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WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Random flashback (because some evil one pointed this one out to me)

"Is this some bizarre parody of Yokozuna, or a replacement for him? Is Viscera not enough fat man for the WWF? Who in the WWF (or the world) thinks a guy who's gimmick is that he has a really really big butt and he likes letting everyone else see it is a good idea? Tiger Ali Singh has a better chance of getting over then least there, they gave hype and some reason to care." (me, 11/21/99)

To be fair, he didn't get with Too Cool till a few days later, and the next point I made was that the tag team division was going to stagnate as long as the Outlaws were involved. That doesn't chance the fact that I was completely and totally off and that original point, but it makes me feel a little better.

And if ANYONE got where I was going with that last bullet point, that would have been cool. Heck, if I learned a little bit more, maybe I wouldn't have made a mistake or two.

Too Cool vs Essa Rios and Chad Collyer - The XFL opens tonight! Please flip the channel and watch it instead. Michael Hayes sounds a bit like Tazz this week. "It's obvious I'm in the witness protection program, Coach." "Why's that?" "'cause I'm on Jakked!" Um, do you really want to be slagging your own shows a minute in? (Depends on if it'll get you to flip the channel to the XFL.) plug. Remember a few months ago where Loki got the second entrance for no real reason? This is that again. Collyer, who's on for the third time since I've started this beat (but the first time not facing Perry Saturn and only the second time using a y) is working hard to look like Dean Malenko Jr. Essa has opted for the black pants with green black wristbands and a pair of Papi Chulo sunglasses. Oh, wait, those are tear away pants again, to reveal the cool green and black tights from last week's Heat. Sexay looks angered that Essa has tear away pants and he does not. Essa kicks his pants at Sexay, Sexay catching them and throwing them back at Essa. Too Cool with the slow high five, and Scotty and Essa will start. Fans already behind Too Cool, headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, drop down by Essa, off the far ropes, leapfrog by Essa, Scotty turns around and puts on a waistlock, Essa switches it to one of his own, back suplex but Scotty lands on his feet and turns Essa round for a chop. Chop. Chop. Whip, reversed, Essa's head is down waaay too soon and he gets a swinging neckbreaker. Tag to Sexay, spinebuster hold, off the ropes, Hart Attack clothesline. Pick up, right, right, corner whip, reversed, Tazz to Coach: "Put over my stupid jokes!", Sexay tries the Terri Gold springboard cross body with a twist but Essa obviously watches WOW and knows to duck out of the way. Shot to the back, pick up, right knocks him down. Tag to Chad. Kick to the gut, fireman's suplex into an armwinger into a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, drop down by Sexay, off the far ropes, leapfrog by Sexay, off the ropes, into a powerslam. No cover, instead a tag to Scotty. Double (Buh Buh Ray) Butt Drop by Too Cool. Scotty is focused. Or something. Superkick. Right to the face. Right. Corner whip,  charge in but backflipped to the apron - Scotty drops to the floor and crotches Collyer on the ring pole. Coach says "it's a big opportunity for Essa Rios and Chad Collyer" like they say when they're both non-WWF people who are going to be squashed, odd. Meanwhile, Essa sets a new height mark in his somersault dive over to the turnbuckle, destroying Scotty on the ground. Tazz still says that's one of this moves. Tag to Essa, as Chad holds his injured part. Right, whip, backdrop. Tag to Chad, double whip, drop down by Chad and Essa with a spinning heel kick.  Chad with kicks in the corner but Scotty kicks back and reverses it, whip, reversed, powerslam, cover, 2 count. Double under hook suplex and a float over for 2. Tag to Essa, right from Chad, body slam by Essa. "That's it man!" Whoa, ingles! Moonsault misses, of course, but looks awesome. Both down, and crawling to their corners. Coach to Tazz: "It never ceases to amaze me why you have this job." Chad's tagged in first, but Sexay's next. Clothesline, off the ropes, clothesline, Essa tries a rana and gets a powerbomb. Enzuiguri on Chad. Double whip, double backdrop. Scotty clotheslines Chad out of the ring, Sexay whips Essa into the corner, Essa climbs he turnbuckle and moonsaults up, but seems to expect Sexay to be in front of him. Thing is, Sexay never charged in, and after a moment of confusion, Sexay with the kick to the gut, Scotty with the bulldog, and W O R M hoo hoo hoo ya, Essa rolls out, Chad's in for a double flapjack. Sexay going up - is Chad too far away? Putting on the glasses, Essa selling that Worm for a long time - Hip Hip Drop and that's it. (6:11) Essa and Chad slink away as Sexay gets the magic dancing glasses. He puts a pair on Scotty, Scotty - decides to give a pair to Chad Patten. Chad' not sure about this. The fans urge him on. "No, no, no, no." And the second they put the glasses on, he's fine. Or he's blind. Everyone does the clap - Chad can't dance but he sure has a fun time trying.  What is he DOING? Thrusting his elbows out and wiggly around and it's kinda disturbing. Everyone poses and no one gets punked out. Now Chad leave. Now we move on.

Coming up, we had a first blood match on Smackdown, and here, we'll have Perry Saturn with Terri. But next, a look back at a contract signing.

Here's a look back at a contract signing and what lead up to it. This segues into highlights from Smackdown Extreme. (8:23)

Coming up, K-Kwik is in the house, and Undertaker busted people one on Smackdown, but next, Perry Saturn and Terri.

Here's that XFL training video they showed on RAW - why does she have a different color jersey than everyone else?

Perry Saturn (w/Terri and a number for XFL Tickets) vs Rudy Rue (already in the ring) - I'm not going to buy your Enforcer tickets no matter how many times you ask. Also, the graphic covers up the name for the guy Perry faces so I'm going by phonetics. AND, again this week, the voices of Kevin Kelly and Tom Pritchard bleed into this segment, making it hard to make out anything. Again, when the graphic goes away, so do the Metal guys. Bizarre. Arm winger, armbar, headlock, Rudy gets a hammerlock but Saturn trips him down, facelock, Rudy reverses into a hammer lock, then Saturn pulls him down with a fireman's carry, wristlock, and now Rudy with his fireman's carry, wristlock into a standing hammerlock. Saturn elbows out, knocking Rudy into the corner. Working him over with shoulders, punches and the knees. Corner whip, kip up by Rudy, drop toe hold as Saturn comes out. Spinebuster. Off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker. Coach: "Every time Saturn's on the show, I have hard time concentrating, 'cause, as everybody knows, Terri has this huge crush on me right now." And Tazz agrees. Snap mare blocked and Saturn gets a knee, then a shot to the neck. Whip, Saturn gets his head down too and kicked. Rudy off the ropes again, this time Saturn Hot Shots him, and then superkicks him as he stagger around. Kiss for Terri. Slow swinging neckbreaker. Cobra clutch, brought Rudy up to his feet and a belly to belly suplex. Slam. Saturn going to the top - moonsault misses when Rudy moves out of the way and Saturn lands hard on that right knee. Rudy with a clothesline. Whip, spin kick by. Snap suplex, chains into another one, no fall behind by Saturn, go behind by Rudy, Saturn goes for the ropes but Rudy pulls him back into a cradle for 2. Big clothesline by Saturn. Death Valley Driver and that's it. (3:35) Terri kicks Rudy out of the ring and pats Perry on the butt. Perry attempts to return the favor.

Still to come, Albert, but next, that first blood match.

The Weider Results Slam of the Week is the Islanders busting up the Undertaker.  

That lead to a match on Smackdown EXTREME and so let's see it now. Kinda interesting that they have no problem showing blood. Also, the ring microphone is way higher than the announcer microphone - that happened last week too. (2:41)

Still to come, Albert is Jakked, but next, K-Kwik raps.

K-Kwik (w/Tough Enough Hype) vs Larry Destiny (already in the ring) - Tazz is hyped to take out the Tough Enough kids. If you thought the WWF was entertaining people with the videos, just wait till they get in the ring. Kwik claps. Lockup, armbar by Destiny, reversed by Kwik, yank, yank, twist,  Destiny rolls out to a reversal, works the arm, yank, shot to the shoulder, into a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over the drop down, under the leapfrog, to grandmother's house we go, hiptoss by Kwik but it's blocked, hiptoss by Destiny but Kwik lands on his feet, but Destiny pulls Kwik down by the hair. "You ain't nothing!" Kwik kips ups up and kicks him away, dropkick, armdrag into an armbar. Up to his feet, Destiny pushes Kwik into the corner. Break is forces, right, chop, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, boot choke for 4. Destiny with a punch but it's blocked, Kwik with a right, right, right, whip, reversed, side slam cover for 2. Knee drop and hold for a choke for 2. Right, whip, clothesline misses, headscissors by Kwik. Clothesline misses, Kwik hits a right. Whip, reversed, flying forearm by Kwik. Kip up. Splits for absolutely no reason at all. Shout. Right, Right, corner whip, reversed, kip up, flip, side kick for Destiny. Cover, 2 count. Corner whip, Kwik charges in and is flipped to the apron, right by destiny is blocked, Kwik gets a right, goes to the top, crotched. Destiny goes for a superplex but Kwik's blocking it - 2nd rope Falcon arrow doesn't look as swift this week but still gets the win. (3:57) Break.

Albert vs J. R. Ryder - Once upon a time, J. R. Wanted To Be A WWF Wrestler - so you'd think this would be the Tough Enough segment, but no. XFL talk instead. Albert attacks before the bell but misses the clothesline, right, right, right, corner whip, Albert charges in, Ryder kips up, open hand slap to the face, another, another, and it looks like he just ticked off Albert more than he hurt him. Ryder celebrates, and turns right around into a palm shot.  Big clothesline. Gutwrench into a over the shoulder backbreaker for a few seconds, then Ryder falls behind off the ropes, ducks the clothesline, off the far ropes, and right into the big boot. Beal into the corner. Kick to the gut. Right to the face. Hiptoss in the ring. Double underhook hanging suplex - long hang time this week. Eye poke by JR, right, right, stinging right from Albert. Whip, head down too soon, kick to the head, off the ropes again, clothesline by Ryder has NO effect, off the ropes again, Albert's clothesline misses, Ryder off the ropes a third time and ducks Albert's clothesline, kick, sunset flip - no, Albert's going stop that by putting on the two hand choke, and going right into the Albertbomb. That'll do it. (1:56)

Lots of hype for Heat! Dean Malenko is in WWFNY as the guest host,  Benoit takes on Crash, Test puts the title on the line against Saturn and a hardcore tag team match, bull and Goodfather against Blackman and Hardcore Holly. This Monday on RAW, we'll have - um, we're not sure, but it'll be in Atlanta.

The Cubs Fan
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