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/19 August 2000

WWF Metal NY by Kim (Bitchfactor)




Have I happened to mention how happy I am to have made a regular return to the [slash]? I'm overjoyed to be here now that that mass circle jerk appears to have moved itself somewhere else. Really, if I wanted to be entertained by anonymous guys sucking each other off, I'd rent gay porn.

WLNY-TV -- New York 55!

One World Leader Attitude is NOT "sponsored by World Wrestling Federation" this week... but the opening credits are! It's METAL! It's paid programming!

Ding ding ding, it's BIG BOSS MAN (w/ sunglasses and hippie beater) vs. EAST COAST NOBODY JAY GILLETTE -- Bossman joins Gillette (whose tights read "Kidd"), who's already in the ring. Apparently Gillette is "reminiscent of Crash," so that's why Bossman's giving him such a brutal beatdown. Oh, absolutely. At least the explanation is attentive to the forwarding of a current storyline. Good show, WWF! Pounding and posturing, just my favorite kind of match *yawn.* Bossman slam for 3, what a shocker. (3:04)

We get no camera action from TOM PRITCHARD and KEVIN KELLY up in the traditional area this week... instead, we go straight to

JONATHAN COACHMAN, this time looking casual in a WWF-issue black T-shirt. Hey, SmackDown! is coming to the Nassau Coliseum on October 24! All this talk of Long Island is making me hungry for an old-school promo from Tazz, with whom the Coach spoke to "recently" about his vendetta against Jerry "The King" Lawler.

Tazz, sans sunglasses, sports a Dysfunctional Family Picnic T-shirt and looks off-camera not to speak to the Coach, but to boldly read off cue cards. He just don't care! "It's simple. JR was just about to become another victim to the human wrecking machine, but then Lawler had to stick his nose in my bidness. And I'll tell you what. He will become just another victim to Tazz, the one-man crime spree. Thug life born, thug life bred, when the time is right, I'll be thug life dead."

Hmm. I'm fairly certain Tazz misplaced a "just" early on, and even he's slacking off on the catchphrase now. I certainly hope I don't see this kind of sloppy work on Metal next week, WWF!

COMING UP: Kurt Angle and Triple H join forces to take on the Rock -- ooh, hilites! Plus, it's champion vs. champion when Saturn defends the European gold against Dean Malenko. And footage of convention fun with Chyna and the Rock!

AD BREAK: 1800CALLATT, senseless Starburst ad, JCPenney Pop the Lock teaches America's children the concept of thievery, New York Islanders (great seat locations!), Katharine Gibbs School of Melville, and Atlantic Express bus drivin'!

Enjoy this Smackdown the Vote promo featuring a real American hero, Kurt Angle. Smackdown your vote and write him in come November!

It's time for convention fun with Chyna and the Rock. "We have the power to elect the next president of the United States," says Chyna. Wow, if she says so, it must be true! "Voila! My opinion counts," she concludes. Stunning.

Kevin Kelly reminds us that Smackdown the Vote is a non-partisan endeavor.

Hoo lawd, it's FLAMIN' GANGREL (w/ goblet of some sort of red fluid) vs. EAST COAST NOBODY BOB ELLIS? ROB HARRIS? OH, IT'S APPARENTLY BOB EVANS -- Evans (whose boots read "BB") is mighty pale. And his in-ring ability can best be described as "spastic." Take note of the "I'm here to see Chuck Palumbo" sign in the crowd. Well, you have to give Gangrel credit for showing up, let alone halfway trying. Impaler pour trois. (3:35) Elbowdrop for good measure. Now show those fangs!

COMING UP: Rodney and Pete "Gas" 'gainst Lo Down! Plus hilites of the bad blood between Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit.

AD BREAK: "Highlander: Endgame" (only in theaters), do the hustle groovy outta sight dynomite chicken sandwiches from Burger King, cartoon violence for Butterfinger, that fucking "Bohemian Rhapsody" parody Mountain Dew commercial that I cannot fucking stand, and DeVry Institute.

This week, WWF Metal is brought to you by Burger King, 1800CALLATT, and Bally Total Fitness!

WHEN CANADIAN CHRISSES ATTACK! Is "Chrisses" the proper plural of "Chris?" I don't know. Anyway, here are some highlights. Ooh, here's a special appearance by Steve Blackman. Was it just me, or was Jericho sooo weak on the mic at SmackDown!? I mean, come one, dragging out "pansy," that's just plain lazy. Clips eat up about (3:20).

Here, have a Benoit vs. Jericho Summerslam graphic! Shane looks so terribly out of place. Rub your tummy, rub it hard... it's Summerslam, exclusively on pay-per-view! Unless you want to watch it at WWF New York, of course. Don't forget you can watch it at WWF New York! They've got mozzarella sticks!

COMING UP: Shane has Kurt Angle and Triple H seeing eye to eye! How did he do it? Watch the damn highlights! Plus the Posse's looking for a victory while Lo Down is searching for respect. I didn't even make that up.

AD BREAK: JCPenney Pop Lockin' but not body rockin'; thetruth encourages teens to vandalize store property by randomly ripping pages out of magazines -- go do it now or you don't get a cupcake, you sheep; some fucking videogame, I dunno; Nationwide Warehouse; and the return of the Katharine Gibbs School of Melville.

WWF Right Guard Extreme Rewind -- Kane puts the Satanic Biker through the mat, sort of. But the question remains... why?

LO DOWN (a team in search of respect) vs. GANG OF FATONES FEATURING PETE "GAS" FATONE AND RODNEY FATONE (mit sweater vests) -- The theme here tonight? Tag teams wear matching pants. Chaz and Rodney start, and I start fast forwarding. I stop to see Pete "Gas" repeatedly headbutting D'Lo. I apparently wasn't missing much. Oh look, they're both down. Oh look, they're both crawling back to make the tag. Oh look, someone's interfering. Oh look, all four men are in the ring. Oh look, Rodney gets tossed out. Oh look, Pete "Gas" gets crotched by Chaz on the turnbuckle, thereby being set up for the Lo Down. Oh look, I'm so shocked. (5:51)

COMING UP: Will Dean Malenko add another belt to his resume? And family forces unite to take on the people's champ.

AD BREAK: Burger King breakfast sandwiches, silence Pop the Lock's voice by firebombing every JCPenney's store you see, Heinz ketchup, M&Ms, your favorite cowboy Buddy Flip for White Post Animal Farm (turkey pens!), the New York Islanders are back on track, and Parker Tours.

Chef Boyardee, he bring-a you the Summerslam.

Oh boy, here's a truckload of clips addressing the whole Triple H/Kurt Angle/Stephanie McMahon extravaganza, featuring special appearances by Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon, the Dudley Boyz, Edge & Christian, the Rock, and just about anyone else you care to throw in there. All "performance" clips featuring Stephanie have been wisely avoided in this package, which eats up about (6:36) total.

BACKSTAGE: Perry Saturn and Terri are on the way to the ring! Oh dear Lord, Terri's mortifying cleavage MUST BE STOPPED. IT'S JUST UGLY. IT'S JUST BAD. WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE LISTEN? WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?

Hey, there's three new WWF videos coming out, 'cause this promo is telling you so. "WWF Divas (the geriatric generation)," "TLC: Tablez and Ladderz and Chairz," and a Wrestlemania double DVD! Hey, didn't Savannah do one of those double DVDs when she was all horsed up on death's doorstep?

AD BREAK: Butterfinger, 1800CALLATT, Gatorade ("I refuse to die." Good for you), JCPenney Pop the Lock won't stop, Bide-a-Wee (aww, lookit the puppies and kitties!), DeVry Institute, Mountain Dew, and Atlantic Express bus drivin'!

WWF Lugz Boot of the Week -- Terri gets the azzface.

A MAN NAMED PERRY (w/ TERRI) vs. DEAN MALENKO (w/ two smack-addled transvestite hookers) for the European Title -- We got a second "sponsored by World Wrestling Federation" chyron during Perry-n-Terri's entrance, hopefully to help make up for past weeks' transgressions. Terri really needs to keep that gaping chasm between her breasts covered up. It makes me nauseous. Nice pants, though -- my gramma has a couch upholstered with that stuff. Let's take a moment to shill the WWF covers on "TV Guide" (a News Corporation publication) -- I got Chris Jericho in my mailbox, but he so doesn't even look hardly halfway cute on it. Oh, well. Saturn takes the first 20 seconds to shoo the ho's away from Terri... he might get them mixed up if they stand too close to one another, see. Here we go! Mat wrasslin'! Speedy shit! Wow, Malenko looks like he has skinny ankles. His lower legs are entirely twig-like. I've never noticed that before. Actually, Saturn's look kinda scrawny too. Maybe it's some kind of optical illusion. God, I'm OBSESSED with this phenomenon now. Honestly, check it out for yourself. It's bizarre. Oh, Terri distracts ref while Essa Rios comes out and kicks Malenko to break the Tejas cloverleaf, so Saturn gets in a northern lights suplex for 3 to retain. (4:53) What, is Essa doing Saturn now too?

It's time for the COACH! He's here to talk about the crossroads of the world, WWF New York, of course. You can watch Summerslam there, you know. You can eat buffalo wings there too! In fact, there's LOTS of chicken on the menu... at WWF New York!

Summerslam promo Stephanie acting must ignore shrill whine there better

AD BREAK: Burger King breakfast, consciousness is not that annoying Starbust commercial, Katharine Gibbs School of Melville, New York Islanders, Nationwide Warehouse, and P.C. Richard & Son (air conditioners!)

This week, WWF Metal is brought to you by Snickers, Squaresoft, and Castrol!

HeAT PROMOZ: Two more big announcements concerning Summerslam! Jericho will rock the house! RTC takes on T&A! Kurt Angle in action against Matt Hardy!

RAW PROMOZ: OH MY GOD, Stephanie will defend her Women's Title against Lita! Plus Shane will compete in a Hardcore Title match against none other than Steve Blackman.

Credits, please. Hey, I got through a week without having to look at Tom Pritchard! Hallelujah!

Kim (B)
[slash] wrestling

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