You are here

WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Who the heck is Chris Leary? The WWF really likes the scrawny white guys with ugly facial hair for C level announcers positions, don't they? I wonder if Kevin Kelly had a mustache when he tried out. They should let Marcelo (he of the overly tight Ricky Martin-type shirts) do both the Spanish and English Slam Jams.

Get the last out already, Flash!

TV14LDV. Open. For a second, I thought they took the Dudleyz out but no, they're still there. Hey, Rhyno! Hey angry evil Steve Austin! 

The One Billy Gunn (WWF) vs Hugh Morrus (WCW) - Why did Gunn have to get demoted and stuck on MY shows? Hugh (who?) has no entrance video. Your announcers are Michael Hayes and Jonathon Coachman - the WWF IS DEAD if they lose. DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. Perhaps I should say it a few more hundred times so you can get the full effect. If both promotions are around Monday, they're big phony liars. Then they talk about some chick who was bugging them in the live shot that I didn't pay attention too. Your ref is WCW's Charles Robinson. He will be unbiased for this match. I'm watching the Cubs game. Man, I could steal on Flash. Okay, one more strike. That pitch was a couple feet short. NO NO NO NO argh. I hate Alou. Why couldn't the Astros be like last years Astros? They're not REALLY playing "Who Let The Dogs Out", are they? Striiiike one. The match appears to go on without me. That was on the corner, c'mon. Crappy double clothesline spot. That wasn't on the corner. Don't make me cry. LINE OUT! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! Dang it, the match is still going. Ah, One and Only - but no Hugh with elbows, the turns around and hits a Northern Lights Suplex! Nice. Hugh calls for it - NO LAUGHING MATTER comes up empty, as Gunn rolls out of the way. Sounds like that was the second top rope move in a row Hugh's missed. Gunn sets up, Hugh stumbles backwards, there's the One and Only. One Two Three (4:55) Fair count, because Robinson and Silverman forget that they're supposed to be evil, I guess. Hayes: "What a great way to start off the evening!" Oh, Hugh's attacking form behind - forearm to the back, whip and a flapjack. Charles Robinson is reminding him that the match is over. Buy the Invasion T-Shirt!

More hype for the Bra and Panties match, Justin vs K-Kwik but more hype next.

Hey, more hype right now - here's the PPV ad.

Invasion hype. Food run. (3:42)

Coming up - Essa Rios against Chavo Guerrero Jr.! Bra and Panties hype! But next, K-Kwik against Justin Credible.

Justin Credible (ECW) vs K-Kwik (WWF) - Now that this is ECW(/WCW) vs WWF, this match has taken on a whole new dimension! Your ref is some skinny WWF guy I don't recognize. Kwik tries to get the crowd into it - they comply. Lockup, headlock by Justin, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over, under, Justin whips Kwik but Kwik comes back with a flying headscissors. Off the ropes, flying forearm. Kick, nine punches on the second rope and a big right when Justin stumbles out. Corner whip, Justin flip to the apron and Kwik with a running shoulder to the gut to knock him to the floor. Kwik out, Justin thrown in.  Justin gets a kick to the gut, whip, Kwik's head down too soon and Justin slams it to the mat. Justin with a turnbuckle smash and kicks. Justin yells at Kwik to punch him in the chin and points at his chin! Kwik punches, but Justin eye pokes him! Coach and Hayes call Justin "a very bitter young man!" He's well on his way to becoming my role model again. Whip, back elbow. Cover one two kickout. Cover one two kickout. Chin lock. Elbow out. Kwik off the ropes, and I think Justin catches him with a Bossman Slam but it's tough to tell who got the better of that one; they're both selling it. Justin up first and seemingly setting up for the superkick, but the kick is only midsection high and caught by Kwik. Kwik spins Justin around and clotheslines him down. Both down. Both up at 5. Punch exchange and of course Kwik is gonna win that one. He might even dance and hit a punch. Whip, no it's Kwik's Flatlinter one two maybe that's a message to Kanyon! Justin retreats to the corner but Kwik follows him in - right, corner whip, reversed, here's the kip, flip and jumping side kick - one two kickout. Corner whip, Kwik charges in with a clothesline, Justin ducks. Justin with a clothesline, but Kwik does the splits under it. Kwik turns around, Justin SUPERKICK! one two three. (3:57) Here's a special scouting tip - when Kwik doesn't do the splits right as part of the corner sequence, he's gonna lose. Does Justin finnaly have a permanent finisher? It does make sense that he kept his own music when in X-Factor, I guess. 

Coming up, clips, clips and more clips!

Lugz Trish Beatdown, Lita Save From Last Monday

Maybe it's just me, but this is not the match that needs video clip hype - the idea is to care about seeing the women (half) naked, not really about WHY they're naked. Or at least that's how it seems to me. Maybe I'm supposed to be noticing clues for Trish turning to WCW. (2:02) The importance of this whole invasion pales in comparison with the importance of seeing hot chicks wearing little. Also, that ten man tag.

Coming up, Tough Enough! Next, Essa Rios vs Chavo Guerrero Jr. 

Here's ANOTHER PPV ad.

This past Thursday on Tough Enough (2:08)

Chavo Guerrero Jr. (WCW) vs Essa Rios (WWF, white pull away pants, same red tights) - Chavo has no video, but points to his WCW shirt as if to say "Look at my shirt." Your ref is WCW's Billy Silverman. Hayes talks about facing Chavo's father and uncles and does not say Eddie, just to annoy me. The crowd goes wild for Essa Rios! He's even got a sign this week. Two signs! Lockup, headlock by Chavo, hammerlock by Chavo, hammerlock by Essa, snap mare escape by Chavo. Running, over, hiptoss by Chavo, Essa blocks it and tries his own, that's blocked so Essa flips out. Chavo tries to clothesline him but Essa ducks under and hooks the waistlock, Chavo with one hard elbow but Essa holds on. Chavo tries a second but Essa ducks under and Chavo spins around, Northern Lights Suplex, one two kickout. Kick, right, right, whip, reversed, no Essa with a flying headscissors and follows with an armdrag. Hayes (mumbles and) thanks the fans for their condolences about Terry Gordy. Coach talks about Terry Gordy's death, and him being Hayes' best friend and partner in one of the best tag teams of all time; Hayes quickly takes the conversation back to Invasion. Essa charge sat Chavo, Chavo backdrops him, Essa lands on the apron. Chavo realizes it and charges with a right, Essa blocks and hits one of his own, then slams Chavo's head into the turnbuckle. Essa goes up - flying cross body but Chavo catches him with a dropkick. Turnbuckle smash. Chop. European Uppercut. Stomp. Boot choke. Break, and another, with scrape. Chavo ties Essa in the corner, on the second turnbuckle - dropkick. Cover one two shoulder up. Punches, but Essa fights back. Essa corner whip, charges but Chavo charges out, Essa with a right but Chavo ducks it and maybe was going for the crucifix roll up but just kinda slipped loose. Awkwardly, they quickly back up to the ropes for a whip, Essa reverses and hits a backdrop. Dropkick. Clothesline. Wristlock, kick, kick, Mexican armdrag into a running powerslam! One two kickout. Coach argues the count!  Essa is going to the top - moonsault but Chavo moves but Essa lands on his feet anyway. (Good thing - Chavo was too close to the corner.) Chavo takes control with a kick to the midsection. Chavo goes for a powerbomb, Essa battles it and tries to turn around, but everyone crashes to the mat. Chavo nimble turns it into a cradle and gets the one two three. (3:14) Essa is angry with himself. Maybe he should stop trying to do the victory roll.

JVC Five Star Frog Splash of Last Monday

The Hardcore Title IS on the line this Thursday - let's take you back to Thursday. (2:15) I know who CRZ is betting on in the battle of the light/crusierweights. (Hint: Not Kidman.) Also, this ten man tag.

Gregory Helms (WCW) vs TAKA Michinoku (WWF. w/Funaki) - Your ref is Mike Sparks and I never recognize him. Helms points at his ring jacket to see if anyone knows who he is. Nope. They're saying "Bruno Sammartino" and "Hulk Hogan" in hyping WWF History and they couldn't say Eddie Guerrero. TAKA has something to say: "Hey, you, Helm. You got here from WCW and try to invade us? Your invasion will fail, because we are WWF, we are Kaientai and we are eeeeeeeeevil. HAHAHAHA" Hand off to Funaki. Oh, wait, here's another laugh. "inDEED" Coach and Al host Heat tomorrow. Special guest: Invasion! When is the Jung Dragons/Kaientai match? Hey, I wonder what Helms thinks of lip-syncing. Helms and TAKA (standing on his toes) have a staredown before the match, and Helms starts trash talking. I wonder what language he's doing it in. Did he just signal that he was a three time world karate champion? Probably not. TAKA says something back and gets a slap to the face. Right from TAKA and now it's on. TAKA with a whip, reversed, Helms with a clothesline but it misses, TAKA with a open hand slap to the chest. Helms answers with his own. TAKA. Helms. TAKA signals for it, and when Helms goes to cover his chest, TAKA nails him with the eye poke. Wind up palm strike to the face. Drop toe hold. Clapping. Dropkick to the face. TAKA is happy. And we are happy for him. Meanwhile, Helms is out of the ring and clotheslining Funaki. He gets back on the apron and TAKA gives him a shoulder to the gut. Suplex in, no, Helms falls behind, but TAKA quickly kicks him. Coach tries to reminds us that Vince is a face and Steph and Shane are not. Whip, reversed, Helms with a fireman's carry into a face breaker, and follows with a jumping reverse neckbreaker. Cover one two kickout. Armbar on the left arm, right to the arm, right to the arm, pulling the arm behind TAKA's back and uses a legsweep to cause TAKA to fall backwards onto his arm. TAKA coming back with rights, his left arm hurting. Off the ropes, Helms grabs and bars the left arm, then hooks on an inverted facelock and drops TAKA backwards on to Helms' knee. Helms makes me work! That's okay. Cover one two kickout. Vertical suplex. Armbar on that left arm. TAKA fights but Helms keeps cranking it. TAKA with another right, another crank by Helms. Taka with punches in bunches and manages a whip, but it's reversed, under the clothesline and hard spin kick. Hayes: "Where does Jerry Lynn stand?" Far far off camera. Palm. Palm. Helms retreats to the corner, TAKA with a kick, corner whip, reversed, Helms charges in and goes for the not-Sugar Smack, but TAKA catches the foot and then hits a superkick of his own! Pause, then cover for one two kickout. TAKA's calling for it! Michinoku Driver, no Helms slips behind - Nightmare On Helms Street! Funaki's up on the apron, complaining about something. Helms goes over to complain about him. Funaki goes to the floor and Helms follows - they run around the ring, Funaki in the ring first, Helms right behind. Funaki calls Helms on, and Helms charges at him - Funaki dives out of the way and Helms right into position for TAKA to scoop him up - Michinoku Driver! One two three (3:38) Hayes likes how Kaientai cheated, because they cheated WCW. Everyone's all tied up, though the only ECW guy won.

HEAT is SUNDAY before INVASION on PPV! Hardcore Title, Bra and Panties, Main Event hyped. Hayes: "Only lord knows why!" Wha? See you SUNDAY NIGHT!

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

Email the Author

Comment about this article on the EZBoard



Design copyright © 1999-2001 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2001 by the individual author and used with permission