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/7 October 2000

WWF Jakked


Guest columnist: The Cubs Fan


You know, the only reason CRZ's doing that WOW is that I'm coming dangerously close to out doing him in number of shows. (Hey, why can't the world revolve around me? That'd rock.) Either that, or it sure looks hilariously bad.

Cue that intro. You know, if Chyna and Road Dogg are such good friends, why is there a shot of Chyna smashing him with a chair?

If I say anything that doesn't make much sense, blame it on me being distracted by this Mets/Giants game during the first viewing, and not correcting it when I went back later to fix the details. (Yea, that's a good excuse - for this week.)

Coach starts off - with hype of Chicago and the XFL? I'm unused to getting locally-aimed wrestling television (which only really exists in New York), ever since Worldwide stopped airing the locker room interviews hyping local events, and started stiffing us with generic promos instead.

Your Hosts are Jonathan Coachman and Kevin Kelly (who apparently spends too much time e-mailing people - or so I've heard.) They're assisted by some sound tech who can't turn the announcers to the proper level for the whole, I guess. Actually, I'm not sure if it's just to quiet, or if the sound quality is worse this week.

Dean Malenko (w/chick, wo/the LH belt) and Crash (w/chick, wo/a last name) vs You Betta Recognize Lo Down
Dean gives a chick to Crash as they come down the aisle. Hmm. I can only recap on weeks these two teams meet. I may get bored and do a tag team ladder. Or maybe I'll do some work, who knows? BTW, it's L-O D-O-W-N. Do I need to get Jeff Jarrett over here so you can spell it without the extra W? You know why this "Private Eye" gimmick Dean's doing isn't getting over? He's not doing anything different in the ring. I do have a (chris) jones to pull out Perfect Dark and play. Should I unpause and get to action? Maybe. Is that Chaz singing in D'Lo's song now? Nah. We'll start with Chaz and Dean. Lockup, knee to the midsection by Chaz, shot to the turnbuckle, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick. Chaz celebrates. Dean goes after him, eats back elbow. Chaz with a headlock, off the ropes, shoulder block. Off the ropes, over the drop down, under the leap frog, Dean with the hiptoss, blocked and hit by Chaz instead. Chaz tries to follow up, kicked away. Chaz charges, right into a drop toe hold. Dean dropkick, and picks up Chaz in an armbar. Tag to Crash, who gets in a kick. Double whip, double back elbow. Crash with kicks, corner whip, Crash-er Splash misses, and Chaz hits a high back suplex. Kick to the back, tag to D'Lo. Crash crawls for his corner, but gets kicked to a halt by D'Lo, who tags Dean for the heck off it. Forearm, punch, slam by D'Lo. D'Lo going to the top, as Essa's half brother comes to bat. D'Lo regressed back 3 years, and misses a moonsault (which would start the baby face comeback every time he was teaming with the rest of the Nation), and it's time to race to a tag. Both in at the same time, but a spin kick by Dean with a heel kick, whip, backdrop. The announcers (who may not even know there's a match going on) hype the Hitmen/Enforcers game, which will be happening 2/24, 4 months from now. There's a backdrop for D'Lo, and Crash is tagged back in. The LHs beat Lo Down down in opposite corners, but Lo Down take control. Cross whips, but D'Lo is reversed, and eats heel kick from Dean. Chaz tries a clothesline, but Dean ducks and Crash hits one of his own. Double clothesline on D'Lo, knocking him out of the ring. Double whip on Chaz, he ducks the double clothesline, and Dean gets pulled out. Hmm, this seems familiar. Chaz goes for the fireman's carry flapjack, but Crash slips out, there's the Sudden Impact, and a win. (3:20) Yes, they were the legal men. D'Lo ain't having none of that - forearm from behind, whip, Crash goes Sky Hi. Chaz with a back elbow for Dean, and double team stomp down on Crash. Play their music!
Your Winner: Dean Malenko and Crash

Still to come, more Kurt/Steph/Triple H fun and T&A (with Test and Albert) is in the house. Next, Steve Austin don't see eye to eye.

RAW on TNN ad here.

It's nice to see Tim Meadows finnaly get off Saturday Night Live. But I'm not seeing that movie.

WOW! Look how many camera angles we can show you of one chinlock!

Milky Way's Slam of the Week is Steve Austin showing Tazz what "We've got Pop" means.

That leads nicely into the Austin/Foley video piece. My theory is that you're not reading this report as your primary info source for WWF angles. Instead, I'll just annoy you and say "CRZ didn't note it, but when Jericho first came out on Smackdown, the announcers were giving him a slightly heelish twinge." And since CRZ didn't mention Jericho during his recap (and he's on the booking committee, of course), I think we've got total confirmation. Why am I talking about CRZ this much in a Jakked recap? We've got really bad audio during the Smackdown clip package, like the secondary audio or something. Maybe it was this bad on Smackdown, I dunno. I wonder who's getting the royalties from Austin's T-Shirts if he's not. Clip package is (6:15)

Coming up, Perry Saturn and the wonderful world of marriage. But next, Chyna shows how to use a pen.

Heat on MTV ad here.

And here's a Battledome one.

Jakked is brought to you by some people. I would tell you, but I wasn't paying attention and I'm not rewinding.

Chyna gets nude and a lot of people see. TRL. You've seen this before, I bet. I really don't care too much. (1:26)

T&A (w/Trish) vs Two Dudes Without Attitude
Kevin Kelly: "Trish looks kinda like JR, with that Stetson hat on." Raw on TNN plug. The later team doesn't get graphics, so I'm guessing on their name. Guy In Red Tights with a series of punches on Albert, but that's corner whip ain't going work, Albert's going no where. Red guy goes for more shots, and kicks before trying again. It ends up worse this time, with the Man with No Name being thrown back into the turnbuckle. Kevin Kelly says it's J.R. Ryder (you'd think he wouldn't wait in hyping his stablemate.) Albert with kicks, corner whip, J.R. kips up, Albert charges out, Ryder with a weird rollup that ends up being a Sunset Flip, but Albert grabs him by the neck to pick him up and throw him in the corner. Nice double underhook hanging suplex by Albert, and he tags out to Test. Double whip, double flapjack. Test throws Ryder into the corner, but his partner (now revealed as Vincent Goodnight) can't even manage to make the tag before getting in. There's the tag, and now Test can beat him up. Vincent ducks the clothesline, only to get a tilt-a-whirl slam. Punches in the corner, corner whip, Test charges in with an elbow shot. Test's big boot misses, and Vincent gets in a punch. There's two more, a dropkick, and a tag to Ryder, who's already on the top rope - flying cross body is caught by Test. Test holds on to him, which must me - Goodnight with the dropkick on Ryder to knock Test down, and Ryder gets 2. Ryder's up, punch misses, release full nelson slam by Test. Trish claps. Tag to Albert, and Ryder dives to tag out. Goodnight's bealed in, whip, Albert splash. Kick, slingshot into the second rope. Stomp, tag to Test. Shot in to the turnbuckle, punch, punch, corner whip, charge meets elbow, 2nd charge meets boot, bad looking 'rana by Goodnight. Tag to Ryder, who's in with kicks, corner whip, reversed, Ryder takes a variant of the Flair Flip to the apron, ducks a punch, and hits a stun gun. Goodnight in, Goodnight Powerbombed. Trish kicks Ryder on the outside. Albert's in, they set up the assisted corner splash by whipping Goodnight in, but Ryder runs right into a Test right hand, and gets whipped in as well. Albert splashes them both, and runs Ryder into the big boot. Ryder's may be dead, so we'll end it. (4:38) Replay of Ryder getting his head taken off at the end there.

Gangrel returns to Jakked, and Essa will probably do a high risk move. But first, trouble in paradise.

WWF Fanatix brings you The Rock.

Here's that Steph/Triple H/Angle video package. (4:43)

Rumor has it that Just Joe will take on Essa Rios later. We're totally sure you'll get Perry Saturn versus Gangrel.

"I pity the fool who don't know about title loans."

WWF Vote ad. I wonder who Essa Rios is voting for.

Gangrel vs Perry Saturn (without Terri)
More WWFVote hype. You know, these debates they're having, they're no good. Someone should be pushing over the pedestals, and attacking from behind. That's the way they always do it on THIS show. The announcers are annoyed about the absence of Terri, but late explain she's filming some UPN thing you probably won't see. Heat on MTV plug. Kelly: "I've got three words for you: Re-becc-a." She looks better on All My Children. There's the bell, there's the biggest kick to the head I've ever seen. Punches in bunches. Three kicks, whip into the corner, and Saturn with a clothesline. Saturn with a 3/4 bulldog headlock, but Gangrel with the whip, into a back elbow. Gangrel off the ropes, clothesline, body slam, running elbow drop, 2 count. Saturn with a jawbreaker, superkick, choke on the ropes, let go on 3. Saturn with a kick to the stomach, and then stretches Gangrel's face. Gangrel fights back with punches, but gets kicked. Stomp, Saturn with a facelock, and rolls out, leaving Gangrel on the apron. XFL plug. Elbow shot by Saturn, and another. There's a boot choke. Saturn back in, holding Gangrel, elbow. Saturn goes to the second rope to address the "Saturn Sucks" chant. Punch, whip, clothesline. There's that front facelock again, pushing Gangrel into the corner. Cross corner whip, charge eats boot, 2nd charge eats elbow, 3rd charge eats turnbuckle, thanks to a Gangrel hot shot. Gangrel with a slingshot into the corner, and rolls up Saturn for 2. Gangrel with a Russian Legsweep, floatover, 2 count. Hey, the Gangrel controlled sections of this match are actually interesting. Whip, reversed, Exploder by Saturn. Gangrel's up first some how, but he gets taken down into the Rings Of Saturn. Gangrel submits. (3:47)

Chyna Fitness video ad.

The Lugz Boot of the week is the Jackie/Lita fight from Raw.

The Latino Heartbreak Kid Essa Rios vs Just Joe
Essa slides in the ring to remind me of when Edge used to do that and freak out Lillian Garcia in the process. Hype for the Rock PPV. Essa react angrily to Just Joe's video by saying "Who's that?" I think. Joe with a unique pose on the turnbuckle. Circle, lockup, armbar by Joe, pushing Essa into the corner. Essa fights back with punches and kicks, the super flippy armdrag hits! Essa with punches, whip, reversed, Joe with a diving clothesline. Joe with stomps, front facelock, Essa fits out, but gets a shot to the gut and a running kick to the head. More stomps from Joe. Cover, 2 count. Stomp, choke, Joe grinds his elbow into Essa's head. "I'm very sorry." Huh? Body slam, and Joe's going up. Toronto Jam gets 2. Joe sells his tailbone a lot after the move. Rope assisted cobra clutch is broken up by the ref. Punch, whip, Essa dicks under, grab one foot, eat the enzugiri. Essa whip, reversed, but Essa with a spinning headscissors, dropkick, 2 count. Whip, Essa puts his head down and gets kicked in it. Essa tries a 'rana, and gets powerbombed, 2 count. Joe misses a punch, Essa jumps up, near victory roll. Joe reverses for 2, Essa reverses for 2. Essa with a corner whip, charges, flipped to the apron. Exchange of punches, Essa tries to springboard to the top rope, but gets crotched there by Joe, Joe tries for a back suplex off the second rope, but he gets a back elbow, knocking him to the mat. Moonsault time, Essa's got another win. (3:57) Who did Joe tick off? Can he get a couple more moves while he's in the dog house?

WOW - we actually pay people to come up with these gimmicks.

Jakked is brought to you by Playstation, Milky Way and PowerClip Tag Team. On Heat, you'll get Saturn/Triple H and Mick Foley.

That's it.

The Cubs Fan

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission