Roll the credits! We're cooking with some pyro and one loud-ass E-C-Dub chant, as we are LIVE on PPV, and if you don't like it, you can go straight to... Hardcore Heaven, 5.14.2K, a presentation of ....ECW [no sponser, no announced attendance], from the Eagles Ballroom of The Rave!

There's your host, Joey Styles, and our good buddy, Cyrus's Personal Pre-PPV Punching Bag. Speak Joey!: "Hello everyone! Welcome to the home of the Brewers! [pause for boos], The Badgers [boos], the bratwursts,[mixed], and the beer![Good pop for that!]. Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Happy Mother's Day, and welcome to ECW Hardcore Heaven 2000. I'm Joey Styles and....   

Gertner's turn: "And well, well, well, WELL. I am the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel "From Milwaukee to Green Bay, all the ladies say, the highlight of their day, is when I shoot my nuts at their face, and SPRAY..."

Long pause to appreciate the loud Gertner chant..."GERTNER!" Both men pause in the ring after soaking in the "Gertner" chant, and look around? Joey feigns shock at Gertner. More looking around and Joey's got the mic again: "That kinda sets the tone for tonight, doesn't it?" Crowd: "E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!" "Well, if the censors don't like it, they can go straight to HELL! Because it is time for Hardcore Heaven." More ADD behavior from them as they take in one more chant. They decide to leave the ring after Joey stalls for a minute or two, and walk back to the broadcast location. After a couple of minutes of staring at the fascinating empty ring, AC/DC cranks up and we managed to waste (7:11: Go get a slurpee, CRZ) with all that, and (2:09) with Balls Mahoney's cool entrance. Did Cyrus get lost somewhere in the back? Finally, they cut off "Big Balls" and let's get this party started right: Masato Tanaka vs "The Hardcore, Chair-Swinging Freak" Balls Mahoney No, wait, *FINALLY* here is Cyrus Da Network Virus, along with Mr. Kanemura of FMW. What is it with sucky production and PPV this month? Grrrrrrr.....I refuse to transcribe. Cyrus insults Gertner, then Kanemura chokes him out, Cyrus takes his color commentator spot, and let's try this ONE MORE TIME: WE REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME...... Masato Tanaka vs "The Hardcore, Chair-Swinging Freak" Balls Mahoney Handshake, tieup, and we're off and running with the obligatory wrestling sequence, Tanaka gets the best of it and secures a hammerlock, double-leg takedown by Balls, and a one-leg Boston crab! Tanaka quickly reaches the ropes fro the break, and Balls whips Tanaka in, clothesline ducked, springboard crossbody gets two. Tanaka reverses the Irish Whip to run RIGHT into a stiff clothesline! Balls whips Tanaka to the ropes, running sequence ends with Balls missing a spinning heel kick and falling to the outside. Pescado is CAUGHT(-!) and Balls bounces Tanaka's head off the [non]safety railing. Balls hotshots Tanaka throat-first across the railing, how about another? BEER CUP shot gets two [just kidding.] Another LETHAL BEER CUP to the head! Tanaka put on the rails again, but he ducks the second attempt and whips Balls to the nonsafety rail. MASATO'S GOT A CHAIR!, exclaims Joey. Running chair shot to the head makes the audience at large cringe. Tanaka sets the chair up, and NAILS a Tornado DDT off the chair onto the ramp! OUCH! That draws the "E-C-Dub!" chant, and gets two when they eventually make it back to the ring. Balls has his painted chair, Tanaka brings his back in, and it's a chair fight! Whack, whack, whack, Balls kicks Tanaka, swats away the chair and THWACK! *BA-RING*, NO SALE! Balls plasters him again. *BA-RING*, NO SALE! Tanaka rules. Running chairshot FINALLY puts him down, but gets just two. Balls does his RVD impersonation by superkicking Tanaka as he slowly returns to his feet, holding his own chair, for two. Balls says,"aw hell, why not?" and puts about 7 chairs into the ring. He piles 'em up, meanwhile Tanaka sneaks up to the top turnbuckle, but Balls sees this, crotches him, and scoops him off the top, but the Nutcracker Suite is reversed into a Tornado DDT onto the pile of chairs! 1,2,NO! Balls questions the count, and you can hear John Finnegan tell him "two minutes." Oops. Roaring Elbow misses, and Balls scoops him for the Nutcracker Suite! 1,2,no dice, Balls whips Tanaka in, running chairshot in the corner misses! 90 seconds guys! Tanaka climbs to the top, and Diamond Dust connects, but gets only two? 60 seconds left as Balls reverses a whip into the corner, tipup is caught, and there's the Nutcracker Suite on the pile of chairs! That gets two and a "E-C-Dub!" chant. Balls climbing to the top [30 seconds!] and the guillotine legdrop misses and there's the Roaring Elbow, and it gets two. Tanaka's got Ball's painted chair - he's upstairs - top rope flying chairshot! "Go home", says Finnegan [TURN THE MICS DOWN, YOU IDIOTS!], and there's Roaring Elbow #2. 1,2,3. (9:14). Postmatch, the Male Bonding Moment, handshake, hug, and raise-hand variety.

Let's hear from Lance Storm [with the lovely Dawn Marie!]: "Justin, I trained you for this business. I taught you respect for this business. I guess you can teach someone but you can't make them learn. You spit on me, you spit on this business, and tonight, I make you pay! You've always had someone watching your back: back in your play, in New York, it was Scott and Kev, in ECW, you used to have me. Tonight, you go it alone, and I will take the ECW World Title from you. Enjoy your moment in the sun, because after tonight, IT'S OVER!" Sounds good to me.

Enter Stage Left Simon Diamond, along with Fruity Mitch, A Dumbass Dressed Like A Muskateer, "The Prodigy" Tom Arquiezz, and Woman To Be Named Later. The magic words "Three Way Dance" are uttered, Simon gives the EXACT SAME "I'm not a comedy act, PLUUUUUUUEASZE Believe me" speech from ECW Hardcore TV a week back, and cue "Theme from Ha-Ha"...

Simon Diamond [w/people as stated above] vs Mikey [with Sinister Minstah] vs Little Guido [w/Sean Shannon's FAVORITE VALET EVER, Sal E.] in a Three Way Dance The right side of Sal E.'s face is taped as Guido enters without incident. Mikey charges in, double elbow by Simon/Guido, handshake is countered to the Impaler, Simon slips out of it, Mikey tries a Whippersnapper, but is shoved into the ropes, and Mikey kicks Simon in the face to prevent a Simonizer on Guido. Mikey tossing them elbows into the face of Guido, have an armdrag, and "Where's my pizza?" chant. Armdrag for Simon, Guido has one for Mikey, Guido slips out of an attempted Northern Lights Suplex by Simon, Mikey dropkicks Guido [Hardcore Holly, Mikey ain't], and superkicks Simon for two. Time for an in-ring TrainWreck Sequence, which Guido gets the better of, landing a 'rana on Simon, and a Tornado DDT, after dumping Mikey to the outside. Tipup in the corner results in a headscissors takedown by Guido, who promptly gets pasted by Mikey with a flying clothesline from the top. Simon saves at two, and rips off Chris Beniot with a triple rolling snap suplex spot, only subsitute the third suplex with a facebuster and pose. Guido dropkicks him in the face, and both cover Simon, but get only two. Simon holding the chair on Guido - Mikey supplies a springboard guillotine legdrop and Guido's down on the outside - Simon tosses the chair into Mikey's face, and Mikey goes down, taking down a cameraman with him. And out go the lights? Who put crack in the production team's coffee? Spotlights are used as a improviso light source as the perceptive crowd chants "You fucked up!". Guido misses with the pescado, and we're in Improv mode here, so cue Simon's circus, as they attack Sal E. on the outside. Simon tries a pescado, but Sal E. easily catches him, despite the efforts of his clown crew. Mikey is the wind that blows the stack over, as he pulls out a pescado of his own. When we finally get back to the ring, some of the lights have returned, and cue a TrainWreck Sequence, ending with a top rope bulldog [called "Sicilian Slam"? by Joey] by Guido on Simon, saved by Mikey at two. Irish whip is reversed by Mikey, but Simon counters a 'rana attempt with a falling powerbomb for two. Guido in, Simon kicks him, going for the Simonizer, but AGAIN Mikey superkicks him to prevent that, and covers both men for two. Guido on top - Mikey crotches him, and sets up the top-rope Whippersnapper, but decides to abort, sidestepping a Simon charge to the corner. Whippersnapper on Simon. 1,2,3! (5:38). Guido immediately off the top with the crossbody, but Mikey rolls through and gets two. Token lockup sequence ends with Mikey grabbing a double-underhook, lift Guido up, airplane spin, and drops him face-first [Pedigree variation]! HOLY SHIT, That one echoed ALL OVER the Rave! "Holy shit" chant is echoed by me and the PPV audience at large. What a spot. It only gets two? Hell. Guido recovers, and nabs a "Side Italian Legsweep" thanks to a timely Sal E. distraction for two. "Leaning Tower of Pisa" elbowdrop from Sal's shoulder's falls wide of the mark, as Mikey is being handed something by Mr. Ha-Ha. Fireball to the face of Sal! Unfornuately for Mikey, this allows Guido to sneak up and nail the Tomikaze/Impaler for the pin. (7:11-No CRZ joke this time).

Justin Montoya speaks, and gets the /(slash?)ignore from me due to the second-rate HHH imitation. Better luck next time, Alpo. Francine sure does like stroking that Singapore cane, doesn't she?

Check out ECWrestling.com. Please? If we mention that "practically naked pics of Electra" are posted there? C'mon, be a pal. Upcoming Events are also mentioned here.

Oh damnit all to hell, enter Lou E. Dangerously and the New Ludicrious Alliance, with "Not Carmen" Elektra [wearing a Lou E. jacket & silver hip boots]. "Shut the fuck up" chant sums up my sentiments exactly as Lou E. does his "cheap heat" routine. I'm not transcribing this: wait, damn, he's still got the mic. The things I do for you guys: "And tonight, I have my most important announcement EVER, to all you perverts who think Elektra is just another pretty face, you've got another think coming. What you are looking at is a woman who's never had plastic surgery. ["Show your tits" chant]. What you're looking at is a woman who never has to wear an ounce of makeup to look good. ["Bullshit" chant cracks me up - I'm really getting a kick out of the Milwaukee crowd tonight.] What you're looking at is a woman that is not just tits and ASS. ["Bullshit" chant again]. In other words, what you are looking at is the toughtest woman in the wrestling business today. And if there's anybody in the entire wrestling industry that dares, I invite them to come down to the ring and try to kick her ass!" Ye Olde Open Challenge time, and it looks like Jazz is gonna answer the challenge? Right hand for C.W. Anderson, Jazz Stinger for Billy Wiles, and off comes the jacket - to reveal a Mike Awesome tshirt. Jazz hits the Falcon Arrow (~!!) on Elektra, then rips off the t-shirt to reveal the tiny string one-piece Elektra's wearing underneath. There's your token T&A for today, I'd wager, and C.W. NAILS Jazz with a superkick. Spinebuster, and we're just waiting for the run-in here as Wiles and Anderson kick Jazz. Yep, here's Kid Kash to save his oft-maligned tag team partner. Backdrop over the top for Wiles, dropkick for Anderson, and here's the crowd dive by Kash, wiping out Wiles and landing 3 rows back. "E-C-Dub!" chant for the wicked landing by Kash. After Kash returns to the ring, C.W. Anderson asks Kid, "how about a match?" Sure, why not... "The Enforcer" C.W. Anderson [w/Skanky and the New Ludcrious Alliance] vs Kid Kash Kash charges Anderson, who is standing on the apron, but Anderson ducks, and enters with a left hand. Lockup sequence is all Kash, who ducks a clothesline and hits a 'rana, Anderson with the arm drag, Kash dropkicks him [now THAT's a dropkick] and hits a 'rana on the entering Billy Wiles. Chops are traded [Whoooo!], and Kash reverses the Irish Whip to hit a headscissors takeover, but a 'rana attempt is countered this time into a sweet release powerbomb for two. Kash is on top, but misses whatever move he was going for and gets tossed to the outside to get stomped on by Wiles. Wiles hotshots him on the guardrail throat-first, then tosses him back in. Kash whipped in, but ducks the clothesline, runs up the corner, and nails a springboard crossbody for two. Cue a TrainWreck Wrestling Sequence, Kash ends up in the corner, moonsault is caught by Anderson, and the head-and-arm Tazzplex gets two. Match slows down, so fastforward to C.W. hitting a wicked powerslam for two, and Wiles running in after Kash ducks a Stinger Splash in the corner. Wiles holds Kash for a Lou E. cellphone shot, but irony intervenes and Wiles gets conked. C.W. nails a superkick, hand-cross-throat gesture, and Anderson goes up top? Whoa, buddy. Just as Joey completes my thought about that "Being unfamiliar terrority for Anderson", Kash is up and nailes a super-Frankensteiner for the three! (6:01)

RVD promo. Fonzie's screeching gives me an excuse to give them the pass. Hear that noise? They're warming up the ICBM of Plot....anyway, RVD is ready, and confident because he's got Fonzie and Scotty in his corner.

Joey tries to cover for the awfully screwy opening by claiming he saw Dreamer staggering in, a bloody mess, apparently attacked by Credible. Yeah, likely story, buddy, get Cyrus a chartered jet next time.

THE BALD GUYS VS CHETTI/NOVA VS "DASTARDLY" DANNY DORING AND THE 'KILLMEISTER in a ECW Three Way Dance

Doring and 'Kill attack to jumpstart the match, and DeVito takes a spill off the ramp into the nonsafety railing. Doring follows to attack, and Nova is in the air already, nailng them with a no-hands plancha. Angel ends up in the ring with Nova and Chetti, and they have some fun using him as a double-team kicking bag. Angel gets dumped out, and here comes Doring and 'Kill - they pair off, Chetti and Kill and Doring and Nova - *Trainwreck Wrestling Sequence alert* Doring hits Nova with the Bareback, and Roadkill SPINKICKS Chetti! Fast little big guy, Roadkill is. Chetti gets tossed to the outside, back in are the Baldies, who miss a double clothesline on Roadkill - Kill up on the ropes - springboard double clothesline! Nova takes the opportunity to hit the senton bomb [oddly, Joey calls it "Swanton"] on DeVito for two. On the other side, Doring STRIKES with the Lancaster Lariat of Lust, getting two on Chetti. Springboard sidekick by Nova knocks Doring out and the Dirt Road Slam by Kill on Chetti gets two. Man, this one is going nowhere fast.

Baldies get a Double Flapjack on Roadkill, followed by the double chokeslam through two chairs that the Harris Boyz made SO popular [sarcasm alert]. It gets two. Chetti is backdropped out, leaving Nova, Kill and the Baldies in the ring - Doring and Chetti brawling on the outside. Doring back in as Nova hits a neat DDT/Stunner double move on the Baldies and here comes the run-in of choice, Vic Grimes [w/ gee-tar], but Doring foils an El Kabong on Chetti and hits the Bareback and a legdrop on him. Unfornuately for Doring, beating up Grimes allows Angel to pick up the fallen guitar - vicious El Kabong on Doring gets three. (4:19 - Got a Minute?)   

The heck with the people STILL in the match, we watch as Roadkill attacks Grimes, and puts him through the table with the Amish Splash! Lots of punch -n -kick by the Baldies - ah hell, fast-forward to Nova hitting a Diamond Cutter variation, Chetti hits the Amityville Horror and the Tidal Wave by the talented duo for the win. (6:39)

Baldies continue the beatdown and if you've been watching ECW for any length of time, you've probably already said, "T, that's "Natural Born Killaz" blaring and here comes NUJACK." What a perceptive reader! Jack's got the stapler and the fork - it's blading practice for the Baldies! Devito and Jack into the crowd, and just to piss me off more, Jack dives off the balcony and squashes DeVito, who is laying on a table about 15 ft below. Go figure though, SECURE FOOTING sure makes pulling off a DIVE easier, eh, Paul E.? Back to the ring goes Da Gangsta, and if you're keeping score, Angel is the only Baldie still around, and whatakwinkiedink, he's the guy Jack's been gunning for these last six months. Nova and Chetti hold Angel for El Kabong, and Jack off the top with a flying chairshot [called the "187" by Cyrus]. Let's count 3 just for laughs - no, wait, I guess this was for the "King of the Streets" title (about 2:55), and Jack finally has his revenge.

ECWrestling.com and Upcoming Event Spots happen here. Hear Dave Scherer's name uttered on live PPV TV!

Cut to "DA KING OF OLD SCHOOL" STEVE CORINO [w/Jack Victory] in mid-entrance, and before he can start talking, music plays, specifically that of "THE JAPANESE BUZZSAW AND GENERAL BADASS" TAJIRI. Let's hear from Shrimpy: "Tajiri, let's not waste any time. You and me go way back. We don't have to fight in front of these morons in Milwaukee, and the millions of people watching on PPV don't deserve to watch us fight. I've said it three times now - people make mistakes. You made a big one when you turned your back on the Network. I'm a forgiving man, Tajiri, I'm giving you one last shot to get the rocks out of that Jap head of yours, and come back to me, cause if you don't come back to me, you slant-eyed bastard, I'm gonna kick your ASS!" Tajiri considers this for a second, and then kicks Corino right in the head!

Tajiri continues to lay the smackdown, and cue the run-in of KANEMURA, who hits a Death Valley Driver, and then Tajiri gets the better of him, and now Victory is back up, and they are two, and he's one, so the beatdown is on, and here's DUSTY RHODES? to make the save? Elbow for Victory, punch for Kanemura, bionic elbow to Victory! Anutha for Kanemura, and as if this wasn't overbooked enough, here's RHI-NOOOOO THE COOKIE MONSTER to tip the scales back in the heels favor. Say, is that Metallica I hear firing up? ECW World Television Title Match - Rhino (c) vs The Original Hardcore Icon The Sandman Sandy does the full 5 minute "through the crowd" spiel, and damned if it isn't still one of the most amazing entrances in the business. Punch, kick, clothesline, as Joey Styles admits, "this will not be a wrestling match, this is a street fight." Sounds good to me: so, instead of indepth play-by-play, allow me to list the wrestling moves in ORDER, and to be fair, we'll allow Rhino's "gore" as a move: Sandman's Guillotine legdrop on Rhino perched on the rail; Rhino putting himself through a table with a full running start; a pair of piledrivers [and a pair of two counts] for Sandy; one piledriver by Rhino; piledriver from the apron through a table on Lori Fullingtion; and Rhino goring hubby and wife through the table. Evenly distribute 5 minutes of punch-kick, a pinch of run-in (Steve Corino & Victory) and allow to sit for (6:21), and wha-la. Rhino retains - NEXT, please.

Rob Van Dam (w/Scotty "Me, Unhappy? NO WAY, man" Anton and Fonzie) vs Jerry Lynn Both men enter without incident. "Welcome Back" chant for RVD: Joey rightfully points out that this attention is what pissed Jerry Lynn off. Lockup, standing switch, takedown by Lynn, rolled through by RVD, headscissors takeover countered into a bridged rollup for 1. Clean break: RVD poses and soaks in a "Whole Fucking Show" chant. Tieup once more, side headlock to the ropes, whip to the ropes, shoulderblock by RVD, whipped again, leapfrog by Lynn, slide-thru by RVD, legsweep ducked, front kick by Lynn, whip to corner is reversed by RVD, tipup, RVD up top, backflip splash misses, RVD lands on his feet, Lynn slide-thru, clothesline ducked, legsweep by Lynn, elbowdrop misses, somersault legdrop by RVD fins nothing but mat, and end Chain Wrestling Sequence #2 with a huge "E-C-Dub!" chant and some love for Jerry Lynn. RVD poses again [KA-BLAM! KA-BLOOIE! RVD has an EGO! KABOOM! ECW BLASTING CAP OF PLOT strikes again.]

Tieup #3 to a side headlock again, RVD backflips to escape a move, spinning heel kick #1 misses, #2 finds the mark, and RVD hits a sweet cartwheel backflip splash for two as Cyrus does the ol' "Educated feet" routine. Mosing posing by RVD [KABOOM! PLOT POINT: RVD is full of himself. KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM! DO YOU GET IT YET ALREADY? RVD IS EGOSTITICAL! KABOOM!] and Lynn dropkicks him in the back. "Fuck 'em up Jerry" chant for that. Irish whip is reversed and RVD goes outside courtesy a Lynn springboard dropkick. Slingshot somersault plancha by Lynn! RVD whipped to the rail, but grabs Lynn running in and crotches him on the guardrail. Fonzie has a chair in the background as RVD sidekicks Lynn off the railing. Ouch! Fonzie holding the chair on Lynn's head - corkscrew guillotine legdrop! OUCH! "Holy shit" chant is again well deserved, as RVD rolls back in for some more posing [KABOOM! RVD'S GOT AN EGO! KABOOM! PLOT POINT YOU MIGHT WANNA KNOW! KABOOM! BAM! WHACK!]. 

RVD rolls back outside, kicks Lynn for laughs, whips to the rail is reversed, Lynn charges in and eats a big boot, moonsault by RVD misses, Lynn rolls him back into the ring, cover for two. Suplex hold - Lynn drops RVD facefirst, to the corner, up top, and the TNT legdrop from the top gets two. Both men back to their feet, Irish whip is reversed, RVD's got Lynn by the head, Lynn drops RVD with the tornado DDT for two! Back up, whip is reversed by Lynn, Lynn charges into RVD's boot, pickup by Lynn, tornado DDT blocked, clothesline ducked, spin kick misses, and the double clothesline puts both men down! Fonzie brings in a chair here, I should note. RVD first to his feet, off the ropes with a backflip, picks up the chair, chair toss, Lynn tosses it right back in RVD's face(!), catches it on the rebound, swings at Fonzie , spin kick is ducked, chair dropped, legsweep is reversed to a FameAsser for two. Lynn up, suplex hocked, RVD blocks, spinning heel kick gets two, Fonzie tosses a chair in, RVD rolling with it, ROLLING SENTON SPLASH with the chair! Back up now, RVD tells Fonzie "watch this", then whips Lynn to the corner, charges in, hits the brakes and nails an inverted atomic drop. Backflip, catches the chair, runs to the corner, running stomp with the chair(!) and that gets two. Whip in, RVD drops the chair in the ring, runs up the corner, Lynn jumps to the second rope, ducks a right, and powerbombs RVD onto the chair for two! Lynn grabs RVD, and sets him up top for the SUPERPLEX! RVD is back up, whipped to the corner, Lynn gets backdropped out, and in a great spot, Lynn telegraphs a spinning heel kick and when RVD ducks, drops the leg across the back of his head! Yeah! Lynn sits up a table on the outside, then grabs RVD by the hair - tornado DDT is blocked, clothesline misses, RVD backdropped into the ring, suplex sinched up, Lynn reverses and crotches him on the top, BULLDOG through the table! Too bad that the landing hurt Lynn more than RVD. Lynn is back up first, and climbing the buckles as Scotty is helping RVD out of the wreckage - Lynn leaps and RVD moves, causing Scotty to take the rolling shoulderblock from the top. [KABOOM!] Back in the ring, scoop slam by Lynn, he goes up top, and Fonzie crotches him, allowing the two to execute a TOP ROPE Van Daminator. And holy shit, that looked like it killed Lynn. RVD isn't done - he places the chair on Lynn's prone form, up top he goes and ..hits the Five Star Froggie on Lynn with a chair on top of Lynn! Bust out the painkillers, they're gonna need 'em.

And damnit, here comes Corino and Victory AGAIN, Lynn and RVD easily clear the ring of them, and overbooking is the theme of the day, and here comes Rhino and Cyrus. Rhino gores Lynn, then RVD suffers a powerbomb. RVD won't stay down that easily, though, and eventually gets Rhino with a spinkick to the face, and a leaping sidekick from the second buckle. Cyrus is in - RVD tosses him the chair - VAN DAMINATOR! RVD grabs the chair again - Lynn ducks the chair toss, Fonzie catches it, and Lynn Van Lynninator's Fonzie! Lynn grabs the chair again, but RVD hits the Van Daminator when he turns around. RVD to the top....

*Warning-old people on heart medication, and people prone to shock should skip this part. Thank you.*

and Scotty Anton shoves RVD off. NEVER SAW THAT COMING, no sir, complete swerve - geez, even the most naive mark saw THAT one coming.

*End of shock warning*
Scotty tosses RVD back in, Lynn with the cradle piledriver for two. Lynn then hits the cradle piledriver on the chair for the pin. (19:48)

Toss to Joey to voiceover a replay of the match, and to speculate whether or not Lynn saw Scotty's assist. That's the music of JUSTIN MONTOYA if I'm not mistaken....

Yep, enter the ECW Champ along with OBSCENE, and god help us, Alpo has the mic. Anyways, the gist of his rambling is that he wants a one-on-one with Lance Storm, and if Dreamer sets foot in the ring, he's gonna throw the belt in the trash and "you'll never see him in this organization again." Promise, Alpo? "Man in the Box" brings out Dreamer to take exception: THE BOSS and assorted ECW officials block his path as Credible taunts him from the safety of the ring. Enter Lance Storm [w/the lovely Dawn Marie] who gets into it with Dreamer. Eventually, Dreamer shakes his hand, and very reluctantly walks to the back, flipping Paul E. off all the way to the curtain. Thus starts: ECW World Title Match - Justin Credible vs Lance Storm [w/Dawn Marie] Storm's kinda upset about that giving up the tag titles thing, and abuses Credible, tossing him to the outside. When Credible finally makes it back in, Storm all over him, front kick, whip, standing dropkick knocks Credible outside, Storm with the pescado right into a Singapore Cane shot! Chopfest ensues, and they spill in and outta the ring, with Credible setting up a table inbetween their random brawling. Finally, Storm tosses Credible back in, ANOTHER chopfest, Storm whips Credible to the corner, charges, and eats a BIG boot for his trouble. Storm gets punch-kicked down in the corner, and Credible drags him out of the corner via his feet and powerbombs him for two. Snapmere takeover, and the headlock by Credible. Storm fights out, off the ropes, hits the sunset flip WITH AUTHORITY [as in emphasis, not a Cartman-idolizing Internet personality] but gets only two. Back to their feet, Credible gets the clothesline, another chop war [Whooo!], thumb to the eye leads to another headlock, Storm fights out, Whip to the corner reversed, Storm hits the rana for two. Back up, Whip is reversed by Credible, kick ducked, flying elbow gets two for Storm. Nice jawbreaker by Storm! Drop kick gets two. Headbutt by Credible, going for That's Incredible, Storm reverses to a Northern Lights [con bridge] for two. Back up, Storm completely misses ..something, allowing Credible to hit the superkick for two. Credible sets up a chair, and slams Storm's head into it. Credible's upstairs - Storm rolls through on the crossbody to get 2.9. Credible up first, abdominal stretch attempt is countered, Credible shoves Storm out of that, hip toss blocked, and Storm hip tosses Credible over the top rope, and through the table on the outside that was set up two paragraphs ago. He drags Credible back in to cover for two. Credible tries a takedown - roll thru - single leg Boston Crab! Francine saves with the high heel of doom to the head, Dawn Marie in to take exception and there's your CAAAATFIGHT! Credible pulls Dawn off of Francine, and hits her with That's Incredible [man, the male-on-female violence level was jacked up to 9 tonight]. Storm canes him when he turns around, then hits the Deep Impact piledriver for two. Piledriver attempt is countered into That's Incredible - and that gets only two. Credible hits a swinging DDT out of the corner for two. Double underhook by Credible - hotshot drop, and there's a slingshot by Storm - Credible hangs on and hooks a leg for two. Storm up, kick, and a dropkick to the face of Credible. Storm's upstairs - crotched by Credible - scoop - That's Incredible #2. 1,2,3. (12:29)

MATCH BY MATCH BREAKDOWN
The Production- I don't normally comment on the enviromental factors, but allow me to make an exception and give ECW a Thumbs Way the Hell Down for the awful production of this show.

Tanaka-Balls - Nifty little opener, and a solid match, even though it was reliant on chair violence. An ECW Opener not sucking? Stop the f'n presses! Thumbs Up

Promos - Lance Storm's was suprisingly good, and gets a Thumbs Up. RVD's spot did it's job, even if they HAMMERED the heel turn to death, so Thumbs Up. Credible's lame HHH impression gets the Thumbs Down. 

Simon-Mikey-Guido - The wrestling was good to decent, the booking was atricious, and the ending sucked. Due to the lights going out, though, this one may have gone off course, so call it a Thumbs in the Middle.

Kash- C.W.Anderson - Decent wrestling, good booking, good finish. When did Kash stop sucking? And who put C.W. under the learning tree? He showed more wrestling acumen and talent then in his last three PPV appearances combined. Thumbs Up. 

Baldies-Doring/Kill-Chetti/Nova- Lose the Baldies and you've got yourself a dream match for the Tag Team Titles. This one had no real flow to it, just a spotfest & mindless violence, and the Baldies were involved, so we'll go the middle ground, Thumbs in the Middle

New Jack - He almost killed himself last time. Thumbs Down - and I will award this rating to any NuJack segment until he stops doing the dive. It's POINTLESS.

Corino-Tajiri - Violent and bloody - and they gave Corino and Tajiri TEN minutes to beat the hell out of each other. Thumbs Up and Match of the Night

Sandman-Rhino - This one was literally a bunch of whatever. When Sandman's the most talented wrestler in the ring, you're in trouble. Why does Lori keep getting involved? Thumbs Down

RVD-Lynn- The usual wrestling classic from these two, but the booking kinda killed the "special" feel of this match, from the mid-match run-in(s) to the so-freaking-obvious even the "mark" marks saw it coming heel turn by Scotty. The match was still good, but overkill on the storyline. Thumbs Up

Storm-Credible- I said in my preview that it was up to Lance Storm to make this a good WRESTLING match, and he delivered as much as you would expect, given his opponent, in what is probably his last ECW PPV appearance, doing the clean job to Credible. Thumbs Up

Overall - Aside from the poor production and overbooking hell in RVD-Lynn, this was an entertaining and well-presented show from top to bottom. Sandman-Rhino was the only match on this card I gave the big "razz" to, and it could have been saved by the storyline. ECW managed to rebound from a horrible Living Dangerously, and deliver an entertaining, if unspectacular show. Thumbs Up.

Parting Shots - In my LD 2000 Parting Shots, I pointed out the lack of an internal focus in addition to the injuries and poor storyline. It's apparent now that due to the inability of ECW to keep people under contract, and injuries that booking beyond the next episode of ECW on TNN is an exercise in futility at best in today's ECW environment.

It's painfully evident that ECW is low on main-eventers as well. Sabu? Gone, and languishing in the indies, only by the miracle that ECW actually managed to hold him to his contract. Mike Awesome was built up for six months, and jumped as soon as a window was opened. Sandman? Jobbing to Rhino, collecting a check for having a five minute entrance. Mikey Whipreck? Midcard hell, albeit in an entertaining angle with Sinister James. Spike Dudley? Still out for another two months: Guilty as Charged was a mere 4 months ago, and EVERYONE who was in a marquee match on that card [save RVD and Credible] is either gone, injured, or on their way out [Storm, Raven].

ECW needs to take a hard,long look at hated competitors WCW. Hotshot booking and short-term planning is what eventually sunk the once-great promotion. But first things first: somebody in ECW needs to hire a GOOD lawyer, and the jokes that are ECW contracts need to be abolished in favor of ones that actually work. Mike Awesome is just one example of many. Seriously - this one move alone would put an end to the "outta nowhere talent raids" and allow for long-term booking/planning. Handshake deals should stay a thing of the past, now that the last person on a handshake deal [Storm] is leaving, EVERYONE you have is under contract [if ECW is not misrepresenting the story to the sheets] and let's keep it that way.

To put things in perspective: ECW is astoundingly resilient. On the smallest budget in the industry, with almost no name value stars, one cable show, and PPV, ECW is giving WCW, the mega media giant with the bottomless pocket, most of the main event talent in the industry circa 1985-1996, and five hours of cable, a run for their money. But promotions do fold; it happens every day. And the chances increase and the clock ticks a little faster with each up and coming star that the WCW or the WWF loots in the prime of their career. The list of former ECW stars is staggering: Cactus Jack, Jericho, Al Snow, Beniot, Guerrero, Saturn, Steve Austin, Dean Malenko, Rey Mysterio, Konnan, Bam Bam Bigelow, Shane Douglas, and on and on. And the more names the Big Two add to the list, the less names ECW will have to survive on.

And can even God help them if someone signs away RVD?

Time to put this one in the books, and worry not - you still *can* quote me on that.