin says he needs no motivation.
Recap of the whole Invasion saga. I just know Austin is turning heel again.
Inaugural Brawl: Team WWF (Austin, Angle, Taker, Kane, Jericho) vs. Team ECW/WCW (Booker T, DDP, Dudley Boys, Rhyno)
Let's intro everybody shall we? Shane is out first. Paul Heyman and Steph are intro'd next. Then the Dudleys. Then Kane and Taker. Then Rhyno. Next Jericho. Team WWF occupies the ring. Booker T is next. Huh? Shouldn't he come out last for Team EWCW? Kurt Angle is out next. The pyro bill for this PPV must be 5 figures easy. DDP is out next and Taker attacks him on the outside. The MOFO is on as all 9 men lay into one another. The glass breaks and Austin joins the fray. It's a pier 6 brawl on the outside before Austin and Rhyno start in the ring. Austin with a low blow and stomps for the Man Beast. Austin follows with a knee to the mid section and a Lou Thesz press. Austin with the elbow and a 2 count on Rhyno. Austin with some knife edges to the chest of Rhyno in the corner. Austin with a superplex on Rhyno. I really doubt Austin has broken bones in his back. If he does, Austin is a sick son of a bitch. Austin covers but D'Von breaks it up.
Jericho gets the tag. Jericho with the flying Tito. Jericho with punches. Rhyno counters with a knee and a clothesline. Booker is tagged in and he goes to work with some chops. Booker misses a heel kick and Jericho responds with some takeovers. Jericho with a dropkick and a cover. Rhyno breaks up the pin. Jericho with a missile dropkick and Angle gets the tag. Angle with punches and stomps. Angle reverses an Irish whip and delivers an elbow to the face of Booker T. Booker hits a spinning kick and D'Von gets the tag. Angle with punches. D'Von with a spinning elbow. Angle with a clothesline and Kane is tagged in. Kane with punches and stomps. Kane with a corner clothesline and sidewalk slam. Kane covers and DDP breaks up the pinfall. Kane goes for the Chokeslam but Buh Buh is in to save his brother off a blind tag. A little double team action as the Dudleys hit a modified 3D. BB gets a 2 count after some elbow drops. Kane hits the big boot and the FLYING KANE! D'Von breaks up the count and Taker is tagged in.
Taker whips Buh Buh into the corner but he flies out of it with a clothesline. Buh Buh gets a 2 count. Taker with a flying clothesline off the ropes and he gets 2. Taker with the OLDSCHOOL and Taker takes out the Team EWCW corner with fists. DDP stuns Taker throat first on the ropes and Buh Buh suplexes Taker to get another near fall. Rhyno gets the tag and spears Taker into the turnbuckle. Rhyno beats Taker in the corner. DDP gets the tag and his clothesline gets another 2 count. Taker with some body shots to DDP from his knees. That looks so gay. DDP follows with another clothesline and another 2 count. JR is exacerbated by the number of clotheslines in this match. DDP with elbow and another 2. Booker T is tagged in.
Booker kicks Taker in the face and gets 2. Taker follows with a DDT and Rhyno breaks up the count. Austin gets the tag and stomps Booker T to hell in the corner. Booker responds with an eyerake but Austin counters with a clothesline. Austin goes for the Stunner but Booker wiggles out. The two men go the floor. Austin suplexes Booker from the crowd onto the ringside floor. Back in the ring and Jericho gets the tag. Jericho goes for the WOJ on Booker but DDP is in to break it. DDP gets rolled up in the WOJ position for his efforts. D'Von is tagged in and breaks it before it fully gets applied. Buh Buh tagged again and he lays waste to Jericho. They trade punches. Buh Buh with some chops. Jericho with some forearms. D'Von tagged in again. They double team Jericho before he can nail Buh Buh with a spinning heel kick and make the tag to Angle. Angle kicks some Dudley boy ass. Both men get some belly to belly suplex action. Angle covers D'Von but Buh Buh stops the count. Angle gets a Buh Buh bomb. D'Von with a slam for Angle. D'Von follows with a legdrop and the cover. Taker stops the count this time. Rhyno gets the tag. Rhyno with a sweet belly to belly on Angle. Austin stops the count.
Buh Buh tagged in. Angle and he trade punches. D'Von tagged in and he stomps on Angle. Booker is tagged in. Booker hits the AKS KICK and JR mocks the Spinarooni. BAHAHAHA Mark Madden is a fat ass! Taker breaks up the 3 count and DDP is tagged in. DDP hits a tornado powerbomb and Austin stops the 3 count. DDP goes for 2 more covers but Angle kicks at 2 both times. Angle is crazy over with this crowd. Buh Buh is tagged in and the Dudleys wit the Wassup. D'Von covers, despite not being the legal man, and Jericho breaks the count at 2. DDP is tagged in and hits that Billy Gunn-esque sleeper slam thingy. DDP with a front facelock on Angle. Angle to his knees before finally powering out of the hold with a back bodydrop. Austin gets the hot tag but the referee never saw it. Booker is in. Rhyno is in. DDP is in. DDP with the Diamond Cutter on Angle. The end is near as all 10 men hit the ring for the obligatory massive brawl. Rhyno with a GORE GORE GORE to Booker by accident. DDP hits a sidewalk slam from Taker. Taker follows with a Chokeslam on BADA BING Charles Robinson gets a Last Ride. Everyone pairs off as Booker T and Angle are left in the ring.
Taker and DDP brawl through the crowd. Kane chokeslams D'Von through the English announce table. Buh Buh lays out Kane with a monitor shot to the head. Rhyno and Buh Buh double suplex Kane through the Spanish announce table. Austin sells a knee injury at ringside. He sells it so well that everyone thinks he is legitimately hurt. Jericho launches himself onto Rhyno from the ring apron, sending him through a propped up table at ringside. Buh Buh in the ring. He and Booker double-team Angle. Angle battles back and suplexes Booker T. Buh Buh eats an Olympic Slam. Angle with the Ankle lock on Booker but T kicks angle into Hebner, knocking him outside the ring. Booker nails Angle with a Flapjack. Vince grabs a title belt and slides it towards Angle. Shane intercepts the belt and lays out Vince with it. Angle lays out Shane as we get closer to the finish.
Angle is on fire with a back bodydrop on Buh Buh Ray. Booker T gets an Olympic Slam. Angle locks in the Ankle Lock. Booker T taps but there is no referee. Here comes Austin to the rescue by dragging an official into the ring. I wonder what is going to happen next? Yep....Austin kicks Angle in the back of the head. KICK WHAM STUNNER on Kurt Angle. Austin drags Booker T on top of Angle and makes the referee count the pinfall. Team EWCW wins and Austin turns heel yet again. Call it 8/10 and more than a little predictable. The match went 30 minutes<. Post-match and Austin slugs back beers with the Manson Children and Paul Heyman.
In some ways, Jim Ross' prediction for InVasion was correct. Some matches were train wrecks and some were very, very good. If you put the thing all together though, the PPV was fairly middling. Nothing revolutionary when you consider the historical significance of the matches. Then again, I don't think anyone expected anything earth-shattering. The WWF follows the ever-popular "a couple of strong final matches to save the PPV" format to a T. Call it a weak 6/10 overall.
We should get a cool Austin promo to start Raw off tonight. Rocky will return by next week at the latest. There is your main event for Summerslam. Too bad really...I think Angle deserves a run as the top babyface. I hope you enjoyed the recap.
I AM CANADIAN!
Scott Lumpy Williams