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/26 August 2000

WWF Metal NY by Kim (Bitchfactor)




If there's one thing I learned last week, it's that there are a LOT of guys out there who will quite willingly offer themselves up to be associated with (metaphorical) circle jerks, sodomy, and gay porn. Gosh, who knew? A note to anyone who actually believes this applies to them: Don't come crying to me, 'cause you've obviously got problems you need to work out on your own.

WLNY-TV -- New York 55!

One World Leader Attitude is sponsored by World Wrestling Federation this week! Sense my relief.

Let's take a brief look back at SmackDown! -- Kurt Angle done knocked Stephanie out, baby.

WWF Metal: Providing quality paid programming to the tri-state area.

Oh, before I totally forget, between an overload of rock shows, alcohol, and housecleaning due to an unexpected family visit (at least I had time to scrub the kitchen floor during X-Pac/Road Dogg), I'm keeping it extra-short this week. You want detailed results? Go find a NY-area WWF Metal recap somewhere else. That applies to EVERY week, actually

He'll be comin' down the mountain when he comes: DEAN MALENKO (w/ Light Heavyweight belt and two blonde hos in matching outfits) vs. CHAD CHEETUM (already in ring) -- I believe Malenko's hos might actually be genetic females this week. I'm impressed by Cheetum's silver pants. Shame about the shoes, though. Tejas cloverleaf for 3. (2:13)

Our unseen hosts TOM PRITCHARD and KEVIN KELLY immediately send us over to

JONATHAN COACHMAN, cutting loose in a red WWF polo. Remember, SmackDown! comes to the Nassau Coliseum on October 24. Don't forget Summerslam, where there will be a tablez/ladderz/chairz match between the Dudley Boyz, Edge (my new best friend) and Christian, and the Hardy Boyz. Let's see what the Dudley Boyz have to say about it in this old-school promo!

We are magically transported to a poorly lit backstage area, where D-VON DUDLEY and BUH BUH RAY DUDLEY are talking amongst themselves. A table is casually propped against a wall so that Buh Buh Ray may pound upon it for emphasis. I'm sure you can all grasp the poignant scene. But what, pray, do they have to say?

BBR: D-Von, everybody knowz that the Dudley Boyz are the masterz of the table match. So this Sunday at Summerslam, if Edge and Christian want to bring their chairz, and the Hardy Boyz want to bring their ladderz, so be it. Because by the time the night'z over, and we walk out Tag Team Championz, everybody will know why thou shalt not mess with the Dudleyz.

D-V: Ha! Oh, my brother, testify!

Hey, don't you want to order Summerslam now? Call your local cable provider right this second!

COMING UP: Lita takes Stephanie's gold! Lo Down takes on the "unusual pairing" of the Big Bossman and Mideon. And up next -- it's our "fun lovin' friends from the Far East! Kai En Tai is with us!"

AD BREAK goes here

P.O.D.'s "Rock the Party" presents the Smash Hit of the Week -- Let's go back TWO weeks to see Kane chokeslam his brother straight to hell, because He Is A Monster. Do these Jesus-loving rockers realize they're promoting devil' worshippin' wrestlers? Rock the party with the Lamb of God! Buy P.O.D.'s "The Fundamental Elements of Southtown" today!

ESSAY RIOS (the artistic high-flyer) and SOME GUY CLAD IN LUDICROUS NEON FRINGE (whose name may be Terry Rockford or Carey Rockwhirter, depending on who's talking) (On Jakked, he was Kerry Rockford - AND they took an AD BREAK during this match! Can you BELIEVE it? - CRZ) vs. KAI EN TAI -- DAMN, this is a spunky little match. Bet you'd love some play-by-play, right? Hey, guess what -- Michinoku driver for 3. (5:02)

COMING UP: Just Joe takes center stage in his Metal debut! And Chris Jericho has some laughs at Chris Benoit's expense.

AD BREAK goes here

WWF Metal is brought to you by Stacker2 legal speed, Adidas, and Twix!

Let's go back to SmackDown!, where Y2J had a poetic message for Benoit, teamed with the Hardyz for a win against Edge (my new best friend) and Christian with Benoit, and gave us a special Summerslam preview with an impromptu appearance by the Dudleyz, resulting in both Chrisses going through a table. Neat how that works, eh? Clips eat up about (4:39) though I may have screwed up the math

COMING UP: A special look at the men in Vince's little girl's life. And Just Joe battles Gangrel!

AD BREAK goes here

Lugz Boot of the Week: Shane McMahon gets the Hardcore Title off of Steve Blackman.

POT STIRRER JUST JOE vs. FLAMIN' GANGREL (w/ goblet of some sort of red substance) -- It is Just Joe's Metal debut, we are reminded. His entrance video is riddled with Fumetti-like images. I have no idea if I'm spelling "Fumetti" correctly. Sheesh, Joe is one big chunk of cheese. That getup of his ain't no picnic either. I believe he may be With Child. Hey, Gangrel, don't hit a pregnant man like that! This is actually a decent match, but fuck it, I don't have the time. And I wasn't paying attention to what Joe's finisher was, either. Bite me. (4:01)

COMING UP: Lo Down continues their search for respect. And up next -- a couple of people kiss, or something

AD BREAK goes here

I hate to admit it, but I think I may be a little in love with Kurt Angle. It's the same sick crush I have on Iron Chef Morimoto-san. I know, it's so wrong. In case you were wondering, this brief confession was brought on by a montage-inal going through the same old same old about Kurt and Triple H and Stephanie and whatnot and blah blah blah. You've already seen all this on Summerslam... unless you're a big cheapskate, of course. Oh, and just for the record, the BIG SWEATY MAKE-OUT MOMENT lacked the superimposed fireworks effects they had on HeAT and Summerslam which so filled me with mirth. Clips eat up about (6:36) total.

COMING UP: Big Bossman and Mideon take on Lo Down! So enticing, they saved it for last!

AD BREAK goes here

Let's take a special look at the XFL team logoz and colorz -- man, that Memphis Maniax logo is SO GAY.

LO DOWN (a team in search of respect) vs. the unusual pairing of BIG BOSS MAN and THE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT STYLINGS OF MIDEON -- Lo Down arrives wearing not only matching pants, but new matching shirts as well -- airbrushed with "Lo Down" on the front, "The Next Level" on the back. Tres ghetto chic. I doubt either of these men are suitably "reminiscent of Crash" enough to get Bossman fired up. Oh, come on, don't even try to tell me you care what happens in this match. Lo Down on Mideon for 3. (out of my brain on the 5:15)

THE COACH gives us one last look at his white pants before Labor Day as he reminds us that we can watch Summerslam at WWF New York. And on Monday, you can watch a satellite feed of RAW IS WAR at the usual 9:00 p.m. (EDT) start time! And if you've got proper ID, you can drink overpriced ROLLING ROCK!

WWF Metal is brought to you by Right Guard Xtreme Sport, 1800CALLATT, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed processed meat and enriched pasta product goods!

Need we remind you to watch HeAT? It's happening and it's live at 7:00 p.m.!

Rub your tummy, rub it hard -- it's Summerslam, only on Pay Per View! Send in your cable bill to get those cheap Rock sunglasses they just can't seem to move off the shelves at WWF New York.

Let's run down that Summerslam card and enjoy some brightly colored graphics, shall we?

Oh, and be sure to watch Summerslam, only on Pay Per View. Good night!

Once again I am spared the horrific visages of Tom Pritchard and Kevin Kelly this week (at least in the Metal context). I'm starting to miss them!

Kim (B)
[slash] wrestling

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