Nassau Colesium
Uniondale, NY

Please don't tell anyone that I moved to New York City for the wrestling.

Quick quiz: Who's the most over on Long Island? Rocky? Austin? Foley?

No! The Mets and the Yankees, of course! No one seemed to mind the otherwise interminable breaks between matches, as the crowd amused themselves with endless duels of "Let's Go Yankees!" and "Let's Go Mets!" Bad month to be a relocated Braves fan.

But I'm a dutiful Internet mark, and I've got a taping to spoil:

Dark matches:

Jaqueline and the Haas Brothers beat the Dupps and Lady Ophelia (at least I think that was how she was announced, I do believe she's formerly known as Mona) when Jaqueline pinned Lady Ophelia.

K-Krush (is this the dude from Battledome?) pinned Joey Abs with a modified dominator. K-Krush rapped his way to the ring, because after all, it's still 1993. This gimmick won him few fans in Long Island.

Coachman and Micheal Hayes come out, and we have matches for Heat:

William Regal comes out to cut his "goodwill ambassador" promo, and issue an open challenge, which was answered by Blackman. The ref stopped Blackman from using his hardcore implements, but Regal got the DQ loss for using his title belt. After the match, Blackman went to town with his sticks.

The Hardys and Lita beat T&A and Trish. I'm sure this was a fine match, but I'll have to catch it for the first time on TV, since Trish's ass found its way into my line of sight for the duration of this one. The finish saw Crash run in and nail Albert with a trashcan lid, allowing Matt to get the pin. I won't remember why Crash would run in on T&A until later.

Eddy Guerrero comes out for a promo. He runs down Chyna for not being able to stay away from him, then calls for a ref and an impromptu match. He gets the ref, but instead of Chyna gets The Kat dressed like her. Eddy demonstrates his charisma by kissing The Kat, who seemed quite pleased.

Out comes Lawler to his music (but only after his wife was clear of the ramp), followed by Cole. Time to change the ropes, listen to Lilian's personal intrepretation of our national anthem, and hear Tony Chimel shill some new books. As we're asked to go nuts for the cameras and make it look like we're glad to be here, I spot an awesome sign: "I'll Buy WCW"

SmackDown! opening, and Austin draws the first interview segment (which was blissfully short). He wants to "clear up some misunderstanding" regarding his intentions towards running down Rikishi last Sunday. You see, we're to believe that he "offered him a ride to the parking lot in the back of his truck" when he noticed that he "seems to have fallen and couldn't get up." He wasn't trying to run him over "like a big fatassed speedbump," because he's not the kind of person "to hold a grudge against another human being." Austin goes on to assert that Sunday's events were an accident, and his truck shot out of gear and went forward. The charges were reduced to littering, because he "dumped 425 lbs of crap in the middle of Albany, NY." He promised Foley not to attack Rikishi unless provoked, and hyped a steel cage match this Monday on RAW.

Backstage, Too Cool confronts Rikishi, and urges him not to provoke Austin. Rikishi isn't receptive to this friendly suggestion, and shoves them off.

Tag Title match: Hardys (w/ Lita and an extensive recap of the entire Conquistadores angle) vs. Dudleys. Typical match, ending had D-Von looking for some tables, only to find Edge wielding a chair. Ref calls for a no contest, chairshots all around.

Backstage, Kurt whines about having to defend the title to Lilian. Kurt and Steph walk off, and Benoit and Malenko walk in, and do what we've all wanted to do for a long time: bitch Lilian out for her *miserable* work as a ring announcer, specifically calling him Chris Jericho when he won on RAW. Benoit orders her to announce their match later against HHH and Road Dogg, and get their names right when they win.

All five RTCers decide the opening promo wasn't nearly long enough, and Steven gives us a bit of his usual bit. Ivory takes over and focuses on the degradation of women, and takes Rock to task for all his hi-hilarious "pie" innuendo. Rock comes out, and wonders aloud if Ivory likes pie. Big crowd reaction to this, of course, and Val Venis accuses the Rock of making us all have sick minds. We agree, and seem pleased about it. Val's pining for a fight, but it doesn't matter what he'd like to do next. Chyna joins the party, also to suggest that Ivory likes pie. "She's a lesbo!" Next comes Mr. Ass, pie in hand, munching away. He likes it, and lets us know. Rock insists that his pie remarks aren't intended to degrade; after all, some of the best pie he's had has been right here in Long Island. Stevie threatens a fight, Rock offers himself, Gunn, and Chyna take all. Sounds good. But hey... last week, wasn't Rock... nah!

Backstage, Foley books Rikishi vs. Too Cool in a handicap match. Rikishi vows to get Austin afterwards.

Lilian takes over ring announcing, and I cry quietly to myself. It's Benoit/Malenko vs. HHH/Road Dogg. Saturn runs in, punks Road Dogg, who then taps to the cloverleaf. Lilian successfully calls the winners. She's shown such improvement!

Again backstage, Steph and Kurt lament the injustice of frequent title defenses. Steph pumps Kurt's ego, reminding him of his history of overcoming adversity.

T&A continue their APA occupation. Crash demands his rightful duties back, and wants a match to get them. "Now I remember," I say to myself.

Kurt Angle and Stephanie are out, and Angle names his "suitable opponent"... wait for it... the Brooklyn Brawler. But Foley's out to offer a geography refesher, and since Brooklyn is a good half hour west of Uniondale in good traffic, Chris Jericho will be the challenger tonight. Woo-hoo! Really pretty good TV match here, Steph breaks up the Lionsault for an Angle two count, and Y2J's Walls of Jericho is broken up by the inevitable Kane run-in. Cowardly heel champion retreats, light the ringposts, continue the coffee-based feud.

Hardcore rules match, Albert (with Trish) vs. Crash. Funny spot had Crash break a long stick over Albert's back into two, then Crash failed at the Blackman trademark stickwork. Albert ducked the extinguisher spot behind the steel steps, and as the smoke cleared, finished him with his modified brainbuster thing which I'm sure has a name.

Rocky volunteers for Make-A-Wish, Coach facilitates Rikishi's promo, and the Rock is making his way to the ring.

Also, you may be aware the the WWF has programming available on weekend mornings on TNN that you should be watching.

The four RTC men get squashed by the Chyna/Gunn/Rock trio. There was a huge fight behind me for most of this match (I think it was a shoot!) so I didn't see too much. Ending had Bull tap to Rock's sharpshooter.

Raven (with Tazz) beat Al Snow. Tazz joined the commentary team, and Snow broke up Tazz's attack on Lawler. But as Snow got back into the ring, he walked right into the DDT for the pin. Post-match 2-on-1 was evened up by Lawler, who got the better of Raven and Tazz in the end.

Jericho's on MTV.

Rikishi squashed Too Cool. He got up before Scotty could finish worming, which led to the fatassed splash for the pin. Grandmaster gets one, too. Rikishi then calls out Austin, who is watching in the back. As he heads out his door, he gets punked out by an unseen accomplice, which bloodies him up pretty well. Rikishi continues taunting until Austin's music hits, then Rikishi heads up the aisle and into the back, and emerges again brawling with Austin. Stunner is blocked, fatassed splash, Austin laid out, fade out.

After the cameras stopped rolling, Austin eventually made his way to his feet, and Grandmaster Sexay ate a stunner for his trouble. Scotty talked his way out of one of his own. Up the ramp, and good night.

Once again, the WWF puts on a fantastic show live. The crowd was hot all night, even if most of them were pretending to be at Shea during the commercial breaks. I'm not one to judge crowd reactions, but Austin clearly had the biggest of the night, followed by Rock and Jericho. Rikishi was met with remarkable indifference.

Thanks for all your work, your stuff makes sitting through work bearable.

Scott Jennings