Shouldn't even bother, as I'm not so deluded as to believe this is SOMETHING AKIN TO A REAL SUPER SERIOUS JOB not to mention my only LIFELINE to the OUTSIDE WORLD and TOUCHSTONE of LEGITIMACY and stuff...

COME ON, CRZ!!! HAUL ASS OVER TO YOUR OFFICE RIGHT NOW SO YOU CAN PUT UP MY "COLUMN!" YOU OWE ME, MAAAN!!!

Regardless, I've been up all night since I didn't bother waking up 'til the sun was going down anyway so... Metal it is. But first, here's something held over from the intro to an old Metal that I started and never finished:

Hey, look! Usually I'm not one to explicitly acknowledge anyone who e-mails me, as I firmly believe in the cases of most who force their correspondence on us suffering innocents that it's most pathetic crutch ever, but I just want to give big prop-ation to some guy named Jason, who sent me not one, but two JPEGs of Chris Jericho wearing my most favorite and beloved shiny red trousers. Damn, those were some great pants.

I'm all about taking care of business. Speaking of which, I think there's a show over here somewhere that needs attention. Okay? Okay.

WLNY-TV -- New York 55!

One World Leader Attitude is sponsored by the World Wrestling Federation.

WWF Metal -- Welcome to Gangrel's world, where our unseen hosts continue to be KEVIN KELLY and TOM PRITCHARD

Inmediatement we get ESSAY RIOS (the artistic high-flyer) vs. JUST JOE -- Essa shows off his tongue bar. I THINK that's what that was. Joe talks to himself on the way out to the ring, in case we've forgotten that he's JUST JOE. Gosh, he is a lumpy fellow. Bell. Ding. Here comes Joe with a right, right, right, right, oh I should just give up now. I like Joe's "Okee, I'll just lay here 'til you flop on me" move. SELL IT! "Essa Rios continues to improve every week," intones Kelly. "A former Light Heavyweight champion..." The yin, the yang, the Jungian duality of man. Essa Rios, c'est toi. (Yes, I was watching "Full Metal Jacket" on Cinemax last night.) Joe to the top turnbuckle -- Rios dropkicks 'im in the booty! Look out below! WIDE LOAD! "Huracanrana? Have a Corona!" Thank you, Tom Pritchard. Back in, Essa to top turnbuckle, Joe... sits on top of him, I guess, takes a gutshot and just... kind of... flops backward onto the mat. This is sad. Just Joe is one SLUDGY mofo. Regardless, he manages to faceplant Essa for 3. Crowd is not pleased. (4:31)

Our hosts take us straight to JONATHAN COACHMAN. COACH! BIG APPLE! NYC! I fail to take note of his casualwear this week. Quick as a bunny, he informs us that SmackDown! is coming to MSG on 12/5. Tickets go on sale 9/24. You must buy them. And instead of the traditional old-school promo, we get a regular old on-air promo to show us how great SmackDown! is (but please don't mention it's on the UPN network). It is a program which sees men with long flowing blond hair and very large, white teeth wear giant novelty foam cowboy hats. Damn, I'll be first in line on Sunday, baby! And don't forget -- it's the last time you'll see the WWF at MSG in the year 2000! You MUST buy tickets now! DOO EET!

COMING UP -- The war between Triple H and Kurt Angle escalates. Crash takes on Gangrel! And up next, the Rock and Chyna shake up the MTV Video Music Awards. Thrill.

AD BREAK goes here

WWF Metal is brought to you by Burger King, Castrol GTX, and Chef Boyardee! Overstuff yourself with the WWF!

The Rock and Chyna laid the SmackDown! on the MTV Video Music Awards, these clips set out to prove. I believe the VMAs managed to smack themselves down on their own. Let's replay Mick Foley's SMOKIN' pre-show antics, because the VMA pre-show ALWAYS rules. His voiceover of "losers" accompanies b-roll of Britney Spears, while his "bruised egos" matches up with Janet Jackson. That CAN'T be a coincidence. Red carpet footage a go-go! Limp Bizkit's publicist stares off into space! My favorite line comes courtesy of Kelly from Destiny's Child: "We're gonna take [the Rock] and marinate him in Destiny's Childness." Why do I know the names of the DC members that AREN'T Beyonce? Don't ask. The REAL fun is watching all the people in the background that don't know they're on camera. Hi, Edward! Hi, Brian! Augh, please don't show me Jennifer Lopez' outfit AGAIN. It is TRAGIC. Chyna looked tragic too, but it's a different kind of tragic. Wow, that Christina Aguilera is something else, ain't she? Clips eat up a lukewarm (4:34).

COMING UP -- The Undertaker brings the Rock back to earth on Raw. And Kaientai takes on Lo Down!

AD BREAK goes here and I'm so glad Howie D is wearing his hair down again

WWF Maximum Power RC Edge Cola Something Something presents Edge and Christian beating down Los Hardyz after they defeated Los Dudleyz.

LO DOWN (a team in search of respect) vs. KAI EN TAI -- Chaz' ghetto fabulous shirt now has "Destination" added to the front, while the back reads "Greatness." The back of D'Lo's ghetto fabulous shirt reads "Keepin' It Real." Lo Down blusters in and proceeds to pound on Kaientai as is their way. Bell. Ding. We settle in with Chaz and Funaki. Chaz domintates. Funaki flops around. Big surprise. Tag to D'Lo. YEAH, GO FUNAKI! KICK D'LO'S ASS! Oops, spoke too soon. Chaz back in. Boot, boot, boot, boot, augh. Tag to Taka! Time for STOOGE FU! Four men brawl, and Kelly reminds us who the legal men are. CRZ has started a REVOLUTION! Oh well, Lo Down on Taka for 3. (4:44)

COMING UP -- The Gothic One is in action against Crash! And Triple H and Kurt Angle a tag team? Surely you jest!

AD BREAK goes here and The Truth sucks

RC Edge presents Unforgiven. Next Sunday!

Hey, you know something that's really funny? When you go to a website that you might have halfheartedly enjoyed from time to time and you read something like, "So-and-so will be joining us, you might know him from his work on Delphi." *sputter* "WORK" on DELPHI? Is that even POSSIBLE? And here I'd heard that Delphi was a place that was only good for those who clearly have NOTHING more constructive to do with themselves to post obscene messages about me and my personal life as if that's a topic worth even one IOTA of anyone's conjecturing energy to BEGIN with. Wow, LIBEL is SUCH FUN -- especially when you've got AD BANNERS to profit from it!

So what have we learned? Ad banners suck, and Delphi is a delusional fantasyland suitable for only that fraction of the population I call les idiotes. Except for those nTo people -- I hear they do fine work (or "work" as the case may be)

Gosh, it's time for some CLIPS! It's the trials and tribulations of Kurt Angle and Triple H. Gee whiz. Trish should NOT be kicking Kurt with those big boots. And Steph should NOT be in the ring between Test and Albert and should ESPECIALLY not be wearing that ugmo outfit. Smack those bitches up! Meanwhile, on SmackDown!, Steph's hair looks like complete shit, and that dress ain't no picnic neither. Plus Kurt Angle lets tag team partner Triple H get beat down and makes lots of great faces. Kurt Angle is so fabulous. Clips eat up a whopping (8:41)

COMING UP -- Kan and Chris Jericho are just two of the stars gunning for the Great One. And that scamp Crash takes on Gangrel!

AD BREAK goes here

SmackDown your vote! promo

SWEE'PEA HOLLY vs. FLAMIN' GANGREL (with a goblet of some reddish fluid) -- God, it's Battle of the Metal Superstarz tonight. All we need is a run-in from the Bossman to foil his ARCH ENEMY Crash to make MY LIFE COMPLETE. Bell. Ding. Is Crash doing something different with his hair? ELBOW! ELBOW! ELBOW! Oh, I give up. Commentators chatter about Chyna and Eddiey. I really don't need to hear Tom Pritchard discuss stroke mags. Anyway, Crash does something and wins. Yay! (3:12)

COACH! BIG APPLE! NYC! WAZZUP! MSG and SmackDown! on 12/5! BUY TICKETS! BUY BUY BUY BUY Let's talk about WWF New York in the heart of Times Square for a second. Cue stock exterior footage! Just this week, Perry-n-Terri were in the house! As was a basket of bread! Please, you must watch Unforgiven there.

COMING UP -- The Undertaker proves to be a dangerous tag team partner for the Rock.

Answer your craving for excitement (what?) with these three hot new titles from WWF Home Video!

AD BREAK goes here. Some NYPD officers speak foreign languages, which apparently makes them NOT inherently evil

WWF Lugz Boot of the Week goes to Kane chokeslamming the Rock through the announce table... two weeks ago on SmackDown!

CLIPFEST! Fatal four way, zero tolerance, Kane, rabid wolverine, Acolytez, Dudleyz, Undertaker, Rock, table, table, "I'm a cowboy," &c. &c. Maybe all will be explained on Monday. Clips eat up (4:59), I believe.

AD BREAK goes here

WWF Metal is brought to you by M&Ms, SquareSoft, and Wendy's!

Sunday on HeAT -- Lita puts her title on the line in a triple threat match against Jackie and Ivory! And Chyna discusses the status of her relationship with Eddiey Guerrero. It's Ladies Night on HeAT! I suspect both Oxygen AND Lifetime are involved

That does it.

Kim (B)
[slash] wrestling

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