No I'm not quitting. You can get off that ledge now. I'm simply going to try and stick to my original mandate: hit the highspots, give my opinion, throw in some humor, give the results and get the hell out. Let's give it a shot shall we?

Summerslam is live from the Compaq Center in San Jose, California. The cops are stationed outside already in anticipation of the riot that will ensue after Taker sells a move. The sky is falling! Run for your lives! Loot! Loot! The end is near.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Paul Heyman. Summerslam is presented by Chef Boyardee. Their slogan is a favorite of my girlfriend. In fact, I hear it everytime I take down my pants: MMMMM BEEFY! By the way, the girlfriend is NOT riding shotgun this month. She is here and in the room but not watching the PPV or sleeping. As a result, she is off-limits. I know...it pains me as well.

Are you sick of this Drowning Pool song yet?

Intercontinental Championship: Lance Storm vs Edge

A good start to the PPV as Storm and Edge deliver a quick-paced and technical match. Storm busts out an abdominal stretch and his patented half-crab. Edge counters a springboard clothesline into a vicious powerbomb. The crowd was really into Edge but indifferent to Storm. I wonder why? You cut the guy off during every promo and wonder why no one gives two cents about him?

The ending comes as Christian enters the ring and spears Edge inadvertently. Christian eats a superkick from Storm for his troubles. Edge kicks out of the resulting cover at 2. Edge blocks a superkick and nails Storm with an Impaler DDT. The 1,2, and 3 and Edge is your new WWF Intercontinental Champion.

Match ran about 11 minutes. Call it a 6.5 out of 10.

Test, the Dudleys and Michael BYE BYE BYE BYE Cole are backstage. Test calls Cole a bitch and whines about how he got no respect so he joined the Alliance. Somewhere in the Chicago area, Scott Rees is jumping up and down on his sofa screaming "YOU GO GIRL!"

Lillian interviews Jericho backstage. Jericho with the typical "Steph is a HO" barbs. If I could have fast forewarned this, I would have.

Six-Man Tag: Dudleys & Test vs APA & Spike Dudley

I'm glad we are getting this crap over with quickly. Let's recap. They scrap. Spike bumps. JR enlightens us with such gems as "the little bugger is quicker than a waterbug". Huh?

Bradshaw gets the hot tag from Spike at about the 5-minute mark. Bradshaw clears house and powerbombs Test for a 2 count. Test is able to recover to throw Spike from the inside to the outside through a table. Is it possible that that spot loses some of its luster the 497th time you see it? Bradshaw with a clothesline from hell on test but we have no ref to count the pin. Shane takes advantage and brains the big Texan with a chair. Nick Patrick crawls back in to count Test's cover. The Alliance wins! Woohoo! </sarcasm>

Approx 7 minutes. Call it a 5/10. It didn't offend me that much.

Edge gets congrats backstage from the WWF mid-carders. Grandma Edna calls to speak with Edge. Christian doesn't get the opportunity to speak with Grannie.

Meat talks with Debra backstage. He wants to impress Austin. He thinks about dropping the pink "Mecca" trunks. Debra tells him to just do something and to knock the next time. I think Debra has been taking the same acting lessons as Steph. JR kills with another stinger as he tells us that Stasiak is "goofier than a pet coon". He should know I guess.

Cruiserweight/Light Heavyweight Championships: X-Pac vs Tajiri

Before we get underway, JR informs the Direct TV viewers that they better dump their satellite provider like tomorrow if they hope to catch Unforgiven on PPV in September. Who says there are no ethics in broadcasting?

I find it hard to admit that I enjoyed an X-Pac match. Tajiri hits his signature spots in this order: springboard moonsault to the outside, tree of woe sliding dropkick, handspring reverse elbow and the tarantula. X-Pac counters with a pair of surfboards, a summersault plancha onto Tajiri on the floor, and a nice roll-through on a Tajiri crossbody. Add in some near-falls and that's what your match looked like.

Albert makes his way to ringside and gets the red mist when he hops up on the apron. X-Pac takes advantage of the distraction and labels Tajiri with the X-Factor for the win. The ending came out of nowhere and kind of blew to be honest. The rest of the match was entertaining. Added bonus: no broncobuster.

Call it 6/10. It went about 8 minutes. All is right with the world and CRZ can once again sleep well at night. (Why would I have lost sleep? Oh, wait, is this what you call "humor?" - CRZ)

Saturn is at WWF NY looking for Moppy. Poor Perry.

Tough Enough ad.

Rhyno and Steph grunt and squeal backstage. Play along at home and guess which adjective applies to which person.

Chris Jericho vs Rhyno

This was really shaping up to be a great match. It started well as Jericho comes flying off the top rope onto Rhyno on the outside. Rhyno gores his mid-air in a great looking spot. Rhyno then goes to work with some great psychology. Rhyno works over Jericho's ribs with a suplex across the ropes and body scissors. Yes...BODY SCISSORS! Rhyno follows with some more old school goodness as he airplane spins Jericho (Yes...AIRPLAN SPIN) into a Spicoli driver. It's all Rhyno as he follows with a crucifix-type submission and then a sleeper. Yes...SLEEPER! Rhyno misses a top rope splash and the match goes to pot from here.

Jericho "nails" Rhyno with am ugly springboard moonsault. Jericho follows up by slipping off the rope while attempting a missile dropkick. Rhyno has the presence of mind to turn that mistake into an advantage for himself. At least someone is paying attention. Jericho goes back on offense with a safer 2nd rope missile dropkick. Steph gets up on the apron and gets a big wet kiss from Jericho for her efforts. Jericho with the trifecta as he overshoots Rhyno with a Lionsault. And you wonder why this guy isn't main-eventing? My dog has more controlled offense than this windbag. Speaking of windbags, I think bigheaded Scott Keith will be crying himself to sleep on his over-sized pillow this evening. With thanks to Mike Myers...

The end comes as Jericho gets to the ropes after a Liontamer by Rhyno. Rhyno eats an enzuguri but counters with a belly-to-belly suplex on Jericho. GORE GORE GORE attempt sees Rhyno miss and hit the ringpost. Jericho with the Walls of Jericho and Rhyno taps.

Oh how I wished the back had called for a different ending to this one. Jericho wins but makes Rhyno look stupid in the process. Either Jericho needs some new gear or new needs some new moves because he is botching them on a weekly basis now. A match that could have been 8/10 gets a 5/10. Rhetorical statement of the day: you need two people to have a good match. 13 minutes.

Rocky and Regal talk backstage before having to sidestep a flying Stasiak. Meat flies into a steel gate. I think he has found his calling.

Mick Foley's Hard Knocks and Cheap Pops Fanatic Series ad.

Hardcore Championship Ladder Match: Jeff Hardy vs Rob Van Dam

Jeff starts the match with a Sabu impersonation. Actually, he was just pointing to the Hardcore Title hanging over the ring. Damn! I guess we aren't going to see Fonzie!

Not to disrespect Hardy and RVD, but this match was about what you would expect. It's hard to do anything more imaginative with a ladder than has already been done. Your highspots include: Hardy with a springboard corkscrew plancha onto RVD on the floor, RVD with a guillotine legdrop on Jeff draped across the barricade, dueling teeter-totter "ladder to face" spots, RVD with a summersault flip onto Jeff onto the ladder that is draped across the bottom ropes, another RVD guillotine legdrop (this time with Jeff lying on the ladder), Jeff dropkicks ladder into the chest of Van Dam, RVD missile dropkicks Jeff off the ladder, Jeff missile dropkicks the ladder knocking RVD off it, Jeff misses the Swanton, RVD misses the 5-star frogsplash, RVD suplexes Jeff off the ladder, Jeff with a sunset flip into a powerbomb of RVD off the ladder.

Jeff climbs the ladder once more and RVD moves it out of the way, leaving Jeff swinging. RVD swings him and attempts to hit him with a flying spinning heel kick. Would have been cool if he landed it, but Jeff was just too high in the air. Jeff falls off but sets up the ladder and climbs again. RVD pushes the ladder over sending Jeff hard into the ropes. RVD sets up the ladder again and climbs to unfasten the HC Title.

Pretty entertaining. Call it and 8/10 and 17 minutes. If we were not so desensitized to ladder matches and insane bumps, this could have conceivably been a 10/10.

Booker T and Shane in the locker room. Shane presents Booka with a pair of bookends, made from the announce table wreckage caused when Booker put Rocky through the table on Smackdown.

Kane, Taker and Sara are walking.

Eerie cage match music (trademarked by ME).

WCW/WWF Tag Team Championships: Undertaker & Kane vs DDP & Kanyon

DDP blows his entrance cue. I love foreshadowing.

I'm not going to waste much time on this. It's not worthy of my effort on your short attention spans. The brothers of destruction unify the titles in about 11 minutes. A complete squash that sees Taker instruct Kane to let Kanyon escape the cage so that they may work over DDP. DDP bumps like a madman and tastes a Last Ride from Taker. Taker covers to win both sets of tag belts. Undertaker no-sells 14 moves. At first glance this might be an acceptable number. But after further observation, and the realization that only about 22 moves were directed his way, the "Underseller" moniker seems more and more appropriate. 3/10.

Rocky and a doctor exchange recipes backstage. Here comes Stasiak again as he misses Rocky again and slides harmlessly across a table.

Tough Enough ad.

Recap of Austin/Angle. Huh? Already? Does this mean Austin is running in to cost Rocky the WCW Title?

WWF Championship: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs Kurt Angle

The first 23 minutes and 59 seconds of this match was complete and total brilliance. The last second of the match, where Nick Patrick called for the bell, was absolute and utter crap!

The match itself was a sick pier-six brawl, with nice helpings of psychology and world-class selling. The action saw Angle hit 7 Rolling German suplexes and Austin deliver 4 KICK WHAM STUNNERS. When we went to the outside Austin just lit into Angle with some nasty right hands and multiple headfirst trips to the ring-post. Angle bladed after the second ring-post shot and was a Crimson Mask shortly thereafter.

As for psychology, Austin went to work repeatedly on Angle's left knee and ankle. Angle sold like a champion. Angle went to work on Austin's back and his ankle. Austin sold like a champion. We even saw some old school stuff as Austin locked in a Cobra Clutch at one point.

The ending is proceeded by a KICK WHAM STUNNER where Angle kicks at 2. Angle has beaten to a bloody pulp but he is able to pull himself up. Austin slaps his for his trouble and Angle counters with an Olympic Slam. A delayed cover as both men are spent. Austin kicks at 2. Angle with the ankle lock but Austin gets to the ropes to break the hold. Austin takes out Hebner intentionally. Angle nails Austin with a DDT and the new ref is in to count to 2. Austin low blows Angle and KICK WHAM STUNNER's the new ref. Austin with a baseball slide into Hebner to make sure he is still out of commission. Out comes our 3rd ref, Tim White. Austin lays waste to Tim with a belt shot to his head. Angle with another Olympic Slam and the cover. Here comes Nick Patrick from the back to make the count. DING DING DING. Patrick DQ's Austin for excessive abuse of the officials and awards the match to Angle. BOO! HISS! BOO! HISS! Austin retains the title. What a shitty way to end this match. Does Russo have the book again?

Post-match and Angle locks in the ankle lock on flunky referee Nick Patrick. Ross screams "BY GAWD HE WAS SCREWED!" I concur good buddy. 8/10 and approximately 24 minutes. My only hope is that this will make Angle's victory that much sweeter when he eventually goes over Austin and wins the WWF title. I hope we get to see that.

WWF Excess is coming this Saturday to TNN. Triple H is scheduled to appear. I'm not sure I can justify spending another night in front of the television for wrestling.

Recap of the Booker/Rock feud.

I smell a "send the fans home happy" ending.

WCW Championship: Booker T vs The Rock

Shane accompanies Booker T to ringside. Rock goes on offense for the first two minutes. Booker follows with the next 5. Is it just me or does Booker work really, really slow? And that's not a stereotype kids.

About 10 minutes in, Shane labels The Rock with a belt shot. The APA make their way to ringside. Shane eats a Clothesline from Hell from Bradshaw. Back in the ring and Booker hits a Bookend on Rocky. Rocky kicks at 2 as Charles Robinson was late to make the cover as he was checking on Shane. Rock is on fire with punches. An underhook throw by Rock nets a 2 count. Rocky with the Spinebuster and the People'e elbow. Shane regains his senses to break up the count. Shane gets a Rock Bottom on the floor for his trouble. Back in and Booker T with a Spinebuster and a AKS KICK. Booker with the Spinarooni but Rock kips up and nails Booker with a Rock Bottom. 1,2 and 3 and we have a new WCW Champion.

6.5 out of 10 and about 16 minutes total. Not bad but I think it would have made much more sense to put Booker over. Then again, if you had screwed both Angle and Rocky those cops out front would have been in full riot gear as the fans filed out of the Arena.

Overall, some solid wrestling (Jericho notwithstanding) and some asinine booking. An easy thumbs up call but not way, way up there. Let's call it a 7 out of 10. Better yet, let's say it was a 6.8 but we round to nearest highest number. Where do we go from here? I think Angle deserves a rematch next month. He was so over with the crowd that it would be an injustice not to put the belt on him.

What does mean for the Invasion angle? I'm not sure. Your top WCW guy got beat pretty handily by Rocky and there isn't a whole lot of talent waiting in the wings. If Rhyno had gone over Jericho, you might make a case for Rhyno/Rocky feud. I'd love to see it but that won't happen now for many moons. And DDP is in no position to be paired up with The Rock after Taker decimated him in the cage. Perhaps Steiner will join the fed soon. That might jazz things up at the top again. If so, maybe they can feed him Jericho to begin with. Or maybe I could make do with Bradshaw and Farooq laying waste to Jericho before they send his ass to Ohio Valley. I hope that a perma-grin doesn't set back Benoit's recovery.

I AM CANADIAN!

Scott Lumpy Williams
Feature Editor, eWrestling.com