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/22 July 2000

WWF Metal NY by Kim (Bitchfactor)




It's WLNY-TV, New York 55 (broadcasting from Riverhead, New York on that suburban cesspool known as Long Island), and I've only just found out that WWF Metal shows up here on Saturday nights! Just 'cause I subscribe to "TV Guide" doesn't mean I actually read it, you know.

One World Leader Attitude is sponsored by the World Wrestling Federation. It's WWF Metal!

Our hosts are Kevin Kelly and Tom Pritchard, two very unattractive men, who remind us that Fully Loaded is tomorrow as we launch right into

ESSA-Y RIOS, THE ARTISTIC HIGH-FLYER (w/ two sets of pants) vs. D'LO BROWN (w/ Chaz and two matching sets of pants) -- Kelly informs us that "the lives of six WWF superstars is all set to change" at Fully Loaded and I chastise him for his subject-verb disagreement. Chops-n-blows ensue with not all that much of this "artistic high-flying" I've heard the kids go on and on about. Why is Chaz cheering Essa on, anyway? I'm confused. D'Lo barks at the ref to get out his damn way before he completes a second rope moonsault, har. Rios does some kind of "sky high" thingie, but D'Lo counters w/ a Lo- Down for 3. (5:22)

Here's a look at our hosts. Good thing my pizza hasn't gotten here yet. Kelly commences to remind us that Fully Loaded is "literally hours away" (well, anything more than 1:59 into the future is "literally hours away," dorfus), while Pritchard relates that Chris Jericho "is definitely living on the edge and playing a very dangerous game," and that game is going to get extreme this Sunday. That's it, I'm calling my cable company NOW.

Our hosts send us to the capable hands of Jonathan Coachman, who says hello to all of us in the New York area upon a backdrop of Rock jerseys and tells us that SmackDown! is coming to the Nassau Coliseum on Tuesday, October 24. Now here's an old-school promo from Chris Jericho!

Jericho: "Fully Loaded. Y2J, Triple H. Last. Man. Standing. And every Jerichoholic wants to know, what was it like to get slammed in the head with a sledgehammer? Well, Triple H, I think it knocked something loose. I think a brand-new Chris Jericho is going to be there on Sunday. Because you are still The Game, but now Y2J has become the Hunter." And then he puts his hands on his hips and glares. Hey, that wasn't funny at all!

COMING UP: A look at The Rock-Benoit flap -- can the Rock cost himself the title at Fully Loaded? More Metal action as Crash takes on Chaz! Kurt Angle gets desperate! (B-roll: Angle throws milk and popcorn on 'Taker's bike) All this and more... on Metal!

AD BREAK: "Nutty Professor II," Butterfinger, 1-800-CALLATT, Castrol GTX, NY55 Joblink presents Sleepy's (the Mattress Professionals with the Cartoon Hitler Mascot) -- call for details on a career educating others on the importance of the right mattress!, Strauss Discount Auto, and DeVry Institute.

Maximum Power from RC Edge reminds us that Jericho did some stuff to Triple H, and then he snarled. Grr!

Why, it's THRASHER vs. RODNEY (w/ sweater vest) -- Kelly tells us that the best place to watch Fully Loaded is with a THOUSAND other WWF fans at WWF New York, in the heart of Times Square. You never know who'll be there! Why, MICHAEL HAYES was there for SmackDown! (NO!) Thrasher dominates 'til Rodney somehow squeaks in a DDT. High Society misses, Thrasher rolls him up in a cradle for 3. (2:51) Let's see Thrasher smile!

STILL TO COME on Metal: Former Headbanger Chaz tests his "mettle" against Crash! And a special look at Kurt Angle and the Undertaker (B-roll: Angle on a scooter)

AD BREAK: Tool of the man Clay berates 420Agirl about smoking; a rainbow is tasted; the Senior PGA Tour comes to Jericho, NY; and some guy has trouble doing a commercial for the Window Factory

Metal is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT, Lorillard Whacko Tobacco (for teens), and Skittles!

Here's a special look at the Undertaker and Kurt Angle from SmackDown! -- I missed all this 'cause we girls sniffed out the location of Dean "Ryan O'Reily" Winters' birthday party and crashed it. Can anyone blame me? Anyway, Angle works on Kane's knee with a chair, Angle pours sludge on 'Taker's bike, and Angle surprises 'Taker with a toy wrench. I neglected to time how much time all these clips took up, sorry.

WWF Fully Loaded! Don't miss it!

COMING UP: That Chaz-Crash match! A special look at Rock- Benoit (B-roll: Benoit punks out Rock in mid-catchphrase)! Plus Big Bossman takes on Gangrel!

AD BREAK: A&W Root Beer ("$300 for a massage?!"), BK chicken sammiches, 1-800-COLLECT, "The (EMF-enhanced) Replacements," and Strauss Discount Auto.

Here's a special look at Dick Butkus and XFL. This footage looks like it was taped on some college student's COBY-brand VCR and then taped off the TV screen. No, it doesn't make the XFL look cheap or cheesy at all. Then Vince McMahon talks up Butkus. I may have only mentioned that so I could show people how to spell "McMahon" correctly

Now it's time for FLAMING GANGREL (w/ goblet of "that red liquid") vs. BIG BOSSMAN (w/ baton) -- "Bossman sucks" chant sounds like "Hogan sucks" for some reason. You do play-by- play, I'm eating pizza. Bossman Slam for 3. (4:17)

COMING UP: Chaz vs. Crash! A special look at Rock and the rabid wolverine Benoit (B-roll: Rock sends Benoit into a Pepsi machine)! And Kelly wonders who the Last Man Standing will be when Triple H and Jericho "get their hands on one another?" and I once again berate him on his inability to observe the simplest rules of proper English.

Fully Loaded promo: repeated "trip-trip-triple main event" chants make me want to Bonham my TV set

AD BREAK: Derek Jeter drinks Gatorade, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire home game, Butterfinger, Motel 12 -- no, 6, Dry Look Bruce Davis for 1-800-LAWYERS ("If you've been hurt by ANYTHING!"), The Jewelry Source of Fort Lee, and Lighthouse Insurance's ad people should be shot

Twix presents Fully Loaded -- SUNDAY!

The People's Champ has a one-word demand, and that is Benoit! Here's 1:20 worth of clips to prove it! Here's a look at Benoit interrupting the Rock's autograph session. Here's the Rock joining Chris Jericho to take out Triple H, Benoit, and Earl Hebner for good measure. Rock sends Shane over the top rope AND the announce table. Walls of Jericho on Triple H! Crossface on Benoit! It's pandemonium! Stephanie spoils everything by sucking at ringside. Clips take up about 5:15 total.

Did I happen to mention that I missed all this SmackDown! action the first time 'round 'cause we girls spent the evening dancing with the men of "Oz" and actually TOUCHED a sweaty, wasted, and wifebeater-clad Ryan O'Reily? Oh, I did? Well, just wanted to rub that in, don't mind me *whistling*

It's tomorrow night! It's Fully Loaded! Your cable bill nets ya an "EncycRAWpedia" CD-ROM, fer chrissakes!

STILL TO COME: Chaz goes one-on-one against Crash (REALLY?!)

AD BREAK: "Hollow Man," Greyhound, 1-800-CALLATT, that annoying tool named Clay, Stepford college students for Hofstra, Strauss Discount Auto, Preferred Futon (mention this ad and receive two free cotton pillows!), and NY55 Action- Adventure night -- every Wednesday at 8!

Hoku and Twix bring you the Slam of the Week -- Malibu Stacy pushes Mandee (to the rescue) off a ladder and hence, through a table.

Finally, it's FORMER HEADBANGER CHAZ (w/ D'Lo Brown and those same two sets of matching pants) vs. SWEE'PEA CRASH (w/ Scale) -- Kelly goes OUT THERE: "Tom, if there was ever a time where I wanted to see a woman be superplexed off the top of a ten-foot ladder and be driven through a table, I can say that it was last Monday on Raw." Kelly weeps and wishes that it would have happened to Trish, while Pritchard insists that Lita "managed to go down at the right time." So after pimping this match for 50 minutes, they proceed to ignore it. Chaz dominates, jaws at the crowd, and uses his boots a lot. D'Lo interferes w/ a choke on Crash! Ooh. Crash comes to about four minutes in (dropkicking D'Lo through the ropes for good measure) and a missile dropkick sends Chaz out of the ring. D'Lo jumps in with a one-armed flapjack on Crash behind the ref's back. Ooh! Chaz returns to slam Crash for 3. Cheater. (4:49)

"The Coach" reminds us that Fully Loaded is Sunday and provides a rundown of the triple main event. He wonders aloud, "If you're living in the New York City area, why would you want to watch it at home when you could come to the heart of Times Square, to WWF New York, and watch it *for the same price* on a 27-foot Titantron with a THOUSAND of your CLOSEST FRIENDS?!" The man drives a hard bargain. You never know what superstar will be in the house! It could be MICHAEL HAYES!! We're whores!

AD BREAK: Misogynists love Castrol GTX, Skittles, (sponsored in part by your tri-state Dodge dealers), Sleepy's (the Mattress Professionals with the Cartoon Hitler Mascot), Your Favorite Cowboy Buddy Flip for White Post Animal Farm in Melville, LI ("PONY PARTIES!!!"), WLNY-TV's The Cutting Edge, and DeVry Institute

Metal is brought to you by Stacker2, Castrol (get a free "Best of Summerslam" video w/ purchase of a case of Castrol GTX), and Sony Playstation (w/o Kahimi Karie)

HeAT promo! Dudley Boyz take on Lo-Down! "Think there'll be any wood?" Plus any and all last-minute changes to Fully Loaded! Don't miss it (unless you're on the West Coast, in which case you have no choice)!

Here's one last rundown of the triple main event at Fully Loaded! Don't hear about this amazing night from your friends, New York, 'cause they can't be trusted!

And we're out.

Kim (B)
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission