|WWA in Dublin||
|Guest columnist: Rob Davitt|
The World Wrestling All-Stars came to Dublin, Ireland and I went to the show!
The Hilarious Anecdote-Riddled Trip To The Arena
We all met at my friend Will's house and then got a taxi there. It took about 20 minutes.
We Were Arrived
The show started a little late because most of the crowd didn't arrive until the scheduled start time of 7:30p.m. The WWA brought a video screen that said "WWA - The Inception" and stole some Smackdown ring ropes for the occasion. The presentation of the show was far better than I expected and the crowd was HOT and sold-out since this was the first anyway-big wrestling event in Dublin for about 10 years. The crowd was mostly kids and their parents so I felt like a big loser who likes watching sweaty men hug each other. Our seats weren't THAT close to the ring so my dreams of saying things such as "What terrible workrate. You can kiss your job away Mr. David Heath or should I say Gangrel" and them being AUDIBLE by wrestlers were shattered.
Jeremy Borash has dyed blonde hair and is a dork. This didn't stop him from coming into the ring to introduce the show after the "pyro" display (someone farted onto a lit match). He just ran through people who were going to be there that night, like Road Dogg and Jeff Jarrett and so on and then said there was also going to be a certain someone from CALGARY, ALBERTA, CANADA. "OMG Lance Storm has put his torrid few months in the Alliance behind him and found new employment", I thought but NO he meant Useless Old Bret Hart. Borash then introduced K-DAWG ruff ruff ruff yes this rules. The two of them were set to do commentary throughout the night over the PA.
Juventud Guerrera vs. Psicosis was the first match. Juvy came out and not many people recognized him but *I* did. This was to become a theme. Anyway, he did his Juice shtick which was quite craptacular until he said "Fiiiinalleee the HOOS ah cohm bah to DUBLEEEEN". Awesome no? Right. I shouted to my friends that I wished his opponent would be Psicosis but NOPE his opponent was in fact Fat Psicosis Mit Short Hair. What a let down. What a fatty. They did a bit of twirly wrestling and then Psicosis flipped off the crowd so we all knew to boo him. Tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Juvy I'm in workrate heaven. This match is for the WWA International Cruiserweight Championship by the way, with Juvy defending. Juvy hit a plancha and they both stumbled around the outside like they were on DRUGS or something. Surely not! Back in the ring the two swapped tilt-a-whirl slam attempts and Juvy hit the Juvy Driver for the win out of nowhere. This match was not good at all and short. Much like Crash Holly. Hilarity ensued when Juvy got up on the turnbuckle with his belt and went to flip it over his shoulder a la The Rock but it flew out of his hands and onto the ground. Oh Juventud what is to be done with you, you drugged up burned out failure! ahaha!
Useless Old Bret Hart came out next and POP went the weasels. He is the commissioner of the WWA. He went on about how in the WWF no one could beat him. Not Steve Austin, not Chris Benoit (yes really), not even that piece of shit Vince McMahon. Okay that bit was kind of awesome. The guy with the VINCE FUCKS GOATS sign enjoyed it particularly. What an exceptionally rude sign! Anyway now he's in the WWA and this promo has no real point other than for him to pretend he loves Ireland so people will cheer him and he can get a boner or whatever. Borash then got back in the ring since he is acting as the ring announcer as well and announced the next match.
Next up was Gangrel vs. Luna in a Black Wedding Match oh my oh my. Gangrel did his spitting blood thing. Borash informed that Gangrel really didn't want to wrestle his wife. Then Gangrel was seen shaking his head in the ring. Well I'm convinced. Tremendous story-telling. They brawled all over the arena and Gangrel was like "but I don't WANT to punch you my darling" while Luna was like "It's FAKE punching silly! P.S. I am even more horrendously ugly in person". Luna smashed a wedding cake into Gangrel's face when they got back to ringside. Gracious this was awful. They got back in the ring and Luna for no real reason offered Gangrel his CHALICE as a peace offering, only to hit him with a low blow when he accepted! He got mad and hit her with his DDT for the win. What a story. When is the movie of this match coming because I'm so there.
At this early stage I was parched and in need of food also so I went to get some chicken nuggets (6 of them, decent flavour, poor coating, **1/4, 2:56). I could still hear what was going on in the ring though. Buff Bagwell came out and the crowd were all YAYBOO. He cut a babyface promo asking the crowd if they wanted to be on camera when suddenly Harlem Heat music started up. They didn't let food or drink in the arena for some reason so I started eating my nuggets furiously and there was Pepsi coming out of my nose! Stevie Ray cut a wicked heel promo on Bagwell. "I hate YOU [points at Bagwell] and I hate YOU TOO [points at crowd]". Hahaha U2 geddit. My pal Mike didn't. What a dumbass. Old Useless Bret Hart then came out and set up a match between the two. That's right. He set up possibly the worst match imaginable in the entire world. The Best There Ever Will Be.
Norman Smiley vs. Crowbar was announced as a Hardcore Tables Match. Konnan was AWFUL as the colour commentator. This was probably the best match of the night, which isn't saying much but whatever. Crowbar (real name Devon Storm) was particular impressive with very many flippy moves and high impactery. Smiley's screaming echoed through the whole arena and was truly captivating. Garbage cans and chairs came into play before the crowd's craving for TABLES was satisfied. Norman had an innovative spot where he picked up the chair and then scooped Crowbar while holding the chair to Crowbar's back, then slammed him onto it. Smiley locked on the Norman Conquest but Crowbar countered out and went for a powerbomb through the table. Norman screamed then countered out of the powerbomb and slammed Crowbar through the table and (much like HWA) picked up the 3 Count. Table spots really aren't that much more impressive live in person, but this match had a lot of good things in it and was nice and long. What was to follow blew it right out of the water and into the Trish stratosphere, though.
The Disco Inferno came out and got on the mic. He wanted to know why all Irish people were so fat and ugly. "What is it, the RAIN? The POTATOES?" hahaha we do eat a lot of them except in times of famine! Anyway he did some awesome Stayin' Alive dancing but the crowd booed him and he became flustered.
"How dare you not cheer for the dancing of the Disco Inferno! Play my music again!"
[BANGIN IT BANGIN IT BANGIN IT]
[TURN IT UP]
GRANDMASTER SEXAY IS DANCING DOWN THE AISLE.
This was just about the best thing I've ever witnessed in my by God life. Biggest pop of the night. DANCING. Sexay gets to the ring and they both DANCE. Sexay getting cheered and Disco booed. Disco tries again and still gets booed. Then Sexay gets the ref to dance to prove that even HE is more popular than Disco and he IS. Sexay dances some more. Is this really happening. Hold the phone Macarone. The match starts but who cares. This transcends transcendence. Sexay has the upper hand and Disco bails so Sexay DANCES until his pants fall down oh how droll. Disco gets back in and starts to dominate. Sexay's down in the middle of the ring with Disco standing over him. Borash: "He's going for the Village People's Elbow". ONE. MAN. GANG. Disco makes YMCA with his arms and then drops the elbow. Best move ever. Sexay made the comeback with his bulldog and then procured his sunglasses and hit the Hip Hop Drop to end the awesome. Wait no it still continued, as Konnan and Borash entered the ring and yes you guessed it DANCED along with Sexay and the ref Slick Johnson. Disco attempted to break it up but got beaten down.
We went to get beer but the queue was long and the tipple expensive and watered down so we didn't. Then Janey and I went birdwatching. We saw a grackle.
Disco Inferno came out after the break to replace Konnan on commentary thank goodness. Konnan barely said three words the whole night. Borash was also horrible as he attempted to become the world's most generic commentator.
Konnan came out anyway though right after. Nobody knows who he is. This crowd sorta sucks.
Konnan: "OH LA LAY"
Me: "OH LA LAY"
Rest of my section: "....." [look at me puzzled]
Konnan "ARRIBA LA RAZA"
Me: "ARRIBA LA RAZA"
Rest of my section: "....." [look at me puzzled]
Konnan: "WE BE BOUT IT BOUT IT"
Me: "...." [reddens, sits]
8 Year old boy in my section: "Dad where's LITA?"
Konnan and "Front Row" Nathan Jones vs. The West Hollywood Blondes was the only tag match of the night. Lenny and Lodi brought signs with them. EVERYTHING IRISH SUCKS being the pick of an unfunny bunch. Nathan Jones was this HOSS that they found in Australia or something. He was about 6'10'' and looked a lot like Goldberg. He sucked. Punch Punch BIG BOOT CHOKESLAM. Konnan was very fat not to mention awful and out of sync. The Blondes saved this match with their hilarious homosexual shenanigans, such as assuming the doggystyle position after both being knocked down. Hahaha what gays. Jones won by choke slamming one of them for the pin. I sorta gave that away earlier in this paragraph huh.
Buff Bagwell vs. Stevie Ray S-U-C-K-E-D. I mean I was expecting a pile of turd but oh my this was a veritable LANDFILL of excrement. Chinlocks here there and everywhere. Stevie Ray won with the Slapjack but then the referee reversed the decision after Borash informed him that Stevie used an illegal object. Then Buff hit a HORRIBLE HORRENDOUS OH OH I AM RIPPING AND CLAWING AT MY EYES Blockbuster to win.
Jeff Jarrett (c) vs. Road Dogg for the WWA World Title was the night's main event, with the winner to be entered into the Vengeance PPV at some stage I presume to avoid disputes. They both got pyro and wow Road Dogg's was loud whereas Jeff's was flamy and weird. Jarrett got on the mic and said "Slapnuts" and other assorted awesome. Road Dogg came out next to a good reaction and did his Outlaws stuff, cleverly changing some of the words along the way. Disco is a good colour commentator. I don't remember anything particularly great that he said, but I do remember that he was good and much better than Konnan. This match was good but not great as, like pretty much everyone tonight, neither put any great effort into things. Haha Road Dogg dogging it. Both hit their trademark spots and then Jeff got his guitar and after a ref bump hits Road Dogg with it to retain.
Jeremy Borash was still a dork at the end of the night as he wished us well and said that the response of the crowd and the sell-out and so on was SO impressive that they were coming back in May. "And when we do come back, three words.....PAY PER VIEW." Ssssshyeah right. Three words for YOU, Borash. YOU ARE LYING. Hahaha three more words ROB IS FINISHED.
These Thoughts They Are For Reading
This was an entertaining and memorable show for me since it was my first one ever. The majority of the wrestling was poor with no real effort put into it. But STILL famous wrestlers came to my little country and some of them even danced so I can hardly complain. I might go again in May if this PPV (haw haw) actually happens. Have a lovely Christmas my dear.