Well, last week I got suspended by CRZ after a huge argument over wages. You see, UK writers get paid less than anyone on the payroll. No, really - I wasn't at home so I left my trust in my VCR hands - and it pissed it away. It cut off after the first match. Great.

Anyway...

Welcome to WWF Metal! Your hosts are Kevin Kelly and Tom Prichard. As we cut off for our first match - this is WWF.... HEAT? Then what the hell are Al Snow and Viscera doing here? Yep, we get last weeks Heat matches!

AL SNOW VS BIG PISS. Al Snow with kicks before Viscera even gets in the ring. Cross body off the ring apron, and gets caught - and gets driven straight into the post. Whip to the steps. And the barricade. Al Snow counters with rights and a step-propelled side kick! Back in the ring now. Viscera with two big chops in the corner. Clothesline by Al! Enziguri! 1, 2... Viscera counters with a sidewalk slam. BIG legdrop! 1, 2... Samoan drop! Now time for the sports entertainment side of the match - down is Steve Blackman, who distracts the ref, enabling Al Snow to clock Big Vis over the head with um, head... 1, 2, 3 (3:33).

Tazz faced Chris Benoit in a good match. Ur-anus (sorry) comes to spilt it up ruining Tazz's chances - losing him the match. Kurt Angle faced Val Venis in a passable match. Kurt applied a crossface chickenwing to win the bout.

WWF Axxess. Hey, look at the Big Show signing autographs! There's the slut Terri, who was involved in perhaps the most ridiculous angle on the show - she slept with Val Venis. Was that necessary? And there is... Trish Stratus. Thank god SHE wasn't stupid enough to get um, sucked into that angle.

BRADSHAW VS BULL BUCHANAN. Head to the buckle by Bull. Push to the corner - both men go to the outside - guess that wasn't supposed to happen. Into the steps goes Bull. Bradshaw grabs a chair, the ref takes it off him - enabling Bull to take the advantage. Back in the ring - rights. Choke. Brad with a big boot. Whip to the buckle. Powerbomb by Bradshaw was blocked, Bull counters with a back body drop. Choke. BIG suplex for 2. Irish whip. Dropkick. Bradshaw comes back with a boot of his own. Ebowdrop. Whip by Bradshaw to the buckle - Bull jumps straight to the middle ropes and hits a flying back elbow. Farooq is in the ring - let's call for the predictably unpopular disqualification (4:13).

GODFATHER & D'LO BROWN (w/4 ho's and 8 titties) VS MEAN STREET POSSE (w/Pete Gas). That blonde ho at the front looks like she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Oops. Straight off, Godfather with kicks, whip to the buckle. Arm twist. Kick. WOBBLY ELBOWDROP - MISSES! Whahahaha. Rodney in. Tag to D'Lo. Bodyslam by Godfather, WOBBLY legdrop! D'lo with rights. Side kick! Rights in the corner. Whip to the buckle - misses a clothesline. Slingshot by Rodney. Stomps. Swinging neckbreaker off the ropes for 2. Tag to Abs. Double team drop toe hold/elbowdrop. D'Lo with a dropkick from the top. Tag to Rodney. I wonder if... HOT TAG to Godfather. Oh shit. Back body drop for Abs. Another for Rodney. Ho Train on Rodney! The ho's distract Abs, who was about to interfere, by polishing his... D'Lo frogsplash! 1, 2, 3 (3:25).

Here's the Raw highlights - go straight to CRZ's report.

VAL VENIS VS HARDCORE HOLLY.
Hardcore with a whip reversal. Suplex. Val with rights. Holly comes back with rights and a suplex. Clothesline. Rights to the forehead. Things take to the outside with the usual rights/steps/post. Suplex back in the ring. Val counters, with a swinging neckbreaker. Oh, for the love of pete, here comes Crash Holly. Val, that fishermans suplex never works. 1, 2, um, 3? (4:01) That got it?

Well, that's all for this week. See you again next week! Where I hope they have some new matches!

Kirk Wagstaff
[slash] wrestling

Email the Author
Visit WBW