Lumpy's Big-Assed KOTR Recap
We are live from the Continental Airlines Arena in beautiful New Jersey! Eye of the beholder folks! WWF King of the Ring is brought to you by the fine folks at Combos. They have "really fast food". Taco Bell was looking at that slogan as well. I think it would have been appropriate...it goes right through me pretty fast.
I am Lumpy. The girlfriend is riding shotgun as per usual. I will warn you now...I am in a cranky mood. Looking at dive apartments for 10 hours in Buttfuck, Ontario has taken its toll on me.
DDP gets us started by coming through the crowd to some really crappy music. Is it just me or should Page not have entrance music? HE WORKS FOR ANOTHER COMPANY! HE BOUGHT A TICKET! HOW CAN HE JUMP IN THE RING?!?!?
DDP has arrived. DDP will be at MSG in New York tomorrow for Raw. DDP takes his seat at ringside with a big "MAKE ME FAMOUS" sign. Where's Kim? I need Kim.
So we are looking at apartments today. We look at this really nice one bedroom. It has 12-foot ceilings, lots of storage, roomy, etc. The girl who is renting the place now was there to show us around. Nice looking girl. We leave the place raving about the apartment. My girlfriend comments on how nice the girl was. I make the following comment: "I know. Wouldn't it be great if she came with the apartment?" The girlfriend and I didn't talk for 2 hours afterwards. In fact, I am afraid to turn my back on her now, 8 hours after the incident.
Off track already I see. Heyman and J R mutter something about a rumor. The rumor is that if Benoit or Jericho win the title tonight, they are going to defect to WCW.
KOTR Semi-Final: Kurt Angle vs. Christian
Christian goes on offense to start. The girlfriend has not fallen asleep yet. I cannot concentrate so I lose the first 6 minutes of the match while I contemplate suffocation with a pillow. At about the 6-minute mark, Shane makes his way to ringside and I snap out of it.
Angle goes up top and misses a moonsault. Christian covers and gets 2. Christian with an Impaling Back Breaker (yes...I made that up) and he gets another 2 count. Angle now as he locks in the Ankle Lock on Christian. Christian gets to the ropes and breaks the hold. Angle goes for the Olympic Slam but Christian wiggles out and hits the Unprettier. Christian covers...1, 2....Shane pulls Christian out of the ring. WTF? OH...I get it. Make Angle work an extra match! Its academic now kids. Angle hits the Olympic Slam. 1,2,3 and Angle advances.
Call it a 6 out of 10. Not a bad opener. Nothing spectacular.
Austin and Debra are in the locker room. Coachman interrupts for a comment. Austin wants to know if the Coach as seen Vince. Stone Cold needs his friend.
Recap of the Taker/Stalker angle.
Heyman interviews DDP in his ringside seat. We see some hidden video footage of DDP drinking milk in a cafeteria. DDP is none too pleased.
KOTR Semi-Final: Rhyno vs. Edge
Rhyno spits in the face of Edge to start. Here we go! The girlfriend drops a full glass of Coke (the beverage) on my carpet. Jesus Christ! I'm distracted again.
I'm aware of Rhyno being drop-kicked to the floor and Edge working him over on the outside. I'm also aware that my dog is going to be hopped up on Coke remnants in about 5 minutes. We come back inside and Rhyno works over the ribs of Edge. I like the PYSCH! Rhyno busts out the body scissors and JR and I proclaim in unison how we haven't seen that in like 20 years. The girlfriend asks if that really hurts. I refrain from showing her.
Rhyno goes up top and hits a flying Snuka splash. Edge turns the tide and hits an Atomic Drop (is Steve Corino booking this match?) and a Neckbreaker. Edge with an ugly-looking sunset flip on Rhyno to get a 2 count. Rhyno with a spinebuster. Both men are in their corners and run at each other. BAM! Double GORE ahem errr SPEAR knocks both men out. They trade near falls before Rhyno misses a GORE attempt and flies into the exposed turn buckle. Edge nails the Impaler and 1, 2, 3! Edge advances.
Nice booking. Edge going over works for me, although I called Rhyno. Call it a 7/10. Again, nothing spectacular but it was solid for the most part.
Spike and Molly are backstage as JR interviews them about the upcoming Tag Team Title Match. Spike is non-committal about his tag team partner. Too bad I couldn't have been non-committal with the girlfriend. She is still awake and destroying my frickin' house!! Buh Buh and D'Von interrupt the interview and talk about being disappointed in Spike. Speaking of disappointed...the girlfriend...
Jericho grants Tazz a cryptic interview about the WCW defection rumor.
WWF Tag Team Championship: Dudley Boyz vs. Spike and Kane
I have a feeling this is going to suck. So rather than recap it, I'm going to say this: Spike bumps like a mad man...Kane acts all big and stuff and hit some power moves...Dudleys act all heelish and stuff and pick up the win to retain. Now, I will sit back and see if my predictions are true.
Yep! We'll let the predictions above serve as my recap. The only thing of note is the general sloppiness of the match. Spike impresses with his rag doll impersonation but the match hits a low point when Kane covers Buh Buh after a powerslam and D'Von never gets back in the ring to break up the pinfall at 2. The ref clearly counted 3 and JR is forced to cover with the "he barely got his shoulder up" routine.
The end came with a wassup, with no "wassup" (the are heels remember), followed by a 3D on poor Spike Dudley/ Post-match, Kane powerbombs D'Von before Chose Slamming D'Von through a table. The match went about 8 minutes. Call it a 5/10.
Jericho "Break Down the Walls" Fanatic series ad. The Jericho PPV thingy seems like it has been on...all month!
Edge and Christian talk backstage. Foreshadowing problems?
DDP at ringside again. More secret DDP footage and again he is none too pleased.
WWF New York with Billy Gunn, the human pariah. GROAN!!! Billy does his best Jerry Lynn impression: "WAH WAH WAH. I'm a former KOTR winner and I'm not even at the PPV. WAH WAH WAH". Methinks Billy will be in WCW very shortly.
KOTR Final: Kurt Angle vs. Edge
Angle gets on the stick and is looking for Edge to roll over for him so that he can stay fresh for his Street Fight later on. Edge will have none of it and the MOFO is on.
The girlfriend is still awake and messing with my concentration. Edge with what was supposed to be a back flip (I think) and Angle lands squarely on his face. Angle follows shortly with a belly to belly toss on Edge to the arena floor. Back in the ring and they brawl. Angle is losing his hair fast. He should try that hair in a can stuff.
Angle misses a dropkick and Edge catapults him into the turnbuckle. Edge gets a 2 count. They tease the Olympic Slam and Ankle Lock before Edge hits the Edge-o-matic on Kurt. That gets another 2 count. Christian makes his way to ringside. The ref gets knocked out and Angle locks in the Ankle Lock. Edge taps but the ref is all loopy and stuff. Christian looks to be there to screw Edge but is really hesitant about it. SHANE! Shane spears Kurt. Edge follows it up with an Impaler DDT. 1, 2, 3! Edge is your 2001 King of the Ring.
Call it 7.5/10. Good to see Edge go over. I feel for Angle. He's put in about 20 minutes of in-ring work already and he's got another 30 to go.
Tazz is with Benoit backstage and asking him the same WCW rumor question.
The Coach is with Edge backstage. Christian comes in and lets Edge know he was only at ringside to help him. Edge with the "DUH of course you were" response and the foreshadowing is so thick, you could cut it with a knife.
WWF Tough Enough ad.
Angle is pacing backstage. Shane will pay later on tonight. Ain't that the truth...
Fully Loaded ad. Fully Loaded? All of the smarks know that the PPV has been re-named Invasion. Look for the WWF to officially as WCW events change the name in the weeks to come.
Light Heavyweight Championship: Jeff Hardy vs. X-Pac
I cannot in good conscience recap an X-Pac match. Plus, I really gotta take a big smelly dump. That Immodium pill I took this morning is wearing off with a vengeance.
Whoa! I'm back...and 5 pounds lighter! X-Pac has dominated the match. Or so says Ross. X-Pac hits an X-Factor. 1, 2, 3...but wait...Hardy's foot was on the rope. Jeff with the Swanton bomb. Ouch! Jeff hit him full force with that one. Jeff with the pin and 1, 2, 3! Jeff retains! Yeehaw! My bowels are empty! Yippee!
Call it a 6/10. That's how many times my dog licked my hand. Wait a minute? Did I remember to wash it?
Regal and Tajiri are backstage in the Commish's office. Austin barges in and attempts to use his cell phone. But to no avail. Does Tajiri only have one set of casual clothes? Austin calls McMahon from Regal's phone and informs him of the WCW defection thingy. Regal gets on the line to confirm Austin's story. Austin tells Vince to get there as soon as humanly possible.
WWF Magazine advertisement. Lita does Britain!
We see DDP at ringside again. More "secret" footage of DDP walking around is shown. Page has had enough. He hops the barricade and calls out Taker. Sara is revealed as the mystery videographer. OOHH!! I never saw that coming! The Bizkit hits and Taker makes his way towards the ring on foot.
Taker beats DDP in and around the ring. DDP gets in a low blow and a chair shot or two. Sara makes her way to ringside to tape the festivities on a handheld videocamera. You know...Sara has a hot little body but a face only a biker could love.
DDP wimps out and runs through the crowd to escape. Pretty much a pointless exercise. The whole "confrontation" was little more than a device to fill time, And to buy time for Angle to recover from his previous matches.
Austin is in the garage waiting for Vince's arrival. He instructs a geeky worker to send Vince to his dressing room as soon as he arrives.
Recap of Kurt Angle and Shane feud.
Street Fight: Kurt Angle vs. Shane McMahon
Angle with a spear takedown to start. Angle is all over Shane. Shane responds with some punches and Angle responds with some hardway bleeding and some slobber. Angle to the mat in the mount position. Shane takes him up on the offer and Angle easily rolls over and regains control. Angle with a gutwrench suplex on Shane. Belly to Belly throw by Angle. And another one for good measure. Angle schools Shane with his amateur-wrestling prowess. The girlfriend is not impressed. I call her a "STOOPID POO HEAD" in frustration.
Angle is down in the mount position again. Shane's not falling for it again so he kicks the prone Angle in the gut. Shane follows with some clotheslines and sends Angle to the floor. Shane nails Angle with a springboard splash off the barricade. Shane again to the barricade. Shane flies over the English announce table and nails Kurt with a clothesline. Shane goes medieval on Angle with a Kendo stick. All Shane as he sends him into the ringpost before sending him into the crowd. Shane tosses Angle backfirst into the barricade before spearing him into the steps. Back in and Shane goes for the cover.
Angle bridges out of the pin attempt with his head. Two more pin attempts and two more head bridges. Shane goes outside for some plunder. Shane with some sign shots to the head of Angle. Shane with an Ankle Lock but Angle kicks him in the head. Shane with a nice float over DDT. Shane locks in the Sharpshooter. Angle gets the ropes but Shane drags him back to the center of the ring. Angle breaks the hold with a Kendo stick shot to the back of Shane. Shane back up with his boxer routine and gets 2 after a big right hand. Shane now with some trashcan shots to Angle. Shane lays the trashcan across the chest of Angle and goes to the tope rope. SHOOTING STAR PRESS misses and Shane hits the trashcan. Shane is GOD! Shane gets dumped to the floor and we go up the aisle.
Shane reverses a suplex attempt and suplexes Angle on the concrete. (Note: If Angle really did break his tailbone, I think it happened here). Angle back up and he rams Shane headfirst into the leg of the electric chair. Angle sets up Shane for a belly to belly throw through a KOTR sign. Angle throws him backwards and...THE DAMN SIGN DOESN'T BREAK!!! Shane slides down the sign and lands sickly on his head. Shane is GOD! Angle sets it up again and Shane goes crashing through the KOTR glass the second time. Shane is GOD! Shane is bleeding heavily from the face. Angle's arms and back are all cut up. Angle grabs Shane for another B2Bthe other way through another pane of glass. JESUS H CHRIST! It doesn't break and Shane lands on his head again. Shane is GOD! A second attempt and the glass still won't break. Angle catches Shane this time to prevent him from landing on his head. Angle has had enough of this...he picks Shane up and tosses him FACE FIRST THROUGH THE GLASS! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH! Shane is GOD! Angle goes for the cover but the ref refuses to count. Angle wheels Shane back to the ring on top of a storage case.
Angle rolls a limp Shane into the ring and covers him. Shane kicks at 2. Shane is GOD! Shane with desperation low blow on Angle. He follows that with some trashcan lid shots to the head of Angle. Shane with the Olympic Slam. Kurt kicks at 2. Angle catapults Shane into the corner and up the turnbuckles. Angle follows Shane into the corner and nails him with a board in the back. Angle props the board in the corner and uses it as a platform to Angle Slam Shane off the top rope! HOLY SHIT! Angle covers. 1, 2, 3!!! Angle wins.
10/10. Great fuckin' stuff. If I'm Austin/Benoit/Jericho, I'm pissed that I have to follow that display. I want to rewind the tape and watch that again right now. Both men need help to the back although Shane does his best to refuse the assistance.
Fully Loaded ad.
Eeerie main event music as all 3 men are walking backstage. Austin continues to wait for Vince. My girlfriend thinks Stone Cold looks like Bruce Willis. It must be the lack of hair.
Recap of Austin, Benoit, and Jericho program.
WWF Championship: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho
As Austin makes his way to the ring, he continually looks over his shoulder for Vince McMahon. Ben and Jerry attack Austin on the outside and this MOFO is on. They brawl into the crowd. They brawl back to the ringside area. They brawl back into the crowd. Isn't it a little early to be planning spots in the crowd?
Back in the ring and Benoit and Jericho double-team the Champion. Ben and Jerry with the dueling knife edge chops on Austin in the corner. Jericho goes for a pin and Benoit pulls him off. Austin ducks a Jericho spinning heel kick that lands on Benoit. The alliance is over as Jericho attacks Benoit. Jericho with the Walls on Benoit. Benoit breaks it and spears Jericho to the floor. Time for some one on one action as Benoit goes for the Crossface on Austin. Austin scampers to the ropes.
Benoit with a snap suplex. Benoit with kicks and punches. Benoit gets a 2 count. Benoit gets another 2 before Austin tosses him to the floor. Austin taunts Benoit with the belt. Back in and Austin is in control of Benoit. Austin gets a 2 count. Austin feeds Benoit with punches and gets another 2. And another 2 count. Jericho is back up on the ring apron. Not for long though as Austin tosses Benoit into Jericho and back to the floor he goes. Benoit powers out of a Stunner attempt and Hebner gets knocked out. Benoit nails Austin with a Stunner and covers. Hebner is groggy and slow. Benoit only gets a 2 count. Benoit nails Austin in the head with the title belt. Benoit covers but Jericho breaks the count up at 2.
Jericho and Benoit spill to the floor and brawl. Benoit is thrown into the post and Jericho crawls back in to cover Austin for a 2 count. Jericho with the beat down. Austin attempts a Liontamer but Jericho reverses it for a WOJ attempt of his own. Austin to the ropes. Jericho with a suplex that gets a 2. Austin counters with a spinebuster and a 2 count. Austin with a Side Russian Leg Sweep and another 2 count. Austin with a sleeper hold. Jericho counters with a suplex. Jericho is on fire with clotheslines. Benoit back to the ring apron but Jericho sends him back to the floor with a Springboard dropkick. Jericho with a bulldog on Austin. Austin gets his knees up for the Lionsault. Jericho powers out of a Stunner attempt and Austin hits an ugly (and I mean ugly) Lou Thesz press. Benoit back in and he gets a Stunner for his troubles. Benoit doesn't stay down but rather grabs a chair. Benoit swings for Austin's head but brains Jericho instead. Benoit to the outside again. Austin covers but Jericho kicks at 2. Austin with a superplex on Jericho. Austin with another superplex on Jericho. Austin can only get a 2 count. Austin goes for another superplex but Benoit breaks it up. Benoit nails Austin with 5 rolling German Suplexes. Austin escapes with a low blow on Benoit. All 3 men are down.
Jericho is up first and its WOJ time for Austin. Benoit locks in the Crossface simultaneously. Austin taps! Austin taps! Hebner won't ring the bell. There must be one winner! Jericho runs at Benoit. Benoit with the sidestep and the Crossface is locked in. Jericho rolls out and attempts the Walls. Benoit wriggles out and nails Jericho with some chops. Snap suplex by Benoit. 2 count on Jericho. Austin grabs a chair at ringside. Benoit with a baseball slide into Austin's face. Jericho and Benoit go at it at ringside. BOOKER T JUMPS THE BARRICADE! He is all up in Austin's area with punches. Booker with the scissors kick thingy on Austin. Booker picks up Austin and tosses him into and through the Spanish Announce Table. And like a thief in the night, Booker T is gone.
Back in the ring and Benoit with 2 German Suplexes on Jericho. Jericho counters with the WOJ on Benoit. Benoit scoots to the ropes to break the hold. Benoit is up. Scoop slam for Jericho and Benoit goes up top. Jericho gets there before Benoit can dive and throws him to the canvas. Jericho with a Bulldog. Jericho with an ugly low trajectory Lionsault. 1,2...Benoit kicks out. Heyman starts with that "ONE SECOND AWAY" crap. Both men go over the top and to the floor. Jericho picks up some Spanish Announce Table carnage and beats Austin down with it. Jericho tosses Austin back into the ring and hits him with an Asai Moonsault. 1,2...Benoit breaks up the count. Benoit with the flying headbutt of DOOM on Austin. Cover! 1, 2...Jericho pulls Hebner to the outside before he can complete the count. Benoit has had enough. Belly to Belly Superplex on Jericho and all 3 men are down and out in the ring. Austin crawls over and drapes an arm across Benoit. 1,2.....3!!! Austin retains! No Vince!
An anticlimactic finish but still worth an 8/10. They went approximately 30 minutes. The match flowed well by breaking the match into one on one segments. Austin walks to the back nursing his arm. It looks like a Stinger. This can't be good. (Note: After the match, Austin was taken to hospital for X-Rays on a possibly broken hand). The smarks will not doubt be bitching about the finish and the de-pushing of Benoit and Jericho. But realistically, Austin had to go over here. Dropping the title before Invasion makes no sense. If Benoit were not hurt, a case could be made for him winning the match but...
Overall, King of the Ring was a pretty enjoyable PPV. The undercard was solid if unspectacular. Shane and Angle tore the house down with their 26-minute Street Fight. Hats off to Angle for busting his hump (literally!) in 3 separate matches. Shane continues to outdo himself with some sick looking bumps. The Booker T run-in was most unexpected. Let's hope Austin is not seriously hurt. I give KOTR a thumbs up and call it a 7/10 overall.
Raw should be interesting tonight. Raw is War emanates from MSG in New York. Let's hope there is a roster available to put on a show. Angle may have a broken tailbone. Austin may have a broken hand. Benoit will be getting surgery shortly to repair his C7 vertebrae and could be gone for 3-6 months. Rocky is still making movies. HHH is on the shelf for another 4 months minimum. Here's hoping the WWF has a roster that WCW can actually invade.
I AM CANADIAN!
Scott Lumpy Williams