The first thing I noticed was a good set - apart from the ring, which was on a stand, with very little space on the outside - assuring us that there will be no out-of-ring springboard manoeuvres. Oh well.

Ring announcer Dave Penzer is out, and tells us all that we couldn't make a better start then to introduce the NITRO GIRLS. They dance. Well, so far, so good. A special bonus ticket will win a prize, a parcel full of WCW goodies! That goes to row A, seat 6. A dark haired woman wins it, and meets the Nitro Girls. Dave Penzer tells us that "there will be more goodie parcels handed out later in the show, so you could still win."

Hardcore match - SCREAMING NORMAN SMILEY VS BRIAN KNOBBS. The place went nuts when Norman appeared from the entrance, in hockey gear. BIG WIGGLE in the ring gets heat! Huh... THE SOUND HAS SCREWED UP! "Come on and get your ass out here Knobbs, I'm gonna kick it!" A minute later, Nobb's music fires up, followed by the man himself. Two drunk fans start a "YOU FAT BASTARD!" chant. That surprised me. I bet he didn't expect that. "If you stupid idiots would stop shouting 'you fat bastard', then I can punch you DEEP DOWN YOUR STINKIN' THROATS". That got big heat. A cart full of weapons is in the aisle, Knobbs begins throwing it into the ring. "Norman" chant. Oh my god - WE'RE GETTING HEAT! Norman gets hit with several trashcans. And a broom to the back snaps. Norman dumps Knobbs' head into a trashcan, and hits it with the hockey stick. Norman hits the WEAKEST CHAIR SHOT THIS SIDE OF THE MILLENIUM. As predicted, Norman comes back, setting up A TABLE in the corner, whipping Knobbs into it. 1, 2, 3. Not too bad. Knobbs claimed he wouldn't leave us until people stopped chanting "you fat bastard", but a referee clocked him in the aisle which sent him packing.

THE WALL VS DAVID FLAIR (w/Daphne). David Flair gets dominated early on. Daphne distracts, enabling Dave to hook Wall's balls with the crowbar, resulting in big cheers. The Wall with a CHOKESLAM! 1, 2, 3. One word: poor.

MRS HANDCOCK is out dancing in the aisle, then BIG VITO and THE HARRIS BROTHERS take her backstage. Can you tell me what was supposed to happen right there?

OOH SHIT HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN VS FIT FINLAY. The first two minutes of the match involved three painful "USA!" chants which the crowd seemed to love. I say get on with the damn match. Finlay grabs the mic half way through the match: "What is wrong with you people, he is from the USA - but I am here in my home country." He waits for the boo's, instead he gets CHEERS. Ho ho! Fit Finlay gets warned as using that chair - but it's okay for Duggan to clock him with the 2x4. 1, 2, 3. WHAT A COMPLETE JOKE.

BRET HITMAN HART comes down to huge cheers. He tells the fans how appreciative he is of the UK fans, and that no injury will keep him away from this country. Unless he has to loose a title like at Summerslam '92. At which point, someone shouted "BRET SCREWED BRET!".

DUSTIN RHODES VS TERRY FUNK. Funk calls Rhodes an "EEEEEEEG SUCKING DAAAWG", and also an "EEEEEEEEG SUCKING CHICKEN". This was a better match. Rhodes manages a suplex and the Shattered Dreams. Funk did little else but punch away. Rhodes says "fuck you" to the referee. Considering half the audience here were children, this was highly irrelevant. Rhodes hits a bulldog and gets the three. A beatdown ensues, as Funk comes up with the ingenious idea of clocking Rhodes over the head with a chicken. God knows how this PATHETIC angle made it across the pond.

THE NARCISSIST (w/Elizabeth) & RIC FLAIR VS CURT HENNIG & VAMPIRO. Can you believe it? We were standing up 5 WHOLE FREAKING MINUTES OF MUSIC for Lex Luger to come out. Holy shit! How lame is that? Vampiro gets the biggest pop of the night. This was an average bout, with Vampiro and Hennig doing most of the work. Of course, this being an English show, none showed their real talents, they were more interested in working up the crowd. BUFF BAGWELL comes out as Elizabeth Hennig hit a hennig-plex for the three count on Flair.

The NITRO GIRLS are out again. Shame they weren't on for longer. SCREAMING NORMAN SMILEY is out, and big wiggles with the girls, takin' them up the poop chute. And... Yeugh... Dave Penzer. Huh, where is the second goodie parcel they promised?

BOOKER T VS JEFF JARRETT. Jeff Jarrett comes out with a metal guitar. Bah, guess it won't get broken. He tells us that he is staring at the biggest binch of Slapnutz he'd ever seen. He also STARTED RIGHT AT MY MIDDLE FINGER. Booker T gets a big pop. This was the best match of the night, no doubt about it. There were a few top rope moves, Booker hit a few decent dropkicks. There was even a suplex in the middle of it. Sadly, Jeff Jarrett gets disqualified for using a chair. Bah. After the match, Jarrett grabs his guitar, and ventures to top rope. Booker T blocks it and uranage suplexes Jarrett for a big pop. (So did he win the United States Heavyweight title? - CRZ)

MICHAEL BUFFER is out, which suggests the next match will be the main event. I expected Sid or Sting to come out - instead we get...

THE MARMALADES VS THE HARRIS BROTHERS. Whaa? The FRIGGING MAIN EVENT? Bwahahahahahahahah! Marmalukes have a go at Buffer, announcing that they are not the Marmalukes, but in fact THE PHYTHONS. There were some decent moves in this match, on the Marmadukes behalf. There was quite a lot of swearing involved, but they can't mute it out! One of the Harris Brothers went to execute a top rope move - GET THIS - HE SLIPPED OFF THE TOP! Bwahahahaha. Marmadukes win it with a double teaming slam of some sort for the 1, 2, 3.

One question, what the hell happened to Sting and Sid? Goldberg is sidelined for the hand injury, but you can't help feel sorry for the kiddies who wanted to see their favourites. I would say I would have gone home extremely disappointed after expecting Sting to blow the house down.

And what the hell happened to the second goodie bag they promised?

For the experience, I'd give it a four out of five. As a wrestling show, it gets a low two - it sucked. Very little wrestling involved and too much messing about.

See you each week for my Metal report!

Kirk Wagstaff
[slash] wrestling