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/30 September 2000

WWF Metal NY by Kim (Bitchfactor)




Does my butt look big in these Metal results?

As sometimes happens when you've got a Gemini moon, I got extra- super distracted last week. When I wasn't "kicking it" with Goldie and Bjork at Spa, I was dealing with massive corporate restructuring at my day job, one friend going through a breakup, another being laid off, another diagnosed with cancer... just your typical two weeks. But oh, how I missed Tom Pritchard and Kevin Kelly. Especially after watching the debut of Heat on MTV, which made the Metal production values look downright sterling.


And now... on with the show! I'm sure it'll "suck."

Our new lead-in is "NYPD Blue." Staggering!

WLNY-TV -- New York 55!

One World Leader Attitude is sponsored by the World Wrestling Federation.

WWF Metal -- where your dark matches are my destiny. Let's take a quick glance at KEVIN KELLY and TOM PRITCHARD as we bring out our first combatants...

PERRY(-N-TERRI) vs. J.J. JONES -- Terri's horrid dress is threatening to, uh, do something. Nice acidwash you got there, Jones! Here comes Saturn with the takedown, right, right, right, right, whip into the ropes, clothesline... I'm bored. It's decent, it's loud, and I don't care. It's short too! Take a wild guess who takes it. (2:04)

Here comes JONATHAN COACHMAN. The faded navy of his WWF polo leads one to believe he is using an off-brand detergent. What's the fallout of Unforgiven? Here's KURT ANGLE to explain it old-school.

KA: At Unforgiven, for the first time in my life, I have never felt so betrayed. Betrayed by a friend, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. The things I did for her, I gave to her so much; I gave her my friendship, my trust, my admiration, and what she did to me at Unforgiven is going to be hard to forgive. I mean, now is a time to start thinking about me and not other people. It's about me, my fourth "I," I, Kurt Angle. And that's what I'm going to do from now on.

Moving, heartfelt, with just the right touch of demonic malice. That's an A+ for my Olympic hero! I think he needs a hug.

AAAAH RAW IS WAR ON TNN promo graphic is going to give me seizures

COMING UP -- Kurt Angle is forced to team up with Chris Benoit. Triple threat tag team action between Kaientai, Too Cool, and Lo Down! And a look back at THE SPEAR!

AD BREAK goes here

Lugz Boot of the Week comes from Unforgiven: Jeff Hardy does something where there's a cage involved and some spinning in the air and whatnot.

Let's take a look back at Edge & Christian vs. Los Hardyz on Raw. This is some bad-ass shit. Lita has abominable posture. Clips eat up (4:05)

COMING UP -- Stone Cold wreaks havoc. And you never know what to expect when Essa Rios is in the house! He's next!

AD BREAK goes here

WWF Metal is brought to you by SquareSoft, Right Guard Extreme Sport, and WWF Shopzone!

ESSAY RIOS (the artistic high-flyer and a controversial, colorful character) vs. MIKE WOMER -- OMG, Womer's trunks are such a bad idea. Ill-fitting barf-tan leopard print... paired up with red and black kneepads... and he's barefoot. Let's not overlook the alleged puka-shell choker. This is a sad state of affairs. He keeps shouting, "Are you ready?" I -- I honestly don't know if I'm ready. AGGGGH! BATCH ALERT! BASKET SHOT! AGAIN! Tell me when it's over. Oh, Essa won? Thank you. (3:02)

COMING UP -- That triple threat tag match. And Stone Cold continues to investigate... HIS WAY! Whoa, he looks like he's totally gonna make out with Foley in that B-roll.

AD BREAK goes here

Did you know that Stone Cold Steve Austin is back? He's back, you know. He also happens to be back with a vengeance. Strobe effect on these clips WILL give me seizures. "I think you know what you know... If I find out that you know... If you know what I think you know..." And a little boy holds up a sign reading "Oh Hell Yeah." Shed a tear. Clips eat up (5:35)

COMING UP -- Angle and Benoit team up... with sexy results! And Just Joe takes on Dean Malenko.

AD BREAK goes here

Stephanie tells us to put on our most unfortunate lipliner and VOTE. Eew, the Kat's eyeshadow is no picnic either. You know something? Stephanie looks like... Shawnee Smith?

Les idiotes... I'm TELLIN' ya!

ACTION MAN: MALENKO! (with two drag-ass skanks) vs. JUST JOE. Oh, this is a DREAM MATCH. Is the Light Heavyweight belt up here? I can't tell. I do know one thing, and that one thing is this: Just Joe is nooo light heavyweight. I call the ho on Dean's right "Lil' Bow Wow." This match is freakin' tepid. If they don't care, why should I? And I still think Malenko's ankles could be snapped like twigs. Basically, what happens is Just Joe is too portly for the first Tejas cloverleaf, but he's "just right" for the next. Get it, MC? AAHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA (3:45)

Coach, where you been? He's back to tell us about how great WWF New York is. It's pretty great and stuff. And, and, and, and you can go there? And you can go there, right? And there's TVs and you can watch them, and the TVs show like wrestling and stuff and it's TOTALLY AWESOME. And there's people drinking BEER. And you never know who will show up at WWF New York just last week Crash was there and Too Cool was there and maybe just maybe Stone Cold will be there and he will drink beer and it will be so awesome. Just you watch, I will be there and I will drink beer with Stone Cold and it will be so awesome just you watch.

COMING UP -- Tag team triple threat &c. And the Rock and the Game set their differences aside so that maybe we can all learn from them.

AD BREAK goes here

PRESTO! brings you No Mercy!

Let's talk about a fatal four-way at Unforgiven. Let's talk about the Rock and Benoit at Raw. Let's have a look at SmackDown! Oh no, Triple H. Oooh, Kurt Angle, you di'int! Is Stephanie in maternity wear? Wow, Kurt Angle is so cool. Clips eat up (6:09) COMING UP -- Lo Down is headed toward the ring... they're up NEXT!

AD BREAK goes here

GHETTO FABULOUS LO DOWN (a team in search of respect and already in ring) vs. KAI EN TAI (already in ring) vs. TOO COOL (with new music accompanying them to ring) in a triple threat match -- Aww, new music for Too Cool? I miss the West Coast flow!

Let's take a quick break to note that WWF Metal is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, Chyna Fitness (more than meets the eye), and Castrol GTX!

Here comes the hot, steamy triple-threat action. Aw, fuck me, I've got a real job. It's pretty dull and I'm doing you a favor. Worm on Taka and Too Cool takes it, just so we can hear their new music AGAIN so that we may be TRAINED to remember and react to it in the future (5:45)

Too Cool dances us to the copyright notice and we're out.

Wow, Metal is now followed by WCW Worldwide. And I'll still stop my VCR at midnight!

I may or may not be around this coming weekend as I've got a big foxy double-shot of Saint Etienne to contend with. Either way you lose, right?

Kim (B)
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission