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/5 February 2000

WWF Jakked by Marc Taylor




As I type this up, I'm not in the greatest of moods, although the 20 ounces of Storm(caffeine is my god) I'm drinking and the Black Sabbath I'm listening to are helping a bit. Still, I'll probably unleash more hatred than normal this week.

Godfather and D'lo Brown w/skanky hos vs. The Headbangers
Godfather/D'lo is pretty close to the definitive mismatched tag team. I mean, D'lo is fucking KINGSIZED with all his talent, while Godfather is so horribly, horribly untalented that he needs several pairs of breasts and a completely ridiculous, business exposing maneuver(the Ho Train), to get over at all. I don't have anything against Charles Wright as a person, but GAWD does he suck as a wrestler. Oh yeah.... the match..... The Headbangers team up for a bigass flapjack on D'lo that looked super hurty. D'lo makes a comeback, tags in Godfather, who does his normal crappy moves, then brings D'lo back in to hit the LoDown frogsplash(get well soon, Eddy) for the victory at 3:42.

Shitty WWF Superbowl commercial that ABC refused to air. I'm not sure how any of those ads were supposed to appeal to people who weren't already familiar with the superstars that were imitated in them.

On Smackdown- Well It's a Big Freddie Mercury showed HHH what he needed to see, videotaped proof that Rocks' feet hit first at the Rumble. Next we see the Rikishi vs. Freddie Mercury match, where the Big Slow couldn't beat Rikishi, so he grabbed a chair and a DQ loss. And then the Rock ran in and chaired Big Freddie Slow just because Rock's an asshole.

Wrestlemania 2000 is in 8 weeks, hopefully long enough for Eddy Guerrero to heal up and WHIP SOME ARSE!

Big Bossman vs. Stevie Richards(as Bossman)
Bossman challenges Stevie to twirl the nightsick. Yay. Bossman uses that 'I'm standing on your hair and lifting your arms so your hair gets pulled' move that I last remember seeing when he faced Knuckles Nelson on a previous Jakked. Stevie gets a couple of kicks in, then a StevieKick, and heads to the middle rope, but Bossman catches him in midair and hits the Bossman slam for the pin. 3:38

Recaps- On Raw, Eddy Guerrero, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Chris Benoit showed up at ringside, and Road Dogg attacked them, spawning the beautiful beating they gave the Outlaws. HHH turns down their request for employment, so they come out to give him a nice beating as well. This takes us to Smackdown, where the four were given a 'tryout' against DX members; Xpac squeaked by Malenko, Eddy fucked up his arm,giving the Outlaws a win over he and Saturn, and HHH squeaked by Benoit.

XFL Press Conference footage- football is the only 'real' sport I like, so I have no problem with another league to watch. But nobody outside of wrestling fandom has ever taken anything Vince McMahon has said or done seriously, and this will be no exception.

Gangrel w/Luna vs. Prince Albert
Hayes and Coachman at ringside are forced to whore themselves out to the XFL as they discuss the footage we just saw. Albert dominates the early proceedings with his power stuff, so Gangrel goes after his legs to counterattack. Albert's legs give out on a slam attempt, giving Gangrel a 2 count. Gangrel is unable to avoid the pumpkick, and Albert continues to sell the leg by collapsing onto Gangrel for the cover. 1, 2, 3. 5:19

Funaki vs. Mideon
I really hoped Funaki would be able to drain some of the suck out of Mideon for at least these few minutes, but no dice. Funaki counters a powerbomb attempt with a 'rana that Mideon takes well enough, but later on, Mideon does the single worst armdrag I have ever seen. Fucking Dennis Rodman did a better armdrag than that. Funaki comes back, and then gets Mideon in the corner for a 'rolling reverse neckbreaker' for lack of a better term off the second rope, but Shitteon rolls ovwer oh so slowly, making the move look horrible. Shitteon gets the momentum back, and hits his inverted ddt, which I guess was only called 'the H bomb' for maybe a week, for the win at 3:39.

As usual, Heat hype closes the show, and as usual, I'm too lazy to get this thing done before Heat starts. (It's not on in California yet! ;-) - CRZ)

Marc "the Mark" Taylor
[slash] wrestling

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