We are live from the Mellon Arena in lovely COUGH Pittsburgh, PA. Billy Gunn beats Tommy Dreamer on Heat. We see more psychology in that match then we will probably see in the Kronik vs. Taker/Kane match later on.

We start with America the Beautiful being performed by the female equivalent of James Brown. HEEEEEYYYYYYCKKK. I FEEL GOOD! Clearasil is proud to present WWF Unforgiven. And you wonder who the target WWF audience is? Fireworks. JR and Heyman are your hosts. Beavis, the coolest Beagle on the planet, is riding shotgun.

WWF Tag Team Championship: Dudleys vs. Hardys vs. Big Show & Spike vs. Storm & Hurricane

Letıs get some of the crap out of the way early. The recapping style will be similar. They fight. They fight some more. I bet you feel like youıre there while reading this eh?

Hardys with dueling topes to the bad guys on the floor. Spike climbs Showıs shoulders and takes out everyone on the floor. Nice spot. Show chokeslams Storm and pins him at about the 7-minute mark. Storm and Helms are BYE BYE FOR YOU. Matt with the Twist of Fate on Spike and the pin about 90 seconds later. BYE BYE for Spike and Show. Duds and Hardys are left. Did I underestimate your powers of deduction?

Jeff hits a corkscrew moonsault on Buh Buh. Matt with a moonsault tope onto both Dudleys on the floor. Matt with a 2nd rope legdrop (HOOOOOOO!) gets a 2 count. Matt goes for Twist of Fate but his pushed into ropes by D-Von. As he comes off 3D! DıVon covers 1,2 Jeff with a Swanton to break up the count. Buh Buh with a sit-down powerbomb on Matt. DıVon covers and gets the 3 to retain the titles.

Call it a 5/10. Everybody worked hard. It wasnıt horrible. The ending was predictable and Teddy Long being caught out of position and hesitating a couple of times in the closing minutes took away from the match. About 15 minutes total.

RVD and Steph talk backstage. Steph all but drops to a knee while praising Van Dam and offering him her ³services². RVD says he is the ²whole damn show². Isnıt this PPV? Bring the profanities!

Cole interviews Judy Bagwell in the front row. Pardon me that was Kurt Angleıs mom and the rest of his family. I see a Hart family moment coming up later on.

Raven/Saturn/Moppy recap.

Raven vs. Saturn

Raven wears a kilt to the ring. RODDY PIPER LIVES! The skirt foreshadows bad things.

AT the 2-minute mark, Raven busts out the Cobra Clutch. WTF? At the 3-minute mark, Terri starts lactating through her shirt. Seconds later Beavis starts licking himself. At about the 5 _ minute mark, Saturn hits the twisting fishermanıs suplex deal and gets the pinfall.

That was mercifully short. Call it 4/10. In a word, the match was ³awkward².

Kurt Angle book ad.

Lillian interviews Christian backstage. Christian has once again raided the 1984 new wave clothing trunk for his ring attire.

Recap of the Edge and Christian feud.

Intercontinental Championship: Edge vs. Christian

They changed up Christianıs entrance music slightly. We brawl to start. We brawl up the ramp. Edge catapults Christian into the steel drum staging. Iım thinking the WWF has blown their PPV set budget already. Back to the ring and its all Edge. We go outside and Christian takes control with his fists. Christian with the nasty heelish trash talking: ³Get Up BITCH!² I donıt think Grandma Edna would approve of such language.

Back in the ring and Edge regains control. Edge is bleeding the hard way under his eye. Double cross-body blocks at the 8-minute mark and both men are down. Edge takes control with a pair of clotheslines and a big back body drop. Edge picks Christian up by his hair a couple of times. Edge-o-matic gets a 2 count. Christian throws Edge to the floor and Edge crawls under it to the other side. Edge with a top rope crossbody on a surprised Christian. That was kinda GAY to tell you the truth.

Christian with a spear on Edge and a 2 count. Christian brings a pair of chairs into the ring. He sets Edge up for the one-man CON-CHAIR-TO. Edge kicks his legs out from under him and Christian eats some chair. Edge turns the tables and sets Christian up for the one-man CON-CHAIR-TO. Ref pulls the chair from Edgeıs hands and Christian takes advantage with a low-blow chairshot to Edge. Christian covers and gets the 3 to become the new IC Champ.

6/10. Solid match but nothing overly special. Iım glad Christian went over so that this feud can continue. LADDER MATCH! LADDER MATCH! It ran about 11 _ minutes.

No Mercy ad. October 21, 2001 from St Louis. Be there or be square! My dog gets up and walks away to the other side of the room in embarrassment.

Kronik vs. Taker/Kane. I instinctively ask Beavis if he needs to take a dump. He doesnıt.

Coach interviews Taker and Kane backstage. I tune it out but I would assume Taker talked about his yard and yada yada yada.

WCW Tag Team Championship: Undertaker & Kane vs. Kronik

We brawl on the outside to start. YEAH! Let the no selling begin! WOOHOO! I must have something better to do. Maybe if I close my eyes I can remember what it is.

A foul odor emanating from the rear-end region of my dog jolts me back to reality. I was having so much fun rubbing my eyeballs and making those freaky colors appear on the back of my eyelids. I come back to the TV to witness Taker completely blown up. Is that Steven Richards? Or is that a Grease-era John Travolta?

The ending comes at about the 10-minute mark (I donıt use a stop watch ok!) with Taker chokeslamming Clarke and covering him for the 3-count. What part of ³division killers² does the WWF creative team not understand? And why is a WWF official refıing a WCW Title Match? Continuity people!

A brutal match. Simply brutal. 1/10. Absolutely no selling, no coordination. Blown spots, blown up wrestlers. Post-match and Richards eats a Kane chokeslam.

American Red Cross ad. The address is www.redcross.org. You should know the drill by now.

Tazz, Booker and Shane ad-lib backstage.

Steph and Coach converse backstage. Steph knocks on RVDıs door and talks to it. Again with the innuendo and a message to destroy Jericho. Jericho is behind her and makes the obligatory breast jokes.

WWF Hardcore Championship: Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho

They ³dance² to start. Jericho is wearing his lifts again. Short bastard!

Letıs try the play-by-play for this one. RVD with a springboard sidekick. Jericho misses a springboard splash and crashes to the floor. RVD with a slingshot tope. RVD misses his spinning legdrop from the apron and crashes shoulder-first into the barricade. Jericho grabs a ladder and rams it into RVDıs head. Jericho works on RVDıs shoulder and brings the ladder into the ring. Jericho with a suplex onto the ladder. 2 count for Y2J. RVD reverses a suplex attempt and suplexes Jericho onto the ladder. OUCH! RVD goes up and misses a dropkick. RVD muscles out of a Walls of Jericho attempt and hits rolling somersault splash on Jericho soon after. RVD with a spinning legdrop. RVD goes up again and Jericho rolls away from a split-legged moonsault. Jericho with a bulldog. RVD moves out of the way of a lionsault. RVD with a spinning heel kick. RVD back up to the top and misses a 5-star. Jericho covers for 2.

Jericho retrieves the ladder and gets drop-toe-hold into it. RVD retrieves a chair and slams Y2J on top of it. RVD sets up ladder and climbs it. Jericho throws the chair at RVDıs face. Jericho climbs ladder and locks in a tarantula while on top of it. YES! My dog turns the channel by accident. I know itıs an accident because heıs a big RVD fan. I turn the channel back and Jericho has thrown Van Dam off the ladder and to the floor.

Jericho flies off the top rope and eats some barricade as RVD moves out of the way. Jericho back on the apron but RVD sends him back to the floor with a spinning heel kick. RVD with a plancha attempt but Jericho greets him with a chair to the head. Jericho gets a 2 count on the floor and comes up bleeding. I donıt think he bladed.

Back in the ring and RVD with a reverse enzuguri. Jericho goes to an armbar but RVD scampers to the ropes. We briefly go the floor and Jericho comes back in with the chair. Jericho works over RVD with chairshots to the shoulder and back. Psychology in a Van Dam match? Steph is out and on the apron to grab the chair. Jericho swings at her but misses. As he turns around VAN DAMINATOR! RVD goes up 5-Star Frogsplash! 1,2,3! RVD retains.

16 minutes and 8/10. Once Steph hit the ring, the finish could be seen from miles away but it was fun! You heard it hear first Rob Van Dam will hold the WWF Title before the end of 2001.

³Donıt try this at home² ad.

Divas in Hedonism ad.

Rock is pacing backstage.

Booker and Shane in the locker room. Shane teases that he will go over Rock and Booker T to become WCW Champion.

Recap of Booker T/Rocky feud.

WCW Championship: The Rock vs. Booker T & Shane McMahon

Letıs pull back from the play-by-play and tell a story instead. The early parts of the match are characterized by Shane and Booker taking control. The odd time when Rocky gets in some offense and tries for the pin, Shane comes in to break it up. Double-teaming dominates the action. Shane hits a barricade clothesline spot and they tease some Spanish Announce Table carnage but nothing comes of it. Heyman worries about the ³poor people in Ecuador² if the announce position is destroyed. Beavis buries his head. I laugh out loud. Jerry who?

The mid-portion of the match sees Shane clock Booker T with the title belt by accident. Shane finally gets it right and labels Rock with the belt and Booker T gets a nearfall. Rocky catches fire and goes to work on both men. Shane lays out Rock and nips up for a Peopleıs Elbow attempt. Rock nips up mid-run and slams Shane down with a Rock Bottom. Booker eats a Spinebuster and Test is in to break up the fall. Outside and Test with a big boot on Rocky. Bradshaw is out to chase Test through the crowd. Nick Patrick rolls a groggy Rock back into the ring as they play up the Alliance screwjob angle. Mike Cioda is out to complain as Shane goes for the cheap cover. Cioda pulls Shane out of the ring. Patrick rolls back into the ring and Rock kicks out of another pinfall attempt. Itıs time to play musical refs.

Cioda takes out the evil WCW Ref. Booker lays out Cioda. Booker goes for bookend but Rocky spins him around. ROCK BOTTOM! Hebner slides into the ring and counts the 3. Rocky retains.

It went about 16 minutes. Call it 6/10. Maybe 6 _. Not a bad effort by those involved. I just question the booking decision again.

No Mercy ad.

Tough Enough ad.

Regal, Tajiri and Torrie talk in the Commissionerıs office.

AT WWF NY Stacy Kiebler shaves her legs. Iım not sure what that had to do with anything.

U.S. Title: Tajiri vs. Rhyno

I really have no explanation as to why this is going on second-to-last. This doesnıt bode well for the match. Itıs going to be a quick ³hit the highspots and get to the main event² match. Too bad.

Tajiri hits a nice springboard moonsault on Rhyno on the floor. Tajiri with a stiff kick to Rhynoıs head. Rhyno follows with the corner Gore. Rhyno with a nasty powerbomb and Tajiri rolls him up for a nearfall. Rhyno with a belly to belly suplex and a 2 count of his own. Tajiri with a rana and the patented handspring reverse elbow. Rhyno counters with a nasty spinebuster and another 2 count.

Rhyno chases Torrie around the ring. Torrie slides into the ring and twists her ankle in the process. Really? I wonder why that happened? Could it be the 3-INCH HEELS?! Rhyno sets up Torrie for the GORE but Tajiri greets him with a kick to the melon.

Tajiri with an Octopus. Tajiri with a 3 second Tarantula. Rhyno counters with a belly to back suplex. Rhyno GORE GORE GORE! New US Champ!

Call it a 5/10 and about 5 minutes. So much for the 12-minute match I wanted. I feel sorry for these guys. They were given a brutal slot on the PPV. The crowd sat on their hands.

Austin/Angle recap.

WWF Championship: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Kurt Angle

Angle attacks Austin on the ramp. The MOFO is on as Angle stomps the hell out of Austin outside and inside the ring.

Angle with a Lou Thesz Press. Angle with a clothesline before perching Austin on the top rope. Angle feeds him with punches and chops. We go outside where Angle rams Austin headfirst into the poor Spanish announce table 3 times. Back inside and Angle is feeding Austin more punches in the corner. A superplex from the 2nd rope and Angle gets a 2-count. Angle sells the neck injury.

Austin locks in a sleeper. Angle counters with a jawbreaker. Angle clotheslines Austin to the floor. Austin grabs his belt and heads towards the back. Angle runs him down at the top of the ramp and throws him 8 feet to the arena floor. On the floor now and Angle makes his family proud with the 2 birds and an audible ³FAH-Q² for Austin. Angle is just killing Austin will punches and stomps. Angle carries him back to the ring.

Austin tires to escape to the outside but eats some ringpost for his cowardice. Kurt pulls back the ringside padding but Austin runs a knee into him from behind. Austin on the attack now. Austin with a piledriver attempt but Angle counters with a backbody drop on the concrete. Angle with chops for Austin and he sets him up for the piledriver. Same spot as before and Austin this time backdrops Angle onto the concrete floor. Austin with 3 front-first suplexes of Angle onto the Spanish Announce Table. It wouldnıt be a Kurt Angle match if furniture actually broke when it was supposed to. Austin is busted wide open. Austin drives the point of his elbow into Angleıs neck. Back inside we go.

They trade punches before Austin regains control and goes to work on Angleıs prone neck. Austin stands on the neck of Angle before rolling outside to flip off Angleıs family. Back inside and Austin with a snapmare and reverse chinlock for Angle. Angle hulks up to the USA chants. They trade nearfalls and punches to each otherıs necks. Angle with 3 rolling German suplexes (why is it always 3 of everything?). Angle continues to sell his neck.

Angle gets crotched on a Moonsault attempt. Angle reverses a superplex attempt into a crossbody. Angle gets 2. Austin with a spinebuster and a kick to Angleıs jewels. Angle counters soon after with a DDT. Angle hits a KICK WHAM STUNNER out of nowhere and gets a 2. Angle with the Nash strap pulldown but Austin blocks Angleıs Olympic Slam. Austin hits his own Olympic Slam and gets a 2 count on Angle.

Austin goes for the piledriver again, this time in the ring. Angle cannot even stand though and slumps back to the canvas each time. Austin finally delivers a Jerry Lawler-esque (i.e. safe) piledriver on Angle. The cover. 1. 2. Kick out by Angle! Austin hammers Angleıs neck from behind. Austin waits for the stunner. KICK! Angle grabs his leg. ANKLE LOCK! Austin crawls for the ropes but Angle pulls him back towards the center of the ring. AUSTIN TAPS! AUSTIN TAPS! Angle is once again the WWF Champion.

Post-match and the Angle family floods the ring to celebrate. Rocky is the first WWF star to congratulate Angle in the ring. The rest of the WWF locker room is not far behind.

Good solid main event with plenty of drama and psychology. Call it a 9/10. Would have been perfect if Angle went over with a clean pinfall victory. I didnıt like the tap out. 24 minutes.

Overall, Unforgiven wasnıt bad. Again, I question the long-term booking. Rocky and the Brothers of Destruction retaining make little sense to me and my kind. After sober second reflection, the Austin submission loss makes a little more sense then it did at the time. You have to keep Austin ³strong² and jobbing the title clean I guess wouldnıt accomplish that end. Then again, Angle is probably losing the title at No Mercy anyway. RVD and Jericho was great. The majority of the undercard was not. Then again, it rarely ever is.

Iım going to call this a 7/10 overall. I was originally thinking a 6 but I got laid this weekend so Iım in a good mood. OH HEAVENıS! A whole recap and not one girlfriend joke! Thatıs just not right. So congratulations to the girlfriend for having the worst week in my NFL pool. 3 and 10! BAHAHAHA!

Thatıs it for me. Iım outta here like the proverbial tree. Sit Beavis sit. Good dog. Thanks for reading.

I AM CANADIAN!

Scott Lumpy Williams
Feature Editor, eWrestling.com