I Get Letters
We start with a few from last week sent to me after Tuesday/Wednesday, but were good enough to keep and share with YOU - NOW!
Subject: I have invented a new finishing move
I have thought of a great submission finisher. First of all you get your opponent on his back, pick up his legs like you're about to put him in the boston crab, next while still holding onto his legs lay down on your back and put your legs over his arms, then by pulling his legs, pull his body toward you and upwards while holding his arms down with his legs. It hurts the lowerback and stretches it out. I hope you understand. My E-Mail is messed up so you can't send me one, my wrestleline chat name is ...... and my America Online screen name is .......... so if you don't understand the move you could send me an AOL instant message if a wrestleline spokesman or something is online. If you like this move and you undrstand it and you think it is really good then could you say that I invented it on Wrestleline My name is Mike Thiemann i'm from Bethalto Illinois
This letter REALLY works on so many levels, and if I explained it to you, it might lose its specialness.
Subject: Al Snow
I read where you felt that Al Snow should have some new music..Well last week I submitted a song for Pepper. The song is called Ay Cheewowa, hopefully they will use it I will talk to the WWF later today or tommorow.
Maybe they'd have used it if you spelled it "Chihuahua." <shrug>
Subject: If humans evolved from apes...
how come there are still apes?
I'm SO glad you asked me.
I'm about an hour into watching Nitro live, and I have to say, I have *no* idea why you dislike it so...
How could you a promotion that continues to give us "PPV Quality" events such as Buff vs Ernest the Cat. Plus, it was a clean match that (fortunately for us!) wasn't cut short by a run-in from Sid. I don't see what the problem is at all!
Ian "I watch Joe Don Baker movies" Wajand
Subject: charles robinson
i was on the phone talking to a friend during nitro when charles robinson was accompanying Sid to the ring with the posters saying 70-0
Who is he now "Lil' Vicious"? I remarked. just wanted to mention that in case you wanted to use it.
it would be pretty funny if he started dressing like him and got that sid hair due (sp??) going
Subject: (no subject)
"Miss Kitty" is Lawler's girlfriend, "Stacey" in real life, just thought I'd give some general info. Plug my site muchly. Thanks.
I'm sorry, I just can't plug your site (www.kinglawler.com) again.
Subject: Memo to Eric Bitchoff from Terry B. (intercepted e-mail)
Memo to Eric Bitchoff:
Let's rename the first hour of Nitro...THE SIDROID SHOW. That way he can bury every good worker in the company again and again and make sure nobody threatens Suckamania's position. This will teach everyone not to watch the unopposed hour of Nitro. Then we won't have to tax our brains trying to figure out how to use that opportunity to build interest in the two hours of head to head with that terrible Porn Wrasslin - which anyday now is going to turn-off viewers and insure that we can keep our cushy jobs.
Let's rename the main event...the Run-in for the Overrun. That way we can insure that Suckamania can put on dull as death matches that never end clean. Furthermore we can remind people why they hate our product by bringing out Sidroid and whatever guy is his partner that hour of the night. And, make sure we attach Goldberg to this so we can eventually kill his heat and make sure everybody knows he's a trained seal and Suckamania's pissboy.
Oh by the way, you get the hummer. Nobody else wants it cause we still can't find the driver. Is Thunder still on Thursday night? I heard a rumor that somebody else was putting on another wrestling show that night. I hope this is true, since we can stop worrying about trying to keep some continuity between Monday and Thursday. It is just so hard, especially with the secretaries fighting over racist e-mail. Now we can get rid of those pesky viewers on Thursday who keep reminding us that we fucked up another angle the following Monday. I hate those guys.
Anybody seen Flair or Savage? I thought they were working this week. Hey I really like these new colors. They remind me of a time long ago when people cheered me and didn't throw soda and popcorn on me. That used to happen didn't it? I have a little trouble remembering that far back.
Intercepted by KRJ
Subject: Your boy Bob Ryder
I don't guess you had the chance to hear him on WCW Live post-Nitro. It would be worth checking out the archive. Every caller thought the Sid run-ins completely sucked, and the main event was a much of a letdown as any main event they'd seen. Ryder,to his credit, didn't totally disagree that things should've gone differently, but what was funny was his defending of the decisions. It was things such as "I don't mind the run-ins as much when they're building toward something" and the like. As every caller complained about Sid, Beautiful Bob became angrier and angrier,and finally snapped by saying that all of the internet people and the fans would enjoy what was happening if they knew what he knew and that some people in the chat room wouldn't like WCW no matter what they did. I thought he was going to start crying when he was explaining how WCW is giving the fans what they want by building a story with Sid. He also said WCW didn't need people like Raven and Flair if they're not going to get with the program(i.e. bow down to Bischoff)
When did Bob Ryder become "my boy?"
Subject: No Subject
After the opening match on Nitro I really got to thinking about WCW’s utter disregard for the undeniable talent Mickey Whiprick possesses. Since coming to WCW in March Mickey Whiprick has lost every match I ever remember seeing him in, and the fact of the matter is I don't remember any match he's fought in WCW that wasn't a joy to watch. it's just a shame to see WCW bury a guy that hasn't wrestled a bad match since coming to the company. If WCW were to just replace the cat with Mickey and have Buff fued with Whiprick they could have numorous great matches on their hands.
Also, anyone who's paying attention would now that even if you believe that Sid has wrestled 68 matches since coming back to WCW, and even if you consider interrupting someone else's match a win, you have to admit that he is 68-1 because Sid lost to Hogan via DQ on Nitro when steiner interrupted.
I also just wanted to add that I believe ECW has the best locker room in wrestling. I really can't think of one guy who can't put on an entertaining match in ECW.
Sid is UNDEFEATED because Hogan pinned RICK STEINER. I can't BELIEVE I have to explain this to you.
Subject: WCW / Curt Hennig
Last night's Curt Hennig and the WTR "live" segment last night is a perfect example of just how badly WCW sucks right now. They just have these ideas and throw them on the air with no concept of detail, planning, or execution. If you've decided to push this terrible new song "Good Ol' Boys" how much extra work and cost would it have been to through a couple of Nitro girls behind microphones and a fiddle player up there to at least make it semi-believable (if you try really hard.)? As it was HILLBILLY VANILLI was just laughable; it's almost as if WCW is trying to kill what little heat Curt and his boys was already getting.
What do you mean "almost?"
Subject: Henry's Euro Title Belt
Did you see Mark Henry try and put the Euro Belt around his waist when JJ gave it to him? It wouldn't fit, so it went over his shoulder. I was rolling!
Subject: Count your blessings...
Before you get totally despondent about WCW's undercard screwjobs by Sid, remember this. If Chris Jericho decided not to jump, instead of being brought into big feuds with guaranteed main event feuds later, he may have been one of the many to have 1 minute matches just so Sid can get over......
Lemme correct that, so Sid can attempt to get over.
I wonder what's going to happen when more undercard wrestlers wonder if they should resign.
BTW I know I wasn't the only one to notice that the song Kiss played "God of Thunder" was featured on the "Stone Cold Metal" CD. At least for the 5 seconds I watched of it because WWF had a good title match on ;).
Well, you were the only one who noticed AND wrote me, anyway...Kiss played a song on the "Stone Cold Metal" CD. You think they were sending a little "fuck you" to WCW? That'd be priceless and I MUST go buy some Kiss albums RIGHT NOW!!
Subject: This sounds familiar...
"Hogan makes a point of shaking Goldberg's hand, and Sting's... but not Luger's... Hogan promises another title shot for Sting - and Goldberg and Luger can watch their backs to make sure this interference doesn't happen again. Again Hogan won't slap hands with Luger... ah hell, let's have a posedown for old time's sake."
So let's see: we've got sickeningly virtuous bouncing babyface champion Hulk Hogan dominating the upper card, emasculated former main eventer Sting spouting off lame catchphrases and basically acting like a goofy sidekick, and long absent tweener Lex Luger making a return to action and immeadiately finding himself at odds with Hogan. You know, substitute Goldberg for Savage as the over-but-held-down fourth man, and it's a picture perfect repeat of WCW booking circa 1995! With the Faux Horsemen running around (any bets on how long it will take Hogan and co. to turn these guys heel out of spite and jealousy over their rising popularity?), and Sid stealing Paul Wight's old act (who in turn stole it from the Undertaker, who probably was inspired by....Sid. Whoa, freaky....) and it's only a matter of time before Hogan throws Sid off the roof of the Cobol Arena, the formation of the Dungeon of Doom 2000 (with a returning Kevin Sullivan), and the return of the Combustible Black Tanktop of Doom! Huzzah!
You, WCW would actually have to get better BEFORE they could merely suck horseshit. Err, I mean h*rs*sh*t.
Subject: hey I saw in your RAW report
I saw you mentioned Mike McGuirk in your RAW Report. Actually, it doesn't make you THAT old, because I am only 16 and I remember her. I believe it was Jesse Ventura himself who used to say that Howard Finkel and her had a love affair and other things like that. Pretty funny stuff back on All American Wrestling.
Subject: cg afi
The lodi birthday party segment featured that skinny fellow, on the stick. That was none other than my original wrestling trainer, CG AFI!!!! He just got a development contract with WCW, remember when I wrote you about that group of 4 florida indy stars who got the dark match at bash at the beach? He was one of them. Too cool. We are all very proud of our lil' CG, even if he's being smashed into birthday cakes. pic of him as EX-SCW champ, since vacating, is at www.box4.com/scw/.
Does the stomach acid just flood into your gut whenever you see sid pin someone in a match he wasn't involved or booked in?
El Dandy, El Dandy, El Dandy.
Subject: Re: Nitro report
In regards to Lex Luger saying that Sting shouldn't trust Hogan...
The last time we saw Luger in any real capacity, hadn't he bailed out on Wolfpac buddy Sting to join the Red&Black with Nash and *Hogan*? Wasn't Luger a bad guy? Why shouldn't Sting distrust Luger as much as Hogan? Or do WCW producers expect Sting to have a bad a memory as they hope we have?
All these question, and more, will never be answered on next week's episode! Same mat-time, same mat-channel!
Subject: The Rock
Does anyone else find it a bit disturbing that The Rock has some kind of fixation with sticking foreign objects into the anal cavities of other men?
I think it's just you, yeah.
Subject: Cara Mia
I just wanted to thank you for making reference to Nikolai Volkoff's stunning rendition of "Cara Mia." It worked then and it works now.
Subject: Stephanie & Test
In regards to what you said about those two being an obvious soap opera. Yes, for the record, chicks dig it. I, as a chick - dig it. :)
usually love your reports, but why you gotta go knock the Yeti, man? He combined the wrestling skill of Giant Gonzales, the sexuality of Lenny Lane, the interview skills of Ahmed Johnson, and the marketability of Dan Severn all in one total package (Luger beware). Obviously you haven't seen his ****3/4 match at the Tokyo Dome against Sid. I'd have given it *****, but I thought they blew the finish (Sid did a 360 dragon rana, the move Dragon Kid stole from him, Yeti kicked out at 2.9 and hit a triple reverse black tiger bomb into a death valley driver with bridging pin, but the 60 minute time limit expired at about a 2.7 count. Should have been 2.9 so I deducted a quarter star). Uh... I might be mixing that report up with a dream I had the night I ate the bad nacho cheese after midnight. But you obviously don't appreciate the quality wrestling provided by WCW superstars like Brian Adams, Swoll, Hogan, Sid, Goldberg, Nash, Luger, Rick Steiner, Yeti, Knobbs, etc. I guess you prefer the sports entertainment stuff (Severn, Furnas, Lafon, Mero, and all those guys who work the mic so well). Well, to each his own. But Yeti rocked. Wish he hadn't left to go to K-1, but he obviously needed some competition.
Tomorrow on some newsboard: "NEWS - Yeti joining K-1?"
Am I the only one that thought Raw really sucked?
I think that's too harsh, yeah.
I hate to bother you, oh mighty one, but I have a question, and you being the only "internet" guy I trust, here we go : (after some more commas,,,,,,,,,)
I don't know about you, but I was terribly impressed by SKIPPY's match against test at SummerSlam, and I am curious as to whether or not he had any formal (can wrestling training be formal ?) training. If so, can test go there to train? If not, can test be taken out in the street and executed?
Thanks in advance.
Subject: nitro report 8.23.99
Just wanted to let you know that i think your raw and nitro reports are great. I only watch raw as I figure enduring through three hours of nitro is torture enough for 1 person, so why not read that poor soul's report on it. I just wanted to say your comment about the Brian Adams/ Kiss wrestler debut being very similar to the Yeti is a riot. What ever happened to the Yeti? maybe the boys at WCW should think about brining him back for a ratings increase? it can't hurt anyways...... Thanks again for keeping nitro entertaining by just pointing out the obvious flaws in it's show.....
Hmm....anybody actually SEEN Reese lately? Did he come back over here to Santa Clara?
Subject: Quote on Lilian Garcia on your RAW Report
Here's your quote on your report, Mike McGuirk, naah mean? (Half of you probably have NO IDEA who I'm talking about - which makes me pretty old...)
I bascially remembered who MIke McGuirk is. :)
She was the ring announcer for WWF Wrestling Challenge(well in Canada, the name was different. :P)
I'm 19 years old, I started watching WWF in 1993, I think. I have a good memory, eh? :)
I know what you are talking about with Mike McGuirk. :) Man, what ever happened to her.
BTW, WWF RAW was live on TSN last night. It won't be LIVE next week, damn Blue Jays baseball. For Smackdown in Canada, I don't think it won't be shown. :(
Subject: I Agree With You For Once
Usually I don't take much stock in your "Nitro Report". This week however I have to agree. This was probably the worst Nitro in the history of Nitro!
Keep reading, and eventually ALL of you will agree with me! BOW TO MY WILL!
Subject: your pretty inteligent
I love to read these columns. Ive felt the same way about this company for 3 years, im glad to see someone take as many shots at their show. For the first time in months i stayed up to watch the replay of nitro. I thought since it was vegas wcw might actually try to make a turn around, ha ha ha, should have known better. I dont understand their perspective, their getting crushed in the ratings, but yet it dont seem to me by their show they actually care. I mean come on, do they honestly expect the public to want to watch a stunning performance by the west texas rednecks,or that epic encounter between the revolution and the first family. What is this returning old wrestlers with knew gimics crap, trying to spark interest i guess. Technical, determined Berlyn, or the kiss demon or whatever the hell they call him now. Im not the biggest titan fan either, i like wrestling, i like ecw. At least titan gives you a reason to watch though, all the matches, almost all, have at least a point and no sid run in crap. I hate turner everything he stands for, i hate the company and what they stand for, honestly i hope wcws success ends where they belong at the bottom. The longer the politics of money rule, i dont think ecw has a chance to compete with turner. But if they continue there path they may just self destruct theirselves.
Subject: Pretty biased...
I like your reports.. and i regard you as the fan of both companies and i almost always agree with your opinions... but i have to say that you are a little biased on WWF side, so please try to be a little more matture and call wrestlers with appropriate names....
BIASED?!? I'm "inteligent!"
Subject: Show some respect!
Hello, I have read your reviews on monday nitro for the last couple of months and I notice that you are definently 1 sided. It isnt hard to tell that you think wcw sucks and wwf rules. You call goldberg a cold beer? What the hell? You know something,I hate to break the news to ya but, Goldberg would completely run over the whole wwf. I mean come on do you honestly think Steve Austin could jackhammer the Giant? Come on yeah right, he dont even wrestle, all he does is punch and brawl. He isnt that good at all but he does have attitude. Also if any wrestler is the best it would unquestionably be Sting!He has beat everyone but goldberg(yes he beat austin when he was stunning steve). WWF will NOT be 1 forever! Nitro will rule again. The only reason they even started to lose is because there wrestlers were getting hurt and they were taking time off. Next time please try to show wcw some respect ok. I think you shouldnt diss them like that when there talent is much better than wwf. Thank you for your time and have a nice day.
The Stinger 1 fan
I'm gonna stop printing such obviously fake letters, I swear, I am.
Subject: Revolution catchphrase
IN your Nitro report you asked what the Revolution's "Out with evolution, in with Revolution" catchphrase meant. To put it succinctly, it doesn't mean anything. The fact that revolution and evolution rhyme is about the only logic behind this. Now the question remains, who the hell came up with this? Normally this would be easy to spot, since such a level of stupidity is indeed a rare thing, but this is WCW we're talking about so it could be anyone.
Out of all the theories I received, this was pretty much the one that best captured how I felt.
Subject: your recent "report"
Chris, what has gotten up your ass?? I read your "report" on WCW and all you do is try to find new creative ways to bash WCW. Your report might as well be written by Shawn Micheals. All you do is bitch about how you don't like what WCW is doing now. I for one think WCW has done a great job with bringing in some great talent. So what if some of them are over 40? I think this makes it all the better. Trust me when Hogan retires for good you will miss him. Saying he should retire to give the younger talent a chance is like saying John Elway should have retired in order to give Griese a shot. Hogan (like Elway) will retire when he is ready, not when he thinks it is best for his sport, or best for a younger wrestler. Any wrestler can make it big, all they have to do is sell to the crowd. When the crowd loves them (or hates them) enough they make it big. Right now everyone loves Hogan, they go nuts for him. When he turns heel they will hate him just as much. That is why he is on top, and why he will be on top as long as he wants to be. Do us all a favor, and get off the WCW's ass OK? it is boring to hear you rant and rave without having anything positive to say. I don't expect you to post this critisism, but I hope you at least think about it. Lighten up if you want to keep this reader.
Subject: Sid and his BULLSHIT record
I LOVE reading your recaps . If the wcw ever wanted to try and beat RAW well the time is NOW . With SCSA sidelined and no Vinnie Mac they have a shot but after flipping back and forth and seeing them give Sid a big push hell he's 70 - 0 !!!! RIGHT and my girlfriend is Cindy Crawford ! Don't worry Vince cause the wcw is NO threat to beat you . Just use the ROCK alittle more then usual and everything will be ok WHY is the wcw giving loser Rick Steiner and Sid such big pushes ??? And if Sid is 70 -0 how come he didn't win the belt from HH last week ??? TOTAL BULLSHIT !!!
KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK
Subject: Closed Caption joke on RAW
Been reading the recaps for the past 2 years, thought you'd be interested to know that on the 8/23/99 RAW that when DoublejobberJeff comes out the Closed Captioning (Yep *I* am Deaf) reads " Jeff Jarrett accompanied to the ring by Debra and Sectule(? dunno thats what it sez) Chocolate Marijuana (!) Henry. Usually the joke with the CC's is just misspellings from typing so fast but I think this time Road Dogg's speech got the typist thinking of something else.
Keep up the good work,
Wow, how do you get from "Mark" to "Marijuana?" I always thought CC folks used something similar to stenography machines...anybody got any light to shed on this for me?
Subject: Re: Your Raw review
I have to admit, after last night I miss Mike McGuirk. A LOT. I have a question for you though. After badmouthing every aspect of RAW last night and giving us what is essentially a transcript of the entire two hours, you failed to arrive at a conclusion as to whether or not you actually liked any of it. I'm assuming you didn't, since you spoke nothing but ill about it, but still, any RAW that has several matches over three minutes long, a Jericho double-powerbomb and arrogant cover, and The Fink assuming his role as the thinking man's Ralfus is a step in the right direction. On top of all the good stuff here, we have a reference to the Brooklyn Brawler. And for that the only true duds were the tag team championship match and the battle of the super heavyweights. Whoever was doing the RAW review before, take a lesson from him. REVIEW the matches, don't just give us exact blow-by-blow and insult everything. Though I must admit, your comments did make me laugh almost as much as the Rock's impersonation of HHH crying. You did a decent job, but I'd prefer to know where you stand. Journalistic objectivity pisses me off.
Did you just accuse me of journalistic objectivity? Man, I can't catch a break around here. I think you're the first person in a while to tell me I'm bitching too much ABOUT RAW...
Subject: fuck jumbo jacks!
Jack In The Box has some of the worst burgers I've tasted. I recently tried the new Bacon Bacon Cheeseburger. Upon receiving it I saw no bacon. I flipped the bun open and saw four shriveled pieces of bacon wedged up in there. Yipee.
However, the Monster Tacos are GREAT! Instant heartburn but damn if they aren't mouth-watering.
I've always preferred Carl's Jr. and the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger. But they don't have one restaurant in Gilroy!!! I have to drive to Morgan Hill if I want one. We have the outlets and the Garlic Festival but no Carl's Jr. There's something not right with that.
Don't worry Chris, I also remember Mike McGuirk! Lousy suit and all!
Hey, those dayglo blue tux jackets (with tails) were DA BOMB!
Subject: Ring announcers
I read your column, and I remember Mike McGuirk, the little slut...I think the guy with the name you can't remember was Mel Phillips. Also, remember Craig DeGeorge and Sean Mooney...Mooney even changed his name as he didnt want the WWF associated with his career. He's a local newscaster here. Remember the old guy that did all the ring announcing on the old USA network show which had so many episodes from Maple Leaf Gardens? What was his name???
Subject: How bad was that bitchy ring announcer
I'm sorry CRZ I haven't read your report yet but is there any doubt that dumbass ring announcer on Raw last night should be in the unemployment lines right now?
I could do a better job, I at least know how to say "viscera" unlike her valiant attempt which turned out like "Sisscerrrrrrrrr" yuck, next time Scissor and Midian come to the ring mute that chick's mic, actually mute her all the time, just turn her into every other wwf woman, don't speak just look good.
Thank you and good night..
Subject: WCW welcomes Spinal Tap??
Was it just me or did the whole KISS lip-syching performance have more than just a coincidental "Spinal Tap" feel to it? I mean really, here is one of the biggest rock bands in the world, attempting to lip-synch (and a poor job at that) a song that probably only die hard KISS fans would know, complete with Gene Simmons screwing up his lines to Paul Stanley's background vocals searing the airwaves as Paul himself was busy mugging for the camera. The best moment, though, was when the KISS sarcophogus (sp?) was wheeled out and as it raised up, opened inadvertantly before it should have. What a joke!!!! I mean, Bryan Adams couldn't have looked more ridiculous if he tried to slick his hair back, grow a goatee and toss on a black and white t-shirt that had some "bad" gang logo on it...oh...waitaminit...I think he already DID do that. I'm sure now that he's known as the Demon, he can look forward to FINALLY getting over with the fans with his new SMART gimmick...one that is sure to last a little longer than 3 weeks.
Please wake me when THIS new chapter of crap is done.
Keep up the great job on your reviews.
Subject: Monday Nitro and Raw
Hello,In your Honest opinion...tell me what you thought about WWF Raw and Warzone,and WCW Nitro. I just want to know what you thought. Thanks
I thought Nitro was about three hours long, and RAW is WAR was about two hours long.
Why bother giving the results for WCW at all if all you guys are gonna do is dog it. If you don't like it, go a few channels over and stay there. I can't come on here and get some serious input? I guess everyone forgets that WCW used to be on top and without it there would't be much of a WWF. Just remember that what goes around comes around and WCW will eventually be on top again(whether you like it or agree with it). Maybe the guys at wrestleline need someone with a little openmindedness to report what goes on in the ring and behind the doors.
P.S. Don't fall off the bandwagon.
Please address all complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Subject: Monday Nitro Report
Great report, man. Just want to point something out as some Useless Trivia(TM).
The ripoff music that you mentioned while describing the entrance of the First Family team was taken from a song by The Scorpions. It's called The Zoo and was featured on their 1980 LP Animal Magnetism.
Just thought you'd like to know. And before you say anything, I have somewhat of a life. :)
WCW Thunder Reporter, DDT Digest
Hey Aldo, you used "a life" two words before "Thunder Reporter." You need to watch that in the future.
Subject: You don't really NEED a subject, do you?
There are a lot of assholes in the world, aren't there? Yeah, I thought so. There's a lot of people who, for some reason unknown to the rest of the world, can never be wrong. Isn't that right? This world is full of people who are just full of wonderful little snipets of advice, but who feel that it's only for the masses that don't share their name. Kinda funny when you think about it, isn't it?
Wow, where did that come from?
Hi, I'm Chris, and I have a problem. I'm a CRZaholic. I'm also an outspoken advocate of stupid, trivial things. Like wrestling columnists. Or something silly like that. Anyways, onto my point...if I can find it.
I read your RAW and Nitro reports every week. Why? Kuz that bastard Jarod Tripplet or whatever his name was at STc cheaped out on me and stopped doing Tuesday Hangover. (*cough*NoSoul sucks!*cough*) Well, that and because you're a funny, funny, cynical little man. Of course I read the Nitro report first, since it doesn't steal 3 hours of my life from me, and is 100x better than the actual show (Don't you just wish that you could read your reports without having to, you know, watch the shows and write them up?...sucker).
I don't care about c*ns*rsh*p, or WrestleLine, SportsLine, or anything else along those lines. But what I do care about (well, not really, but it actually gives me something sensible to say here...maybe) are the people who are always bashing you, telling you "if you don't like it, don't watch it" and the likes. Ok, so I get a good laugh from these people, because they obvoiusly didn't think about what they were going to say before they said it, and I guess they don't realize just how stupid they come off looking. Kinda like me right now, eh?
I saw the letter from the guy who doesn't like you calling Goldberg COLD BEER. I always have to wonder about people who can't use the [SHIFT] key. Why does he want you, an event reviewer, to get to know the wrestlers? The last time I checked the guys on the evening news that do the sports recaps don't know who they're going on about. Right? Right? Oh, that's right. This is an e- mail...it can't respond to me. *Sigh*.
You know the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say..."? You should, enough people have told you to follow it. But what really gets me is that they don't follow the same philosophy. For some reason everyone gets upset over the stupidest things...like the opinions of others. No one's allowed to be wrong, right? Unless it's the other guy, that is. You get all this hate mail, most of it has to be more or less repetative, right? The real question I'm actually trying to ask (yes, there is one) is do you know WHY these people can't leave well enough alone? "If you don't like it, don't watch it...don't review it...don't make us hear about how you don't like it..." But isn't that what they do to you? They read your report, don't like something in it, whine bitch and complain to you about it? It really gets me, kuz I'm weird you know. I'm a very opinionated person, and I shoot my mouth off all the time, but I always think before I do so...I almost never end up with my foot stuck between my lips, and I don't (usually) come off looking like a dumbass hypocrite. Why does that seem like such a hard thing for (what seems like) everyone else?
I spend a lot of (well, some) time on the e-fed circut. You know, where everyone and their dog goes to be The Rock, but act like Stone Cold. Just to screw everyone up, my wrestler's name is Ut (no, not Undertaker...Ut), but I just shoot my face off. And most of the people in these things actually come off seeming smarter than the people who keep telling you off. And a lot of these guys have no creative abilities at all.
Hey, is it only a small group of 5 that keep doing it or what? Seems like it, since nothing new is ever said.
I've overstayed my welcome, haven't I? By like, every line but the first one. I should learn to be more coherant with my thoughts....
Not a COLD BEER fan, not a YOU KNOW WHO fan, hell, not even a DOUBLEJEW SEE DOUBLEJEW fan...(yeah, it's lame...but it's all I could think of)...
Chris (My name hasn't been reduced to letters yet, HA!) Cooke
I appreciate it, but I'm starting to think that there are people out there who are more affected by this than ME. And, like, they're talking to ME. You know? It's...funny.
Subject: A couple of things...
Hey CRZ -
A few of things from last night's RAW.
1. They need to send that ring-announcer chick back to Candlestick..err 3Com. She sucks.
2. I have officially dubbed Mid?on and Viscera the "No Talent Two." I think that should be their tag team name. One's Fat, the other..the other is Mideon.
3. Was it me, or was the crowd booing at the end? I mean, once you saw Mick take the chairshot from H, you knew it was over...I could have sworn there were plenty of folks booing once Mick got rolled into the Ring. (I mean, don't get me wrong...I like seeing H as Champ..but that sucked.)
Oh well. At least Jericho did something other than save us.
Subject: (no subject)
I am writing to tell you i enjoyed your take on Wcw Nitro this week. The show was horrible and the matches stunk. The people who book this stuff should be fired. Lenny Lane (Chris Jericho wannabe) acting like queer. I mean thats sick! Then you have the 2 minute man Goldberg (Stole the look from Austin) who does 3 moves then wins. At least with Hogan in wwf gave a good match before winning. Goldberg is so overrrated its not even funny. How many times can you expect to fool somebody by having him run over everybody. I mean sure he really could beat some stars but not as quick and easy as he does. Goldberg would be okay if he lose more often then he does. Wwf doesn't make Austin look unbeatable. Lets ge to the so called millenium man ( I thought that was the Y2J Chris Jericho) thats right Wcw needed something so they caught a wwf show and decided to use it. The whole thing sucks. Mikey Whipwreck in my book the new version of the Brooklyn Brawler no disrespect. Then you have Alex Wright trying to act hard now with his new gimmick. Boy Wcw rasslin is on the comeback with that. I can't believe they are still sticking with the West Texas Rednecks. Curt hennig who I used to like a few years back when he was feuding with Shawn Michaels is now making me sick. Wcw really did it by bringing back Hulk Hogan another gimmick stolen from Vince Mcmahon. Hulk Hogan died after Wrestlemania VI. Hogan and the rest of the senior citizens oops thats most of the roster should retire. I am so glad that Jericho left Wcw rasslin for the Wwf. I think he is doing alot better now. Let me get to Bret Hart. Bret is critizing Davey Boy about going back to the Wwf. If Bret had the chance he would the same thing. Ive been a fan of Bret for years and since he went to Wcw he career went downwards. Davey Boy's really went downwards. I am glad the bulldog is back with the Wwf. I think Nash and Hall will follow sooner or later. Wcw just sucks!
Subject: lillian garcia
I think she might be the female interviewer from Super Astros. Is aw it once, said hey, she's cute..they should put her on the real shows..
I had the EXACT same thought re soap opera and Test et al.
You should catch the Sting Sprite commercial..it's rather funny.
You must be PUNISHED for confusing Lilian Garcia with Maria Felipe! Maria kicks Lilian's ASS! Maria is the FINEST woman ALIVE! Maria NEEDS our support with SuperAstros in its death throes! She must CONTINUE to work for the WWF so that she can FIND OWEN'S LUGGAGE!!!
Hey, that SuperAstros - I REALLY think they need to move the soon-to-be-reunited Boricuas to RAW and Smackdown! - and then have Jesus Castillo turn on them again so they can redo the El Merenguero/Jose & Miguelito feud for the English speakin' viewers. That angle HELD TOGETHER that show when they only had like six guys working on it!! And they're all pretty cool, too! So anyway - bring over EVERYBODY on that show! YEAH!
Subject: No Subject
I got a real kick out of your Nitro report for 8/23/99. Luger not trusting anyone is hilarious on so many levels it's scary. Wasn't he a member of the NWO? Didn't he help to beat up Goldberg after the Nash/ Hogan title match disater early in the year?
Frankly, I think the character Sting is incredibly stupid. He joins the Wolfpac and gets screwed and now he trusts Hogan. Then again, he is the same person who trusted Flair during his face turns.
I'm sure I just missed it, but I don't remember seeing a Slash review of the MTV special on HHH, Chyna, Tony Atlas and the Les Thatcher wrestling school. The wrestling school stuff was just OK but the bit on Tony Atlas was amazing. All due respect to Bret Hart, but someone oughtta do a bio special on Atlas. I also dug the mini interview with Chyna where she expressed her fears of missing out on a normal life while giving crotch shots to Road Dogg and others. I came away from it with a newfound respect for the 9th wonder and even a new(and disturbing) attraction(!??) for the lady. Since her recent jaw sanding(s) she doesnt look anywhere as beastly as she once did. I wonder if anyone has every set numerous pics of her over the years to see the gradual changes?
You get a lot of crap from readers for having the nerve to express your opinion. It has always been my personal belief that there is nothing more feared in our culture than free thinkers. Even when I don't agree with you, I think you're damned funny and insightful. Keep it up and I'll keep a clickin'...
Subject: You are a god
As always your reports are the highlight of my Tuesdays. However, you have truly proven yourself to be a deity with the mention of Mike McGuirk. That's probably the most random name I haven't thought of in...what's it been, 10 years? That was an unexpected blast from the past which puts a very stupid grin on my face. Keep up the good work!
I have my moments...
I just wanna say you are one funny son of a bitch. I love your Nitro reports because there is nothing in them that doesn't make me laugh. Making fun of the wrestlers and just about everyone else makes my day, keep up the good work
Yow! I'm onna roll!
Subject: Ric Flair
I was curious as to how you feel about the way Flair has been treated recently. If you don't like the situation, I have this idea that may work. Basically it would involve putting up a template letter, written to WCW, telling them that we no longer want to see them put Flair in stupid or demeaning angles.
All the user would have to do is put in their name, email address, and click 'Send'. I've put a little something up at http://www.csoft.net/~rand/flair/index.htm that does just that. I'm hoping that enough people will use this to make WCW listen.
"Superstar" John C. and I worked on setting this up last week, and he's already got some people using it. Given the proper exposure, this can work.
Could you mention it on your site?
Well, even though Superstar is on board, I can probably still mention it.
Subject: Nitro letters
I think this speaks volumes about WCW's product:
I am more entertained by their fans trying to defend the company than the product itself. Speaking of their product, once again the Wes Teksis Renecks failed to fake their instruments right. Does WCW think we're dumb enough to forget that those violin sounds don't come from guitars and that Windham HIT'S THE SAME DAMN HI HAT AND FLOOR TOM WHEN THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT ROLLS AND CYMBALS IN THE SONG? Oh wait, we are! And Curt Hennig never sounded like a Minnesotan, he's a redneck, and he never was in the 4 Horsemen! That's why the shooting range has been forgotten! WCW CONTROLS THE TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM! Why the LWO never happened, Rey and Eddie have always been allies. And angles disappear after 2 months shelf time! Not only that, it's not 1999! It's 1992! And HULKAMANIA REGINS SUPEREME! Because it's 1997 and WCW rules the ratings! Make no sense? It doesn't have to, WCW controls the TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM! AND BISCHOFF DOESN'T HAVE GREY HAIR!
Well, now that I have discovered there secret, all I can hope for is that the wrong hands never get ahold of this info. Wait, it's 2000 BC and there are no wrong hands, everyone is good! And they love Hulkamania!
Ponder these ramblings, for someday they may be found true.
I want to say I love your RAW IS WAR reviews and well the Nitro ones are funny, too bad you can't make sh*t sparkle though. I agree with you one hundred percent with your assessment of that new ring announcer. In the words of the Rock, "She sucks." Some highlights: "Your winner the Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Then there was "the following conTest is scheduled for one round." How many rounds are there usually in wrestling? We don't even keep time anymore. "Making their way (three seconds later) to the ring." If she was trying to do a Captain Kirk impression that was terrible. It offends me as a wrestling fan and as a Trekker. I remember Mike McGuirk, she used to do the ring announcements on Wrestling Challenge with Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan before she moved on to WWF Superstars, where she disappeared. She was hot and damn good too. I remember when she said and now, "The self-proclaimed real world's champion" when Flair first joined the WWF with the NWA's belt. I was cracking up like crazy. I could've accpeted this new chick if she was really good looking but well she's not. What's with the eye shadow? She sounds liek Linda McMahon for god's sake the only difference being Linda is older, wears less eye shadow and knows a little bit about wrestling.
Thanks for letting me rant.
Subject: Nitro Report
The Yeti? Man, I thought I was the only one who remembered that! Even though WCW sucks royaly & watching it must frustrate the shit out of you, don't stop doing the Nitro report- it's one of the few reasons why I watch Nitro (on fast-forward because I tape it, of course).
Subject: Nitro and Raw
1. the burger king logo really does suck.
2. there was no need to hear that "good ol' boys" song twice.
3. The spear Goldberg did on Kanyon was pretty impressive.
4. Kimberly is a bad dancer.
5. The Undertaker telling Lawler .." one more stupid comment like that and I will stab you in the face" was the funniest thing I have ever heard on Raw.
Subject: stone cold
Why in the world did they take the title away from stonecold?????????????????And when do you think that they will give it back to him?And did hhh really hurt him sunday nite?
When and where is she going to apear??????????????????????
She's A PEAR?? (Didn't you just write to me?)
Subject: Test & Steph
I believe that Test only wants to marry Stephanie for a green card. I'm also hoping for a Stephanie heel turn.
Did you see Jericho double powerbomb Road dogg?That was so awesome. Don't you think jericho is quite sexy?He has alot of sex appeal on him.Just like stone cold does. But goldberg seriously has none. I don't see how Wcw thinks puttin goldberg with perfume is gonna sell something cause goldberg is one ugly mother fucker. No joke. I'm surprised they didn't put the Cat with the promo. And call the perfume "funk". They'll try to be hip with the black folk again. I haven't seen that girl since the last time i emailed ya so i can't tell ya if your idea worked yet.
Ok man, later
Craig S. Lubrano
Subject: re:"Out with evolution, in with revolution"
I couldn't help but notice the fact that you and many other internet fellows are confused with the phrase "Out with evolution, in with revolution." It's quite obvious really. You see, Shane Douglas used to be a school teacher, and he is just showing his support for the creationism/evolution debate going on in Kansas right now. This is leading to an angle where the revolution will introduce a new wrestler, Jesus (a luchador, natch). He will feud with Demon, the KISS wrestler. Hope this helps and keep up the good work.
Subject: RAW report
"Maybe chicks dig it" There you may be wrong. Being a female that watches wrestling the displays between Test and Stephanie are already getting old. If they were really getting married, then fine. But they may be taking this storyline just a bit too far. Hey--maybe next week we can get mommy's reaction to the proposal! And on the new ring announcer--I don't know her, but she SUCKS!!!!!!!! Great reports---keep up the good work.
Subject: Bill Dunn
As I was reading your Raw recap, I notice you dropped the name of Bill Dunn. Bill was not only my roommate for most of our college careers (and also one of the groosmen in my wedding), but he even got me 5 free tickets to Raw a couple weeks ago in Chicago. I was shocked to see his name appear in your column.
For the most part, he was in charge of concessions, but occasionally, he announced at house shows and once in a while at a TV.
You really made my day with that one.
Subject: 3 ?'s
what is the real story behind stphanie and test?
was it in HHH's contract to win the title and is he slated to defend it = a wrestlemania next year against austin?
1. See, Test was this bodyguard for Motley Crue, then he joined the Corporation, then he got kicked out so he joined the Union, but then they forgot the Union, but anyway he asked Stephanie out and she said yes, then Test said they were "just friends" but the GTV cameras caught them kissing outside a hotel, so then Shane got all angry and sent Joey Abs and the Mean Street Posse after Test, but he crippled all of them, so Shane said HE'D have a "Love Her or Leave Her" match at SummerSlam, but Test won, so he could keep seeing her, and he even asked her to marry him, but she said she needed some time to decide. I think that covers it.
2. Jim Ross said no - but who believes HIM?
3. I'm still thinking they'll try to groom the Big Show for WrestleMania, starting sooner or later. Of course, if he gets programmed with Undertaker, THAT might do the slow burn until WrestleMania...so maybe we WOULD see Triple H in that slot. I guess we'll have to see how over he gets in the next, say, month.
Subject: nitro reports
Man, I love your Nitro reports. I'm glad somebody watches that show so I don't have to. Anyway, I don't know if you saw it or not, but during the KISS concert, when they were rolling the casket(?) containing Crush out, it looked like the thing tried to pop open prematurely. *I* had visions of the Shockmaster all over again. That would have been so very WCW of them.
Keep up the good work.
PS I checked out your music collection list, very impressive. The only recommendation I could make is "1965" by the Afghan Whigs. I don't think it's left my CD player in weeks.
Subject: Nash's whereabouts on 8/23
I really enjoy your reports. I travel for my work 25 days a month and hardly get to see Raw or Nitro (I only watch WCW occasionally for Chae and Raven--and it's a brutal pill to swallow I must admit). Your descriptions are quite vivid and I feel like I don't miss a beat of action.
I had Monday night off in Miami Beach, and went out to a late dinner. Afterwards, a few of the guys decided to hit Deja Vu (a beautiful, top shelf lap dance emporium) on Collins Avenue. We got in about 2:30 am and proceeded to meet some very talented Brazilian ladies. As we were relaxing upstairs in the VIP Skybox (that's what they call it), I hear the DJ introducing none other than WWF's Big Sexy Kevin Nash (Big Kev let the DJ know he was now working for Ted at WCW). As I was fairly preoccupied, I was unable to see where he went, but I assume he made himself comfortable. I guess he just couldn't force himself to fly cross country to enjoy the premiere of the West Texas Rednecks' new toe tapper. Oh well, who can blame Big Kev anyway, who wants to sit through and entire Nitro anyway--Live no less.
Subject: WWF ring announcers
You're right that the new ring announcer may have a decent face, but her mike skills are worse than Helen Keller's. Please bring us back to the days of Joe McCune (sp?) and the early days of the WWF TV show. How can anybody forget the delivery style of Joe McCune - "The officials assigned by the State Ath-a-let-ic Co-miss-ion... Dick Woherle - Wee Willie Webber... The timekeeper at the bell.... The doctor in attendance at ringside - Dr. George Zahorian (!), and my name is (voice slightly rising) Joe McCune."
Plus, how could you ever forget his vocal delivery when introducing the wrestlers - "And his op-po-nent... weighing in at two hundred forth-seven pounds, from Auckland, New Zealand, Tony Ga-REE-ah! And his partner, from Poland, weighing in at two hundred sixty-three pounds, Polish Power, Ivan-PUT-skeeee."
Besides, I have this sneaky suspicion that within six weeks, Lillian Garcia will be part of the WWF T&A Women's Division (even though she's got a face that is perfect for radio).
Subject: I figured out wcw master plan
First they debut the Kiss wrestler on monday night. I heard they are in negotiations with dan severn. Now lets put two and two together. Dan Severn looks like a pumped up Freddy Mercury, Queen hate Kiss, Kiss hates queen. Its from the 80's. I expect they will bring in Severn and queen and say severn is freddy Mercury or his son or some shit and the main event for Starcade is Severn vs Adams. WCW are fucking Geniuses and this angle will probaly be the rebirth of wcw. Hope im wrong but am probaly correct. what do you think
I'll buy it.
Subject: Burger King Logo
i just read your article about wcw nitro. you really think you are f*cking funny saying the new Burger King logo sucked you f*cking idiot. go sit and watch the greaseball's... i mean McDonalds and stop trying to write about something you dont know shit about. Burger King may not have all the best burgers but people will get sick of the old boring logo's. the only logo that is keeping the other restaurants alive is the Wendy's chick... Man she is hot!! at least until the Burger King sign attracts more people thru it's glowing beauty. so try to be more respectful to Burger King attendants, you never know if they read your articles a**hole. by the way a friend of mine works for Burger King and he is none other than the logo designer. We went to college together d*ckhead. anyways i am saying that you have freedom of speech, but you got to know that the hard workers of burger king might get pissed off the way you insult them especailly about their logo. They are the best grillers in the world and they can fry circles around anyone including you. so in closing stop being an a**hole and start learning more about the attendants as people and not by what they do in the back of the kitchen, you should know that they are good people. just think about Dave Thomas and jack cause they are great guys. Dave created a great logo and jack brought us the delicious Sourdough Jack...
Burger King fan
PS In reality I feel real FUCKING sorry for you man. Nitro ain't worth that.
And what better way to close it out for this week?
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
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