It's rated TV-PG-V and it's got kooky credits! It's Metal! It's Metal! It's the weekend of 14.4.1 and time for another episode of WWF Metal! We are coming to you from the Fleet Center in Boston (taped 9.4) and let's waste no time...

DEAN MALENKO & SUPERSTAR PERRY SATURN (with Nipples) v. LO-KI & ALEX ARION (already in the ring) - the entrance video now only lists three names - Benoit has been removed. Does that now make them the R3dicalz? Your hosts are KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY & DR. TOM PRICHARD, and that's probably all I'll have to say about them. The attack on Lita is TOO GRAPHIC FOR METAL, so they'll have to find something else to talk about during the match (unless they...talk about the match?) Lo-ki (an upper echelon jobber) starts with Malenko - feeling out process, waistlock to a full nelson by Malenko, reversal but Malenko hits a hammerlock, snapmares him over, Lo-ki to a hammerlock of his own - both men up, fireman's carry takeover by Malenko, trying an armbar but Lo-ki nips up and escapes. Too bad he runs RIGHT into a drop toehold. Gutshot by Malenko, another snapmare attempt but Lo-ki lands on his feet. Kelly putting over Lo-ki's match with Rios a few weeks back. Lo-ki into the ropes, up and over, hiptoss blocked, backslide countered by Malenko, and pulls him into a short clothesline. That's enough mat stuff - tag to Saturn. Lo-ki eats a clothesline, Arion gets a free shot - this brings him in, but while referee "Blind" Jack Doan is distracted, we don't get any shenanigans. Lo-ki avoids a powerbomb and hits a jawbreaker. Off the ropes, flying headscissors - handspring dropkick (!) and he tags Arion - up top - missile dropkick to the head, but Saturn lands in his corner and tags in Malenko. Malenko runs into a hiptoss from Arion - tag to Lo-ki...whip into the corner, Lo-ki tries a handspring elbow, but Malenko catches him...there's a death suplex. Stomp, tossed through the ropes, chatting with Doan while Saturn rams Lo-ki's back into the STEEL steps...then tosses him back in for Malenko. High vertical suplex - almost a delayed brainbuster - 1, 2, Lo-ki kicks out. Whipped into the corner, sat up top - forearm in the small of the back - climbing up for a belly-to-back superplex but Lo-ki elbows him off - another elbow puts Malenko back in the centre. HUGE plancha lands but both men are hurt. Tag to Saturn, Lo-ki reaching..but Saturn grabs a leg to stop him. Enzuigiri by Lo-ki! HOT TAG TO ARION! I guess. Ducks a clothesline, left, left, right, into the ropes, NICE dropkick, whip into the corner is reversed but Arion gets the boots up - second rope - oh no, caught...signalling to Lo-ki, though, who comes in and dropkicks his partner, completing the crossbody...but he can't follow up. Malenko, meanwhile, comes in and puts Lo-ki out with a forearm in the back of the head. Steinerline for Arion. It's all over - there's the three-handled, moss-covered family gredunza and NOBODY gets up from that (on Metal). 1, 2, 3. (3:50) I have no idea what Terri was doing out there - oh, wait, she's Saturn's squeeze, right? Eh.

If you're watching Metal on KICU in San Jose, you'll see JONATHAN COACHMAN hype the upcoming RAW is WAR at the Compaq Center - tickets are on sale *today!* Here's a "sneak peak" - aka, "no old school interview for you to transcribe THIS week because this is a Very Special Look at "Behind the Scenes" RAW Stuff and Also A Ticketmaster Graphic

Still to come, a new intercontinental champion! What were the words Vince didn't want to hear? And next, Haku will fight!

WWF Shop Zone dot com "Divas" ad - and lots of Paul E. (and none of the old guy)

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Rhyno gores Crash...but not Molly, since Hardcore saves her

HEAD SHRINKER HAKU v. DUKE DALTON (already in the ring) - Lockup, gutshot by Haku, kick, kick, wwf.com logo, kick, overhand forearm. Chop, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, but Haku powerslams Dalton. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, whip into the corner, back elbow puts Dalton on the apron...he rolls out - Haku follows. Chop! Legs spread - stomp in the abdomen. Got him scooped up - back into the post - and once again. Dalton's feeling it. Dalton's back is shoved into the apron. Crowd is chanting..."Let's go Dalton?" I don't know. Back in the ring. Knife-edge chop in the corner. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Dalton - Dalton off the ropes, going up, going behind, gutshot, right, right, right, right, but Haku just puts him in the corner and lays in with the hundred hands. Whip into the opposite corner, reversed, Haku holds on to re-reverse it - into the corner...Tongan Death Grip applied as he comes out! Dalton fades fast - to the canvas - 1, 2, 3. (2:28)

Still to come, K-Kwik will be in the house - up next, "a special treat - some hard hitting XFL action!" Uh huh.

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Metal is brought to you by M&M's, FRAM!, and the JVC Giga-tube!

The XFL Playoffs are here - get involved by voting online for the "Lugz Hit of the Year!" Ray Austin, Shante Carver, Shante Carver (again), Jamie Baisley, Corey Ivy are nominated. "Finish of the Year" nominees are LA vs. SF (week 1), Chicago vs. LA (week 2), Las Vegas vs. Chicago (week 5), Chicago vs. Memphis (week 6), and Memphis vs. NY (week 7). If you care about ANY of this, you should probably seek out an XFL report instead of reading this one. Anywho, the Mililon Dollar Game is NEXT Saturday on NBC!

Still to come, Austin did some bad, bad things - and things are what K-Kwik will be moving - NEXT!

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The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily! From Heat, Lita gets crotched by Buh Buh Ray, the Hardyz and Dudleyz brawl on the outside, Lita moonsaults Spike...and wins!

K-KWIK (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. JOHNNY SWINGER (already in the ring) - no chyron luv for the King of Swing - lockup, side headlock by Swinger, powered out, shoulderblock by Swinger. UP and over, leapfrog by Kwik - sitout hiptoss, armdrag takeover, dropkick and Swinger takes a powder. Back in - running into a drop toehold - arm drag to an armbar...Swinger back to his feet - elbow, elbow, pulls out of the hold, Kwik into the corner but goes up and over as Swinger charges in - superfluous backflip from the Kharismatic one - side kick ducked...clothesline NOT ducked. 1, 2, Swinger kicks out. into the ropes, Swinger slides under, gutshot, "Swing Time" (sitout swinging neckbreaker) but he can't follow up. After a rest, Swinger is back on him - Kwik's head meets the buckle. Swinger with a right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, running clothesline, snapmares him over, knee between the shoulderblades....oops, spending too much time talking to the crowd...or to Prichard? In the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck. Swinger leaves him to pull himself up and roll onto the top turnbuckle - missile dropkick lands! Both men are down and referee "Blind" Mike Sparks puts in the count. Both men up at 3 - Kwik with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, he's dancing, right, pulls him back up, into the ropes is reversed...Kwik with a flying headscissors - off the ropes with a flying jalapeno - 1, 2, no. Scoop - no, Swinger out - gutshot, going for the neckbreaker, Kwik rolls through, gutshot, Hat Rack Crack, g'night. 1, 2, 3. (3:23)

Later on, Steve Blackman & Grand Master Sexay take on Kaientai! But coming up next, "highlights" from RAW!

"WrestleMania: The Official Insider's Story" book & DVD ad

Let Us Take You Back to RAW and the Saga of Linda and Vince

Still to come, the aforementioned tag team match - but up next, Jeff Hardy has quite a SmackDown!

XFL hype - or critic-bashing - or both

Castrol GTX wants you to know that WWF Backlash will DRIVE HARD in two weeks!

Let Us Take You Back to RAW, where Lita told Linda she was "inspiring" - unfortunately, she forgot to walk away when Vince entered the frame.

Later that night, Lita joined the Hardy Boyz to take on Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Here's a bit of what took place then. This is Metal, so the post-match attack on Lita "can't even be shown," but we DID get to see Matt Hardy get the business end of that chair...

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Jeff got some revenge in the opening segment...and a shiny new belt in the closing one.

The Coach hypes the 21 May RAW at the Compaq Center one more time - did you know it's the #1 show on cable? Here's the very same (cough cough) don't tell anybody "sneak peak" we got in the first local segment.

Coming up next, a tag team match!

The WWF Fanatic Series presents Kurt Angle: It's True, It's True during the month of April! ONLY $9.95!

WWF Metal is ALSO brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily, Foot Locker, and WWF: The Music (Volume 5 - buy it at Walgreens!)

GRAND MASTER SEXAY & MR. PARTY TIME (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. KAI EN TAI - Kai: "HA! What you say your name is? TOOOO SEXAY? HA! How 'bout you, flat-top? What is your name? TOO BORING? HA HA HA HA HA! Well together I have name for your new tag team - it is TOO STUPID AND WE ARE EEEEEEEEEEEEVIL HA HA HA." Tai: "Innn-DEEEEEEEEED." Call me crazy, but I think this pre-match will take longer than the match, which won't take as long as the post-match dancing. Michinoku starts with Sexay, lockup, side headlock by Sexay, powered out, shoulderblock (I feel like I'm watching WOW again), Sexay busts a move, off the ropes, leapfrog by Taka, kick caught by Taka, enzuigiri by Sexay. Right hand, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up by Sexay puts Taka down. Second rope, wiggity wiggity, dropkick finds the mark. Tag to Blackman - Taka says he's had enough and tags in Funaki. Funaki asks Blackman to hold on while he performs his version of the crane - Blackman stoically regards this, then throws a right to knock him out. Funaki out...Blackman out and the chas is on - back in - Funaki ducks a clothesline but Blackman's tilt-a-whirl flapjack lands. Funaki runs to the wrong corner..free shot from Sexay, chop by Blackman, head to the buckle - duh, that's HIS corner, so he gets to tag out. Blackman seemed to have that in mind - clothesline is ducked, Taka kicks the back of the leg - Blackman returns the favour, only with more impact. Taka with another kick, Blackman again. Kelly proclaims it "muy thai" - I proclaim that call "muy creative." Taka decides to put some spit in his hands and psych himself up - BIG kick to the back of the leg, Blackman says "no sale" and kicks three times, taking Taka off his feet. Into the ropes, missile shoulderblock! A couple of one-handed pushups - methinks Blackman is just showing off now...or trying out for "Miss Fitness" Whip is reversed and Funaki puts a knee in the back - Blackman turns around and clocks him. Blackman outside, Funaki's head to the apron - but Taka lands a picture-perfect pescado! Blackman rolled back in - tag to Funaki, shot by Taka, another right, into the ropes...the lights go COMPLETELY out (unplanned) - Blackman ducks the double clothesline and hits one of his own as the lights come back on - tag to Sexay! Right for Taka, right for Funaki, scoop slam here, scoop slam there, clothesline for Taka...Funaki tries to sneak in a huracanrana but Sexay blocks it and powerbombs him down instead. Cover - 1, 2, Taka breaks it up. Overhand right by Taka, kick, both men put Sexay into the ropes, double backdrop blocked into a double DDT - cover - Taka breaks it up again. Blackman comes in without a tag - superkick for Taka. Front suplex for Funaki...Sexay is up top and the goggles are on - Hip Hop Drop! 1, 2, 3! (3:28) Sexay retrieves his magic sunglasses as a graphic informs me that the Warriors Roundtable is up next on channel 36. Blackman seems a little less reluctant to dance this week...but he still won't participate in the "American Males" clap. Blackman does that "point to the other guy" move REALLY well. WHOA - MOONWALK! ROB VAN DAM KICK!

Albert is your special guest host for Heat. His good friend X-Pac takes on D-Von Dudley then - Triple H and Stephanie will have something to say about losing the intercontinental championship as well. Heat airs at 7/6 central on MTV!

RAW will see a return match - Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H - and you KNOW it'll be LIVE!

That's it - credits are up and I'm gone. SEE YA!