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WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Two Years Ago On Jakked and Metal UK, Marc Taylor and Kirk Wagstaff saw Kaientai and the Mean Street Posse win squashes on their way to a big match on Sunday Night Heat, Jackie beats Ivory in a rematch of last week's Heat and Christian beats Gangrel.

One Year Ago, I recapped Essa taking on Crash, and Too Cool and K-Kwik winning squashes over APW guys.

attitude tv 14LDV


WWF European Champion CHRISTIAN vs Loki (already in the ring, w/graphic!) in a non-title match - Hey, can the WWF and this dude agree on a way to spell his name? C'mon, it can't be that hard. Anyone who can't spell his name the same consistently is not worth to be Champion Of Europe, so that's why this is non-title. Your announcers are Jonathon "Coach" Coachman and Christopher "Cross" Leary and we get a shot of them for the first time in a while - yes, Leary still has that ugly facial hair stripe going. Loki has the white pants. Coach stumbles on "European Champion" but talks up Loki. Lockup, Loki goes behind, Christian reverses, takedown, front facelock on the mat. Up to their feet, no, Loki with a hammerlock. Now getting up, cranking it in, Christian's back elbow breaks it up. Right. Whip, Loki ducks the clothesline, slides under hard kick to the midsection and a spinning back kick. Right, chop, Christian fights back with a kick, right, right. Christian corner whip, Loki jumps to the second rope and faces away, Christian charges in but gets back kicked away - setting up for the moonsault but Christian crotches him. He's very pleased with himself. Christian stretches Loki on the steel rope connecting the top corner buckle to the ringpost. Right right right, Christina's forced away. Loki falls to the mat, Christian picks him up - suplex on to the top rope! Christian's not fooling around - Loki falls to the apron and an (awkward sold?) shoulderblock knocks him to the floor and into the barrier. Christian comes out to throw him back in and go back in himself. Loki with punches to battle to his feet. Chop, corner whip, reversed right into a fireman's carry into a gutbuster! One two no! Loki battling back with chops, whip, Loki springboards off the second rope with a twisting roundhouse kick! Christian up quick, clothesline misses and Loki hits the Liger rolling koppo kick! It took some out of Loki and Christian comes back with a knee, right, corner whip, reversed, Loki with the handspring high corner kick and I think Christian is dead. Hit him right in the face. Loki slowly to the top - STARDUST PRESS! (That's a 450 starting from a moonsault - or maybe Blitzkrieg's move if you remember.) Christian moves but Loki lands on his feet! Loki up - but right into a knee. Christian's had enough - Unprettier. One Two Three. (3:27) Will Christian enter the Royal Rumble? 

Kurt Angle gets annoyed, Hurricane takes on Funaki, but next, Triple H returns.

Triple H returned. A little gets cut, a little of the hype package gets added. (5:56)

Coming up, JR and Vince talked, but next, Hurricane's coming to town.

Royal Rumble Return: Mr. Perfect

(sho) Funaki vs the Hurricane (w/Mighty Molly) - It's always amusing when Leary "congratulates" Kid Rock for being the theme song of Rumble, like he won an award. Coach proclaims Kid Rock's CD "not a bad listen." Coach goes on and on about the Godfather, and drops that he heard he might have mended his ways, but the Coach hopes not. Did the RTC not happen now? I guess no mentions of the wacky weed now? Lockup, waistlock by Hurricane, go behind by Funaki, armdrag by Hurricane, Funaki leg trip and cover for zero. Hurricane leg trip for zero. Clean break - Hurricane strikes his. Hurricane asks for the handshake, and gets it - and an eye poke. Kick to the back. Kick kick whip, shoulderblock by Hurricane. Pose. Off the ropes, over, hiptoss but it's blocked and Hurricane hits a fireman's carry. Armdrag, armdrag, Coach likes the "we just picked Leary out of the stands [that's why he's so dumb]" joke so much he makes it again this week. One more armdrag. Right. Corner whip, Hurricane splash but no one's home. Funaki does the superhero pose! Then he dropkicks Hurricane in the face! Celebration on the rope! Funaki's trying to fill my void, and I appreciate him for it. If only he'd cover a guy after hitting a move now and then. Oh wait he took way too long and Hurricane crotches him. Up and down and that doesn't seem very superhero like. Funaki, after a little recovery time, asks for the handshake. "What'supiwiththat?" Right right right whip, reversed, flapjack onto the top rope. Leary's talking about how Jericho will beat the Rock. Double boot scrape. Pulling the hair. Leary rightly questions why Coach is disputing Chris Jericho's abilities, because after all, he's the Undisputed Champion. Whip, back elbow. Cover one two no. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Yelling at the crowd. Hey there's Molly in case you forget she was here. Bow and Arrow! I miss called that last week, I think. Funaki covers himself one two no. Funaki up to argue the count. Whip, clothesline misses, Hurricane cross body one two. Funaki up with a clothesline. Snap suplex, one two no. One two no. Chinlock. Molly. Crowd gets behind Hurricane. Elbow elbow elbow Funaki with a kick. Corner whip, run into a kick. Hurricane with a Blockbuster! Setting up for it - right right right  Funaki with a kick clothesline misses, reverse neckbreaker. Hurricane with a suplex. Going up - flying cross body one two no. Whip, sleeper, Funaki with a backdrop. One two NO. Suplex? No, Hurricane reverses - Eye of the Hurricane, one two three. (4:55

JR and Vince talked on Smackdown (:44)

Crash is on the way, but back to Smackdown next.

Royal Rumble Replay 2001 - Stone Cold is going to WrestleMania.

Angle/Austin conclusion. Triple H's are stuck in that hunched form - I don't think he can actually put them at his side like a normal person any more. (5:28) Is it just me or does it look like Triple H is in front of everyone in this picture? I guess someone had to be.

Crash, and then Saturn.

Final Fantasy X Tag Team Title Change of Last Monday

Perry Saturn vs John Jirus (already in the ring, w/graphic!) - I was thinking, the one thing Perry Saturn really needed was more tattoos. You may know John as Xavier. Spike Dudley is your Heat host. Lockup, Headlock by John, off the ropes, shoulderblock and John goes down. Forearm. Push in the rope, right. Whip, reversed, drop down, under, hiptoss. Hiptoss. Possible Tag Team Challenger Talk: Did Coach just drop the Hardy Boyz name and not act like they were broken up and probably not tag teaming together any time soon? I think he did. Waistlock, Saturn gets the ropes, John rebounds back, charges, Saturn throws him over but he grabs the ropes and pulls himself in - right into a clothesline and this time he's out for real. Oh, Saturn's brought back the hard run into the metal steps. John thrown back in, one two no. Push into the ropes, shoulder to the gut. Forearm. Inverted atomic drop. Springboard dropkick. Sitting face stretch. Push in the ropes, head to the gut. Big thrust kick. Whip, short clothesline. Elbow drop to the head. Elbow drop to the head. Camel clutch - well, kinda. Knee to the back in there, he's not really sitting on top. I think Coach just said that Flair's last ten years have all been downhill - and I guess that is an arguable point, so never mind. Push in the ropes - this time John jumps Saturn and gets a suns et flip for one two NO. SUPERKICK. Legdrop, one two no. Back to the camel clutch variant. Corner whip, John gets a desperation boot up. Saturn charges in John out, kick to the midsection, right right right right, high knee other high knee high knee. Corner whip, Saturn comes out with a clothesline. Front slam. Going up - bomb splash right on to John's knees. Russian legsweep. Swinging neckbreaker. Throat slash and he's going up - 450 but no one's home! Corner whip, Eliminator back kick. Armbar takedown and there's the new Rings Of Saturn. Jirus wastes no time giving up. (4:58) Saturn wastes a lot of time letting go.

Greyhound Rock Win Of Last Thursday.

Crash vs Prince Nana (of Ghana, already in the ring, w/graphic!) - Chris and Coach argue about the correct pronunciation of "Nana", which turns into Coach noticing his yellow outfit and calling him "Prince Banana." Crash with the switching test of strengths, this time ends with a stomp of the foot. Headlock, off, wait no, okay, off the other set of ropes, shoulderblock. Over (fancy handspring), headlock takedown. Nana rolls him over one two no. Headlock on. Push into the corner, and there's the break - Nana with right right right. Corner whip, charge in but Crash moves out of the way, rollup one two NO! Headlock takedown. Nana with the leg scissors, break, up to their feet, Crash with the headlock takedown. So it's one of those matches, Crash. Up to a knee, to the feet, off the ropes, under (barely), under (barely), Nana is happy with himself for some reason and turns right into a dropkick. Dropkick. Slam. Crash to the ropes, up to the top - can he do it? No. Off and stomping. Slam. Crash goes to the top rope - this is gonna be a long way - he jumps off, and then jumps into a splash! One two no! Shocking. Leary: "It was almost 'nana, hey hey- hello!" This commentary is transcendent. Anyway, Crash had a headlock (!) on and Nana tries a back suplex but Crash landed on his feet and it caught Leary off guard (or he doesn't know the words.) Back elbow by Nana. Crash thrown into the corner. Right. Whip, flapjack. Off the ropes, fat senton. Crash is dead one two NO I guess not. Mat chinlock. Forearm. Crash put on the top rope, Nana joins him but he's pushed off - flying cross body! I guess when Crash doesn't have time to think about it he's fine. Crash waits for him to get up - clothesline. Clothesline. Nana miss a clothesline - Crash bulldog! One two three. (4:15) We don't see Crash pick his nose this week, that's a nice change.

Heat is LIVE tomorrow night! The Royal Rumble is 8 days away - all these people are in! Also, the Jericho vs the Rock for the Undisputed (WWF) Title. And the main event - Mr. McMahon and Ric Flair. That's it.


The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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