We open with the Kid Rock "Desire" video that everyone's talking about. No nWo graffiti this time.

The Fink comes out, pimps MTV's HeAT, and lets us know just when these matches are going to be aired. Thanks, Howard, but I think I can figure the rest of it out when the ticket says "WWF SMACKDOWN" on it.

The styling HeAT graphics come on, and our first HeAT match is SHO FUNAKI v. SPIKE DUDLEY. Spike has a new entrance video, with all kinds of black and white pencil sketches of himself in it. Match had a lot of restholds, which I wouldn't have expected from these guys. Spike wins it with the Dudley Dog.

More Fink at this point. It's funny watching him try to talk up the merits of a HHH Bobblehead, or the "Alcohol-Fueled Whoop-Ass Machine" shirt. Ah, Howard. When he's done shilling the merch, Fink welcomes out THE COACH and TAZZ. So does that mean that Spike v. Funaki WASN'T for HeAT?

Lance Storm took on RVD next, in an entertaining match. It was a HeAT match, sure, but I liked it. RVD won with the five-star.

Once again, the Fink is back, and this time he tells us "the cameras are looking for YOU!" Maybe they're continuing to tie SmackDown! in with "America's Most Wanted."

Our next match pits EDGE against MR PERFECT. Nick Patrick is your referee. The match itself was all right, and the markout value of seeing Mr. Perfect up close was huge. Let me tell you, fans, I wore out the ole vocal cords on that one. In any event, they were having your standard match when Perfect pulled Patrick into the path of an Edge spear. The ref bumped, Perfect went out to get a chair. However, Patrick came to and disqualified him before he could even use it. Huh? Kind of a flat ending, but I'm just glad I got to see 4 solid minutes of Perfection.

Howard has even more great items for us, and this time I think he's talking to the ladies. A Stone Cold plush bear and a Hardyz T Shirt. They're 3-Extreme now, you should know. I hear when Brian Christopher comes back, they're gonna team him with Albert and Hotty and form "Three Cool." It just doesn't make sense that way, guys...

Stand Back! The Hurricane graced us with his presence at this point, to engage in a spirited athletic contest with none other than Test. Test's music had the old intro in it (Test, test, this is a test), but it was still the new music. Kinda like when WCW re-did DDP's theme. Not that bad, though. After kicking out of the Eye of the Hurricane, Test finished Hurricane with his as-yet unnamed new finisher, which you and I might know better as the Roll of the Dice. Alas, poor Reno, we hardly knew ye.

We had a dead spot here, for the live audience, but I mention it because it was then that I found out that Tough Enough also-ran HARVARD CHRIS was in the front row. This would provide endless moments of amusement throughout the evening, including "Harvard Chris, you Harvard suck" from my friend Steve.

The Fink joined us yet again at this point, with some interesting news. Fink dropped the knowledge on us, letting us know that the WWF was taping a new opening segment for HeAT tonight. Fink asked us to "make some noise" and prepare for a "spectacular fireworks display." Essentially, it was a combination of Kane's pyro and Booker T's pyro, and it all took place in the ring. The damn things are so bright I can't really tell you if it looked good. Anyway, you'll see it Sunday... on MTV!

Weirdly, the spectacular display of fireworks segued immediately into Jackie's entrance video. Maybe that's the new opening. Jackie was out to ref our next bout, RIKISHI v hometown boy PERRY SATURN. Hot damn, it's been a while. Perry's looking wild with all his tats filled in, and that one on his back looks like it's been expanded. They haven't affected his jobbing powers, though, because he does the J-O-B for Rikishi in short order. He looked damn good, though, throwing Rikishi around on a couple suplexes. Perry should wrestle more, and mop less.

That wraps it up for HeAT, as the refs come out to change the ropes. While they're doing that, we heckle the refs, which I found immensely entertaining. Jim Korderas sure is bald. Anyway, we were treated to the SCORPION KING preview as well. All I have to say for that is HAKU.... MACENTAY!

Lillian kicks it off right with the Nat'l Anthem, Michael Cole comes out to "Click, Click Boom!" (and looking like absolute hell), you got your Jerry Lawler, and boom, it's Smackdown time.

Mike Chioda takes to the ring as the audience is momentarily blinded by the pyro, and The Graphic Don't Lie: Our main event tonight is HHH/Kane v Angle/Jericho.

SmackDown! brings us some steamy, interracial intergender action to kick off the wrestling portion of the show. The DUDLEY BOYZ (with an injured Stacey) and JAZZ take on the HARDY BOYZ AND LITA. Bubba was absolutely cursing out someone at this point because his mic didn't work. Your typical match ensues, highlights of which were Lita giving the Wazzup to Bubba, and a lot of fighting between Lita and Jazz. Probably trying to set up a feud there. Jazz takes the duke when she pins Lita with the Fishermanbuster.

Backstage, Flair finds Taker watching a videotape of Monday's Arn-beating. Flair flips out. "That's my best friend Arn Anderson!" Breaks Taker's video tape. Taker chuckles. No match is signed.

Video Package of Maven, your Tough Enough Champion. Tough Enough II casting special - tonight! (I think they mean Thursday). And here's a spectacular view of the exterior of the FleetCenter. But, no! They pan just to the right to scope out the SWANK new bridge. I haven't been into "tha city" in a while, so I haven't seen it, but damn, that is one fine bridge. For those that don't know, Boston is in the midst of the "Big Dig," touted as the largest construction proect ever undertaken by human hands. They plan on putting like our entire highway system underground and replacing it with a giant park. Or something like that. Anyway, taxpayers get soaked and we get this sweet bridge.

SCSA (w/ leg cast and STEEL chair) is out next, hobbling to the ring. Before he says anything, the nWo make their entrance. Words are exchanged. Hogan says he's going to film an "Epic Saga." If this is anything like "The Epic Battle," I can't wait. Those who have witnessed the "Best of Backyard Wrestling" will know what I'm talking about. Hogan then leaves Austin to his "brothers." Hall takes the stick and calls Austin white trash. Hall's beating of Austin's knee is recapped. Lookit that cinder fly! More trash is talked, Austin climbs the ramp to take them both on. Two thirds of the way up he stops, turns around, and pulls out a mysterious black cylinder. This cylinder makes a loud popping sound, and for a minute, I'm dreading an upcoming "BY GAWD! AUSTIN SHOT AND KILLED SCOTT HALL!" but it turns out the damn thing just misfired, as Austin fires *a net* onto Hall. He's like some kind of Batman villain. Austin lays in some punches, and the heels retreat for some reason. They apparently didn't fell confident about beating a crippled man 2-on-1.

Lorillard Tobacco brings us the Tobacco is Whacko If You're a Teen Whack of the Night, which is RVD pinning the Show to win a shot at the IC title at the Grandaddy of 'em All, Wrestlemania X8.

This nicely sets up our next match, WILLIAM REGAL v THE BIG SHOW. This one was, as they say, "deliberate." But very short. Regal unloads the power of the punch on Show, but the unconcious show flops off the ropes and lands on Regal, pinning him for the 1-2-3. Silly, maybe, but I liked it. At least it was a change from the usual brass knuckles formula.

Backstage, T has shampoo. Highlights include: "Yo! Japanese people! What is up with your nasty hair? You might know kung-fu, but you don't know shampoo!" Tajiri, ever the critic, describes the Book's hair as "Buckwheat on crack." I'll leave CRZ to insert a RACISM! comment here.

Backstage, Stephanie yammers. There's (already) trouble in paradise for her and Jericho.

Also backstage, Maven - is - striding purposefully. More heckling of Harvard Chris ensues. At one point, about 15 people just start pointing at him.

We get an unexplained shot of the new Drowing Pool CD, and MAVEN (w/ face-consuming eyebrows) is out to face GOLDUST (w/ pyro). I couldn't see half this match because everyone in front of me was scrambling for some of the glitter falling from the ceiling. Maven won, but the UT came out to cut the celebration short and laid the beat down. Then, in what I thought was an awesome segment, Flair came RUNNING down and just LAID INTO him with the lead pipe. Whack - whack - whack. He then grabbed the stick and absolutely exploded on the Taker, promising that if UT ever messed with his friends again, Flair would show UT why he is the Diritest Player in the Game.

HOMOPHOBIC VIOLENCE~! follows, as the APA take on BILLY AND CHUCKY in a spirited round of fisticuffs. Champs retain as Billy gives Faarooq the Fameasser.

Earlier tonight, Flair brings the pipe.

Backstage, Goldust appears to be concerned about young Maven, but instead pops him one right in the skull. Jimmy Korderas counts the three, and Goldust is your NEW hardcore champion. It should be noted that Harvard Chris stood up and applauded the loss.

Back to more hijinx with Booker T and Tajiri, as Booker snatches Tajiri's phone from him and proceeds to talk to whoever is on the other line. Booker calls Torrie a YAK (yes!), but fails to call Tajiri a Fruit Booty. Tajiri tells whoever it is that Booker T is (again in English) "just a jackass."

BOOKER then makes his way to the ring to fight SCOTTY 2 HOTTY. Booker dodges the W-O-R-M and wins it with the Harlem Sidekick. The Spinaroonie was fantastic. On the TitanTron, we see that EDGE has taken Booker's job, and has been named shampoo spokesman. Booker, heartbroken, lays in the boots to a prone Scotty. Albert makes the save, and Booker ain't drinkin' tequila, but he still EATS THE WORM.

Your WrestleMania moment is TLC 2000.

Last Monday: Subtlety takes a holiday. Penis! Vagina!

Backstage we go, as Stephanie McMahon - is - walking... right into HHH's dressing room. Kane is there, but he leaves in a hurry. I bet they were talking about VAGINA! Aye... More discussion of "private parts" ensues, and Stephanie says she wants 50% of everything Hunter owns... 4 life. As opposed to being 2 sweet, I think that's 2 gay. Weird divorce laws in CT, apparently. In any event, we're glad to be rid of Stephanie as The Graphic reminds us that our main event is coming up! But first...

Lugz. Shoes. Attitude. Boot of the week. Kane. Angle. Military press. Second rope. Lugz - learn about 'em!

And now, our main event. Faces enter first; specifically, Kane enters first. Jericho enters last. Your typical match ensues. Stephanie gets involved just like you think she would. pedigrees and chokeslams are teased, and never happen. HHH wins by giving Angle the pedigree.

We never do see Hogan's "Epic Saga." I bet it went straight to video! *rimshot*

And we're out!

Brian J. Heavey